Thursday, May 31, 2007

Doodle: She's Just Doodle

Doodle, May 30, 2007

Two Songs I Heard on CD For the First Time

My mother has always been ahead of her time. A reader. A visionary. Take technology for example. She wired her car for Blutooth technology (though she doesn't wear the earpiece thing in public, because she has a lot of class and whatnot). In layman's terms, this means that when I call her, a ringtone specific to me plays, she pushes a button on the steering wheel, and we converse. Back in the eighties when mobile phones were the size of toasters, my mother bought a CD player and ten compact discs. Two tracks from my mother's new CD collection I remember playing ad nauseam at top volume when nobody was home:

Bruce Springsteen's Downbound Train:

The Beatles: Maxwell's Silver Hammer

(clip from "Let it Be")

Everyone Has an Anthem

And sometimes that anthem happens to be their favorite song of all time. Here's mine.

TriBeCa, NYC, May 31, 2007

click to enlarge.

On a Scale From Hot to Terrible

I've decided that I'm a 9.5.

This is Hilarious Because I am Immature

Who Else But Norton & Mitchell?

For all your embalming needs.

Take our beloved Rover, for example.

Embalmed in '09. And in '10? Still good as new. Woof.

Kitty Cage Match: Upside Down Pool

Doodle: Windowfest 2007

Doodle, Memorial Day Weekend, 2007

I'm Sorry That Your Grandmother Has Cancer

But did you just say "elephant shoes?" I thought so! I know! They are so cute!

Now that you mentioned them, why don't you guess the number of people who mentioned my shoes tonight without my prompting? I don't remember! How about the number of people who raved about my shoes when I brought them up (which was all night)? Oh, I don't know, everyone?!?

Number of months I've been waiting for cabs to go finally credit card (but not equipped with t.v. screens):18

And the one night in my life I get into a taxi which is credit card capable, I'm flush with cash and so busy placing an elephant shoe into the "Oh, Shit!" Handle to show it off to a companion that I don't even notice the new technology until I get home and upload pictures to Flickr.


But hey, how cute are my elephant shoes!

I know!

Anne's Elephant Shoes, Made in China, May 30, 2007

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Weird Wedding Photos Part MCLLMCXIVVVV

"Let me lie you down on this comfortable barnacle-strewn rock. You're gonna love it."

I'm Spending the Night In Bar Harbor

And there's no bar. How do you like them apples? See you at the ice machine;
I have mini bottles.

Wow, How Time Flies

Fact: House flies have a life span of two weeks.

Fact: Doodle cat thinks flies are delicious.
Fact: Doodle won't eat ants.

Rochester, New York

It Beats the Crap Out of First Class

Interior of the lounge in a PSA Electra Jet circa early 1950's

"Hand-carved Chinese mural was custom made in Hong Kong just for PSA--the fastest air service between San Francisco, LA and San Diego-fully pressurized, radar equipped, a/c,
San Fran to LA $11.81, LA to San Diego $5.45..."
The "Kiku-no-ma" Lounge, on a DC Jet Carrier (circa1940's-1960's)


The Museum of Crime and the Museum of God

Tomorrow I'm going to see Luc Sante's new exhibit at apexart called The Museum of Crime and the Museum of God. It's looks weird and creepy. I like weird and creepy. Read a review of the exhibit here in Metro NY. If you like weird and creepy too, get to apexart before June 23.

Tonight I'll be at Mo Pitkin's to see Mortified. I'm not in tonight's cast, but instead I'll be in the audience snickering with empathy.

Weird Wedding Options Part VIII

Let him entertain you. Please.

Bluetooth in Ear Means Finger in Nose

What better way to say "You are unimportant to me," than to wear a Bluetooth earpiece while socializing with others? "In fact, you are so unimportant to me, that your presence here with me now means less to me to me than the prospect of a call from an unknown person." The very sight of these kills me. I can understand it if perhaps one is alone. And solely responsible for the welfare of the world. But just a regular old jerk? With a regular old jerky job? Luckily, I don't have any Bluetoothers in my life at present, but if I did, I would never tolerate it. As long as that thing stays in your ear, my finger stays in my nose. "But I might get a call!" Oh, yeah? Well, I might get a booger.

Weird Wedding Photos Part MMMCLLMCXIV

Who Wants Tapioca?

Monday, May 28, 2007

Charles Nelson Reilly Dead at 76

Rest in peace, Charles Nelson Reilly. Thank you for helping to pave the way for those of us who aren't considered "normal" and getting your ass on t.v. despite an ad executive telling you otherwise ("They don't put queers on television.") And thank you also for doing the game shows. I know you said they ruin a career, but Match Game would have been boring without you.

Jive Talkin' on Memorial Day

I bawled my eyes out during a PBS D.C. Memorial Day Special hosted by Colin Powell and Jimmy Smits and others. Came outta nowhere. Ok, not exactly nowhere. I cried when an actress (whose name escapes me right now) read aloud the letters a mother had written to her son every week while sitting in front of his headstone at Arlington. Gut-wrenching. This morning, I read that President Jackass went somewhere today to give his condolences to more grieving mothers. Makes me sick. Jive Talker. If I was one of those poor mothers and this SOB tried to give me a hug, I'd kick him in the junk. Or, to avoid a secret service beatdown, diss him like Alicia Silverstone blew off Elisabeth Hasselbeck, that's for sure.

"X-Ray" Dept. 16

Was anyone else as obsessed with the comic book ads as much as I was? I'd say I got 50% of my enjoyment of comics like Archie from pouring over those back-page promises of x-ray vision, life-sized inflatable dolls, and saying goodbye to your 90 lb weakling. Please, squirting pens, snapping gum, handshake buzzers and whoopie cushions? I was all over that shit. Down!

Sunday, May 27, 2007


I Kinda Want One of These

Kicky Earworm

Thank Miss Brandy Barber for this little ditty. It's gonna bounce around in your head awhile, so enjoy the ride.

"young folks" by peter, bjorn and john with victoria bergsman of the concretes

Doodle: Windowfest 2007

Doodle, Memorial Day Weekend, 2007


The Arabia Steamboat Museum, Kansas City, MO

December 2006's Smithsonian Magazine had a great article by Fergus M. Bordewich on the fate of the Arabia Steamboat. A submerged tree sank the Arabia in 1856 while making its journey which began in the Monongahela River in Pennsylvania. Among it's passengers were soldiers to forts in Montana, Mormon settlers on route to Utah, and it's cargo contained thousands of items for barter or sale in the Western frontier. The boat sank in less than ten minutes, but all 130 passengers and the crew survived.

I work in a highrise in lower Manhattan in a building with sweeping views of the waters which surround the tip of the island. The boats I see are the water taxis to New Jersey, the Staten Island Ferry, and occasionally a tug pushing a barge. In Mark Twain's day, the waters would have been bumper to bumper steamboats. They were the SUVs, and the rivers in which they navigated, the I95.

David Hawley and his brother and father searched for the remains of the Arabia deep below the cornfields of Kansas, land which was once river. What they found in the excavation is incredible, a real buried treasure of the historical kind. A time capsule from 1856. A case of brandied cherries, whale-oil lamps, syrup jugs, overcoats and top hats, bottles of wine, "Dr. Hostetter's Stomach Bitters," lice combs, jars of skin cream, flasks of perfume, Parisian buttons, glass beads imported from Italy and Bohemia, clay pipes, and my favorite: a jar of pickles.

I found the pickle part fascinating because, well, I totally love pickles (Hello, Quiznos pickle bar), but also because my Grama Altman was quite a pickler back the day. She had a garden from which she canned and jarred vegetables and fruit with amazing results. When we were selling the old house, we decided to have a kegger to clean the joint and remove it's remaning contents. When we opened up the door to Gram's root cellar (She said "root" like it rhymed with "foot") we found a jar of electric green pickles from the early seventies. My Aunt Betsy said she remembered Gram had put too much food coloring in that season. Our friend Carol grabbed the jar, opened the top, and it went "Pop!" and she ate a pickle without even a second's hesitation. We recoiled in horror. She said it was good.

Naturally, I was curious about the state of a pickle jar 100 years more vintage than the electric green variety, particularly a batch submerged in water and dirt for 20 more than that. Story has it that a fellow excavator of the Hawleys named Jerry Mackey also opened this particular jar just minutes after they had unearthed it, and he passed it around the group. No takers. "Well, I'm starving," said he, as he picked out a pickle and bit off the end --while everyone else held their noses-- "That's one very good pickle." Awww, pickling. You're an awesome process! Provided, of course, you're done correctly and you pop like you're supposed to.

The Hawleys started a museum which contains the remains of the Arabia and it's contents (over 700 objects) aptly named the Arabia Steamboat Museum. The next time (the first time) I'm in Kansas City, I'm paying a visit! Time capsules: Awsesome. Incidentally, there may be a time capsule buried in the backyard of my old house in Swampscott, Massachusetts, folks, containing some crap from 1976. Warning, before you all start booking flights to Boston and start digging, you must know there's the chance it's already been unearthed. By me. I never was one for that patience thing. I seem to remember digging it up in 1977 because I couldn't wait (or I wanted something out of the box), making it significantly less interesting. Ah, well. Me. Sigh.

Elisabeth Hasselbeck Sucks

I still love Rosie, and for once, I love Donald Trump. Apparently he has since sided with Rosie in this recent meow meow on The View by saying something to the effect of "Elisabeth Hasselbeck is one of the dumber people on television." Word. Word to the Big Bird word.

Who's Gonna Come to My Emotional Rescue?

I Need This Doorbell

You Guys Won't Recognize Me After Memorial Day

It's Time For Electric Avenue and You Know It

For Danielle: Phils Rule

Oh, like this isn't the best song ever? Please.

It is with great pleasure that I introduce to you, Easy Lover, by Phil Collins and Philip Bailey. Let me tell you somethin': She'll get a hold on you, believe it. Before you know it? You'll be on your knees. So, you might want to get ready for that shit. Ok, bye.

Saturday, May 26, 2007

Sniff-n-the Tears, 1979

Where this song puts me (please note, the video is subtitled with incorrect lyrics, just go with and karaoke like you know you want to):

Back at a birthday party at Cheryl Yanofsky's house after she had moved to those condos near the mall. There was dancing. I remember Driver's Seat playing and Larry Kahn doing the "steering wheel." Sharon was there."Membah that, Sha?"

Holiday Inn, South Topeka, Kansas

Good luck finding vacancy here this weekend, folks! Fuggeddahbadditt!

Hell to the Yell, Whitney

You go, girl.

Doodle: Windowfest 2007

Doodle, May 25, Windowfest 2007

Google This and You Get Two Can Anne

Another search in which I'm proud to be featured in its results. Someone out there with an internet connection found themselves wanting to know about huge dumps. (Who wouldn't want to know about them?!) Naturally, they googled the words. And they found me. :) Remember: When you want to know about huge dumps, come on over to Two Can Anne. You'll be glad you did. Or just really pissed about the false advertising. Whatevs.

Brilliant Homeless Dude: Outside 1 Liberty Plaza

Outside 1 Liberty Plaza in Manhattan, 7:16 a.m.

BHDO1LP: [smoking cigarette] --puff, puff--GIMME SOME COFFEE."--puff, puff--

You: [silence]

BHDO1LP: --puff, puff--GIMME SOME COFFEE.--puff, puff--

You: Sorry.

BHDO1LP: --puff, puff--GIMME SOME COFFEE.--puff, puff--

You: I said, no.

BHDO1LP: --puff, puff--GIMME SOME PUSSY THEN. --puff, puff--

Something Good and Something Gross

Good: Bacardi Silver 03. Tastes like a nice diet creamsicle soda. But with a kick--so vacuuming the house on a Saturday night of a holiday weekend by yourself makes you feel like you could be at a BBQ, and if you squint, the sofa covered in cat hair looks more like a swimming pool. Provided you have tunes on and a cute hat. Oh, and your new elephant shoes.

  • Gross: Organic Goji Berries. Don't shop after happy hour. I had two beers (Two Can Anne), and I bought these afterwards while stumbling around Whole Foods. I sincerely regret the purchase. Sure, goji berries are apparently the secret to immortality, and the first flavor to hit your tongue is sweet. But then sweet turns to salty, followed immediately by a strong rotten fish eyeball finish which lingers. Tastes like death. Ironic, no?

My Favorite Poet and You Know It: Billy Collins

I love Billy Collins' poetry. It's easy for me to understand, and it's always funny, wistful, and poignant. Here's a sonnet called "The Golden Years" which Mr. Collins describes as a sort of a epitaph to those animals displaced by the ubiquitous, fast-sprouting gated communities of suburban sprawl in which human retirees go

The Golden Years

All I do these drawn-out days
is sit in my kitchen at Pheasant Ridge
where there are no pheasant to be seen
and last time I looked, no ridge.
I could drive over to Quail Falls
and spend the day there playing bridge,
but the lack of a falls and the absence of quail
would just remind me of Pheasant Ridge.
I know a widow at Fox Run
and another with a condo at Smokey Ledge.
One of them smokes, and neither can run,
so I'll stick to the pledge I made to Midge.
Who frightened the fox and bulldozed the ledge?
I ask in my kitchen at Pheasant Ridge.
-Billy Collins

Sangria, Anyone?

When it's hot as balls outside, the best thing to do is drink your ass off. It doesn't have to be Cinco de Mayo to drink sangria, people. It just has to be hot as balls. Try this recipe:

Sunset Sangria
  • 2 cups Jose Cuervo Golden Margarita (a mix of tequila, Grand Marnier, and lime)
  • 2 cups dry red wine
  • 1 lemon, 1 lime, 1 orange, all sliced
  • 1 cup seedless grapes, sliced
  • 1 large pitcher

Mix all ingredients in the pitcher and refrigerate until chilled.

Garnish with orange slices and serve on the rocks. Drink. Don't drive, jerk.

Hot as Balls

Friday, May 25, 2007

Hey, I've Got an Idea

Click here. Feed an animal for free, G!

You Know It's True, Stop Lyin'

Two Can Anne's Dictionary: Blonde Surprise

blonde surprise*: ~noun:

What you call a dude who turns out to be blonde when you meet him in person. Not the hot dark-haired fella whom you had fantasized him to be. Generally not an appealing surprise, to meet a blonde. Once a person recognizes that they have just been surprised by a blonde, the event is usually followed by a sigh.

~synonyms:disappointment. bummer. lame.

Sorry, toeheads. Blondes don't float my boat. Or whatever the kids are saying these days. Liz ain't keen on them either. So...beat it.

*term created by liz.

Elephant Shoes Means I Love You in Lip Reading Kinda

Surely I've mentioned my brand new elephant shoes? They're so adorable. So so so so so so so cute. I pity the fool who hangs out with me tonight when I'm wearing these puppies. Not only will I ignore everything that you do or say, I will constantly interrupt you with comments like the following:

  • "Can you believe how cute these are? They had 'em in a kitty too, but those were gold and I wanted silver. More versatile. Don't say anything to Doodle."
  • "Did you see my new shoes? Lookit!"
  • "Nineteen beans, bitches. Alright, 20 beans. At Century's. [pointing to my toes] Cute! And comfortable! Even when they were attached with that plastic zip cord, I could tell just hobbling around that they were gonna be comfortable."
  • "Look at my shoes. They are so cute!"
  • "Hi, I'm an elephant!" (impersonates an elephant by weakly bringing my elbow up to my nose and swaying it outwards like a trunk)
  • I hate to interrupt you guys, but I just wanted to point out something: (points to shoes) Got it? Good. Glad to hear it.
  • Seriously (points to shoes), have you seen shoes this cute in a long time? No, no you haven't. I know! They're awesome!
  • "Did you notice the elephants? At first you just think it's like a flowery decoration, right? I know! They're so cute!"
  • "Hey, (twiddling my toes), remember us? The cute shoes? Hey! Yay!"
  • "We've been talking and talking and drinking and drinking and you haven't complimented me on my cute new elephant shoes in like, a long time. At least a half hour. Bring it. Tell me good stuff about my shoes and why they're so great."
  • "OMG, 'member when I didn't have these cute shoes and then it was like, bang! Suddenly I had them, and nobody can imagine life without me having them, you know?"
  • "Oh, hi, shoes! I love you."

We Get It

Dear Kelly Ripa (top left in photo at right, click to enlarge),

Yes, you're skinny. We get it.




PS: You too, Renee Zellweger. You're skinny too. We get it. You don't have to stand in that Hands-Clutching-the-Hips-Fucked-Up-Contortionist Pose for us to see that you're skinny too.

PPS Renee, one more thing, may I ask you if there any other reason why this happens to be your favorite pose? Because it's really terrible. When you pose like this, your favorite way, you appear to have a disfiguring disease that forces you to stand hunched over. A severe scoliosis, if you will. Or what the Elephant Man had. It makes people uncomfortable. Take me, for example. It makes me uncomfortable. And you don't even have what he had, so why the heck are you standing like that? Gas? A clever way to squeak out a toot? Your intestines seizing because from lunch at that fuckin' Sam's Falafel Cart across the street from my office--which, I might add, I've warned you and everyone else in the world who reads this blog about as the post falafel experience can only be described as Violent)--, but whatevs. I can't tell you what to do.



YES, yes I can. For the love of Christ will you STOP DOING THAT?!!?!!

You're not gonna get any straight men to marry you with that vogue. Would you stand up straight, push those titties out and get your shit together, already? Thanks. Bye.

Weird Wedding Photos Part MLLCVVXCVV

I Miss You, Ginsu!

Weird Wedding Photos Part MCMCXIVVVV

I Bought a Pair of Shoes With Elephant Heads on Them

$19 at Century 21. Adorable.

Happy Memorial Day Weekend, Folks!

During that jovial summertime kick0ff BBQ you were invited to, please take a few minutes to remember our fallen troops and those who remain in harm's way, ayite? It SUCKS over there.
I'll be staying at the Admiral. Let's meet at the pool for a few highballs.

Weird Wedding Photos Part MCLLMCXIVIXXXX

Are they in a bounce castle? Kinky...

An Email I Just Received From My Sister

"i just fell off a pogo stick and broke my head and ass."

Thursday, May 24, 2007

Anne Loves Vegas So Much

Dearest Readers, I realize that you've all been dying to know about my trip, so after much thought, I've decided that it's only fair to share "what happened in Las Vegas" with you. So brace yourselves, because it was wild. It was crazy. It was naughty. It was the most funnest excellent time ever! Please enjoy the video we made. It's so awesome! Almost as awesome as Vegas! But nothing could ever be that awesome, because Vegas is the awesomest!

Got Mountain Jam?

That Was a First (and Not a Last)

Something that happened to me that has never happened to me before:

I receieved a death announcement and a birth announcement in the mail today. Oh, and a cable bill.


Add to that this other related "fun" fact: I got a completely separate set of news in the form of an impending death announcement on email ("She was moved to hospice...") and a pregnancy announcement via text (Guess who's having another baby?!) on Tuesday.


But it shouldn't be weird. It happens everyday. People being born and people dying. But yet, it seems weird and always comes as a surprise. And the death part is always terrible and so painful. Perhaps nowadays death is considered so taboo because life is more sanitized and we're sheltered from the idea of the croaking. People generally live longer, healthier lives. We don't live on farms and slaughter our own food. We have state-of-the-art embalming and wakes in funeral homes (as opposed to stinkin' up the family parlor for a few days in a simple pine box. No shit red pungent roses became a popular funeral accessory, man). And sure, our country is at war, and people are constantly dying prematurely, but we have an administration trying like hell to cover up the badness. [Newsflash, retards: We're not retards].

But perhaps it's human nature for us to push death to the back burner most of the time, otherwise, how would we live? Ten years ago, I almost bit the dust tumbling down a hill ass-over-teakettle on a four-wheelie which had flipped. And we weren't even drunk. I was on the back rack on a pillow, my cousin on the seat, and her husband in front of her at the wheel, when suddenly the power cut out as we were putting up a 9o degree angle. I remember thinking to myself (during a violent series of somersaults with my chin twisted unnaturally under my neck), "Wow. I can't believe I'm gonna go like this. This is so embarrassing. Shit. Ah, well. Lame. But what can I do? Other than AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhh...." As it turns out, I didn't go that way, but survived the "outsid-ent" (as opposed to an "incident"--it did happen outside, afterall) with a bone bruise on my shin the size of an Easter ham. It was decorated with a lovely set of treadmarks where the machine had rolled over it at high speed before crashing into a tree. I still have a dent in my leg. Oh, memories. 'Member 'em?

What I'm trying to say, people, is...I have no freakin' idea. The way I see it, suddenly you're born, you move around for awhile, then you die. You die either young, old, or somewhere in between. And your death is either peaceful, violent, or none of the above. If you had a good life, then that's good and you're lucky, and if it was bad, then that's too bad and that sucks. And if your life was bad, that doesn't necessarily make you a bad person, and if your life was good, it doesn't necessarily mean that you were a good person. Essentially, while you're here, you're really only killing time. Might was well laugh about it, so surround yourselves with the funny.

Got it?


My peep Eric Lewis sums up death pretty nicely I think in this delightful cartoon featured in The New Yorker.

And with that, I'm going to resume my Throw Away Nine Things a Day project so that I don't die with a lot of crap. That's a big burden for the family, people, have some consideration so they don't have to make too many trips to the dump with your closets full of QVC skincare products and your insane friggin' Hummel collection.

Snake vs. Gator

Call it a draw.


Dear Idiots,

Please stop funding the inhumane exotic wildlife trade. You are not equipped to take care of a python, an alligator, a cheetah, a monkey. Chicks don't think it's cool that you have animals like these in your crappy apartment, and they're still not going to bang you. It's cruel, not cool. And you're even more lame when you realize that the animal has grown out of the Mr. Turtle pool so you then dump it in the nearest body of water.

Thanks. Bye.

First Train through the Tunnel ~ NYC~ 1908

Under the Hudson River
"Tuesday Eve, May 12 '08 Going through the tunnel"

Matt Searsllhoff

Could I have some carpet fibers with that burger? Folks, Matt Sears has done it again. And when I say "done it again" I mean, he's gotten hammered and videotaped himself. This time a la the Hoff. Quel homage! Fantastique!

Talk About a Fat Cat

Our President is a Forkin' Ice Hole

Sorry, but it's true. I know you people come here to try and forget about the fact that the end is near (or nigh, if you roll that way) but it's been a long time since I've mentioned the obvious so it just had to be said. Again: Bush blows, as does the economy, and the war is not going "well." Pardon the interruption.

As you were.

Three Sentences I Heard in the Same Meeting

  1. "It goes acrost all lines of business."
  2. "That depends where your office is at."
  3. "You should be skeptic."

Weird Wedding Photos Part MCMMMCXIVIIIIXVVV