Sunday, August 31, 2008

McCain Courting the Hillary Clinton Vaginas with Sarah Palin's Vagina

The only Hillary supporter I can speak for is myself, and John McCain's choice of Palin is supposed to appeal to my vagina vote. How's that, exactly? I don't see the similarities between the two, frankly. And as a person who possesses a vagina, I can guarantee you, I'm way less concerned about the supposed vagina business of shooting a majestic (and minding his own business) moose/deer/antelope in the head and being photographed with him in a pool of his blood, being photographed as a sexy pregnant librarian draped in my fur and gun collection, or hunting, fishing and drilling, as I am controlling who does the hunting, fishing, and drilling in my vagina business, which is personal, thank you very much. Isn't the Republican Party supposed to be for "less government?" How does it all work? How does a chick patronize a male gynocologist who doesn't have a vag of his own, let alone vote for a chick who is against her own right to choose? No thanks, Sarah Palin. Get bent, and take the old man witcha. Doodle in '08.

Crash: A Movie Review

What I knew about the flick, "Crash," before I saw it by accident tonight on IFC:

  • It featured Matt Dillon (is Matt dumb? Probably. Bangable? Definitely. Maybe. Hello, Little Darlings!)
  • There are some car crashes (educated guess)
  • Focuses on racial issues (but my Korean-American friend didn't feel that Asians were well represented.)

What I Saw:

  • A lot of sex with penises in car accidents AND outside car accidents with vaginas and scars which look like vaginas in and outside car accidents.

ANNE Gives This Movie a: C for Confusing.

Saturday, August 30, 2008

My Uncle Mike Says Woodstock Sucked Balls

And I believe him. See, we're a lot alike, me and my Uncle Mike. How, you ask? Well, we share a great sense of humor, and aside from being the kind of people who don't hesitate pulling up our pants to our tits and running around the living room for a laugh, we find a ton of folks annoying, and we like laughing about folks who annoy us. Oh, and we find nothing funny about traveling to an outdoor music festival and your Woodstock car crew with the camping gear gets shut out by police at the gate for overcrowding while you and your buddy, stuck inside the Woodstock campgrounds searching for a campsite, battle thousands of sweaty hippies in the pouring rain, in torrential vain, with nary a thing but the shirts on your backs for shelter and $5 bananas, and you don't know where your friggin' friends are, 'cause this was before damn cellphones, for cryin' out loud. Then, when you both get sick of your exhaustion, muddy wet feet and being kicked out of a dozen tents by your fill of "generous" hippies, you manage to get the fuck out of there, promised a blessed lift home with some chicks via the roof of a car, but the broad driving decides she don't wanna let you out before the NY State Thruway exit, and so she shouts out the window up at you with a snicker, "OH, NO! WE'RE TAKING YOU TO NYC WITH US!..." and there you are, forced to make the awkward and dangerous jump off off the roof onto the on-ramp at full speed in order to nab another ride to Massachusetts.

Hearing this, I'm sure I'd have hated Woodstock too. And it is with that knowledge that I dedicate the following Woodstock treasure to my Uncle Mike. Mike, please enjoy--this time in the comfort and relative safety of your dry employers. Cheers!

jefferson airplane, grace slick, "white rabbit," 1969

Friday, August 29, 2008

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Bravo, Barack

NY Liberty v Chicago Sky pre-game warmup ~ August 28, 2008

Obama was amazing at the DNC tonight. I wasn't even gonna watch him because as assholish as it may sound, I'm sick of everything. I'm not ready to go through this again; I sobbed when Bush was re-elected, and I still have puffy eyes from it. Plus, I was enjoying the New York Liberty play some WNBA at MSG vs the Chicago Sky tonight in Corporate Le Skye Boxe. Lest you think you could beat any of these broads one-on-one, let me tell you their average height clocks in at 6'4". (Check out the lunge on the referee at half court, aye?) And who says no to such invitations to watch athletic performance in luxury? Only a jerk doesn't like free beer, wings, and cupcakes. Though the Liberty lost by 7 after being tied the whole game (can they still make the playoffs?), it turns out that I got home in time to turn on the t.v. just as Barack was saying that McCain sucks so bad he won't even hunt Bin Laden in his cave or whatevers. So true. Look, I don't know about you, but I can't look at four seconds of McCain's creepy left cheek, let alone 4 years (or 8, as this country seems to dig for some reason). Vote Obama.

oR dOoDlE

Mortified @ Comix 8/25/08 Wrap Up

Mortified's Back-to-School Edition at Comix was mortifyingly hysterical, if I don't say so myself!

Hosted by Brandy Barber (co-producer)

Featuring mortifying material by:

Anne Altman (co-producer)

Mia Lipsit

Sabrina deJesus

Photos by Anya Garrett

Didn't see us this time? Save the date for MORTIFIED
on October 20 and December 15 at Comix in NY or check for a Mortified show in a city near you...

Your Kid is Not Gifted

You can Baby Einstein your ass off, but the truth is: He/She is just a regular kid. Sorry.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

1923 Hump Day

Washington, 1923. "Stamp Division, Post Office."
National Photo Company Collection glass negative, Library of Congress.

I Almost Started a Fight at the US Open Last Night and I'm Proud

Apparently, attendees of elitist sporting events who pride themselves on their big bucks, glamour, and "well-bred sophistication" don't bother to learn or practice basic manners. More later.

Tennis jerks.

Greensboro Grasshopper

Greensboro, Vermont ~ 08/21/08

Monday, August 25, 2008

MORTIFIED NYC! Tonight at Comix

Ripped from the pages of real life, Mortified is a comic excavation of adolescent artifacts (journals, letters, poems, lyrics, home movies, stories and more) as shared by their original authors before total strangers. Watch it live on the Comix stage on August 25!

Co-produced in New York by Anne Altman & Brandy Barber, Mortified has been hailed as a "cultural phenomenon" by Newsweek and celebrated by the likes of This American Life, The Today Show, The Onion AV Club, Entertainment Weekly, Esquire, Jane, Daily Candy and more. The project collects childhood creations and uses them to reveal uniquely autobiographical tales. There are a million stories buried in the pages of ordinary people's lives. Their mission is to simply help find them.
Participants include a wide range of people, from professional performers (comics, celebrities, singers) to total amateurs (architects, ad execs, salesmen) all in the noble pursuit of self-degradation.

Where can you hear grown men and women confront their past with firsthand tales of their... first kiss, first puff, worst prom, fights with mom, life at bible camp, worst hand job, best mall job, and everything in between? Only at Mortified and only at Comix!

MON, AUG 25 @ 8:00 PM
353 West 14th St.
Tickets are $15 in advance and $20 day-of-show plus a two item minimum in showroom can be purchased at or by calling 212.524.2500.

TWO CAN ANNE Olympics Wrap Up


I boycotted the whole thing.

Olympic coverage worth watching, however, was on Animal Planet: Puppy Olympics. Phenomenal. Raw and entertaining feats of young canine athleticism. Just like the "real" olympics it featured underage athletes but without all the creepy Chinese showboating, and environmental and human rights abuse.

Sunday, August 24, 2008

I Did it All with My Mouth

Whitest Kids U Know, "Fart"

What's Up, You Ask?

I'll tell you what's up, yo:

  1. Mad Men, on AMC Tonight, August 24, @ 10 pm EST
  2. MORTIFIED! @ Comix! Tomorrow, August 25, 8 pm! Amazing lineup of brave souls willing to share their teen angst with you. Share the Shame! A Time Out New York (TONY) ***Starred Pick!*** also in featured in New York Magazine this week! Get tickets now at and/or check out for more information.
  3. Meat and Potatoes @The Pit! Friday, August 29, 8 pm!

"America may run on Dunkin'... but when it finally stops to sit down for dinner, it eats Meat and Potatoes! Meat and Potatoes is a hilarious and cathartic new show that takes a look at blue-collar life from the other side. It features "big-city" comedians telling stories about their struggles growing up lower-middle class or even (gulp!) a foreigner. "

Join us for our next installment, featuring:

Kambri Crews (

Anthony Devito (FX's Rescue Me)

Jenny Rubin (WE TV's Cinematherapy)

Adam Wade (ESPN Classics Now)

Hosted by Shawn Hollenbach (Here TV's Busted) and Carolyn Castiglia (VH1)

Friday, August 29 @ 8 pm
154 W. 29th Street

Monday, August 18, 2008

More Evidence Doodle the Cat is Part Dog

Doodle: My muse. Talented feline photographer who is not only toilet trained but enjoys the occasional evening of catnip, lengthy game of fetch and/or staring contest.

Add: Lover of Amercian Beefhide Chicken Basted Rawhide for Dogs to the list. Tossed them into the basket at Walgreen's tonight on a lark, thinkin' she's the kind who'd dig that kind of shit. I was right.

Shameless Self Promotion Week Still Active

The Huffington Post reprinted my Business Week article. And some folks left some nice comments. Believe it. I will give up-to-the-minute Breaking News Buzz on Tips from a Bitter Temp throughout the next hour. Stay tuned*.

*Not really. I'd go to bed if I were you. At the end of the day, nothing that happens to me is likely to affect you, so live your life. Look after yourself. Remember, we all die alone with nothing. Have a nice night and sweet dreams.

A Few Things

If I'm "lucky" enough to become an old lady, there are a couple things I'd like to avoid.

  1. Old lady feet

  2. Old lady open-mouth face

This is also something I'd like to avoid at any age:

Saturday, August 16, 2008

Second Avenue at 34th Street

More About Me: My Article in Yahoo! News

Wow. Now that's news. Sure, I'm not credited for the piece, but Tips from a Bitter Temp is there nonetheless. Check it.

Sunday, August 17, 2008

Help Front Page Films Win the Klondike Bar Video Contest

They've made it to the Final Four---if you like what you see here, vote, and you could win 25K!

After Woody Allen's Vicky Cristina Barcelona

Tuna and Me. Hat by Cha Cha's House of Ill Repute. Corpse Reviver Cocktails by Zach at Louis 6, 4 Terrible.

Which I found to be the most intelligent, delightful, sexy, funny and thought-provoking film I've seen in decades. That's right: I said decades. Go see it.

Friday, August 15, 2008

Anne's Legitimately Published! By Someone Else This Time!

Tips from a Bitter Temp
How to survive in a bureaucracy
written by Anne Altman for BusinessWeek

Illustration by Matthew Woodson, photograph by Dale May, makeup by Sarah Graalman

When I tell people I work at an insurance company, I feel I need to explain myself. Sure, I work in insurance, but I'm "in insurance" about as much as a Giants Stadium security guard is "in professional football." See, I'm a temp. An outsider. My industry? Survival.

I perform and write comedy, which in my case is not lucrative. So I temp and do my funny business on the side. Since moving to New York I've strung together about a dozen long-term temp gigs at big-time, fancy-pants companies. Now, a year after settling in, I still don't know a thing about insurance. But I know a whole lot about surviving in a bureaucracy. Here are five tips from a bitter temp:

Two jobs ago I shared a conference table in a windowless room with 12 other people five days a week. My last gig was a step up: an office in the Empire State Building, a jewel of an historic building with climate control from another century. Imagine my delight when I arrived at my current job to find not only my own air-conditioned cubicle, desk, phone, computer, and Aeron (MLHR) chair, but a nearby pantry stocked with free coffee, milk, and cereal—including my guilty pleasure, Corn Pops (K).

Each time I'm assigned to a new company, it's like moving to a new country. I've got to learn the local language. In my current office, the underwriters talk about "sublimits," "percentage deductibles," and "quota-share excess renewals." It's Greek to me. There's also an account service notification form, otherwise known as an ASNF. Say that one aloud and see if you don't laugh as hard as I did.

Bureaucracies are big on protocol. There's a right way to do everything—like recording your voice mail message. My company manual suggests this: "Hello. This is Anne Altman. I am unavailable . Please leave a message and I'll return your call as soon as possible. Thanks and have a nice day." Here's what I'd really like to say: "Hi. This is Anne Altman and I'm screening your call. I will most likely reply to your voice mail with an e-mail so I don't have to speak with you. Buzz off."

Bureaucracies are little subcultures that sometimes seem more like cults. Take sales meetings. They bear a cult's telltale signs: leader (an over-caffeinated VP of sales), mantra (Accelerate in 2008!), big production number ("The Future's So Bright, I Gotta Wear Shades"), and ritualistic insignia (logo-emblazoned totes). I sit in the back where nobody can catch me scrawling "KILL ME PLEASE" on my handout.

Settle in. Master the language. Sip the Kool-Aid. But remember: You could be out on a moment's notice. I was once denied a dollar-an-hour raise. At first I was insulted. But the next week two execs were canned with no notice, led down the hall like criminals, and spirited out with a "We'll mail you the contents of your desk." Young guys right out of college were speechless. Me? I poured myself a bowl of Corn Pops and sat back down in my Aeron chair.

I've adapted so well to my new environment that my boss wants to offer me a job, make me legit: an underwriter. "So, Anne," he said. "Do you like insurance?" After some stalling I said: "Look, I don't understand this stuff, but I love the cereal here. I love the chairs. I really, really like a few of the people, and I'd like to stay. How can we make that happen? Could I have a demotion? Order staplers and stuff? That I know how to do."

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Remember When Your Dad Caught You Smooching Your Prom Date on the Beach?

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Lord of the Flies on Caspian Lake

Caspian Lake, VT ~ 8/10/08

It's every kid for themselves; the grownups are busy drinkin' on the dock.

Doodle vs Small Flying Insect

Doodle, NYC
"Young man in dormitory room."
More baseball cards. Our cadet has calendars for 1910 and 1911 on the wall, and a crest for maybe a military school or service academy on the bed. National Photo Company Collection glass negative, Library of Congress. from

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Someone's Dreaming of Wide Open Spaces in Which to Kill Stuff and Take a Piss and/or Dump

Doodle, NYC
August 12, 2008, high noon
After completing a commute which began in Vermont at 3 am.

The More the Merrier, I Always Say

Provided the more are indeed merrier. If they're lame, fuck it; I'd rather not. Thanks, anyway, though. We're good.

We Call This a New Car and You Call Those Hooters?

The only thing Hooter-sized about you is them zits, honey. Spend that settlement on that there Jessica Simpson's ProActiv Solution, okay, doll? There you go. Everything's gonna be alright. Except that you'll probably make that baby step into porn because Momma's boyfriend touched you. But, c'est la vie. Take care. Very burned, you are! Vroom vrooooooom! Vrooommmmmmm!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Doodle's Vermont Photography Project: Overwhelming Success

Doodle's Vermont Vacation requires a more detailed post, as it was an exercise in extreme emotions. However, all's well that ends well, and not only did we return with Doodle in tact (this was not a given--for 52 hours my heart was heavy with grief), we returned with Mr. Lee's Cat Cam in tact, and to boot: 191 amazing pictures taken by Doodle. Turns out she's an ace with a camera. Our many thanks go out to everyone who supported Doodle's Vermont Vacation and Photography Project, and it is my pleasure to dedicate the following to you:

Doodle's First Photo: Dawn in Greensboro, Vermont
Monday, August 4, 2008