Sunday, May 31, 2009
Look What Doodle Did: Photography by Doodle
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Tonight! Family Hour with Auntie Sara: Summer's Eve Edition Featuring Yours Truly
Friday, May 29, 2009
Nice Work if You Can Get It
He replied, "Well, I can tell you we wouldn't be sitting in traffic right now."
Guess What? Queen Victoria is Dead
Texting with Tuna the Fish
Thursday, May 28, 2009
The Contents of Lincoln's Pockets on His Last Earthly Night
Check out more old stuff in the WSJ article by Alexandra Alter, "Next Age of Discovery."
Summer Share: Tonight at Fortune Cookie Cabaret!
This Summer, not everyone can afford the Hamptons.So join Comedian Sara Jo Allocco instead and celebrate "Summer Share"Sizzling hot comedians, Icy cool drink specials, plus Swimmingly cool games, prizes and more! Comedy’s a beach but someone has to host a summertime show.
Summer ShareFortune Cookie Cabaret (under Lucky Cheng's)
24 First Avenue (btwn 1st & 2nd St)
$4 Bottles/$5 Signature Summer Cocktail
And the show? Free.
See you there.
Bosox in First Place!
Facing Life in Prison on Multiple Murder Charges is Hilarious!
"I didn't understand why they had seat belts on the toilet until after I had a couple of meals here."
~Drew Peterson on a Chicago radio show (which he called collect from jail), to the sound effect of a drum roll played by the show's hosts. Da-dum-ding!
More on Mr. Cuckoo Pants from the Associated Press:
"He also said he misses his children and has prayed and read the Bible during his imprisonment.
Peterson is charged with first-degree murder in the 2004 death of his third wife, Kathleen Savio. He is also a suspect in the 2007 disappearance of his fourth wife, Stacy Peterson.
He denies wrongdoing."
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
New Series: Two Can Anne Joke of the Day
Answer: In his sleevies.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Don't Even Get Me Started on This Jon & Kate Plus 8 Stuff
Guess What, Crappy Eyeliner Sharpener? You're Going in the Garbage!
Texting with Tuna the Fish
~ May 19, 7:53 pm
I'm Not a Celebrity...Get Me Out of Here!
Details on how this break will break out to follow.
Monday, May 25, 2009
Comedy Relieves Recession Stress-ion: 3 Shows for Free in NYC
- Thursday, 7 pm, Sara Jo Allocco's Summer Share @ Lucky Cheng's Fortune Cookie Cabaret. Because we can't all afford the Hamptons. I'll be there; won't you?
- Friday, 7:30 pm, Anne Altman's Misery Date @ Ochi's Lounge. Because dating is almost as bad as being in a bad relationship. Hosted by Anne Altman. Featuring dating tales by Adam Wade, Brian Christensen, Katina Corrao and Jenn Wehrung!
- Saturday, 9 pm, Sara Benincasa's Family Hour with Auntie Sara @ Ochi's Lounge. Because family is funny. Featuring fambly tales by Anne Altman and many more!
Let's Go Sox
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Misery Date: Online, Blind and Simply Ridiculous Dating Stories!
Joe Jackson, Happy Lovin' Couples, 1979
The late, great Joe Jackson and I cordially you and the other half of your happy lovin' couple to my new show, Misery Date, at Ochi's Lounge which debuts Friday, May 29 at 7:30. Hope to see you there! PDA allowed but not encouraged.
MISERY DATE: Online, Blind, and Simply Ridiculous Dating Stories - Are you single and frustrated? Perpetually the 3rd wheel? Sexless and the City? Anne Altman (Mortified, Two Can Anne) feels your pain because she's experienced the lion's share of terrible dates in this town: Cheap Guy, Gross Guy, Dumb Guy, Silent Guy, Militant Zionist Guy, "No Doubt About It" Guy (his favorite phrase), Creepy Vasectomy Guy, Nice Guy (never saw him again), Yoga Guy, Guy Who Smelled Like a Hamper, Yellow Rubber Bracelet Guy, and she could go on. Oh, and she will--misery loves company, so she's invited some similarly disenchanted folks to share their miserable stories for a cathartic evening of laughs, pity, a sliver of hope! All that plus some frosty beverages from the bar, what's not to love?
Hosted by Anne Altman.
This is Why He's Hot: The Typical Yankee Fan
Friday, May 22, 2009
Tonight: Yanks v Phillies at the New Yankee Stadium
You know what they say: "Cheap's good, free's better."
I Don't Know What Miss Manners Says
Sitting on the crapper in the Ladies' Room with your pants around your ankles as you converse on your cell phone just isn't right. It isn't. Unless you're on the phone with a doctor (or a friend with a clean pair of pants) because you're in the middle of an immobilizing, explosive emergency, I can't imagine it's right. It's not right. It's not.
Today is People Need to Die Friday
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Today is Punch in the Face Thursday
Texting with Tuna the Fish
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Get Yourself a Porkslap Tonight at Mortified
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Does Anyone Remember Carrol's?
It's a Red Sox Doxie's Life on 35th Street
I met Coco on my way home from work the other day. I spotted her as she kept plopping down on her walker's shoes for a sit, totally not in the mood for a walk. Coco just wanted to lie in the hot sun. Ridiculously adorable. Ridiculous Coco! A Red Sox fan! In this town? Just like me!
Monday, May 18, 2009
Tuesday is Today
Learn to Disco Diesel
Believe it or not, even better.
I Won't Live Long Enough to See Myself in This Hairdo
But is it an old-lady given? I think it is. At this age your choices become:
Someone's Apartment Stinks!
Read Some Evil, Hear n' See Some Evil: Anne in May
Mortified! Wednesday, May 20 at 7 pm at Le Poisson Rouge!
Hailed a "cultural phenomenon" by Newsweek and celebrated by the likes of This American Life, The Today Show, The Onion AV Club, Esquire, Entertainment Weekly, Daily Candy, and more, Mortified is a comic excavation of teen angst artifacts (journals, letters, poems, lyrics, home movies, stories, and more) as shared by their original authors before total strangers. As the largest and longest running project of its kind, our grassroots comedy collective has spent years sifting through hundreds of otherwise forgotten notebooks on a mission to celebrate the extraordinary lives of ordinary people.---all in the noble pursuit of self-degradation--so come share the shame! Our two books, Mortified: Real Words Real People Real Pathetic and Mortified: Love is a Battlefield are in bookstores now and make great gifts! Visit http://www.getmortifie... for more info. Share the shame. Mortified is produced in NYC by Anne Altman and Julia Wright.
Reserve seats! $10 tickets on sale now! ($15 day of show + 2 item min)
Misery Date on Friday, May 29 at 7:30 pm at Ochi's Lounge!
MISERY DATE: Online, Blind, and Simply Ridiculous Dating Stories - Are you single and frustrated? Perpetually the 3rd wheel? Sexless and the City? Anne Altman (Mortified, Two Can Anne) feels your pain because she's experienced the lion's share of terrible dates in this town: Cheap Guy, Gross Guy, Dumb Guy, Silent Guy, Militant Zionist Guy, "No Doubt About It" Guy (his favorite phrase), Creepy Vasectomy Guy, Yoga Guy, Guy Who Smelled Like a Hamper, Yellow Rubber Bracelet Guy, and she could go on. Oh, and she will--misery loves company, so she's invited some similarly disenchanted folks to share their miserable stories for a cathartic evening of laughs, pity, and a sliver of hope! Hosted by Anne Altman. Free with a cocktail! www.annealtman.blogspot.com
Family Hour with Auntie Sara on Saturday, May 30 at 9 pm Ochi's Lounge! Featuring Anne Altman!
FAMILY HOUR WITH AUNTIE SARA - The New York Post calls Family Hour one of NYC's top alt-comedy shows! The New York Press and Metromix.com also recommend our magically dysfunctional story-fest featuring comedians from Comedy Central, MTV, VH1, NBC and the movies talking about family in a manner that is not at all appropriate for actual families with actual children. Hosted by Sara Benincasa (Nerve.com, MTV News, Sirius) with Kambri Crews (The Moth, LoveDaddy.org). Free with a cocktail!
Unattractive Slacks Make the Woman
This leaves me one pair of pants left in the closet.
Friday, May 15, 2009
Eating Out of the Garbage
I shared this story with my colleague this morning:
"Oh, you should be fine. My sister does that all the time."
"Yeah, but she has a stomach of steel."
"But doesn't your sister have Down's Syndrome?"
"Well, yeah, there's that. She also eats worms. She said they taste like chicken."
Fever: It's Hot
Animal and Rita Moreno. The Muppet Show.
Heat. Heat. Heatness.
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Can't Afford the Hamptons? Thank Goodness!
The last time I was in the basement of Lucky Cheng's must have been about ten years ago. It was the wee hours of the morning, and I had just finished my bartending shift at sister restaurant Waikiki Wally's next door. As I sipped a nightcap to take in some terrifically terrible karaoke, a drag queen who had just finished her waitressing shift offered me some cocaine off the end of a key.
"No, thanks, but thank you for thinking of me."
"It's okay, honey. You sure? (sniff sniff) Yeah. Somebody just gave it to me. (sniff sniff)"
This Summer, not everyone can afford the Hamptons.
So join Comedian Sara Jo Allocco instead and celebrate "Summer Share"
Sizzling hot comedians, Icy cool drink specials, plus Swimmingly cool games, prizes and more! Comedy’s a beach but someone has to host a summertime show.
Fortune Cookie Cabaret (under Lucky Cheng's)
24 First Avenue (btwn 1st & 2nd St)
Every other Thursday* starting May 14th!
$4 Bottles/$5 Signature Summer Cocktail
On the 14th we welcome:
Katina Corrao (HBO, Comedy Central)
Jesse Popp (Comedy Central's Premium Blend)
Jay Bois (Psychedelic Knights of Zohar)
Eliot Glazer (UCB)
Baron Vaughn (VH1, MTV, Comedy Central)
Featuring Summer Anthems from your favorite Jersey Shore maestro, DJ Pandemic! (Anthony DeVito)
*Almost every other
Texting with Tuna the Fish
-Anne to Tuna, May 13, 11:30 pm
Macarena: Last Time
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Bravo's Real Housewives of New Jersey
One Week Until Mortified NYC! May 20, 2009
Esmerelda stole the diamonds. She had broken into Sylvia's beautiful castle and stole them. Sylvia, a very rich lady who lives there. So, Sylvia overheard a conversation between Esmerelda and her friends. From that she knew Esmerelda was coming for her gold. But Esmerelda needed her friends and they were to go there first. So Sylvia wrote a letter saying in Esmerelda's friends' handwriting, "Return the diamonds or else!" And she did. So Sylvia lived happily ever after.
Sure, "The Mysterious Letter" might not be mortifying, but there's no mystery in the fact that it's a ridiculous piece of crap. For maximum angst and mega mortification come share the shame with brave folks who will bare their teen souls for an experience that is comedic, cathartic, and creepily voyeuristic:
It's Springtime for Mortified!
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
at Le Poisson Rouge!
***Advance reservations recommended--tickets on sale now here! ***
What is Mortified?
Hailed a "cultural phenomenon" by Newsweek and celebrated by the likes of This American Life, The Today Show, The Onion AV Club, Esquire, Entertainment Weekly, Daily Candy, and more, Mortified is a comic excavation of teen angst artifacts (journals, letters, poems, lyrics, home movies, stories, and more) as shared by their original authors before total strangers. As the largest and longest running project of its kind, our grassroots comedy collective has spent years sifting through hundreds of otherwise forgotten notebooks on a mission to celebrate the extraordinary lives of ordinary people.
Mortified is produced in New York by Anne Altman and Julia Wright.
Share the shame!
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
I Don't Believe in Karma / I Do Believe Kindness
I saw some serious sack animals at the vet today, including my own lil' Doodle Cat who was with the dentist this morning to get her world rocked with a weigh-in, a rectal thermometer, some intravenous drugs, a catheter, a dental cleaning and a surprise front-tooth yanking. I don't have good health insurance for myself, let alone Doodle Bug, but she needed to go, I'm hopelessly in love with her, and it had to be done. But what if she didn't have me?
Sasha Pup still looked miserable, barely holding up her head and limping along, but she was dealing. I'm to understand she may need a hysterectomy or something, and truly I wish her and human companion (who was understandably frantic about Sasha's condition this morning) the best! Oh, Sasha.
Cranky's Home! And Mighty Glad to Be Here!
Feed a Fuzzy, Furry, or Feathery Friend in Need for Free
Doodle's at the Dentist!
RIP, Chuck Daly; Viva Pennsyltucky
Monday, May 11, 2009
Two Can Anne Poll: Bert or Ernie?
Calling All Dudes: The Perfect Girl for You! Now With Less Noise!
I swear I worked with this broad at a midtown law firm back in the early '00's. Her name was Kyoko. She was boring and annoying! Super frustrating combo.
Oh, and for you? Well, there's a girl for you too, you creep.
Sometimes I Think This Horoscope Stuff is Horseshit, Seriously
You’ll find that you have the opportunity to do something rather out of the ordinary at some point today, which will be a welcome break from the routine. Activities that bring you closer to the great outdoors will appeal: from ice-skating to paint-balling, you should embrace your adventurous side!"
Cat Nip + Scratching Post = Mania + Cat Nap
Prom Dress Drive Location: The Princess Chambers
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Happy Mother's Day, Mothers!
Went with her, and is with her still:
Rock from New England quarried;
Now granite in a granite hill.
The golden brooch my mother wore
She left behind for me to wear;
I have no thing I treasure more:
Yet, it is something I could spare.
Oh, if instead she'd left to me
The thing she took into the grave!
That courage like a rock, which she
Has no more need of, and I have.
~Edna St. Vincent Millay, Mine the Harvest, 1945
(photo: Achomawi Indian Mother and Child from www.old-picture.com)
Saturday, May 09, 2009
The Soup: Chicken Tetrazzini
Joel McHale, Maury, and the Case of the Chicken Tetrazzini.
CHICKEN TETRAZZINI MAKES HOME WRECKIN' EASY
1 (8 oz.) can mushrooms
2 tbsp. butter
1 tsp. salt
1/8 tsp. pepper
2 c. diced cooked chicken
1 can cream of celery soup
1 c. sour cream
1 (8 oz.) pkg. noodles, cooked
Slivered almonds, if desired
Saute mushrooms lightly in butter. Add salt, pepper, chicken, soup and sour cream. Mix. Drain noodles and arrange in long baking dish. Top with chicken mix. Sprinkle liberally with Parmesan cheese (and nuts if desired). Bake at 350 degrees for 25 minutes.
It Occurred to Me While Watching Mutiny on the Bounty
If You Know Where My Watch Is
Friday, May 08, 2009
Doodle Loves This Vid
I Don't Know Where the Scissors Are But Let's Stab You in the Neck When We Find Them
Found it on The Church of Lost Souls. Thanks, Creep. I think.
30 Days for 30 Minutes Challenge: Today's Results
It doesn't matter how much or how little you use it; you gotta keep your stuff tight, kids! Question: Is there such a thing as Kegels for the face? Because truthfully, one of my biggest, deepest, darkest fears about getting old isn't getting wrinkles: It's getting "Old Person Mouth." Otherwise known as "Old Man Mouth" or "Old Lady Mouth." Or the "Bug Zapper." I see it in the office, I see it on the subway, I see it on Broadway, and it's not a pretty sight; Old Person Mouth is downright disturbing. And if you're my friend, the very moment you see me shuffling around going about my business catching flies with my droopy lax jaw and my mouth agape, you will either:
1) Fund a small, non-invasive, cosmetic procedure that will fix my problem (which is, when you think about it, your problem actually, because you're the one who has to look at me).
2) Insist I'm only seen in public wearing a stylish hat/creepy bonnet/helmet with chinstrap
3) Drag me out into the street and shoot me right in ye olde wide-opene piehole.
Thank you all for your cooperation in advance.
Tonight, we Kegel AND snowboard!
Doodle to the Paparazza: I'm Not Fat!
Ok, you're not fat, Doodle, but you gotta admit, you do photograph like fat ass from time to time. One can barely see the dust (or the new vacuum cleaner) for the trees of your ridiculous attitude. And don't even get me started on those whiskers of yours; whiskers like those will get you thrown out the window. Because everyone knows that your ridiculous whiskers are why you're whiskdiculous.
Get Your Fresh Roases Turkey Swisses Here
When Did The Creepy Hillside Honda Salesman Lose Your Attention?
Gibson Warren Haynes '58 Les Paul
Thursday, May 07, 2009
Did You Know: Miss California USA Carrie Prejean
Walk This Way
A Simple E-Mail Can Prevent People From Pooping Their Pants
Today between the hours of 10:00am and 5:00pm, film crews will be
filming a TV show and simulating an evacuation and mock emergency
response scenario in the vicinity of 20 Exchange Place in Manhattan.
Wednesday, May 06, 2009
Doodle: She'll Annoy You Wit the Cute
Doodle's tests came back! She's healthy enough to have her teeth cleaned at the vet on Tuesday, and it's all day: I drop her off at 8 a.m. and pick her up at 4 p.m. The 300+ beans it will cost for this is twice what I paid for my teeth cleaning two weeks ago. This whole "Doodle Needs Her Teeth Cleaned" idea seemed like a better one before I was notified yesterday of multiple increases in my living expenses that are beyond my control. I'm trying to quiet the voices in my head (HOLY F*CKIN CRAP WHAT THE F*CK?????????? WHAT IN THE BLOODY F*CKING HELL AM I GONNA F*CKING DO FOR CHRISSAKES?????F*CK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!F*CK!!!!!!!!F*CK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) for the time being, figuring that any money I spend on this little turd now is preventative care to keep her healthy which will save me dough down the road. And if not, there's always the window toss.
Tuesday, May 05, 2009
For That September 11th Feelin'
Bay RIdge Nissan & Nissan of Manhattan - "Taking Over"
If you watch a Yankee game on the YES Network, you see this commercial every 9 minutes. As you can see, we New Yorkers have mellowed out quite a bit since September 11, 2001. Nothing--not even enormous buildings crashing into our faces-- phases us. Why? Because we're not just Americans, we're New Yorkers. And New Yorkers don't take shit from a lousy Tsunami of Mini Malls and we certainly don't let it fuck with our taxis, hotdogs, shopping, photo shoots, and hoops. FUGGGEHDABOUDITTTT!
|“Daddy doesn’t hate the Yankees. Daddy has issues with the Yankees.” (Father talking to his son.)|
ID: 51445, Published in The New Yorker May 20, 2002
Monorail Cat Only Crazier
NYC Prom Dress Drive
~ photo from Duryea.com~
Graduation and college decisions were being made, but we all know what
our main focus was....PROM! We all can remember that memorable day (both
good and bad) like it was yesterday. We know we wanted to feel glamorous and
have THE dress. Unfortunately for many young ladies, for many reasons,
especially financial, will not be able to go to the prom.
So, I am contacting the fabulous ladies I know, both young and mature at heart
because this is an issue we need to address! I know for myself, I've
never worn that dress again, and I know for sure a lot of ya need to think
back where on earth you put it. Today I am asking you to donate those prom
dresses/formal dresses, shoes, accessories that you don't/ have not worn
nor see yourself wearing again. This is a time I believe as over rated
as it may be, is as important for them as it was for us. So please spread
the word let ya girls know, little sisters, cousins, former students, youth,
etc. that I'm collecting prom wear/ accessories. The goal is to have a
"Boutique" at the end of May/ First week of June at a location TBA with
girls who need dresses.
There are projects in other states titled the Cinderella Project and the
Ruby Room, but there aren't many in NYC. Let's help these young ladies
make this day special regardless of financial struggles their parents
may be facing. I have chosen not to participate in this recession and
believe that other won't have to with the blessings of others.
Have a wonderful day!
So let's donate, folks! You just know you have stuff crammin up those closets to share, clutterbutts!