David Cook Wins American Idol 2008: Two Can Anne's Finale Wrap Up

I missed the first hour of the American Idol finale last night, but I did manage to see the majority of the second. Below are my acute, insightful observations which I carefully penned on Post-It notes and have transcribed for you here.

• Jordan Sparks was underwhelming at best. And, well, the gold paper flared-skirt dress was probably not the best choice for the husky daughter of a former NFL cornerback.
• Carrie Underwood sang a song about being a drunken slut who cheats on her husband called "Last Name" as in, "I was dancing at a club drunk with a drunk dude whose last name I don't know who drunk-drove us back to his place, and luckily I lived to sing about it with the only deleterious effect being a massive hangover and possibly life-ending VD and / or pregnancy and wait, I don't even know my last name." Great message for the kids. Her frock was a form of white tuxedo mini-dress which she wore with a sort of sheer chiffon wrappy white thing which was attached at the wrists and hung behind her like an errant piece of chewed up toilet paper. (update: the Go Fug Yourself Girls also think her dress looked like t.p. which means, I have my finger on the pulse, yo. The toilet paper pulse.)
• Then there was an ad for a new FOX series starring a hot blonde and non-descript dude running around encountering terrible bio disasters happening in the world created by mischievous terrorists including some sort of burned up and destroyed airplane, its passengers exploded inside, rendering the windows splattered with blood product. Tune in!
• Next, the Idol Top 10 strutted their Brady Bunch song and dance shiz to some classic George Michael, trying to prove one last time in front of the Idol audience that perhaps that they shouldn't have been voted off in the first place. Bonk!
• Surprise guest George Michael "graced" the stage with a horrendous, never-ending song which never got off the ground, made me squirm in my seat, and made me embarrassed, ashamed, for him, me, my generation, his generation, his mother, my mother, her generation, the people of the world, and baby animals. Old! Scary! Hard living? Too much getting trashed? Too much picking trash? Something worse? Man. The kids in the front row were no doubt thinking to themselves, this fragile, creepy geezer in sunglasses and Botox is the same dude who sang the zippy songs we just heard (Faith, Father Figure)? OMG! TMTH! Ewww! Afterwards, Ryan Seacrest came out onstage with, "George Michael everybody! First tour in 17 years!" No shit! Are we sure it's not 70 years? Of course, Paula was standing, clapping like a seal, and sobbing her face off during the "moving" lyrics of his non-descript shitshow song. Clearly she was hammered. Trashed. Then George Michael made it even more awkward for himself by apologizing for his cold. Ouch. Ouch! OUCHERS!
• Finally, the finale---the judges gave a few final remarks about the exciting ride that was Season 7. Randy said something about dawgs, Paula said something stupid, and Simon apologized for being hard on David Cook the night prior and possibly swinging the vote out (or in?) his favor. And there the two Davids stood, with the giant egg-headed David Cook with his arm around the tiny David Archuleta, as Ryan Seacrest read the results. I was rooting for David Cook (though I didn't vote. Unpatriotic? Perhaps but in a free country you don't have to pay to vote via 866 numbers), and I thought David Archuleta had it sewn up. So did David Cook apparently, because when he won, he started bawling with his giant egg head in his hands, all "I need a minute to compose myself" style which annoyed me to no end, of course, as it would. Boys wearing eyeliner aren't allowed to cry. All I could do was shout, STOP CRYING! STOP CRYING! STOP CRYING!
• The emotional rollercoaster peaked with the crowd on its feet for the rainbow and unicorn rousing "Time of My Life," --David Cook's first recorded single as American Idol 2008 Winner-- which he sang effortlessly once he stopped crying.
• The crowd remained on their feet and sobbing with joy as David Cook worked the stage with great eyeliner-eye contact to his mother and family and an ear-t0-ear smile, beaming with victory and pride, sitting on top of the world as the confetti was released from the heavens. At that moment, a large part of me wanted a huge rock to drop on him.
• David Cook's brother, who is unfortunately, tragically terminally ill with cancer, cried and clapped and looked into the camera with a heartfelt and teary "That's my brother!" as David finished his song right before the credits rolled, and I thought to myself, wouldn't it be a serious emotion topper if at this very moment, a huge rock dropped on him too?
• Then FOX 5 News immediately announced that they were giving me an All Access Pass to Everything Idol, and had some broad on the red carpet promising the first interview with David Cook as he came outside. But then there was real news to report, such as a crazy looking drug addict purse snatcher who is grabbing ladies' purses on the subway, so the All Access Pass, featuring live footage of dumpy civilian twats with American Idol tickets (but no life) who crowded behind the velvet ropes went to Idol Cam--a small square in the bottom left hand side of the television. But it and the American Idol Crawl (on the bottom of the screen) really did block the details about what was happening with the wild-eyed purse snatcher, so...I expect my shit to be ripped off any day now in a violent struggle which may end with my face cut from ear to ear.
• And this, folks, was your Two Can Anne American Idol Wrap Up. Now you may watch your tiVo to check my accuracy.

PS Don't feel sorry for David Cook for being born with an enormous egghead. It's not his fault. And, he's going to be a mazllionaire which will afford him the zillion brooms he'll need to buy in which to beat off all of the vageeny which will be thrown at him now that he's the next President of the United States. All Hail the Chief.