Bull Euthanizes Idiot in Pamplona

Congratulations, bull! Sure, you were only able to pick off one idiot in hundreds who traumatize you through the streets of Madrid before murdering you in a bullring tonight, but at least you got one. Viva, bull.

Larry David and the Bluetooth Talker

See, the thing is, I think I was way more tolerant about when I was doing my Qi Gong regularly, but these daysl this type of crap, this public cellphone conversation junk? It's completely pushing me over the edge. I, like Larry, don't tolerate it well. Instead of talking to an imaginary friend, I instead repeat out loud exactly what the offensive person says on their half of the call. It's good. 

"OMG, so my doctor? he totally told me that I might be hypoglycemic? I know! And I was like..." --skank

"OMG, so my doctor? he totally told me that I might by hypoglycemic? I know! And I was like..." --anne, repeating after skank

Years ago, I did this to 2 offensive folks seated near me on an Amtrak train from NYC to Boston. One dude stopped when he heard his own words subtly echoed. The other was too self important to notice how obnoxious he was, too wrapped up in how important he was and how thrilled he was to conduct his personal business on a public train. Mr. Self Important (a "big" Broadway composer type--generally known as a theater fenoik--shall remain nameless. Why? Because I'm kind, of course) left his cellphone number repeatedly while leaving voicemail messages for others. I heard that number no less than 20 times and it was seared in my memory enough to share it with my friends (I have a lot of friends). No doubt the nutsack was a little bewildered when he started receiving dozens of voicemail messages at all hours, from all sorts of random numbers, in totally random male and female voices, about

1)Mom's recent eyeball surgery---they did something to the cornea, the doctor says recovery should take about 3 weeks

2) The flowers that the brother supposedly sent Mom while she was in the hospital--did they arrive?
2) The brickwork that he and the boyfriend are replacing around the fireplace--it looks amazing, but there is an issue with how long the job is taking
3) The grey pinstripe suit that needs to be picked up by his assistant from Today's Man--was it picked up yet? It's been hemmed and it's ready...

but I guarantee you he was the only one who was bewildered. F that guy. Stupid jerk. 

When You Slip in a Slick of McDonald's Orange Drink Getting Off the Subway

Do NOT try to save your embarrassment and/or death by breaking your fall with the sole weight of your right hand middle finger. You'll sprain it and be prevented from flipping off the ahole who trampled you where you lie because he had his nose in The New York Times, his hand on his briefcase, and his head up his bing bang. 

 

PS Cleanup and/or Refreshments in the 33rd Street 6 Station

It's Not That You're Annoying...

It's just that...well, look.  I lied. You are. To other folks, let's say, your friends or your mother or your dog or whatever, you're probably fine. Probably. To me? You annoy me. You're nice, and you most definitely mean well, but it appears that save for you disappearing, you can't help but be annoying. And I, save for disappearing in turn, can't help but be annoyed. So it's not your fault, it's not mine. We just don't go together. It happens. And I try to remember this when the thoughts of knocking your block off/stabbing you in the neck with a plastic fork/and/or/both creep in. Which is anytime you're anywhere within 600 feet of me and talking. So although there's really nothing to worry about--as I am a lover and Ambassador of Peace--you might want to keep it in mind, you know? Just for whatevers.  Smooches!

Sometimes I Think This Horoscope Stuff is Horseshit, Seriously

"Pisces:

You’ll find that you have the opportunity to do something rather out of the ordinary at some point today, which will be a welcome break from the routine. Activities that bring you closer to the great outdoors will appeal: from ice-skating to paint-balling, you should embrace your adventurous side!"

Paint-balling. Paint-balling? Paint-balling! Please. I haven't been paint-balling in two weeks! Substitiute "riding the downtown local bus 25 blocks in 45 minutes with bluehairs and teenagers" is more like it. Totes the "welcome" break" from the routine I was searching for! And so refreshing, too! Like a slow, dry, greasy breeze. 

Newsflash: Smelly Skank is Stupid, So Is Boyfriend

"It was a shock for both of us, so unexpected," she said. "I was in complete and total shock and so was he."
-Jamie Lynn Spears

Dear Twats at the Nail Salon Yesterday

Thanks for ruining my salon experience with your selfish, entitled, idiotic drivel on your cellphones. I will not shed a tear--and I'm being sincere--if you get these tumors in your heads. Good luck and fuck off.

Love,

Anne

Bad Breath is Rough For Everyone

And apparently can cost you your job! In my opinion, there's no cure for halitosis, save for eliminating the public's ability to smell. Mints just make a victim's breath smell like peppermint poo poo.

Yesterday, a dude from the mailroom-- who simply asked me where another colleagues office was-- unfortunately burned my eyebrows off with his breath. Time to pencil those suckers in for awhile, I guess. Now I can look crazy surprised, mad, or confused with no effort at all and no wear n' tear on the ol' forehead.

People and Stuff That Sucked Today

1. My underwear which kept going up my fat can all day
2. My fat can which makes my underwear too small apparently
3. Burritoville's overrated Burrito Bowl
4. Finding out Adrienne Barbeau is not Bea Arthur's daughter after I told three people she was

People and Stuff That Sucked Today Part 1

1. The Director of Catered Events at City Crab--"Where the Customer is Always Wrong"
2. The NYC Subway system
3. The people who didn't let people off the subway before they got on
4. The gummy residue left behind when I peeled the fake Pashmina label off of my new fake Pashmina

*I'll elaborate when I cool down so as to smear this joint and its Director of Catered Events in a manner they so properly deserve. (Maybe. I might never cool down.) Let me just say this: A job in catering events implies that you'll be catering to people in some capacity, most likely events. If you're not into catering to people, perhaps catering (events or otherwise) is the wrong line of work for you. For example, if hundreds of people asked me on cramped airplane for a blanket, a beverage, or a snack, I'd say, "Get it yourself, fatass," which is just one of the reasons why I never attempted a career as a flight attendant. And that, my friends, is one of my most prideful achievements.

Know thyself.

Especially if you suck.

It makes you suck just a little less.