Sunday, December 31, 2006
Doodle Wishes You All a Happy New Year!
2006 was the year of the devil. I'll try to be more angelic in 2007. Happy New Year, Everyone!
What are You Doing, New Year's, New Year's Eve?
I'll be totally potted and potted face first in a potted plant at the Waldorf when the clock strikes midnight. A fitting way to wind up the year 2006. That When Harry Met Sally bullshit ending is really bullshit, isn't it?
How about a short list of awkward shit I've said to people in 2006 called
A Short List of Awkward Shit I've Said to People in 2006?
- I commented on a school photo of this friend of mine and said that he had a huge head and thankfully he grew into it. He was like, "What are you talking about?" And I assumed that a melonhead like that must know to some degree how large his head is, but I guess he doesn't, so that was awkward.
- At Katie's Bakery (a local bakery run out of Katie's kitchen) to pick up some Christmas dinner pie orders, I said, "Wow, Katie, your kitchen smells wonderful! If I lived here, I'd weigh 400 lbs." Which I meant as a nice cheerful compliment, but as I said it, Katie's 400 lb husband walked in the room. So, you know, awkward.
- I blamed a fart on my sister at the dinner table in front of guests in Vermont. I totally called her out and she protested and I made her open up all the windows. But it actually wasn't her. It was one of our guests. He totally owned up to it. Yes, hilarious and awkward on all levels. I could have sworn it was one of my sister's rips.
- I had a shouting match with the night manager of this dinky neighborhood drugstore. He was being a huge dick to me about the stupid ghetto photocopier machine in the back. On my way out I said shit like, "I'm one of your best customers! I'm never shopping here again! You can kiss my business goodbye and my ass while you're at it, you fucking prick!" A proud exit like that and I stayed away about a week. I just pull my hat down over my eyes a bit now. I don't think he recognizes me. Do you think he recognizes me?
Happy New Year, kids. Here's to shutting my pie hole a bit in 2007.
The P&G Bar, Upper West Side
Last year it was McHale's in Times Square and now sadly, The P&G Bar's days are numbered as well. If you've never been, it can be described as a comfortable, classic, 1940's old man's pub with a dark wood bar and cozy booths, delightfully situated around the corner from the Beacon Theater that does not smell like old men or worse. I've been going to P&G before and after Beacon shows for years (last night's show, The Mississippi All Stars & Gov't Mule). But P&G is now another victim of ubiquitous citywide gentrification. Someone must have made them an offer they can't refuse. In the next year, it'll become a Starbucks or whatevs. Goddamned coffee. Why are you so inexpensive and delicious? I hope someone rescues the neon so it doesn't end up in a dumpster. I wonder whatever happened to the McHale's neon?
One of my favorite parts about this place is the ladies room. Modest and with old fixtures and a hook and eye for a lock, it's always kept clean and well stocked considering the state of most ladies rooms in bars; I've seen much fouler cans in hip clubs. Mounted above the sink is the real gem: A 1940s hand dryer. It's bigger than a bread box, it's metal painted dark green. It's on switch is one of those old timey light switches that makes a heavy flick sound when you flick it, and on either side of the interior are these lights that flash on when you put your hand between them and a ear drum splitting blast of high powered air scares the piss out of you if you haven't already pissed. The air blows on your mits for as long as you keep them between the lights. Oh, dinosaur hand dryer, I'll miss you.
Apparently they don't have one of these machines in the men's room. This is no surprise. Once I had a boyfriend who didn't wash his hands everytime he took a poop. Now he's super wealthy and is married to some other broad and they just had a baby. Whenever I start feeling sorry for myself, I remember, he doesn't wash his hands everytime he takes a poop. In other words, Some Other Broad's Problem.
Saturday, December 30, 2006
Last December Snowflakes in 2006
Friday, December 29, 2006
One of my most indelible memories from Free To Be You and Me (the album + book) and most likely my demise.
Take it or leave it, baby.
3 Dog Night
A 24K Gold Casket For the Godfather of Soul
Thursday, December 28, 2006
There Was No Room at the Inn, You See
You Go, Girrrrrrrl!
Doodle's Focused on Personal Freedom
Doodle in 2008
You all know by now that Doodle has officially thrown her witch hat in the ring for the 2008 Presidential Race. I got a chance to speak with her as she was on her way down from the top of the microwave to repose herself atop of the sofa and take a bath. Here is a an exclusive sneak peek at her plan to make America better for America:
- Iraq War: Lame. We're spending billions of dollars, supposedly killing the enemy on their soil --and putting our troops in harm's way-- when we could be spending next to nothing and killing billions of the enemy on our own soil? The War on Mice is a war we can win-- and have fun doing it. Bring home the troops now and let's start murdering. For reals.
- Stem Cell Research: Can we clone mice for the sheer purpose of murdering? Okay, then.
- Raising Minimum Wage: Look, if it's gonna get Anne a few more bucks to buy better shit for me to eat, then great. I'm all for it. And how about a bigger apartment or at least a paint job? This place is a dump.
- Trans-fats Ban: Gay.
- Gay Marriage: Whatevs. I've got bigger fish to fry and mice to murder.
- Organized Religion: The Bible's all "An eye for an eye" and I'm more of an "An eye for no eye" broad, so I can't say I buy into the hype.
- Running Mate: Too early to say. I was thinking of Anne, but she's very Black Sheep, you know? She says stupid shit all the time. Ruins stuff for herself with that mouth of hers. Probably not a smart move public relations-wise, you know, to be associated with that ass clown, but it does depend on the bribe.
Vermont: A Beautiful Place to Rust
Her Sweet Sixteen
- The 16 year old-to-be is terrible.
- She usually excels at school or sports but that's not required for parental spoilage.
- She's given the credit card for a no holds barred shopping spree with her friends.
- She is sometimes heinous looking or husky and finding that dress can be tough. A few dresses are purchased for costume changes throughout the night.
- The giving out of the invitations at school is a fun time humiliating exercise for all.
- She makes sure to repeat several times that the party will be the best ever, and it will go down in history as being the best party ever.
- She usually has a professional photo shoot with slutty poses.
- She goes shopping with her Dad for a car, sits in several BMWs, he says "Don't get your hopes up, there's a 50/50 chance..." and she walks out with a pout on her face.
- She learns some dance moves and hires dancers or other themed performers and tries to secure a celebrity for the party.
- Hair and makeup done professionally, usually there is some crying about the hair.
- She makes her entrance and the kids whoop and holler and it's awkward and her name is up in lights somewhere
- More awkward teen crap including dancing and shouting into the camera about what a cool party it is
- Kids without an invitation (including other schools) show up and try to get in the party and Sweet Sixteen and her entourage (including her mother) tell them to go away, they don't know them, and they're not dressed well enough for entrance.
- Dad comes out to make a speech about the car he bought for his daughter, will point to an "old beater" (like a 2002 Volvo) which is parked outside and everyone sighs and frowns, then Dad parts the seas of kids to reveal the real vehicle, the BMW with a huge bow on it.
- The end is disappointing because she doesn't get murdered.
There you go.
Play the Nose Hair Game
An AA Mantra (the other AA)
Sounds Dr. Phil-ish as well. I like it. I'm going to do different stuff, so I'll get different stuff.
Doodle Joins 2008 Presidential Race
I believe I'm a registered Independent. Don't tell Doodle.
Game Night at Anne's With Saddam Hussein
Normally it's Twister, but this time I think I'll have his favorite food catered (fresh gazelle and Cheetos), and we'll play a simple round of hangman.
He Ain't Heavy, He's My Brother
Well, they're halfway there. Elephants are better than human beings. Read about this and other weird Indian stuff here. Link compliments of newbluebaby.
In My Next Life
If I can't do that, then I'd like to come back as Doodle.
One of those two things.
I've been watching too many VHI Two-a-Days. And too much Doodle sleeping on the sofa.
Wednesday, December 27, 2006
It's the Eye of the Doodle
It Gives You That Funny Feeling
In 36 hours?
You know, funny. Funny like you could choke on a Pepperidge Farm Cheddar Goldfish and not be found for a few weeks and when they do you're all bloated and there's flies and shit buzzing around.
Walk This Way
When: Thursday, 12/21/06, 11 a.m.
Which: The 3.6
Who: Mom and Anne
Weather: Clear, Crisp, 20s
What: A Walk
When: 12/23/06, Saturday, 1 p.m.
Which: The 3.6
Who: Me, Aaron, (pictured) Sis, and Mom
Weather: Spitting Rain, 30s
What: First Annual Altman Christmas Day Walk
When: 12/25/06, Monday, 12 p.m.
Which: 'Round the Lake (7+ miles*; We got to 4.6 )
Who: Me, Mom, Sis (pictured)
Weather: Mixed Sun/Clouds, 30s
What: The First Annual Altman Rescue Brigade for the First Annual Altman Christmas Day Walk
When: Christmas Day, 2ish pm
Who: Barney McGoogle
Weather: Mixed Sun/Clouds, 30s with a bout of Crazy coming in from Crazy Town, of all places...
*We've walked and biked these miles in other seasons, just so you know. Stop thinkin' you're so great, Lance Armstrong. This time we happened to be goofing around a little bit at the Summer People Cemetery and we found a good place to make echoes across the lake. Even though our mother left us in the dust at that point, it was important that we shout stupid shit across the lake and have it boomerang back to us. So, so what if a lunatic in a creepy hat drove by and offered us a ride? No big deal. He's related to us. We had to take the ride. Plus, he has a car and stuff. Stop judging.
2007's Gonna Be My Year
It's never my year.
Helpful Hints to Make You Look Smarter (Even if Y'aint)
Remembering Gerald Ford
Gerald Ford Fun Fact: He was the longest living American president.
Amazing movie. Supposedly based on Fellini's childhood experience in Rimini in the 1930's. Beautifully shot, the dialogue is funny, poignant, witty, sad and the flick paints a colorful picture of what it was like to live in Mussolini's Italy.
Say Goodbye to The Godfather and The President
I don't remember much about President Ford, I was more of a Jimmy Carter kid. I was mad about him even if I didn't understand his politics and really only remembered the peanuts and his brother Billy (and that Silly Billy Beer).
I perfected an illustration of Jimmy's face which featured his huge teeth. I used to draw it all the time. I remember drawing one of my "Jimmy Carters" when I went to visit my baby sister for the first time in the hospital. I drew a few peanuts in there for good measure. I also did some illustrations of Connie Chung, my other muse at the time. Then I recall that we remembered to take my sister home but accidentally left the drawings in my mom's hospital room. I was sorta pissed about that.
Green Bean Casserole Anyone?
Campbell's must have had a surplus of Cream of Whatever soup this year, because they were pushing this casserole hard core on the commercials. Topped with fried onion bits. An American tradition for 50 years. Hmm. Really? Make it! I wonder if this is what my grandmother used to call her "Green Bean Tureen." She'd bring it to the church socials. It always suprised her that it didn't move much. Double hmmmm...
Home Whatever Home
Merry Christmas, bitches! Have a good time? Great! Yeah, we're home. Doodle's been in the bag for close to twelve hours, and I came home to a pound of bills and strange Christmas cards from people I haven't heard from in years: yes, it's a typical annoying holiday travel day.
Forms of transportation used today: a car, a plane, a shuttle van, a shuttle bus, my own two clompers for a dozen blocks "Last Day in Vermont" always bites, no matter what. It's so friggin' great up there, we never want to go home no matter the season. Just look at Doodle in this picture: totally, totally bummed. Add this general bummer to the Day After Christmas and you have yourself a serious kerfuffle.
Whether you're sad about saying goodbye to family or totally stoked about that idea (and you have been basically since you arrived) the coming home part of travelling is always lame. You're rushed, you're delayed, there's traffic, people suck--all kinds of shit will contribute to your feeling desperately in need of a vacation immediately after your "vacation."
I need a vacation from Christmas vacation, but it was a great Christmas.
Ten Good Time Charlie Moments From an Altman Vermont Christmas 2006:
- Doodle is awesome, respected her curfew (most likely due to chilly weather and lack of plentiful prey), came home at appropriate hours and used the toilet like a champ
- A wild animal found her Christmas deer antlers in her carrying case, which stored in the garage, and destroyed them. Did everything but ingest them. Doodle is not bummed about this. We were, because she looked so cute in them. We hung them on the tree and Doodle sniffed them for days. We're thinking skunk.
- It snowed (and stuck) the day after Christmas. It fell in huge fluffy flakes after midnight on Christmas Day. Whip and I, like Sally, prefer January snowflakes but we'll take what we can get.
- I was not constipated (unlike Thanksgiving)
- I did not recieve the Time Life Soft Rock CD Collection, but I did get the Electric Company DVD Box Set from Whip and it is amazing. And to think I didn't even ask for it. Lesson? No. I will still ask for shit. Where is my Time Life Soft Rock CD Collection?
- Food, folks, "fun" (booze)
- The Altman 4 sat down for a good old fashioned family quality time board game (although "fun" was involved)
- The You Bet Your Life with Grouch Marx DVD Box Set--a rare something the Altman family can enjoy together. Highly recommended
- We 3 broads embarked on a First Ever and Possibly Annual Christmas Day walk around the lake (7+ miles) and gave my father the instructions to pick us up if we weren't home in 2 hours. We were making good time but fucked around here and there taking pictures and finding echoes near the lake to shout stupid stuff and, well, needless to say, Mom, sis and I weren't home in two hours. Dad eventually drove by us wearing the Red Baron flying/driving a model T with no windshield/motorcycle side car type of leather cap (with the built in goggles) cap he opened that morning from my crazy uncle. He had a really goofy look on his face, drove by us really slowly with his tongue out like a retard and went half a mile before he turned around. It was hilarious, even if he admitted he didn't wear it the whole way
- Willie Nelson and Carlos Santana's "They All Went to Mexico"
- No church was involved in this Christmas Celebration, though Christ was involved to a degree (even if it was in a heated moment, his name shouted from the top of a ladder in a tree trimming situation)
- Last, but not least: The 2007 Doodle Calendar WAS a great gift! It brought smiles to several faces. It's impossible not to grin when you look at this thing. Order yours today here!
Two hurdles down, one to go: Happy Pre Happy New Year, folks! 2007 means: just 3 more years of the googly oogly glitter oversized sunglasses, so make sure to buy yourself a pair! 2010 isn't gonna work as well visibility wise. Unless your eyes are wide spread apart, and I've seen this, so perhaps 2010 is your year!
Saturday, December 23, 2006
Correction to Yesterday's Post
- I did not take any pictures of Doodle's crap (though there is probably a market for that somewhere down the line depending on her level of fame)
- The walks are 3.6 miles a piece, not 2.5. SO, including today's walk, I've been 10+ miles and I can feel it in every muscle and bone. Hilly rough terrain 'round these parts. Ouch-eroni. Fitness is gay.
Today it's overcast and raining. Boo. No white Christmas for us unless there's a Christmas Miracle! Bbbbbbbppppppffffffftttt!
Doodle is out and about hunting some stuff; we let her out after breakfast. I'm going to go look for her in the barn now. Perhaps she's there resting on her fainting couch next to the mouse skeleton buddy she killed two summers ago. Ahhh, buddies. Everyone needs one.
Friday, December 22, 2006
Merry Christmas From Vermont
What we've done so far:
- Dragged the tree from the garage and put it in the stand in the living room
- Took out all the window screens and put them in the basement
- Put a few storm windows in a few doors
- Took two 2.5 mile walks
- Went to bed at 8 p.m. last night (the shortest day of the year)
- Did a little shopping at Willey's Store
- Doodle spent the first night locked in the basement
- Doodle spent a few hours yesterday and today in the barn
- Doodle took a huge crap in the master bathroom toilet this morning
- I've taken several photos
Tonight my sis, her boyfriend and my Dad arrive. Yay! May your holiday travels be speedy and not annoying, everyone.
Wednesday, December 20, 2006
Doodle's a Masshole
Anyhoodle, we're off to Vermont tonight for a week of Yuletide Whatevs. Most of you will be off to your destinations in the next few days as well, and I wish you the merry-erriest! I had some lovely photos to post of Doodle last night but my computer was acting like an a-hole. Like a lot of people in the airport this morning. Hey dude, just because you have an easy to reach carry on, and the plane isn't full, and your time is more valuable than everyone else's, it doesn't mean that you can rush to the front of the plane as soon as it stops, like you're gonna get off first, because you're not. You're a tool. See you in baggage claim.
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
2006's Eeewwww-iest Christmas Card Ever
Let's say that all of this is so.
Does then your holiday card feature a photo of a shirtless you flanked by your two kids in an enormous vanishing-edge pool in the tropics? With your chest bare and your fur wet and matted down? And this is your card? That you send to your clients and vendors and people with whom you work? So that it gets tacked up on their bulletin boards along with the Santa and Christmas Tree and Snowmen and Dreidel and Joy to the World cards? So that everytime I walk by it I want to barf? Because I never cared to know your chest hair pattern? And you're gross?
Ok. Thanks. Bye.
I don't know who is was, perhaps your wife (who is not pictured) did not think this one through. And thankfully she didn't, so that we have an official Eeewwwwiest Christmas Card Ever for 2006.
Mortified on E!
So, if you find yourself at home one of these nights, stoned out of your bean, look out for the following:
Mortified will air on E!:
-Tuesday @ 730pm and 1130pm
-Wednesday @ 830am and 1230pm
*Though obvs a clip of me reading my piece would be way more palatable, let's face it. Unless you're into doo.
Dick in a Green Track Jacket
Who: Anne & Bumpkyn vs Hipster Dick in a Green Track Jacket
What: Bar Fight
Where: Corner Bistro, NYC
When: Last Night
Why: Guy in Green Track Jacket Was an Unbelievable Dick
Ok. So, I'm really a lover not a fighter. But since I hate people, and people make it easy for me to hate them, sometimes they do the wrong thing, and words need to be exhanged. Bumpkyn's husband, Ladies Man, prefers to eat rather than to drink, and he sat in back for a few burgers while we had a few beers at the bar. Some hipster thought we were using Ladies Man's stool as a hat rack and asked if he could sit down. We explained that Ladies Man would be returning at some point but of course hipster could use the stool in the meantime.
In that process, beer (not blood) was spilled. Ladies Man's beer was tipped over, and the hipster apologized. Bumpkyn made a joke that it was precious liquid, a sarcastic but jovial remark about how the beer was non-alchoholic. Which it was.
Enter the Hipster Dick in Green Track Jacket.
Picture him: Slight build, 5'8", ironic tee under green track jacket, stupid hat, cocky attitude, early/mid twenties, no respect for women.
HDIGTJ: (semi audibly to us) Get over it.
Anne: Excuse me?
HDIGTJ: (no eye contact, semi mumbling to his crowd) It's the holidays, get over it.
HDIGTJ: Get over it.
Anne: That's not nice.
HDIGTJ: Whatever. Hey. (to bartender). Lemme have a Sapphire and Tonic.
Bartender: That's 7 dollars.
HDIGTJ: Great price.
Bartender: Make that 8.
Bumpkyn: You don't have to be such a dick.
HDIGTJ: (not audible. )
Anne: Your friend spilled the beer and apologized. Why are you mouthing off?
HDIGTJ: (comes over) Where are you guys from?
Anne: Here. What does that matter?
HDIGTJ: I was born in Brooklyn. Lived in LA for 7 years. Glad to be back.
Anne: So that explains why you're such a dick.
HDIGTJ: (tries to put his arm on Bumpkyn's shoulder, and she shakes him violently off)
Anne: You haven't even apologized.
Anne and Bumpkyn: Yes.
HDIGTJ: For what?
Anne: For being a dick.
HDIGTJ: (to me) Well, I'll apologize to you because you have a pretty face.
Anne: What? Unbelievable.
---now is where a beer should have been poured on this guy's head but we were out of beer--
HDIGTJ: (tries to recover) And to her, for having a strong arm (regarding the punch.)
HDIGTJ: What are your names?
Anne: Anne and Bumpkyn. What's yours?
HDIGTJ: (don't remember what he said). Ok, I'm sorry, ok? (like a dick)
HDIGTJ: (says more dickish things I can't recall)
Anne and Bumpkyn: (fuming, wishing we had a beer to pour on his head, a beer that he should have purchased for us when he apologized)
While HDIGTJ's back was turned to have a dickish conversation with his fellow hipsters, his friend again apologized, "I'm sorry about my friend."
Anne and Bumpkyn: Uh huh. (still fuming)
At this point, not knowing where to channel our anger or how to "win" this fight, Ladies Man approached from the back of the restaurant. I'd say, to save the day, but he didn't know his wife was in the middle of a nasty bar brawl.
Anne and Bumpkyn to Ladies Man: This guy is a huge dick. He's mean! You need to meet him!
Bumpkyn: Yeah! He's being mean to your wife!
We were leaving, putting on our coats, unsatisfied with the brawl's outcome. Though it was dignified, this kid was begging for violence to be waged on his face. If we couldn't have violence, it was imperative that Ladies Man, at least be introduced to HDIGTJ.
I tap HDIGTJ on the shoulder, "I want you to meet someone." HDIGTJ swings around to meet a Ladies Man.
All 300 lbs and 6' 8" of him.
HDIGTJ extends his hand. Upwards. Hi. I'm (whatever his name is). (face reveals pants shitting expression)
Ladies Man: You're ugly.
We leave. Sure, I would have loved it for Ladies Man to have had to pull me off of HDIGTJ as I was pummeling him so that Ladies Man could have delivered the final fatal blow, but the look on HDIGTJ's was worth every penny of dignity we retained.
'Tis good to have a big guy around.
Trump Gives Miss USA, Tara Conner a Second Chance
Tara is giving a riveting interview on MSNBC right now. She can keep her throne but not her coke spoon. Bittersweet, bittersweet.
A Murray Little Christmas at Comix
Murray Hill in all His Glory with the Murray-ettes and dashing Lance Cruce on piano
The Wau Wau Sisters Wow. Wow.
Me, Lance, Murray and Julia Wright
I Love Doodle So Much
And she is so goddamned cute, that sometimes --ok, all the time---I threaten to kill her with hugs and kisses.
So cute that I endure the face full of fur and hives that smothering her with love (properly) entails.
Yes, I am one of the lucky ones whom she "lets" manhandle her, and let me tell you somethin', it ain't easy. You thought these Angelina Jolie lips were natural? You can thank an allergic reaction for this look. It's ok, the swelling will go down before I have to go to work.
Doodle: She ain't easy to love, she really makes you work, but she's worth it, by golly, she's worth it, I tell ya.
And if the picture above doesn't make you smile, you're dead inside. Either that, or you don't understand Doodle, and I can understand that.
Monday, December 18, 2006
I Am Pathetic
And last but not least, the sight of this* made me sad. And I hate these things. Sure, I realize it's not a real snowman. And even if it was a real snowman, I realize just because it has a face, does not mean it can feel pain. Nonetheless, I hurt.
I'm so fucked up.
*Friggin' angry males. Whether it's the mosh pit at GWAR, the Knicks / Nuggets brawl, lighting homeless people on fire, or punching a blow up Christmas decoration, it's always angry dudes. There must be something more positive we can do with all this extra testosterone.
You know you totally licked the Candy Land game board at some point. Be it thirty years ago or last week. Incidentally, the vintage Candy Land game was way more lickable. More realistic looking chocolate waterfalls and gum drop whatevers.
Met my old lover in the grocery store
The snow was falling christmas eve
I stole behind her in the frozen foods
And I touched her on the sleeve
She didnt recognize the face at first
But then her eyes flew open wide
She went to hug me and she spilled her purse
And we laughed until we cried.
We took her groceries to the checkout stand
The food was totalled up and bagged
We stood there lost in our embarrassment
As the conversation dragged.
We went to have ourselves a drink or two
But couldnt find an open bar
We bought a six-pack at the liquor store
And we drank it in her car.
We drank a toast to innocence
We drank a toast to now
And tried to reach beyond the emptiness
But neither one knew how.
She said shed married her an architect
Who kept her warm and safe and dry
She would have liked to say she loved the man
But she didnt like to lie.
I said the years had been a friend to her
And that her eyes were still as blue
But in those eyes I wasnt sure if I saw
Doubt or gratitude.
She said she saw me in the record stores
And that I must be doing well
I said the audience was heavenly
But the traveling was hell.
We drank a toast to innocence
We drank a toast to now
And tried to reach beyond the emptiness
But neither one knew how.
We drank a toast to innocence
We drank a toast to time
Reliving in our eloquence
Another auld lang syne...
The beer was empty and our tongues were tired
And running out of things to say
She gave a kiss to me as I got out
And I watched her drive away.
Just for a moment I was back at school
And felt that old familiar pain
And as I turned to make my way back home
The snow turned into rain --
Stripper Pole via the North Pole?
Doodle Doesn't Like Accessories Either
Doodle, are you reading this? Hey, doesn't a nap sound like a good idea?
A Murray Little Christmas
No Tavern on the Green, Macy's windows or Rockettes for me this year, folks. I'm getting into the holiday spirit with Murray Hill (read more about him here) "the hardest working middle-aged man in show business" complete with delightful t&a at A Murray Little Christmas!
Don't be, because I didn't get you anything this year, so...truce?
The #10 most important thing in their lives.
- Being good looking
- Being rich
Anyone want to guess what 4-9 are? Since I can't find the original poll with the answers, you might as well take a stab at it.
How Much Are Babies Goin' For These Days?
I chatted with a friend of mine at a party this weekend, and it turns out that he and his husband are seriously considering moving to New Jersey to a gay family friendly community and acquiring some kids.
I learned a lot about the baby market, and what I didn’t fully realize is just how free adoption isn’t, folks. If you can’t make a baby yourself, and were curious how much it would be to buy one, here’s an abridged version of the general price points:
Male......................Caucasian, Blue Eyes..................250K
Male......................Caucasian, Brown Eyes..............200K
Female .................Caucasian, Blue Eyes................. 175K
Female .................Caucasian, Brown Eyes............. 125K
Female .................Chinese........................................ 100K
Female..................Chinese with Cleft Palate.............Free
If you like the idea of free Chinese baby girl without the cleft palate, you might want to sit downstream of the Li river with a big net and catch one yourself. And now that they've got that one dog rule, you might find a nice pooch in the net too. Insta-family! Now all you need is love.
Man, I Thought Monday Would Never Come
Saturday, December 16, 2006
Don't Hate Me Because I Don't Send Christmas Cards
Yeah. Hate me because I'm beautiful, but not because I don't send Christmas cards. I can't help the beauty, it has nothing to do with me. But the cards, well, that has everything to do with me.
I used to, when I hadn't lost hope and had stuff about my life to update you on. But there's a certain point in a childless single woman's life when sending a card with her only prized possession, her cat, is considered pathetic. I could send a card featuring a photo of my parents, but that's just weird. Not weirder than sending a card featuring a photo of ugly* children, but... that's another story.
You'll have perfectly happy holidays without hearing from me, so just deal with it. Thanks. Bye.
*If you think that love might be blinding your judgement, get a second opinion. To send a card with a fug kid on it is mean: to the recipient and the kid. If you can't get a second opinion, take a picture of of their backs. You know, a shot of the kids admiring the tree or something.
Friday, December 15, 2006
From Crudite to Crude-a-Yay!
I started off my evening Thursday night uptown here:
Upper East Side Penthouse
And ended up downtown here:
GWAR! GWAR! GWAR! GWAR!
And then later...
GWAR Tour Bus
Me n' Bob on the GWAR Bus aka The H.M.S. Stink Tube
Oh, only in New York. ONLY IN NEW YORK!
Some People Call Her a Spaz Cowboy
S-S-S-S-S-Sex Tips For The Curious
Or in this case, avoid:
"A 12th century Sikh text, the Koke Shastra, warns men against: 'Redheads. Any girl named after a mountain, a tree, a river or a bird...Any girl with inverted nipples, a beard, uneven breasts, flap ears, spindle legs...Girls whose big toes are disproportionately small. Girls who make the ground shake when they walk past.' "
Sounds reasonable to me.
I Know a Guy Named Stoney Baloney
I Am Extremely Susceptible to Informercials
Anyway, something about these Hercules Hooks makes me think that they would change my life for the better.
Those and a portable hot roller set to add bounce and body to my hair.
Hercules Hooks, a portable hot roller set, and the Time Life Soft Rock CD collection.
Then I'll be happy*.
Table for Ewwww, Please
"We're trying to isolate what the cause of the illness might be," said a Heath Department spokesman.
I'm no expert, but 5 dollars says Olive Garden is the cause of the illness. Or, these same suckers went to Taco Bell for lunch.
We Got a Pitcher Not a Belly Itcher
Yay! Please welcome Daisuke Matsuzaka to Red Sox Nation!
Sure, you all know I'm hilarious in that laugh at sort of way. But I do try and surround myself with talented people though--hoping it will rub off--and I'd like to share a little joke that unfortunately I can't take credit for (and neither can the writer because it will end up in the monologue of a famous late night talk show host any day now):
"The Redsox have signed Japanese pitching sensation, Daisuke Matsuzaka, for 100 million dollars. In addition to fast cars and expensive jewelry, he's looking forward to owning A-Rod."
I Said I'm Famous, Not Lame-ous
Here's the tasty excerpt:
"...Next, Anne Altman took the stage, wearing a black and white dress that looked like an Escher drawing. She read from a composition book (also black and white — coincidence?), but her offerings were not diary entries. They were transcriptions of rambling, stream-of-consciousness notes passed back and forth between Altman and a popular girl named Melissa in junior high school — instant messaging 1.0. ."
"I Guess It's a Real Rarity"
Deer with 7 legs, what? ? ?
My Day, Friday
A few things:
- GWAR was great! I'm deaf in my left ear. I nicknamed their tour bus the Stink Tube for obvious reasons.
- I'm tired, but can sleep when I'm dead, apparently.
- My neighbor in the building across the street, whom I was sure was gay--because of his swanky decor, annual designer Christmas tree, and the like--was watching straight porn at 3:30 this morning.
Thursday, December 14, 2006
Did Someone Say Bugs? In Your Bed?
The Real White Trash Had a Baby
See You In the Slave Pit
GWAR tonight at Irving Plaza. I'll be there, and I'll be square. This band cheers me up to no end. With albums titled "Scumdogs of the Universe" and "We Kill Everything" and "America Must Be Destroyed" I mean, come on; they're the feel good band of my generation. And it's that time of year for cheer, ain't it? Isn't Anne Murray opening for them on this tour? I think so.
Christmas Music Can Be Bad For Business
Who knows. Perhaps I would have lingered longer on my lunch hour, maybe stayed to purchase a bag of pretzels or something.
- One good looking attorney in his twenties
- One average looking attorney in her twenties
- A hideous set of male twins nerds in their twenties
- Someone I didnt get a good look at.
I was near the front of the elevator. On the way up, the male attorney was chatting up the female attorney about the big holiday party at their firm tonight. He has a buddy coming into town tonight, just so you guys know. He was wearing a red tie, so clearly he was more psyched about the soiree than he was letting on.
Anyway, the someone I didn't get a good look at got off first, making his way to the front of the elevator between the flirtation and the twin dorks. Then, it was the twin dorks' floor. I, being a lady and all for chrissakes, expected that if the twin dorks --who although hideous, were dressed in suits, so I assume they are professional--would be gentlemen about busting ever so rudely by me to get off the elevator.
Clearly they were not.
So, I stepped on the back of the one twin's shoe so that his foot slipped out of it, and he had to squeak out an "Excuse me."
You're excused, dork. Good luck on your Double Mint Gum interview. Fag.
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
How Many Pounds Did I Lose In Tears?
All I Want For Christmas Is The Time Life Soft Rock Collection
I've got to go.
PS Don't forget: TimeLife Soft Rock Collection DVD Box Set. Thanks.
"Mortified" The Book Pimped in This Week's the Onion
Everyone's a closet voyeur. And if y'aint, then y'strange. In a bad way. Or, you're simply a liar. I say, liar.
Awww, Just Like Doodle
Hilarious! A little Doodle-ishy Kitten Who Also Thinks of Nothing But Murder All Day! Kindred kittens.
Stuff Snapple Bottle Caps Learnt Me Today
Real Fact #124: Seals sleep only one and a half minutes at a time**.
*Male turkeys. Duh. Redundant. All males are turkeys.
**This would render me the crankiest bitch on earth***.
***NO, I am not the crankiest bitch on earth.
Peter Boyle, RIP
71 is too young!
71 is horseshit!
Peter Boyle was the coolest. Of course, I didn't know him personally, but he sure did make me laugh and impress me with his acting. Interesting fun fact: John Lennon was best man at Peter Boyle's 1977 wedding to Loraine Alterman.
Mary Poppins Ain't Heavy; She's My Sister
Boy, was I wrong. It was an over-sized, under-sized over-sized umbrella, and it made my jaunt outside at lunch in midtown one of the most unpleasant experiences with an umbrella I can ever remember. Barring the time when I was 4 and stuck the pointy end of an umbrella straight through my hand, this was the BY FAR my worst umbrella experience.
It was total bullshit. Did it blow back and forth and in and out? No. It didn't have to. That is considerably less annoying than what happened here with this douche golf umbrella. First of all, like I established, it was enormous. I could have fit 5 or 6 of my best friends under there with me. Second of all, it got all caught up in the wind and literally scooped me up off of my feet a few times, and I was holding on to the damn thing with two hands for dear friggin' life.
Anyway, it sucked. I didn't even use it on my return trip. I would have tossed it into the windshield of that rude taxi that cut me off in the intersection (after I wacked his headlight with it of course) but it wasn't mine.
Umbrellas can suck it. For reals.
3) I'm an idiot.
4) Mexican delivery boy with a small cranium like mine now has a new hat and he looks great.5) Dumb blonde with huge cranium like mailbox thinks she has a new hat and she looks stupid.
6) Some of the above.
7) None of the above.
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
Today's Yogi Tea Says
Mr. Telephone Man
So nice to have you install the new telephone yesterday. Why? Well, because you're obviously a fantastic technician. Oh, and because I think you're smokin' hot. Plus, you just seem like a really nice person. Thankfully, there was a problem with my phone and you came back today. It could have easily been the other guy, but it was you. Terrific. Unfortunately, I haven't figured out where to stalk you as of yet, but I did manage to jot down the name on your building pass sticker. I expect a lot of problems with this phone. See you later!
Monday, December 11, 2006
Oh, For Chrissakes
Who In the Human Race Wants a Punch in the Face?
Monday Night Lights
For Vanity's Sake, Please Read
Do not get addicted to the following drugs if you can help it; you'll take a terrible photo and look bad on film.
1) Crystal Meth: Your features will eat themselves and you will become gaunt. Also, there is bad acne to be had. If you can't get out of a photo, slip on a monkey mask; it will quickly and effectively conceal any unsightly blemishes.
2) Morphine, Ambien, or a cocktail of both: It makes one of your eyes small, and you slur and drool a lot. Answer questions with a simle "Yes" or "No" and make sure to open your droopy eye wider when there is a camera present, if possible. Or just shut them both, and pretend you're sleeping (probably your best bet).
Good luck! Nobody can blame you for ruining the family photo now.