Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Welcome to the Horribleness

Last night I found myself sucked into one of the worst televisions shows I have ever seen, and man, that is saying something, because let's face it: Is there is a lot of crappy stuff on t.v. or what? The horribleness is called the Ex-Wives Club, and it premiered last night on ABC. I watched 45 minutes of this horrible show, mainly so I could write this little post, but partly because I really needed to see the horribleness. I'd liken it to picking a scab. You know it's going to hurt, you know it's going to bleed, you know it's bad for you because your cut will take longer to heal, and most importantly, you know it's going to leave a scar, yet there you go, picking away like a fuckin' moron.

The show supposedly is about mending broken hearts, featuring two individuals' stories, both of whom have suffered terrible breakups. But all it takes is a few minutes into the episode and you realize what the show is really about: The narcissim of its three hosts, Marla Maples, Angie Everhart, and Shar Jackson. The show could be called, "Marla, Angie, and Shar in Different Outfits, Hairstyles, Makeup, and Varying States of Botox, " and clearly there was thought put into the order of these broads to be depicted on the promotional materials, and this is how I remember them.

Who the hell are Marla, Angie, and Shar, you ask? Great question. In a shellaqued nutshell, they were not so famous women who really did not become mildly famous until they banged infamous men, then the men dumped them and sent them back into oblivion. They're back on t.v. now because producers must have believed that three hosts are better than one, and that their experiences being dumped would lend some credibility to the show. Or that their empathy would help ease the pain of the reeling guests who are spilling their guts. Instead, Marla, Angie, and Shar cry constantly. At everything. And always bring the story back to themselves. Comforting!

Here's an example:

Sad sack#1:

My wife of four years dumped me on an instant message. We still live together and sleep in the same bed at my parents house. She goes on dates with other men and comes home late. I still love her. Sob sob sob sob sob sob sob

Marla: An instant message? That is SO SAD! sob sob sob sob sob!

Angie: OMG That IS so sad! I don't know what I'd do if that happened to me! sob sob

Shar: OMG I know! sob sob sob sob sob
Sad Sack #1: crying harder
Marla, Angie and Shar: crying harder than Sad Sack #1
And so the show goes. Sad Sack #2 is a woman whom I feel more sorry for, as her douche of a husband left her and the kids after 25 years for a younger woman. Since Ex-Wives Club has all the requisite features of a makeover show, Sad Sack #2 and #1 get new clothes and hairdos and stuff and learn how to "let go" by doing cathartic activities like zipping around in the desert on Four Wheelies and (this one, for the life of me I don't understand) melting a cheating husband's prized possesion, his Rolex, at a welding warehouse.
She had just finished saying, "I resented him for buying expensive things like this for himself, as we never had any money..." And then Angie Everheart convinces her to put the watch in a 2,000 degree tub of molten lava? "I feel so good now!" she shouts after it's pulled back up on a hook in the form of a molten rock. Oh, yeah? You feel good? Just think how good you'd feel with ten grand in your pocket right now? Maybe your husband left you because you're an idiot. Did you ever think of that?
My favorite part of the show is when Sad Sack #2 goes over to Will Smith's first wife Sheree's house. That's how we're introduced to her. Sheree SMITH reveals her irritation at not being known for being a person in her own right, but for being Will SMITH'S first wife. Sheree, nobody's stopping you from going back to your maiden name, Zampino. Hop to it or shut your pie hole.
Sad Sack #1 ends up being even a bigger Sad Sack than you can imagine. I can't even get into it right now because it's simply too irritating to write about. He is such a frigging complete loser , that I can't even finish this post without burping up nachos that I didn't even eat. Basically, pays his ex-wife thousands and thousands of dollars to poop in his mouth, and then she rubs it on his face for free, making him exclaim how good it is.
So, in summary: Ex-Wives Club is horrible. Check it out sometime if you're in the mood for that sort of thing. Don't have any knives lying about though, because something or someone will be stabbed.


Liz said...

i didn't know will smith was married before jada. he totally cheated on her with jada and don't try to tell me anything else! oh my god i am late to that gossipy bit.

Zed said...

I'm sorry, Anne, but could you please explain again in detail WHY you watched more than 3.5 minutes of this show? You did it for your blog? hahahaha! That cracked me up! :)

Ah, what we do for our blogs.

anne altman said...

well zed, yes, i figured if i had invested more than 3.5 minutes, i owed it to myself and the community to turn something ugly into something gross and informative?

anne altman said...

alright, fine! i had nothing better to do and i'm too terrified to kill myself.


Zed said...

Haaaaaa! Take a Valium already. I sometimes watch crap shows too (apparently not as often as you do however). We all do. Hold your head high, Anne. At least you don't watch The Tyra Banks Show.

Wait, you don't watch The Tyra Banks Show, do you?

Del-V said...

Damn, I missed this show. I was too busy watching the Orioles beat the Yankees.

Why the hell would an ex-wife melt a gold watch for a dumb TV show. She should have sold the watch and used the money for a face-lift and/or boob job.

Just like the 3 hostesses did.