Saturday, November 29, 2008

It's the Saturday After Thanksgiving: Collective Sigh

Give thanks you weren't trampled to death trying to buy that piece of shit thing you think you need.

Friday, November 28, 2008

Who, Sheena? She Is. She Is, Alright.

The Ramones. Sheena is a Punk Rocker, 1977

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Sarah Palin's Favorite Thanksgiving Recipe

As improvised by the delightful Ms. Sara Benincasa. Sara will spend Thanksgiving in New Jersey.

One of the Most Delightful Evenings I Can Remember in a Long Time

After a Phil-omenal Phil Lesh n' Friends show a few Fridays ago and hours of raising hell about town, the night was capped with an early morning trip to Planet Rose Karaoke. We were too far too banged up to sing anything, but plenty pleased to potato ourselves deep in the sofa with a few brews and enjoy the others. I was mesmerized by an adorable sporty hipster girl whose performance of this song was so fierce I considered going lez for a minute to make out with her. To show my appreciation. Inappropriate?

Danzig, Mother, 1988.

Happy Thanksgiving Eve!

We had "early release" day at work today which was terrific because I was able to come home and take a disco nap before I go out to do some shopping for Thanksgiving. I'm going to Tuna the Fish's house in Chelsea this year, my very first NYC-based Thanksgiving! I'll arrive at five with my Signature Fall Cocktail and some sort of autumnal fruit cobbler that I can whip up without requiring me to go in the kitchen, open the refrigerator or use the oven. Methinks I'll have to open my wallet and do a box to dish transfer. After Tuna mentioned that the house dessert had been prepared a week in advance--a persimmon semi freddo. What? (Google it, bitches. I had to) Then he added, "Can you bake a pie?"


"Anne. Can you really bake a pie? You need to tell me."

"Yes. I can! I've done it. It's happened." (thinking, I'm so not making a crust)

"A good pie?"

"Yes, you jerk!" (thinking, maybe i'll have to buy this bitch from an adequate gourmet store) 

Alright, but you need to know that what you bring through this door must arrive in a glass dish."

When I got up from my nap, I noticed that Doodle had evidently unloaded all of her Friskies Chicken Meaty Bits supper directly next her dish. If I feed her too many chunks at once and she gets excited about dinner, she'll do this. I imagine it went something like this: 

Sniff bowl, head in bowl, CHOMP CHOMP CHOMP CHOMP head up, look around, head down CHOMP CHOMP head up, look around, smack lips, head back in bowl CHOMP CHOMP CHOMP CHOMP. head out of bowl, swallow, lip smack, swallow, hard swallow, belly lurch, lip smack, belly lurch, head in bowl, CHOMP CHOMP CHOMP, head out of bowl, belly lurch, swallow, belly lurch... pause...BLARRRRRRRPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!
lip smack. lip smack. sniff pile of puke, lip smack, saunter away. give Anne dirty look. clean face. dirty look. return to scene of crime ten minutes later and meow for supper to be served. 

Cleanup revealed that the meaty bits Blarp took the finish off the hardwoods in a blob that resembles Brazil. I wonder what this toxic mixture might do for my bikini line. 

After this cup of tea, I'm off to the supermarket and the liquor store. Let me know if I can pick you up anything. 

I do hope you're all where you want to be for the holiday, kids, and if not, I hope your hearts are. 

As We Prepare to Give Thanks: A Thought on Sharing Bounty

I remember back in elementary school when we'd have a reason to celebrate, whether it be a holiday or someone's birthday and candy/cookies/refreshments were brought in by kids (via their parents), the teachers would say repeatedly, "Remember, children: Bring enough for the whole class or don't bring it."

I'd always think to myself, "Share? With the whole class? With jerks and slobs other than my friends? What? Fuck that. Why would anyone bring anything at all? I'm not bringing shit."

When my baby sister was born, the absurd, cockamamie concept of sharing got a little easier to understand. 

Sort of. 

Good ol' St. Anne. 

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Thanksgiving: Got Food?

"1964. The Super Giant supermarket in Rockville, Maryland."
Color transparency by John Dominis, Life magazine photo archive. View full size.

Thanksgiving: Got Plans?

City's clearin' out. Subway's gettin' roomier. Yay. Yay for me.

Who Needs Pants When You're Sans Pantaloons?

A delightful, hysterical, and unbelievably accurate (save for the shoes and the pants, a classy upgrade from the way I normally snowboard: barefoot, in underwear) gift from sans pantaloons, a huge athletic supporter of mine. Click on the image to see how silly Doodle is. She is SO silly. 
Thank you, sans! 

Buffalo: The Bills Are Our Team and Bison is Our Dip

Cousin Joe
Cuba Lake, NY
August, 2007

Monday, November 24, 2008

Tonight: Family Guy Sings, Live at Carnegie Hall

And I'm going. Family Guy Live? Interesting concept, no? Can't say I'm a Family Guy groupie (or even a huge fan other than the Star Wars Episode Couch scene which may be one of the funniest things I've seen in my entire life), but I don't turn down free tickets to anything (thank you, Jennifer). Well, I'd probably decline a free ticket to a bull fight. Or a rodeo. Or a good old fashioned stoning. But other than that, I'm down for whatever you want to invite me to.


All I Need is Cha Cha Love and This Remote Control and This Paddle Game

I went to see the Moonlighters at Cha Cha's Crabby Hour at her House of Ill Repute on Saturday night, and let me tell you something: Not only were the Moonlighters amazing, but I'm hot. Why? Because one of Cha Cha's hot, hot, hot, hats on sale (for an incredible $20) happened to be in a random midget pinhead size, and therefore, it fit me! And sure, I'm gorgeous, totally? But I'm nothing without Cha Cha. Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Photos to prove it en route.


TWO CAN ANNE'S 21 Day Triathlon: Update

Unfortunately, my 21 day in-home fitness experiment was derailed by the influenza virus on Tuesday, November 17, just 8 days short of the finish line which is today. Despite the setback, it was a success on all counts. With no scale and a full length mirror, I can say with confidence that I'm way less fat and way more fit after 14 days straight of regular exercise (drunk or sober) for 30 minutes or more. I really started seeing a difference a week in, and not a second before. When I fell ill, I was unable to do anything but suffer and sleep, and this caused me to lose about five pounds I'm guessing--which was never my goal. I wanted to get fit, not lose any weight. Some of that may be the muscle I was developing, sadly, but if you really need to lose those pesky five, I recommend 8 days of sleeping and suffering. The Mario Lanza Diet, if you will.

When I'm feeling better in a few days, I'll continue the Two Can Anne Triathlon to make up the 8 days I missed and start anew with my new habit. Why? Because in 14 days, I found out that not being a huge sluggish load is more fun than being a huge sluggish load.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

When You're in Love with a Beautiful Woman, It's Hard

Double fisting double maracas AND multiple mustaches AND an eye patch? Please. Awesome.

Dr. Hook, When You're in Love with a Beautiful Woman, 1978

Got Plans For New Years, Jerk?

Get your shit together. And if I could ever in a million years get my shit together enough to have hair and moves like the broad in the white, then I have lived, and I can die. Kill me; I done my dance, yo! Basta!

UNK, Walk it Out, to Fosse. Dig it. 

Who Needs a Camera, Ma: It's the Same Shit Different Year

Doodle, NYC
November, 2007

Say, Doctor, Ain't There Nothin' I Can Take?

Muppets*. 'Nuff said.

*Incidentally, Jim Henson died of a virusy flu-like thing. Not that this has anything to do with that, but you should know that I just recovered from the flu. So, you know. Just something to think about. You know, the people dear to you. Ahem.


Saturday, November 22, 2008

Annie's Big Adventure

I feel well enough to leave the house this morning--the first chance in 4 days--and I'm taking my time. First stop will be Dunkin' Donuts, for an egg white veggie flatbread sandwich--have you had one? They're awesome-- and the first semi solid foodstuff ingested in so many days as well, if I have an appetite. Fingers crossed, folks--I really want one of those things. Second stop, Walgreens! Sit down everyone, I know you're excited, but please, sit down. Now, because I've lost those pesky five pounds (it was ugly, I don't recommend it), and I still can't afford beauty maintenance, I look very much like Anne in the New Economy. Drink it in, folks. Drink it in. Now get the hell out of here. Scary's got a trip to make before she chickens out. Wearing a hat, I might add, so that I don't run into my hairstylist on the street. Butterfly would be aplotz if she saw this crazy Robert Plant I'm rocking today. Does it look like I've been up all night snorting coke off the tits of a groupie? Check. Is it long, frizzy, all over the place, two different colors, and 100% split ends? Sure. But is it clean? Exactly. And does it rock? I know. Thank you.  

Friday, November 21, 2008

Anne's Flu Thought: Toast is Flu Food

And a major part of the flu sufferer's dietary food pyramid. Yeah, toast! For Jenn and Whipcreamy. They like toast too.

Bob and Tom Show, Toast. Chicago, 2002.

Cat on a Hot Tin Roomba: Brilliant

Not sure when I'll tire of this. I'll let you know. That is, if I'm not too tired not being tired of it. Lil' guy loves it so much it sorta makes you want to build him his own little theme park, no? 

Every So Often You Get a Strong Sex Urge? OMG Me Too! How Mortifying!

Come share in the shame 

live in NYC
December 15 @ Comix
8 pm

Produced (with angst) by Anne Altman (ME) 
$15 in advance $20 day of show. Two item minimum. Reserve tickets now; show sells out!

Seriously? Don't Go. You, on the Other Hand? You Can Go

Yaz, Don't Go, from Upstairs at Eric's, 1982

Did I Mention That I Had the Flu This Week?

I did.

Did you know that you can die from the flu?

You did?

Ok, good, because you can.

And not just from the influenza virus itself (which you weren't vaccinated for) relentlessly, physically attacking you from the inside. Did you know that you can also die by tripping on the hem of your bathrobe and smashing your head on the bathroom sink, and you're there for 4.5 days before the super finds you in a pool of blood, Doodle cat having disemboweled you where you lay, and eaten all your internal organs save for your eyeballs which she whips about the tile floor like super balls?

Well, you can.

As you were.

Kick Ass Broad of the Week: Robin Byrd

If you've never resided in New York City, nor crashed on a New Yorker's sofa and caught a little bit of the late night Robin Byrd Show on Public Access Channel 35, then you've never, ever lived. You have honestly never lived. 970-BEEF, my friends, 970-BEEF.

Anne's Flu Thought

If you're watching television at 11:30 a.m. on a Friday morning, there's a good chance you have diabetes.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

To All the Selfish "Martyrs" Out There

Because you didn't feel like burning your vacation days when you were ill--and hacking, sneezing, spewing, flinging, picking, and dripping contagious microbooger particles all over the place--I was forced to burn mine. At home with a raging fever. Yay. Cheers. Love you. Enjoy your ten days in Hawaii. And while you're frolicking in the surf, I'll be here, motionless on the sofa without the strength to open a tea bag or put the kettle on. Smooches.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Because I Can't Sleep: Beep! Beep!

David Bowie, "Fashion" 1980

Are we the goon squad? Are we coming to town? Beep Beep? Toe toe toe toe toe toe tah tah tah tah Fashion...Lo lo lo lo lah lah lah lah lah Fashion...oooooh .... ahhhh...The people from good homes are talking this year! Beep! Beep!

The Opposite of What I'm Hearing as I Suffer Loudly, Brattishly, Home Sick Today

I Googled "noise" to post about the construction project happening on my apartment floor which is disturblingly, relentlessly, preventing me from recuperating from my cold, and I got the Derek Trucks Band's live performance of Joyful Noise. It's sooooo, so so sooooo,  totally the opposite of what I'm listening to right now (band saws, hammers, power drills) that I'm cranking it with all the intensity that a MacBook can do with an new owner who is too broke and/or cheap to buy $100 speakers. And if you're feeling bad (or good), I encourage you, when you have time, to crank it too. 

Viva Joyful Noise. Viva Derek Trucks. And Band. You're welcome. Remember: I do accept gift cards. 

Yeah, So I Have a Fever: It's a Lovely Way to Burn. As Long as It's Not Dysentery. I Hear That's Bad

Watch more Dailymotion videos on AOL Video

Fever. The Indomitable Peggy Lee. Circa late '60's.

Speaking of hot broads, darling, smoldering songstress --and seductress-- DeeAnne Gorman sings an absolutely delicious version of Fever. Check her out live sometime, suckers. It's a lovely way to burn. Trust. 

Cats Do What They Want and Stopping Them is Impossible

Doodle, NYC ~ Summer '07. 
Have you any idea how many times this fur bag has clogged up this sink? I can't talk about it. 

Doodle: An infamous female feline tabby who used the toilet but would not rest in the sink until both goldfish were dead. And the top of Anne's Deco bookcase was water damaged with goldfish-bowl sized rings. Who knew I needed a goldfish bowl coaster? Friggin' Doodle. Ridiculous! THIS IS WHY WE CAN'T HAVE NICE THINGS LIKE CLASSIC ANTIQUE FURNITURE OR LIVE THINGS LIKE FISH AND PLANTS, DOODLE. YOU KILL FISH AND YOU KILL PLANTS. Why do you have to kill stuff all the time? The whole of indoor Manhattan can't feed the 7 lb beast that is you. 

Boo, Dow I'b Sick Too

Get Well Soon!

Dear Anne,

If you feel gross, I feel gross. And you feel gross. And you look gross. So, get well soon, Anne.



PS you're gross

Dude, You KNOW Mille Borne is Fun.

Why it's good: Unlike poker, you don't have to really have to know how to count very well to play this game, so I can actually win. Sometimes. Paying attention helps when playing cards too, I've noticed. 

What You'll Look Like if You're Blessed Enough to Get Old Like an Old Root Vegetable

Rotting Pumpkin Time Lapse - The most amazing bloopers are here

Or is a pumpkin a root fruit? No matter; if you live to be old, this will happen to you. Just a little something to look forward to. You're welcome. Seriously, thank me offline. I take gift cards.

Monday, November 17, 2008

Cleveland v Buffalo 29-27: Wide Right?!?!?!?!!?

Wide right then. Wide right NOW

Oh, bloody hell. 

Browns 4 and 6
Bills 5 and 5

Watch Summer Heights High Before I Cancel HBO

Saw the premiere on HBO on-demand the other night while I was snowboarding. Written by and starring Chris Lilley, Summer Heights High is an Aussie show, and it's freakin' hilarious. Trust. Trust! Chris plays one character so well, a vulgar Tongan student Jonah Takalua --who rags on the teachers so badly, bullies other students so relentlessly, disrupts class so horribly--I swear, I went to high school with him.

Bills v Browns Tonight: Primetime!

I did a Google search for Buffalo Bills Tail Gate Kit and this is what I found: a soup to nuts (or wings to beer) Buffalo Bills Bed-in-a-Bag. On a website called, no less. What this says about us Bills fans is that we obviously like to get our Baby Bills fans ready right away for tail gating--whether it takes place in a traditional parking lot or in baby steps in the bedroom. How else are we going to prepare our infants for Polish Cherry Schnapps shots chugged from a bowling ball? Let's go, Buffalo!

Fun Time Economy Free Fall Update: Gift Cards

Got Gift Cards? Use 'em or lose 'em. The follwing stores informed the Security Exchange of closing plans between October 2008 and January 2009:

Circuit City stores... most recent (? how many)

Ann Taylor- 117 stores nationwide are to be shut

Lane Bryant, Fashion Bug and Catherine's to close 150 store nationwide

Eddie Bauer to close stores 27 stores and more after January

Cache will close all stores

Talbots closing down all stores

J. Jill closing all stores

GAP closing 85 stores

Footlocker closing 140 stores more to close after January

Wickes Furniture closing down

Levitz closing down remaining stores

Bombay closing remaining stores

Zales closing down 82 stores and 105 after January.

Whitehall closing all stores

Piercing Pagoda closing all stores

Disney closing 98 stores and will close more after January.

Home Depot closing 15 stores 1 in NJ (New Brunswick)

Macys to close 9 stores after January

Linens and Things closing all stores

Pacific Sunware closing stores

Pep Boys Closing 33 stores

Sprint/ Nextel closing 133 stores

JC Penney closing a number of stores after January

Ethan Allen closing down 12 stores.

Wilson Leather closing down all stores

Sharper Image closing down all stores

K B Toys closing 356 stores

Loews to close down some stores

Dillard's to close some stores

Sunday, November 16, 2008


The Rolling Stones, Waiting on a Friend, 1981

Drunken Shout Out to All You History Majors Out There

"On August 6th 2007, Mark Gagliardi drank a bottle of Scotch...
And then discussed a famous historical event. That night history was made...Drunk History

Witness history as it's never been told before: Drunk."

Derek Waters Presents: Drunk History vol. 1 Featuring Michael Cera
Filmed, Edited & Directed by: Jeremy Konner
Starring Michael Cera, Jake Johnson, Derek Waters, Ashley Johnson
Created by Derek Waters

I majored in History at Hamilton College (founded by Alexander Hamilton) where I earned the prestigious nickname Two Can Anne so obvs this vid is perfect for this blog. Drunk History was shared with me by my new friend (and fellow History major), Dave. Thanks, Dave!

Saturday, November 15, 2008

COPS: It's What Anne's Doing Tonight

The Grateful Dead with Scarlet Begonias

Jerry Garcia, Phil Lesh, Bob Weir.

The Grateful Dead performing "Scarlet Begonias" live in concert. Great footage of the band with soundboard quality recording. Live at the Capitol Theater in Passaic, NJ April 27th, 1977.

Phil Lesh and Friends show last night at the Nokia Theater was fantastic fun. Phil not only is still rockin' it out 32 years later, he looks exactly the same. He's got that Dennis Eckersley '70s staying power. Viva Phil. Viva Dennis.

Phil Lesh's Friend Jackie Greene Says Hello

San Francisco KFOG Radio, Live from the Archives, Jackie Greene performing "Like a Ball and Chain"

Where to Have Your Kid's Birthday Party?

Lucas Held recommends Shut Up Town

Friday, November 14, 2008

Tell Me About It

Texting with Tuna the Fish

Anne 10:08 pm: Is "Delete my number and go f*ck yourself" a clear enough text to send2some1?
Tuna 10:09 pm: Not really.
Anne 10:10 pm: Too provocative?
Tuna 10:12 pm: Who is the lucky recipient?
Anne 10:13 pm: Please.
Tuna 10:15 pm: I think I just turned the corner. Sigh.
Anne 10:16 pm: I've been waiting 4 u 2 catch up.
Tuna 10:17 pm: I'm rethinking letting my skin go natural. Especially since the election.
Anne 10:18 pm: ehh, you just turnd the corner. don't sprint to the end.
Tuna 10:27 pm: I'm thinking things may turn around after I've changed my user name to Hairybtmnyc. what do u think?
Anne 10:30 pm: it's a no brainer.
Tuna 10:34 pm: I'll say.

Phabulous Photo Phor Phriday

Doodle ~ NYC
circa '02

TWO CAN ANNE'S 21 Day Triathlon: Fatty Status Progress Report

Anne on Day 1

Anne on Day 12
Encouraging results, no? 12 days done, 12 to go. We're halfway there, kids. Time to pick up the pace.
Murray Hill's old, enveloped by the new
NYC ~ 9/22/2008

See You at Phil Lesh and Friends Tonight, Kids

Yay! And yes, I do factor in the dancing I do at this show to the triathlon.

Last night, dinner was supposed to be two beers and a banana, but I left the banana at work. Thus, after two Heineken Lights, I completed Day 11 with 30 minutes of snowboard and woke up with the familiar muscle fatigue that's becoming a part of my life.

Doritos Crash the Superbowl Ad Contest

New Flavor Pitch from Front Page Films!

By my darling peeps Oren Brimer, Matt McCarthy, Glennis McMurray, Jay Bois and Pete Holmes.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Live Puppy Feed: Brilliant

OMG. You can't stop watching puppies! Jumping, playing, sleeping and twitching?! It is insane! Or is it?

'The American Kennel Club says Shiba Inus have 'an independent nature and can be reserved toward strangers.' "

That is true. My friend Peter has a Shiba Inu. Peter's the only person I've ever known to say, "My dog is an asshole." But I've met his dog. He is. 

Thank you, newblue. 
I annoy myself.

I posted about beets this morning, and tonight I read that Barack Obama doesn't like beets. If you never thought of me as particularly special, I'm sure my beet clairvoyance has surprised and impressed you. I know; you're welcome.

Two CAN ANNE'S 21 Day Triathlon: Day 10? Blechhhhhh!

It's safe to say that fitness and happy hour(s) make curious companions. Just got home, it's past midnight, and I have 30 minutes of freakin' snowboarding ahead of me. Commitment is a bitch.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

A Salute Our Veterans: A Solid All American Team

The Golden Gate Quartet with "The General Jumped at Dawn" in Hollywood Canteen, 1944

Kids Love "Make Your Own Taco" Night

Adults love "Make Your Own Taco" Bars. 

People love tacos. 

They do. 

TWO CAN ANNE'S 21 Day Triathlon: Day 9 Pending

Tonight I was talked into "one drink" after work. One drink. Please. I don't think I've actually had "one drink" in the past 15? years I've been getting "a drink" with people. Unless I'm on a terrible blind date, which is often, but even in that case, I may have two just to get you over the disappointment and back on my way home. "One drink" is generally like one Skittle. It just doesn't happen.

Everyone knows "getting a drink" usually means three, and always means two. But tonight, my buddy and I both had other places to be and had a hard out from his wife's company happy hour, all cool people we'd normally have the regular "one drink" with: three. 

My excuse was the marathon (formerly known as the triathlon), so naturally it was on my mind, and when we met up with everyone, I ordered a Jameson on the rocks (lower carbs than beer?) and unsolicitedly, obnoxiously discussed my new Fitness Experiment: 

"Yeah, so just 32 minutes or more a day, and I'm, you know, just tracking the changes I see and feel. It's mind over matter, really. My body says no, it's tired, but my mind says, yes, you made a commitment, you jerk. They say it take only 21 days to change a habit, so I'm testing that out."

Jessica, a woman I had just met, concurred with, "That's right. 21 days." 

"Yeah," I joked (but secretly thinking I'm so great a little bit that I'm actually 8 days in to my fitness thing), "I still totally hate it, every time I have to do my fitness thing, but when I'm super fit on Day 21, and I'm all and cute and stuff, I promise you I won't turn into one of those people who's like, super into fitness and braggin' about it. I mean, I'll still hate it. I'll still be me, I'll still be just lil' ol' Annie from the block, it's just that I'll be super cute, and fit. And hopefully just a little more committed to fitness."

Then someone else added, "Jessica just ran the New York Marathon."


"Wow, well. Of course she did! 

*awkward smile * gulp* 

We're just really into fitness, aren't we, Jessica."


I'm struggling--and hard--with 32 minutes of NOT on the SOFA, and this broad ran hundreds and HUNDREDS of miles for years and YEARS to run 26 miles. TWICE. On purpose. SOBER. And not ONE person was chasing her with a knife. 


Check, please?

Holidays Ain't Holidays Without Angst: Mortified on December 15!

Monday, December 15, 2008 at 8:00pm
353 West 14th Street
New York, New York 10014

Ripped from the pages of real life, Mortified is a comic excavation of adolescent artifacts (journals, letters, poems, lyrics, home movies, stories and more) as shared by their original authors before total strangers. Watch it live on the Comix stage on December 15! Produced in New York by Anne Altman, Mortified has been hailed as a "cultural phenomenon" by Newsweek and celebrated by the likes of This American Life, The Today Show, The Onion AV Club, Entertainment Weekly, Esquire, Jane, Daily Candy and more. The project collects childhood creations and uses them to reveal uniquely autobiographical tales. There are a million stories buried in the pages of ordinary people's lives. Their mission is to simply help find them.

Participants include a wide range of people, from professional performers (comics, celebrities, singers) to total amateurs (architects, ad execs, salesmen) all in the noble pursuit of self-degradation.Where can you hear grown men and women confront their past with firsthand tales of their... first kiss, first puff, worst prom, fights with mom, life at bible camp, worst hand job, best mall job, and everything in between? Only at Mortified and only at Comix!

Monday, December 15 @ 8:00 PM

353 West 14th St.

Tickets are $15 in advance and $20 day-of-show plus a two item minimum in showroom. Tickets can be purchased at or by calling 212.524.2500.
Ticket Info: $15/$20

From the Archives: Vintage Doodle

One of the first shots of little monster, a few days after she arrived in 1999 to be my new roommate. Yeah, the floor is dusty. So?

Doodle in 2007. See that fake grey mouse thingie in the baby picture? I have shots of her biting the head off a real live thingie exactly that size under the porch up in Vermont. I believe they're called voles, and she freakin' loves 'em. BINGO?! IDEA! I'm posting that tomorrow. Parental discretion advised.

TWO CAN ANNE'S 21 Day Triathlon*: The Game Has Changed

Last night I snowboarded for one hour. But in the interest of full disclosure, I must reveal the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth about the details of my daily Triathlon routine. Ok, it wasn't my idea; my colleague insisted. He says that I can't claim I'm doing the Triathlon unless I put an asterisk next to it, because the past few days, I've only been concentrating on the snowboard machine part. This puts me in Marathon category. But tonight, I may feel inspired to do 15+ minutes of snowboard AND qi gong AND yoga. It depends. I think the point here is that I'm doing a minimum of 30 minutes each day NOT sitting on the sofa. Isn't it? Whatever works, fatty. That's what I say.

Pot Shots at This Smug Broad are Appreciated

Basta, already.

Monday, November 10, 2008

Latest Erin-ism from Whipcreamy

I was on the phone with my sister tonight, and she mentioned that at the end of a story that something had hit her "like a can of worms."

Two CAN ANNE'S 21 Day Triathlon: Week One Completed

My muscles ache every evening these days (all 7 of them, days, I mean) which reveals simply how unbelievably inactive I've been this year, save for sitting and standing and walking a few blocks here and there while eating fistfuls of gummi worms. 

About to do some Qi Gong now and work the bubbling springs. In the morning, if I get up early enough, I'll do some Qi Gong and knock on the doors of life. 

4 Year Old McDonald's French Fries Look Good as New

Fast food is rude. For limitless reasons. Blicky blicky doo doo.

Will You Be Ready for Swimming?

Oh, to live in the days when mystery dates were "fun" and "surprising!" Notice the "dud" : Is severe mental illness the deal breaker here?

Doodle's Photograph "Chair" Exhibited in London

And is also featured in the Pets as Therapy Charity Cat Calendar:
on sale now here! I bought two. One for me, one for Doodle. Yeah! Check out more cat photography at

People Approve of George W. Bush as President

As much as they approve of a steaming pile of poo.

"The CNN/Research Corp. said that 76 percent of Americans disapprove of Bush's job performance..."

Way to go, Bush, you've done a heck of a job! I mean, I knew you were going to be good at being terrible, but even I underestimated how much you'd suck. You seriously killed it, yo! You were like, super sonically successful at hit-it out-of-the park horrible!

Goodnight, Bush by Origen & Golan.

What's Doin' Right This Very Minute in Cole's Pond, Vermont?

Oh, just this. And this. Depending on when you check it out. Dig it! Viva Vermont!

And I Thought Owls Were Cute Like Kitty Cats

Not those other kinds of pussies. I'ts been awhile since I've visited the Gallery of the Absurd; it's good to be back. 

Happy Birthday, Dink

Dokken, "In My Dreams", 1988

Sunday, November 09, 2008

Get Your Sh*t Together

Katy Perry, "Hot n' Cold"

Dedicated to all the folks out there who can't get their shit together, and my sister, Whipcreamy, for her impeccable impersonation of an air dancer. La mia bella sorella! 

TWO CAN ANNE'S 21 Day Triathlon: Still Fat


However, 7 days into my 30 minutes per day physical exertion experiment--drunk & sober--I am feeling less horrible about my personal blubber makeup. There is a negligible chance that it has decreased, physically or emotionally. Days will tell. 

Paris Hilton's My New BFF Update: Lauren is On Her Period Right Now

Which is why getting the note at the spa about the fake gossip rumor was a really bad time to get a note at a spa about a fake gossip rumor to see if she, Lauren, could be her new BFF to Paris because she does consider herself to be a good friend. It's just the period thing. I can't explain Kiki's problem. I think she's probably just a bitch. But I wouldn't know. I don't watch this show. 

Anne's New Favorite Blog: Painting Each Day

Making art--even if it's crap--is fun. When Tuna and I went up to Vermont a few weeks ago, I made sure that we set aside a few hours for painting. Tuna, a talented but in my opinion, seriously egregiously lapsed artist who doesn't make time for it in his life anymore, knocked out his first-ever beautiful watercolor of a wonderful Autumn still life. We assembled it together on the back steps using most of the things we picked up from that morning's trip to Hazendale Farm. It consisted of a large, tall pumpkin, a ceramic pitcher and a bunch of multi-colored gourds crammed next to it. 

As beautiful as Squash Town was, I was more drawn to the two ancient wooden storage sheds which line our side yard, Doodle's favorite places to hide. I've been studying the way the light and the seasons change around them for years with my camera. Since I lost the camera, I figured it was time to challenge myself and interpret the shapes in another medium. So after lunch, we set up our studio on the October Sun-drenched back porch with the house's assortment of random art supplies and shoddy brushes, a bottle of wine, 1950's Italian love ballads on the Bose, and I too painted a couple water colors--one traditional, the other very abstract-- and another somewhere in between with oil pastels. A triptych, if you will. 

None are them are particularly strong on their own, but they look nice together (especially if you stand on the other side of the room. And squint. And jump up and down with your pants down) and more importantly, it was fun making them. Painting can be frustrating if you're too concerned with your picture being perfect, but the process can be very relaxing if you let go. It's a very special way to spend time with someone.  And instead of a photograph I'd most likely save on a hard drive, never to be printed, I have 3 pictures instantly in my hands, made by my own hands, with which to remember that lovely afternoon with Tuna. Let's hope he thinks that helping me paint my apartment is just as fun. Come on! Tell him I have a case of wine. 

Obvs, I'm in love with this blog, Painting Each Day. Ann Elizabeth Schlegel's little paintings are fabulous, affordable, and daily, like she says. I'm loving this lemon! Nothing sour about a piece of original art for $100. 


Saturday, November 08, 2008

Derek Trucks and Susan Tedeschi Live in San Francisco 6/16/07

These two are married. How fierce is that? Power couple! Makin' beautiful magic together everywhere they go.

Get Out My Life Woman

Lee Dorsey, "Get Out My Life, Woman"

Covered last night --tremendously--by the Derek Trucks Band at the Blender Theater in NYC. Ever'body gots to get funky! DTB's new album is out in January. Would it not make a great belated Christmas gift for me?

Triathlon Day 5 was suspended in its traditional form and replaced with the dance option: I danced for 2 hours at the show and one hour afterwards in my apartment in the wee hours of the morning. That's 3 hours instead of a measly 32 minutes. 

Today is Day 6--not exactly going to be a cake walk as remaining upright is proving to be a struggle. Will advise. 

Friday, November 07, 2008

This is What Queens Looks Like

Labor Day Weekend ~ September 2008
Astoria, NYC

TWO CAN ANNE'S 21 Day Triathlon: Day 5 is a Bitch

Ok. So far so good I guess with the exercise as opposed to sitting still project. Last night I skipped Qi Gong in favor of bedtime, blew off yoga, and instead of 15 minutes of snowboarding, I did a whopping 45 minutes while I caught up on 3 episodes of Little Britain USA (including the finale). The bad news is that 4 days in (Day 5 not completed yet) I'm still out of shape. Blick. Slow and steady wins the race, yo. That's what ye olde tortoise tells me. In the meantime, keep your clothes on.

The good news is that Little Britain is brilliant. And a perfect way to kill time while one must move around as opposed to sitting. Bravo, dudes. Bravo! If you don't have HBO, rent Little Britain (and the new Little Britain USA) from Netflix. Better yet, buy it for someone you love even if that's yourself---it'd make a great addition to your personal Ha-Ha Library, don't you think? You can shop directly from the delightful green widget in my sidebar I've happily provided for you. It's got other quality gift ideas just in time for the holidays. Life is short and boring and terrible at times and this is hysterical. You deserve this. You're welcome.

DTB at NYC's Blender Theater Tonight...Hoooo!

They Say I'm Charming

Thursday, November 06, 2008

So Sick of You

No not you. YOU!

I'm pleased to present you with the musical stylings of my dear and delightful friend Bobby Gorman and his fellow nasty hell raisin' stinkboys in GWAR! Fun fact: Bobby Gorman's sister is none other than NYC hottie songstress and poet DeeAnne Gorman. Hmm. Let me get this straight: DeeAnne warms the soul with heady renditions of Moonlight in Vermont in swanky jazz clubs and her brother Bob shoots green blood --and other fake bodily icky--at the willing mosh pits at Irving Plaza. Out of a machine gun shaped like a mutant dino dick. While wearing only a codpiece. And goggles. Got it. Two artists, slightly different genres. Both awesome.

GWAR with Sick of You

I SAID, I'm a Wannanuther Drinkkkk!

Maria Esther Castillo had fun grabbin' a flight attendant's butt and pulling a blind person's hair on a recent flight from Puerto Rico to Chicago. So much fun that she had to be restrained with duct tape.

TWO CAN ANNE'S 21 Day Triathlon: Day 3 Completed

even AFTER I got home from a 6 hour happy hour. I'M A MACHINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wednesday, November 05, 2008

"Mindgame" Starring Keith Carradine: A Play Which Plays With Your Mind

Surprises surprise me, and there seem to be so few surprises anymore. I generally try not to find out too much about the a show before I see it whether it's television, the movies or a play, because naturally, I like to be surprised. But on Election Night, I was more preoccupied than usual. And Mindgame, set in a British insane asylum in the bucolic countryside, was the perfect diversion.

Lee Godart plays Mark Styler, a writer who has come to the asylum to score a series of 6 one hour interviews with one of the patients, an infamous serial killer named Eastman. They play opens with him snooping around the office of the hospital's director, Dr. Farquar (played by Keith Carradine) while he waits for him to arrive. Farquar is evasive under Styler's questioning, is reluctant to help Styler with his mission, and despite Styler's pleas, tries to throw him out. Something's also strange about the asylum's Nurse Plimpton (played by Kathleen McNenny), and I'm not just referring to her unconventional hospital uniform of hot pink bobbed wig, latex mini dress, fish net stockings, silver platform boots and a lot of cleavage. The set is expertly and cleverly designed with little details that seem to change ever so slightly throughout. Did that painting just change? Why doesn't the telephone work? Why is Farquar drinking out of a saucer? And forgive me, but why is the nurse wearing a rubber dress again? Who's crazy, the doctor the nurse or the writer? Is it me? At intermission, I thought I had this thriller all figured out, so much so that I was choking on my smugness. But during the second act, I was put in my place. The fella I brought whom I had rebuked for being "slow on the uptake" with the plot enjoyed my having to eat crow, alright. In his words: Mindgame is "So deliciously creepy and twisted! Fun for the whole family!!"

Written by Anthony Horowitz and directed by Ken Russell. Mindgame opens on Sunday, November 9 at the Soho Playhouse.

Special thanks to!

TWO CAN ANNE'S 2008 Election Poll Results

28 (93%)

2 (

0 (0%)

Lee Greenwood Has Spoken: Viva Obama

Lee Greenwood, God Bless the USA, 1985

America might have its problems (totes), but you know it's way better than China, dude.  

Tuesday, November 04, 2008

TWO CAN ANNE'S 21 Day Triathlon: On Track for the Win

Day 2 of 2: Completed!

Only 19 more days to go.

TWO CAN ANNE 2008 Election Results Live Coverage

As of 4:20 pm EST, the results from the TWO CAN ANNE Poll are as follows:

McCain 2 (8%)

Obama 21 (91%)

Other 0 (0%)

Genuis by Matt McCarthy

Genuis by Matt McCarthy

TWO CAN ANNE 2008 Election Results Live Coverage

Here's a picture I took via satellite while I was in line voting this morning at Public School 116 in Manhattan.
Click on the image for maximum detail.

11/4/08 -Election Day in Murray Hill, NYC


The first time a woman voted in this country was in 1920. So get off yo ass and vote. HAPPY ELECTION DAY!

Pestilence Endorses John McCain


Starring Matt Sears Forever's Matt Sears! Fantastic! And you look super gross and drippy, Matt. Bravo.

Monday, November 03, 2008

TWO CAN ANNE'S 21 Day Triathlon

Monumental monumental times call for monumental measures. On this fine 2008 Election Eve, I've gathered you all here to make an announcement about the commencement of

Two Can Anne's
It Takes 21 Days to Change a Habit
21-Day, At-Home Triathlon.

I've canceled my gym membership indefinitely: a terrible economy, horrendous laziness, and an ever expanding waistline has brought me here. And for the next 21 days, I will compete against myself in the following:

  • 15 minutes on my snow boarding machine
  • 12 minutes of yoga
  • 7 minutes of Magic (Qi Gong)
  • =32 minutes not sitting still on the sofa

Feel free to compete with me in your own terrible personal fitness and/or diet goal. Or, better yet, I encourage you to bet against me finishing my goal. I'll add a poll or details on my progress (or lack thereof) to make the TCAT more exciting.
Day 1 begins today! Only 21 more days to go! This blows. 

Sunday, November 02, 2008

Let's Play a Game: Do You Recognize This Man?

Unidentified dude on the Staten Island Ferry, view of Manhattan's former WTC 
Late 1970's