Nobody Nose the Trouble I've Seen

Doodle, 10/25/06

Remember when I told you that things were crappy but were about to get worse? Well, they got worse. Here is the short story.

Last week, a friend of mine sent me this New York Times article on bed bugs and what an epidemic in NYC this is beginning to be. The outlaw of DDT and the increase in cheap overseas travel has made this bug of lore quite comfortable shacking up here apparently, and since they're the size of a tick, live in the tiniest of cracks and can travel through plumbing and walls, all it takes is a neighbor to have them and you could be their next host. Unlike roaches they don't like dirty apartments and they don't spread disease. They don't care for income bracket, which is why a stay in a 5-star hotel could make you sorry unless you check behind the bed and headboard for signs that they may be staying in your room too.

Well, I happened to wake up the day of the article with bites on my shoulders. Thinking and praying they were mosquito bites --but fearing the worst having not seen or heard a mosquito in some time-- I pulled away the bed and and sofa from the walls to find tiny brownish specks on the walls. These apparently are signs that a bug has sucked your blood. I panicked. I was sure I had bed bugs. According to the articles I researched, it is one's obligation to tell your landlord / co-op board your suspicions.

First, I tell the super. He tells me that 9C had bed bugs last year, and spent 15K to eradicate them. He told the super to keep it quiet, and he had to foot the bill for this personally, as we live in a coop apartment building, not a rental. I heard this and double freaked. I spent 3 or 4 days awake doing research on websites and the twenty or so blogs dedicated to the subject (and because I was too afraid to go to bed) on how just because you think your apartment is rid of the critters, they can travel to other apartments, and then come back because other apartments weren't treated. In some cases, the building can be held responsible. I'm eating Campbell's soup for breakfast lunch and dinner--15K is not in my purse. An exterminator took one look at the specks and said, "Yes. Bed bugs." I wasn't going to shill out that kind of money just to have them return.

Next, I sent a detailed letter with informative links to websites and blogs from my research to every shareholder by putting them under their doors telling them that I thought I had bed bugs and that 9C previously had bed bugs and that the bugs can travel even if one unit is treated and that the building should do an extermination/prevention of sorts and that everyone should look out for them.

Then the shit hit the fan. El Shitto Hitto el Fanno.

9C calls me in a panic. "YOU HAVE SHAMED OUR FAMILY!" he shouts. "My wife is in hysterics! We spent thousands and thousands of dollars to get rid of this problem and keep it quiet!" Then, the president of the coop board calls me to say "YOU HAVE SHAMED HIS FAMILY!" Now I'm quite unpopular. But the problem here is that with people "ashamed" to tell others (especially those in the same apartment building) that they may have them, then nobody knows about them until they do, and sometimes then it can be really difficult (a 15K kind of difficult) to treat the problem. I'm thinking, does 9C really feel like spending another 15K?

So, in short: I am a certified, bonified Family Shamer. I will now add this to my list of occupations on my resume. You know what? Fuck him. "My wife has been crying for two days because you 'outed' us!" Well, guess what? Your wife is an idiot. I would have liked to have known that you had this problem you were trying to "sweep under the rug," you stupid Brit. Perhaps it was this guy (who is from the UK and constantly traveling there) brought them back, or maybe there was an infestation inside the walls somewhere that can't be traced to any source, but he's only confirmed my suspicions with his horseshit. He asked me to call him back, so I did. Turns out he asked me to call him back so he could shout obscenities at me and hang up. Class.

This morning, I bought the super and the staff a Dunkin' Donuts 10-cup Keg o' Joe and 24 Munchkins for all the trouble I've caused. On my way out to the hospital this afternoon the super said to me, "You know you're still my friend, don't you?" Which was nice, considering that now I'm a pariah in the building and not because I might have bed bugs but because I told everyone that 9C did. The fact remains however, is that the exterminators have yet to find real proof as in a real bug in my place, and that I think is because they come out at 4 a.m. Now that I've sent out the memo, a small part of me wishes that I truly do have them in a terrible way so I'm not the "Girl Who Cried Bed Bug" but also that the entire apartment building becomes infested with them so that I can say, "I told you so, you forking ice holes!" Doodle wants to find a live one so she can stick it under 9C's door. I told her that's not nice. But I'm not going to stop her.

The bottom line is that this preparation for a possible bug extermination has done my Feng Shui 9 Things a Day Project good. How about 90 Things a Day? I've done that and then some. You have no idea, people. Even my hair dryer and alarm clock are in a Staten Island land fill right now. Change is good, people are assholes, and Doodle is great. Sleep tight. And don't let the bed bugs bite.