Well Said, Jimi

Dick Cavett Show, Jimi Hendrix

And Another Thing

The Rainbow Connection by Paul Williams & Kenneth Ascher. Sung by Kermit the Frog and Debbie Harry on The Muppet Show, '81

One Thing Before I Go

1. This is a fascinating article that all single, in a relationship, engaged, married, separated, divorced, re-married, and re-divorced people should read. Right now. 
   

Let's Call the Whole Thing Off by Sandra Tsing Loh for the Atlantic. 

Enjoy. 

PS You're welcome! 

Ridiculous is Her Resting Face

Doodle, NYC ~ July, 2009

Dear HBO's Entourage

fuck. off.

Let's Play a Game: Name That Machine

Sky Pop Beach

Anne on the Beach with a Tootsie Roll Pop, Orange. Fire Island Pines, NY ~ July 19, 2009

Cat Shiz for Today

Dave and I tried to explain to Tuna (someone who didn't grow up with cats) what they do when they see prey they want to munch on. Doodle does it at flies and moths, and Iris, Dave's cat, would do it at birds. They make this high pitched chirpy, chattering noise which is involuntary for them and hilarious for us. Here's an example I found on YouTube, it's slow going, but then it peaks in the right place. You'll see. 

And while we're here, let's check out a video of two cats doing some plain old meowing. It's cute. They totally dig each other.



And finally, someone twist on the same vid, it's clever:



Ok, I hope these blew some of the doom and gloom out of your room. You're welcome.

Stuff Guaranteed to Make Doodle Want to Poo on My Bed

Therapy's a Train & Ferry Ride Away

Fire Island Pines, NY ~ July 19, 2009

Pretty Much Me and All Y'All

Bathroom of a random bar in NYC ~ May, 2009

Is It Worth It

Missy Elliott's Work It - (Deep) Remix

The Jets' Mark Sanchez? Don't Mind if We Do

Fire Island, NY ~ June 29, 2009

Poo Stains on the Carpet of the Feline Variety

are harder to erase than puke stains. 

This leads me to believe that what I thought was a puke stain is actually a poo stain. 

The End. 

Mortified NYC: Tonight!

Get Mortified

@

Le Poisson Rouge

158 Bleecker Street, NYC

7 pm

$15

Come share the shame!

If You Want to Get Fired Up About Toll Takers and Their Attitudes

Read this article "The Toll Road Not Taken," by Paul Kix.

$70K, full benefits, 6 weeks of vacation and 15 sick days? We're all in the wrong line of work.

We're All Hanging in There

Doodle (in a harness not a noose) in Astoria, NYC~ July 12, 2009

Photo by Jenn Wehrung.

Whisker River Take Me Down

Doodle, NYC ~ July 12, 2009

Whiskerlicious. Whiskdiculous. Wicked f'in whiskery. 

Willie Nelson, live in 2004 with Whiskey River. My Dad's favorite. And mine. Da. Da. Da. 

PS See where Doodle's mouth slopes down on the right (her left)? That's where her tooth ain't these days. 

What People Want to Do This Summer: So Far

get tan
0 (0%)
get rich
3 (15%)

get fit
2 (10%)

get high
0 (0%)
get laid
4 (20%)

get over him/her
1 (5%)

get over myself
3 (15%)

get drunk
1 (5%)

get bent
1 (5%)

get married
0 (0%)
get divorced
1 (5%)

get a life
1 (5%)

get a job
3 (15%)

get a pet
0 (0%)
get lost
0 (0%)
get boobs
0 (0%)
get arrested
0 (0%)

Today's "News"

1 - Dick Cheney is a creep

2- The French are rude

3- Doodle is cute

Tighten Up, Yo

Archie Bell and the Drells, live w/ Tighten Up, 1967. 

Hotel: Adult Channels

From who else but m' peepz at Front Page Films. Enjoy.

I'm Not Sayin' Your Cat's Not Cute

Doodle, NYC ~ July 11, 2009

It's just that mine will get more work. Tragically, your cat's a sweetie and Doodle's a bitch. That's Hollywood. 

We Want to Wish You a Great Weekend

You KNOW this is cute.

The Back Room's at Ochi's Tonight So Come on Out

THE BACK ROOM at Ochi's Lounge- The Back Room is a provocative gay stand-up show featuring NYC’s best working and up and coming gay, lesbian and sexy comics. The show is always polished and sometimes a little dirty. We’re next to a rest room in the Meatpacking District, would you expect anything less? While in the crowd you can peer over and perhaps meet a hunky man or a sassy gal to your liking. You never know what will happen in the Back Room! Click here for more.

The Back Room

Tonight, July 10, 2009

9 pm

Ochi's Lounge (basement of Comix)

14th Street near 9th Avenue

Free

I've done this show, and it's one of my favorites in the city. Hosted by my idol Jenny Rubin and my other delightful (and handsome) pals Paul Case, Dave Rubin, and Shawn Hollenbach.

See you there, punks!

Bull Euthanizes Idiot in Pamplona

Congratulations, bull! Sure, you were only able to pick off one idiot in hundreds who traumatize you through the streets of Madrid before murdering you in a bullring tonight, but at least you got one. Viva, bull.

You Wouldn't Understand, It's a Whisker Thing

Doodle, NYC ~ July 8, 2009

www.marriedtothesea.com

Word, Freddy. Word.

Freddy Fender, Wasted Days, Wasted Nights, 1975

One Week Until Maximum Awkward: Mortified NYC on July 16

image from the Georgetown Indy.


Original awkward teen angst material read aloud in front of strangers by its original now-adult authors who may or may not still be awkward. Come share the shame!

At Le Poisson Rouge
Thursday, July 16 @ 7 pm

Got tix? $10 tix available now! ($15 day of show)


Yours in angst,
Anne

http://www.getmortified.com/

Texting with Tuna the Fish

Autobiography: Vol. VI
Vol. 1: Not One Head Turned
Vol. 2: The Dirty Prude: My Story
Vol 3. No One to Love and Nothing Left to Drink
Vol. 4. Tuna: Thin Lips and All

Tuna ~ 07/09/2009 12:28 PM

What I'm Reading Right Now: A Drinking Life by Pete Hamill

A Drinking Life by Pete Hamill
A memoir about a first-generation Irish Brooklyn-born boy and his relationship with his family, the city of New York, and booze. Vivid and fascinating.

Lonesome, On'ry, and Mean

Waylon Jennings c. 1973, Lonesome, On'ry, and Mean, written by Steve Young 

The Incomparable Giulia Rozzi

If you find yourself in Beantown this weekend and want to howl, I've got the broad for you: 

My pal, Giulia Rozzi. 

You may recognize the lovely Giulia from MTV, Vh1.com, her weekly standup all over NYC, her performances in Mortified, or from the comedic sex-themed storytelling show "Stripped Stories" which she co-produces at UCB. Check her out, Boston peeps, because she'll be headlining at Mottley's this weekend. You can thank me later. 

Giulia Rozzi headlining at Mottleys Comedy Club! With guests Jon Rineman, Jamie Lee, and Shaun Bedgood! 2 Nights Only 8pm, Friday July 10th and Saturday July 11th  61 Chatham Street (Near Fanueil Hall) Get tickets at http://www.mottleyscomedy.com/  or call 877.615.2844 

Doodle on the Ottoman & a Brassiere on the Door

Doodle, NYC ~ May, 2009

An Open Letter to the Terrified, Balding Dudes o' the Land,

Dear Terrified, Balding Dudes o' the Land,


I watch a lot of televised sports without the benefit of DVR, so I endure endless commercials aimed at terrified balding dudes. Such as yourselves. I paid particularly close attention to the Bosley spots last night, and I'd like us to go over this new hair business together, shall we?

Logically speaking, if reversing baldness was possible, then the promise of hair re-growth certainly wouldn't be described as a "Hair Replacement System." Also, if hair replacement systems are so awesome, why are the commercials so vague and entirely devoid of details save for Before and After shots?



I'll tell you why:




Because whatever the heck it it's all about, it's going to be terrible. For you, for me, for everyone.



Look. A decent broad doesn't give a fat crap that you're balding because she's got bigger things to worry about, like whether or not you're a good person, or that you're employed. Or the fact that there's a Hair Replacement System on the market but no cure for cancer of the lady bits, PMS, or an easier way to grow another human being in / shoot one out of her body. Sure, nobody likes getting or appearing older, but it's a fact of life. So, you're going bald. Imagine if you were a baldish/balding/bald woman? You can't imagine it because you don't have to.

The simple truth is, Terrified Balding Dudes, your hair loss is the least of your problems, and I don't even know you.

So, save your money and dignity and just say no Bosley. Shave what you've got high, tight, and proud, boys! 

And let. It. Go.


Love you mean it call me,

Anne

Anne's New Favorite Blog in Addition to Others' Blogs and Her Own Blog

Chingchang.


*Actually I'm not the biggest fan of my blog, but I don't want to insult the taste of those who are

Larry David and the Bluetooth Talker

See, the thing is, I think I was way more tolerant about when I was doing my Qi Gong regularly, but these daysl this type of crap, this public cellphone conversation junk? It's completely pushing me over the edge. I, like Larry, don't tolerate it well. Instead of talking to an imaginary friend, I instead repeat out loud exactly what the offensive person says on their half of the call. It's good. 

"OMG, so my doctor? he totally told me that I might be hypoglycemic? I know! And I was like..." --skank

"OMG, so my doctor? he totally told me that I might by hypoglycemic? I know! And I was like..." --anne, repeating after skank

Years ago, I did this to 2 offensive folks seated near me on an Amtrak train from NYC to Boston. One dude stopped when he heard his own words subtly echoed. The other was too self important to notice how obnoxious he was, too wrapped up in how important he was and how thrilled he was to conduct his personal business on a public train. Mr. Self Important (a "big" Broadway composer type--generally known as a theater fenoik--shall remain nameless. Why? Because I'm kind, of course) left his cellphone number repeatedly while leaving voicemail messages for others. I heard that number no less than 20 times and it was seared in my memory enough to share it with my friends (I have a lot of friends). No doubt the nutsack was a little bewildered when he started receiving dozens of voicemail messages at all hours, from all sorts of random numbers, in totally random male and female voices, about

1)Mom's recent eyeball surgery---they did something to the cornea, the doctor says recovery should take about 3 weeks

2) The flowers that the brother supposedly sent Mom while she was in the hospital--did they arrive?
2) The brickwork that he and the boyfriend are replacing around the fireplace--it looks amazing, but there is an issue with how long the job is taking
3) The grey pinstripe suit that needs to be picked up by his assistant from Today's Man--was it picked up yet? It's been hemmed and it's ready...

but I guarantee you he was the only one who was bewildered. F that guy. Stupid jerk. 

I Prefer to Judge You From Way Up Here

Doodle, NYC ~ May, 2009

The Ultimate Wish Burn

Let's say you're a mediocre piano player. When it comes to singing, carrying a tune is the only compliment you can garnish from anyone. And yet you've always fantasized about being a rock star.

One afternoon, while wearing some festive/functional lederhosen and hiking your way through a lush forest in Denmark, you encounter a strange toad monster ogre dude who leaps out from behind a bush to make your wish come true (I don't know, I'm still filling in the details here).

Ok, fine, he can't make you a rock star. But he can make you a rock star's girl. Which is better in many ways than being a rock star yourself, and you don't even have to pay/blow the strange toad monster ogre dude for the honor.

Then you find out you're Coldplay frontman Chris Martin's girl.

Ouch.

And there ain't enough poker faces in your arsenal to say with conviction time and again that you love your man and his music

No, seriously, Chris? OMG, Darling? You guys rocked tonight! Your new album is amaaaaazing, and honey, you sounded incrrrrrrediblllllle, and you are sooooooo hot! Seriously, the crowd went wild! God, you're amazing. You're sooooo talented and amazing, and you sooooo totally rock! I love you! Everyone loves you and your music! You're the best. You're amazing. I love you.*

...because you don't. And not only do you not love your man's music, you think it's the worst, worse than a pile of poo. And you think your now rocker-boyfriend man Chris Martin sings like a whining sack of doo and that his band sucks tremendous, big, bouncy balls. And simply hearing just a few seconds of one Coldplay song on the radio--even though it's a mind-boggling cash cow which is paying your ride through life--results in a skull-busting, emergency room-visit migraine every time.

Then what do you do?

Oh, life. How cruel and unfair it can be.

*good grief i just barfed a little burrito up there. did he notice? did you see that? i had total sweaty mouth. and the rocking that comes with the feeling that you have to puke and the dry heaving, drooling, wretching. holy crap. good god coldplay sucks so bad i want to die. seriously, somebody kill me

Make Mary a Pinup Girl

Mary in Florida ~March, 2009

Mary, Mary Quite Contrary!

Back in February, my pal Creepy was going through some tough times. Despite his circumstances, he decided to open his home to a senior dachshund named Mary suffering tough times herself and in desperate need of foster care. Neither of them knew they'd capture each others' hearts, and Creepy officially adopted Mary a few weeks ago. Now the sassy little broad's in competition to be a pinup in a calendar contest to benefit the Dachshund Rescue of South Florida. Each vote costs a bean, so I encourage you to vote as many times as you like, because no matter which woofer wins (though Mary currently holds the lead and is, in my opinion, is the cutest--will you deny those big brown eyes?), all of these bow-wow weiner dogs will benefit from your kindness.

Click here to cast your vote!

You Can't Fly with Canned Ham in Your Carry On, Yo

So don't even try it, pal. I witnessed a poor soul toss 5 of these in the bin this morning.

The Living Need Charity More Than the Dead. -George Arnold

Click here!

RIP, Karl Malden

Karl Malden was a Mr. Somebody.

Fire Island Bubble Parade at the Pines

This is hysterical. I can't stop looking at it. Click for more ridick. 

Blue Beak's twist on my twist on the Fire Island Pines, NY ~ June 16, 2009

Viva, you, Blue. 

Texting with Tuna the Fish

"Hey, you're cute! Mind if I pin all my hopes on you?"

-Tuna, July 2, 3:25 pm

A Parrot and a Cat: Ridiculous

Big Mama Thornton & John Lee Hooker: Fantastic

Grand finale harmonica-jam from 1965 featuring John Lee Hooker, Big Mama Thornton and an all-star cast trading solos on "Down Home Shakedown"

Two Weeks Until Mortified NYC: Get Your Teen Angst On

Mortified
Thursday, July 16, 2009 ~ 7:00 pm
at Le Poisson Rouge, New York, NY
Doors open at 6:30 PM, show begins at 7:00 PM.

$10 tickets on sale now ($15 day of show)

212-505-FISH

This edition of Mortifed NYC features mortifying teen crap from

Eliot Glazer, Raquel D'Apice, Sabrina DeJesus, Mary Beth Menna, Carrie Seim and more!

Come share the shame.

Mortified: Real Words. Real People. Real Pathetic.
Hailed a "cultural phenomenon" by Newsweek and celebrated by the likes of This American Life, The Today Show, The Onion AV Club, Esquire, Entertainment Weekly, Daily Candy, and more, Mortified is a comic excavation of teen angst artifacts (journals, letters, poems, lyrics, home movies, stories, and more) as shared by their original authors before total strangers. As the largest and longest running project of its kind, our grassroots comedy collective has spent years sifting through hundreds of otherwise forgotten notebooks on a mission to celebrate the extraordinary lives of ordinary people.---all in the noble pursuit of self-degradation--so come share the shame! Mortified is produced in NYC by Anne Altman and Julia Wright.

Today's Voice

www.villagevoice.com

Where am I Spending July 4? TubTown, Of Course!

TubTown. For Whipcreamy.

image from www.inthe80s.com

Rotten to the Core? You Think You're Better Than Me? Rather, Than I? You Just Might

Eric Clapton and His Band with Marcy Levy, The Core, Live '77

My Name is Doodle, I Like Friskies Meaty Bits: Chicken in Gravy, and That's What I Like

Why are we still discussing this? 

I'm about to be 56 years old, give me a 56-year-old break. 

I like my Friskies Meaty Bits: Chicken in Gravy, and that's what I like. 

What is your problem? 

I know I'm a cat; is there a way for me to say ,"GET IT TOGETHER, MAN, I'M NOT FUKIN AROUND!" more clearly? 

No?

Seriously? I will poop on your bed for the 4th of July.

 Try me.