Monday, July 30, 2007

That's a Grape Cocktail

Here are a few drinks which sound perfect to me on a hot summer day:


Grape Juice, Vodka, Club Soda (or ginger ale) and lime

and if you're more ambitious...

360 Degrees

Rum, Grape Juice, Vodka, Gin, Blue Curacao, Sour Mix, Lime Juice, Grapefruit Juice.


Triumph (TR3)
Late 1950's, location unknown.

Weird Honeymoon Photos

Here's the happy couple on their wedding day:

Here's the happy couple on their wedding night:

Um, gross? Yes. Gross.

Blicky blicky doo doo.

Sunday, July 29, 2007

Who's Ready for Karaoke?

Get your practice on; it's goin' down.

My Dixie Darling

Jade Mountain Restaurant

I posted recently about the sad closing this year of Jade Mountain Restaurant which opened on Second Avenue in 1931. This weekend the family had a Jade Mountain tag sale to sell the joint's contents, as they've rented the space to another tenant. I spotted the sale on my way downtown last night, and this afternoon I returned to purchase a little Jade Mountain history for myself: 4 Buffalo China small oval dinner plates and 8 bowls (4 small and 4 large), a few matchbooks and a menu. In my chat with Steve, the owner's grandson, I learned the reassuring news that the neon will not be destroyed. He's already gotten a few offers for the large JADE MOUNTAIN; if he doesn't sell it, he says he'll donate it to a neon museum in Colorado. Thankfully, Steve's keeping the CHOW MEIN sign for himself; Grandpapa Chan can rest peacefully knowing that.

Jade Moutain Restaurant Tag Sale

Second Avenue, NYC

July 28, 2007

According to Google, I'm a Crab Flavor Producing Expert

So...please address me as such, thank you.

PS: Throw that incomplete set of dictionaries from the 1930's away, folks: Two Can Anne is your go-to source of information about absolutely anything. Don't forget that I know a lot of crap.

Weird Engagement Photos Part I

Meet Reverend Anne Altman

So, I'm pretty much an ordained minister with the Universal Life Church now, folks. That's right, and as a newly ordained minister with the ULC, I have all rights and privileges to perform all duties of the Ministry. Which means I can marry all y'all, depending on the laws in your state. No big deal I guess that I can't perform legal weddings in my own state at this time; I'm sure it does nothing to tarnish my credibility, but simply gives me an excuse to travel, right? You peeps totally stoked about getting hitched in Hawaii should totally inquire within about flying me out there and whatnot.

Who, Me and Eddie? We Love Rainy Nights

And you too, of course.

Boys Beware

Homosexuals may appear normal.

For Martin, DeeAnne and the Rest of Yous

Wanna Buy Some Police Auction Shit?

Go to and knock yourself out. That ol' bike n' junk sale at the police station parking lot has now gone global, baby and now everyone can log onto some loot. Don't feel guilty about wearing that stranger's grandmother's necklace around. She'd want you to have it. You always were her favorite.
Lexington Avenue facing North at E. 36th Street ~ NYC
3:32 a.m.
July 29, 2007

Saturday, July 28, 2007

Get on in there and get your Xerox copies.
Upper East Side ~ NYC
July 2007

Friday, July 27, 2007

Damn Right

I Abuse Animals By Smooching Them Against Their Will

Doodle enjoying a smooch from me, and totally comfortable with it, July 25, 2007

Max enjoying a smooch from me, and similarly to Doodle, totally comfortable with it, July 27, 2007

Bing Bing Arms

Oh, you'll know when you're officially getting old. When is that, you ask, exactly? Oh, right about about the time the simple tippy taps of your fingertips on the laptop make your tricep flabbers start bouncing off the very bone itself, you sedentary a-hole. That's when.


PS It's happening.

PPS Tomorrow, the gym is happening.

Friedrich Nietzsche Quote of the Day

"A woman may very well form a friendship with a man, but for this to endure, it must be assisted by a little physical antipathy."

-Friedrich Nietzsche

Ain't that the truth.

AKA: The Harry Met Sally Debate

I Wuv Woofies

Max @ Midnight
Lexington Avenue ~ NYC
July 26, 2007

Query for the Male Masses

You go to the men's room, and the two urinals on each end of a triple are being occupied. Do you use the one in the middle, flanked by two dudes, or use the toilet in the stall?

Udderly Ridiculous

*drawing by m. lillie and t. boechler*

According to this article in, cow tipping is a mathematic impossibility.

However, ask Doodle about cat tipping sometime. That shit works...

Phabulous Photo Phor Phriday

Robin Hood and Maid Marian

Massholes Say What?

I was talking with my sistah this mawnin' and she stahhted doin' a cheeah from high school which stahts like this:




Thursday, July 26, 2007

At SYM'S an Educated Consumer is Their Best Customer

And an educated consumer realizes at SYMS to close your eyes during the trip to their gang-style dressing room. It's unforgettable for all the wrong reasons, that is for certain.

The Hasidic woman in the open stall next to me had more pit hair than my ex-boyfriend. I'm all for au natural and whatnot, but if you're gonna go Tarzan under the arms, why bother with the freakin' wig on the dome piece? Bliccky bliccky doo doo. Aye, 'tis depressing.

Kloton, North Dakota

Bank of Kloton, Kloton, ND
Circa 1910

Help--He's Stuck in Europe--Buy Him on eBay.

"...Met a 35 year old Australian man in the military who drove us to Prague, Poland (on accident), Slovakia (for lunch), and then Austria. We took a train to Venice to meet up with a fashion designer, slept in the train station and headed into the Italian Alps with our friend Massimo. We worked in the Parajumper Clothing factory, drove tractors, jumped into rivers, and ate Italian food for one week in the mountain town of Vas. We still don't know how that worked out so well. We then trained it to Rome where we would stay three days with the ex-love-of-my-life-turned-lesbian who lit my hand on fire with a shot of 190 proof liquor. I lost a wallet and a wristwatch in Bangkok, my cellphone in Cambodia, and my video camera was left on a train in Padova, Italy. I do however still have my passport...

Which brings us to a small town in the Netherlands...?

Smith is flying home on Monday the 23rd back to Boston. I on the other hand have no more money, hence the reason for this posting.

I am auctioning off 1 week of labor to anyone in the Continental United States in exchange for a ticket home from England between August 1st and 7th 2007.

The bidding is simple, go online ie...,,, and figure the cost of a one way ticket from anywhere in England to the destination of your choice, and bid that amount. Look for budget airlines, and ask about deals for 20 year old students. (I'm a 20 year old student)..."

No more complaining about never having a date to anything, people. Buy this dude.

Detailed Information on Your Imitation Crab Meats

Crab Sticks

"Crab sticks are made out of White Pollack Meat (SURIMI), mixed with different edible additions(crab extract, crab flavour, seasonins etc.) These unique crab finger shaped style have gained great popularity over the past few years all over the world. They represent low fat healthy food." -Hanil Corporation

-Surimi-Water-Wheat starch, Tapioca starch-Egg white, Soy bean oil-Salt, Sugar-Sorbitol, Isolated soy protein-Crab extract, Crab flavor, Crab seasoning-Natural color

Weird Wedding Photos Part MVCCLLMVM

Weird Wedding Photos Part MCCCVVVXLV

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Feel Free to Slap Me

I just bought these from the vending machine with someone else's money and ate the whole thing.

I am shameless and disgusting.

I like old man candy.

Floor Watermelons

35th and Lexington Deli
July 25, 2007
I'm buying one of those suckers tonight and make me a couple of hats.

Some People Don't Like Condoms

What's weirder: People who don't like condiments.

It doesn't make sense. I thought the only person in the world who didn't like condiments was my uncle, but now I hear a colleague talking about how she hates them too.

Mustard, mayonnaise, relish, ketchup, hot sauce, what's not to like?

"No condiments for me please! I do not like flavor, moistness, variety. Or color."

Weird Wedding Photos Part MCCMCVVVXLV

Dogs are Squirrely Sometimes

A Cute Woof Woof on 35th and Lexington
New York City, July 25, 2007

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Memorable Laughing Fit Which Almost Got Me Fired

Someone in the world googled "beano doesn't work" today and got my blog, so the thing is hilarious all around. One of the hits which the gas bag "beano failure" received was one of my posts concerning a real conversation I had at my last job which inspired one of the best laughing fits I can recall. What I do remember is a lot of dirty looks from colleauges -including my boss -who didn't find anything about my fits funny. Come to think of it, they didn't find me funny, nor I, them. No wonder it didn't work out.

Let's revisit that one again, shall we? It's a classic. Please enjoy, #1 Reason Why I'm a Terrible Person.

How to Juggle

Is the Man Blocking Your Access to the Web?

Well, here's a solution for you (and me). While the weather's good, get your fat ass to one of New York City's parks for free wifi compliments of

Manhattan - Central Park - The Central Park Zoo: visit location portal
Manhattan - Central Park - The Dana Discovery Center: visit location portal
Manhattan - Central Park - The Delacorte Theater: visit location portal
Manhattan - Central Park - Merchants Gate/Columbus Circle: visit location portal
Manhattan - Central Park - Sheep Meadow: visit location portal
Manhattan - Central Park - Summerstage: visit location portal
Manhattan - Central Park - The Dairy Visitor's Center/Wollman Rink: visit location portal
Manhattan - 79th St. Boat Basin: visit location portal
Manhattan - Battery Park: visit location portal
Manhattan - Union Square Park: visit location portal
Manhattan - Washington Square Park: visit location portal
Bronx - Pelham Bay - Orchard Beach: visit location portal
Bronx - Pelham Bay - Golf House: visit location portal
Bronx - Van Cortlandt Park - Golf House: visit location portal
Brooklyn - Prospect Park - Boat House: visit location portal
Brooklyn - Prospect Park - Picnic House: visit location portal
Queens - Flushing Meadows Corona Park- Zoo: visit location portal

See you in Battery Park! I'll be the cute one watching a video of a hamster eating popcorn.

Monday, July 23, 2007

Save the Date: Sharpie in Mortified on August 29

The Mortified screening on Saturday at was at a sweet space (Go Studios) was a great success; my fellow producer Brandy and I (along with Giulia Rozzi and Law Tarello) enjoyed the company of peeps far and wide (and of all ages) who shared with us their delightfully horrible teen angst which they vented in journals, diaries, notes, poems and song lyrics. All I can say is, hold on to your hormones, zitfaces--this show is not to be missed.

Make sure you get tickets for our long-anticipated first time back live on stages of NYC after the short summer hiatus:
in NYC on

Wednesday, August 29 at Mo Pitkin's at 7 pm.

Ticket information should be up soon, so check back. Act fast, because shit will sell out, yo.
Also, don't forget about the book! (I'm in it and shit, remember?)

Seriously, don't make me TP your house. If I don't, Brandy will. And she's not to be messed with. For reals. I wouldn't fuck with her.

1950's Brunswick Bowling Bench

For sale on eBay.

Or blowing bench, depending on how fast you roll.

Mahna Mahna 69


Mahna Mahna '76

Who Doesn't Love Frank?

Frank ~ The Best in the World ~ in The Greatest City in the World
Sunday, July 22, 2007

How Deep is Your Love?

Speaking of Squirrels

Seriously Lying

Anne started to strip the paint off of the radiator, and she didn't finish. Don't judge her.

Doodle, July 21, 2007

Another Day, Another Dollar

Another day, another piece of advice I give and don't take.

PS Don't listen to me.

PPS I should be a shrink.

Room with a View

Looking Southwest

Looking West

Empire State Building ~ Sunday, July 22, 2007

Anne at Work Today

When I found out that the conference room I wanted to book for our meeting wasn't available.

Anne's Question of the Day: Who Sucks?

Who sucks?

The White Stripes with Porter Wagoner

At Madison Square Garden tomorrow night, kids. I'll be there. You know how it is, people like to invite me to stuff. Anyway, I'm generally excited about the White Stripes, but wicked super exicted to see Porter Wagoner.

For you young folks, here's a clip from the late 60's of Porter with Dolly singing "Move it on Home" on his show The Wagon House.

Oh, and here are the White Stripes for you old folks:

How Many Times?

How many times should you be allowed to utter "No doubt about it" in a conversation?

I say just once.

Say it any more than one time, and the other person says to themselves, "Oh, that must be his phrase! Lame..." Then they'll involuntarily keep a running tally in their head, completely ignorning everything you're talking about, so consumed with when they'll hear the next "No doubt about it" from you, the "No doubt about it" Guy.

Weird Wedding Photos Part MVLICCMVVI

This is the Makeup I'd Wear to Rob a Gas Station

Rome, New York~
Rome Woman Arrested in Gas Station Robbery

Oneida County Sheriff’s deputies have arrested a suspect in Monday’s armed robbery of a gas station in Rome.

Jaquelyn R. Colmey, 23, of 315 ½ N. Charles St., Rome, faces a felony robbery charge related to the 10:30 p.m. robbery at the Optima gas station in the Wal-Mart shopping center on Rome-Taberg Road, deputies said.

Investigators released images of the suspect taken from the store’s video surveillance tape. The sheriff’s office received several calls from the public, which helped them identify the suspect, deputies said.

Colmey was arraigned in Rome City Court and lodged at the Oneida County Jail in lieu of $50,000 bail, deputies said.

-- Pedro Ramirez III

Rainy Day and Monday Got You Down?