Saturday, February 27, 2010

The Dunkin Donuts Guy Knows

"When are you due?" called out the man with the kind smile behind the D&D counter.

"A few weeks!"

"I think it's coming earlier. It looks that way. I'm a physician's assistant, I work at a hospital, see it all the time...A week earlier!"

No, baby, no!

Friday, February 26, 2010

I Prefer February Snowflakes

Fifth Avenue, after a snow storm, New York. (1905)

Thursday, February 25, 2010

The Trash Man Knows

This morning as I walked to work, a man lifting a huge bag of garbage off the sidewalk into his truck grinned and shouted, "It's a boy, gurrrrl! IT'S A BOY!" It was cute how excited he was about it. A sweet NYC moment.

Clearly the basketball is impossible to hide now. Everyone's got something to say about it.

Yet a few minutes later when I walked through the doors of the subway car I immediately, amazingly, stopped looking pregnant: Not one person offered up their seat. Most of them saw me and quickly closed their eyes to feign a snooze, pulled their hats down over their eyes, or pushed their books up to their faces. Really, fat boy in your 30's, eating Skittles, listening to your iPod and pretending to sleep? You really need that seat? What about those Skittles?

Yesterday, I got aggressive about it. As I waddled to an empty seat, a tall blonde with a Women's Fitness magazine in the crook of her arm bum rushed me for it. I suddenly was 6 years old again and suffering through a game of musical chairs (cruelest kid game ever invented); everyone had a seat but I, nobody needed it more than I, and I can't rush anywhere for anything. I felt like crying. Instead of crying, I tapped the chick who bum rushed me with a "May I sit?" She obliged. As she should've. Doesn't it feel good to help someone out? Not according to Skittle man.

Some people are observant and kind, most are selfish and unaware and totally happy fine with it. C'est la vie; jerks are here to stay.

Let's hope this kid I'm haulin' around isn't a jerk.

Pajama Jeans vs Maternity Corset?

"An interesting ad showing a rarely seen maternity corset. Although in an age before birth control where women were pregnant for most of their child bearing lives, maternity clothing and especially underwear, was rarely advertised. The drawing of the mother to be, shows her in fashionable envelope combinations with ribbon shoulder straps, high heel slippers and a flowing dressing gown, a far cry from the dowdy clothes most pregnant woman had to wear. Her corset looks to be made from spotted broche and had a fashionable low bust with lace and ribbon trim but still comes down low over the hips.

There is a short front bust pictured on the corset and would have had hook and eye closures below the busk to fasten the bottom of the corset 'skirt'. A large, wide panel is seen on the bottom half of the corset on each side of the busk and bottom opening of the corset, this would have been most likely elastic and would have allowed for the 'bump' to grow and provide support for the mother. The side lacing would also allow for the corset to be adjusted for size as the mother grew bigger."


Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Let's Face It

I'm 3 weeks away from baby, but only seconds away from Pajama Jeans.

Thanks for sending this info my way, A.! I think my readers will benefit from the pajamas you live in/the jeans you sleep in.

Sure, organized society will collapse as a result, but it'll be comfy at first.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

In a Google Minute

So I went a-Googlin' to find you this amazing cat with cat-shaped spots on its back, and I ended up also finding this fun Who Am I --in this case, "Look Who's Lost Her Mind" --quiz!

You're welcome.

Could be my new favorite website? Let's hope not.

Cute Then, Cute Now, It's So Very Easy Being Me

Bouncing baby girl, crazy daisy wallpaper.
Anne ~ February, 1970's (Obviously, have you seen the wallpaper?)

Friday, February 19, 2010

The First Winter Olympics

Was called International Winter Sports Week, and it was held in Chamonix, France.

Olympian ski jumpers perform on famous $6,000 imported snow. (1924)

How Will I Send the Kid to College?

Spare change collected here, there, and everywhere, obvs!

Walked that bucket of beans I had on the credenza in my foyer over to the Penny Arcade at TD Bank this morning, and I left with just over $145.00 in paper money.


Wednesday, February 17, 2010

October Country

I got out last night to see a documentary I read about in the Village Voice called October Country. I had to see it for so many reasons:

  1. I love a documentary

  2. October is my favorite month

  3. October Country is about the Mohawk Valley in Central New York State, which is where I went to college. I've got a huge heart for that place.

  4. The film is about real Americans really struggling. It's tagline? "Every family has its ghosts." Word.

  5. The flick has a limited February 12-17 run in Manhattan

  6. I've got a limited run on a social life which doesn't include spitup and Elmo

October Country is honest, depressing, beautiful, and though sad and bordering on pathetic as hell, it is often very funny and offers a tiny glimmer of hope. Here's a review in the New York Times by By A. O. Scott.

October Country. Directed by Michael Palmieri and Donal Mosher; director of photography, Mr. Palmieri; produced and edited by Mr. Palmieri; music by Danny Grody, Mr. Mosher, Mr. Palmieri and Kenric Taylor; released by Wishbone Films and Film Circuit International. At the IFC Center, 323 Avenue of the Americas, at Third Street, Greenwich Village. Running time: 1 hour 20 minutes.

I'd Would Have Wished You a Happy Presidents Day

But my office wasn't closed Monday, so to me, it just was a regular day. I suppose I could have wished you a Happy Regular Day. And I didn't.

That wasn't very nice of me, was it?

Frankly, I've been a tad self-absorbed.

In a month, I'm due to give birth to a baby, you see, and I'm simply not ready for my new roommate. The kitchen and living room still need to be painted, and the painter allegedly arrived this morning. With hope, he's not robbing me blind and perving out on my underwear drawer. And there's still stuff to be moved around and put up for his arrival, and it's tough enough for me to get out of my own way, let alone find the energy for that. Doodle has been supportive emotionally, but when it comes to manual labor she comes up short; unless, of course, I need a mouse caught in the basement, brought up 9 flights of stairs into the apartment, and tortured and beheaded in the bathroom, and well, clearly that chore isn't on the top of my checklist right now. Sorry, Doodle. Different priorities.

Other things on the checklist Doodle won't be much help with include electrical work, renewing my license at the DMV, filing my taxes, finding a pediatrician, and researching childcare options. Then there's see my friends and do things I enjoy before I can't anymore. Oh, and sleep, which I don't.

Saturday morning I'll visit the hair salon for the first time since August, considering there won't be time for that come March. According to my last childbirth class, however, I won't have to worry about my hairdo after the baby's born, because it will be falling out all over the place.
Other things to look forward to when you have a baby:
  • Violent mood swings
  • Tearing your undercarriage from "ear to ear"
  • Blowing your butt hole out like cauliflower
  • Boobs which sprink leaks at random

Prepare for Ash Wednesday Ashes Day

I always forget about Ash Wednesday until I'm startled by somone's ashy forehead smudge.

I was startled a few minutes ago, so guess what? It must be Ash Wednesday.

Time for my annual Ash Wednesday: Awkward at the Office Re-Post!

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Valentine's Day Ain't Just for Lovers

It also happens to be a day you can celebrate friendship, babies on the way, divorce plans, wedding plans, new puppies, old dogs, tea sandwiches, scones, cupcakes, candy, a pot of tea, and champagne with strawberries too, you know. Or in this particular photo, club soda with a strawberry (and a heavy dash of St. Germain)
Valentine's Day, 2010 on the Upper East Side (clearly)

Me and Whip

Nobody makes me laugh like my sister. Even her laugh makes me laugh. This might not be the most flattering photo we've ever had taken of us, but I love it because it shows how much we enjoy each other.
Anne and Whipcreamy, NYE 2009~ Bethany, CT
Photo by Liz

Mommy's Side of the Fambly

The Lynn Clan, circa 1920's
(Florida or South Carolina)
My great-grandfather is the white haired fellow in the front row with a saluting (sun-shading) tyke on his lap.

You're Givin' It? I'm Takin' It

An extremely handsome man I know sent me an email this morning with the subject line, "I did not know that you starred in Inglorious Basterds."

And in the body of the email, he provided this link.

I was confused.

I wrote back, "Are you saying I look like this chick?"

(He couldn't possibly mean I look like this chick. Sure, we both have split ends, but...)

He replied, "What are you nuts/blind. Its you."

Um...Am I nuts? Possibly. Blind? Absolutely not. Is he nuts/blind? In my opinion, clearly.

Regardless, I'm taking his word for it.

Do you believe in magic? In this case I do. I have to.

Monday, February 15, 2010

They Say Not to Judge a Book by Its Haircut

Amy Bishop
AP Photo/Huntsville Police Dept

But... come on. This book is crazy.

Are You S.A.D.?

My peeps are. Are you also spending too much time on your Netflix cue? Check out their amazing Winter Jam, S.A.D., and you won't feel so alone. Spring is right around the corner, yo. Trust.

Winter Jam with Miss CKC (Carolyn Castiglia), TMC (Tom McCaffrey), Beena Steena (Mara Herron). Shot/Directed/Edited by Anya Garrett. f/ Beatboxing by Andrew Gutterson. Recorded/Mixed by Soce the Elemental Wizard. Beat by YoungFIMusician

Special thanks to Sara Schaefer and Christina Dunham. H/MU: Niketta Scott.

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Friday, February 12, 2010

Quality Time with Doodle Before Baby

An oldie but a goodie
Anne & Doodle ~ NYC, Summer, 2007

Note to Self

Dear Anne,

Do not buy more than 2 ready-to-eat avocados at a time. By the time you are ready to eat them, they look ready to eat you.

You're simply not on a fresh avocado time table right now. Just accept it.

Okay? Great. Bye.


You Can Hang It Up When You Make the Times, Right?


My So-Called Life

Published: February 10, 2010

There should be a word for it in German. The feeling you get when you hear someone read from her long lost diary about her middle school crush. Thursday night, you can revel in that unique form of humiliation at the 92YTribeca where Comedy Below Canal is presenting a heartbreak edition of "Mortified." The show is a comedic "excavation of teen angst artifacts" including journals, letters, poems, lyrics, home movies and more as shared by their original authors before total strangers. This show is hosted by Anne Altman and features Adam Wade, Jenn Wehrung, Jasmin Singer, Brooke Van Poppelen, Todd Rosenberg, Julia Wright, Boni Joi and Julianna Forlano.


Thursday, February 11, 2010

Cookie Monster

A tin of these fine cookies made their way into my desk drawer. And four of these fine cookies just made their way out of the drawer and into my pie hole. I like these cookies. Cookies dangerous.
Inexpensive, delicious, ridiculously underrated. Get them away from me.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Ok Enough With the Non Nonsense Around Here!

This is the kind of stuff that makes me laugh.

Unlike over-forecasty, headline-deprived, alarmist weather forecasters, which make me annoyed. This is the second "SNOWSTORM OF THE CENTURY" for Manhattan in less than a week with predictions of a foot (or more!) and there's nary an inch of snow on the ground. Get a life.

Subway Art ~ E Train @ 50th Street, Monday, February 8, 2010

Tuesday, February 09, 2010

No Kidding

"Sex is something I really don't understand too hot. You never know where they hell you are. I keep making up these sex rules for myself, and then I break them right away. Last year I made rule that I was going to quit horsing around with girls that, deep down, gave me a pain in the ass. I broke it, though, the same week I made it--the same night, as a matter of fact."

-Holden Caufield, The Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger

Mortified NYC! Holiday Heartbreak on Thursday!

Mortified's Heartbreak Holiday Show is featured in The L Magazine this week, so you KNOW it's good! Valentine's Day sucks. Love stinks. Come on out and share the shame!

Thursday, February 11, 2010
9 pm

Friday, February 05, 2010

Got Storm?

Remarkably, NYC might get some accumulation. Might. Sure, it's an exciting city where we don't need storms to liven things up, but I enjoy snow. And let's face it, I'm pretty uncomfortable these days (Hell, people are shouting, "Pregnant!" at me on the street), and I need to enjoy stuff while I can. Let it snow.

You Know You're Pregnant When

  1. Your period stops
  2. You feel queasy
  3. You grow a belly
  4. Something within that belly moves around a la Alien
  5. Your walk turns into a waddle
  6. Oh, and most important: A guy passes you on the sidewalk with, "Pregnant!"


Who needs to buy a Clearblue Easy test when you've got that guy tellin' you what time it is?

Wednesday, February 03, 2010

Mortified NYC! Heartbreak Holiday Edition One Week Away

The Heartbreak Holiday Edition
Thursday, February 11

@ the 92YTribeca

Produced by Anne Altman and Julia Wright.

Featuring really pathetic teen crap written by the following relatively reasonable grownups:

Brooke Van Poppelen, Jenn Wehrung, Adam Wade, Todd Rosenberg, Jasmin Singer, Boni Joi and more!

"A cultural phenomenon!" (Newsweek)
"Captivating!" (Entertainment Weekly)
"Spreading the new gospel of awkward all over the land." (Daily Candy)
"These readings capture just how wrong-headed we can be back when we were teenagers." (This American Life)
"Comic genius! (
"Funny and horrifying" (USA Today Pop Candy)
Mortified is a totally grassroots organization and depends on people like YOU spreading the word. Please pass this on.

Help Three Friends Win a Well-Deserved Award

Direct message from my pal Matt McCarthy (your favorite red-headed Verizon commercial cable guy)



Then maybe feed an animal for free?

As you were, do gooder!

Too Good to be True

Cupcakes topped with not just vanilla babies but chocolate as well (or Latino babies, as the package read, apparently). Comix, NYC ~ 1/27/10

Jon Friedman cracking up the kids with"your mother" jokes. Comix, NYC ~ 1/27/10

Folks "show"ered (and roasted) me and baby-to-be with love last week at Comix for the first-ever comedy co-ed Baby SHOWer that people not only didn't whine about attending beforehand, but raved about for days afterward.

Produced by Jenn Wehrung, Julia Wright, and Brandy Barber.

Special guests included dear peeps Jenn Hyjack, Honi Harlow, Giulia Rozzi, Shawn Hollenbach, Jenny Rubin, Jon Friedman, Leah Dubie, Matt Sears, Katina Corrao and Adam Wade live via satellite (or pre-recorded video, if you want to get technical)! Oh, and there were tremendous cupcakes.

Photos by Jenn Wehrung

Monday, February 01, 2010

Goodfellas Peanuts: Funny, How?

My Wife, Uh

"My wife went through my phone, and, uh, may be calling you."

Heh heh. That's still so good. Oh, Tiger.

Tonight: Honi's Hide-a-Way!

Honi Harlow’s Hide-a-Way
Monday, February 1

“Cudzoo & The Fagettes” Band at 8:00 pm
Show at 8:30 pm
Tickets $10 (Say you're a friend of Honi's for $5 tickets)

@ Fontana’s

105 Eldridge Street
New York, NY 10002-4482
(212) 334-6740

Your Host: Honi Harlow

Your Stars:
Bunny Love
Jo Boobs
Creamy Stevens
Dame Cuchifrita
Bella Da Balls
Rob Davis
Maddy Mann & Lexi
Erica Bradshaw
Jenn Hyjack

Plus Special Guests from the cast of "Fetes de la Nuit"
Kris, John, and Alexandria