Friday, August 31, 2007

Fake Cat or Real Cat Which Needs Feeding and Takes Dumps

This just in from an Anne Fan:

Let's just say that Doodle wouldn't be bummed if I replaced her with Yume Neko Smile Cat so she can go outside and kill stuff.

Sincerely Wishing You a Happy Labor Day Weekend

Thursday, August 30, 2007

Doodle Sez Whatevs

Doodle, August 2007

Weird Graduation Photos





Who makes the director's cut for the best director's chair themed graduation photo?

Apparently Today is Not Friday

But in fact, Thursday.

Please adjust your schedules accordingly.

Look Who is Blowin' it in the Bronx?

pedro's 2004 Zimmer Rolling at fenway park,
quite possibly my favorite sox v. yanks photo/incident of all time

Thankfully, I was too preoccupied with success last night to watch failure: Bosox lost again last night to the nauseating as hell, stupid freakin' Yankees. I didn't need a sweep. What I need is them to be knocked out, crossed out, smoted, if you will, from wildcard eligibility. Anyhow, I plan to "watch" today's game at 1:05 from the safe distance of my computer screen and/or clock radio.

In other news, just ate an entire bag of maple beef jerky.

Simply Mortified!

Brandy Barber, Anne Altman, Mortified Producers NYC

with Dave Nadelberg, Mortified Creator and handsome devil

Mortified, 8/29/07

8/29 Cast: Anne Altman, Nate Sloan, Angel Yau, Rebecca Ciletti, Dave Nadelberg, Nichelle Stephens, Jenn Hyjack, Emlyn Morinelli, Law Tarello

Backstage at Mo's

Nate, Jenn, Angel, Nichelle (l-r)

Emlyn, Law, Nate, Jenn (l-r)

How spectacular was Mortified's show at Mo Pitkin's last night? Well, if the laugh-0-meter inside was accurate, I'd say pretty damn spectacular. I apologize to the peeps who weren't able to get in (there was a long line of long faces outside the club and minor pandemonium at the door which could have escalated into a 1979 Who-style crowd trampling) but...How many times did I tell you kids to buy tickets in advance?

Answer: A wicked lot of times.

Now don't be a jerk and listen to me when I'm yelling at you. Next Mortified: September 29!

Me and Brandy, 8/29/07
Celebrating our success at Doc Holliday's with a few PBRs and a few more biology stickers. As we would.

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

You See Dead People and I See Other Stuff

On the highway recently, I saw a large truck sporting the following on it's side:

A. Duie Pyle?

A doo-ey pile?

A pile of doo?

Is this remotely funny or should I go back to second grade to laugh with my peers?

Weird Wedding Photos Part MCCMMMMVVXLV

The redness... is... blinding...which one... is the sun?

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

All I'm Saying Is, If Becoming Senior Citizen =

Wearing a housecoat and squaking at the 99 Cent Store clerk that the plastic folder shouldn't cost 99 cents but instead 50 cents because even though yes, it is marked 99 cents, I found it in the 50 cent area:

Then I'm totally fine with dying now.

Go ahead. Right between the eyes, please. I don't need the folder that bad.

Jack's 99 Cent Store, 39th Street, NYC

August 28, 2007

The Bosox Lost to the Yankees Tonight

Only to make the series somewhat interesting for New York Yankee fans.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Listening to the post-game wrap-up here in NYC was almost as disgusting as maggots in a steak sandwich, let me tell you.

What Were We Talking About Again?

That's right, we were talking about police detectives in Miami who discovered maggots in the steak sandwich. Guess that's the risk you take ordering a steak sandwich in a bakery, let alone a bakery somewhere other than Philly, right?


Shoulda ordered the veal.

Gay Schmay

Being gay is the least of your problems. What you are, Senator, is an a-hole.

"I'm not gay. I did nothing wrong." I hate how these dudes are so adamant about disassociating themselves with being gay. What's wrong with being gay? Let's say he wasn't gay, and he's soliciting broads for sex in a ladies' room, that would be ok?

And yet Craig's association with Mitt Romney is ok? ROMNEY? You did something wrong, alright, Senator. Talk about gross.

Apparently, Such As, She Could Be Our President

Name That Gathering

Hottie or Hag?

This one always fascinated me. Nerd.

Monday, August 27, 2007

Did Somebody Say Cocktails at 11:30 A.M.?

Say no more!

That's right, folks, tomorrow I'll be at my second BLOHARDS (Benevolent Loyal Order of Honorable and Ancient Red Sox Diehard Sufferers of New York) Luncheon at the Yale Club, and this time I'm not going back to work with my sauce on like last time. Tonight, I'll make sure my camera battery is juiced; I want a photo with my honey Joe Castiglione! I hope he sits at my table...err, that I'm sitting at his, rather...


Seven and a half games ahead of the Yanks! GO SOX.

Anne's In Love With Baltimore & Frank Deford

I knew I loved Baltimore's own! Just another another reason to love the wonderful Frank Deford. Read his terrific article in Smitsonian Magazine on Bmore, one of my favorite cities.

T Minus 3 Until Maximum Mortification

Did you know?

Mortified is a starred Time Out New York pick and will be mentioned in Flavorpill tomorrow, so if you're planning on seeing the show this Wednesday, don't wait; you may lose out to people who read stuff and buy stuff in advance and whatnot.

Wednesday, August 29, 2007
7 pm
Mo Pitkins House of Satisfaction, 3rd Street @ Avenue A

Sunday, August 26, 2007

Georgia Wins US Little League Title vs Japan

With a Big Papi-style walk off home run by Dalton Carriker!


wOOOOOO wOOoooooooOOOo!!!


Last night on my return home from a nice evening out on the town, I stopped into my local Korean deli for a little crap that I thought I needed. Paying for some items at the front was the tallest, blackest, buffest, tricked out and workin' it in a teeny tiny mini, totally awesome male to female trans I'd ever seen in my neighborhood, let alone anywhere.

As I made my way through the refrigerated aisle to the cashier with my Mike's Hard Lemonade (Why? I don't know, just something I thought I needed) I caught the eye of a very unremarkable woman who lives in my building, mid-40's, who had just cut away from disapproving up/down glances at the above-mentioned girl. She said to me with disgust, "Interesting..."

"Indeed!" said I.

This is NYC. It's supposed to be interesting. Why are you living in this town if you don't like interesting? Get thy ass to Schaumburg, Illinois, Ms. Unremarkable.

Face Vase

For Piglet.

Name That Gathering

Do You Like Pirate Crap, Matey?

Then check out Dead Men Tell No where yo, ho, ho: it's a pirate's life for you, ayite.

Time Lapse Popsicle Fun

Time Lapse Tomato Fun:

Don't Stop


Was Mork Banging Mindy?

If not, somebody please refresh my memory as to why she let the relentlessly annoying--and hairy-- bastard live with her?

Lavender Sachet: The Official Fabric Softener of the Altman Family

Hard to find in stores, but if you do find it, buy it. You'll be glad you did. Mmmmm, freshness.

HBO's Big Love: Season 2 Finale Tonight

9 pm on HBO

Tell Me Something Good

Chaka Khan and Rufus: Live in Central Park, 1974.

Sweet, sweet, sweet funk. Can you dig it? You know that you can.

Oh, Chaka. CHAKA!

Hand Made in the USA

Indeed, the prices for clothing at places like H&M, Old Navy, and Forever 21 are hard to beat, especially with the economy the way it is now, and I am guilty of patronizing these stores. China is grossing me out the door more than ever these days with it's accelerated industrial revolution at the expense it's own people and the environment (did anyone see the cover of the Sunday NY Times today?). If I see that something is made in China, I try not to buy it. I skipped over the Made-in-China bandannas I saw up in Vermont for the ones made in the USA. Oddly enough, the one with the American Flag design on it was not made here but there. Blick.
So let us buy less mass-produced caca undoubtedly pieced together overseas by poor slobs slaving away at sketchy factories and instead support our own local artisans. Take Carter Whitlock, for example. Her one-of-a-kind designs at Carter Safari are adorable!

Shown here: Patriotic Skirt by Carter Safari

The Heavens Opened Up and the Angels Began to Sing

I don't even care if another Duane Reade or a freakin' bank goes in the spot, that place had to go.

Morgie Being Orgie

Morgie being Orgie in VT~ August 2007

Tuffy Altman

I just adopted an elephant. His name is Tuffy.


Tuffy: African male, born 1984Tuffy has lived most of his life in a circus. He was maturing and becoming a bit of a handful so his owners wisely chose to give him an early retirement where he can be part of a herd of African elephants. Tuffy has no tusks and likes to "blow raspberries" with his mouth to get people's attention.

An elephant after my own heart!

Adopt your own elephant today for just $100 a year, $50 for six months or $35 for 3 months.

Not for the Faint of Heart

But important nonetheless.

Saturday, August 25, 2007

It Was Monstrously Painful

Sure it was. But it sounds like a perfectly reasonable punishment for riding the sofa bare-assed watching t.v. and drinking vodka all day.

The Happiest Girl in the Whole USA

I caught up with the two episodes of HBO's Big Love I missed while I was on vacation last night. Donna Fargo may have written the song "I'm the Happiest Girl in the Whole USA" and made it famous, but Rhonda Volmer (played by Daveigh Chase) owns it now, man. Brava, Daveigh!

Friday, August 24, 2007

What Hell on Earth Looks Like

Hot Chick Wipes Out On Boat - Watch more free videos

Breathe in too deeply and you'll get STDs in your nose.

Orange You Glad

Someone told me this morning that eating an orange is supposed to cure a hangover.

I am too hungover to test this out for you all, unfortunately.

Name That Gathering

Thursday, August 23, 2007

Incontinent Men in Search of Confidence?

Men's Confidence Briefs

Traditional men's briefs with a special moisture-proof panel are perfect for those with minor incontinence. The Dupont Coolmax™ lining in this underwear keeps skin comfy and dry and protects clothing from wet spots. Made in the USA. Machine washable poly/cotton.
Moisture-Proof Panel Protects from Stains & Odor

Available in waist sizes: SM(28"-32"), MED(34"-38"), LG(40"-44"), XLG(46"-48") or XXL(50"-52

Pissy pants aside, I'm not sure if a guy with a dink this big suffers from a lack of confidence.

Green River, Wyoming

Green River High School, Green River, Wyoming, with Castlerock in background
circa 1950


I don't believe in them. I only believe when they're true.

Febuary 20 to March 20

Traditional Pisces Traits:

Imaginative and sensitive
Compassionate and kind
Selfless and unworldly
Intuitive and sympathetic

On the dark side....

Escapist and idealistic
Secretive and vague
Weak-willed and easily led

Oh, Phil.

You're the only one who really knew me at all.

Tuesday, August 21, 2007


Bring back the draft and let's see how easy we rush into war. Gross.

China's Latest PR Blurb Is...

The Italian Blast: W-8

W-8: The Italian Blast on Maiden Heaven, on Maiden Lane, NYC, 8/21/07

Let's say you're of Italian descent--or not--and you plan on giving your wife the "Italian Blast" when you get home from work. Well, you'd better warn her; there's a lot of lettuce on this bad boy, and that's a lot of fiber. Could make for a completely unnecessary noisy blast, if you know what I mean.
*Italian Blast pictured without cheese, like my boss likes it.


If You Don't Think Doodle is the Devil You May Be Right

She just has superpower eyes is all. Sure, Doodle's all wimpy-ass Beta when it comes to other cats, but when it comes to dogs, she's Alpha All the Way. Dogs are terrified of her. Specifically beagles and corgies*. These are pictures of Doodle and Morgie's first and second introduction in and around the barn. Needless to say, it didn't go well. For Morgie, that is. Poor thing just wanted to play. And Doodle told him to go fuck himself. Click on the photos for extra Morgie Mortification.

Doodle and Morgie, Vermont ~ August, 2007

*Vick-trained pitbulls would eat her whatevs, no probs, most def.

Yet Another Proud Moment for Two Can Anne

A recent report revealed that the following Googlers landed on Two Can Anne:

3 33.33% sheree zampino on ex-wives club
2 22.22% 2007 pregnancy photos
1 11.11% erect nipples
1 11.11% can i get a margarita in camden yards?
1 11.11% two can anne
1 11.11% ring around the collar

Can I ever stop blushing? Can a person get a goddamned maragarita in Camden Yards for chrissakes??? Mom? Dad? Have you keeled over from pride yet? Is the will intact? Mom? Dad? Hello? Geez. Hope so.

Funtime Dinosaur Assblow

Jurassic Park Fart

They Poop Strawberries, Don't They?

Two Can Anne on the Can, August, 2007 ~ NYC
Of course we do. We also fart rainbows and pee lemonade.
We're such fuckin' ladies, afterall.

Vermont-a-Go-Go 2007 Woofie Awards




Dogs in Northeastern Vermont, August 2007

Vote now!

And don't worry, nothing cruel or unusual will happen to the dogs who don't win. All woofies are winners at Two Can Anne.

* Please note: #C is techincally a North Shore of Boston Dog (note the sea in the background), but I took the photo while on on the last leg of my Vermont Vacation, so whomever has a problem with this technicality can just suck it.