Sunday, May 31, 2009

Look What Doodle Did: Photography by Doodle

The Gallery without Pants ~ May, 2009

Sans is now the proud owner of Doodle's photography! Doodle Cat photographed the Vermont sunrise as she sat in the tall grass one August morning in 2008.

Thanks for sharing the new installation and Russian coldie with us, sanspantaloons

Saturday, May 30, 2009

Tonight! Family Hour with Auntie Sara: Summer's Eve Edition Featuring Yours Truly

Family Hour with Auntie Sara: Summer’s Eve Edition
Fresh family tales from brilliant comics! 

Saturday, May 30, 2009
9:00pm - 10:30pm
Ochi's Lounge at Comix
353 West 14th St. just east of 9th Avenue
New York, NY
It’s almost June! You get FREE COOKIES! Yeah!

Kevin Allison 
Anne Altman 
Kenny Zimlinghaus
Rob O’Reilly 
Calvin Cato 
Micah Sherman 
Harry Terjanian 
Melanie Hamlett

Friday, May 29, 2009

Nice Work if You Can Get It

I was discussing death with our in-house actuary this morning, a normal topic of conversation for us. He said that once during a long car trip his buddy asked him, "If you had the power to kill people and not get caught, would you do it?"

He replied, "Well, I can tell you we wouldn't be sitting in traffic right now."

Guess What? Queen Victoria is Dead

Here's footage from her funeral in 1901. Oh, and there's a good chance everyone else in the vid is dead too. Cheers. 

Texting with Tuna the Fish

"I just made a man cry in my office. What kind of monster have I become?"

~ May 21, 5:07 pm

Thursday, May 28, 2009

The Contents of Lincoln's Pockets on His Last Earthly Night

Can be seen now online via the American Memory section of the Library of Congress which has photographs of what Lincoln was carrying his last, infamous night at the theater. Featuring the The Alfred Whital Stern Collection of Lincolniana. Are you more interested in Christopher Columbus's diary from 1493? The World Digital Library has the Columbus Manuscript scanned for your viewing here.

Check out more old stuff in the WSJ article by Alexandra Alter, "Next Age of Discovery."

Summer Share: Tonight at Fortune Cookie Cabaret!

This Summer, not everyone can afford the Hamptons.So join Comedian Sara Jo Allocco instead and celebrate "Summer Share"Sizzling hot comedians, Icy cool drink specials, plus Swimmingly cool games, prizes and more! Comedy’s a beach but someone has to host a summertime show.

Summer ShareFortune Cookie Cabaret (under Lucky Cheng's)

24 First Avenue (btwn 1st & 2nd St)


$4 Bottles/$5 Signature Summer Cocktail

Full Bar!

And the show? Free.

See you there.

Bosox in First Place!

Doodle, NYC ~ October, 2008

Facing Life in Prison on Multiple Murder Charges is Hilarious!

"I didn't understand why they had seat belts on the toilet until after I had a couple of meals here."

~Drew Peterson on a Chicago radio show (which he called collect from jail), to the sound effect of a drum roll played by the show's hosts. Da-dum-ding!

More on Mr. Cuckoo Pants from the Associated Press:

"He also said he misses his children and has prayed and read the Bible during his imprisonment.

Peterson is charged with first-degree murder in the 2004 death of his third wife, Kathleen Savio. He is also a suspect in the 2007 disappearance of his fourth wife, Stacy Peterson.

He denies wrongdoing."

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

New Series: Two Can Anne Joke of the Day

Question: Where does the General keep his armies?



Answer: In his sleevies.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Don't Even Get Me Started on This Jon & Kate Plus 8 Stuff

And by that, I mean start it up, because I'm about to rip 2 people 8 new ones. Neither of those people is you, and neither of those people are me, and neither of those people are the 8 innocent spawn born to these incredible a-holes. More tomorrow when I have the time and proper energy for a double shot of  the "I'm Gonna Rip You a New One x 4" Party. 

Guess What, Crappy Eyeliner Sharpener? You're Going in the Garbage!

'Cause I've got ten more! Why I was hanging on to you, I'll never know. 

Go suck it in a landfill, crappy eyeliner sharpener! Gawd! 

Texting with Tuna the Fish

"So I see this guy limping down the sidewalk, and I say, "Hey, you've got a nice ass for a cripple."

~ May 19, 7:53 pm

I'm Not a Celebrity...Get Me Out of Here!

Anne needs a break.

Details on how this break will break out to follow.

Monday, May 25, 2009

Comedy Relieves Recession Stress-ion: 3 Shows for Free in NYC

Memorial Day Greetings

Let's Go Sox

Let's get it together, Bosox. The Mets are playing amazin' Mets baseball, and it's not good for us. Sure, we share a hatred of the Yankees, but it's not enough to make us friends; 1986 was a humiliating year. I know you were only wee toddler at the time, Jacoby, but you'll have to trust me on this, it sucked. Especially if you had a smack-tawwlking, married-in uncle who grew up awwn Lawwwwng Ayegland. Ugh. That was awwwwful. 

Sunday, May 24, 2009

Misery Date: Online, Blind and Simply Ridiculous Dating Stories!

Joe Jackson, Happy Lovin' Couples, 1979

The late, great Joe Jackson and I cordially you and the other half of your happy lovin' couple to my new show, Misery Date, at Ochi's Lounge which debuts Friday, May 29 at 7:30. Hope to see you there! PDA allowed but not encouraged. 


MISERY DATE: Online, Blind, and Simply Ridiculous Dating Stories - Are you single and frustrated? Perpetually the 3rd wheel? Sexless and the City? Anne Altman (Mortified, Two Can Anne) feels your pain because she's experienced the lion's share of terrible dates in this town: Cheap Guy, Gross Guy, Dumb Guy, Silent Guy, Militant Zionist Guy, "No Doubt About It" Guy (his favorite phrase), Creepy Vasectomy Guy, Nice Guy (never saw him again), Yoga Guy, Guy Who Smelled Like a Hamper, Yellow Rubber Bracelet Guy, and she could go on. Oh, and she will--misery loves company, so she's invited some similarly disenchanted folks to share their miserable stories for a cathartic evening of laughs, pity, a sliver of hope! All that plus some frosty beverages from the bar, what's not to love?
Hosted by Anne Altman.

This is Why He's Hot: The Typical Yankee Fan

After a tough loss to Philly on Friday at the New Yankee Stadium
Up in da Bronx, NYC ~ Friday, May 22, 2009 

Friday, May 22, 2009

Tonight: Yanks v Phillies at the New Yankee Stadium

I'll be there in red.

You know what they say: "Cheap's good, free's better."

I Don't Know What Miss Manners Says

But Miss Anners Says:

Sitting on the crapper in the Ladies' Room with your pants around your ankles as you converse on your cell phone just isn't right. It isn't. Unless you're on the phone with a doctor (or a friend with a clean pair of pants) because you're in the middle of an immobilizing, explosive emergency, I can't imagine it's right. It's not right. It's not.

Today is People Need to Die Friday


Thursday, May 21, 2009

Today is Punch in the Face Thursday


Texting with Tuna the Fish

"Sure, every pot has a lid, but what if you're an All-Clad sautee pan?"

~Tuna, May 19 , 6:23 p.m. 

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Get Yourself a Porkslap Tonight at Mortified

Le Poisson Rouge serves Porkslap! Enjoy a few of these delightful coldies as you laugh your bingbang off with the brave souls who are about to Mortify themselves tonight at 7 pm.

See you there!

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Does Anyone Remember Carrol's?

From the "vintage Olean page" of
I do! I don't recall ever visiting this drive-in version in Olean, but I do remember the going often to the Carroll's in the East Rochester, NY area. They had prizes in their fries-ez. I think most Carolls' turned into Burger Kings. Here's a message board about Carroll's. Viva Central and Western New York! RIP 15 cent anything.

It's a Red Sox Doxie's Life on 35th Street

East 35th Street, NYC~ May 15, 2009

I met Coco on my way home from work the other day. I spotted her as she kept plopping down on her walker's shoes for a sit, totally not in the mood for a walk. Coco just wanted to lie in the hot sun. Ridiculously adorable. Ridiculous Coco! A Red Sox fan! In this town? Just like me!
She was really starting to make a scene.

Monday, May 18, 2009

Tuesday is Today

Who's Tuesday Taylor? Why, she's the posable fashion doll with hair you can change from blonde to brunette...and back again!

Melanie Goodman totally had a Tuesday Taylor Doll. It's one of the reasons I why I liked her.

Learn to Disco Diesel

Believe it or not, even better.

I Won't Live Long Enough to See Myself in This Hairdo

Lexington Avenue, Near the W Hotel, NYC ~ May 18, 2009, 6:15 p.m.

But is it an old-lady given? I think it is.  At this age your choices become:

1) Beauty-parlor, back-combed, teased, curled, and sprayed helmet 

2) Au natural, patchy-bald, a la baby-bird

3) One (or several) fierce wig (s) 

Ok. Can you leave the matching bags and her loud coat/strange square bum crack out of it for a second and concentrate on the hair?

Lexington Avenue, Near the W Hotel, NYC ~ May 18, 2009, 6:15 p.m.

Didn't think so. Look, people. Growing old is rough. And growing old gracefully is a most difficult task for any living thing, but the world is a particularly cruel place for an old lady. Here she is, someone who was quick on her feet (note pic #2, folks passing her left and right on the street) and fertile once, someone who most likely has given life to others, a woman who was once flush with real live blush in firm dewy cheeks and up to the chin in relentlessly bouncy boobies, and now, well.  Now, nobody pays attention to her. And when they do, 9 times out of 10, it's never for a good reason. Think about it. How often do you hear, "Hey, that old lady doesn't smell like pee!" Not much. 

Viva old ladies. May you never smell like pee. 

Someone's Apartment Stinks!

That's what I uttered as I put the key in the door tonight. 

Turns out it was MY apartment. 

Yep. Turns out ol' Annie here put Doodle's fakakta food bowl soaking in water on her stovetop before she left for work.  Annie's stovetop is a stove: a pilot light sits delightfully lit beneath, rendering it a veritable Friskies Moldy Meaty Bits Air Freshener, filling the air with moldy meaty bits for close to 12 hours. 

I was so embarrassed I sprayed Lysol in the hallway. And Lysol smells like puke, considering it's generally sprayed when someone does puke, so the whole experience is terrible. For everyone. Everyone except Doodle, who was probably wondering for 12 hours, "When's dinner ready, already?"

Who wants to come over? No? Me neither. Ok, who wants to gag? Me too. 

Read Some Evil, Hear n' See Some Evil: Anne in May

Mortified! Wednesday, May 20 at 7 pm at Le Poisson Rouge!

Hailed a "cultural phenomenon" by Newsweek and celebrated by the likes of This American Life, The Today Show, The Onion AV Club, Esquire, Entertainment Weekly, Daily Candy, and more, Mortified is a comic excavation of teen angst artifacts (journals, letters, poems, lyrics, home movies, stories, and more) as shared by their original authors before total strangers. As the largest and longest running project of its kind, our grassroots comedy collective has spent years sifting through hundreds of otherwise forgotten notebooks on a mission to celebrate the extraordinary lives of ordinary people.---all in the noble pursuit of self-degradation--so come share the shame! Our two books, Mortified: Real Words Real People Real Pathetic and Mortified: Love is a Battlefield are in bookstores now and make great gifts! Visit http://www.getmortifie... for more info. Share the shame. Mortified is produced in NYC by Anne Altman and Julia Wright.
Reserve seats! $10 tickets on sale now! ($15 day of show + 2 item min)

Misery Date on Friday, May 29 at 7:30 pm at Ochi's Lounge!

MISERY DATE: Online, Blind, and Simply Ridiculous Dating Stories - Are you single and frustrated? Perpetually the 3rd wheel? Sexless and the City? Anne Altman (Mortified, Two Can Anne) feels your pain because she's experienced the lion's share of terrible dates in this town: Cheap Guy, Gross Guy, Dumb Guy, Silent Guy, Militant Zionist Guy, "No Doubt About It" Guy (his favorite phrase), Creepy Vasectomy Guy, Yoga Guy, Guy Who Smelled Like a Hamper, Yellow Rubber Bracelet Guy, and she could go on. Oh, and she will--misery loves company, so she's invited some similarly disenchanted folks to share their miserable stories for a cathartic evening of laughs, pity, and a sliver of hope! Hosted by Anne Altman. Free with a cocktail!

Family Hour with Auntie Sara on Saturday, May 30 at 9 pm Ochi's Lounge! Featuring Anne Altman!

FAMILY HOUR WITH AUNTIE SARA - The New York Post calls Family Hour one of NYC's top alt-comedy shows! The New York Press and also recommend our magically dysfunctional story-fest featuring comedians from Comedy Central, MTV, VH1, NBC and the movies talking about family in a manner that is not at all appropriate for actual families with actual children. Hosted by Sara Benincasa (, MTV News, Sirius) with Kambri Crews (The Moth, Free with a cocktail!

Unattractive Slacks Make the Woman

My colleague told me to donate the slacks I'm wearing to the Salvation Army. Unless, of course, I want to spirit 18 honey hams out of a deli undetected.

This leaves me one pair of pants left in the closet.

Friday, May 15, 2009

Eating Out of the Garbage

Last night after a lengthy happy hour with the work kids, I found myself home and hungry. The only thing in the kitchen was a box of pizza I had forgotten to put back in the refrigerator which had been sitting out on the counter for 17 hours. Not of sound mind and in desperate need of nourishment, I reasoned that if I toasted a piece of room temperature counter pizza in the toaster oven, any bacteria would be baked off and rendered edible. It tasted fine. This morning, I'm not so sure my decision was wise. I fear gastrointestinal violence is imminent and unavoidable.

I shared this story with my colleague this morning:

"Oh, you should be fine. My sister does that all the time."


"Yeah, but she has a stomach of steel."

"But doesn't your sister have Down's Syndrome?"

"Well, yeah, there's that. She also eats worms. She said they taste like chicken."

Fever: It's Hot

Animal and Rita Moreno. The Muppet Show.

Heat. Heat. Heatness.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Can't Afford the Hamptons? Thank Goodness!

That scene blows anyhow. Come on down and join me and the doll-faced, sassy pants-ed, foul mouthed Sara Jo Allocco for her debut of her new bi-weekly variety show, Summer Share at Fortune Cookie Caberet under Lucky Chengs! All the cool kids are gonna be there. Oh, and it's in your budget: it's free.

The last time I was in the basement of Lucky Cheng's must have been about ten years ago. It was the wee hours of the morning, and I had just finished my bartending shift at sister restaurant Waikiki Wally's next door. As I sipped a nightcap to take in some terrifically terrible karaoke, a drag queen who had just finished her waitressing shift offered me some cocaine off the end of a key.

"No, thanks, but thank you for thinking of me."

"It's okay, honey. You sure? (sniff sniff) Yeah. Somebody just gave it to me. (sniff sniff)"

Uh-huh. No doubt. People just give cocaine out all the time.


This Summer, not everyone can afford the Hamptons.
So join Comedian Sara Jo Allocco instead and celebrate "Summer Share"
Sizzling hot comedians, Icy cool drink specials, plus Swimmingly cool games, prizes and more! Comedy’s a beach but someone has to host a summertime show.

Summer Share
Fortune Cookie Cabaret (under Lucky Cheng's)
24 First Avenue (btwn 1st & 2nd St)
Every other Thursday* starting May 14th!

$4 Bottles/$5 Signature Summer Cocktail
Full Bar!

On the 14th we welcome:

Katina Corrao (HBO, Comedy Central)
Jesse Popp (Comedy Central's Premium Blend)
Jay Bois (Psychedelic Knights of Zohar)
Eliot Glazer (UCB)
Baron Vaughn (VH1, MTV, Comedy Central)

Featuring Summer Anthems from your favorite Jersey Shore maestro, DJ Pandemic! (Anthony DeVito)

*Almost every other

Texting with Tuna the Fish

"Eating on the subway begins after they walk but b4 they talk. saw it unfold w a series called "Cheese Popcorn & Nilla Wafers: How It Ends Up on the Floor. And the Seats."

-Anne to Tuna, May 13, 11:30 pm

Macarena: Last Time


Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Bravo's Real Housewives of New Jersey

Real Housewives of New Jersey on Bravo? Fuggeddaboudit: I knew I'd be hooked, and I am. When there were only 3 minutes remaining in the series debut last night, there was a tear in my eye; there's no possible way they can show all this stuff they showed before the commercial break in 3 lousy minutes!!! Tease! If you missed RHONJ because you lead a fulfilling life, go to bed early, or don't enjoy loving to hate terrible awesome stuff, here's a molto bravo recap of the season premiere by Richard Lawson for Gawker's Defamer.

One Week Until Mortified NYC! May 20, 2009

"The Mysterious Letter" by Anne Altman, 1979

Esmerelda stole the diamonds. She had broken into Sylvia's beautiful castle and stole them. Sylvia, a very rich lady who lives there. So, Sylvia overheard a conversation between Esmerelda and her friends. From that she knew Esmerelda was coming for her gold. But Esmerelda needed her friends and they were to go there first. So Sylvia wrote a letter saying in Esmerelda's friends' handwriting, "Return the diamonds or else!" And she did. So Sylvia lived happily ever after.


Sure, "The Mysterious Letter" might not be mortifying, but there's no mystery in the fact that it's a ridiculous piece of crap. For maximum angst and mega mortification come share the shame with brave folks who will bare their teen souls for an experience that is comedic, cathartic, and creepily voyeuristic:

It's Springtime for Mortified!

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

7 pm

at Le Poisson Rouge!

***Advance reservations recommended--tickets on sale now here! ***

What is Mortified?

Hailed a "cultural phenomenon" by Newsweek and celebrated by the likes of This American Life, The Today Show, The Onion AV Club, Esquire, Entertainment Weekly, Daily Candy, and more, Mortified is a comic excavation of teen angst artifacts (journals, letters, poems, lyrics, home movies, stories, and more) as shared by their original authors before total strangers. As the largest and longest running project of its kind, our grassroots comedy collective has spent years sifting through hundreds of otherwise forgotten notebooks on a mission to celebrate the extraordinary lives of ordinary people.

Mortified is produced in New York by Anne Altman and Julia Wright.

Share the shame!

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

I Don't Believe in Karma / I Do Believe Kindness

Here's a little post I wrote for GlobaLove Tank tonight, inspired by Doodle's visit to the clinic today:

I saw some serious sack animals at the vet today, including my own lil' Doodle Cat who was with the dentist this morning to get her world rocked with a weigh-in, a rectal thermometer, some intravenous drugs, a catheter, a dental cleaning and a surprise front-tooth yanking. I don't have good health insurance for myself, let alone Doodle Bug, but she needed to go, I'm hopelessly in love with her, and it had to be done. But what if she didn't have me?

Doodle couldn't wait to get out of there this afternoon, poor thing. But she was in amazing shape compared to poor Sasha, the sweetest, saddest most gentle doll of a 6-year old pooch I've ever seen. She was in the waiting room too this morning, vomiting and beyond miserable. And she can't tell us what's wrong with her! Imagine that? Not being able to scream, "What are my symptoms? WHAT ARE MY SYMPTOMS? My stomach fucking hurtS, I'm hot as an inFerno, and iM ABOUT TO BLOW CHUNKS ALL OVER THIS WAITING ROOM!" Sure, Doodle was to undergo major anesthesia, and I had to sign a waiver saying that if she died in the surgery all was A-OK with it, but at work, my mind was more on Sasha and how she was doing.

When I went to fetch Doodle post-surgery (the staff in the back re-named her Cranky, not surprisingly), I learned from the receptionist that poor Sasha Pants was to spend the night and was resting wrapped in blankets under a heat lamp. The vet tech explained Doodle's pain meds with me when another tech appeared from the back with Sasha--outfitted in a pink cast--to take her for a walk.

Sasha. On her way back from a "walk." Having the RUFFest of days (poor girl didn't have the eye boogers in the morning) would you look at those eyebrows and that tail? Ouch. Lady is in a world of hurt but in the right place. 
5:15 p.m. ~ May 12, 2009.
Sasha, feel better soon! xxoxoxxoxoo!

Sasha Pup still looked miserable, barely holding up her head and limping along, but she was dealing. I'm to understand she may need a hysterectomy or something, and truly I wish her and human companion (who was understandably frantic about Sasha's condition this morning) the best! Oh, Sasha.

My point? Life is hard. Times are tough. Everything sucks. And when we're feeling low, hopeless and helpless, helping other creatures is the fastest feel-good thing you can do for yourself and in turn, others. The most vulnerable in any circumstances are the innocent and defenseless, and shelters like Bide-a-Wee (Scottish for "Stay while!") improve the lives of suffering animals through rescue, veterinary care, and adoption outreach.

Doodle (aka Cranky), home from the vet with way more drugs and one less tooth. May 12, 2009 ~ NYC

Did you know that adopting an animal improves the lives of humans? It's true! When I encountered Doodle ten years ago, sitting on the shoulder of the girl working the coat check of an underground Caviar Bar where I was 6 Russian vodka martini-soaked sheets to the wind, I was in no shape to adopt anything. But when Doodle was delivered to my apartment the next morning (3 hours later--did I really give out my card?), my life was changed for the better almost instantly, and she has brought me nothing but unconditional love and joy. And the occasional barf on the carpet. But it's 99% joy. If you can't adopt right now, you can still help make a difference: Feed an Animal for FREE simply by clicking HERE! Every click at is a free bowl of food!

Thanks in advance for being kind. Rewind! 

Peace, meows and woofs,

Anne & dOoDLE

Cranky's Home! And Mighty Glad to Be Here!

Yep, apparently that's what they call ol' Doodle at Bide-a-Wee, "Cranky!" I about died when the vet tech brought Doodle out and explained her medication and asked me if "Cranky" was mine. "Excuse me, did you say, Cranky?" She replied, "Oh, I'm sorry. Yeah, that's what everyone back there has been calling her. She's had it with us. Is it... Doodle Kitty?" 

"It's fine, she answers to Cranky, " I laughed. (That's my girl, I thought.)

"Yeah, so here's her pain medication, we had to pull a tooth, a canine, the enamel was eroded and the nerve was exposed. I tried to take her arm bandage off, but like I said, she's really had it with us today. She's done."

I put my hand up to the window screen of the bag with "Hi, Doodle." She recognized me and responded with a low growl. "Yep," I said. "She's done."

Doodle has never been weirder or happier to be home. She spent the first hour wandering around, marking me and all the furniture with the side her face, fussing with her arm bandage, completely at a loss with what to do with herself, jumping up on the window sill, almost falling off, and looking out at the birds, people, and cars. Then she ate a little of her favorite food, Friskies Tender Chunks. And though she followed me around relentlessly, it was nearly impossible for her to stay still for a photo. Here's what I got in the order I took them:

Doodle: Veterinarian War Veteran

Um, did you know that a canine is one of those big sabres in the front? Doodle lost her left one. Obviously. Teeth make the face, I tell you. Click for more ridiculous. 

Doodle, Back from the Vet, a Lil' More Relaxed with More Drugs and One Less (Front) Tooth 
May 12, 2009 ~ NYC

Thanks to everyone (and special thanks to Doodle's patrons Sans Pantaloons, Whipcreamy, and Ramona) for their support and concern. Cranky's gonna be just fine, and better than ever! XoXo

Feed a Fuzzy, Furry, or Feathery Friend in Need for Free

Simply by clicking here!

Thank you.

Doodle's at the Dentist!

Doodle, NYC ~ May 11, 2009
Doodle was not pleased about me taking away her food and water last night, and this morning, she was downright beside herself. There was no getting her in the bag either, as I had to chase her around the apartment; her love for the vet obviously dimished since our last trip. Getting a "Before" shot of her orange teeth was also not an option, so I'll have to go into the archives, or you'll have to take my word for it. When we arrived at bideawee, we waited with a beautiful and very sad pooch named Sasha. Poor Sasha was vomiting, sick as a dog, and far less thrilled than Doodle to be there, ears down, eyes big and wide. I had to sign a form releasing the shelter of responsibility if Doodle died (WIDD-What If Doodle Died?) from the anesthesia which wigged me a little, but I call at noon to follow up, and with hope, I pick her up at 4:00. Paws crossed, kids!

RIP, Chuck Daly; Viva Pennsyltucky

Kane, Pennsylvania's own, St. Bonaventure Bonnie, and Detroit Pistons' Chuck Daly dies at 78 .

Monday, May 11, 2009

Two Can Anne Poll: Bert or Ernie?

10 (41%)

14 (58%)

Calling All Dudes: The Perfect Girl for You! Now With Less Noise!

I swear I worked with this broad at a midtown law firm back in the early '00's. Her name was Kyoko. She was boring and annoying! Super frustrating combo.

Oh, and for you? Well, there's a girl for you too, you creep.

Sometimes I Think This Horoscope Stuff is Horseshit, Seriously


You’ll find that you have the opportunity to do something rather out of the ordinary at some point today, which will be a welcome break from the routine. Activities that bring you closer to the great outdoors will appeal: from ice-skating to paint-balling, you should embrace your adventurous side!"

Paint-balling. Paint-balling? Paint-balling! Please. I haven't been paint-balling in two weeks! Substitiute "riding the downtown local bus 25 blocks in 45 minutes with bluehairs and teenagers" is more like it. Totes the "welcome" break" from the routine I was searching for! And so refreshing, too! Like a slow, dry, greasy breeze. 

Cat Nip + Scratching Post = Mania + Cat Nap

Doodle, NYC ~ May 9, 2009

Prom Dress Drive Location: The Princess Chambers

The Prom Dress Boutique will be at the South Oxford Space in Ft. Greene, Brooklyn located at 138 South Oxford St. on Thursday, May 21, 2009 between 4 p.m.-7 p.m. and Saturday, May 23rd from 1:30 p.m. to 4:45 p.m. Please email me if you have any dresses, shoes or accessories jammin' up your closet you can donate to a great cause; you just know you do! Not in NYC? Items can be shipped...

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Happy Mother's Day, Mothers!

The courage that my mother had
Went with her, and is with her still:
Rock from New England quarried;
Now granite in a granite hill.

The golden brooch my mother wore
She left behind for me to wear;
I have no thing I treasure more:
Yet, it is something I could spare.

Oh, if instead she'd left to me
The thing she took into the grave!
That courage like a rock, which she
Has no more need of, and I have.

~Edna St. Vincent Millay, Mine the Harvest, 1945
(photo: Achomawi Indian Mother and Child from

Saturday, May 09, 2009

Mount Doodmore

Doodle, NYC ~ May 8, 2009

The Soup: Chicken Tetrazzini

Joel McHale, Maury, and the Case of the Chicken Tetrazzini.


1 (8 oz.) can mushrooms
2 tbsp. butter
1 tsp. salt
1/8 tsp. pepper
2 c. diced cooked chicken
1 can cream of celery soup
1 c. sour cream
1 (8 oz.) pkg. noodles, cooked
Parmesan cheese
Slivered almonds, if desired

Saute mushrooms lightly in butter. Add salt, pepper, chicken, soup and sour cream. Mix. Drain noodles and arrange in long baking dish. Top with chicken mix. Sprinkle liberally with Parmesan cheese (and nuts if desired). Bake at 350 degrees for 25 minutes.

It Occurred to Me While Watching Mutiny on the Bounty

That the exclamation, "Ship ahoy!" just may have been the inspiration for the cookies called Chips Ahoy

I never liked Chips Ahoy. I find them utterly resistable. If I'm going to eat a mass-produced cookie, it'll be an Oreo.  

Trailer for the film Mutiny on the Bounty, starring Charles Laughton and Clark Gable (before he had his ears pinned back) ~ 1935. 

If You Know Where My Watch Is

Please advise.

Friday, May 08, 2009

Doodle Loves This Vid

Because she understands

I Don't Know Where the Scissors Are But Let's Stab You in the Neck When We Find Them

Found it on The Church of Lost Souls. Thanks, Creep. I think.

30 Days for 30 Minutes Challenge: Today's Results

I get an F for yesterday, no exercise to speak of. Do Kegels count?

It doesn't matter how much or how little you use it; you gotta keep your stuff tight, kids! Question: Is there such a thing as Kegels for the face? Because truthfully, one of my biggest, deepest, darkest fears about getting old isn't getting wrinkles: It's getting "Old Person Mouth." Otherwise known as "Old Man Mouth" or "Old Lady Mouth." Or the "Bug Zapper." I see it in the office, I see it on the subway, I see it on Broadway, and it's not a pretty sight; Old Person Mouth is downright disturbing. And if you're my friend, the very moment you see me shuffling around going about my business catching flies with my droopy lax jaw and my mouth agape, you will either:

1) Fund a small, non-invasive, cosmetic procedure that will fix my problem (which is, when you think about it, your problem actually, because you're the one who has to look at me).

2) Insist I'm only seen in public wearing a stylish hat/creepy bonnet/helmet with chinstrap

3) Drag me out into the street and shoot me right in ye olde wide-opene piehole.

Thank you all for your cooperation in advance.

Tonight, we Kegel AND snowboard!

Doodle to the Paparazza: I'm Not Fat!

Doodle, NYC~ May 8, 2009

Ok, you're not fat, Doodle, but you gotta admit, you do photograph like fat ass from time to time. One can barely see the dust (or the new vacuum cleaner) for the trees of your ridiculous attitude. And don't even get me started on those whiskers of yours; whiskers like those will get you thrown out the window. Because everyone knows that your ridiculous whiskers are why you're whiskdiculous.


Get Your Fresh Roases Turkey Swisses Here

East 39th Street, NYC~ May 7, 2009

When Did The Creepy Hillside Honda Salesman Lose Your Attention?



Oh, No?

Gibson Warren Haynes '58 Les Paul

Gibson - Warren Haynes '58 Les Paul, part of the Gibson "Inspired By" series.

Thursday, May 07, 2009

Did You Know: Miss California USA Carrie Prejean

Is a bright-eyed, homo-fearing, bony, orange, slutty slutty bing bang with big teeth n' titties ahead of her.

The End

PS mustaches=gay: obvs

Walk This Way

36th Street and 2nd Avenue, NYC ~ May 2, 2009

A Simple E-Mail Can Prevent People From Pooping Their Pants


Today between the hours of 10:00am and 5:00pm, film crews will be
filming a TV show and simulating an evacuation and mock emergency
response scenario in the vicinity of 20 Exchange Place in Manhattan.

Wednesday, May 06, 2009

Doodle: She'll Annoy You Wit the Cute

Doodle, NYC~ Cinco de Mayo, 2009

Doodle's tests came back! She's healthy enough to have her teeth cleaned at the vet on Tuesday, and it's all day: I drop her off at 8 a.m. and pick her up at 4 p.m. The 300+ beans it will cost for this is twice what I paid for my teeth cleaning two weeks ago. This whole "Doodle Needs Her Teeth Cleaned" idea seemed like a better one before I was notified yesterday of multiple increases in my living expenses that are beyond my control. I'm trying to quiet the voices in my head (HOLY F*CKIN CRAP WHAT THE F*CK?????????? WHAT IN THE BLOODY F*CKING HELL AM I GONNA F*CKING DO FOR CHRISSAKES?????F*CK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!F*CK!!!!!!!!F*CK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) for the time being, figuring that any money I spend on this little turd now is preventative care to keep her healthy which will save me dough down the road. And if not, there's always the window toss.

In the meantime, to pay for this transaction, I've got to tighten the belt even more. This means cancelling my Netflix subscription and relying on cable. Also, did you know that you can stretch a can of Campbell's Tomato Soup far into the week by adding 15 cans of water instead of the recommended one can?
*** Thanks to a generous offer from sans pantaloons, I've set up a donation widget in the sidebar for those who have $1 to share for the care of a ridiculously adorable feline's canines. ***

Tuesday, May 05, 2009

For That September 11th Feelin'

Bay RIdge Nissan & Nissan of Manhattan - "Taking Over"

If you watch a Yankee game on the YES Network, you see this commercial every 9 minutes. As you can see, we New Yorkers have mellowed out quite a bit since September 11, 2001. Nothing--not even enormous buildings crashing into our faces-- phases us. Why? Because we're not just Americans, we're New Yorkers. And New Yorkers don't take shit from a lousy Tsunami of Mini Malls and we certainly don't let it fuck with our taxis, hotdogs, shopping, photo shoots, and hoops. FUGGGEHDABOUDITTTT!


“Daddy doesn’t hate the Yankees. Daddy has issues with the Yankees.” (Father talking to his son.)
ID: 51445, Published in The New Yorker May 20, 2002

Monorail Cat Only Crazier

Ozzy Osbourne, Crazy Train

Check out the real thing to see the Ozzy bangs I'm rockin' these days. Oh, I'm not just rockin' them, I'm rockin' them adequately

RIP, Dom

AP photo of Deluise, 1989

NYC Prom Dress Drive

Duryea, PA ~ 1940's
~ photo from

I was never a prom queen, but I was a prom expert--I went to 5, afterall. 4 out of 5 of these gowns are way out of style now, but I want to help promote the following Prom Dress Drive! If you're interested in donating any prom-worthy items (consider also shoes and/or accessories!), please email me ( and I'll put you in touch with the folks who will make it happen!


Do you remember this time during your senior year of High School? Yes
Graduation and college decisions were being made, but we all know what
our main focus was....PROM! We all can remember that memorable day (both
good and bad) like it was yesterday. We know we wanted to feel glamorous and
have THE dress. Unfortunately for many young ladies, for many reasons,
especially financial, will not be able to go to the prom.

So, I am contacting the fabulous ladies I know, both young and mature at heart
because this is an issue we need to address! I know for myself, I've
never worn that dress again, and I know for sure a lot of ya need to think
back where on earth you put it. Today I am asking you to donate those prom
dresses/formal dresses, shoes, accessories that you don't/ have not worn
nor see yourself wearing again. This is a time I believe as over rated
as it may be, is as important for them as it was for us. So please spread
the word let ya girls know, little sisters, cousins, former students, youth,
etc. that I'm collecting prom wear/ accessories. The goal is to have a
"Boutique" at the end of May/ First week of June at a location TBA with
girls who need dresses.

There are projects in other states titled the Cinderella Project and the
Ruby Room, but there aren't many in NYC. Let's help these young ladies
make this day special regardless of financial struggles their parents
may be facing. I have chosen not to participate in this recession and
believe that other won't have to with the blessings of others.

Have a wonderful day!

So let's donate, folks! You just know you have stuff crammin up those closets to share, clutterbutts! 

Snuggie Season: Not Over for Doodle

Ms. Doodle manages to discover the most unique little hiding spots for herself. I found her this morning in the corner of the closet, behind the hanging hoodie and belts, atop the arts & crafts cabinet, directly on the freshly-washed Snuggie, gift of Whipcreamy.

"Can I help you? You're sort of bothering me. Close the door when you're done? Thanks."
Doodle ~ NYC~ May 5, 2009