Top Ten Reasons Why My Retainer is in My Junk Drawer

10). It might fit one day

9). It's in such an adorable round bright baby blue vintage case

8). Mom said never to lose it because it was expensive, and one time after we had our ritual post-shopping lunch at Jordan Marsh I lost it (having taken it out and put it in a napkin so that I could eat; not wise, in retrospect), full-on panicked, FREAKED OUT, got it back, and swore to Mom, Dad, God, Santa and myself that I'd never lose it again

7). It's there to scare away other retainers from coming into the junk drawer

6). It has my name on it

5). It was expensive, remember?

4). It's a great conversation piece

3). It's a roof-of-my mouth-shaped metaphor for my fear of growing up

2). I like to take it out and touch it sometimes (not true)

1). Helloooo, I'm a HOARDER

I wrote this piece on Saturday, September 11, the day I cleaned out the junk drawer. 9/11 is always generally sad for New Yorkers, but this year, 9 years later, it was especially sad for me. I'm not sure why. I see Ground Zero out my office building window and am reminded of it 5 days a week, you'd think I'd be a little impervious to it now. But the weather was almost exactly the same; a sunny day and not one cloud in the blue sky. Anyhow, I think it's time to memorialize the retainer with a photo and a proper burial (most likely in a garbage can). It's either that or I make it into an intriguing piece of jewelry that grosses everyone out who gets a closer look. Still undecided. Either way, it's being evicted from the junk drawer. It hasn't paid rent since 1981.