Dammit, I Knew He Liked Boys

I've never been one of those gals to go out with a guy only to find out years later that he's gay. So that's good. Some girls do it repeatedly and 'tis sad. And weird. I mean, it could be coincidence, but if a girl's developing a pattern, she might want to ask herself a few questions, you know? Anyway, my point: I called it first!


Read and digest.


Just in case you didn't believe me and would wager a $20 bet on this and lose, or you need to be reminded that I'm totally excellent at stuff sometimes and this is just one tiny example, please, be my guest.


Sigh.


Another one officially dropped from Anne's Eligible Roster. He's hot! Boo! I don't want him on the other team. But Perez Hilton is as gay as all get out, and the gays know these things about other gays who are "hiding". They know. I don't know how they do it, but they can read the signals and they recognize their own. And Perez saw Matthew doing a gay thing, despite his incredible Meisner technique, perhaps it was a yellow silk scarf or whatever, a glance, a gait, a blah blah blah. Or he knows Matthew's secret peeps on the Fire Island.

At any rate, if Matthew likes the dudes, it's too bad that people can't know that he's a dude lover. I mean, if you love dudes like I do, you just want to love them without people getting in your grill about it. We're here, we're queer, get used to it. Didn't anybody see Rosie O'Donnell's "Cruise Ship O' Queers" documentary where she packs a ship of gay families and sails around the world and I bawled my fucking eyes out because our current administration doesn't think that good parents who have kids (who often adopt unwanted, fucked up kind of kids, to boot) aren't proper families?

Now in all honesty, don't get me wrong, I'd personally shoot myself if I were on that cruise. Shoot myself dead, like no-doubt dead, and it'd be a scandal. But I wouldn't do it because everyone was homosexual, I'd do it because of those kids who were all over the fucking place with their whining and their sticky pancake syrup hands which touch everything.

Oh, but why can't people just be themselves for fuck's sake???

(Song break):

I've gotta be me......I've gotta be me....

Anyway, I should most likely thank Perez. He just may have prevented me from making a really big mistake, the best mistake of my "career". I mean, of course, Matthew isn't here to defend himself, but let's hypothesize for fun time's sake:

Matthew and I were seriously weeks away from being the next Hollywood It Couple:



Anne-thew



Because after a few weeks of very educated and sophisticated stalking, a "chance" meeting would occur in which Matthew would actually believe that he had discovered me, I play a brief 8 minute game of hard-to-get, he begs me to smoke a joint back at his AirStream trailer to play bongos, I relent, and then we're a couple for approximately 7 months before we both need the dick so bad we break up.

No straight guy is ever that hot. Knew it was too good to be true. I called that shit, bitches. I done did.

Oh, 'tis a burden to be right all the time, you'd think you'd feel great, but it's actually a burden to be brilliant. I think sometimes a little ignorance is a little bliss. But I wouldn't really know. So admittedly, I'm a little down right now. This really sucks for me because honestly? I was getting kind of psyched about the whole idea, you know? But seriously,I mean, his initials are double M, and mine are double A, ok? And he likes bongos, I like bongos, and he likes grass, I like grass? What are the odds? And come on, he's hot, and I'm relatively attractive in comparison...you know, all that jazz, we have it in common.