Peyton Manning and the Geico Lizard: Seperated at Birth?
Don't feel so bad for Tom, he's got more time to spend with Gisele now. Yay for him, boo for me.
Monday, January 22, 2007
The Patriots Clean Out Their Lockers
New England Haters sigh a sigh of relief, and Peyton Manning (aka Can Head, Alligator Arms, etc...) finally moves on to the Superbowl to play the Bears. Boo. Go Bears.
Peyton Manning and the Geico Lizard: Seperated at Birth?
Don't feel so bad for Tom, he's got more time to spend with Gisele now. Yay for him, boo for me.
Peyton Manning and the Geico Lizard: Seperated at Birth?
Don't feel so bad for Tom, he's got more time to spend with Gisele now. Yay for him, boo for me.
Saturday, January 20, 2007
Mamas & the Papas' Denny Doherty Dead at 66
This song, Creeque Alley, written by John Phillips, is about the genesis of The Mamas and the Papas, and a fitting tribute to the late Denny Doherty, I think.
(Denny's in the green shirt, second from the right) Michelle Phillips is now the sole surviving member of the band. Goodbye, Denny. You had an incredible voice, and you'll be missed.
Friday, January 19, 2007
My Boyfriend's Back And So Is My Blog
But neither is a sure thing, and everything is temporary. So let's celebrate, and Dance the Night Away with Van Halen, shall we? Happy Friday!
Haters Keep Their Publicists Busy These Days
Mel Gibson, Michael Richards, and now Isaiah Washington need their publicists more than ever. What happens though when the star talks shit about their publicist? Then what? Doodle called her publicist a "fat shit" this morning. I'm her publicist. Whatevs.
Anyway, for anyone who thinks that Grey's Anatomy's Isaiah Washington can't live his bad PR down, I've got two words for you:
.
.
.
MARV ALBERT.
Injecting Cooking Oil Into Your Buttocks: Not Good
Unless you're looking for an anti-living treatment, then it's highly recommended!
Thursday, January 18, 2007
Chubby Little Loser, Pathetic Little Fat Man
I saw this episode of Extras tonight (featuring David Bowie), and I laughed so hard I'm still choking on my galaktoboureko. Some of it definitely went down the wrong pipe.
#1 Reason Why The Kid Upstairs Seems Louder Than Ever
- He has a mustache
Guess I haven't seen him in the flesh in a long time. Apparently 4 year olds who jump off of the sofa grow into 14 year olds who jump off of the sofa.
Doodle Out of Rehab
"Fuck that place. It wasn't for me. I'm fine. Where's Obama? Let's get this party started already."
-Doodle
Doodle Speaks About Decision to Enter Rehab
"I decided it was time to take care of my personal health. Anne and I watch a lot of A&E's 'Intervention,' and well, I believe that demons, which I will not specify, have taken control of my life. In order for me to be well, I need to go away for awhile and work on myself. In other words: I can't run for President in '08 if I don't clean up my act. Please respect my need for privacy at this time and funnel all questions through my publicist. Thank you."
-Doodle
Doodle has also released a photo of herself from rehab itself (above). The facility remarkably resembles the top of the entertainment center, does it not? Incidentally, Mark Foley is rumored to be in the same institution. Hope she doesn't run into him in the cafeteria or anything. Let's all wish her a speedy recovery, shall we?
More Peeps Props
Carolyn Castiglia, everybody!
(
(Youtube was being a dipshit so I do believe in the near future that this will be posted twice, but..that's nice.)
More Fun Time Tales From a Nursing Home
One summer someone in the family purchased a bird feeder, and we brought it up to the home on a visit to Foxy one time, figuring it’d be something nice for all the residents to enjoy. While a few of us were hanging out with Foxy in his room, the rest were in the yard installing it. Perhaps the fluttering of birds around the feeder might distract the old folks gazing out the window from the cemetery directly across the street.
Anyway, at one point my sister and my cousin (who were about 5 and 6 respectively) were playing a game with Foxy called “Grab the Dollar.” It was a game that evolved out of his love for the almighty buck, combined with a way to strengthen his hand weakened from the stroke. I was in and out of the room, but I do remember Foxy started fidgeting in his chair (which now only had wheels on the back, having been removed months earlier after his “Looking Around” Expedition on the kitchen) and could not seem to get comfortable. He stopped the game, and kept fidgeting. It appeared as if he wanted out of the chair. The girls came to get me because they didn’t know what was wrong.
“You can’t get out, Foxy. I’m sorry.” I said.
“Move me!” he kept shouting. “Move me!”
“What? You want to be moved? You want me to get a nurse?” I asked.
“Move me! Move me!” More fidgeting side to side. “Move me!”
The nurse was down the hall, and I continued floundering on how to help him. Do you need to go to the john? Do you want to take a nap? Do you want to watch t.v.? The girls were panicking, because he was panicking, and getting more ornery by the minute until finally he shouted,
“Move me! Move me! I’m sittin’ on my balls!”
Anyway, at one point my sister and my cousin (who were about 5 and 6 respectively) were playing a game with Foxy called “Grab the Dollar.” It was a game that evolved out of his love for the almighty buck, combined with a way to strengthen his hand weakened from the stroke. I was in and out of the room, but I do remember Foxy started fidgeting in his chair (which now only had wheels on the back, having been removed months earlier after his “Looking Around” Expedition on the kitchen) and could not seem to get comfortable. He stopped the game, and kept fidgeting. It appeared as if he wanted out of the chair. The girls came to get me because they didn’t know what was wrong.
“You can’t get out, Foxy. I’m sorry.” I said.
“Move me!” he kept shouting. “Move me!”
“What? You want to be moved? You want me to get a nurse?” I asked.
“Move me! Move me!” More fidgeting side to side. “Move me!”
The nurse was down the hall, and I continued floundering on how to help him. Do you need to go to the john? Do you want to take a nap? Do you want to watch t.v.? The girls were panicking, because he was panicking, and getting more ornery by the minute until finally he shouted,
“Move me! Move me! I’m sittin’ on my balls!”
Nursing Homes and Dignity: Mutually Exclusive
Newbluebaby's post on Judy the Chimp reminded me of a story about my grandfather in the nursing home.
Foxy was in his eighties and had suffered a stroke the year or two before he went into the clink. It was sad. Initially, he hadn't displayed any signs of senility and was obviously upset about having to live there, but he had some health problems that required 24-hour care and were too much for my grandmother who was also in frail health. It was a small equipped facility with a good reputation and right in town, but it wasn't home. When we'd visit, he'd always ask when we were gonna break him out.
One time in the middle of the night, the nurses were doing their rounds and Foxy wasn't in his bed. They found him in the kitchen, sitting in his wheelchair, arms upstretched and rummaging in the cabinets.
"I'm just lookin' around!" he announced.
Then they took the wheels off his chair.
Foxy was in his eighties and had suffered a stroke the year or two before he went into the clink. It was sad. Initially, he hadn't displayed any signs of senility and was obviously upset about having to live there, but he had some health problems that required 24-hour care and were too much for my grandmother who was also in frail health. It was a small equipped facility with a good reputation and right in town, but it wasn't home. When we'd visit, he'd always ask when we were gonna break him out.
One time in the middle of the night, the nurses were doing their rounds and Foxy wasn't in his bed. They found him in the kitchen, sitting in his wheelchair, arms upstretched and rummaging in the cabinets.
"I'm just lookin' around!" he announced.
Then they took the wheels off his chair.
Yaw A Biggah Fan Than I
I met a fellow Masshole on Saturday night. Naturally, our conversation led to the Red Sox and how much we love them. Since we live in NYC and we don't have NESN (the New England Sports Network) our access to televised games is limited to the Sox playing local teams and thus, are quite precious. Here is our conversation, and I think you'll agree that it proves he is a biggah fan than I (in proper Masshole accent):
"Yah! I love the Sawx! I cut a hole in my showah curtain!"
"What?"
"Yah! So I can watch the games when I showah! Right heeeyah! (demonstrates) I gut a little t.v. on my shelf in theyah! And when my mutha came to town she was like, 'You need another showah curtain thayaz a hole in this one!' and I was like, 'No, Ma! I cut it on purrpiss!"
Biggah. Fan. Than. I.
Art Buchwald Dead at 81
The "Wit of Washington" is gone. He even found time to write a funny book dying while he was dying. RIP, Art. You'll be missed! He even filmed his own Internet Obituary which is on The New York Times website today, and it begins: "Hello, I'm Art Buchwald, and I just died."
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
Bonne Bell Watermelon Lip Smacker: Thumbs Up
When I was in Junior High, you didn't leave your house without a Bonne Bell Lip Smacker or two in your Le Sportsac. I remember that the jumbo-sized red flavor was quite the thing. The jumbo size? Really obnoxious. Did anyone ever "finish" one of those things before they got all gross and slimy or stale and you threw it out? Probably. It was Junior High. Lots of re-applications. These days I'm lucky to brush my hair before I go to work, and back then I was "naked" unless the face was painted a la Drag Queen.
At any rate, Whip got me this nice little number in my stocking this year. I recommend it. It's not too watermelony, shiny not waxy. I seem to do a lot of unnecessary, nervous lip licking these days which in this chilly weather leads to an uncomfortable and raw (and sometimes chapping) situation. Splurge n' get yourself one. MAC be damned. Sportsacs are back too, you know. Members Only jackets and Capezios? Right around the corner.
Clam Recipe of the Day: Clam Dip
Clam DipIngredients:
1 1/2 cups minced Clams
8 oz Cream Cheese, thinned slightly with milk or lemon juice
1/2 pint Cottage Cheese
1 grated Onion
Garlic Salt, to taste
Dash of Worcestershire Sauce
Directions:
In large mixing bowl, blend all ingredients well. Chill in refrigerator and serve in a stylish container with assorted chips or raw vegetables. Remember: Stylish container. Makes all the difference.
Check Your Mailboxes
Valpak coupons are here! Valpak coupons are here! Valpak coupons are here! Valpak! Here!
No better way to save money than to buy crap or services you wouldn't use unless you were presented with a coupon for it in your mailbox! Get ready for savings!!!
A friend of mine once used a Valpak coupon for repair of his air conditioner. Instead of replacing his behemoth 1978 version for a $199 more energy efficient model, he ended up spending $299 on the "repair" and then another $50 for extra filters. Savings!!!
Restless Leg Syndrome
Restless Leg Syndrome: I don't buy it.
I don't care if they have their own organization, I still don't buy it.
Until I get Restless Leg Syndrome, that is. Then I'll buy it.
But now? Nah. Fake.
I don't care if they have their own organization, I still don't buy it.
Until I get Restless Leg Syndrome, that is. Then I'll buy it.
But now? Nah. Fake.
A Musical You Won't Suffer Through
Screw The Producers, screw The Lion King, screw Tommy, 42nd Street and Chicago:
EVIL DEAD: THE MUSICAL is by far, the best musical, Broadway or off, that I have ever seen.
I'm serious. I went last night, and I can't say enough good things about this show. No sleeping, no yawning, no rolling your eyes, no boredom. The script is excellent (based on the movie) and very funny. The acting, singing, and dancing is all fantastic, AND most importantly, the special effects are clever (way better than the movie) and include gallons and gallons of --supposedly washable-- "blood." With song titles like "What the Fuck Was That?" and "All The Men in My Life Keep Getting Killed By Candarian Demons" you can't have anything but a wonderful time. I did.
"Evil Dead: The Musical, a ‘dis-arm-ingly’ riotous musical comedy based on Sam Raimi’s 80s cult-classic horror films, unearths the old familiar story: boy and his friends take a weekend getaway at abandoned cabin, boy expects to get lucky, boy unleashes ancient evil spirit, friends turn into Candarian Demons, boy fights until dawn to survive. As musical mayhem descends upon this sleepover in the woods, “camp” takes on a whole new meaning in uproarious numbers like “All the Men in my Life Keep Getting Killed by Candarian Demons,” “Look Who’s Evil Now” and “Do the Necronomicon.” Buzzing chainsaws and dancing demons add to the frenzy, slaying audiences with this tale of lust, love and dismemberment."
Get tickets while you can! And remember, the first three rows are The Splatter Zone, so dress accordingly!
EVIL DEAD: THE MUSICAL is by far, the best musical, Broadway or off, that I have ever seen.
I'm serious. I went last night, and I can't say enough good things about this show. No sleeping, no yawning, no rolling your eyes, no boredom. The script is excellent (based on the movie) and very funny. The acting, singing, and dancing is all fantastic, AND most importantly, the special effects are clever (way better than the movie) and include gallons and gallons of --supposedly washable-- "blood." With song titles like "What the Fuck Was That?" and "All The Men in My Life Keep Getting Killed By Candarian Demons" you can't have anything but a wonderful time. I did.
"Evil Dead: The Musical, a ‘dis-arm-ingly’ riotous musical comedy based on Sam Raimi’s 80s cult-classic horror films, unearths the old familiar story: boy and his friends take a weekend getaway at abandoned cabin, boy expects to get lucky, boy unleashes ancient evil spirit, friends turn into Candarian Demons, boy fights until dawn to survive. As musical mayhem descends upon this sleepover in the woods, “camp” takes on a whole new meaning in uproarious numbers like “All the Men in my Life Keep Getting Killed by Candarian Demons,” “Look Who’s Evil Now” and “Do the Necronomicon.” Buzzing chainsaws and dancing demons add to the frenzy, slaying audiences with this tale of lust, love and dismemberment."
Get tickets while you can! And remember, the first three rows are The Splatter Zone, so dress accordingly!
Giada, Giada, Giada
Dear Men In My Life Who Are Obsessed With Giada De Laurentis:
Does she have huge distracting cans? Yes.
Does she make gross sexy annoying mouth noises when she’s perkily chopping/tasting/slow roasting/shopping for food? Yes.
Since you can’t get enough of her, Doodle wants to enlighten you with a detail you may have overlooked: If Giada spends that much time preparing, eating and enjoying all those meals, (while making all of those annoying mouth noises) then Giada spends a lot of time in the john taking huge dumps.
Shut up already with all the drooling and the oogling and the “Giada Giada Giada” and the face an inch from the television when her shows are on the Food Network, all under the guise of learning new recipes. Ok? I mean, please. You don't even cook. Standing in front of the refrigerator in your boxers stuffing a rolled up piece of turkey and slice of cheese in your mouth does not justify you spending hours a week watching a show about preparing meals.
Is she hot? Yes.
Is she hot? Yes.
Does she have huge distracting cans? Yes.
Does she make gross sexy annoying mouth noises when she’s perkily chopping/tasting/slow roasting/shopping for food? Yes.
Since you can’t get enough of her, Doodle wants to enlighten you with a detail you may have overlooked: If Giada spends that much time preparing, eating and enjoying all those meals, (while making all of those annoying mouth noises) then Giada spends a lot of time in the john taking huge dumps.
So, why don’t you chew on that for awhile, huh, fellas? Great. Thanks. Bye.
Three Words Which I Find Irritating
- crust
- cluster
- crunchy
Bleeeccchh. It's safe to say that I won't be hosting my own cooking show anytime soon.
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
Naomi Campbell Sentenced To Community Service
She's lucky the judge let her do community service over the other punishment option: Cleaning. The last time she was in court her lawyer was quoted as saying, "Cleaning is not Ms. Campbell's style."
You think?
You think?
Monday, January 15, 2007
Martin Luther King, Jr. Day
Martin Luther King, Jr. was a brilliant speaker, fearless American civil rights leader, and tireless peace activist. Then some idiot had to cut his life short.Why do idiot assassins always kill geniuses? Why can't they kill other idiots? I'm all for idiot population control. When my sister was in elementary school, her chorus sang 1989's "We Didn't Start the Fire" by Billy Joel (sure, it's a clever musical history lesson, but get that song stuck in your head once and you'll curse Mr. Joel forever) and some of the lyrics were changed to make it more "politically correct," but they just ended up cracking me up. Instead of "JFK blown away" it was "JFK shot one day" and instead of "AIDS, Crack, Bernie Goetz" the line was changed to "AIDS, and Bernie Goetz" so, you can see, big difference there. AIDS is ok to talk about but crack, well, crack is wack, yo.
What was my point here? Oh, yes. That good people get snuffed out sometimes, in the prime of their lives, and it's lame. MLK Jr. helped build a bridge over America's racial divide in ways we haven't seen since. Very slowly but surely we're inching our way to a "colorless" society. I'd say everything will be fine in about 1,000 years give or take. Here's a nice story about an African American couple who celebrated their 60th wedding anniversary (60!!!) at a Buffalo Sabres game-- on purpose! Hockey: It's not just for white males with mullets anymore.
Sunday, January 14, 2007
Tom Brady, Will You Marry Me?
Patriots beat the Chargers, 24-21 in a serious friggin' nailbiter! Man, oh, man. And the Bears beat Hasselbeck's Seahawks, thankfully (I hate his stupid wife*) in another intense matchup earlier in the day which ended with a 49-yard field goal in OT by a rookie. I don't play football, I only watch it, and I'm goddamned exhausted! Now Tom Brady, my fiancee, will play Peyton Manning, aka "Can Head" next weekend. Tom, do your stuff like you always do. Remember, you're a 3x Superbowl Winner, and Can Head only dominates television commercials. Oh, and the Saints beat up the Eagles on Saturday night. Ahem.
*I stand corrected by Jen (Casual Slack) that it's his sister-in-law I hate. Well, close enough.
Some Guy Asks You Questions and You Answer Them
I'm a celebrity on And Some Guy's Blog. Chris has a new feature called "Some Guy Asks You Questions and You Answer Them" where he like, asks you questions and stuff, and I was like, his first interview. Check it! I like totally interview much better online than I do like in real life; if I didn't like know me better, I'd say I seem like a pretty likeable person, like.
Doodle Looks Down on You
But she looks down on me too, so don't sweat it. Doodle really thinks she's so great. You know, a she's got a huge superiority complex. At least one of us has one.
Doodle, 1/14/07
Saturday, January 13, 2007
Hercules! Hercules!
You want to know what Doodle would look like with 15+ more pounds on her? Adorable! Check it. Watch the video; Hercules can jump!
Friday, January 12, 2007
Star in Your Own Levis Commercial
And promote corporate consumer crap for no pay! Come on, it's fun! My commercial is below. Some people don't realize that's my face pasted on the broad's body, because it's so much better than the original broad's face, but...whatevs.
*(if the video doesn't load, try a click here)
*(if the video doesn't load, try a click here)
Did Someone Say "Lame Photo for Friday, Please?"
I hope I indulged your thirst for lameness adequately. TGIF!
Kick Ass Broad of the Week: Marlene Dietrich
1901-1992Marlene Dietrich kicked ass. A few reasons why I think so:
- She drew power from her sexy androgynous wardrobe. Her philsophy: When you put on men's clothing, you also put on their privileges.
- She refused to work for the (German) film industry under Hitler, refused the Fuhrer himself when a Nazi officer made sexual requests on his behalf, and became the first woman to earn the Medal of Freedom for 3 years of tireless work in the USO during WWII.
- Marlene once declined an offer to meet Princess Margaret of England with "I'm a Queen. I should stay up for a Princess?"
I Love Dr. Bronner's Soap
Dr. Bronner's soap is great because it's made with organic oils which leave you fresh and clean and moisturized without all the heavy perfumes of phony ocean breezes and baloney Irish springs. Trust me, I've been to Ireland two times. There is no spring in the whole damn place that smells like Irish Spring. Or baloney.
Dr. Bronner's liquid soaps come in Peppermint, Lavender, Tea Tree Oil, Eucalyptus, Baby Mild, and my favorite, Almond. I know dudes tend to prefer bar soap, but liquid soap is way less messy. Dudes either aren't bothered by soap scum or don't clean their own showers. That said, Dr. Bronner's makes a bar version as well and it comes in those flavors as well as Lemon and Rose. I'd post a picture of the soap here, but Blogger is being a bugger right now.
Sure, the late Dr. Bronner was a bit of a strange dude, but that's why I like him. Here's his deal (which I pulled off the website):
Story
Dr. E.H. Bronner 1908 -1997
A Life Dedicated to God, Mankind and Spaceship Earth
Emanuel Bronner was a third generation master soap-maker from an orthodox Jewish family in Heilbron, Germany, where he was certified as a master soap-maker under the rigorous guild system of the time. He was the heir to the family's soap factory and business, but rebelled against his father and came to the United States in the late 1920's. After the Nazis nationalized the soap factory in 1938, his parents and most of his family died in the Holocaust.
Dr. Bronner initially worked as a consultant to various soap companies in the U.S. However, most such companies were converting to the complicated synthetic surfactant formulations that comprise modern body care products, so he struck out on his own in the late 40's. His ecological castile soaps and message of peace resonated powerfully with the counter-culture of the 60's and 70's, and he became an icon of the time.
Dr. Bronner's essential vision and philosophy were born out of the fate of his family and the Holocaust, and are emphatic that we are all children of the same divine source: people must realize that we are "All-One!," and that the prophets and spiritual giants of the world's various faith traditions all realized and said this. Dr. Bronner was also grounded in a powerful ecological consciousness, and the soaps were an extension of this simple, natural and 100% environment-friendly.
Dr. Bronner passed away peacefully on March 7, 1997, amidst family and friends. While we disagree with Dr. Bronner on some idiosyncrasies in his philosophy, we revere him for his efforts to unite humanity and his exhortations to lead a more responsible life in respect to our environment and each other. We continue to make with care and integrity the fine ecological soaps our customers have loved and lathered with for 50 years, and we now make our soaps with all certified organic oils, certified under the USDA’s National Organic Program. We share our time, profits and energy with our workers and worthwhile causes worldwide.
Love in All-One, The Bronner Family
Dr. Bronner's used to be carried only in specialty old-timey style drug stores but now you can find his stuff pretty much everywhere and of course, online here. The large bottle (what I buy) lasts a wicked long time. Happy suds-ing!
Dr. Bronner's liquid soaps come in Peppermint, Lavender, Tea Tree Oil, Eucalyptus, Baby Mild, and my favorite, Almond. I know dudes tend to prefer bar soap, but liquid soap is way less messy. Dudes either aren't bothered by soap scum or don't clean their own showers. That said, Dr. Bronner's makes a bar version as well and it comes in those flavors as well as Lemon and Rose. I'd post a picture of the soap here, but Blogger is being a bugger right now.
Sure, the late Dr. Bronner was a bit of a strange dude, but that's why I like him. Here's his deal (which I pulled off the website):
Story
Dr. E.H. Bronner 1908 -1997
A Life Dedicated to God, Mankind and Spaceship Earth
Emanuel Bronner was a third generation master soap-maker from an orthodox Jewish family in Heilbron, Germany, where he was certified as a master soap-maker under the rigorous guild system of the time. He was the heir to the family's soap factory and business, but rebelled against his father and came to the United States in the late 1920's. After the Nazis nationalized the soap factory in 1938, his parents and most of his family died in the Holocaust.
Dr. Bronner initially worked as a consultant to various soap companies in the U.S. However, most such companies were converting to the complicated synthetic surfactant formulations that comprise modern body care products, so he struck out on his own in the late 40's. His ecological castile soaps and message of peace resonated powerfully with the counter-culture of the 60's and 70's, and he became an icon of the time.
Dr. Bronner's essential vision and philosophy were born out of the fate of his family and the Holocaust, and are emphatic that we are all children of the same divine source: people must realize that we are "All-One!," and that the prophets and spiritual giants of the world's various faith traditions all realized and said this. Dr. Bronner was also grounded in a powerful ecological consciousness, and the soaps were an extension of this simple, natural and 100% environment-friendly.
Dr. Bronner passed away peacefully on March 7, 1997, amidst family and friends. While we disagree with Dr. Bronner on some idiosyncrasies in his philosophy, we revere him for his efforts to unite humanity and his exhortations to lead a more responsible life in respect to our environment and each other. We continue to make with care and integrity the fine ecological soaps our customers have loved and lathered with for 50 years, and we now make our soaps with all certified organic oils, certified under the USDA’s National Organic Program. We share our time, profits and energy with our workers and worthwhile causes worldwide.
Love in All-One, The Bronner Family
Dr. Bronner's used to be carried only in specialty old-timey style drug stores but now you can find his stuff pretty much everywhere and of course, online here. The large bottle (what I buy) lasts a wicked long time. Happy suds-ing!
It's a Fact, Jack
I have seen two women with sporting surgical face lifts in the past two days. (One on Antiques Roadshow Hawaii, and the other in lobby of my office building).
Quiz:
A poorly done facelift that stretches the skin tautly across the skull like the hide of a gazelle on a drum is more unfortunate for:
Quiz:
A poorly done facelift that stretches the skin tautly across the skull like the hide of a gazelle on a drum is more unfortunate for:
- The patient
- The public
Thursday, January 11, 2007
Jimmy and Doodle Say Woof/Meow To Your Statistic
Will Jimmy make you fat? Yes. Will Doodle make you fat? Yes. Is that bad news? Maybe.
But the good news is that other studies confirm that pets are therapeutic so...sure, you're fat, BUT, you have Jimmy/Doodle. Ergo, you are happy.
Let me write out the equation for you:
But the good news is that other studies confirm that pets are therapeutic so...sure, you're fat, BUT, you have Jimmy/Doodle. Ergo, you are happy.
Let me write out the equation for you:
Jimmy/Doodle + You=Fat+happy.
A much better statistic than:
Jimmy x 0 + Doodle x 0 + You= Skinny + sad.
Get it?
Oh, good. I get it too, so I guess that means I'm a good math teacher, and that's amazing, because let me tell you something, I've always been terrible at math. Which is why I'm not a banker, which is why I'm broke as a joke on coke. So, in other words, I suck.
Let's have another look at Jimmy, shall we? Jimmy likes laces. Jimmy likes to shake hands.
Okay, okay, and we'll throw a picture of Doodle in here just so she doesn't get an additional complex to complicate my life:
Awwww. Thumbs up to pets and the inevitable obesity they bring. :) Buy velcro sneakers now, and prepare for the expansion.
Nobody Can Argue With This Fact
Violence solves problems, particularly the punching variety of violence.
Warning: Contains violence, punching, and problem solving.
Warning: Contains violence, punching, and problem solving.
Get Ready To Be Blinded By the Cute
Jimmy? Meet the people.
People? Meet Jimmy!
People? Meet Jimmy!
Man, oh, man, oh, man! If you, like I, did not get a new puppy for Christmas like my friend Andrew did, then I feel sorry for you, and me, but we can take solace in these pictures.
But now I fear I looked too long at them.....I'm going blind...losing the vision from the cute...can't type well...gtta go now.f...sdfjoasidfapsdoifawf sfsl flskdfjso-w0iwe-rr................
Gimme Some Honey, Honey
Honeybells! Who likes these?
Oh, that's right, I do! Doodle doesn't care much for citrus. Unless it's covered in a thick beef gravy, she can't be bothered. In fact, she'll scrunch up her face when I put anything citrus within her sniffing range and then she'll run away. So that's fun.
If you like honeybells too, order them here! What a great way to erase the winter blahs! Though with weather this mild, we could grow oranges in Central Park these days, but whatevs. It did snow for six minutes yesterday in midtown. Then the squall gave way to bright sunshine.
Did you know that climate change is killing off the world's frog population? I didn't either, until I saw a show on it last night. I watched a show on dead frogs, and an A&E On-Demand program about a preacher who killed his wife to be with his 25 year old girlfriend, all so I could avoid that jackass on t.v. delivering his new plan of attack in his new country Iraq. I much prefer shows already dead people and animals to the news about soon to be dead people and animals. The past is a pleasant diversion.
Hey, wait a minute. Wasn't I talking about honeybells?
Yes, yes, I was.
Mmmm. Honeybells.
Doodle: Mmmm. Dead frogs.
I Blew the Chance of a Lifetime Over 4 Lousy Cents
Why are you not reading the text written by an "I Could Already Have Won a Million Dollars" millionaire right now?
BECAUSE I PUT OLD 37 CENT FRIGGIN' STAMPS ON MY PUBLISHER'S CLEARING HOUSE ENTRIES AND DIDN'T REALIZE IT!!!
Will the two entries be mailed back of me for lack of proper postage? NO! You know there ain't return addresses on crap like that!
Man. What my life could have been.
People, learn from my mistakes. IF YOU HAVE STAMPS WITH A WHITE CRAZY WATER FOUL TYPE BIRD ON THEM BEWARE: They are only 37 cents. Don't be a pathetic statistic and cement yourself on the wrong side of the widening chasm between rich and poor like I did.
BECAUSE I PUT OLD 37 CENT FRIGGIN' STAMPS ON MY PUBLISHER'S CLEARING HOUSE ENTRIES AND DIDN'T REALIZE IT!!!
Will the two entries be mailed back of me for lack of proper postage? NO! You know there ain't return addresses on crap like that!
Man. What my life could have been.
People, learn from my mistakes. IF YOU HAVE STAMPS WITH A WHITE CRAZY WATER FOUL TYPE BIRD ON THEM BEWARE: They are only 37 cents. Don't be a pathetic statistic and cement yourself on the wrong side of the widening chasm between rich and poor like I did.
Bleed Out of the Kindness of Your Heart, Please
Alright, you New Yorkers with big, thick juicy veins: Donate some damn blood already. The city supply is at a record low. I'd make a donation attempt, but we all know what happened when I tried last year, and if you don't know, let's put it this way: Afterward, was given some cookies, a glass of juice, and a pamphlet on bruising.
10 New York City Fun Facts
- Alexander Hamilton, genius, is buried New York City's Trinity Church cemetery.
- Most Popular Baby Names in NYC Girls: 1898: Mary / 1948: Linda / 1998: Ashley
Boys: 1898: John / 1948: Robert / 1998: Michael - New York City's first theater was on Beaver Street.
- Bowling Green is NYC's oldest park.
- Phillippe Petit walked a tightrope between the rooftops of the World Trade Center towers in 1974.
- As late as the 1840s, thousands of pigs roamed Wall Street to consume garbage, an early sanitation system
- In 1664, the city's tallest structure was a 2-story windmill.
- The Bronx was settled in 1639 and is named for the Swedish settler Jonas Bronck.
- John Hertz, who founded the Yellow Cab Company in 1907, chose yellow because he had read a study conducted by the University of Chicago that indicated it was the easiest color to spot.
- Opened in 1633 in the Market Field, which is now the financial district, was the first public brewery in America. Colonists loved their beer and often had a mug with their breakfast.
*Fun facts from NYCvisit.com
Duke and Julia
Doodle doesn't care much for dogs or kids*, and even she can't handle the cute here.
*though she is a fan of the adult Julia because there is food and attention involved
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
The Truth About Barney Miller and Me
1) I had a crush on Barney Miller
2) I could play the theme song just using only the black keys on the piano when I was a kid and played it when I was supposed to be practicing real stuff
4) I played piano for ten years but quit to focus on my basketball career
5) The show made me want to be a cop
6) I never did become a cop
7) Or a basketball player
8) I watch Cops regularly
9) I rarely watch basketball anymore
10) My dad had a Barney Miller mustache for awhile and when he shaved it off my sister cried because she didn't recognize him and didn't think he owned a top lip.
1) I had a crush on Barney Miller
2) I could play the theme song just using only the black keys on the piano when I was a kid and played it when I was supposed to be practicing real stuff
4) I played piano for ten years but quit to focus on my basketball career
5) The show made me want to be a cop
6) I never did become a cop
7) Or a basketball player
8) I watch Cops regularly
9) I rarely watch basketball anymore
10) My dad had a Barney Miller mustache for awhile and when he shaved it off my sister cried because she didn't recognize him and didn't think he owned a top lip.
Just One of the Reasons I'm Sick
I am remarkably and terrifyingly observant of people's faces and body language. Sometimes to an incapacitating degree. This commercial starring the New York Giants' Michael Strahan and Subway's Jared Fogel is just one tiny example of this "gift." What do I mean? Well, let's put it this way: I can't watch this without fixating on the 00:10 second mark, what I call the "The Awkward / Dry Mouth / Dry Teeth/ Quick Swallow" by Jared. Check it. The producers/editors of the commercial obviously didn't.
I am remarkably and terrifyingly observant of people's faces and body language. Sometimes to an incapacitating degree. This commercial starring the New York Giants' Michael Strahan and Subway's Jared Fogel is just one tiny example of this "gift." What do I mean? Well, let's put it this way: I can't watch this without fixating on the 00:10 second mark, what I call the "The Awkward / Dry Mouth / Dry Teeth/ Quick Swallow" by Jared. Check it. The producers/editors of the commercial obviously didn't.
They Ain't Cartoons, Man
Nina Paley (ninapaley.com), America's Best-Loved Unknown Cartoonist (and clam hater) was kind enough to invite me, a mere civilian, to a tony animated film screening including her work in progress, "Sita," and other hot shot academy award nominee/winner type animators at the Eastman Kodak Company last night.
What was great: I finally got to meet Nina in person and let me tell you something, she didn't disappoint (even though she was under the weather). Plus, there was booze. It was free.
What sucked: Nina's flick was shown first, and I was late, so I missed it. Oh, and the air conditioning was crap, and with a hundred or so suckup /blowhards in the audience, well, that's gonna stuff up a room.
The crowd? Nerdy. Nothing wrong with nerds. Ok, there's a lot wrong with nerds, but there's a lot wrong with everyone. I'll take a room full of nerds over a room full of porn stars any day. Anyway, like I said, Nina's flick was first. The opening act is a tough slot; I should know, having been an opening act myself before, but word had it that "Sita" was well received. All one had to do was note the crowd surrounding Nina after the screening to know that. She was absolutely covered in sychophants after the show*, so much so, that a heavy dose of antibiotics wouldn't be a bad idea. You can have a taste of "Sita" yourself, right here.
The rest of the show included the following films and filmmakers (in no particular order):
"The Man Who Walked Between the Towers," Michael Sporn
"One Rat Short," Alex Weil
"Puppet," Pat Smith
"Bunny," Chris Wedge
"Dentist," Signe Baumane
"Guide Dog," Jimmy Picker
After chatting with Nina and friends, I went to get myself another cocktail. Near the bar I spied Jimmy Picker, who showed his amazing "Jimmy the C," a claymation of Jimmy Carter singing Ray Charles' version Georgia (written by Willie Nelson). Dynamite! I lost control. I promised myself I wouldn't be a suckup, but I just had to tell him how much I loved his flick and just how much I love Jimmy Carter and how I used to sketch him all the time when I was a kid. "Are you from Georgia?" he asked. No, just a nerd, I replied. Then the most amazing thing happened:
JIMMY TOLD ME THAT HE CREATED THE HAMBURGER/VAN HALEN SCENE IN "BETTER OFF DEAD" STARRING JOHN CUSACK BEFORE JOHN GOT OLD AND BLOATED AND HAD TERRIBLE TASTE IN WOMEN!
What? You mean the very first VHS movie I ever purchased? WOW WOW WOW WOW
I just about died and went to heaven. So did Jimmy from my reaction. It was awesome. A real feel good festival.
Anyway, long story short: A good time. Yay!
* I include myself as one, definitely. I'm just better at hiding it. Or am I?
What was great: I finally got to meet Nina in person and let me tell you something, she didn't disappoint (even though she was under the weather). Plus, there was booze. It was free.
What sucked: Nina's flick was shown first, and I was late, so I missed it. Oh, and the air conditioning was crap, and with a hundred or so suckup /blowhards in the audience, well, that's gonna stuff up a room.
The crowd? Nerdy. Nothing wrong with nerds. Ok, there's a lot wrong with nerds, but there's a lot wrong with everyone. I'll take a room full of nerds over a room full of porn stars any day. Anyway, like I said, Nina's flick was first. The opening act is a tough slot; I should know, having been an opening act myself before, but word had it that "Sita" was well received. All one had to do was note the crowd surrounding Nina after the screening to know that. She was absolutely covered in sychophants after the show*, so much so, that a heavy dose of antibiotics wouldn't be a bad idea. You can have a taste of "Sita" yourself, right here.
The rest of the show included the following films and filmmakers (in no particular order):
"The Man Who Walked Between the Towers," Michael Sporn
"One Rat Short," Alex Weil
"Puppet," Pat Smith
"Bunny," Chris Wedge
"Dentist," Signe Baumane
"Guide Dog," Jimmy Picker
After chatting with Nina and friends, I went to get myself another cocktail. Near the bar I spied Jimmy Picker, who showed his amazing "Jimmy the C," a claymation of Jimmy Carter singing Ray Charles' version Georgia (written by Willie Nelson). Dynamite! I lost control. I promised myself I wouldn't be a suckup, but I just had to tell him how much I loved his flick and just how much I love Jimmy Carter and how I used to sketch him all the time when I was a kid. "Are you from Georgia?" he asked. No, just a nerd, I replied. Then the most amazing thing happened:
JIMMY TOLD ME THAT HE CREATED THE HAMBURGER/VAN HALEN SCENE IN "BETTER OFF DEAD" STARRING JOHN CUSACK BEFORE JOHN GOT OLD AND BLOATED AND HAD TERRIBLE TASTE IN WOMEN!
What? You mean the very first VHS movie I ever purchased? WOW WOW WOW WOW
I just about died and went to heaven. So did Jimmy from my reaction. It was awesome. A real feel good festival.
Anyway, long story short: A good time. Yay!
* I include myself as one, definitely. I'm just better at hiding it. Or am I?
Better Off Dead's Dancing Burger n' Fries
Thanks to the wonderful Nina Paley (who invited me to her animated film screening last night, I met one of her fellow animator fellas Jimmy Picker, aka: THE MAN BEHIND THE GREATEST SCENE IN ONE OF THE BEST MOVIES EVER MADE! I'm fabulous, why? Because I know fabulous people. Short review of last night's gig to follow. Enjoy the clip. WHOO HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Thanks to the wonderful Nina Paley (who invited me to her animated film screening last night, I met one of her fellow animator fellas Jimmy Picker, aka: THE MAN BEHIND THE GREATEST SCENE IN ONE OF THE BEST MOVIES EVER MADE! I'm fabulous, why? Because I know fabulous people. Short review of last night's gig to follow. Enjoy the clip. WHOO HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Today Is National Fat Ass Day
Yes, National Fat Ass Day, where we focus a little attention on the fat ass, either by celebrating it, rebuking it, pointing it out, sitting on it. Awareness.
I had a very early physical therapy appointment this morning. I was going to go straight to work from there, but unfortunately the dress pants I had packed and changed into were too tight and contained not a single thread of forgiving stretch fabric. Thus, I had to go home and find something else to wear.
When I saw my super in the hallway, he had a confused look on his face. "Oh," I said, "I'm back because I realized at the gym that my pants were too tight so I had to come home and change."
"Oh, really?" he replied. "Yeah, you've gained weight. Not a lot, but you have gained weight, right?"
AWESOME.
So with that little ditty, let us celebrate National Fat Ass Day, shall we? Enjoy.
I had a very early physical therapy appointment this morning. I was going to go straight to work from there, but unfortunately the dress pants I had packed and changed into were too tight and contained not a single thread of forgiving stretch fabric. Thus, I had to go home and find something else to wear.
When I saw my super in the hallway, he had a confused look on his face. "Oh," I said, "I'm back because I realized at the gym that my pants were too tight so I had to come home and change."
"Oh, really?" he replied. "Yeah, you've gained weight. Not a lot, but you have gained weight, right?"
AWESOME.
So with that little ditty, let us celebrate National Fat Ass Day, shall we? Enjoy.
Tuesday, January 09, 2007
Did Someone Say "Friskies Special Diet Sliced Chicken n' Gravy?"
If you did, Doodle's ears are burning. It took several years of trial and error, but we here at Two Can Anne have finally zoomed in on Doodle's absolute favorite canned food, and this is what it is:
The way she snarfs this junk up you'd think she caught it and tortured it herself. So in essence, her favorite food (of the low magnesium variety) contains the following:
- Chicken
- Low Magnesium "Special Diet": (She's prone to urinary tract problemos)
- Sliced chunks of chicken (pureed crap doesn't do it)
- A nice gravy
So, if you didn't manage to get Doodle a Christmas present this year and are interested in doing so, you can click on the link above and contribute to the whiskered beast that way. She'll thank you. Somehow. It may be in the form of a dirty look, but she means well.
First Time For Everything
I thought it never happened, I didn't think it could be true, I thought men and women were truly different, however:
Apparently women take the newspaper into the public restrooms to take a dump like men.
Yes, I just found today's Science Times Section of The New York Times folded/rolled on the floor next to the toilet in the second stall of the Ladies' Room. My goodness.
More Crap About Clams
- On Sunday night, I went to Otto, Mario Batali's new pizzeria style place near Washington Square and had the delicious clam pizza. It was so good, that the lady next to me copied me, and the couple next to her copied her. So, basically I'm saying this: People copy me because I'm a totally awesome trend setter with amazing taste and style. Oh, and Otto is worth a visit. Even if Mario is friends with Michael Stipe from REM who is rumored to be a terrible tipper. Eat at the bar, order a bottle of wine and the clam pizza. It's a white pizza with tons of olive oil, Italian parsley, and a gorgeous mound of tender steamed baby clams in the shell on top.
- The Clam Box of Ipswich in Ipswich, MA has shuttered it's windows for the season (on December 16, 2006) but will reopen on February 15, 2007, so let's get ready to eat fried clams! Will the line be long in February? Yes. Is it worth the wait? Don't insult me; of course it is. Sure, there's a rivalry between "The Box" and the grand Woodman's of Essex, and who invented the fried clam first, but I'm partial to this little place. Be careful not to over order; I assure you, your eyes are bigger than your stomach. Here's the menu just so you can a jump on things.
Bush Ready To Announce New Strategy for Iraq War
In a related story, I blew an incredibly satisfying snot rocket in the shower this morning.
All I Am Saying Is
- Give peace a chance.
- When you go to Best Buy, the odds are that you won't have your gift card on you.
- Bed Bath & Beyond blows.
Monday, January 08, 2007
There's a Mouse on Your Head
(Sung to the tune of There's a Hole in the Bucket)
There's a mouse on your head...
Dear Doodle...
Dear Doodle...
Dear Doodle...
Dear Doodle...
There's a mouse on your head...
Dear Doodle...
A mouse!Doodle, Christmas 2006
Hats Off to Cha Cha
I know cool people and sometimes they get written up in the Post and it's not always because they were arrested. Sometimes it's because they create beautiful things or do cool stuff and don't get arrested. Cha Cha of Cha Cha's House of Ill Repute is a perfect example.
Let's say you're Ashlee Simpson, and you're on the cover of this teen magazine and inside there is this whole photo shoot and a 3-page spread with you and a bunch of fat kids jumping around and you're all wearing T-shirts emblazoned with catchy positive body image slogans, and you're waxing on about how you should love yourself for who you are, flaws n' all.
But then you go and have your hook nose whacked off, and while you're at it you have your Mac the Knife chin removed as well. Then you go on vacation or bury yourself in the studio (ie: convalesce). To whom do you turn to find the perfect smokin' chapeau to showcase the "perfect" and ubiquitous Dr. 90210 work you had done which you deny you had?
Well, if you're lucky, you have heard of Cha Cha. Her hats will make even the ugliest person hot:
Cha Cha's hot fedora is bottom right, I can see it from here, the heat is burning my eyes.
Let's say you're Ashlee Simpson, and you're on the cover of this teen magazine and inside there is this whole photo shoot and a 3-page spread with you and a bunch of fat kids jumping around and you're all wearing T-shirts emblazoned with catchy positive body image slogans, and you're waxing on about how you should love yourself for who you are, flaws n' all.
But then you go and have your hook nose whacked off, and while you're at it you have your Mac the Knife chin removed as well. Then you go on vacation or bury yourself in the studio (ie: convalesce). To whom do you turn to find the perfect smokin' chapeau to showcase the "perfect" and ubiquitous Dr. 90210 work you had done which you deny you had?
Well, if you're lucky, you have heard of Cha Cha. Her hats will make even the ugliest person hot:
Cha Cha's hot fedora is bottom right, I can see it from here, the heat is burning my eyes.
Your Tombstone Will Read...
I think it's in either a New Orleans or a Key West cemetery--one of the above ground styles-- that is home to the grave of a man whose grave marker reads, "I Told You I Was Sick." I was reminded of it because I just saw a hilarious New Yorker cartoon by a Zachary Kanin featuring a tombstone that reads, "Wouldn't Stop Picking At It."
So, don't pick, people. Stop picking at it.
This could be my last post, as something about my sandwich tasted not so good, and yet, I ate it anyway. If so, farewell, kids. Stop picking.
P.S. Go, New England Patriots!
So, don't pick, people. Stop picking at it.
This could be my last post, as something about my sandwich tasted not so good, and yet, I ate it anyway. If so, farewell, kids. Stop picking.
P.S. Go, New England Patriots!
Strange Natural Gas Odor in Midtown and It's Not Me
I walked out of my apartment building this morning and was hit by a wave of natural gas. Bloomberg's on the t.v. about to make an announcement about it. It didn't seem to phase the morning smokers on my walk to work, but now I hear a lot of sirens.
Exciting!
Exciting!
Got My Polar Bear Swim In Just In Time
Sadly, a 32- year old man who swam with the Coney Island Polar Bears' during their Annual New Year's Day Swim, conked his head diving. And later died.
Diving? From the shore? What?
Now, nobody can swim with the Bears unless they're already a member with a proper Coney Island Polar Bear Club patch. Prior to this incident, you needed 30 swims under your belt to qualify.
Diving?
The club's been around 104 years without insurance or medics and whatnot, I guess it was inevitable.
Diving? From the shore? What?
Now, nobody can swim with the Bears unless they're already a member with a proper Coney Island Polar Bear Club patch. Prior to this incident, you needed 30 swims under your belt to qualify.
Diving?
The club's been around 104 years without insurance or medics and whatnot, I guess it was inevitable.
Saturday, January 06, 2007
2 Exciting Incidents Back to Back
Yesterday morning I was preparing to leave my apartment, and decided I'd take the elevator instead of the stairs considering I frigged up my foot on New Year's Eve. I paused a second and thought to myself, the elevator is a public place and there are several people in this building I'd like to avoid because either I hate them or they hate me so perhaps I'll wear my sunglasses? Yes, I'll wear the sunglasses. The elevator arrived, it was empty. I got on.
When the elevator doors opened in the lobby, whose face was there to greet me? None other than the fellow who said (in a stupid British accent) that I "shamed his family" because I told the entire building that his apartment had bed bugs. Big deal. Which, I might add, is not a lie, because he did have bugs and he tried to keep it a secret, but I also told them in the same breath that my apartment has bed bugs, which could be a lie, but I'm not sure because I do have some sort of strange bump on my shoulder that was not there when I went to bed last night, but I digress.
I gave him that involuntary smile you give someone you recognize even if you don't know them personally, like when you see a celebrity on the street and whatever, and you're like, "Hey!" but then I realized whom I was fake smiling at (I'm not a morning person) and then he realized through my glasses whom he was fake smiling at, and his smile faded, and I booked it out of there. It was the first time we had seen each other since he called me to scream obscenities at me in his stupid accent. I've been taking the stairs and doing laundry at odd hours, but it was bound to happen, the first encounter since the incident.
Then I saw one of his kids today, so I knew he was right around the corner, and sure enough he was-- but I had my back turned and made sure I was discussing something really "important" with my doorman. Phew. Conflict averted. I'm brilliant! Did he see me? Absolutely. But...whatevs.
Well, there you go. Nothing like stirring up some drama in the place you call home just to make it interesting for yourself once in awhile.
When the elevator doors opened in the lobby, whose face was there to greet me? None other than the fellow who said (in a stupid British accent) that I "shamed his family" because I told the entire building that his apartment had bed bugs. Big deal. Which, I might add, is not a lie, because he did have bugs and he tried to keep it a secret, but I also told them in the same breath that my apartment has bed bugs, which could be a lie, but I'm not sure because I do have some sort of strange bump on my shoulder that was not there when I went to bed last night, but I digress.
I gave him that involuntary smile you give someone you recognize even if you don't know them personally, like when you see a celebrity on the street and whatever, and you're like, "Hey!" but then I realized whom I was fake smiling at (I'm not a morning person) and then he realized through my glasses whom he was fake smiling at, and his smile faded, and I booked it out of there. It was the first time we had seen each other since he called me to scream obscenities at me in his stupid accent. I've been taking the stairs and doing laundry at odd hours, but it was bound to happen, the first encounter since the incident.
Then I saw one of his kids today, so I knew he was right around the corner, and sure enough he was-- but I had my back turned and made sure I was discussing something really "important" with my doorman. Phew. Conflict averted. I'm brilliant! Did he see me? Absolutely. But...whatevs.
Well, there you go. Nothing like stirring up some drama in the place you call home just to make it interesting for yourself once in awhile.
Friday, January 05, 2007
Clam Recipe of the Day: Clams Casino
Clams CasinoINGREDIENTS:
24 small clams in shell
1/4 cup butter, softened
1/4 cup chopped green onion
1/4 cup finely chopped green bell pepper
1/4 cup finely chopped celery
1 tablespoon lemon juice
4 slices bacon, cooked until crisp and crumbled
PREPARATION:
Open clams; remove clams from shell. Wash shells; place each clam in deep half of shell. Discard remaining clam shell halves. Sprinkle clams with a little salt. Blend butter, chopped green onion, chopped bell pepper, chopped celery, lemon juice, and crumbled bacon.
Top each clam with a scant tablespoon of the butter and vegetable mixture. Arrange the clams casino shells on a bed or rock salt in a shallow baking pan. Bake at 425° for 10 to 12 minutes. Clams casino recipe serves 8 as appetizer.
Smile: It's Friday!
And here is your ridiculous photo for Friday.
Have a Happy Weekend, Everyone*!
*(Are you buying this feigned enthusiasm? Great. It's a load of shit. Love you!)
Christmas Trees: It's What's For Dinner
Get ready for the cute.
If you are not sitting down, or properly preparing yourself for the cute, you will not be able to handle the cute, and you could explode.
From the cute.
If you are not sitting down, or properly preparing yourself for the cute, you will not be able to handle the cute, and you could explode.
From the cute.
So, brace yourselves.
.
.
.
.
.
.
IT'S A BABY ELEPHANT EATING A FRIGGIN' CHRISTMAS TREE!
.
.
.
.
.
.
IT'S A BABY ELEPHANT EATING A FRIGGIN' CHRISTMAS TREE!
I TOLD YOU IT WAS CUTE!!!
Elephants and other animals at a German Zoo feast on Xmas trees, an annual tradition that is good and good for them! Read more about it here!
Men at War
Ken Burns' famous documentary the Civil War, is currently running on PBS ('tis Fund Drive Time, people). Though Ken is supposedly sort of a tool, he makes great flicks. I had seen The Civil War before, but upon seeing it on t.v. last night, I got sucked right back in. Sure, I'm a Lincoln buff and I did my college history thesis on the Civil War, but this show is an infectious piece of American history.
The similarities between the Civil War and Bush's War in Iraq are startlingly similiar: politicians back then (not Lincoln) thought that the war would be:
1) Inexpensive
2) Quick
3) Harmless
In fact, one politician could be quoted as saying something to the effect of "We will be able to soak up any and all blood shed in this war with a pocket hankerchief." How many handerchiefs would have been necessary sop up the blood from 600,000 men? More than a shitload, I can tell you that. They said the same crap about Iraq--a war not fought for the purpose of saving the Union or freeing the slaves--and look how that's going. Terrible.
Anyway, the documentary provides insight into just how awesome and completely brilliant Abe Lincoln was, and just how horrific war is: then, now, tomorrow. Nobody says it better than Sullivan Ballou, a bright and thoughtful soldier who wrote from Camp Clark, Washington this heartwrenching letter home to his wife Sarah:
"July 14, 1861
Camp Clark, Washington
My very dear Sarah,
The indications are very strong that we shall move in a few days, perhaps tomorrow and lest I shall not be able to write you again, I feel impelled to write a few lines that may fall under your eye when I am no more.
I have no misgivings about or lack of confidence in the cause in which I am engaged and my courage does not halt or falter. I know how American civilization now leans upon the triumph of the government and how great a debt we owe to those who went before us through the blood and suffering of the Revolution. And I am willing, perfectly willing to lay down all my joys in this life to help maintain this government and to pay that debt.
Sarah, my love for you is deathless. It seems to bind me with mighty cables that nothing but omnipotence can break. And yet my love of country comes over me like a strong wind that binds me irresistibly with all those cables to the battlefield.
The memory of all the blissful moments I have enjoyed with you come crowding over me and I feel most deeply grateful to God, and to you that I have enjoyed them for so long. And how hard it is to give them up and burn to ashes the future years, when, God willing, we might still have lived and loved together and seen our boys grow up to honorable man-hood around us.
If I do not return, my dear Sarah, never forget how much I loved you, nor when my last breath escapes me it will whisper your name. Forgive me my many faults and the many pains I have caused you, how thoughtless, how foolish I have sometimes been.
But, oh Sarah, if the dead can come back and flit unseen around those they love, I shall always be with you on the brightest day and the darkest night. Always. ALWAYS.
And when the soft breeze fans your cheek it shall be my breath. Or the cool air your throbbing temple, it shall be my sprit passing by.
Sarah, do not mourn me dead. Think I am gone and wait for me. For we shall meet again."
Sullivan Ballou was killed a week later on July 21, 1861 at the First Battle of Bull Run. The letter was never sent and was found among the dead soldier's effects. Read more about Sullivan Ballou and other stuff about The Civil War here.
War is so lame. It should always be the last, very last, last-est resort.
The similarities between the Civil War and Bush's War in Iraq are startlingly similiar: politicians back then (not Lincoln) thought that the war would be:
1) Inexpensive
2) Quick
3) Harmless
In fact, one politician could be quoted as saying something to the effect of "We will be able to soak up any and all blood shed in this war with a pocket hankerchief." How many handerchiefs would have been necessary sop up the blood from 600,000 men? More than a shitload, I can tell you that. They said the same crap about Iraq--a war not fought for the purpose of saving the Union or freeing the slaves--and look how that's going. Terrible.
Anyway, the documentary provides insight into just how awesome and completely brilliant Abe Lincoln was, and just how horrific war is: then, now, tomorrow. Nobody says it better than Sullivan Ballou, a bright and thoughtful soldier who wrote from Camp Clark, Washington this heartwrenching letter home to his wife Sarah:
"July 14, 1861
Camp Clark, Washington
My very dear Sarah,
The indications are very strong that we shall move in a few days, perhaps tomorrow and lest I shall not be able to write you again, I feel impelled to write a few lines that may fall under your eye when I am no more.
I have no misgivings about or lack of confidence in the cause in which I am engaged and my courage does not halt or falter. I know how American civilization now leans upon the triumph of the government and how great a debt we owe to those who went before us through the blood and suffering of the Revolution. And I am willing, perfectly willing to lay down all my joys in this life to help maintain this government and to pay that debt.
Sarah, my love for you is deathless. It seems to bind me with mighty cables that nothing but omnipotence can break. And yet my love of country comes over me like a strong wind that binds me irresistibly with all those cables to the battlefield.
The memory of all the blissful moments I have enjoyed with you come crowding over me and I feel most deeply grateful to God, and to you that I have enjoyed them for so long. And how hard it is to give them up and burn to ashes the future years, when, God willing, we might still have lived and loved together and seen our boys grow up to honorable man-hood around us.
If I do not return, my dear Sarah, never forget how much I loved you, nor when my last breath escapes me it will whisper your name. Forgive me my many faults and the many pains I have caused you, how thoughtless, how foolish I have sometimes been.
But, oh Sarah, if the dead can come back and flit unseen around those they love, I shall always be with you on the brightest day and the darkest night. Always. ALWAYS.
And when the soft breeze fans your cheek it shall be my breath. Or the cool air your throbbing temple, it shall be my sprit passing by.
Sarah, do not mourn me dead. Think I am gone and wait for me. For we shall meet again."
~
Sullivan Ballou was killed a week later on July 21, 1861 at the First Battle of Bull Run. The letter was never sent and was found among the dead soldier's effects. Read more about Sullivan Ballou and other stuff about The Civil War here.
War is so lame. It should always be the last, very last, last-est resort.
Thursday, January 04, 2007
Doodle? Phone's For You...
Doodle, the Lean, Clean, Fighting Machine, 12/24/06 *His new show bites. He can't have you stealin' his trick, Doodle.
Who Wants To See Doodle Fight a Bear?
You do? And you? Yeah, me too. But only if the bear doesn't get hurt. I can't bear to watch her rip the head off of a bear. Only to then eat it before chowing down on the rest of him. It's difficult enough watching her dissect a vole.
Doodle wants IN, window style. NOW! I SAID, NOW!
12/23/06
Is Billy Bush on TV To Punish Me?
And if so, then WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHAT ON EARTH DID I DO DO DO?
Vas o No Vas
Did anyone see Deal or No Deal last night? I like to call it Vas o No Vas even though I'm referring to the U.S. / Howie Mandel version because it's more fun to say. (The Mexican verision of Deal or No Deal is mucho mui more-ay caliente, but no habla espanol so...)
Here's what happened:
A guy in orange--who wore orange and made the whole set be orange--b/c supposedly it's his lucky color, walked away with $200. Lame. So lame. The best was when the last big amount disappeared (which was 200,000) and his gamblin' "Supporters" had just convinced him to say No Deal" when offered a deal of 36K--and enter sad sound effect: wwwaaa waaa wa waaaaa...--and then his Supporters stood there mouths agape--What is happening?-- until one shouted, "It's ok! It's ok!" And it clearly wasn't ok.
Then a surgical nurse in turquoise skydove her way onto the set, dropped from the ceiling, and everytime she picked a low case she'd slap Howie on the ass. Before the show ended, she was doing poorly. She needs to continue to do poorly as punishment for her annoying behavior.
Vas o No Vas?
Here's what happened:
A guy in orange--who wore orange and made the whole set be orange--b/c supposedly it's his lucky color, walked away with $200. Lame. So lame. The best was when the last big amount disappeared (which was 200,000) and his gamblin' "Supporters" had just convinced him to say No Deal" when offered a deal of 36K--and enter sad sound effect: wwwaaa waaa wa waaaaa...--and then his Supporters stood there mouths agape--What is happening?-- until one shouted, "It's ok! It's ok!" And it clearly wasn't ok.
Then a surgical nurse in turquoise skydove her way onto the set, dropped from the ceiling, and everytime she picked a low case she'd slap Howie on the ass. Before the show ended, she was doing poorly. She needs to continue to do poorly as punishment for her annoying behavior.
Vas o No Vas?
Old-o-Meter
How to tell if you're old:
When your officemate asks you, "Who was that band that did Stairway to Heaven*?"
*Clearly she never went to one of my High School dances then, or she'd know it's the last song played before the lights flick on, and you hightail it outta there or fling yourself against the wall if you don't have anyone to dance with or else you're gonna look like a huge a-hole...again. Welcome to high school.
When your officemate asks you, "Who was that band that did Stairway to Heaven*?"
*Clearly she never went to one of my High School dances then, or she'd know it's the last song played before the lights flick on, and you hightail it outta there or fling yourself against the wall if you don't have anyone to dance with or else you're gonna look like a huge a-hole...again. Welcome to high school.
It's Thursday, January 4, 2007
Do you know where your kids are?
If they were up your ass you'd know where they were!
If they were up your ass you'd know where they were!
Make Good TV...NOW!
Just For the Kids: The Wiggles
For the Kids and the Adults: The Electric Company
Just For the Adults: Wonder Showzen
Wonder Showzen is hilarious. And disgusting. And anyone with a real sense of humor realizes that sometimes these are two great tastes that taste great together. Plus, there are kids prompted to say stuff that they don't understand. And adults harrassed by a puppet on the street. So, that's like a third and fourth great thing. Watch a clip here.
Wonder Showzen will not be back for a third season, so buy your copies of Season 1 and 2 on DVD like I did. You'll be sorry*.
*Not about buying the DVDs. But just in general, you know, there's a likelihood you'll be sorry at some point in your life.
For the Kids and the Adults: The Electric Company
Just For the Adults: Wonder Showzen
Wonder Showzen is hilarious. And disgusting. And anyone with a real sense of humor realizes that sometimes these are two great tastes that taste great together. Plus, there are kids prompted to say stuff that they don't understand. And adults harrassed by a puppet on the street. So, that's like a third and fourth great thing. Watch a clip here.
Wonder Showzen will not be back for a third season, so buy your copies of Season 1 and 2 on DVD like I did. You'll be sorry*.
*Not about buying the DVDs. But just in general, you know, there's a likelihood you'll be sorry at some point in your life.
5 Years
5 Years: The amount of time Calista Flockhart thought would be adequate before saturating us network tv viewers with another one of her stringy-haired, sallow-faced, duck-lipped, quippy, stick-thin, at wit's end, miffed n' crazyyyyyyy characters.
She was wrong. We need more time. An infinite amount of time.
She was wrong. We need more time. An infinite amount of time.
Wednesday, January 03, 2007
In a Doodle Minute
Doodle 12/29/06Here is a series of things that Doodle does every other day. Warning: Some are cute, some are not so cute.
- When I get home from work, Doodle greets me in the foyer (that's right, I said it. I have one.) and scratches on her scratching post. Cute.
- She follows me around and tries to corral me into the kitchen to feed her wet food for dinner. Sort of cute.
- Meows and sits by the bowl if I ignore her. Sort of cute.
- Eats so quickly and violently you'd think she had killed the tuna herself. Cute.
- Walks into the livingroom and then bathroom with a mouth full of food, still chewing. Cute.
- Takes a pee on the toilet. Five years now and it amazes me everytime. Cute.
- Goes back for more food. Semi cute.
- Walks into the living room still chewing a mouthful of food (see #4)
- Meows at the living room ceiling. Not cute
- Repeat #9 ten more times. Not cute x10.
- Goes back to food bowl, sniffs, and then "buries it" by flicking and kicking "air dirt" over it, preventing all the others who live here from eating her dinner. Semi-cute, borderline annoying.
- Meows at the kitchen ceiling. Not cute.
- Walks into the living room and meows. Not cute.
- Meows in every room. Not cute.
- I have to chase her into the bathroom and shut the door to stop the meowing. Not cute.
- I open the door to find her tearing out of the john at lightning speed making a strange deep crazy meow. Scary cute. There is a huge dump in the toilet. Gross but cute all the same.
- She runs around for 5 maybe ten minutes tops. Semi cute.
- She goes back into the kitchen and has a few more bites to eat. Cute
- Wanders back into the livingroom. Jumps up on my lap at the desk. Stays awhile. Cute.
- Walks into the living room, sits on the top corner of the other side of the sofa and takes a bath. Ehh.
- Gives me dirty looks while I watch tv before she nods off. Cute?
Gerald Ford Newsflash
and I mean no disrespect when I announce this:
He is still dead.
Stay tuned if you're interested in more coverage.
He is still dead.
Stay tuned if you're interested in more coverage.
Let's Talk About You
My 2007 New Year's Resolutions include the following:
- Less tripping, falling, and injuring myself
- Less saying so much stupid stuff
- Less sitting on the sofa and more vacuuming it
- Throw out 9 things a day
- Brush Doodle's teeth once a week even though we both hate the whole thing
- Marry, have two kids, divorce, retire
I'm Lame
lame1 (lām) adj., lam·er, lam·est.
1) Disabled so that movement, especially walking, is difficult or impossible: Lame from the accident, he walked with a cane. A lame wing kept the bird from flying.
2) Marked by pain or rigidness: a lame back.
3) Weak and ineffectual; unsatisfactory: a lame attempt to apologize; lame excuses for not arriving on time.
Monday, January 01, 2007
FIrst Fall of 2007
So what if I made my grand exit from a New Year's Eve celebration at a private party in Uptown East 16 -room luxury apartment in an exclusive neighborhood by tripping over a foul-weather carpet in the building's lobby and landing totally on my chin. In front of 6 people. While wearing Keds.
Whatevs.
Sure, I tromped around in my sexy turqouise patent leather pumps from time to time at the party, but it was the Keds--which I brought for my commute home--in which I broke my face in front of 6 people. Well, Happy Damn New Year. My foot is sprained. Awesome.
But I got a taxi. So, again, whatevs.
Whatevs.
Here's me and Mr. Right Now at the very moment when Dick Clark (the Corpse) rang in 2007. Did you hear that bag of dust? Creeeeeeeepyyyyy! Nothing like havin' the Grim Reaper bring in the baby New Year !!
Sure, I'm crazy. But I'm not alone. Happy 2007, people!
Whatevs.
Sure, I tromped around in my sexy turqouise patent leather pumps from time to time at the party, but it was the Keds--which I brought for my commute home--in which I broke my face in front of 6 people. Well, Happy Damn New Year. My foot is sprained. Awesome.
But I got a taxi. So, again, whatevs.
Whatevs.
Here's me and Mr. Right Now at the very moment when Dick Clark (the Corpse) rang in 2007. Did you hear that bag of dust? Creeeeeeeepyyyyy! Nothing like havin' the Grim Reaper bring in the baby New Year !!But this hunk of teal ain't just a good kisser and a loyal roll in the hay. Slap on some boxing gloves, clobber him in the face, and you're not only playing games but you totally have the hot new toy for xMas 06. (Think Cabbage Patch phenom of the eighties). If you didn't get this thing for Christmas, you're poor. Also, just so you know, they totally had that DDR (Dance Dance Revolution) at this party and all that PS3 crap too. It was tricked out. Envious? Should be.
Here's a totally not solicited shot of me looking totally hot albeit sort of like a caveman in my New Year's Hat, tiara (from my own collection), side ponytail (I'm going to try again to bring back the side pony to it's full glory) and the one-sleeved Studio 54 top, riding the "moguls" on my newest obsession: The i Joy Board Automated Snowboard Machine foot board thingie! Step on this and play some a funky groove and let me tell you something, workin' out ain't nothin' but a thaaaaang! Hello, taut abs and buns for summer, everyone! 400 beans and it can be yours! And it will be mine. Clearly. It will be mine.
Sure, I'm crazy. But I'm not alone. Happy 2007, people!Happy New Year Compliments of Sans Pantaloons
Here's me looking cheeky in front of a NYC doorway that formerly was spaypainted "CUNT," but Sans Pantaloons made it Kid Friendly and Parent Approved with the very festive "HAPPY NEW YEAR." Delicious! And I look like a monkey! Wooooooof! It should also be noted that I can also walk like a penguin when prompted. Especially when the issue is concerning the New England Aquarium.
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