Something I Ate From a Deli at 4 A.M. Doesn't Agree With Me, How Odd

Double M, Double A, Double B

Matt McCarthy, Anne Altman, Brandy Barber, 10/14/06

Hi, kids! Good Sunday morning to all y'all out there! Last night's Kissing Booth was good clean smoochin' fun. Even if a fully grown male busting out of an Adult Large "Annie" costume with a toilet paper belt was prancing about onstage. He has the red hair, afterall. Yes, folks, I'm talkin' about the one and only Matt McCarthy. He's fucked up in an excellent way.

Speaking of excellent, the stunning Brandy and Sara were tremendously funny hosts per usual, the turnout was great, and the Yuengling was only $3, which helped me forget about the fact that I was fired recently because of a slandering back-stabbing back stabber who stabs people in the back when she's not back stabbing. Or eating. And because of her stab-backing back stabbery, I'm seconds from eating cat food. But at least I can sleep at night. And I don't have a fat ass. Karma, people. Not caramel. Be good to each other. Don't be a nougat face. Nougat. Face.

Now, where were we? Oh, yes. Adult Large "Annie" costumes and the fully-grown fire crotch men who wear them. Here's a picture. Sure, it's blurry. But Matt was takin' it to the streets and channeling that lil' orphan with emotion, vim and vigor! How do you capture a moving target? You don't. Enjoy!

Matt McCarthy as Annie. Absurd.

Katina Corrao as Daddy Warbucks and Matt McCarthy as Annie. Absurd-er.

Y'all Ready For This?

Doodle, 9/06

Green eyes...

Baby's got green eyes...

Hey, Kids, Do You Know What Rhymes With Plantain?

Mantrain! That's right! And mantrain was the topic of discussion over plantains after Crabby Hour tonight.

Kevin: Did anyone see that picture of John Travolta kissing a dude
Anne: Oh, yes. He's a gay. I know a lot of gays who know a lot of gays who know, for a fact that he's one of them. Who goes on vacation to Greece with your ten best guy friends unless it's your bachelor party?
DeeAnne: Greece! I was with a bunch of guys in Greece once and we all got propositioned by the same dude. Them, me, both, he didn't care, he just wanted to stick it in something.
Anne: Did you like it?
DeeAnne: What? I didn't do it!
Anne: I meant Greece.
DeeAnne: Oh. Yeah, it was nice.
Anne: So you didn't take him up on it? You could have been part of a mantrain.
DeeAnne: What?
Anne: You know, a guy's doin you and he's getting done from behind. I saw it once with three dudes on Robyn Bird. You know, mantrain. A butt sex erector set, if you will.
Michael: I wonder how many men it would take to be able for it to go around in a circle?
His wife (forgot her name b/c I'm a shit): 12. Maybe not 12 but no less than six.
Kevin: If I had to be on that train, I'd insist on being the caboose.

Well that depends on the person, doesn't it? Some would enjoy being the caboose, some the engine, and some the middle. Something for everyone.

See? I look good even in the silly hat. Nobody thought it was possible.

Except for me and Cha Cha, that is.

Hats Become Me

Fuck Happy Hour, it's Crabby Hour--Cha Cha's version of Happy Hour-- at her hat shop, Cha Cha's House of Ill Repute on Stanton Street and it rocks. You see, Cha Cha makes some serious friggin' hats, and I look seriously friggin' good in hats. So it's a win win. Cha Cha will make you a hat, Kevin will make you a drink, and you will love it. They're quality people who know how to have fun. Don't you remember them from Oktoberfest at the Astoria Beer Garden? Sure you do!

We all had punch, shot the shit Friday Night Style, and marveled at her incredible dome piece toppers. The entertainment part of the evening included myself and lovely songstress and poet DeeAnne Gorman. I opened for Dee with a little set I like to call Fun Various Tunes Travis Style and Dee sang a few tunes herself (and none of them ABBA, to my delight): And I Love Him, Fever, and Autumn Leaves with Jack on the upright bass. That thing is enormous. Everybody on the street rags on poor Jack about the massive size of this instrument he chose to dedicate himself to. But when you love an something the size (and temperment) of a woman, well, I'm willing to bet the upright bass chose him.

What else is sweet? We all got fantastic hats of our choice for playing at Cha Cha's soiree, and if I haven't mentioned it, I look hot in hats. Like, "Wow, she couldn't possibly look good in all hats...and yes, yes, as a matter of fact she does" good. After trying on at least a dozen and asking Cha Cha for her esteemed advice, I chose a chic yet practical black felt number that I can pick up in a week or so. Psyched! Apparently I have a small head. Not a pin head, mind you, but a perfectly desirable 21 incher. DeeAnne looks amazing in hats too. Even if her jughead does have an inch on my cranium.


Dee, Kevin and Me. My hat has bird feathers, tiny skulls (which look as if they may be carved out of molars), a spider, and a tiny veil. Hot! Kevin just jumped in behind us (that scamp!), otherwise we'd have given him more face time. He was the host, after all.

Happy Friday the 13th!

Superstitious? Doodle ain't scared.

Let's Snow, Buffalo

Second week in October and Buffalo gets a snow storm. Now that's what I call weather. Awesome!

Hey, Everybody, Have You Heard?

There was an Armenian Genocide by the Turkish Ottoman Empire during WWI. 1.5 million people were killed. You got that, Turkey? Get your shit together and stop denying history, you jack asses. It's lame. It's wrong. And it's not going to get you into the European Union.

eBay Oy Vey!

I've got to get more creative about the crap I'm selling on eBay. This broad was hocking a mummy. A real live dead mummy. Got a $500 bid on it and everything before the cops got involved. They always gotta spoil the fun.

Doodle Treats the Piranha like a Pariah

Doodle and Killed (nee Killer), 9/06

Nope, Doodle and Killed aren't friends. You know, Killed (nee Killer), my stuffed and mounted high-glossed piranha from Venezuela. Doodle's scared of him. Sorry, Doodle. Can't get rid of Killed. Gift from my uncle. He may be around longer than you.

Neato Bandito!

This phrase just came out of my mouth. I do believe the last time it did, I was in elementary school.

After 7 seconds of deep thought, I've decided that "neato bandito" has been in the vault too long. I'm bringing it back! And that's

NEATO BANDITO!!!

Smile for the Cameras

If you're bored--or "not bored" like the organization itself--join the Surveillance Camera Players at notbored.org for a walking tour near you. Here are the tours based on the cameras right here in NYC. Creepy. Can't pick your nose anywhere anymore.*


*Clearly it's not stopping some people.

Doodle Says What

Hi. This is Doodle. I'm all over this blog, so I figured I'd post something. Look what is goin' on in Cypress! I've been on Orbitz all morning. Any other felines who are interested, holla back, maybe we can qualify for a group rate. Gotta go, the bitch is back.

-doodle

Traffique? C'est Deplaisant

I read an article in The New York Post on Sunday that basically said people who live in high traffic areas with a lot of cars, horn-honking, and exhaust tend to be crankier than those who don't.

YOU THINK!?!?!?!?!?!?!!!!???!!??!!??!?!?!?!?!

No shit. That's The Post for you. The best thing they've got goin' is that there Scratch n' Match. Everybody wins!

Da Da Da Da Da...I'm Lovin' It

Teachers are underpaid. My wonderful cousin teaches public school. First grade in tony Palm Springs to a very poor Hispanic community under the unforgiving and unproductive strains of No Child Left Behind. My sister told me today about a very effective technique McDonald's Style that helps my cousin cope.

When the kids are acting up in class, she'll command their attention with a rousing go of: "Da da da da da...I'm not lovin' it!" And they'll quiet down. Sometimes she'll hear them talk amongst themselves after she does the Da da da da da with, "Come on, guys, shut up! She's not lovin' it!"

Hilarious.

Patience Is a Virtue

Doodle, 10/11/06

Poppies...Poppies!

Holy Shit, Corey Lidle Dead?

If this is true, this is sad.

I didn't know anything about Lidle until Monday; I watched Mike and the Mad Dog on YES Network hammer him about his comments in the paper about why his Yankees collapsed. If it is indeed Lidle who perished, they're not feeling especially like shit right about now. Too bad. Freak accident.

What, Me Worry?

Doodle, 10/11/06

Just lounging around in my pearls. What's up with you?

Aircraft Crashes Into 524 E. 72nd Street Building

No Dr. Phil today. Crazy ambulances can be heard around here in midtown and according to NY CBS 2 News, a small aircraft hit the 40th and 41st floor stories of an upper east side residential apartment building on 1st Avenue and 72nd Street. No word on any casualties yet. The t.v. coverage reveals an a few apartments on serious fire. President Bush will be bummed that it's not terrorist related; it appears to be an accident, perhaps mechanical difficulties. Let's hope those people aren't unemployed and home, or they're in trouble.

Link up.

Watchin' the Birds Go By

Doodle, 10/11/06

Look very closely and you will see

Two pigeons perched not in a pear tree

But a on fine-looking red chimney

Just for me

On a fine looking red chimney

Just for me.

~

a great friggin' poem by anne altman & all rights are reserved, bitch

When Lunch Is More Than a Hairy Apple Slice

I decided that some provisions from the grocery store would make for a tastier lunch than another hairy apple slice this afternoon. Right? Right! On my way out the door I asked my super and the doorman if they wanted anything while I was out. 9 times out of 10 they will always decline the offer, and when they accept at most it's a coffee or tea here and there, and I'm more than happy to oblige. They're good guys. I always ask my favorite doorman, a jovial Pakastani Muslim who likes a coffee with five sugars if he wants bacon with that. We laugh.

Today, Jorge the superindentent joked, "Yes, as a matter of fact I would like something, I'd like a pastrami sandwich on rye with pickles and a Coke..." See, we had this 22 year old guy who worked as our porter. He sucked. He was fired recently for the second--and final--time. He'd actually respond to people's offers like that. He had noooo problem asking for a five square lunch. And to boot, he did a shitty job. Lazy, late, always hungover, bad attitude, used to smoke the half-smoked butts Jorge had in the ashtray in his office. But Jorge didn't know about the Lemon Cookie Incident.

Once my boyfriend was leaving my place and Lazy Porter was working the door. You know, not opening it for people, talking on his cell phone and watching girls go by. My boyfriend told him he was going to get some coffee.

"Can I get you anything?"
"Um, yeah. Coffee would be good."
"Cream and sugar?"
"Yeah. Light and sweet. And could you also get me these cookies called Lorna Doone? Lemon flavor. They're in a yellow package with green writin'. You can't really get them around here in this neighborhood that I've seen, anyway, you can get them in the Bronx all over the place, but..."

No work ethic and a sick set of hairy apples.