E-bay An-cay Oh-blay E-may

I'm suffering from Ebay Melancholy this morning. For the last couple of days, I've been cruising this particular collection of crap currently up for auction with the intent of swooping in via a last-minute victory bid. It was a present for myself for my birthday, because at this age, cake isn't gonna cut it. And this wasn't any old crap, like an iPod or something that you can find on the sidewalk(that's where I found mine), this is crap that I was convinced only a freak like myself could be interested in: a collection of assorted 1870's ephemera from Swampscott, MA. In other words: a dead guy's stuff (see photo). Unfortunately, some other last minute-swooping jerk was interested in my birthday present too, and clearly not interested in buying it for me. My victory dance was short-lived, consisting of a single hand clap, one "I'm awesome!" and one "You suck!"--before I saw the big red X and the message: "You have been outbid. Bidding has ended for this item." I'm a swooper who was out-swooped. And to add insult to injury, my underwear is going right up my ass today giving me a serious wedgie. What a loser.