Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Sex? Smoking? Soda? Meat? Laundry? Camera? Cable? Gym? Give it Up!

"Give it Up" by Lee Dorsey and the Meters, 1969
Written, arranged and produced by Allen Toussaint.

How to De-clutter Your Life

  • Throw your camera into the ocean.
  • Donate half of your laundry to the laundromat.

To Do:

  • Cancel HBO (make sure you watch it tonight as you investigate cancellation)
  • Cancel your gym membership (this involves a certified letter)

Ever Try to Make a Bed with Two Fitted Sheets?

Here's my conversation with the laundromat earlier:

Hi, it's Anne calling. Remember, I called you yesterday about my missing laundry?

Yea, uh, we no have it.

Hmm. Yes, do you know who does? You said you were going to call the factory?

Yes, I call and they no have it. We give to you.

No, I don't have it. Half is missing. I sent you two bathmats and received no bathmats. I got out of the shower today to no bathmat. My fitted sheets are missing. How much did you charge me?

22 pounds....$22 dollars. You give us 22 pounds, we give you 22 pounds back.

Look, I don't care what the scale says--my bathmats and my flat sheets are missing. And probably half a dozen towels, I really don't know...You can't find them? How do I get my money back?

We no have we give you.

*sigh* Ok. Can you call the factory again and ask them? Because I can assure you that a few days ago I had two dirty bathmats and two fitted sheets and now I have neither. So, I gave you $22 and now I'm out $200? See?


Do you want to call me or should I call you?

You call.

*sigh* Ok.

Bye Bye.

*sigh* Bye.

Directions on How to Make a Bed with Two Fitted Sheets:
You put one fitted sheet on the mattress. Lie the second sheet on top and snuggle up as the elastic bands curl and chafe around your face and bunch up around your legs and arms. Mmmm. Sleepy tighty! Nighty nitey!

...to be continued...

Since When is it Illegal to Wear a Cow Suit, Chase Some Kids, and Piss on Your Neighbor's Front Porch on a Monday Night?

photo and article from www.wlwt.com

Yellow Bellied Crackers

In New York, you don't know when a crazy person's diatribe is directed at you until you do. I took the subway home from work with Greenberg last week, and all was fine on the 5. But when we transferred to the 6, a little bit o' hell broke loose. There was a casually dressed black guy shouting about crackers and pistols and pussies at someone, and I assumed it wasn't us. You tune things out as part of your survival kit here. But he got closer. And finally he was in Greenberg's face shouting more about those things:

"Crackers. Crackers got it made! Crackers all over the internet, and I still get the pussy. My pistols loaded, yo. Crackers. CRACKERS!"

I thought to myself, "Wish this cracker had it made."

Greenberg stared straight ahead, motionless like a beetle or a turtle or one of those animals that plays dead to avoid being stabbed with a shank on the subway. I muttered at Greenberg's and my reflection in the window across aisle, "I think he's talking to you."

Greenberg did look especially crackery that day with his stupid briefcase and terrible canary yellow short sleeved golf shirt, but other than looking like an asshole, he didn't do anything to my knowledge to deserve such a tirade. So there we sat, Greenberg still as stone--and I wondering how the hell I'd defend myself, as Greenberg clearly wasn't going to be helping me out any--while Mr. Angry went ballistic, walking and talking, occasionally accentuating his prose with in-your-face gestures.

"WHY DON'T YOU SUCK MY DICK?" he asked Greenberg.

More babbling about crackers, the internet, pussy, and pistols. Suddenly we arrived at 23rd Street, which was one stop from where we got on, and Greenberg's stop. Mr. Angry made his way to the doors. Greenberg definitely wasn't going to get off here, I thought to myself.

The doors opened, and Mr. Angry shouted, "HAVE A NICE DAY!" at Greenberg. And right before the doors closed behind him, got in another, "SUCK MY DICK!"

The doors closed. Everyone on the train breathed an inaudible but palpable sigh of relief.

"That was my stop!" Greenberg exclaimed.

"I know," I reassured him.

"What was that guy's problem?"

"I think he wanted you to suck his dick."

The train laughed. Greenberg added, "Nothing to worry about, everyone--just an old roommate of mine."

More laughter. A woman sitting across from us chimed in, "Did you stick him with the rent?"

I got off with Greenberg at the next stop (a stop earlier than my own) and walked with him a few avenues to settle him down. He was a big target with that stupid yellow golf shirt on, afterall. Crackers.

The Buffalo Bills are 4-0. Are You?

Labor Day Weekend, 2008
Somewhere in Astoria, NY
I went to a Labor Day Garden party a few weeks ago and 1/2 of the delightful hosts hails from Niagara Falls. Just look at this beautiful mobile they hang in their front hall! You just can't get one of these, folks. You simply just can't get one. My friends were lucky enough to snap this canvas mesh number up at a yard sale. Feeling sad you can't have one? How about your own Buffalo Bills canvas mesh tissue dispenser? Bid soon (auction ends Oct 2) or buy it now for $27.95. Worth it? Obvs!

The Stuff That Happens to You When You are Alive

  • You dump your camera into the sea. Brava, Anne!
  • A bottle of water stashed in your purse isn't fully closed, so now you have a purse full of water! Hilarious!
  • You have your laundry picked up by the wash and fold laundry place, saving you precious time. But only half is returned to you, and they can't locate the rest. So, you say all my flat sheets and pillow cases, and both of my bath mats are missing? Cute!
  • At least nobody's wiped a booger on my sleeve today. That was yesterday.

Tonight: WIG OUT!

Vineyard Theatre
By Tarell Alvin McCraney
Directed by Tina Landau

with Daniel T. Booth, Joshua Cruz, Glenn Davis, Sean Patrick Doyle,
McKenzie Frye, Nathan Lee Graham, Angela Grovey, Andre Holland,
Rebecca Naomi Jones, Erik King, Clifton Oliver

Scenic Design: James Schuette Costume Design: Toni-Leslie James
Lighting Design: Peter Kaczorowski Sound Design: Robert Kaplowitz
Hair, Wig, and Make-up Design: Wendy Parson Production Stage Manager: Barbara Reo
Associate Director: Kim Weild Production Manager: Ben Morris
General Manager: Reed Ridgley Press Representative: Sam Rudy
Media Casting: Henry Russell Bergstein Associate Artistic Director: Sarah Stern

WIG OUT! explosively brings to life the fierce, competitive world of the drag ball. Intoxicate yourself with this rare glimpse into an unforgettable struggle for power, sexual conquest and glory by acclaimed playwright Tarell Alvin McCraney (THE BROTHERS SIZE). The New York Times raves that McCraney delivers "that thrilling sound that is one of the main reasons we go to the theatre, that beautiful music of a new voice!" Directed by Tina Landau, with a brilliant cast led by Erik King (“Dexter”), Nathan Lee Graham (THE WILD PARTY, “The Comeback”), Rebecca Naomi Jones (PASSING STRANGE), and Daniel T. Booth (a.k.a. downtown drag star Sweetie, “Project Runway”), WIG OUT! is a play you do not want to miss!

Hair, Wig and Make-up design? I'm in! Can't wait.

Monday, September 29, 2008

Interested in Seeing the 300 Phenomenal Photographs from My Weekend in Rhode Island?

You'd better ask Poseidon if he'll let you borrow it. Or, better yet, go back in time and grab the camera out of my hand before I dropped it into the roaring surf at Matunuk. Just like your 401k, the camera is totally gone. Basta. Easy come. Easy go. Wave buh-buh-buh-bye.

Farewell, Paul Newman

Read the People Magazine October 7, 1974 article here.

Friday, September 26, 2008

Rhode Island Weekend Commences Today

Matunuck, RI

"The fly is as deadly as a bomber!! WPA Poster Beware the fly. This poster for the Philadelphia Department of Health warns of the potential health risks from exposure to flies: 'The fly is as deadly as a bomber!!' The poster was illustrated by Robert Muchley some time between 1941 and 1943 as part of the WPA War Services Project."
fantastic stuff from vintagraph.com

Vegetarian Recipe of the Day: Sweet Potato Burritos

Sweet Potato Burritos


1 tablespoon vegetable oil
1 onion, chopped
4 cloves garlic, minced
6 cups canned kidney beans, drained
2 cups water
3 tablespoons chili powder
2 teaspoons ground cumin
4 teaspoons prepared mustard
1 pinch cayenne pepper, or to taste
3 tablespoons soy sauce
4 cups cooked and mashed sweet potatoes
12 (10 inch) flour tortillas, warmed
8 ounces shredded Cheddar cheese
To make vegan: omit sour cream and cheddar cheese
Other suggestions: substitute black beans for half the mixture, add frozen corn, pre-mash before adding to skillet

Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C).
Heat oil in a medium skillet, and saute onion and garlic until soft. Stir in beans, and mash. Gradually stir in water, and heat until warm. Remove from heat, and stir in the chili powder, cumin, mustard, cayenne pepper and soy sauce.
Divide bean mixture and mashed sweet potatoes evenly between the warm flour tortillas. Top with cheese. Fold up tortillas burrito style, and place on a baking sheet.
Bake for 12 minutes in the preheated oven, and serve.

submitted by karena @ allrecipes.com, photo by allrecipes.com

Desert Island Lollipop Choice

Charms Blow Pop wins with 20 votes (55%) to Tootsie Pop's 16 votes (44%)

Families: Their Values and Their Polyester

My Mom's family was really into St. Patrick's Day, the Pope, and Harvey's Bristol Cream:

Photo Phun Phact: The little old lady second from the right is my great, great grandmother who immigrated from Ireland in the early 1900's via Ellis Island. Ellen O'Leary Finn 1880-1982

Wakefield, MA ~ 1970's

My Dad's family was really into fresh sweet corn on the cob, butter, and salt:

Photo Phun Phact: The little blue pitcher on the corner of the picnic table is how the large Altman family would butter their corn rapidly and thoroughly. Directions: Put a stick of butter in a pitcher. Boil water, pour boiling water into pitcher. Butter will melt and rise to the top. Take bare ear of corn, dip into the water. On its way out it gets coated with butter and is ready for salting. You're welcome.

Olean, New York ~ 1970's

Use All Your Weaponry

Jose Cruz, arrested for DUI in West Virginia, didn't waste a perfectly good gas blast when he had the chance to blow it in the arresting officer's face. More effective than a booger flick.

Thank you, whipcreamy.

Two Can Anne Encourages Reader Submissions

Here's a vid from newbluebaby. Thanks for the submission, newblue. Enjoy, kids!

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Let's Say

Let's say your president, whom you didn't vote for twice has swiftly and expertly ruined your country in 8 years--unfortunately while you're alive to see it all crash down around you--and you're eating powdered soup for lunch and canned soup for dinner. What's a delicious accoutrement that is low in fat, but high in protein, texture, and flavor that you can enjoy while huge hired men toss you and all of your shit out of your house and onto the street?

Glenny's Low Fat Soy Crisps in Salt & Pepper

Clam Recipe of the Day: Artichoke Crab/Clam Dip

Artichoke & Clam Dip

1 medium Leek
1 medium Vidalia or other sweet onion
1/2 cup Canned artichoke hearts; drained
1/2 cup Frozen chopped spinach; thawed
1 pound Brie or cream cheese
2 tablespoons Minced garlic
2 tablespoons Olive oil
1/4 cup Riesling or other medium-dry wine
2/3 cup Heavy cream
3 tablespoons Finely chopped fresh parsley
2 tablespoons Finely chopped fresh dill
1 pound Fresh jumbo lump crab meat or substitute 2 cans canned clams if you're into clams
2 tablespoons Dijon mustard
1 teaspoon / tablespoon hot sauce; or to taste
Toasted thin baguette slices

Preheat oven to 425° F and lightly oil an 11-inch gratin or other shallow baking dish (about 6 cups).

Trim and finely chop leek. In a large bowl of water wash leek well and lift from water into a large sieve to drain. Finely chop onion. Rinse and finely chop artichoke hearts. Squeeze dry and finely chop spinach. Discard rind from Brie and cut into 1/4-inch pieces. Or if using cream cheese, cube.

In a heavy skillet cook leek, onion and garlic in oil over moderate heat, stirring until pale golden; stir in artichoke hearts and spinach. Add wine and cook, stirring, three minutes. Add cream and simmer, stirring, 1 minute. Add cheese, stirring until it just begins to melt. Remove skillet from heat and stir herbs into mixture.

In a large bowl, combine clams, mustard, hot sauce, salt and pepper to taste. Stir in cheese mixture. Spread mixture evenly in baking dish and bake in middle of oven 15 to 20 minutes, or until golden. Serve dip hot with toasts.

from notquitejunecleaver.com

Bing + Bong = ?

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

MORTIFIED on Last Call with Carson Daly: Tonight!

Check out Mortified Creator Dave Nadelberg
Tonight! Following Conan
12:35 am EST
September 23, 2008
Yours in angst,

This is a Place Where I Used to Go Five Days a Week

Middle of Midtown ~ NYC

I had a job in this building years ago. I can't remember how I got this one particular job, but my boss was a dead ringer for a Max Headroom / Cruella De Vil combo. You could smoke in offices back in those days; I don't think I ever saw her eat a single thing other than cigarettes and crappy coffee all day lizzong. Her breath smelled like a big fat cacadoody, as you can imagine.

If You Speak Queens and You Play Video Games

Then you'll know what Staw Whoas the Fawss Unleashed is.

US VP Web Poll, Sarah Palin v Doodle

Do you think Sarah Palin is qualified to be VP?

What about Doodle?

Monday, September 22, 2008

Then What Happened?

Tonight? Well, tonight I spotted an orange gummy bear on the living room carpet, and I ate it.


Don't Worry If You Didn't Get a Shot of This Chick in Front of This Thing

I took a picture of her for you:

Some lady getting her picture taken in the Fashion District, 37th at 7th Ave, NYC
Sunday, September 21, 2008

Farewell Yankee Stadium: Scenes From 2008 Year at Yankee Stadium 2

Yankee Stadium ~ July 18, 2008
Yankees vs Oakland

Farewell Yankee Stadium: Scenes from 2008 at Yankee Stadium 1

Yankee Stadium ~ Friday, July 18, 2008
Yankees vs Oakland

Healthy Choice's Cafe Steamers is Food, Right?

Because Cafe Steamers? Not appetizing. A more appetizing name might be: Poop in a Pie Plate.

Sunday, September 21, 2008

If You Don't Want to Pee Your Pants

Then you're gonna want to close your eyes when my sister does her impression of one of these inflatable air dancer thingers. Otherwise, there will be pee.

'Tis Some Very Joyful Noise Indeed

The Derek Trucks Band with "Joyful Noise," 2007.

Derek Trucks Band is live at the Blender Theater on November 7, 2008. Got tix?

I do! Whoo hoo!

Yankee Stadium's Last Day: Say Goodbye To an $9.50 Coors Light

And hello to a $14.50 Coors Light. Here's to hoping I win the Lotto or score some corporate tickets for access to the New Yankee Stadium during the rest of my NYC days, otherwise, it's the Coney Island Cyclones for me. I snapped some nice pics of Yankee Stadium this year, so check back tomorrow for the official Farewell Yankee Stadium post.

In the meantime, GO BOSOX!

The Buffalo Bills are Undefeated: 3-0!

Let me repeat: The Buffalo Bills are completely, totally, and honestly undefeated, with a 24-23 walk off win vs Oakland this afternoon.

What this means: The Bills have played 3 games and have won the last 3 of their 3 games.

Speechless? Thought so. If you can't dig it, feel free to suck it, kids.

Go, Bills!

Enormous Babies Freak Me Out

I come from a small-to-average sized family, and I was a five pounder at birth. I don't know if these facts make me averse to oversized infants, but I did have a nightmare about one on Friday night, clearly inspired by some baby pictures I saw online of an acquaintance's new bambino.

This baby had a full head of hair in the "baby's first photo" hospital shot. He didn't have that newly born, smushed face, papoose body pipsqueak appearance whatsoever. In fact, he looked so mature that he totally could have figured out how to drive himself home from the hospital, let alone be belted into a car seat. For some reason, in the dream I was there to babysit, even though I don't know these people very well. I watched him in his little recliner bucket thing that babies sit in. All was well, until the open window excited him, so he pointed at it with a "WHAT'S THAT?" and not only got out of his seated position to approach it, but pushed me over to get to the window. It took all my strength to push back with a "Get the fuck out of here!" so he wouldn't fling himself out onto the street. Friggin' huge baby, get back in your chair thing, settle down and act like a goddamn baby for cryin' out loud!

Two days later I still can't shake that nightmare. Good grief. Better not see any big babies today.


Baby, You're Drivin' Me Crazy

The Sonics, "Psycho", 1960somethin'

Friday, September 19, 2008

Doodlie Doodlie Doo

Doodle, NYC

Let's Talk About a Baby Vanilla Cone with Plastic Rainbow Sprinkles, Please

Hardwick, Vermont Pizza Place
August, 2007

Doodle's Vermont Photography Project Presents: Farm Bell

"Farm Bell" ~ Photograph taken by Doodle the Cat
Greensboro, VT ~ August 3, 2008

This farm bell belonged to my grandmother's family and originally lived on a farm somewhere in or near Johnsonburg, Pennsylvania. Elk County's Johnsonburg lies atop a hill, infamous for its paper mills, once a staple of its economy and the reason for the town's peculiar smell and thick black dust which would blanket any laundry hanging out to dry.

Weird Wedding Photos Part MVLLCMVCCM

Goodness, gracious, great balls of borscht!

Thursday, September 18, 2008

I Can Has Cheezburger

I find this website hilarious, and Doodle thinks its condescending.The first thing I said when I woke up this morning was, "I can has cheezburger." And last night, "I can has cookie?" Ridiculous.

I can has cookie?

I can has cookie.

8 Course Meal at the Hotel Roanoke: It's What's for Dinner

Roanoke Hotel, Roanoke, VA
Thursday, February 22, 1900
Doodle, NYC

Lunch: It's What's for Dinner & It's Underwhelming

What I got for lunch:

Spinach salad with avocado, cherry tomatoes, green apple, shredded red cabbage, hearts of palm, cucumber, splash of balsamic vinegar and olive oil, black pepper

What I wanted:

Gummy worms

Snooker Doodle

Maurice Daly, Carom Billiards World Champion. Tobacco Card, 1888

Doodle's Vermont Photography Project Presents: Hammock

"Hammock" by Doodle the Cat~ Greensboro, Vermont
August 3, 2008

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Weird Wedding Photos Part MCLLVVMMVMV

Have I Told You Lately How Much I Love Chelsea Handler?

Chelsea Handler is absolutely hilarious, and gorgeous to boot. Recently, I caught a bunch of back-to-back Chelsea Lately episodes on E! and I was howling, all alone. Per usual, the remote was buried somewhere underneath takeout food containers crawling with rats and I was too fat to find it, but I soon realized that was a blessing in disguise. The worst part of Chelsea Lately is the commercial breaks. Chelsea rocks.

Who Wants to Make Me a Housewife?

I've decided I'd like to be one.

  1. Husband*
  2. House**

*Husband: Handsome, smart, charming, fertile, wealthy, often away on business

**House: Friggin' nice, all hooked up with wicked nice shit including a trampoline

AIG Meltdown USA Hell in Handbasket Up to the Minute Coverage

Two Can Anne on the scene giving you all you need to know about the latest American financial crisis. I took these pics an hour ago near the American International Building on Pine Street where AIG has some of their offices:

En route to Water Street, this cat's got the news on his television. If this guy is devastated enough to jump however, he's going to have to take the elevator to a higher floor:

And finally, AIG's offices on Water Street. The Brinks truck is there obviously to abscond with whatever's left of the dump: the vending machines. Seriously, dude, I know they were crammed with Munchos. I love a vending machine with Munchos:

"I hear your company is insolvent, you're about to lose your job, and you want to kill yourself. Any comments?"

Lower Manhattan, Wednesday, 9/16/08