I Did it All with My Mouth

Whitest Kids U Know, "Fart"

What's Up, You Ask?

I'll tell you what's up, yo:

1. Mad Men, on AMC Tonight, August 24, @ 10 pm EST
2. MORTIFIED! @ Comix! Tomorrow, August 25, 8 pm! Amazing lineup of brave souls willing to share their teen angst with you. Share the Shame! A Time Out New York (TONY) ***Starred Pick!*** also in featured in New York Magazine this week! Get tickets now at www.comixny.com and/or check out www.getmortified.com for more information.
3. Meat and Potatoes @The Pit! Friday, August 29, 8 pm!

"America may run on Dunkin'... but when it finally stops to sit down for dinner, it eats Meat and Potatoes! Meat and Potatoes is a hilarious and cathartic new show that takes a look at blue-collar life from the other side. It features "big-city" comedians telling stories about their struggles growing up lower-middle class or even (gulp!) a foreigner. "

Join us for our next installment, featuring:

Kambri Crews (LoveDaddy.org)

Anthony Devito (FX's Rescue Me)

Jenny Rubin (WE TV's Cinematherapy)

Adam Wade (ESPN Classics Now)

Hosted by Shawn Hollenbach (Here TV's Busted) and Carolyn Castiglia (VH1)

Friday, August 29 @ 8 pm
The PIT
154 W. 29th Street
$8

More Evidence Doodle the Cat is Part Dog

Doodle: My muse. Talented feline photographer who is not only toilet trained but enjoys the occasional evening of catnip, lengthy game of fetch and/or staring contest.

Add: Lover of Amercian Beefhide Chicken Basted Rawhide for Dogs to the list. Tossed them into the basket at Walgreen's tonight on a lark, thinkin' she's the kind who'd dig that kind of shit. I was right.

Shameless Self Promotion Week Still Active

The Huffington Post reprinted my Business Week article. And some folks left some nice comments. Believe it. I will give up-to-the-minute Breaking News Buzz on Tips from a Bitter Temp throughout the next hour. Stay tuned*.


*Not really. I'd go to bed if I were you. At the end of the day, nothing that happens to me is likely to affect you, so live your life. Look after yourself. Remember, we all die alone with nothing. Have a nice night and sweet dreams.

A Few Things

If I'm "lucky" enough to become an old lady, there are a couple things I'd like to avoid.

1. Old lady feet


2. Old lady open-mouth face

This is also something I'd like to avoid at any age:

Saturday, August 16, 2008

Second Avenue at 34th Street

More About Me: My Article in Yahoo! News

Wow. Now that's news. Sure, I'm not credited for the piece, but Tips from a Bitter Temp is there nonetheless. Check it.

Help Front Page Films Win the Klondike Bar Video Contest

They've made it to the Final Four---if you like what you see here, vote, and you could win 25K!

www.frontpagefilms.com

After Woody Allen's Vicky Cristina Barcelona

Tuna and Me. Hat by Cha Cha's House of Ill Repute. Corpse Reviver Cocktails by Zach at Louis 6, 4 Terrible.

Which I found to be the most intelligent, delightful, sexy, funny and thought-provoking film I've seen in decades. That's right: I said decades. Go see it.

Anne's Legitimately Published! By Someone Else This Time!

Tips from a Bitter Temp
How to survive in a bureaucracy
written by Anne Altman for BusinessWeek

Illustration by Matthew Woodson, photograph by Dale May, makeup by Sarah Graalman


When I tell people I work at an insurance company, I feel I need to explain myself. Sure, I work in insurance, but I'm "in insurance" about as much as a Giants Stadium security guard is "in professional football." See, I'm a temp. An outsider. My industry? Survival.

I perform and write comedy, which in my case is not lucrative. So I temp and do my funny business on the side. Since moving to New York I've strung together about a dozen long-term temp gigs at big-time, fancy-pants companies. Now, a year after settling in, I still don't know a thing about insurance. But I know a whole lot about surviving in a bureaucracy. Here are five tips from a bitter temp:

1. RELISH THE COMFORT OF CORPORATE LARGESSE.
Two jobs ago I shared a conference table in a windowless room with 12 other people five days a week. My last gig was a step up: an office in the Empire State Building, a jewel of an historic building with climate control from another century. Imagine my delight when I arrived at my current job to find not only my own air-conditioned cubicle, desk, phone, computer, and Aeron (MLHR) chair, but a nearby pantry stocked with free coffee, milk, and cereal—including my guilty pleasure, Corn Pops (K).

2. LEARN THE JARGON, BUT USE IT CAREFULLY.
Each time I'm assigned to a new company, it's like moving to a new country. I've got to learn the local language. In my current office, the underwriters talk about "sublimits," "percentage deductibles," and "quota-share excess renewals." It's Greek to me. There's also an account service notification form, otherwise known as an ASNF. Say that one aloud and see if you don't laugh as hard as I did.

3. FOLLOW THE MANUAL, KEEP YOUR SENSE OF HUMOR.
Bureaucracies are big on protocol. There's a right way to do everything—like recording your voice mail message. My company manual suggests this: "Hello. This is Anne Altman. I am unavailable . Please leave a message and I'll return your call as soon as possible. Thanks and have a nice day." Here's what I'd really like to say: "Hi. This is Anne Altman and I'm screening your call. I will most likely reply to your voice mail with an e-mail so I don't have to speak with you. Buzz off."

4. DRINK THE KOOL-AID, JUST DON'T CHUG IT.
Bureaucracies are little subcultures that sometimes seem more like cults. Take sales meetings. They bear a cult's telltale signs: leader (an over-caffeinated VP of sales), mantra (Accelerate in 2008!), big production number ("The Future's So Bright, I Gotta Wear Shades"), and ritualistic insignia (logo-emblazoned totes). I sit in the back where nobody can catch me scrawling "KILL ME PLEASE" on my handout.

5. DON'T GET TOO COMFORTABLE.
Settle in. Master the language. Sip the Kool-Aid. But remember: You could be out on a moment's notice. I was once denied a dollar-an-hour raise. At first I was insulted. But the next week two execs were canned with no notice, led down the hall like criminals, and spirited out with a "We'll mail you the contents of your desk." Young guys right out of college were speechless. Me? I poured myself a bowl of Corn Pops and sat back down in my Aeron chair.

I've adapted so well to my new environment that my boss wants to offer me a job, make me legit: an underwriter. "So, Anne," he said. "Do you like insurance?" After some stalling I said: "Look, I don't understand this stuff, but I love the cereal here. I love the chairs. I really, really like a few of the people, and I'd like to stay. How can we make that happen? Could I have a demotion? Order staplers and stuff? That I know how to do."

Remember When Your Dad Caught You Smooching Your Prom Date on the Beach?

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Lord of the Flies on Caspian Lake

Caspian Lake, VT ~ 8/10/08

It's every kid for themselves; the grownups are busy drinkin' on the dock.

Doodle vs Small Flying Insect

Doodle, NYC

8/13/08

"Young man in dormitory room."

More baseball cards. Our cadet has calendars for 1910 and 1911 on the wall, and a crest for maybe a military school or service academy on the bed. National Photo Company Collection glass negative, Library of Congress. from shorpy.com

Someone's Dreaming of Wide Open Spaces in Which to Kill Stuff and Take a Piss and/or Dump

Doodle, NYC
August 12, 2008, high noon
After completing a commute which began in Vermont at 3 am.

The More the Merrier, I Always Say

Provided the more are indeed merrier. If they're lame, fuck it; I'd rather not. Thanks, anyway, though. We're good.

We Call This a New Car and You Call Those Hooters?

The only thing Hooter-sized about you is them zits, honey. Spend that settlement on that there Jessica Simpson's ProActiv Solution, okay, doll? There you go. Everything's gonna be alright. Except that you'll probably make that baby step into porn because Momma's boyfriend touched you. But, c'est la vie. Take care. Very burned, you are! Vroom vrooooooom! Vrooommmmmmm!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Doodle's Vermont Photography Project: Overwhelming Success

Doodle's Vermont Vacation requires a more detailed post, as it was an exercise in extreme emotions. However, all's well that ends well, and not only did we return with Doodle in tact (this was not a given--for 52 hours my heart was heavy with grief), we returned with Mr. Lee's Cat Cam in tact, and to boot: 191 amazing pictures taken by Doodle. Turns out she's an ace with a camera. Our many thanks go out to everyone who supported Doodle's Vermont Vacation and Photography Project, and it is my pleasure to dedicate the following to you:

Doodle's First Photo: Dawn in Greensboro, Vermont

Monday, August 4, 2008

Me and Whip Plowing Through the Powder

Salem Willows

Salem, Massachusetts

Spring 2006

I Don't Feel Like Talking About Manny Being Manny

They Don't Make Chic Couples Like This Anymore

Aunt Ann and Uncle John

Late 1950's