1 in 4 read no books last year. Sounds about right.
Come on, people. Open a book and stick with it. Sure, the beginning's always a little rough going, but once you get over that--and the fact that people will see you reading a book and think you're a nerd--you'll surprise yourself with the stuff you'll learn and whatevers. For example, contrary to popular belief, you might be surpised to know that Jose Canseco didn't have sex with Madonna*, they just made out for awhile. Or you may find out that Jerry Garcia didn't lose his right middle finger in the war.** Nope, in fact, his brother lopped it off by accident with an axe when they were goofing around chopping wood.
*From "Juiced" by Jose Canseco
**From "Dark Star: An Oral Biography of Jerry Garcia" by Robert Greenfield
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
Got Tix?
"Hailed a 'cultural phenomenon' by Newsweek and celebrated for years by the likes of This American Life, The Today Show, The Onion AV Club, Esquire, Daily Candy, Jane, Entertainment Weekly, E!, Talk of the Nation and more, Mortified is a comic excavation of teen angst artifacts (journals, letters, poems, lyrics, home movies, stories and more) as shared by their original authors before total strangers. As the largest and longest-running project of its kind, our grassroots comedy collective has spent years sifting through hundreds of otherwise forgotten notebooks while paving the way for a strange new brand of entertainment.
Our stage show, Mortified Live, plays to nonstop packed houses in multiple cities (LA, NYC, San Fran, Boston, Chicago) fueled by intense word-of-mouth and a devoted fanbase. Our book, Mortified: Real Words, Real People, Real Pathetic is currently in stores."
Visit www.getmortified.com for more.
and last but not least:
Click here to reserve yourself a seat for Mortified's August 29th Show now! You don't want standing room only, you deserve an actual bonified chair-type structure for that arse of yours, don't you?
As incentive, I promise to share with you a little journal entry of mine that's sure to intrigue, as it reveals that Anne has always been, well, Anne.
Our stage show, Mortified Live, plays to nonstop packed houses in multiple cities (LA, NYC, San Fran, Boston, Chicago) fueled by intense word-of-mouth and a devoted fanbase. Our book, Mortified: Real Words, Real People, Real Pathetic is currently in stores."
Visit www.getmortified.com for more.
and last but not least:
Click here to reserve yourself a seat for Mortified's August 29th Show now! You don't want standing room only, you deserve an actual bonified chair-type structure for that arse of yours, don't you?
As incentive, I promise to share with you a little journal entry of mine that's sure to intrigue, as it reveals that Anne has always been, well, Anne.
Books I Read on My Vacation
- "Juiced" by Jose Canseco
- "Dark Star: An Oral Biography of Jerry Garcia" by Robert Greenfield
- "John Lennon: All I Want is the Truth" by Elizabeth Partridge
- "Another Bullshit Night in Suck City: A Memoir" by Nick Flynn
I highly recommend 2, 3, and 4. "Juiced" was a quick read, and not half bad, either. I learned that Mr. Canseco and I don't have a whole a lot in common other than perhaps loving baseball, fast cars and fast women.
Monday, August 20, 2007
Future Rapists of America
Yes, it should be criminal. Not that it would solve anything, as the prison system and therapy can't save these people from their twisted DNA, but at least these monsters will be called out sooner than later as they torture animals and molest people. Hell, if I had a nickel for each unwanted grab a poor girl in the history of the world has had to suffer by a boy, I'd be sitting on a pile of FU money encrusted in diamonds and it'd be pokin' me in the ass a thousand billion miles high times a million. Please. For a girl, the whole Sand in the Face in the Sandbox Experience in Junior High for a girl, at least this one, quickly turns into the
Testosterone. Good grief. With all the advances in techonology these days, do we really still need it? Really? I mean, other than hitting a lot of home runs and beating your wife and stuff.
- Having Your Cans Groped When You're at Your Locker in an "Innocent Shove"
- Enduring Spitballs the Size of Grapefruits Landing on Your Desk in Math Class for Your Attention
- Being Thrown off of the Dock on the first day of Sailing Class by Danny _______ (you know who you are)
- And all Because?
- Oh, he likes you!
- So said Brett, in a passed note to me in French Class one Monday. A note which I still have. I had a crush on Brett, afterall.
- Gross! Boys!
- Not Brett! He's not gross. He'd never do that.
- Oh, Brett. Where are you now?
Testosterone. Good grief. With all the advances in techonology these days, do we really still need it? Really? I mean, other than hitting a lot of home runs and beating your wife and stuff.
Vermont-a-Go-Go
Whew. So...here's some news, hot off the press:
I guess 8 p.m. is your return time to JFK when you take a non-stop, 45 minute 2:50 p.m. flight from Boston, folks. So...plan accordingly for the extra-special door-to-door Fun Time Charlie Experience.
Remember, we live in Suck World, and 45 minutes is now approximately 8 hours, so when your dentist says "Let's schedule a root canal for next week. It'll take less than an hour..." you know what you're dealing with. Talk to Doodle for cryin' out loud. Poor thing spent closer to ten hours in the car, in the airport, in the plane, in the shuttle bus to baggage claim, in the carry bus to Grand Central--all in a bag. I think her expressions here say it all, and this was in the beginning of the trip:
In short, our trip there and back was safe, and that's what is really important, but nonetheless, I'm not me if I'm not sharing with you my sweet, sweet, rage-filled sputum--this time on airline travel(specifically Jet Blue flights from JFK to Burlington, VT and Boston to JFK)--so get psyched for that crap, man. Get friggin' psyched.
Goodness! So much badness to blog about and so little time to be re-angered, right? Maybe for the sake of my sanity and yours, I'll post about Vermont Woofies first. Who doesn't want to see some Green Mountain Woofers? i LoVe doG aNd doG LoVeS mE!
*Not to be confused with Suck City
I guess 8 p.m. is your return time to JFK when you take a non-stop, 45 minute 2:50 p.m. flight from Boston, folks. So...plan accordingly for the extra-special door-to-door Fun Time Charlie Experience.
Remember, we live in Suck World, and 45 minutes is now approximately 8 hours, so when your dentist says "Let's schedule a root canal for next week. It'll take less than an hour..." you know what you're dealing with. Talk to Doodle for cryin' out loud. Poor thing spent closer to ten hours in the car, in the airport, in the plane, in the shuttle bus to baggage claim, in the carry bus to Grand Central--all in a bag. I think her expressions here say it all, and this was in the beginning of the trip:
In short, our trip there and back was safe, and that's what is really important, but nonetheless, I'm not me if I'm not sharing with you my sweet, sweet, rage-filled sputum--this time on airline travel(specifically Jet Blue flights from JFK to Burlington, VT and Boston to JFK)--so get psyched for that crap, man. Get friggin' psyched.
Goodness! So much badness to blog about and so little time to be re-angered, right? Maybe for the sake of my sanity and yours, I'll post about Vermont Woofies first. Who doesn't want to see some Green Mountain Woofers? i LoVe doG aNd doG LoVeS mE!
*Not to be confused with Suck City
Dunkin' Donuts in Massachusetts: Just Different
I just returned from a nice little walk along the Beverly shore to Dunkies (what Massholes call it) for a spot of coffee. The lines go slower here compared to NYC, as you'd imagine, but that's okay by me because I get to soak up the local color. The dude in front of me had a bunch of terrible homeade tattoos and a wicked lot of thick silver hoop piercings in his ears. He was with some broad in a wheelchair and was orderin' her a croissant.
"Plain? With nothin' on it? Ok."
(To the cashier): "I'd like one croissant, and a lahge iced vanilla coffee with 5 shoogiz and 5 creams."
"Plain? With nothin' on it? Ok."
(To the cashier): "I'd like one croissant, and a lahge iced vanilla coffee with 5 shoogiz and 5 creams."
3/4 of the Way Home
Hi, kids!
Much to Doodle's chagrin and mine, we're on the last leg of our Northeast Tour. We left the green mountains of Vermont behind us yesterday, and we'll be leaving the salt air and surf off the coast of Boston's North Shore this afternoon. The thick and gritty exhaust fumes from Lexington Avenue bumper-to-bumper traffic impatiently await our return! I can hear the honking now. OH, GO F*CK YOURSELVES!
Much to Doodle's chagrin and mine, we're on the last leg of our Northeast Tour. We left the green mountains of Vermont behind us yesterday, and we'll be leaving the salt air and surf off the coast of Boston's North Shore this afternoon. The thick and gritty exhaust fumes from Lexington Avenue bumper-to-bumper traffic impatiently await our return! I can hear the honking now. OH, GO F*CK YOURSELVES!
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
Vermont is Swell, Yo
Just thought you'd like to know. Words that come to mind:
- green
- lake
- clean
- beer
- watermelon
- grill
- swim
- bonfire
- cows
Words that come to mind for Doodle:
- green
- lake
- clean
- mice
- moles
- voles
- moths
- run
- taking a dump outside is really awesome
- cows
Saturday, August 11, 2007
Bye for Now, Meow
Anne driving the Traveler, VT ~ 8/06
I'm Vermont bound, yo.
With Doodle.
Toodles!
xo
Friday, August 10, 2007
Funtime Phrases That Make Me Want to Punch You in the Nutbag
It seems like just yesterday that we were blessed with the ubiquitous "Talk to the hand!" and "Don't even go there!" from just about everyone all the time. Man, were those fun quips, or what? Goodness gracious, yes they were. Everyone got a chance to be funny for once. But seemingly suddenly, those phrases were considered passe. And people like me, could relax a little bit. Until, that is, the new one arrived, a big favorite at the workplace, the hilarious, side-splitting, pants-pissing, zinger of all zingers, "Thanks for comin' in today!"
That one's great, right? I know! I love it! We all love it! Can't you tell how much I love it when I reply, "My pleasure! It's great to be here, asshole!"
Hey, curious though, what's it gonna take for that funtime phrase to go away, huh? Because if you say "Being the first in the office in the morning and the last to leave," not only is that the wrong answer, I'm going to punch you in the nutbag.
That one's great, right? I know! I love it! We all love it! Can't you tell how much I love it when I reply, "My pleasure! It's great to be here, asshole!"
Hey, curious though, what's it gonna take for that funtime phrase to go away, huh? Because if you say "Being the first in the office in the morning and the last to leave," not only is that the wrong answer, I'm going to punch you in the nutbag.
The Core
"The Core" is easily one of the best duets in your grill ever. Couldn't find the Eric Clapton single for you, but this ol' Plaid Iguana ain't doin' half bad on the cover. Plus, the bitch is blonde, she can sing, and she and likes to get her jam on. What more could you want, fellas?
Random Reasons Why Western New York State Rules
(do yourself a huge favor by clicking on this pic for maximum cuteness overload explosion head trauma)Cuba, NY ~ Weekend of August 3, 2007
Jarts and Farts: Both Fun And Bad At the Same Time
Anne suffering from multiple Jart wounds with Moot's Toot dockside,
Cuba Lake, NY~August 5, 2007
Nothin' like looking under the eaves of your old house and comin' across the set o' Jarts! 'Cause summer just ain't summer without a Jart in the thigh! Ahhh, the 1970's. When safety wasn't just gay, it was unheard of.
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