Friday, September 28, 2007

Ralph's Since 1963 is Done

Chambers at Church, 9/21/07

What Happened to Jenna Jameson?

Recently I caught an E! True Hollywood Story on Jenna Jameson. It was interesting, but certainly not two-hours of my life interesting. Why I spent a Friday night watching it is a devastating story but not as devastating as this:


Gina Says

"Just keep it real and all will be what its sposedta."
McSorley's Old Ale House Ladies' Room Stall Door, 9/28/07

Thursday, September 27, 2007

The Great Judy Blume Was Mortified By Mortified!

Mortified last night was an absolutely amazing show. I'll post a review shortly. But in the meantime, I'm simply thrilled beyond belief to post the following:

We Got Mortified!
"Last night George and I went to the Mortified show in NY. We had the BEST time! We laughed until our sides ached. If you live near any of the cities currently producing Mortified shows catch one. (It's not a show for kids.) The audience last night was mainly 20-30 somethings. The couple next to us were married with three kids and having a date night. They loved it just like we did. I mean, we were all adolescents, right? And we all had those moments in our lives.

How I wish I'd kept my teen diaries with my secret code words so if my mother ever got her hands on it she wouldn't have a clue what I was writing about. (Ha!) I even kept a series of rubber bands wrapped around it (it had no lock and key -- it was one of those freebies sent out by insurance companies at Christmas time -- but it did have a hard cover) so I would be able to tell if my mother read it. I'm sure she did though she never admitted it. If you've saved your diaries, poems, songs, stories -- you, too, have a chance to get mortified.

Here are some of the performers who shared their adolescent angst with us last night. Yes, there were also guys in the show but they didn't make it into this pix. Thanks everyone! Thanks, too, to David N. who started the whole thing and invited us to be his guests. Dave, we'll meet up one of these days!

XX Judy

PS Meg, you'd love it!"

Mortified LOVES YOU TOO, JUDY! (and George!) I'll post more when I come down off of this cloud.



Tuesday, September 25, 2007

That's Noose To Me

Name That Machine

Current Mood Is:

Green Grass

Remember, other peoples' lives aren't always all they're cracked up to be. Sure, your friend is filthy rich and successful, with a regular house in Greenwich, a summer house in the Hamptons and a winter house in Vail, but his wife has an incurable case ferocious breath and his kids are assholes.

My Blog's a Hot Mess

Hi, Kids!

I tried to re-vamp my blog, but ended up deleting some crap in the process.

The End.

Monday, September 24, 2007

Are You There Judy? It's Me, Anne

From Judy Blume's Blog:

"Soupy Tour--Girlfriends

LA to Santa Fe --George and I had planned on going to the Get Mortified show on Wednesday night in LA but he was feeling too sick that night to leave the hotel. So I missed it again! But one of these days, maybe in NY next week, I'm going to experience the fun/angst/mortification of David N's show. I'm trying to get David to do a show in Key West, maybe at the Tropic Cinema. I know my friend Meg Cabot is a fan so between the two of us maybe we can make it happen..."


I know she said, "maybe," but...


If you're unfamiliar with the great Judy Blume , then you probably had a tougher time with adolescence than I did. Thanks to my Mom (who introduced me to her books) I've been a Blume-o-phile for... Forever.

Two Days Until Mortified in NYC!

If it's good enough for Judy, you know it's gotta be good.

Get Your Zzzzzzzs

Good to Know

President Ahmadinejad's speech at Columbia this morning was enlightening. What we learned:

  1. In Iran, women have freedoms.

  2. The Holocaust: The jury is still out.

  3. There are no homosexuals in Iran.

Ok, then. Now you can plan your trip to Iran accordingly, people. Incidentally, if you are into gay-free vacations, try Albania.

What Not to Wear

I went to Ryan McFadden's on 2nd Avenue and 42nd Street yesterday to watch the Buffalo Bills get massacred by the New England Patriots. T'was sad. McFadden's is the official Buffalo Bills Backer Bar of NYC for displaced Western New Yorkers who have an affinity for pain. Some of the Buffalo Jills were there giving out free t-shirts. Classic Buffalo wings were consumed, in addition to plenty of beer, all in the Buffalo tradition. I saw tons of Bills wear on the patrons, but not one O.J. Simpson jersey in the house. Peculiar.

Weird Wedding Photos Part MCLVVLXCCV

Sunday, September 23, 2007

Truth or Dare

I have never played Spin the Bottle.


I have played Empty the Bottle, but that's another game.

Saturday, September 22, 2007

Get Some Jerky, Jerks!

Rosie's Vermont Made Beef Jerky from Swanton, VT, is indeed, quite possibly, the world's finest tasting beef jerky. I can vouch for that. I wasn't able to get back Vermont at the end of the summer, so I ordered some jerky, whoopie pies (I know, don't judge) and their hot and spicy barbeque sauce which is kick ass. If you're jonseing for a little jerk, get your jerk on at Rosie's online store. Mmmmm. And what a great gift idea! Right, folks? Right.

Today Was Ordinary: My First Diary

My Mom gave it to me for Christmas. And either I started this diary backwards, or I used it for a year and a half and put stuff in later (example: "Grama came up I think this day." and "My Grandma's birthday, somewhere in July or June"). A combination of both is likely, because at some point I "caught up" with my entries by filling in almost every day from January 30-May 9 with "O." and "O." stands for: Ordinary. Some things never change.
January 10, 1977
"It was fun in art when we had to put down all the things we drew good."
January 11, 1977
"We had a good day in gym. And it was fun playing basketball."
January 12, 1977
"We had a party for Mrs. Poster. Because she is not coming to Stanley School any more. We miss her very much. We hope she will come back soon. And we made ginger bread at Tootsie's house."
January 13, 1977
"I had a nice day today in math. We watched three movies about mectrics. And I had piano lesson too."
January 14, 1977
"Hubert Humphrey died last night of cancer. We might go bowling today or we might go someplace fun. Like skating!"
January 15, 1977
"We went skating today."
January 16, 1977
"We have no school today."
January 17, 1977
"It was fun in the snow!"
January 18, 1977
"Today is an ordanairy day."
January 19, 1977
"I might go skating every week!"
Janurary 20, 1977
"A reagler day, again. I might build a fort."
January 21, 1977
"I am building a fort. but it is not quite done."
January 22, 1977
"I started a fort. It is almost done!"
January 23, 1977
"My fort is done we play in it alot Andrea and I do."
January 24, 1977
"Today was a plain old day but it rained all night and my snow fort didn't go away!"
January 25, 1977
"Nothing peccular happened today."
May 10, 1977
"Today was ordanary. Andrea and I found a birds egg but we dropped it by mystake."
May 12, 1977
"We have Mrs. Whats her name for Penminship."
On October 15, 1977
"My Fish died Sunday Oct. 15 1977."
If you liked this crap, you'll LOVE Mortified! Get tickets now before the show sells out (it always does)! Wednesday, September 26, 2007, 7 pm at Mo Pitkin's House of Satisfaction. $10. Buy online here and share the shame! It's fun.

Friday, September 21, 2007

Have I Told You Lately How Much I Love Joy Behar?

I don't watch the View for a few reasons:

  1. I have a job-type thingie

  2. I don't have a Tivo doodad

  3. Elisabeth Hasselbeck makes me want to crawl into the t.v. and punch her in the grill piece.

However, I'm quite enjoying Larry King's interview with Joy Behar on this fine Friday night. (loser) I knew I liked Joy simply for being a brassy, female comic and down-to-earth broad, but after this interview, I realize that now I love her. We'd be great friends. In fact, I'm sure she's reading this right now and agrees. Oh, and she's got a new book out called, "When You Need a Lift." I'd buy it, but I'd rather read it in Barnes and Noble. I'm really in a purging mood and don't need another thing collecting dust on my coffee table. Joy would totally understand.

Did Somebody Say Lurid?

Count me in!
Read "A Lurid Tale From 1857 Is Revived in Granite" by Andy Newman in the New York Times.


Photo by Christian Hansen for the New York Times

Flowery Taxi Cabs

These things came on the scene a few weeks ago and instead of pleasing New Yorkers, it's got them all, "What the fuck is going on with that shit?" Apparently the brightly colored bouquets on taxi hoods and roofs is to celebrate 100 years of metered taxi cabs in NYC. Read more about Garden in Transit here.

Look What I Can Do!

Your Crap

Now that Summer 2007 officially ends today, it's time to rotate the merchandise and move into your fall wardrobe and Real Simple has a lot of suggestions for cleaning, organizing and getting rid of clutter in your house. No doubt these tips are easier preached than practiced, but I've got nothing to lose but a bunch of crap and neither do you, so don't front.

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Picture This

I remember doing a dance routine to this song at Haggett's Dance School in Marblehead, Mass when I was about turqoise parachute pants, a black leotard, a faded blue sweatshirt, and white canvas jazz shoes. You don't have to listen to the entire George Benson live version of "On Broadway" to get the idea. I also remember that Fosse's jazz hands were in the house that day. Big old Fosse hands. And you know something? I wasn't half bad. It's a wonder I managed to concentrate on the art of the dance with the ribbons from my ribbon barrettes getting in my eyes. It's kind of like when smoke gets in your eyes minus the romance and plus the lame.

Oh, jazz. Why didn't I stick with you?

For a real howl, check this out, compliments of Teri who found it on Jen's Casual Slack. It is a great way to start the morning. Thanks, guys!

Wicked Good New York Story

I have a million great stories. Ok, not a million stories, probably closer to a thousand. And they're not all great. But I've got at least a hundred great New York Stories. Here's another great one by Leslie Arfin, author:

"I was on the F train, and this homeless guy was asking for money so he can renew his prescription. He said he's addicted to opiates, and he had irritable bowel syndrome, and if he didn't take his opiates- meaning heroin or whatever- that he had irritable bowel syndrome. He then proceeded to pull down his pants to show the entire subway car that he was wearing a diaper, and I'm pretty sure that he started to go to the bathroom in the diaper on the train. The women next to me were crossing themselves and saying Hail Marys. You could hear a pin drop on the subway train. I've never experienced that. I was alone. It was a great moment."

Read more about Arfin and her new book, Dear Diary, in this Gothamist interview here by Ben Kharakh.

I'll have to get back to you on my best New York story. The mental Rolodex is big. I really should start writing them down, shouldn't I?

Lunch at the City Restaurant

Early 1900's

Mortified Next Wednesday in NYC

Remember the amazing stories I regaled you with a few weeks ago? Oh, like you could forget The Mysterious Letter.

In the mood for more angst? GREAT!

Mortified, Wednesday, September 26, 2007 @ 7 pm

Upstairs at Mo's
Mo Pitkin's House of Satisfaction.
34 Avenue A @ 3rd Street, NY, NY, 10009
$10 ($12 at the door)
Advance ticket purchase suggested...SHOW SELLS OUT FAST!
Click here to buy tickets now!

Mortified: Hailed a "cultural phenomenon" by Newsweek and celebrated by the likes of This American Life, The Today Show, The Onion AV Club, Esquire, Entertainment Weekly, Daily Candy, and more, Mortified is a comic excavation of teen angst artifacts (journals, letters, poems, lyrics, home movies, stories, and more) as shared by their original authors before total strangers. As the largest and longest-running project of its kind, our grassroots comedy collective has spent years sifting through hundreds of otherwise forgotten notebooks on a mission to celebrate the extraordinary lives of ordinary people. Mortified is co-produced in New York by Anne Altman and Brandy Barber.

The Red Sox Are Simply Testing Me

Right? Sorta like how Jesus does. He loves to test peoples' allegiance, patience, and crap like that. So, I'm bracing myself for a major depression which may begin in October. Then come the holidays, everyone's favorite time to commit suicide, then Valentine's Day (another Funtime Charlie Holiday for the single folks), then my birthday (groan), so I suppose I'll resurface around April, just in time for Spring Training.

Let's hope I don't have to put this plan in place. 2007 was supposed to be my year. Get your shit together BoSox.

You Don't Need Arms to Kick Some Ass


Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Current Mood Is:

Need a Hug?

Oh, Goodness Gracious

Ouchers. I was at the Yankee Game last night, and my friend told me about this prank as the JumboTron shout-outs rolled by. Rough. Better than last night's game, anyway. Stupid Yanks, Orioles couldn't pull off a win. Regardless, I interloped successfully wearing my semi-subtle navy BoSox cap, and I encountered only mild ribbing. Go Sox!

Monday, September 17, 2007

I Don't Want to Disappoint the Eager Web Surfers

Who are desperately seeking information on "horsetail butt plugs" and "dick eaters," but I'm afraid I'm not much of an expert on either. I'll fill you in on what I can, though, so ask away anyway.

OJ Just Wants His Stuff Back, OK?

Oh, and he murdered a few people.

"O.J. was the last person I was expecting to see and when I saw him I was just thinking, 'O.J., how can you be this stupid?'" Fromong told CBS's "The Early Show."

This story is so absurd, I needed people to repeat it to me at least six times yesterday, just to make sure that I was understanding it correctly.

Sunday, September 16, 2007

Phunk Your Ass Off, Yo

Doodle Says Go Bills Go

Doodle, 9/16/07

The Buffalo Bills and Doodle are a perfect match. I mean, really: pound for pound, who loves chicken wings more than she? Nobody. Here's hoping the Bills pull off a win today against the Steelers and that Kevin Everett's health continues to improve.

Today the the Red Sox play the Yankees again at Fenway, and the Patriots play the Chargers. I'll be at Professor Thom's for Maximum Masshole Mania. GO SOX.

Saturday, September 15, 2007

Soccer Fans: Not Well in the Dome Piece

There was a semi-serious argument in the office yesterday about the merits of the game of soccer. One dude said in so many words that soccer is lame and easy. Bascially he was calling it gay. Another co-worker, who is passionate about the game, was all fired up about the allegations, claiming that it's just the opposite. I'm here to say that I don't have an opinion on the game of soccer itself or its players, but what I do know is that soccer fans are fucking bat shit, out of their minds, loop-de-doodle-doo, motherfuckin' crazy.

Lower Manhattan in 1660

(Original lower Manhattan superimposed over today's)

An Anne fan sent me this terrific link which highlights the expansion of downtown Manhattan from the days of Peter Stuyvesant (did you that Broad Street was once a canal?) until the present. Move your mouse over the dates to see how fat it got thanks to a trusty little thing called landfill. It hasn't really changed that much in 400 years, which is why I love it so.

My Interpretation of Last Night's Marathon at Fenway



We're still up 4.5, so let's not panic. Plus, Jason Giambi might sweat to death; temperatures could climb upwards of 64 today in Boston.

Friday, September 14, 2007

He'd Like a More Comfortable Prison, Please

If a dude offers you a drink of vodka in the woods to mourn his dead dog, don't do it. Sounds like a lame line, right? Well. It might surprise you how many people did and ended up in a sewer pit.

Sort of like the lame line, "Can I get a dollar to get home? Can somebody just gimme a dollar to get myself home?" from the dude in a sportscoat and baseball hat with the gym bag blocking the stairwell of the subway every other evening or so. When you don't oblige, he berates you. "Oh, you can't spare a dollar for a poor guy trying to get home." Tonight a Wall Streeter called him on it, finally. "Stuck again, huh?"

Ruth is a Beauty

A lake somewhere in Michigan, 1920's

I Was Once Quite Adorable as Kids Go

Easter Sunday, 1899

Robinson, Illinois

Bosox vs Yanks at Fenway Tonight, Y'all

And I won't be there. But I know a few Altmans who will, and they'll have their game faces on.

Phriday Phun

Bored at the office today? Can't stand your whiny sack of shit officemates? Ok, maybe that's a bit strong. Regardless, here's a great way to spend your afternoon. Turn the audio up and enjoy.

Doodle Bling Bling Bling a Doo

Thursday, September 13, 2007

The First 48

The First 48 on A&E. A real-life murder scene investigation show which I highly recommend for a number of reasons, the most important right now simply being that it's on at 9--the same time as the Presidential Address--and it's slightly less depressing than Bush chirping some insulting blah blah blah horsecrap blah blah, so...yeah, check it out. If that show doesn't interest you, Diamonique is probably on, and who doesn't love watching the worlds' finest simulated diamonds rotate on a tray or being showcased on a wrinkly hand with extra thick, wide n' square weirdo lookin' gel-wrap tipped fingernails?

Wow, That's Gross

Your mouth produces 1 liter of saliva a day.
PS: More if you see me naked
PPS: Less if you're smokin' grass
PPPS: If see me naked and you're smokin' grass then it's about an even 1 liter.
PPPPS: Keep dreamin' you'll never see me naked
PPPPPS: You got any grass?

Kenny Drebsen, King of the Burn

Four across and five down: Kenny Drebsen, King of the Burn.

Learn it, live it, watch it, love it, learn it. Kenny's got a degree in burnology.

"Memory lives in the heart."

-Marquise de Sevigne

To the Fine Metro-Area Jewish Community:

Thank you, thank you, thank you, from the bottom of my black little heart, for making today's morning subway commute one of the most pleasant in recent memory. Your staying home to celebrate the joyous New Year of 5768 with your family has provided me with rapid fire trains, multiple seats in which to place my fat ass, and plenty of space all around. I actually made it to work without punching anyone in the beanbag or wanting to punch anyone in the beanbag or muttering anything under my breath about punching or beanbags. Thank you, thank you, and thank you. And Happy New Year!

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Big Hug or Swift Punch in the Bean Bag?

My dear pal del-v e-mailed me this little doo dad this evening, and I'm not sure if I love him or hate him for it. It's really a close call.

Just because you draw a set of cock n' balls on your a-hole neighbor's J. Crew delivery boxes it doesn't make you a bad person. It makes you a hero.

It's Not "Wendsday"

It's Wed-nes-day.

More 4th Grade spelling tricks for you compliments of me:

Connecticut: Connect!-I- cut!

assume: To assume, is to make an ass out of u and me.

restaurant: People rant about that restau-rant.

You're welcome.

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Weird Wedding Photos Part MVCLLMVMC

Clam Recipe of the Day: Linguine with Clams

Lazy Linguine with Canned Clams


1/2 c. olive oil2

Tbsp. minced garlic

1/8" c. sweet red pepper, chopped

1 c. dry white wine

1 15 oz can Whole Ocean Clams, drained, juice reserved

1 Tbsp. fresh parsley, chopped

1/2 tsp. red pepper flakes

Cooking Instructions:

Sauté minced garlic and sweetred pepper in olive oil. Turn up heat andadd wine and reserved clam juice. Cook until fluid is reduced by half. Reduceheat and add Whole Ocean Clams, parsley and red pepper flakes. Serve over linguine. Serves four.

More Ambitious Linguine with Fresh Clams

Yield: 4 servings (scale up in direct proportion)

1 cup water

1/2 cup dry white wine

32 Manila or littleneck clams, scrubbed 1 cup bottled clam juice

2 tablespoons extra-virgin olive oil

2 tablespoons unsalted butter

2 cloves garlic, sliced horizontally

1/2 cup chopped flat-leaf parsley

1/2 teaspoon dried hot red pepper flakes

2 teaspoons dried thyme, crumbled

Salt and freshly ground pepper to taste

1 pound linguine, cooked al dente, drained, kept warm -


Put the water and wine in a large pot and bring the liquid to a simmer over high heat. Reduce the heat to medium-high. Add the clams to the pot and cover tightly. Steam the clams just until the shells open -- about 7 to 8 minutes. Discard any clams that do not open. Remove the pot from the heat. - Strain the clams and liquid through a fine chinois or colander lined with cheesecloth. Transfer the clams to a separate bowl. Put the juice from the steamed clams in a measuring pitcher. Add enough bottled clam juice to make 2 cups. - Put the olive oil and the butter in a saucepan set over medium heat. Add the garlic and sauté, stirring, until the garlic is lightly browned. Discard the garlic. Add the clam juice, parsley, red pepper flakes, and thyme to the saucepan. Salt and pepper to taste. Bring the sauce to a gentle simmer. - Divide the cooked pasta among four heated pasta bowls. Arrange eight of the clams around the pasta in each bowl. Pour an equal amount of sauce over the pasta and the clams. Serve at once.

Save the Date and Share the Shame!

NYC's next production of Mortified is on September 26, 2007. Advance ticket purchase recommended. Show sells out! Don't make me beat you. Remember last time when I had to beat you in your grill piece and you cried and then I felt bad and whatnot? Ok. Don't make me do that again. Love you!

I Love Wes Clark

Wes Clark, Jr. in his boyhood bedroom in Burbank, CA late 1960's

I stumbled across Wes Clark's blog, Avocado Memories one evening while I was no doubt googling something vintage, and I'm so glad I did. Not only is Wes hilarious and full of clever descriptions and stories about growing up in Burbank, but the pictures he's linked to his site are fantastic. They're of amazing quality and Wes clearly went to a lot of trouble to scan, organize and explain them just so. He's also got a few other blogs, so check out Mr. Clark's stuff. He's awesome. So was his dad, apparently:

Wes Clark, Sr. ~ early 1950's

Who Doesn't Love an American? Mall?

Chicago, 1970's

NYC, 1950's
Here are a few pics pulled from a neato bandito blog I discovered recently by Keith Milford titled appropriately, Malls of America. If you've ever kicked around a mall as a teen and remember their transformation from outdoor strip malls to indoor dark malls back to outdoor strip malls and beyond, then this site is for you. Ahhh, can't you just smell the rubbing alcohol eminating from the Piercing Pagoda and hear the Musak blaring?

Weird Wedding Photos Part MVVCCMVVVXLV

Today is September 11

When I got to work, they were out front of the building reading the names starting with B.

Monday, September 10, 2007

Corey Manages to Take All the Sexy out of SexyBack

Is it because he's Canadian? How long does his lesson take until you smash your face into your keyboard? I made it until 19:02.

How to Dance at a Rage

"Flappa hounda" = "pat the dog" in Swedish

One More Bit About Brit

By Dennis Hensley. Dennis seems to capture every detail of the fifteen minutes I spent watching this caca. I'm just glad I didn't invest in more minutes and had time for other t.v., like the season premiere of Curb Your Enthusiasm on HBO. Larry David was Larry David. Painfully and relentlessly awkward and annoying as ever. Fantastic. Plus, there was a huge dark chocolate layer cake in the shape of a dick involved and that's way better than seeing Britney glomming about on stage, isn't it? Poor Brit. She's probably wolfing down half a dark chocolate dick cake with her bare hands over a trashcan right about now.

Name that Nerd

Match the nerd with their specialty!

1) Reconfigurable hardware, C to HDL
2) Java,Emacs, NeWS window system
3) MIPS,Warp, iWarp,Fx
4) Algorithms, parallel computation,computer architecture,VLSI,discrete mathematics
5) Path-sensitive optimizations, compiler back-end