Friday, October 31, 2008

HAPPY HALLOWEEN


A PUMPKIN HEAD I WOULD LIKE TO BE
IF IN YOUR ARMS YOU WOULD TAKE ME

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Walk Away



Volume weak. Vid sweet.

The James Gang, Walk Away, 1971

Doodle Don't Eat No Peanuts, Yo



Cat opens jar of peanuts! Steals a peanut! Fantastic! 

Thanks be to Margaret Dodge for this little ditty.

And what's this? A cat who loves a full bathtub? Preposterous, I say!

Your Confirmation Number Is

I just got off a "call" with a Verizon wireless recording where I paid my bill by tap-tap-tappity on some buttons of my cellphone and then money (which may or not be in my checking account, depending on the date) gets zap-zap-zappity sent to Verizon, and we're all friends for awhile until the check bounces. 

I rarely bounce checks. I think I can count on two fingers how many I've bounced in my entire life. Instead of actually bouncing them, I worry that they'll bounce. A little game which is fun. It's fun shortening my life span with such a fun game. 

Anyway, I paid my bill in full, but wasn't good at navigating the Verizon recording tree and in addition may have deleted the checking account attached to the phone for E-Z payment. Then I chose to let the recording tell me what my confirmation number was. Got a pencil? I never do. I just listen to it. 

"Your confirmation number is 4. 5. 7. 2. 3. 1. 1. 8. 9. 8. 6. 7. 6. 4. 3. 7. 3. 2. 0. 5. 4. 3. 2. 1. 1. 8.

That's 4. 5. 7. 2. 3. 1. 1. 8. 9. 8. 6. 7. 6. 4. 3. 7. 3. 2. 0. 5. 4. 3. 2. 1. 1. 8."

A confirmation number that long is cruel and unusual punishment and I'm not writing it down. When there's a problem with my account you're just going to have to look it up another darn way, lady.

Word, Oscar, Word.

It is absurd to divide people into good and bad. People are either charming or tedious.

~Oscar Wilde, Lady Windermere's Fan, 1892, Act I

Another Doodle Classic from the Archives

Doodle, NYC
circa 2000

Also worth noting: my classic television set, which at the time a boyfriend found it in the garbage on the street, was still a desirable item. True story. He had a friend repair it free of charge, and then gave it me for my birthday. Not because I wanted a TV, of course, but because he hated my TV. But I'm all for recycling. 

The predictable part of the story is the TV is still here (thank goodness, what a piece of shit the tiny one was) the boyfriend is long gone (thank goodness, what a piece of shit the tiny one was---kidding). And word has it that he's got like a wife, a kid, 55 flat screen plasmas and two houses and a yacht and stuff. 

Boo! I want stuff!

Whatevs. I still got this free TV, yo. Plus, the ex might have a lot of sweet toys now, but I bet he still occasionally doesn't wash his hands after he takes a poop. Seriously. Seriously? Seriously! He did that once. And he wasn't camping. File that under: Somebody Else's Problem Now, please. 

51% of You Sleep in the Nude

48% of you are weird.

Just a New Thing I'm Doing: Spreading Love and Confusion

I've decided to draw little hearts in the memo section of my rent check and on the outside of the envelope for maximum confusion.

Ruff Hour

Greensboro, Vermont
Christmastime, 2004

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Phillies Win the 2008 World Series

Congratulations, Philadelphians!

Two Can Anne Study Reveals That China is Officially Revolting

Gag. Blick. Gross. Horrible. 

According to Tuna, no matter who wins the 2008 Presidential Election, the USA is doomed:

"We'll be speaking Chinese and eating food with sticks by the end of the decade."

You read it here first. 

You're welcome. 

*Coincidentally, Married to the Sea's comic today:


How the Other Half Lives in the New Economy: Just Fine

Enjoy "Rich People's Rooftops NYC" shared by jwilly on flickr.

I'm SO Making This Lemon Yogurt Cake

Lemon Yogurt Cake
Copyright 2006, Barefoot Contessa at Home, All Rights Reserved

Cook Time 50 min
Level Easy
Yield 1 loaf
Total: 1 hr 20 min

Ingredients
1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
2 teaspoons baking powder
1/2 teaspoon kosher salt
1 cup plain whole-milk yogurt
1 1/3 cups sugar, divided
3 extra-large eggs
2 teaspoons grated lemon zest (2 lemons)
1/2 teaspoon pure vanilla extract
1/2 cup vegetable oil
1/3 cup freshly squeezed lemon juice
For the glaze:
1 cup confectioners' sugar
2 tablespoons freshly squeezed lemon juice

Directions
Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F. Grease an 8 1/2 by 4 1/4 by 2 1/2-inch loaf pan. Line the bottom with parchment paper. Grease and flour the pan.

Sift together the flour, baking powder, and salt into 1 bowl. In another bowl, whisk together the yogurt, 1 cup sugar, the eggs, lemon zest, and vanilla. Slowly whisk the dry ingredients into the wet ingredients. With a rubber spatula, fold the vegetable oil into the batter, making sure it's all incorporated. Pour the batter into the prepared pan and bake for about 50 minutes, or until a cake tester placed in the center of the loaf comes out clean.

Meanwhile, cook the 1/3 cup lemon juice and remaining 1/3 cup sugar in a small pan until the sugar dissolves and the mixture is clear. Set aside.

When the cake is done, allow it to cool in the pan for 10 minutes. Carefully place on a baking rack over a sheet pan. While the cake is still warm, perforate with stick of spaghetti to make small holes. Pour the lemon-sugar mixture over the cake and allow it to soak in. Cool.

For the glaze, combine the confectioners' sugar and lemon juice and pour over the cake.

The Years of the Doodle: Interesting to Say the Least

Because I threw my camera into the ocean a few months ago and can't rely on new photography with which to entertain you, I'm spending some time going through my picture archives, and I found this gem taken in 2001 which reveals:
  1. My old drapes
  2. My old air conditioner (never replaced)
  3. My old chair upholstery
  4. The fact Doodle is nothing if not a piece of work. Always has been, always will be.



Doodle~ NYC~ 2001



Year of the Cat
By Al Stewart & Peter Wood

On a morning from a Bogart movie
In a country where they turn back time
You go strolling through the crowd like Peter Lorre
Contemplating a crime

She comes out of the sun in a silk dress running
Like a watercolour in the rain
Don't bother asking for explanations
She'll just tell you that she came
In the year of the cat

She doesn't give you time for questions
As she locks up your arm in hers
And you follow 'till your sense of which direction
Completely disappears

By the blue tiled walls near the market stalls
There's a hidden door she leads you to
These days, she says, I feel my life
Just like a river running through
The year of the cat

Well, she looks at you so cooly
And her eyes shine like the moon in the sea
She comes in incense and patchouli
So you take her, to find what's waiting inside
The year of the cat

Well, morning comes and you're still with her
And the bus and the tourists are gone
And you've thrown away the choice and lost your ticket
So you have to stay on

But the drum-beat strains of the night remain
In the rhythm of the new-born day
You know sometime you're bound to leave her
But for now you're going to stay
In the year of the cat

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

So What if the World Series Ain't On Tonite? It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown!



I'm in love with this special because it's basically all Snoopy. My favorite parts (which I might not be included in this 8 minute clip because its the beginning half) are when Snoopy does his Red Baron routine in "France" and then he climbs into a lone lit window in a dilapidated farm house --which reveals itself to be the kids' Halloween party-- and he bobs for apples and cries at the sad song Schroeder plays on the piano. Oh, and of course when Lucy brings her chilly, sleeping brother Linus in from the pumpkin patch at 4 am. She thinks he's a blockhead, but she loves him. And where are the parents? Exactly. It's awesome. Charles M. Schulz omitting them from everything save for some "Mwah mwahh mwahh waaaahh" here and there is brilliant. And still exhilarating to me.


www.marriedtothesea.com

If I Had the Dough

I'd totally buy this for someone I know and she'd totally love it because she's got a garden with gnomes in it:

Kevin the Garden Gnome! With lantern! And book! Crafted out of bonded marble resin!

Click here to order Kevin the Garden Gnome from www.uniquegardensandgifts.com for the gnome-loving garden owning peep in your life. Would you believe I spied this little fella on one of my very own sidebar ads? Who knew? (Generally, my advertisements cater to fellas looking for Filpino brides...)

Jar Full of Roaches: Tonight at the PIT


Directed by Oren Brimer

Tonight @ 9:30 pm

The P.I.T. 154 W. 29th Street

$5 Tix:
www.thepit-nyc.com

Comedy duo Brandy Barber and Sara Jo Allocco present an all new sketch show, directed by Oren Brimer. Some simp may have said that life is just a bowl full of cherries, but Brandy & Sara think it's more like a jar full of roaches. Will there be demented work out videos? Seething hostility expressed thru offers of kindness? Screeching? You betcha. And one lucky guest will win his or her very own Jar Full Of Roaches at each and every show.
See you there, kids!

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Philadelphia's Own Patti LaBelle Sings National Anthem in Game 4 of the World Series

And she sucked. No offense, Patti, I mean, you look amazing and cute in your Phillies warm up suit thingie, but your rendition was wayyyy too long and drawn out and complicated with ayeayeayeaye ahhhhhhhhhhhYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! Come on, Patti. People want to see baseball, ok?

So let us forget that performance and enjoy some awesome Patti Labelle, shall we? I think I saw Patti onetime on Oprah or Martha Stewart sharing her amazing recipe for amazing baked ham which involves liters of Coke and brown sugar. Awesome. Even if you're a vegetarian you KNOW that's gotta be good. Click here for her amazing macaroni and cheese recipe. Apparently it's to die for. In the meantime, stir it up with Patti!




/div>

Patti LaBelle, Stir It Up, Beverly Hills Cop ~ 1985

Lordy, Lordy, Look Who's Stealin' Gourd-y

I didn't have time to buy a geranium today. But I did pluck a small, pumpkin-shaped yellow gourd from the fake fall leaf garland in the Autumnal display nook at the back of an Irish pub (where I was watching the Bills lose) and toss it in my purse. 

And I may have also snuck a small gourdy-lookin' regular type half green / half orange warty gourd nestled next to a super-huge real pumpkin from the Autumnal display in the front of a Wall Street bar last night. 

So?

Doodle's not so sure what to make of our new Autumnal display, which consists of one gourd on her chair (which is where it landed when I threw it), and one on the floor. I'm not so sure what to think of it either. 

I can't wait until I get my new geranium. It'll look good with the gourds. 


The Paul Lynde Halloween Special, October 29, 1976

with special musical guest KISS, King of the Night TIme World:




and the show's finale:

Paul Lynde's Halloween Special, Disco Baby, featuring Florence Henderson, Tim Conway, Pinky Tuscadero, Margaret Hamilton, and KISS.

The Bills Didn't Squish the Fish Today.

Boo. Boo on you, Buffalo Bills! Boo!

:(

Strait Jacket, 1964: Joan Crawford's Screen Test



Happy Early Halloween, suckers.

Strait Jacket, 1964.

Saturday, October 25, 2008

Heart of Glass: I Don't Want to Clean It, Don't Do Windows



Blondie, Heart of Glass, 1982

Can a Lady Forced to Do Her Own Housework Find a Pair of Gloves Small Enough for Her Delicate Hands?

Goddamn it! These gloves are so big I've got dishpan friggin' tits already. 

Carve Yourself an e-Jack-o-Lantern

Here. 




Texting with Tuna the Fish

The October 7 Presidential Debate, McCain v Obama, Oxford, Mississippi

As McCain confused me--


[WHAT?]

--I texted Tuna for clarification:



Me: Remind me why Americans are the best in the world?  
Tuna: Because we eat fried food out of plastic bags.

Texting with Tuna the Fish

Oct 3, 8:37 am: I'm thinking of letting my skin go it's natural color.

Game 3 World Series Rain Delay Game Finally About to Start and Anne in Dish Washing Position

I'm thinking by the second inning I'll be in dish drying position.

Kill me.

Prince Charming: Where's Mine, Yo? For Serious.

Adam and the Ants: My first concert. 1983. Was I too young to see an androgynous hottie man boy parading around as a revolutionary era pirate dandy person seducing hot broads as he goes? Probably. Still have the t-shirt. Hoo!!!!!!!! It's absolutely priceless.




Adam and the Ants, Prince Charming, 1981

Cleaning My Own House on a Saturday Night: An Update Update

Finished all the utensils, starting the glassware. Filled the stupid sink with bubbly water to let some soaking action happen for them. Moved to the sparkling bathroom sink (cleaned the bathroom this afternoon, it sucked) to exfoliate my face with an apricot scrub and apply a hydrating and toning clay mask. Will return to the dishes thing at 9:30. Not happy about it as that is in five minutes, and there is still no small plasma t.v. and small dishwasher in the kitchen. Thanks a lot, Jesus. You will NOT get my vote.  Jesus saves--my ass. 

Cleaning My Own House on a Saturday Night: An Update

I made myself stay at the dreary kitchen sink until I washed 6 items. I washed ten. It was boring and annoying, and I hated it the whole time. If I had a small plasma t.v. to look at while I was on dish duty as my own maid, I think it would be less terrible.  That and a small dishwasher. A small plasma t.v. and a small dishwasher would bring me closer to personal success. Somebody cause this to occur, please. 

And if anyone can you make this happen before I have to go back into the dreary kitchen place--which is in five minutes--then I swear I'll totally believe in your Jesus stuff.  Jesus forevs! Totes! Jesus saves indeed. 

Success Is:

Being able to afford to pay someone else to clean my house. What must that be like? To be that successful? I can only imagine:

DREAM SEQUENCE (cue that dream sequence music, please)

The public: I hear you're really successful, Anne. What are you doing with your success?

Anne: Not cleaning my own house, bitches!

What's your idea of success?

Lookin' For Terrible Furniture? Sammy Stephens Mini Mall Rap

I missed this on Ellen Degeneres (because I have to work for a living --gross--) but thanks to blueberry's submission I'm able to share it with all of you! 


I Most Certainly Might Buy a Geranium Today

Friday, October 24, 2008

Some Guy's Advice For This Economic Downturn: Don't Think of It as Cat Food

"Think of it as meat cereal."

Some excellent advice, Some Guy!

Morbid Anatomy: Anne's New Favorite Blog


Fascinating stuff! Who isn't interested in morbid anatomy? Only a jerk isn't.


Now, Lenin died in 1924 and his body is still on display.

Would a jerk be interested in seeing Lenin's yearly formaldehyde bath?

No, no he wouldn't.

Check it! (make sure you've had your breakfast)

Only a Brilliant Guy Cuts His Own Ear Off, Yo

One may have a blazing hearth in one's soul and yet no one ever came to sit by it. Passers-by see only a wisp of smoke from the chimney and continue on their way.

-Vincent Van Gogh

Blame it on the Tempo, Blame it on the 80's, Blame it on the Rain: I Hate it When These Songs Are Played Because I Very Much Dislike These Songs


The Georgie Satellites, Keep Your Hands to Yourself


George Thoroughgood, One Bourbon, One Scotch, and One Beer by John Lee Hooker

So?

So what if I thought twice about making small talk with the new chick in the office whom I had no interest in other than the tub of gummi worms on her desk? 

SO?

I didn't, ok? And that's what counts. 

Bought my own damn gummi worms. 
And a six pack of Miller Light. So you and your tub of gummi worms can suck it, new chick.

Phabulous Photo Phor Phriday

Guess the first names of these two lovely broads on this happy occasion?

The Rachel Zoe Project



If you haven't yet seen The Rachel Zoe Project on Bravo, here's a synopsis:


Gross.

Unless you find the following tantalizing:

Rachel wakes up, is in a rush, her assistants are in a rush, her makeup artist tries to work with her face, Rachel runs around in a towel checking her Blackberry, nobody brushes her hair, and someone helps her Size 0 self into something "amazing" to go see some other Size 0 clothes at some "amazing" designer's studio, OMG, limo ride, Blackberry, Starbucks, limo ride to another "amazing" designer, OMG, some celebrity swings by for something "amazing" to wear to a red carpet awards show in LA, OMG Starbucks, Rachel rushes around to find something "amazing" to wear to Fashion Week tent show in NYC, OMG which, OMG, she's late for and is "amazing" by the way, OMG she reads stuff about herself on the internet and OMG cries to her husband (Husband? Thought he was the gay assistant) whom she never has time for but is OMG "amazing" something to the effect of "I'M SO AMAZINGLY BUSY AND EVERYONE HATES ME OMG." The End.

I've scanned a page from my notebook below to show you my Rachel Zoe sketch, doing what she does in every episode: Cry about her life "WHY DOES EVERYBODY HATE ME!?!" while her makeup artist tries to erase the grimace-inspired lines from Botox free part of her face. The top part's been Botoxed. Two questions: Did you know that Botoxed folks can cry real tears? Why prevents her from Botoxing the rest of her dome piece so it matches the forehead? You'd expect nothing less from an expert at accessorizing, no?,

A Material World dives in deeper with her great review of The Rachel Zoe Project here.


Thursday, October 23, 2008

She's Pressin' Charges: WWGD?

You may remember my post, Yellow Bellied Crackers, about a memorable trip on the subway recently with Greenberg.

The next video begs the obvious question:

What would Greenberg do?

Other than immediately decompose into liquid stool?


My dear friend Antoinette, who describes herself as "chocolate," and me as "vanilla," always says, "A chocolate fight isn't over until somebody grabs somebody else's weave. "

Would Greenberg know to grab her weave?

What she grabbed Greenberg's weave???

A few SUCKMYDICKs seem like a walk in the park by comparison, don't they? Of course.



Ever Ever? Of Course You Have, You Jerk



The Buzzcocks, Ever Fallen in Love, 1977



You spurn my natural emotions
You make me feel like dirt
And I'm hurt
And if I start a commotion
I run the risk of losing you
And that's worse

Ever fallen in love with someone
Ever fallen in love
In love with someone
Ever fallen in love
In love with someone
You shouldn't've fallen in love with

I can't see much of a future
Unless we find out what's to blame
What a shame
And we won't be together much longer
Unless we realize that we are the same

Ever fallen in love with someone
Ever fallen in love
In love with someone
Ever fallen in love
In love with someone
You shouldn't've fallen in love with

You disturb my natural emotions
You make me feel like dirt
And I'm hurt
And if I start a commotion
I'll only end up losing you
And that's worse

Ever fallen in love with someone
Ever fallen in love
In love with someone
Ever fallen in love
In love with someone
You shouldn't've fallen in love with

Ever fallen in love with someone
Ever fallen in love
In love with someone
Ever fallen in love
In love with someone
You shouldn't've fallen in love with
Fallen in love with
Ever fallen in love with someone
You shouldn't've fallen in love with

Doodle: Toilet Training Days

Doodle ~ Age 1 ~ NYC ~ circa 2000



Most of you are aware that Doodle the Cat is toilet trained (click here!) but you probably don't know or want to know the details of the training itself which is essentially potty training a furry toddler who doesn't speak English. I'm not gonna lie, it was challenging. For both of us. Half of it was me guessing when she had to go, and encouraging her when she was on the fence so she didn't crap behind the drapes. Here's a picture of Doodle in the beginning to middle stages back in the day--sitting in a stainless steel mixing bowl filled with fresh litter--apparently not on the fence, just resigned and frustrated with me.

1912 World Series, Boston Red Sox v New York Giants

October, 1912. Washington, D.C.
"Baseball, Professional. Electric scoreboard."
A close-up of the scoreboard from the previous post showing results of the 1912 World Series between New York and Boston to crowds on a Washington street. Harris & Ewing Collection glass negative.
The first game of the 2008 World Series was on last night between the Phillies and the Devil Rays (that's right, I said Devil, I ain't scared), and I assumed my love of baseball would override the fact that my team wasn't playing and that I'd be interested in the matchup.

I was wrong.

And totally psyched and relieved that I could go to sleep at a decent hour for the first time in weeks.

Go, me!

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

You Irritate Me My Friend

One of the trickiest days I can recall. VOLUME UP!

div>


The Who, Just Another Tricky Day. Face Dances. 1981. 



Two Can Anne Advice

If you don't want to feel like your ex-boyfriend (with whom you split amicably) is following you at less than 3 paces every second of your 10 hour day, so close behind that with just one misstep, you'd feel his breath on the back of your neck, then I do not, I repeat, NOT recommend that you use the shaving cream he left behind in the linen closet to shave your pits tomorrow morning.

Very unsettling. Double that advice if your ex-boyfriend is under house arrest. 

Monday, October 20, 2008

Rock of Ages the Musical: A Rockin' Good Time!

Hey! Did you ever wear your sunglasses at night?

Did you ever own a denim jacket? Acid wash and/or shoulder pads/and/or fringe and/or/other?

Did you ever enjoy a wine cooler?

Did you ever rock?

Do you wanna rock now?

Of course you do!

Get thyself--and a friend--(preferably someone who also suffered through the 80's with you) to the delightful off-Broadway musical Rock of Ages at New World Stages. I didn't know what to expect beforehand other than that it starred Constantine Maroulis (of American Idol "fame") and that my favorite rock ballads n' hair bands would be featured:

Featuring the Classic hits of REO Speedwagon, STYX, Journey, Bon Jovi, Pat Benatar, Twisted Sister, Steve Perry, Whitesnake, Night Ranger, Quarterflash, Poison, Asia, Damn Yankees and MANY MORE!

Who needs a plot when you've got "I Wanna Know What Love Is" or "I Hate Myself For Lovin' You" to stir up those funtime memories of crunchy bangs and unrequited teenage crush on an unworthy teenage turd?

But there is a plot, set in LA's Sunset Strip in the 1980's, where the bad guys (German developers) threaten to tear down the music club where Drew (played by Constantine Maroulis) and his girlfriend Sherrie (Kelli Barrett) work. Drew is an aspiring musician cleaning toilets in the joint to pay the bills, and Sherri is an aspiring actress new in town, just havin' blown in from Kansas, so of course there's a love story there, complicated hilariously by the Bret Michaels-esque lothario Stacee Jaxx (Will Swenson). I really was quite impressed with Mr. Maroulis's Drew--his personality genuine and his voice strong--and if I were in high school, and it was the 1980's, I totally would have possibly slow danced with him to Here I Go Again after a few wine coolers in the parking lot.

The show's high-energy narrator, Lonny (played by Mitchell Jarvis) was entertaining and kept the show rollin' along, as did the scantily clad broads with frizzled hair who sang and danced all over the gritty set which was designed perfectly--the onstage club looked as if it smelled of beer--or worse. The show is funny--half reverence and half spoof. All good. Ushers handed out halogen "lighters" to wave during the band's rockin' covers, and there was direct-to-seat waitservice for that wine cooler substitute of your choice. What's not to love?

Rock of Ages! It's a rock concert. It's a musical. It's a comedy. It's the 1980's. It's a hoot.

Special thanks to artmeetscommerce.net!

Mortified NYC! ~Tonight, Oct 20 ~At Comix



Creepy,
Scary,
Halloweeny
Teen Angst
Edition!
Got Tix?
Want Tix?
at Comix
8 pm
14th Street @ 9th Avnue

And I Ask You, Is Andrew Lahde Single?

Read Andrew Lahde's goodbye letter to his investors explaining why he's closing his hedge fund. Me like! Me love! Someone give him my number. Or give me his number. Someone make this happen.

Sunday, October 19, 2008

RIP, '08 BoSox. Go Phillies.

Captain Kirk's Guide to Women: It's Easy



www.captainkirksguidetowomen.com

People Yell at Each Other When They Move Furniture



Family Guy, Star Wars, January '08

A Creepy "Astrophysicist" to Pimp For Sharp & Ruin Your ALCS Experience? Luckily, I Am One

Gerard Fasel, Sharp's charming spokesalien. Photo from lifechangingbox.com .

If this guy isn't creeping you out, you're obviously not watching October baseball on TBS. Chiropter.blogspot.com wrote a terrific article on just who the hell this dude is (besides being a creep). Enjoy. And Happy Halloween!

Free Rice

Here's a clever and addictive way to strengthen your brain while you donate rice to the hungry!





Buffalo Bills are 5 -1!

And tonight, the Sox play their last game against the Tampa Bay Devil Rays (that's right, I said Devil, I ain't scared) competing to meet the Phillies in the World Series. I haven't been to Fenway since '07, and better have a reason to go in 08. Let's hope the worst part about tonight's game will be Matt Garza's spitting problem. Absolutely revolting. 

In other news, If I can get to Home Depot before it closes this evening, I might buy a geranium.

As you were.

GO SOX!

Friday, October 17, 2008

Mortified on Last Call with Carson Daly!



Mortified Creator, Dave Nadelberg, everybody! Tickets still available for Monday night's show in NYC! Produced and hosted by yours truly! I like to shout when I get excited for stuff! Can't you tell! 

MORTIFIED
MONDAY, OCTOBER 20
8 PM
COMIX
14TH & 9TH
NYC
 www.comixny.com

Madonna Divorce Sh*t Happens


Madonna, "Think of Me", Madonna, 1983

Oh, like I didn't wear this tape out on my toaster-sized cassette player (aka discount Walkman) during countless family outings with my parents including but not limited to the Nantucket Snoozefest and the Jimmy Buffett Concert on the Boston Common. Was it the Boston Common? Not sure, as I had my back to the stage, a smirk on my face, and this tune blaring in my ears while Jimmy was wasting away in Margaritaville and my folks were dancin' and drinkin' and having a grand old time. I still have this cassette and was inspired to write this post because I played it in an old timey cassette player machine just a few mintues ago. What a teenage twat I was. Is. Am. What?

Underrated Candy of the Day Award Goes To


Man. 3 of these is revealing itself to not be enough.

Red Sox Pull it Together in the 9th Inning

Clyde Engle, First Baseman
Boston Red Sox ~ American League~ 1911
Unbelievable. Simply terrific. I'm assuming Fenway's back of the house had time during Coco's endless at bat (which resulted in tying the game) to remove the champagne from Tampa Bay's locker room. Sox 8, Rays 7. Game 6 in Tampa tomorrow.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

NLCS Game 4: The Boston Massacre

Tampa Bay leads the Red Sox 10- 1 in the top of the 6th, and the bases are crammed. Juiced. Stacked. Up your ass. It is ridiculous.

In a related story, I just discovered that Doodle scooted herself across the bathroom floor to evidently dislodge a turd from her butt hole. The turd skid and turd itself were big clues as to what went down in there.

Wish I could say for sure about what's going down in Fenway, and me thinks it's the pitching. Everyone always blames pitching when teams go sour-it's the go-to answer--but in this case, it's absolutely true.

Please. The Sox might as well be lobbing turds at Tampa Bay. Doodle could do a better job. You should see her slider, man. Took me almost 5 minutes to clean it up. There was Ajax involved.

Obama Girls of Comedy: On Tour in a Swing City Near You!



Go see my peeps if you're close by, would you? You'll thank me later.


Tour Schedule:

Thursday Oct. 16th @8pm
NXNW
Philadelphia, PA
www.nxnwphl.com

Friday Oct. 17 @8pm/10pm
Slapsticks Comedy Loft
Pittsburgh, PA
http://slapstickscomedy.wordpress.com/

Saturday, Oct. 18th @8pm/10pm
Bears
Bloomington,IN
http://www.bearsplacebar.com/

Sunday, Oct. 19th @8pm
The Know Theatre
1120 Jackson Street
Cincinnati, OH 45202
http://www.knowtheatre.com/

Monday Oct. 20th @8pm
Wiley’s Dayton, OH
http://www.wileyscomedyclub.com/

Tuesday Oct. 21@8pm
Allentown Brew Works
Allentown, PA
http://www.thebrewworks.com/

T Minus 5.5 Days Until: Mortified in NYC!


You're Invited

to a

Very Special and Very Spooky


Halloween Edition

of




Monday

October 20, 2008

at 8:00 pm
Comix

353 West 14th Street
New York, New York 10014


Ripped from the pages of real life, Mortified is a comic excavation of adolescent artifacts (journals, letters, poems, lyrics, home movies, stories and more) as shared by their original authors before total strangers. Watch it live on the Comix stage on October 20th!

Co-produced in New York by Anne Altman & Brandy Barber, Mortified has been hailed as a "cultural phenomenon" by Newsweek and celebrated by the likes of This American Life, The Today Show, The Onion AV Club, Entertainment Weekly, Esquire, Jane, Daily Candy and more. The project collects childhood creations and uses them to reveal uniquely autobiographical tales. There are a million stories buried in the pages of ordinary people's lives. Their mission is to simply help find them.

Participants include a wide range of people, from professional performers (comics, celebrities, singers) to total amateurs (architects, ad execs, salesmen) all in the noble pursuit of self-degradation.

Where can you hear grown men and women confront their past with firsthand tales of their... first kiss, first puff, worst prom, fights with mom, life at bible camp, worst hand job, best mall job, and everything in between? Only at Mortified and only at Comix!

MON, OCT 20 @ 8:00 PM
Comix
353 West 14th St.


Tickets are $15 in advance (and $20 day-of-show) plus a two item minimum in showroom.
Tickets can be purchased at www.comixny.com or by calling 212.524.2500.

Weird Wedding Photos Part MLVMMVMCV

Bride: I'm think that if you girls wear bright Lilly Pulitzer designs and funky necklaces it'll distract the eye and draw less attention to the fact that we're all hopelessly hideous. Thoughts?

If I Needed Someone

If I needed someone to love
You're the one that Id be thinking of
If I needed someone

If I had some more time to spend
Then I guess Id be with you my friend
If I needed someone

Had you come some other day
It might not have been like this
But you see now Im too much in love

Carve your number on my wall and
Maybe you will get a call from me
If I needed someone

- guitar solo -

If I needed someone to love
Youre the one that Id be thinking of
If I needed someone

If I had some more time to spend
Then I guess Id be with you my friend
If I needed someone

Had you come some other day
It might not have been like this
But you see now Im too much in love

Carve your number on my wall and
Maybe you will get a call from me
If I needed someone

- guitar solo -

If I needed someone

by George Harrison ~ The Beatles, Rubber Soul, 1965

Self Portait Taken Before Camera Was Dropped into the Sea

Anne Garlanded in Gum
NYC ~ 9/22/08

Thursday, October 09, 2008

Have No Camera Will Travel

Kids,
I'll be out of touch for a few days. Leaving town for Vermont tonight for the weekend. Doodle is not coming with me. Doodle doesn't know this. Enjoy yourselves some Thursday thru Sunday without me, will you? See if you can try.
Love always,
Anne

Rock of Humiliation

So there we are, me and my date, on our way to see Rock of Ages, see. Just had dinner and a few drinks beforehand, and maybe we're a few minutes late. But not late, late. Just on time late. And anyway, so we get to the place, see, and I ask at Will Call Window for my tickets, right? And the guy's like, "We don't have you on the list." And I'm all, "Don't you know who I am?" And he's like, "Sorry, no tickets, talk to that lady over there." So I go over there, see, thinking that this broad is certainly gonna know who I am and everything, and I says to the lady, I says, "There should be a few comp tickets for me tonight," and she's like, "Oh, yes, well, the show was oversold so we released all the comp tickets at 7:45. Sorry. Here's a raincheck for next week."

Wow. Like so totally embarrassing, right? Burn. And since we couldn't go to the show and stuff, we went down the street for a drink. Rock of Ages Part Deux will happen next Wednesday.

The End.

Derek Trucks Band at the Blender Theater November 7

Yippee!

Wednesday, October 08, 2008

And What About 1998?

I'd better let Doyle Redland of Onion Radio News tell you about 1998. Sound up. Safe for work in a teacher's lounge.

Tonight I'll Be in 1986


That's right, The Rock of Ages Musical Off Broadway is in previews and I'm going tonight! Read this synopsis and tell me you're not a little jelly that I'm goin' and you're not. You know you're a little jelly...

It’s the late 1980s and the final countdown is on for a legendary Hollywood rock club facing its demise at the hands of eager developers. When a young rocker hungry for his big break and a small town girl chasing her dreams land on the scene at this infamous venue, how far will ambition drive them? And will it be lights out for the club and all the regulars and rockers who have made it their home?


ROCK OF AGES takes you on a musical trip with a story set to blazing hits from such iconic rockers as Journey, Bon Jovi, Styx, Reo Speedwagon, Pat Benatar, Twisted Sister, Poison, Asia, Whitesnake and many more.

Plus, it's starring Constantine Maroulis. You know, that dude with the hair. From American Idol. The one you don't remember.


Speaking of Rock of Ages, here's another fun fact: If you Google Rock of Ages, the first two results are for Rock of Ages Granite Memorials in Barre, Vermont which I've been to and is extremely cool---as is Hope Cemetery, a veritable art exhibit of the granite artisans' work. I blogged all about it a few summers ago. Before I threw my camera into the ocean.

Beautiful


"Union Square from a skyscraper."
5x7 glass negative, George Grantham Bain.
Click on image to view full size. Beautiful.
from shorpy.com

Who Won? Still Undecided?



or



Obama Clearly Won the Debate and McCain Clearly Won the Debate

Clearly. Don't believe me? Click here.







Live Debate Blogging Coverage by TWO CAN ANNE approved by Uncle Mike and www.createfarts.com.

Tuesday, October 07, 2008

I Know You're Wondering

Are you fucked up enough to watch the debate tonight? No! The answer is no. GET CRACKIN'.

Who's Excited About Halloween?

I don't know, but it ain't Doodle.
Doodle
October, 2008

Does anyone know how long it took me to make that hat? Anyone? IT HAS AN ELASTIC CHIN STRAP FOR CRYIN OUT LOUD!

Rough Rough Rough

What to write about when everyone is so down? I can't even cheer myself up, let alone y'all.

Look at the email I just received from our local Wall Street area watering hole, the Pound and Pence:

If the Dow Jones Closes 100 Points Lower then Yesterday's Close...
HALF PRICE DRINKS AT THE BAR ALL EVENING
Receive Instant Savings When You Show This Message to the Bartender on Your Phone or on a Printed Copy.
Valid Only On Beverage Purchases at the Bar.

My Office Is Taller Than Your Office


Monday, October 06, 2008

The Red Sox Play Game 4 of the ALDS vs the Angels

Just who is this Fake Jerry Springer who sits directly behind first plate at Fenway Park, dead center? There he is, at every game, in the best seat in the house, Mr. Fake Jerry Springer, lovin' life, lookin' all smug with his arms crossed, like "Hey, I know you think I look like Jerry Springer," and he totally knows we're talking about him. Which we are. I mean, I am. (Aren't we?) Tonight, he's wearing a bright blue Cookie Monster colored fleece--49 degrees in Boston. Oh, Fake Jerry Springer Cookie Monster! You looks cozy. But blue, Fake Jerry Springer, at Fenway? He can has cookie? Go Sox! I want to see more baseball! And more of Fake Jerry Springer's winter outerwear collection.

Hangin' with Hooligans out by the Honey House

From left to right:
Hooligan #1, Hooligan #2, Aunt Betsy, obscured Hooligan, Center Hooligan, Aunt Tootsie? Dad, Uncle Butch with Rabbit, Hooligan #3, Hooligan #4
Olean, New York
circa 1951

Have You Checked Your 401k Today? This Guy Did



3rd Avenue, NYC
July, 2008

Saturday, October 04, 2008

Ugly Sexy is a Thing and It's Hot



The Rolling Stones, Sympathy for the Devil, Live at Altamont, 1969

Friday, October 03, 2008

Sara Palin Debate Flow Chart



Come See Mortified in NYC on October 20 at Comix


MORTIFIED!


Ripped from the pages of real life, Mortified is a comic excavation of adolescent artifacts (journals, letters, poems, lyrics, home movies, stories and more) as shared by their original authors before total strangers. Watch it live on the Comix stage on October 20.

Co-produced in New York by Brandy Barber & Anne Altman, Mortified has been hailed as a "cultural phenomenon" by Newsweek and celebrated by the likes of This American Life, The Today Show, The Onion AV Club, Entertainment Weekly, Esquire, Jane, Daily Candy and more. The project collects childhood creations and uses them to reveal uniquely autobiographical tales. There are a million stories buried in the pages of ordinary people's lives. Their mission is to simply help find them.

Participants include a wide range of people, from professional performers (comics, celebrities, singers) to total amateurs (architects, ad execs, salesmen) all in the noble pursuit of self-degradation. Where can you hear grown men and women confront their past with firsthand tales of their... first kiss, first puff, worst prom, fights with mom, life at bible camp, worst hand job, best mall job, and everything in between? Only at Mortified and only at Comix!


Monday, October 20, @ 8:00 PM
Comix
353 West 14th St.
Tickets are $15 in advance and $20 day-of-show plus a two item minimum in showroom. Tickets can be purchased at www.comixny.com or by calling 212.524.2500.

Lookin' for a Place to Take a P or a D in NYC?

Wee hee!

Sarah Palin: Wicked Smart

From Wikipedia:
Palin attended several colleges and universities. In 1982, she enrolled at Hawaii Pacific College but left after her first semester. She transferred to North Idaho Community College, where she spent two semesters as a general studies major. From there, she transferred to the University of Idaho for two semesters. During this time Palin won the Miss Wasilla Pageant beauty contest,then finished third (second runner-up) in the Miss Alaska pageant, at which she won a college scholarship and the "Miss Congeniality" award. She then left the University of Idaho and attended Matanuska-Susitna Community College in Alaska for one term. The next year she returned to the University of Idaho where she spent three semesters completing her Bachelor of Science degree in communications-journalism, graduating in 1987.

Read Tim Noah's article in Slate about Palin's "education" here.

Thursday, October 02, 2008

BLOOMBERG FOR PRESIDENT 2008

fOR SeRIOUS.

Sarah Palin Wins the 2008 Vice Presidential Debate



Sara Benincasa as Sarah Palin with Diana Saez.

Brava, bella regazzas!

Sarah Palin 2008 Vice Presidential Such As Debate Live Such As Blogging Coverage



Sarah Palin, '08 VP Debator: Homespun Horseshit or Honey Grahams Crammed in Your Honey Hole?

It's Bad You Know



R.L. Burnside, "It's Bad You Know" from the album, Come on In. 1998

Play Palin Bingo Tonight!


I guarantee it'll make the Palin/Biden debate more fun and less frightening. Or is that less fun and more frightening? Either way, drink yourself stupid so you can relate (while you can still afford that over the counter booze). Click here to print out your Bingo cards and/or make your own!

I'm Not Saying Guys are Gross But...

...You don't catch many (if any) broads stealin' and sniffin' dudes' shoes and underpants.

So, I guess I am saying guys are gross. Guys? You're gross.

I'll Be Performing at the Princess Ballroom Tonight


I'm doing 2 sets of armpit farts at 7 and 9:30! Make sure to join me and Harold at the bar for a few sloe gin fizzes around 8, huh? See you later.

The Above Beers in Bottles for Family Use a Specialty

NYC - 1895

How Can I Throw Her Out the Window When She Looks at Me Like This?

Doodle, NYC ~ 2/07

Wednesday, October 01, 2008

Wig Out by Tarell Alvin McCraney? Wig Freakin' Tastic!

After Google imaging Tarell Alvin McCraney, I realize I was sitting directly in front of the young playwright himself during last night's tremendous debut performance of his new play, Wig Out! Wig Out lets the audience inside of the fascinating sub-culture of drag and the importance of the Drag Ball, the origins of which can be traced back to Harlem in the 1920s and 30's. The playbill included a handy glossary of drag ball terms, and here are a few:



photo by Carol Rosegg for the New York Times

Chop: To disqualify or eliminate
Star: An up-and-coming Legend; a frequent winner that is making a name for themselves.
Vogue: A style of dance which seamlessly combines a diverse range of movement disciplines, including modern/jazz dance, ballet, martial arts, gymnastics, yoga, and more.
Walk: To compete in a ball category, which entails walking on the runway; to enter a category.
Shade: Underhanded dealing(s) or disrespect. To "throw shade" is to take a superior attitude, to criticize, demean, or insult; to diss or derogate.

Moving monologues by several of the show's characters began with "My grandmother wore a wig," or "My mother wore a wig," or "My father wore a wig," as they described pieces of their life with their original families before they join the family of the House of Light (what this particular drag house is called). But the incredible set-- which is literally a catwalk--the dazzling makeup, fierce wardrobes, wigs, music, singing, and dancing aside (prime for fantastic photos I could've snapped had I not dropped my camera into the ocean last weekend), the beautifully written, touching and funny show is really less about gender and sexuality and all about family--as non-traditional as it may appear--and the roles played within.

Read a fancy pants review of the show here by Ben Brantley for the New York Times. I hear he's one tough cookie to please, and he loved it too.

Special thanks to artmeetscommerce.

Fun Time Ways to Enjoy the U.S. Economy Tanking

As you watch your stocks plummet in value and your savings depleted because of the rising costs of living and envision your retirement--not spent relaxing on a lake in a rowboat but rather wearing an apron and cheerily greeting other jerks shopping at Wal-Mart--might I suggest some deep breathing exercises to prevent you from driving your car into a tree? You're welcome.

DEEP BREATHING EXERCISES
from www.dartmouth.edu


Breathing Awareness and Deep Breathing

  1. Lie down or sit in a comfortable chair, maintaining good posture. Your body should be as relaxed as possible. Close your eyes. Scan your body for tension.
  2. Pay attention to your breathing. Place one hand on the part of your chest or abdomen that seems to rise and fall the most with each breath. If this spot is in your chest you are not utilizing the lower part of your lungs.
  3. Place both hands on your abdomen and follow your breathing, noticing how your abdomen rises and falls.
  4. Breathe through your nose.
  5. Notice if your chest is moving in harmony with your abdomen.
  6. Now place one hand on your abdomen and one on your chest.
  7. Inhale deeply and slowly through your nose into your abdomen. You should feel your abdomen rise with this inhalation and your chest should move only a little.
  8. Exhale through your mouth, keeping your mouth, tongue, and jaw relaxed.
  9. Relax as you focus on the sound and feeling of long, slow, deep breaths.

Complete Natural Breathing

  1. Sit or stand with good posture.
  2. Breathe through your nose.
  3. Inhale, filling first the lower part of your lungs then the middle part, then the upper part.
  4. Hold your breath for a few seconds.
  5. Exhale slowly. Relax your abdomen and chest.

Salazar's CD Release Show at Arlene's Grocery This Saturday


A Special Announcement

from my peeps in

Salazar:


"We want to let you know that everyone who comes to Arlene's Grocery for the show on
October 4 will receive a copy of The Great Decay absolutely FREE! It will also be available as a free MP3 download for you ipod type people. We want to thank all of you for your continued support of this band, for coming to our shows, and for telling your friends about us, and we figured what better way to thank you than to give you all our new record for free!

We very much hope to see you there.


Salazar on myspace
Salazar on Facebook



Saturday, OCTOBER 4
10pm - $10
Arlene's Grocery
95 Stanton Street

Record Release - FREE CD FOR ALL!

Man o' the People McCain's 13 Bedroom, 14.5 Bath House is for Sale, Yo

Jump on it!