Thursday, July 31, 2008

Thank You, Facebook!

Hey, man! It's Henry. Henry Sullivan fom junior High. I'm so glad you picked up!! 'Member me?

Oh...Um...Henry? Henry. Sure. It must be 20 years. How did you get my...

Yeah I facebooked you the other day? What's goin' on, Jim! Jimbo! Good ol' Jimbo! 'Member me?

Um, sure. Yep. Homeroom, 1977. I remember. So...

So what are you doing? What have you been up to, Jim?

Well, ah, Kate and I are just about to put the kids to bed, and we're cleaning up after dinner... Um. You? So, what are doing these days? Do you have kids?

Actually, I'm in jail.

Jail? You're in jail?

Yeah, Jimbo. I'm kind of in a bind.

Oh, wow. So...what...happened?

Well, I took the bus today and sat next to a young guy sleeping with his head against the window.


And, well, somewhere between Edmonton and Winnipeg, I cut his head off.





Cool as a Cucumber but Hot as Balls

Doodle, NYC
July 26, 2008
2 more days to contribute $1
We hope to return with the following:
  • Doodle in one piece
  • Doodle's camera in one piece
  • 15 amazing shots of Doodle's Vermont Vacation from her perspective
Thank you in advance for your support!

I Invite You to Take a Dump on My Sofa

My beautiful new Floral Bouquet Sofa Cover in brown allows you to do just that. Or did you already? What about a piss? Hard to say when your sofa cover's got brown and yellow splotches all over it. Got dogs? Bring 'em over too. Get on up here on the couch, boys! Good boys. Sit.

Floral Bouquet Furniture Covers
"Lovely" floral print chair and sofa covers breathe new life into tired old furniture and cover up soiled upholstery. 100% polyester throws are fringed all around and have non-skid foam backings. Machine wash. Made in the USA.
Available in colors: Green (GRN), Beige (BGE), Brown (BRN), Rose (ROS) or Blue (BLUE)
Available in sizes: Love Seat (70" x 120"), Sofa (70" x 140") or Large Sofa (70" x 170")

Floral Bouquet Furniture Covers
- Large Sofa Cover
Item 68338
Choose Color: Color BGE/ Color BLU/ Color BRN/ Color GRN/ Color ROS
Quantity: As many as you can cram into your creepy crummy clutter cottage

There Will be Pie

"Ford Motor Co., Holmes trucks."
The Holmes Modern Bakery pie delivery fleet circa 1920 in Washington, D.C.
National Photo Company. from

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Monday, July 28, 2008

We've Got a Pill for ED But Is There Hope for Folks with PD?

PD: Personality Dysfunction

A common personality problem for men and women characterized by the consistent inability to communicate effectively or interestingly or the inability to "bring anything to the table" during an existing conversation and kill it, or both. Personality dysfuction can vary. It can involve a total inability to have anything to say, an inconsistent ability to do so, or a tendency to sustain only very brief, awkward conversations. Personality dysfunction is also called "annoying."

Save the Dates: Mortified

  • Monday, August 25, 8pm~ Summer's Over "Back to School" Edition
  • Monday, October 20, 8 pm
  • Monday, December 15, 8 pm

Pencil us in and check us out! And remember, if you or someone you know has the urge to share their mortifiying teen crap (diaries, journals, poems, song lyrics, school assignments, audio/video and more) onstage for total strangers (it's cathartic!), please go to We're always looking for new submissions.

Yours in angst,


Doodle's 9 Lives and Beyond 9th Birthday BLOWGANZA in Vermont!


Holy crap! Big news, kids, big news! In all the excitement over Doodle Goes to Camp I've completely forgotten to tell you that Doodle's turning 9--count 'em 9-- on Thursday, August 7 in Vermont. If you've been wondering what to get the little scamp who has everything for her 9th birthday, I encourage you to make a generous $1 donation to Doodle's Vermont Photography Project (see sidebar at right) on or before August 1. We've raised $21.43 so far towards her $60 customized cat camera which Mr. Lee said he'd ship in time for her vacation. Every lil' bit counts and Doodle and I thank you in advance for your support.



Saturday, July 26, 2008

Keith Walendowski: Another One of Anne's Heroes

AP photo

"Keith Walendowski is accused of shooting his lawn mower because it wouldn't start. According to the criminal complaint, Walendowski said 'I can do that, it's my lawn mower and my yard so I can shoot it if I want."
I Can Do That
a poem by Keith Walendowski
I can do that
It's my lawnmower
it's my yard
I can shoot it
if I want.

A Note From Adam Wade

Good People,
I sure hope you all can beat the heat and make it to the BIG show this Saturday!
It's an ALL STAR LINEUP and I will be giving away... FREE DONUTS!!!!!!

Full Details:
Saturday July 26th
'The Adam Wade From NH Show'
at Rififi
332 E. 11th St.
New York , NY
Cost: $5



(writer for SNL, Tough Crowd With Colin Quinn, The Chris Rock Show and Chappelle's Show, Mad TV)


currently writing LIVING WITH LYCANTHROPY: A Lifestyle Guide for the Modern Werewolf, with Bob Powers,
which provides newly infected werewolves with a workable road map for living an ethical, fulfilling, and near-violence free life through chapters such as How to Tell When the Moon is Full, Avoiding Detection, and So You’ve Attacked Someone, to Becky Cole at Broadway.
Yours truly,
ps: donuts

Friday, July 25, 2008

Don't These Remind You of My Aunt Mary?

For Soon-to-Be-Betrothed Whip with Love Always from Ubi

"Glen Echo, 1928."
Riding the Whip at Glen Echo amusement park in Maryland.
National Photo Company Collection glass negative.

Look Out the Window: Hollywood is Here

Lexington Avenue, NYC
Filmed a movie last night on my roof and the roof next door. I'm hoping its a romantic comedy starring a buried treasure hunting, shirtless Matthew McConaughey and your mother.

Oh, Like I Don't Have a Crush on the Captain

Thursday, July 24, 2008

This is What a Piece of Work Looks Like

Doodle, NYC
7/24/08, 10:15 pm
Someone's ready for vacation. For serious.

Mr. Toad's Wild Ride in 1924

"Found among family pictures, my father's good friends with their "new" vehicle circa 1924. Love the facial expressions."
submitted by cjhardy to

RIP, Estelle Getty!

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Oh, Like I Couldn't Eat a Million Blueberries?

I could.

I'm 99% Sure My Dad Sent This to Me

Who's Weird You or Me?

I know someone who when he eats, will eat each section of the meal at a time. In other words, in an entree featuring a meat, potato and vegetable, he'll first eat and finish the steak. Then, he'll go to potato, and when that's finished, the vegetables. Never will he mush things together, let alone will he have a bite of steak, then potato, then steak again, it's always 1, 2, 3, and each item must be finished before proceeding to the next. If it's a sandwich with fries, it's the entire sandwich then the fries, or all the fries, then the sandwich. His cousin also eats this way, but says the order of ingestion depends on the meat itself, adding that a meatloaf entree would allow for mixing of items.

Doodle's Vermont Photography Project

Doodle "Look How Bored I Am" Altman, NYC
July, 2008

Some folks have expressed interest in Doodle's potential to be a phenomenal photographer. She roams wild and free up in Vermont (radius is unknown at present, Cat GPS is next on the wishlist, though she is implanted with an ID chip in case she goes missing) killing defenseless creatures in her path. If you're one of those folks who wishes to contribute to her photography project by being an Any Amount Investor ($1 and up) in her $60 cat camera, see sidebar at right in order to do so. Deadline is August 1.

Here is the pro/con breakdown:

Pro: Potential amazing pics from Doodle's perspective with her very own camera.

Con: Potential risk of camera loss, as Doodle has delved deep into the puckerbrush and has come back home sans collar on more than once occasion.

Conclusion: In my opinion, worth the risk.

She's a Maniac, Maniac in the Store

And the Award
The Ugliest Pair of Shorts Someone Has Committed to by Immediately Ripping the Tags Off
goes to:

Anne Altman!


I'm so out of shape, I almost broke my arm trying to put a sports bra on.


I almost had a nervous breakdown while buying the ugly shorts in Century 21. Since the USA is the new Mexico, the entire EU is over here at Century 21 buying empty suitcases and cramming them with designer clothing and accessories at rock bottom prices with nary a "Thank you" or "Excuse me" or "I'm sorry your President is stupid and you can't afford to shop here anymore."

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Kindergarten Cute: If You Were Born in 1946, This is Your Life

"Baby boomers, first wave, all born 1946, showing how we were dressed for kindergarten. Notice how we don't look like gang members, convicts or concentration camp inmates. Of course, for class photo day, most of us had probably gotten decked out a bit better than normally, but still. By the following year a new school had opened up in Corte Madera and our class size shrank dramatically. That's me at the bottom right"
contributed by the always alluring tterrace to

Christian Bale Arrested on Assault Charges

For allegedly battering his mother and sister? Hmmm. What do we think about this? True? False?
Just look how hot he is on his way to the police station. I tell you this much, I'd let Christian Bale beat the shit out of me.
What? Oh, like I don't deserve it.

Pickle Pops

Frozen pickle pops? Are you kidding me? In plain and hot? I'm SO getting these.
Read about pickle sickle etymology here.

Monday, July 21, 2008

Ode to the Chick With the Fat Ass in the Blue Cotton Knit Dress

Good mornin, fair lass!
Pickin' your ass?
I see, I see!
So far times three!
Once exiting the subway door
A few times down the floor
Wait, did I see four?
Four times, picking the dress out of your ass?
It's early, only 9
Do you have the time
to be picking your ass all day? You do?
I've only known you a minute or two
and I agree, royal blue looks wonderful on you
But the dress is unkind to your physique
and to your crack
which is deep
Someone should have told you that knits are unforgiving
I realize I'm a creep
but it's true
You've really gotta lose that dress or have your ass cut off.

What Do Your Dreams Mean If You Dream About Decapitated Cat Heads?

Tough to say, according to the Dream Moods: What's in Your Dream? Interpreter.
My friend Liz and I have both dreamt about this gory subject in different ways in the past few weeks. The decapitated kitten at the hands and teeth of Doodle in her dreams didn't survive. My decapitated cat heads did survive sans body, completely happy and with no ill effects save for the fact that they were just heads and having no bodies, couldn't walk. They could, however, eat. Which was confusing to me at the time because how does a head poop? Anyway what does it all mean, I wondered? But punch in decapitated cat heads into the dream interpreter and you get:
Sorry, there are no matches for your request. For best results, narrow your search request to one or two words. Otherwise, feel free to contact us and we will work on an interpretation of this new symbol for future inclusion into the Dream Moods dictionary.

I'll Be at the Subway Inn--Gimme a Ring

Scenes from the Subway Inn on Friday, July 18, 2008
143 E. 60th St., New York, NY 10022 near Lexington Ave. 212-223-8929

Anne's Mad About Mad Men on AMC

The buzz is correct: Mad Men (Emmy nominated 16 times) is excellent. It's got the sex appeal of NYC in the early sixties. It's got the sex appeal of early 60s fashion. It's got the sex appeal of advertising. It's got the sex appeal of a predominantly sexy cast. Then there's the sex appeal of the sex itself. And then there's the wickedness. Sex coupled with wickedness? Please. What's not to love? AMC is doing a marathon of their first season now to catch you up for Season 2 which airs on July 27 at 10 pm. Dig it.

Sunday, July 20, 2008


Thanks to EVERYONE who so generously contributed to Doodle's Fresh Air Fund; because of you, I just purchased Doodle a round trip ticket to paradise! Also in the works: an automatic round-the-collar camera to record her wandering so I can post actual photographs taken by Doodle, that scamp. I emailed Mr. Lee in Germany to see if he'd express mail it. Will keep you posted.

Thank you, thank you, thank you all again, dear readers! Doodle thanks you too. I told her she's going away in a few weeks, but she doesn't seem to give a shit at present.


The Core

Eric Clapton with Marcy Levy. The Core. From the album Slowhand.

A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Gym

On the corner of 34th Street and Park Avenue a gaggle of Murray Hill Brats were standing in a circle wearing their spray tans, designer sundresses, flip flops, handbags and sunglasses. Two of the 5 girls said their goodbyes and went on their way. The remaining three hailed a taxi which stopped where I was standing. At first there was hesistation on their part, having thought perhaps I had hailed it. "No, it's yours," I said. As they piled in I wondered where this summer brunched up bunch was going on this fine Saturday afternoon. TriBeCa? Upper West Side? Upper East? West Village?

"Grand Central, please," they told the cab driver.

Grand Central? You could see Grand Central from where we were standing. Grand Central? Grand Central? Really? Grand Central! Grand Central is 8 blocks away!




Friday, July 18, 2008

Summer Fridays Mean

A lot of executives in the office are golfing from home today.

Shane From the Mailroom Gives the Dark Knight Two Thumbs Up, a Head Shake, and a Fist Pound

With hottie Chrisitian Bale and former hottie Heath Ledger, what's not to love, really?

Compliments of Sans Pantaloons

yet another example of the innovative stylings of

It's Raining Workin' Men in Philadelphia

In front of the Second Bank of the United States.
Philadelphia, PA
June, 2008

Thursday, July 17, 2008

I'd Like to See You in My Office Please

July 17, 2008 ~ 1:45 a.m.
23rd Street, NYC

Things That Ping Around in Andy Roddick's Dome Piece

Topless tennis star Andy Roddick apparently lives in my friend Petey's Manhattan neighborhood. Petey saw him walking down the street one day with his backwards baseball hat and hot girlfriend and some other dude, and he decided to quicken his pace to get behind them and see what a snippet of Andy Roddick's conversation is all about.

And this, my friends, is what it's all about:

Andy: (to girlfriend, whom he has his arm around):

"So this girl totally wanted me and I was like, ppppfffffffffff whatever!"

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

D.F.A.F: Doodle's Fresh Air Fund

Please, won't you help a sister help a sister out? Help Doodle get her skinny striped ass to Vermont this summer for Doodle's 6th Annual Kill Stuff in the Puckerbrush by the Babbling Stream Under the Vermont Moonlight 11 Day Mouse Murdering Festival Plus Take Huge Steamy Dumps Outside Under the Back Porch BLOWGANZA!

See, when you make a donation by clicking the PayPal button in the sidebar at right, not only to you get the satisfaction of making the dream of Doodle Goes to Camp a reality for a restless 7 pound terrorist cooped up in a spacious midtown apartment this shiteous economy (Jet Blue charges $100 each way for a pet stowed under your seat--up fifty beans from last year), you're getting Doodle off my jock for awhile. Love her to death, TO DEATH! But man, is she annoying when she's bored. And let me tell you, she's fucking bored. I just can't take the meowing. The lying around, the moping, the meowing. I've enjoyed a lousy five minute break from the annoying when she caught in midair (and immediately ate) the two stray flies that got in here. Then there's what she did to my houseplant. Then I've got to annoy her back by putting hats and wigs on her and take her picture she just hates that, and then we end up fighting. Look, bitch wants to go out and kill, okay? Let her kill! Please, won't you help her kill? Just a $1. Every $1 helps Doodle torture and kill, kill (or just torture and then it eventually dies) another defenseless creature, every $1 helps her eat another blade of grass, every $1? Another rewarding crap in the great outdoors.

Doodle and I thank you in advance--every bean counts!

so far: $110
to go: $90

Send $2.00 For a Set of 4x5s of Roger and Receive the "69" Jaguar Catalogue Free

Newspaper clippings from 1970: the latest delightful bits from Houseplant.

The Yankees Make Me Sick Too, Kid

Yanks v. BoSox @ Yankee Stadium
Saturday, July 5, 2008

Anne's Diet Today

  1. 1 cup Cheerios with skim milk
  2. 1 cup of black coffee
  3. 1 grilled Swiss cheese on whole wheat with tomato and grilled onions
  4. 1 side of onion rings with ketchup
  5. 1 iced tea
  6. 1 slice of vegetable pizza
  7. 1 diet Sprite
  8. 1 mailbox
  9. 1 cup of ball bearings
  10. 1 lawn chair
  11. 1 house fly (accidental)

Doodle Does Her Best Thinking on the Bathroom Floor

July, 2008

Buffalo's Own Bob Lanier

Bob Lanier, St. Bonaventure University graduate (Go, Bonnies!) and NBA hall of famer, required the largest size basketball shoe of any player during his career with the Detroit Pistons and Milwaukee Bucks. Guess his shoe size sans Google:

  1. 25

  2. 23

  3. 22

  4. 20

  5. 18

Have I Told You Lately How Much I Love Abraham Lincoln?

Abe Lincoln. Lawyer. Statesman. President. Reader. Writer. Thinker. And? Vegetarian.

"I am in favor of animal rights as well as human rights. That is the way of a whole human being" -Abraham Lincoln

Al Fresco Dining a la Philly

South 16th Street, Philadelphia, PA
June 6, 2008

Monday, July 14, 2008

Ann Carr Stars in Samantha Brown's New Commercial

Darling Ann (without an 'e' but I forgive her), looking fabulous in a yellow sweater, knocks this commercial right out of the ping pang park. Go, Ann, go!

Additional Seating Upstairs

July 4, 2008
a McDonald's near 2nd Avenue and 40th Street, NYC

Weird Wedding Photos Part MCLVVVMMVMV

1926 Maytag

Washington, D.C., 1926.
"Maytag Co. display at Industrial Exposition."
8x10 glass negative, National Photo Company Collection. from

Bing Bong Meow Meow Woof Woof Weeeeeeeeeee

Let's Move to Plymouth, Shall We?

Moving farther than an hour's drive from an ocean can make me nervous, but this city might be worth it. Wonder if my gay friends will join me. Ahem. Mall of America, fellas! Mall of America!

Lite Bite, Makin' Things With Light

If you feel like making things with light, knock yourself out here.

Friday, July 11, 2008

Matt McCarthy's Live at Gotham TONIGHT at 10 EST on Comedy Central

Mmmmore Mmmmmmatt MmmmmmcCarthy pppppplease? Okay.

Front Page Films

My peeps' new production company Front Page Films has some hysterical new shorts called Doctor. Check 'em out for some hee hee hahahahaha hee hees on this fine Friday. Or, don't. Perhaps you have better shit to do. Doubt it, but perhaps.

Random Mania Near the Milford Plaza in Times Square on a Saturday Night