Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Up to the Couple of Hours Ago New Years Eve Coverage from Doodle the Cat

New Year's Eve 2008
Our bathroom ceiling~ NYC
Photograph by Doodle the Cat

Sunday, December 28, 2008

Up to the Couple Days Ago Reporting from Doodle in Vermont

Photo by TWO CAN ANNE's Feline Photography Correspondent, Doodle the Cat.
Taken under the back porch, looking up at the very bottom of the rain chain, a drift of snow, the barn, and one glorious bright blue sky (one of one we had while we were there).
December 25, 2008
Greensboro, Vermont

Monday, December 22, 2008

Rollin' Wit M' Homos 4 Da Holidaze

We took Tuna out for his birthday tonight for a festive evening at the Spotted Pig in the Village. Afterwards, Dave drove the three of us (he has an automobile!) over to Nowhere on 14th Street for a nightcap and a sighting of Dirty Santa and Naughty Elves (who never made it) and maybe some eye candy / cock and balls for the fellas under the mistletoe. Here's what we freaked out to on the car ride over with the windows down like common gay hoods. 

Please enjoy Tuna's Birthday Car Ride Mix. Are you ready for to get your freak on now please? Cause if you ain't ready, don't listen to this. You gotta be ready to freak. Are you ready? You're welcome.

Missy Elliot

Gwen Stefani


Friday, December 19, 2008

This is Snow?

No. THIS is snow.
Oswego, NY

Let It Doodle, Let It Doodle, Let It Doodle

Doodle ~ Swampscott, MA ~ 1999

J Burg in 1980

Johnsonburg Hotel
Johnsonburg, PA ~ Summer 1980
Birthplace of Laurietta Louise Heckendorn Altman
photo by Maggie Altman

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

The World is Waiting for the Sunrise

Les Paul and Mary Ford.

PJ O'Rourke Weighs in on Benders

When Do I Hit the Fender of This Bender?

On my mother's recommendation a few years ago, I Netflixed The Lost Weekend. Per usual, it's amazing; Mom's got impeccable taste in everything.

Ironically, Googling benders for no reason at all that I can think of, I landed on They profiled The Lost Weekend in their piece on benders--please enjoy their snippet:

The Lost Weekend
Directed by Billy Wilder, 1945

This groundbreaking and gritty view of the bender captured the Best Picture Oscar for good reason. Though essentially an anti-drinking piece, it also contains some choice pro-drinking dialogue.

Best Scene: Ray Milland as Don Birnam has a tete-a-tete with bartender Nat about the pros and cons of the hard stuff:

“It shrinks my liver, doesn't it, Nat? It pickles my kidneys, yeah. But what does it do to my mind? It tosses the sandbags overboard so the balloon can soar. Suddenly I'm above the ordinary. I'm competent, supremely competent. I'm walking a tightrope over Niagara Falls. I'm one of the great ones. I'm Michelangelo, molding the beard of Moses. I'm van Gogh, painting pure sunlight. I'm Horowitz, playing the Emperor Concerto. I'm John Barrymore before the movies got him by the throat. I'm Jesse James and his two brothers--all three of 'em. I'm W. Shakespeare. And out there it's not Third Avenue any longer— it's the Nile, Nat, the Nile—and down it moves the barge of Cleopatra."

Christmas Ain't for Kids

I love all the booze and stogies and the wrapping paper with the red trees and deer. That's not just a regular old ash tray; it's for executives.
"Christmas 1949 in Valparaiso, Indiana. That's Grandma in a Kodachrome slide."View full size.

So it's the Morning After the Office Holiday Party and You're Covered in Bruises

Washington circa 1925. "Western Electric Co. group."
National Photo Company Collection glass negative. View full size.

At least you made it home*.

*You know this because it's where you woke up. Right? You did wake up, right? Because I think I'm dead.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Only Cause You Know It's Good

The Who, You Better You Bet, 1981

It's Heated Donut Season

Doodle, NYC, 2007
I think if I dragged this thing out of storage, Doodle would be 20% less annoying

Monday, December 15, 2008

Got Holiday Angst?



Hosted by Anne Altman

Featuring the horrendous angst of:

Rebecca Ciletti, Jessica Richling, Emlyn Morinelli, Brandy Barber, Giulia Rozzi, Todd Rosenberg, Anne Altman, Adam Newman

Monday, December 15

8 pm

Broken Glass: Photographs of the South Bronx by Ray Mortensen

Ray Mortenson, Untitled (7-16-6), 1984, Gelatin silver print. © Ray Mortenson, courtesy Janet Borden, Inc.

At the Museum of the City of New York now through March 8.
"NEW YORK.- Documenting the abandoned, burnt out, and razed structures of entire city blocks in the South Bronx in the aftermath of the 1970s, during which this neighborhood experienced dramatic decline, Broken Glass: Photographs of the South Bronx by Ray Mortenson will be on view at the Museum of the City of New York from November 14, 2008 through March 9, 2009. The 50 black and white cityscapes and interiors on view—five of which are large-scale—were taken between 1982 and 1984, and they vividly illustrate the results of a downslide that began in the Great Depression of the 1930s and accelerated with the construction of the Cross Bronx Expressway in the 1950s and the fiscal crisis of the 1970s. Broken Glass is Mortenson’s first museum exhibition in New York City, and it is the first presentation of the South Bronx photographs..."
Read the rest of this article from here.

Tuesday-Sunday, 10 am - 5 pm

1220 5th @ 103rd

Sunday, December 14, 2008

I'm Not Saying the 80's Were Gay, I'm Saying They Were Gay

Howard Jones, Like to Get to Know You Well, 1980whatever

It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Angstgiving

Did you know that enjoying pathetic teen crap as shared onstage by its original authors makes you feel better about being a waste of space, underachieving adult? 

monday, december 15, 2008
8 pm

Seats only $10 with code MORT at checkout @ (day of show tickets: $20). Listen up, penny pinchers: Code expires at midnight.

Easy Way to Avoid Botox in the Forehead: Get Banged

I did. Butterfly cut me some cutie pie fringe along the forehead tonight, and they make me look at least 6 weeks younger than I did when I walked in. Add a hat, and I'm a Gelfling

Here's a Farewell Kiss, You Dog

Bush getting pegged with couple shoes and an introductory advertisement for Intervention on A&E? It doesn't get any better than this. Although a good old-fashioned, full-on, shoe-ing would be amazing. Only two projectiles sort of leaves you wanting more. 

Happy Sunday

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Today Doodle Gets an A in Annoying

Right up in my grill. All. Day. Long. You would think that a spacious apartment would be big enough for the two of us. And you wouldn't think that an adorable whiskerlicious 7 pound vocal bag of fur could terrorize so, but Doodle exceeds expectations. 

Doodle, NYC, 2006

Beat It

Seriously. Get the hell out of here. 

Friday, December 12, 2008

All I'm Sayin' Is

I worked the corporate Holiday Party at The Ritz last night and not only wasn't I the drunkest (a one-time streak, I was close), I didn't fall down.

 Some other broad did. 

Yay for me!

Doodle Rocks

Doodle, NYC, 2007
Do yourself a favor and click on this image for maximum rocks. Doodle will learn ya on how a hot chick can trot out the mustache n' beard: and you didn't think furry could be sexy? You're welcome.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Weird Wedding Photos Part MCLMMLLVMVV

This photo disturbs me in so many ways that I need a minute collect myself.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Tonight at Comix: True Tales from...College

The adorable Adam Wade and Jake Goldman (two decorated Mortified veterans) are responsible for the following mania at 7:30 tonight @ Comix's Ochi's Lounge:

TRUE TALES FROM....COLLEGE -- Adam Wade and Jake Goldman present this new monthly storytelling show with stories ranging from the absurd to the heartfelt, you'll hear true stories from comics, writers and everyday people. Hosted by Adam Wade and Jake Goldman - two very nice people.

I couldn't agree more! 

Don't let the rain keep you inside, kids. A little rain ain't never hurt nobody. Unless you're a witch. You a witch or what, yo?

Yo, What Up, Dog (Chill I'm a Cat)

By the delightful Gordon Lubell! Bravo, Gordon. 

Thanks for forwarding this to me and Doodle, Brandy. She loves it.

Tuesday, December 09, 2008

I Don't Care What I Think: I'm Back! (Pretend I Left)

Kiss, Back in the New York Groove

Many years since I was here, on the street I was passin' my time away
To the left and to the right, buildings towering to the sky
It's outta sight in the dead of night
Here I am, again in this city, with a fistful of dollars
And baby, you'd better believe

I'm back, back in the New York Groove
I'm back, back in the New York Groove
I'm back, back in the New York Groove
Back in the New York Groove, in the New York Groove

In the back of my Cadillac
A wicked lady, sittin' by my side, sayin' 'Where are we?'
Stop at Third and Forty-three, exit to the night
It's gonna be ecstacy, this place was meant for me

Feels so good tonight, who cares about tomorrow
So baby, you'd better believe


I'm back, back in the New York Groove (repeats out)

My All-Time Favorite Late Night Conan O'Brien Clip Featuring Andy Richter and Matt Lauer: Katie Around?

I read today that Jimmy Fallon is taking over for Conan. This could be extremely old news, I realize, but I reacted all the same with a "Yuck," as I would. Having suffered through his horrendous "Boston" accent in Fever Pitch and all the other crap, I do believe I'm justified. 

I invite you to enjoy my very favorite Late Night with Conan O'Brien Clip Featuring Andy Richter and Matt Lauer as we celebrate not Fallon's replacement of Late Night with Conan O'Brien, but Conan's replacement of Leno. Ding, dong, the witch is dead, yo. Here's to Conan reviving the Tonight Show slot! Viva, Conan.

The Latest From My Sister, Whipcreamy

Erin-ism: (noun) A phrase or word which my sister fucks up unwittingly and hilariously to friends', family's, and last but not least, her delight.

"Ok, then...I'll be home on the couch, curdled up with a cookbook."

What Kind of Christmas Tree Family Are You?

  • Real vs. Fake
  • Tall vs. Fat
  • Star vs. Angel
  • Tinsel vs. No Tinsel
  • Colored Lights vs. White Lights
  • Designer Decorations vs. Everything Decorations (even the macaroni/popsicle sticks/felt n' glitter stuff from Kindergarten)
  • Up the day after Thanksgiving vs. Up whenevs
  • Down on New Years day vs. Down on December 26

The Altman Xmas Family tree:
Real, tall, star, no tinsel, colored lights, everything decorations, up whenevs, down on December 26.

Monday, December 08, 2008

It's That Time Again: Look at the Tree!

"Look at the Tree," by John Roberts.

Feed a Lousy Mutt in the New Economy Won't You?

Click here; it's free! And if you're one of those very generous folks buying your family and friends a little something for the holidays this year, please check out their cute pet stuff for sale; you can find the perfect little gift for someone (I'd like these, please) and benefit the animals too. Yay all around!

Two Can Anne's Hot Tips: Where to Invest in the New Economy

Fail safe industries through the New Year and beyond:
  • antacid
  • Lotto
  • booze
  • drugs
  • cigarettes 
  • guns
  • hookers
  • bombs
  • Chinese lessons
  • rosaries
  • hand baskets
  • Moon tickets

RU HI ENUF4 the Hi-Fi, Dear?

"9038 Wonderland Park Avenue, Los Angeles, 1958. Case Study House No. 21." Architect: Pierre Koenig. Color transparency by Julius Shulman. View full size.

Managing Stress in the New Economy

I'm afraid I have no advice for you this afternoon.
This day gets a grade of:


Ways to Enjoy Yourself in the New Economy: See Mortified on December 15

Was your holiday party cancelled this year? Probably. Why don't you come on out to Comix on Monday, December 15 and surround yourself with (and drown yourself in) holiday cheer? No, it's not exactly free, but with discount code MORT, you can save $5 on your ticket. Just an early Christmas gift from me, ok? From the heart? And you'll have a couple of drinks and some laughs? And I'll be hosting the show, most likely looking terrific, and I've got an amazing lineup of adults reading the crap they wrote when they were teens to delight you and remind you that you weren't the only dork roaming the earth at 13.

Ripped from the pages of real life, Mortified is a comic excavation of adolescent artifacts (journals, letters, poems, lyrics, home movies, stories and more) as shared by their original authors before total strangers. Watch it live at Comix on December 15!

Produced by Anne Altman, Mortified has been hailed as a "cultural phenomenon" by Newsweek and celebrated by the likes of This American Life, The Today Show, The Onion AV Club, Entertainment Weekly, Esquire, Jane, Daily Candy and more. The project collects childhood creations and uses them to reveal uniquely autobiographical tales. There are a million stories buried in the pages of ordinary people's lives. Their mission is to simply help find them. Participants include a wide range of people, from professional performers (comics, celebrities, singers) to total amateurs (architects, ad execs, salesmen) all in the noble pursuit of self-degradation.

Where can you hear grown men and women confront their past with firsthand tales of their... first kiss, first puff, worst prom, fights with mom, life at bible camp, worst hand job, best mall job, and everything in between? Only at Mortified and only at Comix!

MON, DEC 15 @ 8:00 PM
353 West 14th St.

Tickets are $15 in advance and $20 day-of-show plus a two item minimum in showroom. Tickets can be purchased at or by calling 212.524.2500.

Weird Wedding Photos Part MVLCMMVMVVV

Please, I so sorry the interruption, I invite you to watch please I play violin on bread please. Now, give me money and I bless you, or you suffer curse worse than herpes on eyeballs. Ok? Please.

Sunday, December 07, 2008

A Day in the Life of a Celebrity: I'm Just Like You!

It's halftime, so I'm off to Walgreen's to buy some tampons, pain killers, and cat food. Friends of mine have their staff make purchases like these, but I like to keep it real by buying them myself. 

In a hat and sunglasses, of course.

My big gripe with the new Walgreen's is that they don't sell beer or my favorite soap, Dr. Bronner's. I used to be able to go to the weird Mom & Pop Value Pharmacy across the street for the soap at least, but Walgreen's snuffed them out within 6 months. I knew it would happen. That place was treading water the past few years, and business surely wasn't helped by their bitchy night manager with whom I got into a fight with over their piece of shit, self-serve, 5 cent copier in the back. He heard me open the paper drawer and rushed over with a nasty "Do you need any help?" which wasn't an offer of help and only meant, "You're breaking it, stop opening the drawers and stuff" and then basically accused me of stealing paper and lying about how many copies I made as I checked out. I said something like, "Are you serious? You can't talk to me like that, dude. I'm the only customer in this place (I was), and I spend $50 a week in here (I didn't), and you're lucky I don't come in here just to take a dump on this machine, because I'll be taking my business elsewhere, you prick!" just as a really hot guy walked in the door. 

I went back on my promise to him, myself, and the hot guy a few weeks later. In a hat and glasses. I figured as long as the bitchy night manager didn't recognize me, for all he knew, I did take my business elsewhere. 

Ah, well. Thanks to another big chain store, no more 5 cent copies or Dr. Bronner's. Maybe I'll fill out one of those comment cards at Walgreen's and tell them how they're doing. I'll mention that I'd appreciate it if they carried a nice selection of beer and my favorite soap. 

Or maybe I'll have my staff do that part. That's paperwork. I hate paperwork. 

I Had a Dream Last Night

That Somali pirates stole my Filofax.

Friday, December 05, 2008

Proud and Progressive: Me Too

I come from one of those huge families that folks like to be around. Sure, we've got our share of weirdos and problems, but we're a ton of fun, open and friendly and silly. And not in a "We're wearing the same Christmas sweater but not ironically; it's just that we really just love these sweaters and isn't it cute we're all wearing the same one today" kind of way. With us, well, first of all, we drink. And it's a whole lotta Altman good ol' lampshade on the head ha ha ha with a healthy dose of O'Leary Irish to cut the sweet, and people who marry into us, despite their economic circumstances, are in my opinion always marrying up. More times than not, those married-ins are equally awesome, increasing the goodness for all. Take for example my Portland*-based Aunt Sandi (who married my Dad's favorite bro) and her brand new blog, Proud and Progressive. Welcome her, won't you? Yay! 

*Portland, Seattle, same diff

It's Not That I'm Not Happy to Be Employed

It's just that I want to smoke pot and play bongos all day in the nude. Which is why I just bought $5 worth of Lotto tonight. Don't smirk; I have a good feeling about this.

Weird Wedding Photos Part MLVMCCVMCV

Ok...Don't look now, but is there a super creepy guy standing behind me with a gloved hand on my shoulder?

Speaking of weddings and gloves, we recently had a discussion in the office about wedding rings. Greenberg was pestering another fella about why he doesn't wear his wedding ring, and he was explaining that it nothing to do with fidelity, it's just that he's not a ring guy. Not a jewelry guy. I can understand this, because despite their bizarre and wonderful 40 years of marriage and commitment, my folks aren't wedding ring folks. They own wedding rings, and keep them in the respective jewelry repository accoutrement on their dressers, but for whatever reason, whether it be comfort or size (as in my Dad's case, someone always working on cars, or my Mom's case: someone who has thankfully--but to her chagrin--gained a few pounds since her 96 lb wedding day) my parents haven't been into rings. One day, I asked my Mom about the lack of ring thing, and she told me the story of some friend from the club who was at the gym one day showering after a workout. She needed to adjust the plastic shower curtain, and while she was messing with it, she slipped. The wedding ring on her finger got caught on one of the clips, and as she fell, the shower curtain ring which was snag on her wedding ring literally de-gloved her finger. Let's just say that there was a lawsuit, and I understand why folks don't wear wedding rings. Live and let live, folks. Do whatever you need to do. I just want you to be happy. Can't we just be happy?

Thursday, December 04, 2008

Da Fambly Bidniz

Washington D.C. circa 1924.
"Southern Auto Supply Co."
A nice holiday display of A-K radios and B&D power tools...and Champion spark plugs.
National Photo glass negative.

Weird Wedding Photos Part MCLMMVMVMVV

I've heard you're supposed to play dead if you're attacked by zombies. And it's recommended that you pay special attention to cover your head, because they're after your brain. Zombies are easily destroyed by fire, apparently, so extra gasoline on hand helps too. Good luck.

Feel Free to Buy Me This Camper Thing

In Memoriam: Ione Hicks Morefield, Poet & Nurse

Caspian Lake, VT 2007

Ione Hicks Morefield

IONE HICKS MOREFIELD, 100, of Flatwoods, widow of Bernard Richard Gorman and Charles E. Morefield (and grandmother of DeeAnne and Bob Gorman), died Tuesday, December 2, in Our Lady of Bellefonte Hospital. She was a Registered Nurse in the Clifton Forge, Va., area. Funeral service 11 a.m. Saturday, Calvary Episcopal Church; burial at Bellefonte Memorial Gardens, Flatwoods. Visitation from 6 to 8 p.m. Friday, Steen Funeral Home Central Avenue Chapel, Ashland. Contributions may be made to Calvary Episcopal Church.

-Obituary from The Herald-Dispatch

Wednesday, December 03, 2008

Fellow Masshole & My Friend, Fitzy

Fitzy's Wicked Pissah Webcast: Thanksgiving Week Patriots/Steelers Preview. For more, follow Fitzy at Or go f yourself. 

Less is Less: Holiday Party Season in the New Economy

Ok, I've called you all in here because you've been asking and asking, and I finally have good news: I found out the date of our office holiday party this morning, so everyone listen up, it's been moved from December 16 to never. So again, the holiday party that was tentatively scheduled for Tuesday, December 16--but possibly pushed to the 16th of January--has now been moved to never. It will be rescheduled, probably not. Ok? Alright, then. Thanks for your time. That's a very nice sweater by the way, Jean. Ok, everyone? Ok. Back to work. 

Doodle's Moved into Down Comforter Season Comfortably

Doodle, NYC

Could Your Mom Make a Better Stuffing? Survey Says Yes

Absolutely Not 9 (39%)

Totally 14 (60%)

Sounds like I need to provide you with my Mom's recipe; Thanksgiving with crappy stuffing is a crime.

Beautifully Broken

Gov't Mule, Beautifully Broken, Live at the Twist and Shout

Mysterious - blown in with the night
All this beauty captured in a frame
Visibly shaken but never stirred - drives them insane
I see the way she plays her men - and I know I've got to know her name

She's so beautifully broken - shaped by the wind
Dangerously twisted - Here I go again

I see the way she casts her spell - It's like drowning in moonlight
Discards them when she's done - they're lost in her twilight
I watch her move from star to star and I wonder why,
why it feels so right

She's so beautifully broken - you can hardly see the flaw
Especially from a distance - which is always how I fall

Why do I fall for the dangerous ones - the ones that never learned to let go
And why do I lie to myself and pretend that I can break her
When she's already been so beautifully broken

Why do I fall for the dangerous ones - the ones that
Don't know how to let go
And why do I lie to myself and pretend that I can break her
When she's already been so beautifully broken

She's so beautifully broken - shaped by the wind
Dangerously twisted - Here I go again
Here I go again

"Sloppy Seconds" Still Found in Grown Men's Vocab Rotation

Sean Avery: Hockey Player. Gentleman.

Tuesday, December 02, 2008

Entertaining at Home But You're a Crappy Cook? I Understand

My advice? 

You order out the appe-teasers and the entree ahead of time, transfer them into your own oven-safe dishes, and have them warming in a 200 degree oven as guests arrive. 

What else is warming in that 200 degree oven? 

Oh, I dunno, just dessert-- which you actually "made" yourself that folks will rave about, and it's so easy it's embarrassing for you, me, and them (provided you tell them your secret, and I don't recommend you do). Trust me. I made it for Tuna and his snootsypie, richie pants gay friends on Thanksgiving, and they were beserker for it, so you know it's gotta be good. Or at least taste expensive. They don't appreciate cheap shit, really. 

Too Easy Fruit Cobbler that Will Impress Most of Your Judgemental Gay Male Friends


  • 2 cans (21 oz. each) apple pie filling
  • 1 pkg. (16.5 oz.) NESTLÉ® TOLL HOUSE® Refrigerated Oatmeal Raisin Cookie Bar Dough
  • ANNE'S ADDITIONS that make it seem home made and totally awesome: 
  • 2-3 tbsp lemon juice
  • 1 teaspoon cinnamon
  • 1 can cherries (sour preferred but dark/sweet ok)
  • 1 cup raisins
  • 1.5 cup Craisins (dried cranberries) with Orange Flavor  
  • Vanilla DREYER’S® or EDY’S® SLOW CHURNED™ Light Ice Cream or whipped topping (optional)

PREHEAT oven to 375º F. Grease 13 x 9-inch baking dish or pan. 

SPOON pie filling (mixed w/ lemon juice, cherries, cinnamon, raisins, Craisins) into dish. Crumble cookie dough over filling. 

BAKE for 20 to 25 minutes or until topping is golden brown and edge is bubbly. Serve warm with ice cream or whipped topping, if desired. 

TIP (not Anne's): 2 cans (20 ounces each) light or no-sugar added apple pie filling can be substituted for the regular apple pie filling. If you're a jerk, I guess. Unless you're eating this dessert everyday (and you have no business eating this dessert everyday, because you can't see the tips of your own feet) and if you are for some reason, eating this dessert everyday, I suggest either consuming it full-sugar (as directed) on bank holidays, or not eating it at all, you stupid idiot. What, you wanna die? Go out as a happy fat shit? Ehh, maybe you have a point. 

You're welcome, superstar. You're welcome. I await details on your rave reviews.

I'm waiting. 

Young Frankenstein on Broadway: Discounted Tickets on Sale

In town for the holidays and looking for a relatively inexpensive way to see a Broadway show? As you may or may not have heard, Mel Brooks's delightful Young Frankenstein posted a closing notice of January 4. If you use code AMCM1 at, by phone or at the box office you can get $70 tickets (weekday) and $75 (weekend tickets) through January 4. That's a fifty bean savings, kids. (Regular ticket prices are $120) Some Black out dates may apply.

Monday, December 01, 2008

This Makes Me Very Sad

And I'm heaving and sobbing with hot, messy tears. 

Because it is horrible. It's like, the worst disaster in the world. God, am I sad! Oh, God. Hold me. I'm sad. 

Very sad. 


Bush Apologizes for His Intelligence Error

Oh, and the recession? He's sorry it's happening.  So, um...take care. Bye. 


My Manhattan Thanksgiving Looked a Lil' Bit Like This

C'est chic, freaks. C'est chic.

"Another of the many swimming pools photographed by Frank Scherschel circa 1960. Throw in a tiki or two and we have all the makings of a Josh Agle painting. Anscochrome transparency, Life Magazine photo archive." View full size.

A Big Baseball Conundrum: a Test from a Real Live 9 Year Old Girl From Brooklyn

And she is fantastic!

Good look on the test. 

If you were in Yankee Stadium and Derek Jeter hits his last hit of his life, and you have to go poop really bad, you:

A) Let it out while the camera is pointed at your butt

B) Run to the bathroom while the ball comes flying at your seat and if you were there you would have caught it

C) Poop and make a really loud fart that Derek Jeter looks at you since you are sitting right in front of home plate

Mortified on December 15 @ Comix

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Saturday, November 29, 2008

It's the Saturday After Thanksgiving: Collective Sigh

Give thanks you weren't trampled to death trying to buy that piece of shit thing you think you need.

Friday, November 28, 2008

Who, Sheena? She Is. She Is, Alright.

The Ramones. Sheena is a Punk Rocker, 1977

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Sarah Palin's Favorite Thanksgiving Recipe

As improvised by the delightful Ms. Sara Benincasa. Sara will spend Thanksgiving in New Jersey.

One of the Most Delightful Evenings I Can Remember in a Long Time

After a Phil-omenal Phil Lesh n' Friends show a few Fridays ago and hours of raising hell about town, the night was capped with an early morning trip to Planet Rose Karaoke. We were too far too banged up to sing anything, but plenty pleased to potato ourselves deep in the sofa with a few brews and enjoy the others. I was mesmerized by an adorable sporty hipster girl whose performance of this song was so fierce I considered going lez for a minute to make out with her. To show my appreciation. Inappropriate?

Danzig, Mother, 1988.

Happy Thanksgiving Eve!

We had "early release" day at work today which was terrific because I was able to come home and take a disco nap before I go out to do some shopping for Thanksgiving. I'm going to Tuna the Fish's house in Chelsea this year, my very first NYC-based Thanksgiving! I'll arrive at five with my Signature Fall Cocktail and some sort of autumnal fruit cobbler that I can whip up without requiring me to go in the kitchen, open the refrigerator or use the oven. Methinks I'll have to open my wallet and do a box to dish transfer. After Tuna mentioned that the house dessert had been prepared a week in advance--a persimmon semi freddo. What? (Google it, bitches. I had to) Then he added, "Can you bake a pie?"


"Anne. Can you really bake a pie? You need to tell me."

"Yes. I can! I've done it. It's happened." (thinking, I'm so not making a crust)

"A good pie?"

"Yes, you jerk!" (thinking, maybe i'll have to buy this bitch from an adequate gourmet store) 

Alright, but you need to know that what you bring through this door must arrive in a glass dish."

When I got up from my nap, I noticed that Doodle had evidently unloaded all of her Friskies Chicken Meaty Bits supper directly next her dish. If I feed her too many chunks at once and she gets excited about dinner, she'll do this. I imagine it went something like this: 

Sniff bowl, head in bowl, CHOMP CHOMP CHOMP CHOMP head up, look around, head down CHOMP CHOMP head up, look around, smack lips, head back in bowl CHOMP CHOMP CHOMP CHOMP. head out of bowl, swallow, lip smack, swallow, hard swallow, belly lurch, lip smack, belly lurch, head in bowl, CHOMP CHOMP CHOMP, head out of bowl, belly lurch, swallow, belly lurch... pause...BLARRRRRRRPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!
lip smack. lip smack. sniff pile of puke, lip smack, saunter away. give Anne dirty look. clean face. dirty look. return to scene of crime ten minutes later and meow for supper to be served. 

Cleanup revealed that the meaty bits Blarp took the finish off the hardwoods in a blob that resembles Brazil. I wonder what this toxic mixture might do for my bikini line. 

After this cup of tea, I'm off to the supermarket and the liquor store. Let me know if I can pick you up anything. 

I do hope you're all where you want to be for the holiday, kids, and if not, I hope your hearts are. 

As We Prepare to Give Thanks: A Thought on Sharing Bounty

I remember back in elementary school when we'd have a reason to celebrate, whether it be a holiday or someone's birthday and candy/cookies/refreshments were brought in by kids (via their parents), the teachers would say repeatedly, "Remember, children: Bring enough for the whole class or don't bring it."

I'd always think to myself, "Share? With the whole class? With jerks and slobs other than my friends? What? Fuck that. Why would anyone bring anything at all? I'm not bringing shit."

When my baby sister was born, the absurd, cockamamie concept of sharing got a little easier to understand. 

Sort of. 

Good ol' St. Anne. 

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Thanksgiving: Got Food?

"1964. The Super Giant supermarket in Rockville, Maryland."
Color transparency by John Dominis, Life magazine photo archive. View full size.

Thanksgiving: Got Plans?

City's clearin' out. Subway's gettin' roomier. Yay. Yay for me.

Who Needs Pants When You're Sans Pantaloons?

A delightful, hysterical, and unbelievably accurate (save for the shoes and the pants, a classy upgrade from the way I normally snowboard: barefoot, in underwear) gift from sans pantaloons, a huge athletic supporter of mine. Click on the image to see how silly Doodle is. She is SO silly. 
Thank you, sans! 

Buffalo: The Bills Are Our Team and Bison is Our Dip

Cousin Joe
Cuba Lake, NY
August, 2007

Monday, November 24, 2008

Tonight: Family Guy Sings, Live at Carnegie Hall

And I'm going. Family Guy Live? Interesting concept, no? Can't say I'm a Family Guy groupie (or even a huge fan other than the Star Wars Episode Couch scene which may be one of the funniest things I've seen in my entire life), but I don't turn down free tickets to anything (thank you, Jennifer). Well, I'd probably decline a free ticket to a bull fight. Or a rodeo. Or a good old fashioned stoning. But other than that, I'm down for whatever you want to invite me to.


All I Need is Cha Cha Love and This Remote Control and This Paddle Game

I went to see the Moonlighters at Cha Cha's Crabby Hour at her House of Ill Repute on Saturday night, and let me tell you something: Not only were the Moonlighters amazing, but I'm hot. Why? Because one of Cha Cha's hot, hot, hot, hats on sale (for an incredible $20) happened to be in a random midget pinhead size, and therefore, it fit me! And sure, I'm gorgeous, totally? But I'm nothing without Cha Cha. Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Photos to prove it en route.


TWO CAN ANNE'S 21 Day Triathlon: Update

Unfortunately, my 21 day in-home fitness experiment was derailed by the influenza virus on Tuesday, November 17, just 8 days short of the finish line which is today. Despite the setback, it was a success on all counts. With no scale and a full length mirror, I can say with confidence that I'm way less fat and way more fit after 14 days straight of regular exercise (drunk or sober) for 30 minutes or more. I really started seeing a difference a week in, and not a second before. When I fell ill, I was unable to do anything but suffer and sleep, and this caused me to lose about five pounds I'm guessing--which was never my goal. I wanted to get fit, not lose any weight. Some of that may be the muscle I was developing, sadly, but if you really need to lose those pesky five, I recommend 8 days of sleeping and suffering. The Mario Lanza Diet, if you will.

When I'm feeling better in a few days, I'll continue the Two Can Anne Triathlon to make up the 8 days I missed and start anew with my new habit. Why? Because in 14 days, I found out that not being a huge sluggish load is more fun than being a huge sluggish load.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

When You're in Love with a Beautiful Woman, It's Hard

Double fisting double maracas AND multiple mustaches AND an eye patch? Please. Awesome.

Dr. Hook, When You're in Love with a Beautiful Woman, 1978

Got Plans For New Years, Jerk?

Get your shit together. And if I could ever in a million years get my shit together enough to have hair and moves like the broad in the white, then I have lived, and I can die. Kill me; I done my dance, yo! Basta!

UNK, Walk it Out, to Fosse. Dig it. 

Who Needs a Camera, Ma: It's the Same Shit Different Year

Doodle, NYC
November, 2007

Say, Doctor, Ain't There Nothin' I Can Take?

Muppets*. 'Nuff said.

*Incidentally, Jim Henson died of a virusy flu-like thing. Not that this has anything to do with that, but you should know that I just recovered from the flu. So, you know. Just something to think about. You know, the people dear to you. Ahem.


Saturday, November 22, 2008

Annie's Big Adventure

I feel well enough to leave the house this morning--the first chance in 4 days--and I'm taking my time. First stop will be Dunkin' Donuts, for an egg white veggie flatbread sandwich--have you had one? They're awesome-- and the first semi solid foodstuff ingested in so many days as well, if I have an appetite. Fingers crossed, folks--I really want one of those things. Second stop, Walgreens! Sit down everyone, I know you're excited, but please, sit down. Now, because I've lost those pesky five pounds (it was ugly, I don't recommend it), and I still can't afford beauty maintenance, I look very much like Anne in the New Economy. Drink it in, folks. Drink it in. Now get the hell out of here. Scary's got a trip to make before she chickens out. Wearing a hat, I might add, so that I don't run into my hairstylist on the street. Butterfly would be aplotz if she saw this crazy Robert Plant I'm rocking today. Does it look like I've been up all night snorting coke off the tits of a groupie? Check. Is it long, frizzy, all over the place, two different colors, and 100% split ends? Sure. But is it clean? Exactly. And does it rock? I know. Thank you.  

Friday, November 21, 2008

Anne's Flu Thought: Toast is Flu Food

And a major part of the flu sufferer's dietary food pyramid. Yeah, toast! For Jenn and Whipcreamy. They like toast too.

Bob and Tom Show, Toast. Chicago, 2002.

Cat on a Hot Tin Roomba: Brilliant

Not sure when I'll tire of this. I'll let you know. That is, if I'm not too tired not being tired of it. Lil' guy loves it so much it sorta makes you want to build him his own little theme park, no? 

Every So Often You Get a Strong Sex Urge? OMG Me Too! How Mortifying!

Come share in the shame 

live in NYC
December 15 @ Comix
8 pm

Produced (with angst) by Anne Altman (ME) 
$15 in advance $20 day of show. Two item minimum. Reserve tickets now; show sells out!

Seriously? Don't Go. You, on the Other Hand? You Can Go

Yaz, Don't Go, from Upstairs at Eric's, 1982

Did I Mention That I Had the Flu This Week?

I did.

Did you know that you can die from the flu?

You did?

Ok, good, because you can.

And not just from the influenza virus itself (which you weren't vaccinated for) relentlessly, physically attacking you from the inside. Did you know that you can also die by tripping on the hem of your bathrobe and smashing your head on the bathroom sink, and you're there for 4.5 days before the super finds you in a pool of blood, Doodle cat having disemboweled you where you lay, and eaten all your internal organs save for your eyeballs which she whips about the tile floor like super balls?

Well, you can.

As you were.

Kick Ass Broad of the Week: Robin Byrd

If you've never resided in New York City, nor crashed on a New Yorker's sofa and caught a little bit of the late night Robin Byrd Show on Public Access Channel 35, then you've never, ever lived. You have honestly never lived. 970-BEEF, my friends, 970-BEEF.

Anne's Flu Thought

If you're watching television at 11:30 a.m. on a Friday morning, there's a good chance you have diabetes.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

To All the Selfish "Martyrs" Out There

Because you didn't feel like burning your vacation days when you were ill--and hacking, sneezing, spewing, flinging, picking, and dripping contagious microbooger particles all over the place--I was forced to burn mine. At home with a raging fever. Yay. Cheers. Love you. Enjoy your ten days in Hawaii. And while you're frolicking in the surf, I'll be here, motionless on the sofa without the strength to open a tea bag or put the kettle on. Smooches.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Because I Can't Sleep: Beep! Beep!

David Bowie, "Fashion" 1980

Are we the goon squad? Are we coming to town? Beep Beep? Toe toe toe toe toe toe tah tah tah tah Fashion...Lo lo lo lo lah lah lah lah lah Fashion...oooooh .... ahhhh...The people from good homes are talking this year! Beep! Beep!

The Opposite of What I'm Hearing as I Suffer Loudly, Brattishly, Home Sick Today

I Googled "noise" to post about the construction project happening on my apartment floor which is disturblingly, relentlessly, preventing me from recuperating from my cold, and I got the Derek Trucks Band's live performance of Joyful Noise. It's sooooo, so so sooooo,  totally the opposite of what I'm listening to right now (band saws, hammers, power drills) that I'm cranking it with all the intensity that a MacBook can do with an new owner who is too broke and/or cheap to buy $100 speakers. And if you're feeling bad (or good), I encourage you, when you have time, to crank it too. 

Viva Joyful Noise. Viva Derek Trucks. And Band. You're welcome. Remember: I do accept gift cards. 

Yeah, So I Have a Fever: It's a Lovely Way to Burn. As Long as It's Not Dysentery. I Hear That's Bad

Watch more Dailymotion videos on AOL Video

Fever. The Indomitable Peggy Lee. Circa late '60's.

Speaking of hot broads, darling, smoldering songstress --and seductress-- DeeAnne Gorman sings an absolutely delicious version of Fever. Check her out live sometime, suckers. It's a lovely way to burn. Trust.