My Dress Smells Like a Deep Fat Fryer Full of Vintage Grease

And it's still got the tags on it! Bought the cute turquoise cotton frock today at my favorite store on Nassau Street. When I pulled it out of the bag tonight and tried it on (I look CUTE!) I was hit in the face with the stench. Clearly the store must abut an exhaust fan from the restaurant next door and everything in the place is contaminated with the grease. It briefly occurred to me to take the dress back for a discount (hello, new economy, desperate measures) because it reeks but how would I prove it to the woman working there when she must smell exactly like the dress? "What are you talking about? I don't smell anything." 

There's a deli up the block that I only go to in extreme emergencies because it smells identically foully. In the 15 seconds it takes to purchase a Lotto ticket (Mega Millions is upwards of 200 million right now--one example of an emergency) you walk out of there stinkin' like a 14-year old mozzarella stick the rest of the goddamned day. Disgusting.

The point of this story: You can look cute in a new turquoise cotton frock even if it smells gross. Oh, and smells bother me. So if you're reading this, guy from the mailroom, please toss that uniform of yours in the laundry once a year. Your Pigpen cloud seriously makes me gag. It's so bad that I can tell when you've just re-stocked the pantry because it smells like a hamper. Then I've got to wait another fifteen minutes for the air to clear before I can pull myself together and return to make a cup of coffee. Thank you!

The Reason Behind the Chafing

You know that dress you wore to the party tonight, the one that you pulled out of the closet with the tags on it from two years ago, and it fit you by the grace of God, as it was the only thing in your wardrobe which wasn't in the hamper?



Well, this is why it was chafing you.

Ann Taylor Loft, huh? Oooh, fancy. And you didn't even get it on sale? What an asshole. Let me guess, you probably pay people to burp in your face, don't you?