Escape From New York

Doodle 10/28/06

Well, not really. But sort of. Escape from my apartment for the weekend, anyway. My mother came to town to visit my aunt and we stayed in an amazing Affinia hotel suite around the corner from my place which is not only people friendly but pet friendly too. Guess who had a little vacation too? Miss Doodle, of course, and she loved it. You should have seen the concierge's face when he learned that we only needed a food bowl, not a litter pan. (proud smile) See her above, lounging in the glass-topped wardrobe? The striated wood veneer matches the her coat quite nicely. She didn't have to see the inside of the gross hospital, but she missed out on some fine dining uptown. Namely Iztoteca (Mexican with French accents) and the Spanish-influenced Don Pedro's.

Of course, coming and going from my place, I indirectly ran into a few neighbors. Not the Shamed Family of 9C, whom I was really concerned about running into. And "indirectly" meaning: I saw them and either they didn't see me so I blew them off, or we both saw each other and I ignored/pretended not to see them. It occured to me that there are several neighbors I have to avoid. Here is the list:

9C: Bed Buggers

8AB: The Family of Heavy-Footed Ignorant A-Hole Yetis With Hyperactive Children

10C: The Guy Who was/in The Landmark Forum, A Cult. Yes, I befriended 10C, a nice gay man with a dog whom rooked me into a "reception" at his apartment which turned out to be a cult initiation session. Here I thought the Landmark Forum was something to do with Historic Preservation Society. Boy, was I wrong. It turned out to be an organization dedicated to taking your money in the name of "helping you change your life" by getting you to sign up for workshops with no windows, withholding breaks, water, and food in order to take more of your money. Creepy. I declined. Needless to say, our encounters now are awkward.

4G: The depressed Korean War Vet who is perfectly nice but smells and talks too much.

7G: The gnarled broad with Alzheimer's who never recognized me. She died a few weeks ago, so that problem is solved.

10A: The Jesus Hater. Things with this neighbor are awkward because she was on the Co-op Board for awhile. At the time, my new neighbor, 7A, was unpleased with the tiny word magnets from Word Poetry which graced my and 7C's door (a dear friend whom unfortunately moved out this year) "He's got a very high-powered job at Bergdorf Goodman. Please take them down," she said. What? Fine. We did. But I replaced mine with a 4"x5" Jesus magnet. The Sacred Heart, Jesus, to be exact. You know, the bloody one with His heart beating and bleeding on the outside of his chest? That's the one.

Do I believe in Jesus? No, I don't. But I put it up on principle. (And also because I believed that if 7A had a problem with me, he could have talked to me directly, not the Super and the co-op board. Oh, and because I knew that if 7A hated the Word Poetry, he was really going to hate the Jesus magnet. He did.)

Other people have shit on their doors, whether it be a crappy painting their kids' drew, an American Flag, or some tacky wreath of flowers with a duck. You can't legislate what is art, or what is religiously appropriate, especially since many folks have mezzuzahs on their door jams. Very dangerous territory. Shit hit the fan. Take it down. I would not. "You want me to go to the Daily News with this?" I asked. Then someone stole my Jesus magnet. I wrote a song marking the occasion:

Someone stole my Jesus

And I'm gonna find out who

Someone stole my Jesus

Who was it?

Was it You?

So I replaced Jesus I with Jesus II. 10A called me again, "We've decided that if anyone on anyone's floor objects to the thing placed on their door, then that person must take it down. I asked 7A if he enjoyed the Jesus, and the answer was no, he does not enjoy the Jesus." I replied, "You asked the one person on my floor who has a problem with me if he liked it? What did you think he would say? Did you ask Mrs. Colon, who celebrates all Twelve Days of Christmas and keeps her wreath up until the Epiphany? No, you did not. Anyway, long story short, Jesus Lives.

On my door, anyway.

Needless to say, I'm avoiding quite a crowd. You'd think I love conflict, considering the shitstorms I've thrown myself into over the years. Sure, fighting for my rights, fighting on principle for principle's sake renders one exhausted and a pain in the ass. But I won't back down, because I hate stupid people. And I'd give anyone who is interested my Jesus III, but I need Him just in case. In the meantime, I need to get a wig to go with that fake nose and glasses combo. Or a thicker skin.