Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Lombardi's: America's First Pizzeria

The thing that says "1905 Lombardis" is the original brick pizza oven. That hole in the top is where the pizzas go. That long stick stickin' out of it is what they slide dem delicious freakin' pizzas in and out wit.
32 Spring Street, NYC ~ Saturday, April 26, 2008

Things That Made Me Cry in the Past 24 Hours

  1. Slicing onions
  2. Happening upon a scene in The Pianist on IFC right before going to sleep
  3. The story my colleague told me at lunch about some wicked sick B.O. compliments of the dude next to him which he had to choke on during a 5 hour plane ride from Arizona to NY.

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Marc-Andre Fleury is the Jonathan Papelbon of Hockey

The Rangers are down 2 games to none going into Game 3 of their playoff series against the Pittburgh Penguins. Basically no team has come from behind to win being down 3 games, so it's do or die. I couldn't snag a spare seat in the MSG skybox tonight (no room for the chick who orders staplers? what gives??), so I'm watching from home. It's ok. I'm feeling a bit under the weather. Plus, hockey's tough for me to follow, so watching on t.v. by myself affords me time to pay attention to the game instead of paying attention to the chicken wings and open bar and let me tell you what I learned: Marc-Andre Fleury is amazing! The Rangers are shooting relentlessly over and over and over again and yet...nothing. Fleury's so impenetrable he could probably block bed bugs from your apartment.

5-3 Penguins with 5 minutes to go in the's not looking good for New York. Marc-Andre: Great goalie. Terrible name. I understand it's French, but it's still pretty terrible. I went on a date with a tool named Marc-Andre once. Once. He was rich but his teeth were bad, and I don't remember him asking me one question about myself. Cocky bastard. Marc? No, the name's Marc-Andre. It's such a stupid name in my opinion that I kept forgetting it and confusing it with Jean- Luc Picard so I called him Marc. Then he asked me out on a text message, and I didn't want to go out with him again, so my friend Larry dumped him for me. In a text message.

The End.

Come on, Rangers!

Peanut Butter Jelly Time

Miller's Motel in Mitchell, South Dakota

Weird Wedding Photos Part MCLMMVLCMV

Officiant: The bride just told you she's never blowing you again. Care to comment?

Weird Wedding Photos Part MVVMMCVLLMMV

What a layup this one was. Two points and the foul.

Chalk This Story Up to Perverts With Good Insulation

Josef Fritzl isn't the first dude to build a House of Horrors, and he won't be the last. Pervs, pervs, everywhere. Can't a guy just read a few dirty magazines anymore instead of raping his kids, fathering their children and keeping them all locked in a soundproof basement for 24 years? Geez. Read Devil in the White City by Erik Larson to learn about the first documented House of Horrors built by Dr. H. H. Holmes.

Monday, April 28, 2008

Let's Get Ready to Vomit!

Obviously, if you don't Google yourself from time to time, you miss out on amazing vomit nuggets like this one. Enjoy.

"When Ken and I first started dating, we both lived near a park and would go there often to take walks together and get to know each other. On one of our first dates, we came across a beautiful wooden bridge that I could not cross due to uneven beams* and high heels**. Fortunately, Ken took this wonderful opportunity to carry me over the bridge***. We both have always remembered that day and that act as being magical.

When planning our engagement, Ken tracked down an artist by the name of Larry Anderson, who we both greatly admire. Larry paints various picturesque landscapes. Ken commissioned a drawing from him for his proposal.

On the day he proposed (Jan. 20, 2007), Ken gave me a one-of-a-kind picture by Larry Anderson of the bridge he has so lovongly carried me across three and a half years earlier****. Under the picture of the bridge were the words: "Anne, Let's cross all of our bridges together....Will you marry me?" And then Ken got on one knee and presented me with my engagement ring. It was the most beautiful, magical, and sincere day of our lives."

*uneven beams? Ken had no problem with 'em, what's your excuse?
**high heels?? Get a life, heifer. You knew you were going on a walk.
***you think Ken sweated bullets thinkin' he might collapse under your bulk? I do.
****if Ken had dropped your ass, would you guys still be lovin' that bridge?

Thursday, April 24, 2008

Oh Right Like This Lamb Isn't the Cutest Thing Ever?

1926 or 1927. Washington, D.C.
"H.E.F. & lamb."
Herbert E. French, the proprietor of National Photo.
National Photo Company.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

A Mother's Diet During Pregnancy May Determine Sex of Child

You want a baby boy? Eat more donuts.

This Man Needs No Introduction

But I'll introdue him anyway: The Great Stevie Wonder and Superstition, live on Sesame Street, 1973. This is A-MA-Zing. Do yourself a favor and jam out to this sometime today or whenever you're feeling blue. The kid on the top of the stairs is out. of. his. MIND!

After you've watched Superstition, check out Stevie and Grover, doin' a few ditties:

Grover doesn't f around either, yo.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

True Story

Sneezer: Man, I can't stop sneezing! Must be the start of allergy season.

Bystander: Oh, it's today?

What I'm Reading Right Now: Satan's Circus

by Mike Dash.
So far, totally engrossing.

What I want to read next:

I've read her other book Stiff: The Curious Life of Human Cadavers and it was something everyone should read if they plan on dying or know someone who has died or will die.

My taste in books: macabre.

Earth Day, Conservation and Light Bulb Guy

I remember when I was a little kid, we received a yellow glow-in-the-dark sticker in the mail of a cute little Light bulb Guy that was the size of a switchplate. It had a small rectangular hole in the middle of it so that when stuck onto the switchplate, the flipswitch was the nose in the face. I said, the flipswitch was the nose in the face! Lightbulb Guy lived on the switch for the basement stairs and said something to the effect of "turn off the lights and conserve energy." I loved that thing for three reasons:
1) It was a sticker.
2) It was glow-in-the-dark.
3) The flipswitch was the nose!
But most importantly, Light Bulb Guy did what he was supposed to do: He reminded me to turn off the lights and that saving energy was important. I do remember feeling good coming up those stairs --after I'd reluctantly scooped out the cat box-- by turning off the light because of that sticker.
Over the years, Lightbulb Guy would slowly disappear until you couldn't see anything but a faded shredded sticker, and my Dad most likely killed him completely by scraping him off with a razor blade. I don't know why the message itself also faded away over the years but apparently it's cool again to conserve, so let's do our part a little bit here and there, shall we? Of course, this is easy for me to say, as I'm broke as a joke on coke and can't afford this thing called electricity, live in a small apartment, and I don't have a car. But you folks who rip your A/C while you're at work, and you, you fat lazy double parked dude who is catching some Zzzzzs in your truck on the job with the engine idling are cancelling most of this shit out, but...whatevs. I can't save you from being a-holes.
That said, my friend DeeAnne sent me some green info on how she's saving energy and doing good for the earf and its inhabitants. She has:

* selected an alternative ESCO (energy supply company) through ConEd to supply my power, & chose "green power" as well:

* started unplugging unused appliances at home (even products not in use can drain electricity) & using the new lightbulbs. (See list at end of this message for other helpful energy tips.)

* adopted Rudy the pig by making a donation for him @ The Farm Sanctuary: (Rudy fell off a transport truck, was rescued on Sept. 5, 2005, & now lives a happy life loving apples & bagels at a shelter in upstate New York. I may actually try to visit him this summer.)

Deeanne, like I, is also crazy about animals and their welfare. Here are some links and some ways you can save energy: (Public Service Commission Consumer Guide – household electricity use & energy saving tips) (nat'l non-profit org. working on the most urgent environmental problems – most interesting exhibit Sat. was "Sustainable Seafood: Making smart choices when we eat/buy seafood" (strategies for a better environment including "Cleaning for Health") (also linked to other 'click' sites, where 1 click a day makes a difference) (rethinking bottled water)

20 Ways You Can Save Energy:

If we reduce energy consumption, we can avoid construction of new power plants & other negative energy impacts. The savings below are expressed primarily as reduced Carbon Dioxide emissions (a prime cause of Climate Change), but many other environmental damages will also be equally reduced. CO2 savings are averages, but your savings may be even higher. Keep in mind that as you save energy, you also save money!

1. Efficient Transportation - Transportation is a leading energy consumer. In the U.S., vehicles use more gasoline each year than the entire U.S. oil industry produces. Try to live near your work or school, & use public transportation, carpool, walk, or bike when you can. Replace your SUV with one of the new hybrid gas & electric cars & you could save as much as $11,000 on gas & produce 107 fewer tons of CO2. The new efficient hybrids are reliable & drive (& refuel) just like a standard car, with no need to recharge batteries.

2. Better Appliances -- Purchase energy efficient household appliances. This can make an enormous difference. For example: if you replace your 1972 refrigerator with a 2001 model, you may cut your CO2 emissions by 1,100 lbs. a year & save $80 a year on your energy bill. (Install the dishwasher away from your refrigerator: the dishwasher's heat & moisture make the fridge work harder.) Replace your top-loading washing machine with a front-loader, & you may save $100 a year in energy, water & detergent. A new Energy Star refrigerator uses about 20% less energy than a standard new refrigerator & 46% less than one made before 1980. A new Energy Star washing machine uses nearly 50% less energy than a standard washer. (For details, visit: Energy Star

3. Cold Water Wash & Line Dry -- Washing clothes in cold water reduces your washer's energy use by 75% & saves almost 500 lbs. of CO2 per year. Drying clothes outside in the fresh air & sunlight not only lengthens the life of your clothes but also saves energy & 1,386 lbs. of CO2 emissions. When you need to use the clothes dryer, run full loads & use the moisture-sensing setting. Clean the lint trap after each use & clear the outdoor dryer vent frequently to eliminate blockage & reduce resistance.
The same techniques apply to dish washing: Always do full loads when using your dishwasher & washing machine. Conserve energy by turning off the dry cycle on your dishwasher & air-dry the dishes instead.

4. Refrigeration Tips -- Maintain your refrigerator & freezer at the right temperature. If they're only 10°F colder than necessary, your energy consumption will jump 25 percent. The refrigerator should be between 38 - 42°F & the freezer between 0 - 5°F. Make sure the door is sealed tightly. Check the gasket (rubber seal) for cracks & dried-on food. Choose a refrigerator with a freezer on top rather than a side-by-side unit. On average, the savings amount to 20%.

5. Air Conditioning -- In our part of the country, air conditioning is seldom necessary in a well-insulated home. If you increase your air conditioning thermostat by only 3°F you can save an average of 470 lbs. of CO2 per year. You can save up to 3% of energy consumed for each degree the thermostat is set above 72°. Ceiling or room fans can also be used to cool rooms significantly while using less energy than air conditioning. An attic "whole house" fan is an effective way of cooling your home without using the air conditioner. It forces hot air out of your home & draws cooler air in through attic vents.

6. Unplug Unnecessary Appliances -- Unplug the extra refrigerator in your basement or garage, & save 448 lbs. of CO2 per year. Unplug appliances like microwaves, stereos, VCRs & printers that do not have to be on all the time, but use energy when plugged in. Simply unplugging these appliances can save a lot of energy. If possible, unplug electronic devices & chargers that have a block-shaped transformer on the plug when they are not in use.

7. Lighting -- For every 75-watt incandescent light bulb which you replace with a 20-watt compact fluorescent, you’ll get the same amount of light but save 1,300 lbs. of CO2 & $55. (Compact fluorescents screw into regular sockets.) Fluorescents save 75% of the energy, yet they last much longer. Turn off unneeded lights, & save 376 lbs. of CO2 per year. Also, keep bulbs dust-free. Dust on a light bulb or dirt on a glass fixture can reduce the light it emits by 10 percent & make it seem that you need a higher-wattage light. When building a new home, include natural lighting features (skylights, suntubes, larger south-facing windows, etc.) to reduce the need for artificial lights. Adjust your schedule when possible to be active in daylight & sleep during the dark.

8. Home Heating -- Lower your thermostat in winter by 2°F & save 353 lbs. of CO2 per year. Change furnace filters often because dirty filters restrict airflow & waste energy. Keep your furnace clean & properly adjusted. Switch from an oil or electric heating system to natural gas, which is more efficient. Replace simple dial-type thermostats with smart programmable thermostats. These units allow you to set the heating & cooling system to take a break while you're asleep or out, then come on at preset times to keep you comfortable when you wake up or come home. In an average house this can reduce emissions by 1,000 lbs. per year—not to mention producing significant savings on your energy bill, with a quick payback of the $50–100 cost. Dress warmly to stay comfortable without turning up the heat. Lower the thermostat to 55°F or off at night or when leaving the house/office for an extended period of time. For every degree you lower your heat in the 60-70° range, you'll save up to 5% on heating costs.

9. Oven Smarts -- Minimize the number of times you open an oven door during cooking. Each time, you lose 25-50° or more. Do not preheat longer than necessary. Ten minutes should be sufficient. Preheating is not necessary when broiling.

10. Reduce Your Home Size -- If you’re about to build or buy a new home, aim for something smaller. Many new homes are much larger per person than in the past, which increases home energy consumption dramatically for construction, heating, dehumidifying & cooling. The median size of a newly built U.S. home in 1970 was 1,500 square feet. By 2000, it had increased to 2,300 square feet, even though the median family's income hasn't changed much & family sizes are smaller now.

11. Seal Air Leaks -- One of the least expensive & most effective ways to reduce energy consumption in the home is to seal air leaks. A simple effort to weatherize your home—especially to seal any large air gaps in the attic & basement—can reduce a typical home's greenhouse gas emissions by 1,300 lbs. per year. Keep your fireplace damper closed unless a fire is burning to prevent heated air from escaping through the chimney. Avoid using kitchen, bathroom & other ventilating fans in excess, as these can eject a significant amount of heated or cooled air in a very short period of time.

12. Add Insulation -- Adding attic insulation is also highly effective & can save an additional 1,300 lbs. of CO2. Adding wall, attic, & basement insulation costs more per unit of energy saved, but can trim a home's CO2 emissions by 2,000 lbs. per year. Pool blankets -- insulating sheets that float on the surface -- cut the energy consumption of pool heaters up to 70%.

13. Window Efficiency -- Adding air-gap window films or low-e films to existing windows, while not always cost-effective, can reduce your home's emissions by 1,000 lbs. per year. When possible, replace old windows with new high performance, energy efficient (double-paned) windows or install storm windows. Curtains & shades can also help prevent hot or cold air from escaping.

14. Smart Landscaping -- Shading your east & west windows with overhangs or trellises or by planting shade trees are also effective ways to reduce unwanted heat gain on hot, sunny days. They also act as windbreaks in winter. Also, plant trees or shrubs to shade air-conditioning units (but not to block the airflow.) A unit operating in the shade uses as much as 10% less electricity than the same one operating in the sun.

15. Duct Work -- Sealing & insulating heating & cooling ducts is a more expensive job, but saves more energy & therefore can reduce your emissions by an average of 1,300 lbs. of CO2 per year. Upgrading your heating or cooling equipment with new technology & making sure these units are regularly tuned (typically every year) will also reduce emissions by several hundred lbs.

16. Hot Water Efficiency -- Turn down your water heater to 120°F (from the usual 145°F), & you may save 163 lbs. of CO2 per year. Reduce hot water consumption by installing efficient showerheads, faucets & other fixtures (see Water Conservation Tips). You can insulate the water heater with an insulating blanket. This is especially valuable for older water heaters with little internal insulation. (Be sure to leave the air intake vent uncovered when insulating a gas water heater.) When buying a new water heater, look for the most efficient & properly sized type with the lowest life-cycle cost. Better yet, install a solar hot water heater.

17. Save Energy at Work -- Turn off office equipment when not in use. Reduce energy consumption & equipment wear by setting computers, monitors, & copiers to sleep-mode. Better yet, turn them all the way off if you are not going to use them for an extended period of time, particularly when you go home at the end of the workday. To keep it simple, just plug your computer, scanner & printer into one power strip that can be switched off after shutting down your computer. Do the same with the microwave in the office lunchroom, & other office appliances which are always on otherwise. Over your lunch break, turn off your computer monitor. This will save energy without losing your work or having to reboot. Encourage your co-workers to do the same.

18. Limit Your "Stuff" Consumption -- Virtually every physical object you buy in a store requires energy for its production &/or operation. This includes clothing, accessories, household furnishings, office supplies, appliances, sporting goods, decorative objects, & toys - which all consume energy. We could easily have happy, fulfilled lives while reducing this consumption, & save tremendous energy (& $$) in the process. Unclutter your life & live more simply. When you do buy, try to purchase locally made goods & avoid energy costs due to long-distance transportation.

19. Eat a Vegetarian Diet -- The production of meat, dairy, & eggs is energy intensive. We can all reduce our food energy consumption by eating plant proteins directly, converting at least some of our daily meals to vegetarian dishes. This will also be healthier for you & your family, save money, reduce water consumption, reduce water pollution, reduce land use impacts of livestock production, & reduce the potential for animal cruelty. For more information, visit:
• The Vegetarian Resource Group:
• Vegetarian Times:
• In a Vegetarian Kitchen:

20. Get Involved & Talk to Your Legislators -- Many of our current governmental regulations are not helpful for conserving energy, & some policies actually reward large energy users with lower bulk rates. Citizens need to contact their legislators & ask for better policies.

My Morning Jacket

Off the Record.

Let's Celebrate Earth Day with Land of the Lost

Sleestak (s) are Scary
music by Tastes Like Chicken

Monday, April 21, 2008

I'll Take 7 of the Lemon Turnovers Please. To Stay.

Di Camillo Bakery Co. ~ December, 2007
811 Linwood Avenue
Niagara Falls, NY 14305

Hot Stuff in 1839: Earliest Photograph of a Person

Philadelphia, 1839.
"Robert Cornelius, self-portrait facing front, arms crossed. Inscription on backing: The first light-picture ever taken. 1839." One of the first photographs made in the United States, this quarter-plate daguerreotype, taken in the yard of the Cornelius family's lamp-making business in Philadelphia, is said to be the earliest photographic portrait of a person.

Fitter Butts Make Louder Farts

So said my boss who is in the middle of a successful healthy '08 diet and exercise program. He noted that his fitter ass produces louder gaseous emissions than his former flabby ass. To his wife's chagrin, no doubt.

Sunday, April 20, 2008

The Pope Came to NYC, Now He's on a Plane Home

And that wraps up my Pope coverage for you. In his honor, may I present:

ozzy osbourne, jake e. lee. live, 1982


What? A Red Lobster on Lower Sixth Avenue with a line out the door.


Thursday, April 17, 2008

Find Sales and Promo Codes Online

Last night I spent the majority of the evening signing up for online sweepstakes to win a new wardrobe. Obviously! So, I pretty much googled "win a new wardrobe" and entered away. Some of the sites were overseas, and I didn't recognize a lot of the vendors--in fact, I'm quite sure I'm in the running for a drawing to receive 5K worth of equestrian clothing. Free shiz has to be better than what I've got. Faded Old Navy capris which are too baggy in the knees and Payless skimmers? Thought so.

That said, I scoured the web for you for sites which scour the web for us to find sales and promotional codes at online checkout so we all can enjoy the savings, kids.

Here are a few:

I don't know how this blog morphed into a cheapskate's delight, but it has. And by the time you read this post, I just may be lounging around my house in khaki breeches, a fine velvet helmet and threatening Doodle cat with my riding crop.

Shape Shape Shape

A few years ago I took a seat at an Atlantic City casino roulette table with $20 bucks. The only other person there was an East Asian Indian dude, sort of a fat high roller in his early fifties, who wearing a gold necklace and rings and had obviously been there a long time. He was standing at the end of the table, playing with $50 chips. When this song came on, he went nuts, grinning and bouncing and singing aloud to the dealer and whomever would look at him. Picture it, if you will, this dude goofing around in a thick accent:

"Shape shape shape...shape shape shape...shape your booty! Shape shape shape...shape shape shape...choc-o-lit milk shape... Banilla milkshape! Shape shape shape shape! Shape shape shape! Choc-o-lit milk shape. Choc-o-lit milkshape!"

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

C is for Trekkie

from whipcreamy.

Nothin' Like an Old Man's Bar

To say that McSorley's is an institution is an understatement. As is saying that it's my favorite watering (beer-ing?) hole in all of Manhattan. These amazing pictures from back in the 1930's I found on shorpy. As you can see from my pics from a long blurry afternoon last April the place looks exactly the same, down to the sawdust. But minus the hats. Oh, and plus some broads.

Let's Play a Game: Name That Award-Winning Hotel Chain

Tuesday, April 15, 2008


Answer: Eating a crappy homemade whole wheat pita toaster oven pizza thing and pretending its sushi by reading a Japanese restaurant take out menu at the same time
















Question: What is Anne that sad sack of shit doing right now?


Nina Paley's SITA SINGS THE BLUES at Tribeca Film Festival

Or, as my friend DeeAnne's mother would call it, the Tribeca Film Festibal. Support Nina and get your tickets here!

Who Doesn't Let Their Dog Sit at the Picnic Table?

Anne's Camping Trip
Paper Bag Mountains ~ 4/13/2008

I Bought a Boat

And a trailer hitch. What are you gonna do about it?
Ahoy, mateys!

Dream Kitchen

Look. Here's what I want. I want tons and tons and tons and tons and tons and tons and tons and tons of cabinets. And a tiny tiny tiny tiny tiny tiny tiny tiny window. Then I can bake the perfect cake.

February 1939. Hidalgo County, Texas. "Kitchen of Farm Security Administration tenant purchase client." Medium format nitrate negative by Russell Lee for the Farm Security Administration. From

Monday, April 14, 2008

It's All Part of My Rock 'n Roll Fantasy, Yo.

Do yourselves a favor: Crank up the volume and dig yourselves a little Paul Rodgers.

1979! Kind of like '08.


Bad Company, Rock 'n Roll Fantasy

Anne's Mini Restaurant Review: Red Curry Thai Restaurant

Red Curry
339 Lexington Avenue, NYC

  • The Pad Thai tastes like B.O.

Just Another New York Story

Who: An impatient van driver, a large pedestrian, and me, the bystander.
Where: Broadway and Barclay Street in Lower Manhattan
When: 11:45 a.m.
What: A van waiting for pedestrians to cross Barclay Street. As it idles and finally drives left--around a tall dude with a large-ish gut--the driver leans out the window, looks back to make eye contact and says, "Way to take your time. What are you, pregnant?"
How: Easily.
Why: Because.

A couple of blocks later, I almost got hit by a taxi who sped up on the sight of me. This kind of thing always makes me doubtful of my appearance. If I were hotter, would he still have sped up to hit me? Or, would he instead have slowed down to get a better look. Curious. Now that I lived, I'd better hit the gym.

Shrinky Dinks on a Budget

If you're broke as a joke on coke like I am, you know that your craft budget is one of the first to get hit (right behind food). Don't fret that you can't afford store-bought shrinky dinks anymore--I found a do-it-yourself version that is not only free but also green--these dinks are made by recycling your old plastic takeout containers (from back in the day when you were able to afford it. Remember those days, fat ass?)


New York's Chinatown Before Starbucks

April 12, 1910. "Chinatown after shooting." Three shot, two dead.
The Port Arthur teahouse at 9 Mott Street in New York's Chinatown during the tong wars between the Hip Sings and On Leongs.
5x7 glass negative, George Grantham Bain Collection.

Monday To Do List

  • Return library books
  • Pay a few bills
  • Digitally remaster myself

Friday, April 11, 2008

Think You're Having a Bad Day?

I had a really bad day. I may explain further at some point, because as a little more time goes by, I'll embrace just how hilarious it is--comedy in tragedy, people, comedy in tragedy. But I just spoke with my friend Bumpkyn, and she made me feel a little better:

"I'm wearing a pair of pants today in which I am two pounds away from camel toe. Oh, and I was three quarters away from finishing a piece of cake I shouldn't have been eating in the first place when I discovered a short black hair on my fork. I don't have short black hair. I think I'm going to be sick."

Friday Night Hee Haw

October 1938. Dano's Roadhouse. Raceland, Louisiana.
"Girls at Dano's for free Friday night crab boil."
35mm negative by Russell Lee for the FSA.


frank zappa. "watermelon." dig it.

That's Queens

49th Street in Sunnyside, Queens. NY
Anne's Annual Trip to See Her Accountant ~ 4/5/08

Thursday, April 10, 2008

It Still Pisses Me Off

Dear MTA,

When train service is disrupted because of a stalled train, a sick passenger, train traffic ahead, or WHATEVS, please, please, please, please, please, stop saying:


You can't tell me what to do!

How about "We appreciate your patience." If I decide to be patient, then great, I understand that you appreciate it, and I appreciate it that you appreciate it. But do not tell me what to do. I will be patient if I feel like it, or I will be something else. Thanks.



Let's Get Ready To Recede!

It's recession time, folks. And if you don't see the writing on the wall or the locust cloud darkening the horizon, get your heads out of your bungers because times are tough and about to get tougher. Sadly, we had some layoffs here today at Acme, and the mood is grim at best.

If you've never gotten the shitcan, you should experience it sometime. Just so you know what it's like. I'm no stranger to the game, especially as a temp, assignments begin and end, often with no notice. I'll never forget the time I returned to my job after Christmas vacation, and one of my colleagues, upon seeing me in the hallway, took a double-take as if he had seen a ghost:

"Anne? Hi?"

"Hey! How was your Christmas? What? Why are you looking at me like that?"

"What are you doing here?"

"What do mean? I just got back from...wait a minute---did I get fired when I was on vacation?"

"Um...yeah. They didn't tell you?"

"No. Nobody told me. Awkward?"


"Alrighty! I'll guess be going, then."

"Ok. Bye, Anne."


Did You Know?

That at T.J. Maxx you get the max for the minimum, minimum price?

Doodle Is Mildly Interested in What You Have to Say

And very interested in what you have to eat.

Doodle, 4/9/08

Wednesday, April 09, 2008

Weird Wedding Photos Part MVLCMMVMC

"Good thing I got finally married before my uterus fell out...Whoops, nevermind, there it goes."

from who else but married to the sea.



Do I Want to Get Noticed?

Chic Shaper. C'est chic. Do I want one of these?

Tuesday, April 08, 2008

A Night for Dottie

Photo by Anya Garrett. A Night for Dottie @ Comix, 4/6/08

Here's a photo of my pals Matt McCarthy and Katina Corrao from a tremendous and heartwarming benefit Katina put together at Comix on Sunday called a Night for Dottie. This shot is from Matt and Katina's Pina Colada Song skit which is HILARIOUS and can be seen here.

Photo by Anya Garrett. A Night for Dottie @ Comix, 4/6/08

And look who else was there? Why if it isn't my old friend Fitzy! Read all about him and his Masshole mania @ Townie News. Go Sox and as Fitzy would say, Go GFY.

To learn more about Dottie Person and the fund for her children click here.

Red Sox Opening Day at Fenway

And Bill Buckner throws out the first pitch!

Guess we just had to get a couple of championships under our belt before we could drag him out of his hole without shame.

Go Sox!

And in honor of Shea's Last Opening Day which is also today, Go, Mets. Shea Goodbye!

Monday, April 07, 2008


**A class of eighth graders in 1946, in Montpelier, Vt. **

Seats are still available for tonight's April 7th edition of MORTIFIED at Comix.

Tickets can be purchased here!

Hailed a "cultural phenomenon" by Newsweek and celebrated by the likes of This American Life, The Today Show, The Onion AV Club, Esquire, Entertainment Weekly, Daily Candy, and more, Mortified is a comic excavation of teen angst artifacts (journals, letters, poems, lyrics, home movies, stories, and more) as shared by their original authors before total strangers. As the largest and longest-running project of its kind, our grassroots comedy collective has spent years sifting through hundreds of otherwise forgotten notebooks on a mission to celebrate the extraordinary lives of ordinary people.

Mortified is co-produced in New York by Anne Altman & Brandy Barber.

Two-item minimum per person in the showroom.

Weird Wedding Photos Part MVLCMMVMC

"I love her, man. She makes me shoot rainbows out of my head. And my ass."

Sunday, April 06, 2008

Dick Cavett's Tribute to Utica!

Utica, u, utica! U u u u u Utica...

sent in from a sentimental Central New Yorker.

"New Study Links Homophobia with Sexual Arousal"

Or anxiety. Either way, all you homophobers need to calm the heck down already. From creepy.

It's Prom Time, Yo.

"carry on" by spacehog. dig it.

Saturday, April 05, 2008

What I'm Reading Right Now: The Sea Captain's Wife

The Sea Captain's Wife by Martha Hodes is the amazing true story of Eunice Stone Connolly whose nineteenth-century life has been carefully pieced together by the author from Eunice's letters to (and from) her family. Thankfully the majority of this incredible trove of letters has survived, because this book is a true window into the past, and I simply can't put it down.

The Sea Captain's Wife is of particular interest to me because it is a cache of correspondence like this one on which I based my college thesis--a man named Myron Adams, Hamilton College Class of 1863--whom enlisted in the Union army and wrote home twice, sometimes three times a day. by reading these letters I was able to know him and live vicariously through his idealistic early days as an enlisted young man, terrifying times in battle, and the anti-climactic end of his life when, after he was wounded and discharged, Mr. Adams became a Presbyterian minister. Once he was home with his family, however, the letters stopped, the details lost to the ages. Important details of Eunice's life are absent as well. Either because letters were lost or destroyed or simply because when she moved in with her mother for a spell she didn't have to write to her. So there you are, going along, following the ups and downs of her life only to find that big chunks of the puzzle are missing, and your fly-on-the-wall ability suddenly disappears.

Surviving pen-to-paper materials are also the basis of the I show co-produce in New York called Mortified. (shameless plug alert ahead) Created by Dave Nadelberg, Mortified showcases real people who read from their real teen artifacts in front of total strangers. Mortified as a concept is nothing without these vestiges of the past--old letters, journals, poems, notes, diaries, song lyrics, school assignments--the intent being to provide a theatrical experience that is equal parts comedic, cathartic and creepily voyeuristic. What happens when people don't record their angst on paper anymore? Don't get me wrong, I'm all for the cellphones, text, e-mail, and weblogs (obviously), but what have we lost in terms of preserving the past without the old-fashioned way of communicating? OMG! WTF! TMTH? Only time will tell.

Anyway, if you're in the New York area, come see me in Mortified on Monday, April 7 at 8 pm. In addition to myself, we've got a bunch of brave souls ready mortify themselves in front of you with their embarrassing stuff. Tickets are available at Reservations highly recommended!

And if you're at all interested in American history (and in my opinion if you're not, you should be) get yourself to a library or book store and read The Sea Captain's Wife: A True Story of Love, Race, and War in the Nineteenth Century by Martha Hodes. I'm 30 pages from the end and sad about it.

Poverty Will Make This Weight Loss Goal Easier To Achieve

Wow. Well, this recent trip to the accountant went horribly, didn't it? Holy shyte. Here I go hopping and skipping to Queens only to find that instead of getting a tasty refund, I owe hundreds of thousands of millions of dollars. SURPRISE! This is cute. No, really. Super cute.

There is an upside to this news, however: This most recent reminder of my state of pennilessness and inability to make my way in this world coincides perfectly with my new commitment to fitness and fat burning. The fitness will replace any socializing I may be tempted to do: "Hey, Anne, want to meet up for drinks tonight?"

"Oh, I wish I could. But I'm busy tonight running up and down the stairs of my apartment building. Thanks, though!"

The fat burning will come from a steady diet of sugar-free bubble gum in which I chew my face off and the occasional bowl of oatmeal I carefully measure out for myself as a reward. Chin up, Food Stamp Fatty!

Yay! Just in time for the recession!

Who wants to buy a cat? Nobody? Ok. Hey, I don't really need electricity, do I? Who needs lights? Lights are for losers, man. Lights: for the weak!

Check out my new Bible: Living on a Dime.

In Honor of My Annual Trip to See My Accountant In Queens

I've written the following song. Enjoy.
by Anne Altman, copyright 2008
Taxes, taxes, whoahhh
Taxes, taxes
Taxes, taxes, wacka wacka
Taxes, taxes
Get your shit together
Taxes, taxes
My accountant's in Queens
Taxes, taxes, whoahhh
The only time I go to Queens
And I'm always late
Taxes, taxes

Friday, April 04, 2008

Fine, I'll Move to Fuckin' Vegas Already

There's not a single, single man in NYC? No shit, Sherlock! Yes, the news that there is a dude shortage on the East Coast and a chick shortage on the West Coast is not exactly news, but... that don't make it any less depressin' if you're a dude on the left or a chick on the right, yo!
Note: the map only includes singles 20-64, so 19 year olds and 65 year olds, take heart. And why don't you piss off?

The Fabulous Ms Fits Wins Weblog Award

Yay! The delightful Ms Fits wins the 2008 Bloggie Awards for Best Australian or New Zealand weblog! If you aren't familiar with my hottie Aussie friend, please check her out here. Fridays she does this hilarious Q&A thing. I'm in love with her, obviously: her site is called "Reasons you will hate me" for cryin' out loud. Kindred souls, are we. And if I were to "go gay" as they say, well, let's just say I'd be down under already.

One Canary Express Mail Please

"Make that two."

All I'm Sayin' Is

If you're wearing a brown shirt and khaki pants you basically look like a doody.

Thursday, April 03, 2008

Housewarming Party at Anne's

I do believe congratulations are in order, as I just purchased this split-level suburban house in the Paper Bag Mountains! Date for the housewarming party TBD. Bring grass. Both kinds.

Clam Recipe of the Day: Clam Pudding

Clam Pudding
From Richmond Talbot
A real Plymouth favorite, somehow acquired from the kitchen of Fran Barnes.

a stick of butter
1 cup ground Pilot crackers
1 cup ground Ritz or saltines
salt, pepper and a dash of mace
1 quart of ground sea clams
4 lightly beaten eggs

To prepare:
Melt 1 stick of butter in a skillet.
Add both crackers and toss together well.
Toss together well and season with salt, pepper and a dash of mace. (not the rapist kind)
Add 1 quart of ground sea clams and simmer together for one minute.
Cool slightly.
Add 4 lightly beaten eggs, mix well and turn into a casserole dish.
Bake at 375 degrees for one hour.

Some people add a dash of Tabasco. (the cool kids do, anyway)

Two Cheap Things That Look Cheap Together

Funny, my cheap black sweater from Old Navy is rubbing blackness bits onto my cheap white shirt from Dijon. What are the fuckin' odds?

Get Nailed

Nail Salon, Maiden Lane, NYC
Sunday afternoon, 3/30/08

People Make Things Difficult For Naomi Campbell

Cray-zay-zee beyatch is at it again. This time she's spittin' mad, yo.

I wonder which I'd prefer to be hit in the face by Naomi Campbell with:

  1. jewel-encrusted cell phone
  2. spit
  3. jewel-encrusted cell phone encrusted in spit

The Final Opening Week at Yankee Stadium

Get there before it's

Yankee Stadium, April 2, 2008

It was brisk n' chilly in the Bronx last night, but a good time was had by all (well, by me and the Toronto fans behind me) as we enjoyed some early Spring baseball. Yanks lost to the Jays 5-2. I documented the evening at the Cathedral--a place so near and so dear to the Yanks and their fans that they're getting the hell outta there to a brand new park next door. $9.50 for a small plastic cup of Yuengling at the old stadium--do the math on the beer prices at the new joint. More pics to follow, but here's a shot of the peanut guy to tide you over.

Yankee Stadium, April 2, 2008

All Went Well at the Dentist Yesterday

Thanks for asking.

Wednesday, April 02, 2008

Giada De Laurentiis Gives Birth, Eats Baby

"It was delicious!" said De Laurentiis. Sources say the baby girl was smothered in a balsamic reduction punctuated with cilantro and hints of onion. Poor kid didn't have a chance.

Read more about Giada here.

1965 Imperial Blueprint

The Hastings Hotel in Hollywood

I'm here all week. Paying by the hour.

Who Doesn't Love Quality Drugs?

Now with bacon.

My Wardrobe Blows

I hate my wardrobe. I hate shopping. I pick terrible clothes and in turn, they look terrible on me. I'm in the midst of a total fashion crisis, and I need rescued (as they say in Pittsburgh). Please nominate me for one of those makeover shows. I don't care if they trail me on the street looking' like shit with secret cameras, interview my friends and family, or go through my underwear drawer. NOMINATE ME.

Here are some things I dream about:

  1. Anne, your apartment caught on fire and every single piece of your clothing was burnt to ash. Hooray! Jaegerbombs all around.

  2. Anne, your luggage was lost and you'll never see those shirts, pants, jackets, skirts, or dresses ever again. I'm hungry. You?

  3. Anne, we donated all of your clothing. To a landfill. My dentist appointment is at 4 p.m.

Tuesday, April 01, 2008


No. Not really. Shhh. Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

I Could See Her Lookin' Fast in Her Faded Jeans

Kingdom of Heaven? I Could Nibble, I Guess!

Man, do I hate the world nibble.

Can I get an Amen, assholes?

Anne will be at the:


Hello Our Fantastic Friends, Fans, Foes and Lovers,

There is no KOH this Wednesday, because starting April 9th The KINGDOM OF HEAVEN goes WEEKLY! Wowza! This is exciting, huh? Also, April 9th is a very special show because it's Timmy and John's BIRTHDAY SHOW! Their birthdays are four days apart. Crazy, right? It's gonna be a night you will never forget, so don't forget to come to the show!Jesus F. Christ and Altar Boy Timmy might be hosting!

Plus, we may have an AMAZING SECRET SPECIAL GUEST as our COMEDIAN OF MERIT...It's a secret...and we hope it works out!Plus, you get TEN COMEDIANS opening the show with sweet Comedy Action!Also, SARA AND BRANDY will be making a special appearance!


JFOD and Timmy

Wed. 4/9

8PM (Sign up 7:30pm)

FREE@ The Creek and The Cave

10-93 Jackson Ave.

Long Island City, NY 11101


Directions by Subway

7 to Vernon/Jackson (one stop from Grand Central). Exit onto Jackson Ave. Walk one block north to 49th Ave.

E or V to 23 St/Ely Ave. Exit onto 44th to Jackson Ave. Walk five blocks south on Jackson to 49th Ave. V doesn't run on weekends.

G to 21 St/Van Alst. Exit onto Jackson Ave. Walk 3 blocks south (away from Citibank building) to 49th Ave.
S to Blowme Avenue. Exit onto Suckit Street. Walk 6 blocks up your ass (away from your face) to Hell.

15 Can Anne American Idol Wrap Up: Dolly Parton Songs

david cook: egg head
ramily: blows
castro: whatevs
carly: here you come again? that's my song, bitch--step OFF
archiletta: what? adorable and fag-a-docious.
kristy lee cook: coat of many colors hot n' superb at being average
sayesha mercado: thinks she's better than she is, and is a bad listener. don't reivnent a classic you idiot--how many times does simon have to tell someone not to do that?
michael johsn: i would bang him

i may even vote.

results live tomorrow night, yo. stay in to watch it or get a life.

ps i'm watching Hells Kitchen right now and i'm a little embarrassed. for it and me. and it. and me. signature dish: HEN IN A PUMPKIN?


A Handbag for Your Thoughts?

Some people surf the internet superhighway for big tits. Not me. When I'm feeling squirrelly, I like to surf for handbags. I don't actually purchase these things, I just like to look. I also like to read the product reviews, some of which are confusing. For example, regarding the bag pictured here,

kelly4H1 from Chicago said:

This is a great bag but it is huge. I Love giant bags but this one seems so much bigger than I expected. I love it though.
Good luck with the bag, Kelly! And your life.

Just Me n' My Dogs

Just kidding--the dog in my arms I'm holding for a friend.

I Only Sent Him Two Letters

Who knew John Cusack was still stalkable? I mean, back in the 80's was one thing, but...well, whatevs. Like I said, I only sent him two letters.