Friday, January 30, 2009

Oh, I Almost Died in My Arms Tonight

So I'm running home to change so I can mobile myself to the Tim and Eric Awesome Live Show Great Job at the Nokia Theater. 

It's a Walk sign. 

I'm running. 

I'm running within the white painted lines that signify where a pedestrian should cross when they're signaled to. 

And a European sports car completely runs the corner without slowing down, let alone stopping.

That is until the leather sole of my right booted foot goes out from under me. Like the ol' banana peel slip. And I'm an inch from the front wheel of a BMW driven by a Botoxed Bitch in her 50's. 

I'm on the ground. 

I quickly pull myself up with a 

WHAT THE F*CK LADY, IT'S A F*CKIN' WALK SIGN, YOU C*NT!

She mouthed something nasty--because her face was nasty, Botox or not--behind the safety of her window as I continued running across the street. 

Bitch almost went to court and paid for my future Botox. She's lucky I'm late for a show. 

Wow. 

Doodle in the Donut

Doodle, NYC~ 1/29/09

Dumped Recently? No Plans For Valentine's Day? Obviously?


Help me and Elvis help you channel the blues, chumps!

Magical Mushrooms, a Morris Minor Traveller, and 4 Moos 4 U






A spin in the ol' Traveller on a stormy day. The grass is green in Vermont for a reason.

Whitecaps on Caspian Lake.





Moo x4.

October, 2006 ~ Greensboro, Vermont

Fresh Direct's EatingWell Line: Hoppin' John with Vegetarian Chorizo n' Kale

Thanks to little bites of smoky soyrizo (vegetarian chorizo) this time-honored American comfort food is suddenly friendly for all kinds of eaters. Rich in veggies and whole grains, this meal features tender black-eyed peas, deep green lacinato kale, toothsome brown rice and a kick of heat from jalapeƱo peppers and hot sauce. The tangy, bright flavors of this satisfying dish bring home classic Southern flavor. Vegan.(Microwave-safe, BPA-free container) Only available at FreshDirect! Perfectly portioned vegetarian proteins, veggies & grains. Less than 500 calories. Low in saturated fat. No cholesterol.

Two thumbs up.

This Just In: Everyone is Fucked Up

Disappointing but true.

Tonight: Tim and Eric Awesome Show Great Job Live at Nokia!

Need a magic ticket to the show? You might try here.
For those of you lucky enough to have scored a magic ticket, see you tonight!
Prepare for mass mania.

Ugly Creatures References Two Can Anne

Ugly Creatures, your go-to blog for major David Caruso Pwnage, pegged my last (first?) David Caruso post, Honk if David Caruso Turns You On. Woot!

Thursday, January 29, 2009

3 Words Which Always Sound Absurd When Said Together

Governor. Arnold. Schwarzenegger*. 



/div>

Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger creeping it up in Carnival in Rio with Arnold Schwarzenegger. 

This time, he's not in cash-strapped Cah-lee-Fo-nee-ya but booby 'n booty-filled Brazil. A direct quote from the Governor: "You know zumzing? After watchin' ze Mulattoez shake it, I can absolutely underztand why Brazil iz todally devoded to ma favoreet bawddy part, zee ass." 

*More absurd: Mr. Maria Kennedy Shriver.

Anyone Reading This Still Employed?

Just checking.

'Cause it's bad. It's bad you know. 



R.L. Burnside, It's Bad You Know.

Do Not Disturb: Hotel Sex Stories by Rachel Kramer Bussel

Look out for Do Not Disturb: Hotel Sex Stories edited by my peep Rachel Kramer Bussel ,writer, cupcaker, editor (what doesn't she do?), and of the most down-to-earth, interesting and hilarious people I've ever met. I guarantee her latest book will be a steamy read!

Weird Wedding Photos Part MLVMMVMCVVL

California woman shortage you say? One box of hot French broads comin' right up.

If I Wore Cuff Links and Played Tennis




I'd enjoy wearing these vintage cuff links with tennis players on them.

Anne's Plans

Last night Doodle and I watched Grumpy Old Men on TCM. Easily one of the greatest, most underrated comedies going. Ann-Margret is gorgeous, Walter Matthau and Jack Lemmon are terrific together as always. Matthau to Lemmon: "Win the lottery yet, dickhead?" And Burgess Meredith as Lemmon's dad? Please--his outtakes alone at the end of the movie are reason enough to watch it. (Take 10: "Look's like Chuck's taking the skin boat to tuna town," made me choke). I identify with the characters so completely in Grumpy Old Men. Obviously I'm a man. An old grumpy one.


Tonight Doodle and I will watch American Psycho on IFC. Another one of my faves. Aside from the fact that Christian Bale is unbelievably hot and ridiculously boneable in it, I really identify with his character, Patrick Bateman. Because I'm a hot young rich and stylish NYC banker with a dark, bloody, knifey bludgeoning side. Who happens to love Huey Lewis and the News.

If You Were Me Watching TV, This Would Be Watching You

Doodle watching me watch television.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Turkey on Whole Wheat with Cheese, Mustard & 16 Jalepenos

T.Z.'s sandwich. Assblow, anyone?
NYC- January 29, 2009

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Clap Clap Clap Clap Clap it Out



Clap, Clap, Clap
. From Sesame Street, 1970's

Another Night Out for Anne? Sounds About Right

January 21, 1922. Washington, D.C. " 'Boot leg.' Woman taking flask from her Russian boot." National Photo Company glass negative. View full size.
Swastika-tiled floors? A once-peaceful symbol, ruined colossally by Adolf and Co.

Random Good Stuff: Puchi Puchi Bubble Wrap Toy


Bubble wrap addiction? You can pop your ass off with this thing. And apparently, to keep you on your toes, "every 100 pop is a fart, barking dog, door chime or a sexy voice."

So You Say Someone Has Just Called You an Ugly Dumb Retard

I don't know what to tell you. It hurts, for sure. But beauty comes from within. Or so they say.

And even if it doesn't, let's say it really doesn't. What the hell are you going to do?

Let's just believe it does.

Plus, the person who said that to you probably has ridiculously long and distracting nose hairs. And where's the beauty there? Am I right?

LIFE






An afternoon with Kevin Heald of 8 Million Stories.

Kevin, wearing cargo shorts on one of the coldest nights of the year, made sure he had a warm dome piece--his lid? A Cha Cha orginal. Mais oui.

East Village Tavern, 158 Avenue C, NYC
Saturday, January 24, 2009

Too Cute? OMG OMG OMG




Thanks for the submission, newbluebaby. I'm tearing up over here.

Too Soon? OMG

Tennis 100 Years Ago Anyone?



www.sanspantaloons.blogspot.com

She's Just Not That Into You: Dear Fuckin' Netflix Flick I Don't Feel Like Fuckin' Watching

After six months of lying to myself, I'm so returning you for what's up next on my cue. Whatever the fuck that is. 

Honestly? Sure, there's a time when I was all about you and your 1950's black and white appeal of Italian flicks about the effects of war on a small ill-equipped country. 

But then suddenly I just wasn't. 

Wasn't that into you. 

And all the Canadian Club in the world wouldn't allow me to stomach another 1950's black and white italian flick about whatevs. 

You've overstayed your welcome, Fellini. *David Caruso would put on his sunglasses here*
so what do you do if you're me?

you send that shiz back for something new in two days. 

Two days tops. 

BASTA, MISGUIDED NEFLIX PICK; bring on The Dark Crystal!

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Calder Jewelry Exhibit: At the Met Through March 1

Alexander Calder (1898-1976), whose illustrious career spanned much of the 20th century, is the most acclaimed and influential sculptor of our time. Born in a family of celebrated, though more classically trained artists, Calder utilized his innovative genius to profoundly change the course of modern art. He began by developing a new method of sculpting: by bending and twisting wire, he essentially "drew" three-dimensional figures in space. He is renowned for the invention of the mobile, whose suspended, abstract elements move and balance in changing harmony. Calder also devoted himself to making outdoor sculpture on a grand scale from bolted sheet steel. Today, these stately titans grace public plazas in cities throughout the world.


Calder in his Paris studio, 14 Rue de la Colonie, fall 1931. Photograph by Marc Vaux


Photo and bio from calder.org.





I learned about the new show at the Met, Calder's Jewelry, today in WSJ's article Body Sculpture Crafted by Calder by Lance Esplund. What's not interesting about a crazy mobile-making genius who couldn't not make crazy, mobile, movement-inspired jewelry and objects d'art (approximately 1,800 pieces in his lifetime)? Nothing. At the Met through March 1. See you there.


Rejected: Tales of the Failed, Dumped and Cancelled ---Book Release Party Tonight

Tonight:
Hosted by Jon Friedman
Tuesday, 1/27/09 @ 8 pm
149 7th Street
Brooklyn, NY 11215
718-643-6510
FREE
Featuring fast, fun REJECTED performances from:

David Wain, David Rees, Mike Albo, Dave Hill, Todd Levin, Odd Todd, Sara Schaefer, Tom McCaffrey, Katina Corrao and more.

How's Your News: Debuts February 8 on MTV




How's Your News:


Before we tell you about our background we’d like to answer one of the most frequently asked questions about “How’s Your News?”


This question is: “Has anyone ever found this material offensive?”



The short, simple answer is: no.


We fully understand why people would express concern upon hearing the concept behind HYN, but we’d hope anyone with such concerns would take a look at the films we’ve made and get to know the background of this project. All of our reporters, and their families, are very proud of this project. The disability community has widely embraced this project, often using our films for training or inspirational purposes. Far from being offensive, they provide a positive, empowering view of life with a disability. That’s our opinion. Please watch our films and let us know what YOU think!


And now, the background: How’s Your News first began over ten years ago at a summer camp for adults with disabilities in Massachusetts. We were working in video class and searching for a format which could include as many people, with as wide an array of disabilities, as possible. So we began making our own news shows.

How's Your News? This is going to be terrific.

Make Yourself Pretty: Real Hair, Fake Hair Get it Together


Kings Hairstyling, 225 East 14th Street


Royal Wigs, 229 East 14th Street


Beauty Bar, 231 East 14th Street




Walking east along 14th Street between 3rd & 2nd.

Monday, January 26, 2008


Monday, January 26, 2009

Honk if David Caruso Turns You On


Endless Clips of David Caruso on CSI Miami


Ladies? Gents? Other? I just need to know. If the answer is "Yes, David Caruso turns me on," I'd like to know why. 

Sometimes I just need to solve a mystery. I'm curious like that. 

PS David Caruso's Mom:  Not eligible to vote on this. Sorry, love. 

Vote for Huggles!

Having a bad day? Why don't you watch someone get the gift they never wanted in Huggles! You'll feel better instantly. Fortified nonsense from my dear peeps Oren Brimer and Sara Jo Allocco. Directed by Nathan Kloke. Enjoy. I did.

Does This Highly Stylized, Mega Photoshopped Pic Make Me Look Fat?

Yes.

Anne dancing at Bobby Love's.
Chicago ~ January 9, 2009


Fascinating Insurance Industry Question of the Day

If you have a 10 million sublimit on quake, but 50 million in delay cover, if there is a quake loss, would delay be for the full 50?

Answer will be provided by close of business today, EST.

Good luck, nerds!

"CALIFORNIA PORT FROM THE VINEYARDS OF KOHLER & FROHLING"
circa 1870's
Copyright 2001 to 2008 ~ Dean Walters, San Anselmo, Ca

Wasted and Frisky, a Dude Tries to Stick it in Something for Fun

What's unusual about that, you ask? Dudes are dudes, afterall.

True.

Well, the something happened to be a raccoon who wasn't having that kind of fun so he (or she?) justifiably took a bite out of crime.

Doctor (referencing the possibility of a pecker reconstruction): “That’s gone forever so there isn’t going to be much for them to work with."

Butch

Butch.
LES, NYC
1/23/09

Monday Morning Problems



Page 343 out of best seller, Calculus, by James F. Hurley.

Sunday, January 25, 2009

Doritos Flavor Pitch: Last Time to Vote Before the Super Bowl

Vote here! Then sit back, crack open a beer and watch the first quarter of the Super Bowl to see if Matt and Front Page Films' pitch, "Doritos Beer" wins! 

Survey Says: Selma Hayek Has Great Cans


My latest reluctant grocery shop (my first in 6 months: eating is expensive) on Fresh Direct yesterday included some Doodle food. 

I've been too busy and pre-occupied to have enough wet stuff on hand it seems; it always feels like we're down to the last can of Fancy Feast in the cupboard or the last half can of Friskies Meaty Bits in the fridge. 

If I walk into the kitchen, let alone open the refrigerator (or that cupboard) and Doodle hears it, and it's empty, well, I am no short of fucked. 

The 7 lb bitch wants her food, bitches.

You don't think a  7lb anything can be a terrorist? Look. There have been times Doodle has been so relentless, I've had to put my coat back on and walk across the street to the Koreans for Fancy Feast to make the annoying stop. 

But with Recession '09 in full effect, I decided it was time for financial prudence and planning--read: time for me to experiment with the least expensive (read: cheapest) canned wet crap next to dog food for Doodle. She's a picky eater (prefers meaty bits and chunky flesh to pureed clumps) and eats the vet-recommended dry, is in excellent health but she hates that brand's wet stuff---why pay for crap she doesn't eat that I just have to scrape out of the bowl and flick in the garbage days later? 

Why not just give her the Doritos of cat food? Why not give a cat what she wants? Something disgusting? Something not fortified with rice and flavored with basil? Something more akin to eating the ass out of a skunk? 

May I present to you Doodle's New Wet Food Diet in Recession 09:

9 Lives Tuna Select with 95% Real Tuna

And kids? Let me tell you, you don't have to eat it to know it is revolting

Unbearably so. 

It doesn't bear much resemblance to "people" tuna, as it's blood red and throbbing, for crying out loud. And what the fuck is the other 5 percent "tuna?"

I almost booted when I opened the can (you pay 20 more cents for the flip top/peel version tins apparently) to dump the hot mess into her bowl. 

Does Doodle like it, you ask?

Please. She can't get enough.

9 Lives Tuna Select with 95% Tuna? Doodle's lovin' it. 


Friday, January 23, 2009

RIP, Indian Fridays

A few weeks ago we came up with this thing called Indian Fridays where a 4 or 5 of us actually leave the office for a real lunch instead of the usual cramming Subway down our pie holes at our desks. Most of the kids craved Indian food, so Indian Fridays began. Our third Indian Friday at Baluchi's on Warren Street was today. 

It was also our last. 

When do Indian Fridays turn into Mexican Fridays?

When a cockroach crawls out of the naan. 

Indian Fridays was a fast and furious blip on the screen for sure, but high on excitement and weirdness, including a disturbing obsession our waitress (who reminded us of a poor man's Selma Hayek) had for: 

1) Greenberg
2) Telling us how hot she was 40 lbs ago when she looked even more like Selma Hayek.

***Spoiler Alert: The roach dies in the end, splattered beneath Betty's boot under the table. ***

Chubby Selma Hayek: It wasn't in the bread. It was in the basket. Not the bread. The basket. 

Mexican Fridays here we come. 


Just Let It: You Know You Want To


Pete Townshend, Let My Love Open the Door, 1993

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Oh, Like There's No Such Thing As Half - Zippy Sweater Thursdays










Anne's Office ~ NYC~ 1/22/09


A random photographic polling of the men in the office proves that it does.

Either Half-Zippy Sweater Thursdays exists, or the stores were crammed over the holidays with an inexhaustible half-zippy sweater inventory, and today happens to be Thursday. I wouldn't know what's in the stores, I haven't shopped for new clothes in 2 years. Just one look at my "wardrobe" and I think that's fairly obvious.

Texting with Tuna the Fish

From: Tuna

"I look so good today--I feel bad for all those people who don't want me."

Jan 22, 11:03 a.m.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Where's Weirdo?

Another treat from sans pantaloons.


answer: top right (me)

Eight Million Stories' New Feature: Happy Hour with Two Can Anne


I'll be working with the amazing Kevin Heald*, Editor-in-Chief, and the rest of the gang at Eight Million Stories on a new feature called Happy Hour with Two Can Anne, a feature featuring... me. Oh, and the stuff that I do in this town.

Please check out the new NYC webzine eightmillionstories.com and the first installment of Happy Hour with Two Can Anne: One September Night. Viva NYC. Totes.



*I'd be remiss not to cross-promote here: Kevin also does Marketing for marvelous milliner to the stars, Cha Cha at Cha Cha's House of I'll Repute. Need a lid? Sure you do. Cha Cha's your broad.

Weird Wedding Party Gifts Part II

Thank you for coming to our wedding. Please accept this token of thanks to remind you of the day the bride's head went up in flames. T'was a very sad day. Never forget. 'Member? What? YOU FORGOT ALREADY?

Jager Bombs? They're SO Bush Administration


There's a new way to get messed up in town. Originally called the "O-Bomb," I officially christened it last night toasting Obama (and roasting his hot mess predecessor).



  • The Obama Bomb
  • * One shot Stoli Orange
  • * Mixed with (or dropped into) equal parts Red Bull and orange juice.

Tastes like Tang. Who doesn't love an orange beverage with a kick of obnoxious?


You're welcome.

Congratulations all around on our 44th President!