Key Lime Pie Martini Cocktail

I had a few of these delicious and refreshing girly cocktails last night, and I'd like to share the recipe with my dear, dear alcoholic readers. They're delicious because without the pineapple juice, they're tart and not too sweet. I liked it with a few extra squeezes of fresh lime.

1.5 ounces vanilla vodka
1.5 ounces coconut rum
.5 ounces lime juice
1 lime wedge
1 aluminum cocktail shaker
1 martini glass
optional: splash of pineapple juice, one crushed graham cracker (to rim martini glass)


Instructions:

• Fill martini glass with ice. Add water. Let the glass chill while you do the following:
• Pour the vanilla vodka, coconut rum (optional pineapple juice) and lime juice into the cocktail shaker and give it a few heavy handed shaky shaky shakes.
• Empty the ice and water from the martini glass and run the lime slice around the rim. Next, for optional effect: crush the graham cracker into fine crumbs, and rim the glass by spinning it 'round in a plate of the crumbs.
• Pour contents of the shaker into glass (without touching the sides and ruining your fine rim work). Slice lime wedge in the center and hang on edge of glass.
• Enjoy!

Phabulous Photo Phor Phriday!

One of Doodle's great great grand meows.

Audio Ostrich

Dear Fella Whom I am Crammed Up Against on This Jammed Subway Train,

Just because you're wearing your headphones and zoning out in your own musical world doesn't mean that I can't see you pick, roll, and flick that booger down on the subway floor near my feet.

Gross,

Anne

What a Wicked Good Cookie!!!

For realsies. Mmm. Order these for someone special in your life today. If that's not me, so be it.

Look Who Came to New Years Day Breakfast

New Year's Day 2008~ Bethany, CT

Name That Gathering

I Took a Life Today

That's right. I killed a fruit fly. On my desk. With a colleague's business card.

I actually thought about it first, it had flipped on it's back and was struggling for a second, so I had to work quickly. "Do I get this thing by smashing it, or do I let it survive and annoy me?" I asked myself.

I chose murder.

Kitty Wigs!!!!!!!!!

When I stop bleeding from trying to put Doodle's June look together in 2007 (above), I'm thinking about investing in Kitty Wigs! (below)

(Not before I invest in a little chain maille, however...)


Chicken. In pink.

Weird Wedding Photos Part MCLVVVMVM

Dear Newlywed Groom,

What makes you think your wife won't be faithful? I'm sure your marriage will be just fine. Love,
Anne

Someone at the Post Office Needs a Little Qi Gong, Yo

I walked into some sort of shitstorm last week at my local post office. It went something like this.



FADE IN

INT. POST OFFICE DAY

Anne walks up to the stamp machine and begins the exciting and antiquated process of buying stamps. Out of the corner of her eye she spies a late twenty something early thirty something dude with a large package which he is taping at the counter. A female postal employee has apparently just offered him some assistance.

DUDE: I SAID I DON'T NEED ANY HELP.



MS. POSTAL EMPLOYEE: Fine. (exasperated, walks away, shrugs shoulders and mumbles something to the effect of "Suit yourself, a-hole")



DUDE: (goes back to taping and leaves the main room of the post office for the vestibule where the self-serve Priority Mail Box bin is and tries to open the bin)



clank! clank! clank! clank! clank! clank! clank!



DUDE: (sigh)



CLANK CLANK CLANK CLANK CLANK CLANK!



DUDE: (louder sigh)



CLANK! CLANK! CLANK! CLANK! CLANK!



DUDE: (WICKED LOUD SIGH)



VOICE BEHIND POSTAL BIN INSIDE POST OFFICE: Yes?



DUDE: (through bin wall) Is this broken? I just used it a minute ago!



MS. POSTAL EMPLOYEE: Oh, that's the dude who just said he didn't need any help. (to Voice behind bin wall)



DUDE: Hello?



CLANK CLANK CLANK CLANK CLANK CLANK CLANK!



VOICE BEHIND POSTAL BIN INSIDE POST OFFICE: No, it's not broken. Stop touching it.



DUDE: Ok! I'm not touching it. (waits)



MS. POSTAL WORKER (to Voice Behind Bin Wall): Oh, yeah. Doesn't need any help, that one.



DUDE: ... (waiting for response and/or bin to open)



DUDE: ...(still waiting, with box balanced against knee and wall underneath the bin)



VOICE BEHIND BIN: ...



DUDE: (leaves).



MS. POSTAL WORKER: He left! (laughs to Voice Behind Bin). Didn't need any help.



ANNE: (laughs, collects $8 bucks worth of stamps --and $12 in dollar coins-- and leaves, satisfied that she wasn't the one pissing off a postal employee)



FADE OUT.

What's Up at Houseplant Picture Studio Today?

The usual fabulous mania, but today, a very special cover of Van Halen's Running with the Devil by an artist I can't seem to identify. Ken? It's always worth a click over at Houseplant. Volume up!

Blue Man Ooops

NOW:
Then:

Mmmmm. Silver cocktails.

Drink responsibly.

Happy Steven Seagal and Panda Monday, Y'all

Its Chili Season! An Altman Family Recipe

My sister Whipcreamy and I grew up on this chili, and love it to this day. Since we don't know which cookbook it originated from (we basically make it by heart these days), Mom Altman is getting credit here. I made a double batch using ground turkey this weekend and the double is perfect for sharing and/or freezing. Serves approximately twelve regular sized peeps, 6 super-sized fatty bumbalattys. For a single recipe, cut everything in half (math class comin' in handy, yo.) ok? Ok. Let's go.

Mom's Chili (Double Recipe)

• 2lbs ground beef or turkey (84% lean beef or 90% lean turkey)
• 2 cups chopped onion (more or less depending on taste, I like more)
• 1.5 cup chopped green peppers (or two large peppers---this is just a guide)
• 2 one lb cans whole tomatoes
• 2 one lb cans dark red kidney beans
• 2 eight oz cans tomato sauce
• 2 tsp salt
• 2 bay leaves
• 1/3 cup chili powder
• optional: 1/2 teaspoon sugar (to reduce the acidity of the tomatoes)
• optional: two fresh or jarred whole finely chopped jalepeno peppers (for spicy)

Directions:

Chop vegetables (not too small). Use a big skillet (or a few) to brown the meat with onions and green peppers. When it's lightly browned, transfer to large stew pot. Add remaining ingredients to the pot (first drain the beans of water) and crush the tomatoes with a wooden spoon to break 'em up. Simmer covered 1-2 hours. Serve with grated cheese and ground black pepper and a few more jalepenos (if you're not on Prilosec) and enjoy. Always seems better the second day.

Yay!

Hospitality Anne

From sans pantaloons.

Nothin' But Hospitality

Niagara Falls, NY ~ December 27, 2007

Save the Mortifying Date: February 11!

Mortified has its Comix debut!

Details to follow...

And Now For Martha Stewart Living's Most Requested Recipe

MACARONI & CHEESE 101

8 T (1 stick) unsalted butter, plus more for casserole

6 slices good white bread, crusts removed, torn into ¼ to ½-inch pieces

5½ C milk

½ C all-purpose flour

2 tsp salt, plus more for water

¼ tsp freshly grated nutmeg

¼ tsp freshly ground black pepper¼ tsp cayenne pepper

4½ C (about 18 oz) grated sharp white cheddar cheese

2 C (about 8 oz) grated Gruyère cheese or 1¼ C (about 5 oz) grated Pecorino Romano cheese

1 lb elbow macaroni

Preheat oven to 375°F. Butter a 3-quart casserole dish; set aside. Melt 2 T of butter and pour over bread in a medium bowl; toss. Set bread crumbs aside. Warm milk in saucepan over medium heat. Melt remaining butter in high-sided skillet over medium heat. When butter bubbles, add flour. Cook, stirring, 1 minute.

Whisk flour mixture constantly, while adding hot milk a little at a time. Continue cooking and whisking until mixture bubbles and thickens, 8 to 12 minutes. Remove pan from heat.
Stir in salt, nutmeg, peppers, 3 C cheddar cheese and 1½ C Gruyère cheese (or 1 C Pecorino Romano cheese). Set cheese sauce aside.

Cook macaroni in large pot of boiling salted water until outside of pasta is cooked and inside is underdone, 2 to 3 minutes. Drain macaroni under cold running water.
Stir macaroni into cheese sauce and pour mixture into buttered casserole dish. Sprinkle remaining cheeses and bread crumbs over top. Bake until golden, about 30 minutes.

Transfer disk to wire rack for 5 minutes Serves 12.

Note: For lots of crust, bake in a broad, shallow casserole dish. Recipe divides easily in half (use a 1½-quart casserole dish).

Source: Martha Stewart Living

New Year's Resolution Poem

Stop smoking and drinking and being a total lazy fatass jerk!

But guess what, yo?

Resolutions never work!

So, I've chosen another route in 2008.


And that route is Qi Gong with Qi Gong Master Lee Holden.










WTF??


What is Qi Gong and who the hell is Lee Holden, you ask?


I'll explain. Qi Gong is that crazy stuff you seeing groups of Asians doing in public spaces here in Manhattan and well, Asia, probably. To me it all looked like horseshit, so I was intrigued. Horseshit intrigues me. Then one day I was sitting on my sofa like a fatass, per usual, and spied a PBS special with a dorky guy doing Qi Gong and hocking his DVDs during a PBS membership drive. PBS intrigues me. So I got up off of the sofa and did a few moves with Lee and instantly felt better, totally buying into the hype and instead of calling the number right then and there, went online later to purchase his crap.

That was approximately two weeks ago, and ever since I've been doing Lee's Seven Minutes of Magic AM and PM exercises in the comfort of my own living room and digging it. You see, Qi Gong energizes and relaxes the body and mind at the same time.






Gay.


But I'm here, I'm queer, so get used to it!


I've found that Lee's got a point. You see, at the end of each 7 Minutes of Magic you do a little move called "Bamboo in the Wind" and you stand there like, well, a bamboo in the wind, and your eyes are closed and Lee asks you how you'd like your day to unfold. I usually don't think much past the subway ride, wishing that it goes smoothly and that I don't feel the urge to punch anyone in the beanbag (or as few people as possible), and I've gotta say, I've not wanted to punch people in the beanbag for two days. BELIEVE IT?





Changed woman? You decide.

Weird Wedding Photos Part MVMVCCCMVM

After the butterfly emerges from its chrysalis, it is expected to live about two days. Provided its not eaten by a spider, wasp, or bird, then it's one day. Bye!