Dying Young's No Good, But Growing Old is Tricky

I just returned from Walgreen's, and I still can smell the old lady perfume worn by an old lady I encountered as our carts intersected here and there during our respective shopping. I understand that sometimes as an old lady (or old man) you may smell like pee, (a tough scent for anyone to stomach) therefore, you powder up with a cologne. But is there a rule that after age 75 or whatever you're relegated to Eau de Old Lady and that's it? I'm not saying that every teen girls' favorite Love's Baby Soft would be appropriate, but maybe something a bit less pungent and stale? I don't know.

I solemnly swear to you, dear public, that if I make it to 75, I will not assault your noses with such revolting toiletry products. Or walk around with "old lady open mouth" catchin' flies and debris. I'm going to do my best, anyway. Whether it means I badger anyone willing to speak to me to give me a scent recommendation and/or use a few pieces of strategically placed tape on the old jaws to keep my pie hole shut. Whatever it takes.

I'm going to try, anyway.

More likely, I'll end up a diapered, wig wearin', muttering, smelly, old open-mouthed broad with lipstick on her teeth, but a girl can dream, right?

30 Days for 30 Minutes Challenge: Today's Results

I get an F for yesterday, no exercise to speak of. Do Kegels count?

It doesn't matter how much or how little you use it; you gotta keep your stuff tight, kids! Question: Is there such a thing as Kegels for the face? Because truthfully, one of my biggest, deepest, darkest fears about getting old isn't getting wrinkles: It's getting "Old Person Mouth." Otherwise known as "Old Man Mouth" or "Old Lady Mouth." Or the "Bug Zapper." I see it in the office, I see it on the subway, I see it on Broadway, and it's not a pretty sight; Old Person Mouth is downright disturbing. And if you're my friend, the very moment you see me shuffling around going about my business catching flies with my droopy lax jaw and my mouth agape, you will either:

1) Fund a small, non-invasive, cosmetic procedure that will fix my problem (which is, when you think about it, your problem actually, because you're the one who has to look at me).

2) Insist I'm only seen in public wearing a stylish hat/creepy bonnet/helmet with chinstrap

3) Drag me out into the street and shoot me right in ye olde wide-opene piehole.

Thank you all for your cooperation in advance.

Tonight, we Kegel AND snowboard!

Old People Love Grilled Cheese

Diner, Lexington Avenue at 33rd Street, NYC, 5/10/07