Wednesday, January 31, 2007

On Top of Spaghetti

Doodle, 12/07

On top of spaghetti
All covered with cheese
I lost my poor meatball
When somebody sneezed
It rolled off the table
And onto the floor
And then my poor meatball
Rolled right out the door

Too Bad, So Sad

Dear Guy Who Was Text Messaging In the Revolving Door When It Smashed Into Him,

Please. If it simply couldn't wait 'til you revolved 'round to the other side, then you got what you deserved.

Thanks. Bye.


What's Goin On at Cole's Pond in Walden, Vermont?

See for yourself!

Weird Wedding Photos Part III




Penrose Street in Baltimore, 1948

In preparation for my weekend in Baltimore sometime this spring (dates TBD), I've been researching a little of it's history. Pictured here are Penrose Street's rowhouses, in which marble steps were attached in an attempt to add some elegance to the otherwise drab architecture. Saturdays were "scrub days." Photo by A. Aubry Bodine.

Secret Taxi Stand

I just learned of a New York secret that I'll share with my fellow New Yorkers and anyone who travels here and is interested in securing a taxi at rush hour near Grand Central. On Grand Central's west side--and on the west side of Vanderbilt Avenue between 44th and 43rd Streets--(or is it 44 and 45? Accurate Annie's my other nickname) there will be a few people waiting under a sign, a sign which has nothing to do with taxis. Those people know that there are taxis who know about the people, and they'll stop there for fares. There you have it: Secret Taxi Stand.

Every Bride Deserves to Wear White

But it's simply not everyone's color. Perhaps an off-white would have been more flattering.

Don't Cry, It's Hump Day

Miss USA, Tara Conner is out of "rehab!" Yay!

Amy Sedaris' Googly Eye Kitchen Craft Challenge

She's crafty! And you can be too. Get some googly eyes, stick 'em on some food, submit them to this contest on WNYC, and you could win a copy of Amy's hilarious book I Like You (I got one for Christmas). Amy selects the winner live on Lenny Lopate's radio show February 9. Googly googly goo, Jeff Gillooly!

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Doodle's All Ears Akimbo

Doodle, 12/07

East Coast Gays Fear West Coast Gays Give Gays a Bad Name

And they're right to be concerned.

Rick & Henry,

I can ignore the Olan Mills photograph with gauzy fade border, your matching shirts, your haircuts, and the fact that you've registered for wedding gifts at a place called Kitchen Kaboodle.

But to have your wedding reception at Shenanigan's?


That is a crime. A crime against gays. A gay hate crime. You're sooo lucky you weren't prosecuted.


Dad, Please!

You’re so bummed when your dad is caught in a photo trying to get an autograph from these two sluts.

Fun Time Television Tonight

Dateline's To Catch a Predator, Long Beach Edition! Or, as I like to call it, "Watch Pervs Go Soft" for short. Seeing dudes get burned by Chris Hansen just never gets old.

Monday, January 29, 2007

Weird Wedding Photos Part II

Couple in the final stages of Avian Bird Flu


"Honey, let's take a shot where you appear to be jumping out of the bushes to sexually assault me and I appear to like it."


"Hey, koi, pull my finger."

Is Everyone Flossing Regularly?

I'm concerned.

No News Here

Missouri's 254 Million Dollar Powerball has a winner: A couple who farts dust for a living.

This Groom's Got Nine Lives

"One marriage down, 9 more to go..."

Humiliating? Sure! Happens All the Time.

Let's say you just got your hair cut and/or styled. You're not so into it, but you're dealing. Then someone in your office looks at you and asks, "Hey, did you just get your hair cut?"

"Yes, I did," you answer immediately, with a smile, perhaps a little a beam of appreciation that someone acknowledged it, good or bad. You fiddle with your new bangs a little as you say it.

Then you realize that she wasn't talking to you, but the woman just down yonder from you, who whips around to say, "No, I didn't," to which the complimentor replies, "Oh, it looked like you did," and walks away.

Suddenly it's just you, left to stroke your bad haircut and your ego.

Aw, hell. Whatever. Doodle likes it.

Doodle Demands Credit Where Credit is Due

Hey, MSNBC lady? Cheryl Hurd, or whatever your name is? The mountain lion that gnawed on that dude last week was a female. Ok? A female. So stop saying that "They found the lion responsible and shot and killed him." It's bad enough she was snuffed out just trying to get some lunch, and you add insult to injury when you slight us, her fellow female feline huntresses with the claim that it was a dude lion. So, get your facts straight and your shit together please, or I'll feast on your grill. It won't be much of a fight or a meal, but it could the edge off before my afternoon snack. Thanks.


Out of the House in New York City

Here's my weekend in and around Union Square and the East Village (more or less), listed alphabetically. I highly recommend all venues.

Suggestions: Try on silly shoes at DSW (my choice, UGG's Fluffy in pink), get a hotdog at Katz's and a Lik-M- Aid at Economy Candy, or get a "hotdog" or "lick'em aid" at Babes. Whatever turns you on.

  1. Babes in Toyland
  2. DSW
  3. Economy Candy
  4. Katz's Deli
  5. Paprika Cucina Italiana
  6. Rite Aid
  7. Saigon Grill
  8. Stanton Social
  9. Union Square Green Market

All Banged Up

I went to the beauty parlor on Saturday for a little routine maintenance. My stylist, Butterfly, suggested that she cut more stylish bangs this time. I said, "Whatever."

Now I'm slightly second guessing my "decision."

Friday, January 26, 2007

My Soulmate

May I re-introduce to you my soulmate and Winnebago salesman, Jack Rebney.

Warning: He says bad words. Several bad words. In rapid succession. All the time.

"Mafioso" ~ 1962

Beg for it, borrow it, steal it, rent it; just make sure that you see it. I caught it at a late night showing last weekend, and in a made up word, it was: Fantastique-o!

Cool Hand Uke

Ukuleles are COOL! --and it's pronounced "Oooooo Kooooo Lay Lay" not "Yoo-cull-laylee"-- But as if you needed me to tell you that, after you saw Antiques Roadshow Hawaiian Edition...

Anyway, spicy duo Les Chauds Lapins (above) are playing at Mo Pitkin's House of Satisfaction tonight in something called Ukulele Noir and it's gonna be great. I met Meggy and Kurt at Cha Cha's Crabby Hour a few weeks ago, and they were terrific. So tiptoe through the tulips either at Mo's or check them out on myspace!

Weird Wedding Photos Part I




The Student Outperforms the Teacher

One of the greatest dance scenes in a movie--ever--with one of the best sound tracks--ever. Deney Terrio supposedly taught John all the dance he knows, but John nails it better. And he's rumored to nail other things. My favorite move: at 1:11.

And here I tossed my mint condition, double album LP-- with nary a scratch-- to the curb in a maniacal fit of bed bug paranoia. Why'd I do that, again? Ehhh, whatevs. you can't take your crap with you, so you might as well start pitching it now.

Happy Friday!

Dear Bulgarian

Dear Bulgarian Who Visited My Blog Today,




PS And to my peep in Fiji? Vinaka!

Phriday Phreak Out

Just a little trim before my wedding, no big deal, right?

Breaking Wind is Breaking News?


Everything can't be BREAKING NEWS. Ok? The fact that it's 10 degrees in Syracuse is not BREAKING NEWS. And if every other story is breaking news, then what if something really important happens? What if some real news really breaks? What are you going to call that? I feel that you're abusing your BREAKING NEWS power, MSNBC. I'm sooo tired of being fooled into looking up and reading your liar liar pants on fire headlines across the television, ok? 'Member the story about the Boy Who Cried Wolf? 'Member what happened to him? 'Member? It wasn't pretty.



PS Ms. Stewart, I know you're trying to be taken seriously as a newscaster, break away from your MTV roots and cloud the fact that you're married to the MSBNC's VP of Programming, but that exhaustive gesturing with the pen every second of every syllable isn't doing it. Maybe suggest that they give you a chair? That standy-uppy newscasting is beat.

PPS If you and your husband get divorced and you get fired, can I have your job?

Aren't I, Though?

Thursday, January 25, 2007

My Least Stylish and Sexy Year

2006. Definitely.

2007 has gotten off to pretty much the same start. Wedgies, floods and flats seem to be the mainstay of my daily wardrobe.


Doodle: Sneak Attack!

*Note to self: Do not turn the corner into the kitchen without the lights on, because Doodle may be sitting on top of the microwave and scare the piss out of you with a "Mmmmbeeowww!" directly in your friggin' ear, and you'll jump a few feet in the air just like the Mama Panda.

They Hate To Admit It But Their Dog is a Bigot

The Knuckleheads! Tonight! Live! Free! With hope they'll sing that song and my other favorite about tool Owen Wilson (below). I'll be there. As the saying goes, if it's free, it's for me, people.

Best Bowling Team Names I've Ever Heard

I’ve only heard of a few bowling team names in my life, and some have stuck with me. They are as follows:

Two Balls (2 broads and 1 dude)
Two Shits and A Rat’s Ass (3 dudes)
Come from Behind (3 broads)

Oh, bowling. There seems to be a resurgence in it's popularity lately. In the fifties it was the thing, and in the 80's it was on it's death bed. Hello, video games, smell ya later, bowling. I used to work at my college's bowling alley located in the basement of the old student union which was considered a state-of-the-art facility in the 1960's. When my Dad drove me back to school after Christmas break one year, I was greeted with the shocking sight of the entire bowling alley plonked into the dumpster behind the building. The shoes, the lockers, the balls, the hand dryers, seats, the lanes themselves. All of it tossed--buh bye! Does this mean I'm out of a job, man? My father hauled several pieces of the lanes back home with him to Massachusetts and the back bumper of the Taurus station wagon sagged an inch from the highway's concrete. "These things are solid oak!" He's had a bunch of chopping blocks made for friends since. Literal pieces of bowling history.

The majority of the country’s bowling alleys are what I call “Big Ball Bowling” which most people simply recognize as bowling. But in New England, we don’t roll that way with those wicked big balls. We’ve got what is known as Candlepin Bowling, also known as Duck Pin Bowling. Why? I have no idea. But the pins are slim and the balls are softball-sized, you get three chances per turn not two, and you have to whip it down the lane for speed. You don’t get that occasional strike from the gravity of the ball alone, it’s gotta be a power hurl every time.

All of the area’s alleys (what’s left of them) are Candlepin, with only a few lanes dedicated to Big Ball Bowling for those out-of-towners. My great grandmother was seriously hooked on Bowling for Dollars’ local edition called “Candlepins for Cash,” hosted by Red Sox’s own Rico Petrocelli. So it’s pretty much a "Duh" why loved that show.

I suck at bowling. You may remember my 8th birthday party, which was held at the alley behind the McDonald’s in Salem. The party favors were from the "five and dime," also in Salem. Neither the bowling alley nor the five and dime store remains standing. I am also on my last breath. Good. Bye. Anyone who can name the former alley and former store gets a Hoodsie.


Garner tells how a diamond ring — a gift from Affleck — fell into a drain
"NEW YORK — Jennifer Garner revealed a secret Wednesday that she'd been keeping from Ben Affleck: She nearly lost a ring he had given her after the birth of their 1-year-old daughter, Violet.

Garner, who stars in Columbia Pictures' Catch and Release, said the mishap occurred while she was primping for the movie's premiere.

"He gave me this beautiful diamond ring and I was playing with it and ... it fell off. And it fell under this ice maker in the house — he (Affleck) hasn't even heard of this yet — and ... it fell into the drain under this ice maker," the 34-year-old actress said on Live With Regis and Kelly.

"And the plumber had to come and dismantle the thing from under the house. And he found it," she said, holding up her hand to flash the sparkler.

"And Ben hasn't even heard that," said co-host Regis Philbin.

"I should have warned him," Garner replied.

Garner and Affleck, 34, were married in June 2005. Violet was born later that year.

Catch and Release opens Friday."



Affleck didn't notice because he wipes booger diamonds on the back of the drapes, ok? So calm the f*ck down already and keep crap like this to yourself. Thanks. Bye. Grossness.

Snapshot of a Warrior

Pictured here is New York Giants’ quarterback Y.A. Tittle, right after the Steelers intercepted his screen pass for a touchdown and he suffered a major hit by defensive end John Baker. The photograph was taken by Morris Berman on a September Sunday in Pittsburgh, 1964, and Berman’s editor at the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette didn’t run the picture because he wanted an action shot. The Giants ended that season 2-10-2, and Tittle retired at 38. He began a career in insurance and was inducted into the Football Hall of Fame in 1971. Now 80, he lives happily with his wife in Atherton, California and has a daughter, grandchildren, and great grandchildren.

The World Needs a Little More Panda Sneeze

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Doodle's Favorite Flick: Video Catnip

When wintertime comes, and Doodle gets a little squirrely (ie: becomes a huge pain my ass), I often will put on her favorite tape (yes, I said tape), Video Catnip. Some genius knew that filming the birds and other critters in his backyard in summertime would drive bored house cats wild, and well, he was right. Now he's sitting on a huge pile of money. In the meantime, cats, including Doodle, are sitting in front of the tube. Doodle watches this flick as intently as this cat Lucy does. She'll poke the t.v. and go behind it sometimes looking for pigeon flesh. In fact, she's so into this flick, she knows it just by the music in the opening credits. She'll come sprinting from the other room when she hears it start to roll. Spaz.

You can buy your own DVD or tape and other crap cats love--like the Critterbug Laserpointer-- here.

George W. Bush, Dick Cheney, Nancy Pelosi & Doodle

Doodle had her back to the President the entire time. A form of protest, I imagine.

Doodle, 1/23/07

Calling All Fat Butts With Desk Jobs

It's too late to reverse your brain atrophy, but why not take a stab at reversing your body mush with these clever yoga exercises? Sure, there is a good chance that some moron with whom you work catches you doing these yoga moves near the water cooler will call you a faggot and then have to check into rehab, but whatevs. Stay firm, downward dog!

Someone Has a Right to Be Upset

If You Like the Phrase "Dipping Sauce"

Or "dipping sauces," then you'll LOVE the show Semi Homemade with Sandra Lee. If you do not like 80's style hair, however, this will be a problem. She walked out to the set and exclaimed that the theme of the show would be "Movie Snacks!" Then she asked if we could guess what type of movies based on the display in which she was motioning. I figured it had to be 80's because of her sprayed, perm-y curl 'do. It wasn't. Glad I didn't raise my hand.

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

The Picture of Confidence

Where's My G*ddamned Can? A Doodle Triptych

You're in the kitchen. Are you opening a can?

You totally opened a can. I heard the can opening noise.

I see that you opened a can and put it in a dish. When are you gonna put it down?
I am about to lose my friggin' mind already!

PS When are you going to refinish your kitchen cabinets? They look really ghetto in that last photo.

Things NYC's (Mentally Ill) Homeless Have Shouted at Me Recently

In the order I received them:

  1. Meow!
  2. Ha ha ha ha! (with pointing)
  3. *&^%$#@*#&^@!

If NYC's mentally stable community finds reason to ask me directions and what time it is, I can't assume that crazies don't have anything to add. And they do. It's something about my face. My face says "Approach me." Why does my face say that?

I Am Wearing Floods Today

...And that is all I have to say.

About that, anyway.

(totally a poem)

Dear Skanks

Dear Skanks,

Please get one of these and bring it into the fitting room with you, so I don't have to be grossed out by the sight your makeup on the inside of the shirts you decided not to buy. Ok? Great.



Clo Cap
No More Makeup Stains. This light, sheer, see-thru shield protects clothes from makeup and makeup from clothes during a garment change! It keeps your outfit, hair style and face undisturbed, fresh and smudge free. Includes matching velour pouch. One size fits all. Made in the UK.

Price each
611034 Clo CapIn Stock


What's in a Number

Number of times Doodle thought it was appropriate to walk into the bedroom to meow for breakfast before I got up: 5

Number of times I had to shout, "Get out of here!" because she was messing around with a plastic bag of laundry (which annoys me and she knows it): 3

Number of cans Doodle had for breakfast: 0 (all the meowing was in vain)

Number of cans I'd better bring home tonight: As many as I can carry

Monday, January 22, 2007

Mandy Moore Was Depressed

Look, people, Mandy isn't just a beautiful 22 year old girl with an acting and singing career, a house in Hollywood, and a 401k, ok? She wants you to know that was depressed, too. Oh, when, you ask? A couple months ago for like five minutes. Not anymore, but she was, so...there you have it.

Doodle says:

I'm licking dried bits of Thursday's wet food off of the hardwood floor because Anne didn't bring home a can tonight, and this beeyotch is depressed? I know about depressed. Mandy can shove her "I was depressed" up her bing bang. Depressed. Please. I bet she got wet food tonight. Geez. Shut your pie hole.

Maurice & Bella: American Gothic

Maurice Says: I Hear You Talking About My Ass

Maurice, 1/20/07

Maurice, 1/20/07

It takes a pretty special cat to wear an ass like that. Maurice is quite regal, dignified, and agile despite his 18 lbs, and I was lucky to make his--and his best friend, Bella's--acquaintance this weekend! Words which came to mind: Sheep, Sheep Dog, Woolly Mammoth, Abominable Snowman, Bumble, Polar Bear, etc...

Don't You Want Me, Baby? ~ Human League

Women Are Better Drivers Because Men Do Stupider Things

It's official, dudes: You may be better parkers, but we're better drivers. So you can put that argument up your bing bang. The study revealed some other interesting facts:

  • The highway death rate is higher for cautious 82-year-old women than for risk-taking 16- year-old boys.
  • New England is the safest region for motorists, despite all those stories about crazy Boston drivers.
  • The safest passenger is a youngster strapped in a car seat and being driven during morning rush hour.

So if you want to be bug on a windshield, your best bet--according to the study--is to be an 82-year-old woman on a motorcycle at 2 a.m. Being drunk is optional; you'll be picked off by a 22 year old dude who'll be drunk enough for the both of you. I recommend a few wine coolers. After all, it's your last ride.

The Patriots Clean Out Their Lockers

New England Haters sigh a sigh of relief, and Peyton Manning (aka Can Head, Alligator Arms, etc...) finally moves on to the Superbowl to play the Bears. Boo. Go Bears.

Peyton Manning and the Geico Lizard: Seperated at Birth?

Don't feel so bad for Tom, he's got more time to spend with Gisele now. Yay for him, boo for me.


It's weird, right?

Saturday, January 20, 2007

Mamas & the Papas' Denny Doherty Dead at 66

This song, Creeque Alley, written by John Phillips, is about the genesis of The Mamas and the Papas, and a fitting tribute to the late Denny Doherty, I think.

(Denny's in the green shirt, second from the right) Michelle Phillips is now the sole surviving member of the band. Goodbye, Denny. You had an incredible voice, and you'll be missed.

Friday, January 19, 2007

Carolyn Castiglia on VH1's (White) Rapper Show

See Anne Name Drop:
She's my friend
She's my friend
She's my friend
She's my friend
She's my friend
She's my friend

Hey, Anne, do you know Carolyn Castiglia?



My Boyfriend's Back And So Is My Blog

But neither is a sure thing, and everything is temporary. So let's celebrate, and Dance the Night Away with Van Halen, shall we? Happy Friday!

Haters Keep Their Publicists Busy These Days

Mel Gibson, Michael Richards, and now Isaiah Washington need their publicists more than ever. What happens though when the star talks shit about their publicist? Then what? Doodle called her publicist a "fat shit" this morning. I'm her publicist. Whatevs.

Anyway, for anyone who thinks that Grey's Anatomy's Isaiah Washington can't live his bad PR down, I've got two words for you:





Injecting Cooking Oil Into Your Buttocks: Not Good

Unless you're looking for an anti-living treatment, then it's highly recommended!

Thursday, January 18, 2007

Chubby Little Loser, Pathetic Little Fat Man

I saw this episode of Extras tonight (featuring David Bowie), and I laughed so hard I'm still choking on my galaktoboureko. Some of it definitely went down the wrong pipe.

#1 Reason Why The Kid Upstairs Seems Louder Than Ever

  1. He has a mustache

Guess I haven't seen him in the flesh in a long time. Apparently 4 year olds who jump off of the sofa grow into 14 year olds who jump off of the sofa.

Doodle Out of Rehab

"Fuck that place. It wasn't for me. I'm fine. Where's Obama? Let's get this party started already."


Doodle Speaks About Decision to Enter Rehab

"I decided it was time to take care of my personal health. Anne and I watch a lot of A&E's 'Intervention,' and well, I believe that demons, which I will not specify, have taken control of my life. In order for me to be well, I need to go away for awhile and work on myself. In other words: I can't run for President in '08 if I don't clean up my act. Please respect my need for privacy at this time and funnel all questions through my publicist. Thank you."


Doodle has also released a photo of herself from rehab itself (above). The facility remarkably resembles the top of the entertainment center, does it not? Incidentally, Mark Foley is rumored to be in the same institution. Hope she doesn't run into him in the cafeteria or anything. Let's all wish her a speedy recovery, shall we?

More Peeps Props

Carolyn Castiglia, everybody!


(Youtube was being a dipshit so I do believe in the near future that this will be posted twice, but..that's nice.)

Did Someone Toot?

Matt Sears, everybody!

More Fun Time Tales From a Nursing Home

One summer someone in the family purchased a bird feeder, and we brought it up to the home on a visit to Foxy one time, figuring it’d be something nice for all the residents to enjoy. While a few of us were hanging out with Foxy in his room, the rest were in the yard installing it. Perhaps the fluttering of birds around the feeder might distract the old folks gazing out the window from the cemetery directly across the street.

Anyway, at one point my sister and my cousin (who were about 5 and 6 respectively) were playing a game with Foxy called “Grab the Dollar.” It was a game that evolved out of his love for the almighty buck, combined with a way to strengthen his hand weakened from the stroke. I was in and out of the room, but I do remember Foxy started fidgeting in his chair (which now only had wheels on the back, having been removed months earlier after his “Looking Around” Expedition on the kitchen) and could not seem to get comfortable. He stopped the game, and kept fidgeting. It appeared as if he wanted out of the chair. The girls came to get me because they didn’t know what was wrong.

“You can’t get out, Foxy. I’m sorry.” I said.

“Move me!” he kept shouting. “Move me!”

“What? You want to be moved? You want me to get a nurse?” I asked.

“Move me! Move me!” More fidgeting side to side. “Move me!”

The nurse was down the hall, and I continued floundering on how to help him. Do you need to go to the john? Do you want to take a nap? Do you want to watch t.v.? The girls were panicking, because he was panicking, and getting more ornery by the minute until finally he shouted,

“Move me! Move me! I’m sittin’ on my balls!”

Nursing Homes and Dignity: Mutually Exclusive

Newbluebaby's post on Judy the Chimp reminded me of a story about my grandfather in the nursing home.

Foxy was in his eighties and had suffered a stroke the year or two before he went into the clink. It was sad. Initially, he hadn't displayed any signs of senility and was obviously upset about having to live there, but he had some health problems that required 24-hour care and were too much for my grandmother who was also in frail health. It was a small equipped facility with a good reputation and right in town, but it wasn't home. When we'd visit, he'd always ask when we were gonna break him out.

One time in the middle of the night, the nurses were doing their rounds and Foxy wasn't in his bed. They found him in the kitchen, sitting in his wheelchair, arms upstretched and rummaging in the cabinets.

"I'm just lookin' around!" he announced.

Then they took the wheels off his chair.

Yaw A Biggah Fan Than I

I met a fellow Masshole on Saturday night. Naturally, our conversation led to the Red Sox and how much we love them. Since we live in NYC and we don't have NESN (the New England Sports Network) our access to televised games is limited to the Sox playing local teams and thus, are quite precious. Here is our conversation, and I think you'll agree that it proves he is a biggah fan than I (in proper Masshole accent):

"Yah! I love the Sawx! I cut a hole in my showah curtain!"


"Yah! So I can watch the games when I showah! Right heeeyah! (demonstrates) I gut a little t.v. on my shelf in theyah! And when my mutha came to town she was like, 'You need another showah curtain thayaz a hole in this one!' and I was like, 'No, Ma! I cut it on purrpiss!"

Biggah. Fan. Than. I.

Art Buchwald Dead at 81

The "Wit of Washington" is gone. He even found time to write a funny book dying while he was dying. RIP, Art. You'll be missed! He even filmed his own Internet Obituary which is on The New York Times website today, and it begins: "Hello, I'm Art Buchwald, and I just died."

Let's Play: Tool or Not a Tool

"He only drinks Fiji bottled water."

This Just In

Doodle checks into rehab. More details as they develop.

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Bonne Bell Watermelon Lip Smacker: Thumbs Up

When I was in Junior High, you didn't leave your house without a Bonne Bell Lip Smacker or two in your Le Sportsac. I remember that the jumbo-sized red flavor was quite the thing. The jumbo size? Really obnoxious. Did anyone ever "finish" one of those things before they got all gross and slimy or stale and you threw it out? Probably. It was Junior High. Lots of re-applications. These days I'm lucky to brush my hair before I go to work, and back then I was "naked" unless the face was painted a la Drag Queen.

At any rate, Whip got me this nice little number in my stocking this year. I recommend it. It's not too watermelony, shiny not waxy. I seem to do a lot of unnecessary, nervous lip licking these days which in this chilly weather leads to an uncomfortable and raw (and sometimes chapping) situation. Splurge n' get yourself one. MAC be damned. Sportsacs are back too, you know. Members Only jackets and Capezios? Right around the corner.

Clam Recipe of the Day: Clam Dip

Clam Dip


1 1/2 cups minced Clams
8 oz Cream Cheese, thinned slightly with milk or lemon juice
1/2 pint Cottage Cheese
1 grated Onion
Garlic Salt, to taste
Dash of Worcestershire Sauce

In large mixing bowl, blend all ingredients well. Chill in refrigerator and serve in a stylish container with assorted chips or raw vegetables. Remember: Stylish container. Makes all the difference.

Pssst! There's a Bug on Your Truck

Hardwick, Vermont 12/22/06

Check Your Mailboxes

Valpak coupons are here! Valpak coupons are here! Valpak coupons are here! Valpak! Here!

No better way to save money than to buy crap or services you wouldn't use unless you were presented with a coupon for it in your mailbox! Get ready for savings!!!

A friend of mine once used a Valpak coupon for repair of his air conditioner. Instead of replacing his behemoth 1978 version for a $199 more energy efficient model, he ended up spending $299 on the "repair" and then another $50 for extra filters. Savings!!!

Restless Leg Syndrome

Restless Leg Syndrome: I don't buy it.

I don't care if they have their own organization, I still don't buy it.

Until I get Restless Leg Syndrome, that is. Then I'll buy it.

But now? Nah. Fake.

A Musical You Won't Suffer Through

Screw The Producers, screw The Lion King, screw Tommy, 42nd Street and Chicago:

EVIL DEAD: THE MUSICAL is by far, the best musical, Broadway or off, that I have ever seen.

I'm serious. I went last night, and I can't say enough good things about this show. No sleeping, no yawning, no rolling your eyes, no boredom. The script is excellent (based on the movie) and very funny. The acting, singing, and dancing is all fantastic, AND most importantly, the special effects are clever (way better than the movie) and include gallons and gallons of --supposedly washable-- "blood." With song titles like "What the Fuck Was That?" and "All The Men in My Life Keep Getting Killed By Candarian Demons" you can't have anything but a wonderful time. I did.

"Evil Dead: The Musical, a ‘dis-arm-ingly’ riotous musical comedy based on Sam Raimi’s 80s cult-classic horror films, unearths the old familiar story: boy and his friends take a weekend getaway at abandoned cabin, boy expects to get lucky, boy unleashes ancient evil spirit, friends turn into Candarian Demons, boy fights until dawn to survive. As musical mayhem descends upon this sleepover in the woods, “camp” takes on a whole new meaning in uproarious numbers like “All the Men in my Life Keep Getting Killed by Candarian Demons,” “Look Who’s Evil Now” and “Do the Necronomicon.” Buzzing chainsaws and dancing demons add to the frenzy, slaying audiences with this tale of lust, love and dismemberment."

Get tickets while you can! And remember, the first three rows are The Splatter Zone, so dress accordingly!

Giada, Giada, Giada

Dear Men In My Life Who Are Obsessed With Giada De Laurentis:

Shut up already with all the drooling and the oogling and the “Giada Giada Giada” and the face an inch from the television when her shows are on the Food Network, all under the guise of learning new recipes. Ok? I mean, please. You don't even cook. Standing in front of the refrigerator in your boxers stuffing a rolled up piece of turkey and slice of cheese in your mouth does not justify you spending hours a week watching a show about preparing meals.

Is she hot? Yes.

Does she have huge distracting cans? Yes.

Does she make gross sexy annoying mouth noises when she’s perkily chopping/tasting/slow roasting/shopping for food? Yes.

Since you can’t get enough of her, Doodle wants to enlighten you with a detail you may have overlooked: If Giada spends that much time preparing, eating and enjoying all those meals, (while making all of those annoying mouth noises) then Giada spends a lot of time in the john taking huge dumps.
So, why don’t you chew on that for awhile, huh, fellas? Great. Thanks. Bye.

More Proof That Bed Bugs Are a British Bug

Ello, Gov'nah!

Most People Are Lame.

Three Words Which I Find Irritating

  1. crust
  2. cluster
  3. crunchy

Bleeeccchh. It's safe to say that I won't be hosting my own cooking show anytime soon.

Top of the Ladd'r To You

Doodle, 1/07