Thursday, May 13, 2010

I Once Had a Blog Now I've Got a Boy

John and Doodle, NYC ~ 4/8/2010

Landing on un-updated blog is as about as unappealing as pulling back the drapes to find a sticky grey hair ball glued halfway on the carpet/halfway on the hardwood, wouldn't you say?

I'm catching a few minutes here at 4:30 am while my two-month old son's Zantac kicks in. That's right, the kid's got reflux. We found out today at the pediatrician that this stuff is to be given prior to a feeding so John stops barfing up his dinner. I plopped him little green swing wrapped up like a burrito, his pie hole plugged with a pacifier, and he's making fussy, hungry I'm dissatisified with this fake boob which doesn't produce milk grunting noises.

Doodle's also making weird sounds. She has to take a dump, so she's running around the apartment crying. She knows where the toilet is, it's simply that she'd rather poop like the big cats in a pile of dirt--or Tidy Cat--which we don't have over here at Two Can Anne. So I'm shuuushing the boy, I'm shuuushing the cat...wait, okay, Doodle just flew out of the bathroom with a gutteral howl, she's officially finished with her business.

It's a pretty busy place around here this morning, aren't you glad you checked in?

We also learned at the doctor's that the rash on John's face which began as a few cute pimples and then traveled all over his head and upper torso is completely normal, just upsetting for first-time parents and innocent onlookers. Although there's a prescription for hydrocortisone and heavy moisturizing, allegedly it will just go away. Essentially, babies's systems are sensitive and wackadoo and they "just get stuff." Encouraging.

Having a kid is kind of like having a plant. And the name of the game is Keep It Alive. The difference is that your plant is wicked expensive, and when it gets aphids, and Miracle Grow doesn't work, you can't just throw it out for the trash man and buy a new one. So when your plant cries at 4 in the morning you can't ignore it; you have to change its diaper, grease it up with Desitin, olive oil and hydrocortisone, give it Zantac, walk it around, put it in a bouncer, put it in a swing, put a plug in it, play childish music to it, flash colorful toys in its face, and breastfeed it, supplementing with formula. Repeat every three hours.

And when you feel like hurling it out the window, you remember that you signed a paper in the hospital promising you wouldn't shake your plant. Plus, your plant just got a Social Security card in the mail so people might notice if you suddenly didn't have a plant anymore.

Ok, well it appears as if I've distracted my plant from breakfast long enough, so I must go. I've decided from now on seize the minutes in the wee hours of the morning waiting for John's Zantac to kick in--and Doodle to relieve herself--to blog. But there's so much to write about, and so little time. I need some structure, an assignment, so to speak, in order to make this work, so why don't we make the next few posts interactive? What else do you want to know about what's poppin' (or poopin') at Baby Barftown USA? Ask your questions the comments, and I'll try to find time to answer some of them.

Fisher price forever, yo.


Some Guy said...

I've heard somewhere that infants can be total crybabies about pretty much everything. Is this true?

anne altman said...

This is true, Chris. In FACT, I find myself asking him all the time, "Why you bein' such a baby?"

He wasn't acting like a baby this morning, however, when I took him out of the swing and found he had been snoozing in his own filth which had soaked through the onesie and into seat itself.

Considering I don't own a washing machine, that situation made me cry, not him.

alybeth72 said...

Ann, when my son was about 4 weeks old, he got that rash you mentioned. I panicked as well. They told me that is was just lovely baby acne and it would go away. It was NASTY. I was mortified to take pictures of him or let people see him cuz it just wasn't right. At about 3 months old or so, it cleared up and went away and he was gorgeous (THANK GOD). I was always worried it would stay.
LOVE hearing about your mommy adventures! Please keep them coming!

glittergirl said...

oh, i'm just happy to see you posting, and that baby is real pretty!

plot_thickens said...

I had a question, but then realized it might make you depressed. I like to read your blog, so no depressing comments. Instead, more pics please!

anne altman said...

Was your question: Do I have PPD? Probably. Ask away.

Just Dave said...

I raised three kiddos and I would have raised 4 if my ex-wife had not blocked me out. Your experiences are pretty typical, except for the Zanex, which was not invented then, and the toilet trained cat. Keep hanging in and you will get used to each other more and more.

DeeDoodle said...

G.E.R.D. says hi!

melissa smith said...

Hi Anne,
I haven't checked in in a while, and was alarmed and then relieved to hear about John's hospital episode. I'm very happy he is home and as healthy as he is cute.
I'd love to see the boy one of these days, maybe Erika and I could visit when you're up to it.
Congratulations, and I'm so happy for you, John is gorgeous and you're superMama!