Wednesday, July 08, 2009

An Open Letter to the Terrified, Balding Dudes o' the Land,

Dear Terrified, Balding Dudes o' the Land,

I watch a lot of televised sports without the benefit of DVR, so I endure endless commercials aimed at terrified balding dudes. Such as yourselves. I paid particularly close attention to the Bosley spots last night, and I'd like us to go over this new hair business together, shall we?

Logically speaking, if reversing baldness was possible, then the promise of hair re-growth certainly wouldn't be described as a "Hair Replacement System." Also, if hair replacement systems are so awesome, why are the commercials so vague and entirely devoid of details save for Before and After shots?

I'll tell you why:

Because whatever the heck it it's all about, it's going to be terrible. For you, for me, for everyone.

Look. A decent broad doesn't give a fat crap that you're balding because she's got bigger things to worry about, like whether or not you're a good person, or that you're employed. Or the fact that there's a Hair Replacement System on the market but no cure for cancer of the lady bits, PMS, or an easier way to grow another human being in / shoot one out of her body. Sure, nobody likes getting or appearing older, but it's a fact of life. So, you're going bald. Imagine if you were a baldish/balding/bald woman? You can't imagine it because you don't have to.

The simple truth is, Terrified Balding Dudes, your hair loss is the least of your problems, and I don't even know you.

So, save your money and dignity and just say no Bosley. Shave what you've got high, tight, and proud, boys! 

And let. It. Go.

Love you mean it call me,



Del-V said...

What about the not-so-obvious comb-over?

anne altman said...

it's obvious.

Mojito Libre said...

My wife doesn't like the fact that I'm going bald and has hinted at me checking out some of these hair "replacement" clinics. I'm a bit self-conscious, but I'll be damned if they're gonna shave my ass and glue the hair to my scalp. No thank you. Unfortunately, I'm doubly screwed as my skull is a bit on the ugly side. Oh well. I'll just invest in some cool Fedoras.

anne altman said...

you wish it was glue! it's screws. which are screwed into your head. show your wife the blueprints i've provided, your skull will look amazing in comparison to one with drill bit holes in it.

and get thyself some hats!