New: The Onion News Network! With Video!

Jack Kukoda's New Sneaks, 3/24/07

Peeps, please check out the new Onion News Network (ONN, which I will shortly link to my sidebar) because it's hilarious, like you knew it would be, and more importantly, my friend and Buffalo's own Jack Kukoda has something to do with this project. And if Kukoda's involved, you know it's gotta be good. What's his involvement exactly, you ask? I suspect he's a writer, but you know what? It could be anything. He may be on the payroll simply to pick boogs and flick 'em on the floor of the offices, ok, it doesn't much matter because he's brilliant. He freakin' went to Yale, ok?

The new 24 hour online ONN is going to be great for all! Especially you kids in lame or weird cities who have to subscribe to The Onion to get your fake news coverage. Here in NYC it's a free paper with little kiosks* all over town. (Quiz: guess which kiosks I noticed are always full of untouched Onions? That's right, the Upper East Side. Devoid of humor and affordable anything.)

So make sure you check it and watch the video. Good stuff.

*Kiosk? Not sure if that's what you call that plastic newpaper vendor/holder thingie, but I'm not gonna lie, I like typing the word kiosk.

The Carter Family: Looking for Henry Lee, 1952

The Carter Family: June, Mother Maybelle (guitar), Anita (bass), and Helen (accordion) give us a rare treat on NBC's Kate Smith Evening Hour in 1952:

How Crayons Are Made

From Sesame Street.

Frogs Are Better Than Flies

From Sesame Street.

Wow, What a Flick: Atlantic City, 1980

My mom recently recommended the movie Atlantic City to me because she knows how much I love Atlantic City. She gave me no details other than telling me that Burt Lancaster and Susan Sarandon are in it. I didn't know anything else, and I made sure it stayed that way. I love it when movies are great surprises. Atlantic City was an amazing--albeit depressing-- surprise. Apparently it was also nominated for 5 Oscars. This is no surprise.

Atlantic City has everything: romance, action, drama, suspense, murder, hopes, dreams, and despair. Written by John Guare and directed by the great Louis Malle, the movie came out in 1980 and was released in the States in 1981. It depicts an AC coming out of one of the most brutally depressing decades in the resort town's history. Developers touted with signs on delapidated buildings destined for destruction: "Atlantic City's Rebirth" or the "New Atlantic City on the Rise," as a way to announce new casinos moving in* (gambling was legalized in 1978).

Unbeknownst to Sally (Susan Sarandon), she and Lou (Burt Lancaster) live next door to each other in one of these delapidated buildings destined for demolition. Lou is a washed up old bookie who when he's not peering at Sally through her kitchen windows or talking shit "I was big in Vegas," he runs bets for locals in the neighborhood and takes care of an old lady (his age) on the first floor for a few bucks. Sally is a fresh-faced hopeful running away from a dead-end life in Canada and trying to start a new one in AC by learning to be a dealer in a casino. The contrast between the two is intriguing. Lancaster and Sarandon are fantastic. You don't have to have ever been to Atlantic City to feel it, Malle's direction is superb. I don't want to spoil the movie with a crappy review, so just rent it, kids. Trust me, it's good.

*There's footage of the old Traymore Hotel being imploded in 1972

Doodle is Freaking Me Out Today

Meat.com: BK Broiler, Anyone?

All I have to say is, meat.com isn't really working out for me. This busty gentleman who winked me should be proof positive.

He should be hooked up to a Swedish Milking Machine. Nice tits, dude. Cover your girls.

PS What's the deal with the creepy Burger King doll, standing in the background, waiting for you to get back into the manwich?

I love that this guy is honest, yet he lied about his age.

I'm sick.

And he's orange.

Please notice that the "Last Read" field is blank.

Kill me.

PPS Nice dining room, Louis the 16th. Or should I say, Tony Soprano?







Firstly, i would like to say that i am a 39 years old, NOT 26...unfortunately, i was forced to position myself as a 28 year old because i am trying to avoid being bombed with emails from 35 to 50 year old women who have been divorced three (3) times, have eight(8) children from three (3) different men, and whose cellulite runs from beneath her armpits straight on through to their ankles :)

ABOUT ME: I am a 39 years old...I have never been married nor do i have any kids...i really enjoy sports and i am very athletic...i also enjoy going to the gym, martial arts, great restaurants, vacations, weekend trips and exotic sports cars...

ABOUT MY CHARACTER:extremely loyal, honest, and trustworthy... family oriented, very selfconfident (but humble)... ambitious, somewhat agressive(i know what i want), very diciplined...intellectual...somewhat bold and assertive...with high morals and good values...

ABOUT MY DATE: 21 and 35 years old... loyal, honest, and trustworthy...family oriented, physically fit, attractive, with high morals and good values...

In my own words
for fun:
I ENJOY GOING TO THE GYM, MARTIAL ARTS, RESTAURANTS, VACATIONS, AND EXOTIC SPORTS CARS...
my job:
BUSINESS OWNER
my ethnicity:
100% ITALIAN...
my religion:
CATHOLIC
my education:
I OBTAINED BOTH MY BACHELORS AND MASTERS DEGREES...
favorite hot spots:
-FAVORITE RESTAURANTS... ITALIAN- "SCALINI FEDELI" STEAKHOUSE- "PETER LUGER" AND "RUTH CHRIS"...FAVORITE WEEKEND TRIP..."CAPE MAY"... -I PREFER "LOUNGES" AND "PIANO BARS" OVER "CLUBS"- THE CARIBBEAN and LAS VEGAS-THE BEST!!!!
favorite things:
(SEE ABOVE"WHAT DO I DO FOR FUN" )
last read:

Another Ridiculous Sign on the Bathroom Door at Work

Typos Sukc

And this one is a bad one. Have you ever been to West Virgina? It's south of West Vagina. That typo is not as bad as one of my high school football team rivals' jerseys, which during one season read, The Ram's (they wore them the entire season). But the worst typo? That goes the dude I met with a huge Notre Dame tattoo on his shoulder: "Figtin' Irish."

Figtin? Ahhh, permanence. Sometimes it blows. Remember that guy you dated who had that huge black androgynous Formerly Known as Prince symbol tattooed on his shoulder and then Prince went back to being called Prince? Oh, right. That was me.

Weird Wedding Photos Part MVCCLMMM

I call this series, "Trying to Hard Wedding Photographer Guy"

" Ok, everyone do a something crazy! A silly face, or pose or whatever strikes your fancy, be wild!"

Gross.

And last but not least, the Trying Too Hard Wedding Photographer Guy, hard at work trying too hard.

"I need to stand like this for the picture to come out like I was really trying too hard. It's my thing."

Weird Wedding Photos Part VXXCMM

I don't think this guy is the groom. I think he's a creepy guy who just ran up behind her on the beach. This same dude has groped me before on the uptown 6 train. I'd recognize his pudgy meathooks anywhere.

"Girls, get off my jock and stop crowding me. You're making me look fat. Move, or I'll elbow you in the tits with my bouquet. For reals."

Doodle on a Friday Evening Up in Your Grill

Some of you may not know this, but Doodle's nose is covered in Genuine Suede Calfskin. She had it done this week. Looks good, no?
3/30/07

Jesus Isn't Made of Chocolate? ? ?

And if Jesus isn't made of chocolate, does this mean the Easter Bunny isn't either? Like, for example, when I bite his head off on Easter morning, am I going to have an Ozzy moment, or the familiar hollow crappy chocolate taste? What the heck is going on here?!?!

I'm done.

Britney & Kevin Getting Back Together

Totally fake news which I just made up for the fuck of it.

I just wanted your attention to let you know the following:

I need a nap.

Talk About a Mustache Ride

I'm Not an Insomniac

But last night I did not sleep well. It was one of those nights when you put your head down on the pillow, pull up the covers, and close the eyes only to realize that fifteen minutes later, you're still awake underneath those closed lids. Add 6 hours to that. You're too tired to get up and do stuff, but you're too awake to sleep. It bites.

Instead of sleep, I was tormented by bizarre dreams, one which featured me discovering that Payless Shoes had just opened a store in the middle of a lake where I had just purchased a significant piece of lakefront property. Needless to say, I was beside myself. "Talk about ruining property values! A Payless shoestore? ? ? In the middle of the lake? ? ? There goes the neighborhood! This is absurd!!!"

Tell me about it. But it's no more absurd than the line "...where I had just purchased a significant piece of lakefront property." In my dreams is right.

Lotto, anyone?

Photo for Friday

If the cute radiating from this picture doesn't make your head explode, your heart is black and crunchy.

Save Coney Island

Kids, I have bad but predictable news: Coney Island is the the next Gentrification Destination. Developers have already bought up much of Astroland for demolition and have big plans for "luxury condominiums", swank hotels and retail stores where the regular peep hasn't a chance at even seeing the sea. I swam with the Coney Island Polar Bears back in November (before some dingdong--may he RIP--bonked his head diving from the shore and ruined it for everyone) and I am fowarded a lot of the tragic inside information from my friends. There is a petition to stop the madness, however, and I've linked it here. Also, here is a nice blog by someone following Coney Island's past, present and future called the Coney Island Report. In short: Don't let them knock down the Cyclone for a Best Buy. Be a part of saving Coney Island from becoming just another place to buy a Coach handbag or Hugo Boss Whatevs, and sign the petition. Of course, none of this much will matter when we're nuked by Iran, but it will make you feel like you're making a difference in the meantime. And get out there for a visit, would ya?

Stop Disappointing People With Your Terrible Stories

There are a lot of people, places and things in this world which bring me an enormous amount of disappointment. Yes, I am including myself in the list of people who disappoint me, duh. But I'm particularly disappointed by a terrible storyteller. Someone who grabs hold of the microphone, (so to speak), to blurt out their "I've got a funny story..." or to one-up someone in conversation, and then their tale really falls flat, bites, sucks, ends with a whimper, an excruciating silent fart.

If you're one of these people, there's no need to set your audience up for disappointment time and time again! Instead of opening with "I've got a funny story..." and ending with "...it was so funny..." when there's silence and forced laughter, why not try, "Here's a story I find funny..." because if they don't find it funny, they can suck it because you never promised them shit.

Try it. It works! It's what I do, anyway.

Heather Mills: Stay Classy?

Heather, Heather, Heather. I'm glad you're on Dancing With the Stars this season. The fact that you can tango on one gam is amazing. But Paul, Paul, Paul. What were you thinking? (Warning, the following link isn't classy at all): The difference between trash and class is a half a billion dollars.

Ride, Ride, Ride, Hitchin' a Ride

When I said goodbye to my doorman this morning, he said to me, [in Pakistani accent] "It's beautiful outside. You will have no trouble kicking everyone's ass today."

Then I witnessed a young, well-dressed business man dude on Park Avenue trying to hail a taxi by walking backwards with traffic with his thumb up. I kind of felt bad for him, until a cab pulled over. You really don't have to use your hitch thumb if you plan on paying. I wonder if he planned on paying. I'm sure the taxi planned on him paying. Maybe he was foreign. Whatevs.

Weird Wedding Photos Part XLLLCMX

"I told you I was marrying Fabio and none of you fuckers believed me."

ZOOM: I'm Bernadette!

The PBS show ZOOM was taped in Boston. And when I was a kid, my Mom took me to see the original cast in Marblehead, Mass (so says my Mom). Even though I was "all about ZOOM" I have to admit, I really don't remember much about that trip. Other than that I love ZOOM. And from watching ZOOM did I learn how to do Batik (a textile print making technique using dye and wax. Very 70's). And, of course, how to do the "Bernadette thing." I even had Bernadette's sailor's rope bracelet. Shrink to fit, cut it off in the Fall. Very yacht-y.

Please enjoy Bernadette, and her "thing."

Somebody Wants to Munch Mice

And it's not me. I already ate. Thanks, though.

Ya Think?

Hmmmmm. A fuckload of skeletons. Could possibly be a serial killer. Or just coincidence? Let's get Fargo North Decoder on this toute suite, shall we?

I'm Not Fond of Flying Either

Had I known my only punishment for grabbing another passengers junk or slapping a flight attendant for not serving me any more alcohol would be a court-ordered Manners Class, you better believe I'd be in the news under the heading "Old News" by now.

Juke Box Hero

Pick your nose and shake (maybe bite) your lolly pop during the guitar solo. It's ok; all the cool kids are doing it. Thumbs up = guns up.

I Looked Like Shit in 1989

I blame the fashions. That's my story, and I'm sticking to it, so suck it.



Prince, Alphabet Street, 1989

Dedicated to My Dearest Ubi

The Cranberries, "Linger"

All You Need is a Job in Flint, Michigan and 4K

...and this house can be yours. The term "Fixer Upper" is subjective, man. Looks like "Move In Condition" to me. Bid away, folks!

Niagara Falls, New York

There appears to be vacancy, folks! Just show up and pray the pool's open.

Asbury Park, New Jersey

The Boardwalk, THEN and NOW.

I Love You, Bruce

Tunnel of Love.

Dig that tunnel and love it.

"Fat man sittin' on a little stool, takes the money from my hand as his eyes take a walk all over you..." Brilliant. And so true. Creepy carnies.

Weird Wedding Photos Part MLLCMX

SPOT





THE






















RENTED

























TUXEDO

Weird Wedding Photos Part MCXXXLM

I like to call this series, "We Love Chardonnay!"

Also known as: "I May Have Married a Gay Guy!"

Weird Wedding Photos Part MMCM

I like to call this one, "A Study in Strange Shaped Dome Pieces"

Man, those are some bizarre craniums.

Fun Time Fill In the Blank

Disappointment smells like _________________.

God, I Love Spaghettios

"The neat new spaghetti you can eat with a spoon."

Weird Wedding Photos Part MCMLLX

Waldorf & Statler & Pigeons

Greetings From Kansas

Greetings From New York City

Cauliflower: I'm Not a Fan

Unless it's pickled. Pickled anything is pretty good. I like pickles.

Where Do You Belong?

Glen Frey~ You Belong to the City, 1985

Fact or Crap: My New Favorite Board Game

Last night at Trivia, I discovered my new favorite board game with my friend Dan. It's called "Fact or Crap," and I believe it's an Aussie-made game. Yay, Aussies! As the name implies, you simply have to guess whether or not the piece of trivia you've been read is either fact or crap. I like simple. I like facts. Plus, I'm full of crap, so this game is for me. Try it. You'll like it. Unless you hate board games, and in that case, you'll hate it.

Derek Jeter is Hot Despite His Spock Ear

Don't misinterpret this comment. I'm nothing but a fan of the Red Sox and hot guys in general.

I Want To Trash a Hotel Room

And burn my boyfriend's clothes in a garbage can. If you blame your rage on a disorder, all is ok, all is forgiven.

Before I begin this mania, let me preface it with: My disorder is to blame for the following rage.

BRING ON THE HOTEL ROOMS AND THE CLOTHES AND THE TRASH CAN! I'VE GOT A MATCH AND SOME GASOLINE! LET'S GET THIS SHIT ON!

Weird Wedding Photos Part XVXII

"We're so happy! We're so cool! We're barefoot! We're so..."

Lame.

An Evening in NYC Means: A Show and Trivia!

Tonight I was two-timing it on the NYC scene: That's right. I attended a solo show performance and a trivia game. The night started out at the Tank Theater to see Julia Wright's performance of "Nuts for Sale" starring herself as the patient and Howard Mears as the observational doctor psychiatrist fellow. It was a soup-to-nuts performance (pun intended) of why she's such a crazy bitch (as if I needed any explanation; she is a friend of mine, afterall) and it was well-written, well-performed and hilarious to boot:

Julia Wright and Howard Mears in "Nuts for Sale" ~ 3 /28/07

Afterwards, I was able to make an evening of trivia with my pals Dan Curry and Margot Leitman. Being this my first time at trivia with these peeps, apparently I was pre-screened by Dan asking Margot, "Can Anne Altman tag along?" (as no dumb-asses need apply), and luckily I was accepted as part of the team, named Stanko. (Don't ask). I redeemed myself with the first question (What river runs through Paris: The Seine), because after that and three beers, I was pretty much useless, but whatever, as we rocked it out amongst the nerds and made the best of it. I had zero tolerance for the Annoying Trivia Question Master (who was too busy making time with some ugly bar wench and not enough time with his watch) because it took him a half hour in between questions when he said "Five minutes." Did we win? No, but thanks to Dan, I did learn something, that Jimi Hendrix apparently volunteered for the army as a para-trooper to avoid a jail sentence for riding in a stolen car.

Margot Leitman and Dan Curry, 3/28/07


I also learned when I got home that Doodle, though a fan of chopped mice (something I didn't have on hand in the cabinet), is not a fan of chopped clams (something I did have in the cabinet).

So, a good time was had by some.

I Had a Dream

Yeah, the one where I have a spare room and/or studio apartment attached to mine that I forget I have until someone comes over (in the dream) and reminds me, "Hey, how come you never use this other apartment you have?" This one had a built-in double sushi bar arrangement in the foyer (and a sunken living room). Which is why, I explained, I never use it.

Weird Wedding Photos Part MCLMXX

Mustache Match #1

Here's a new game we created here at Two Can Anne called Mustache Match. Doodle and I find it fun and challenging! See if you can match the attorney mustache (A, B, C, or D) with the city in which he practices law. Ready? Ok, great! I'll post the answers in the comments tomorrow. Good luck!


(A)
















(B)









(C)










(D)









Cities: Buffalo, Philadelphia, Houston, Boise

Get a Life Before You Die, People

What I'm reading right now: Chasing Daylight, by Eugene O'Kelly.

Why?

1. Because it was part of a gift bag I received at a college reception I attended last week
2. It's a quick read
3. I'm obsessed with death, basically

Eugene O'Kelly, former CEO of KPMG, was told in 2005 that he had less than 100 days to live. In that time, he wrote a book about embracing these last 100 days. It's facsinating and depressing, sure, but also enlightening (in the same way that Tuesdays with Morrie was) and I think that was his intent. Bascially, he's saying: Be in the moment as much as you can. Stop thinking about the future or missing the past. If you want something, go get it. Turn off the t.v. No, you can't stop and smell the roses everyday, but every other day or a few times a week would be good. Take it from a dude who is sorry he only had lunch with his wife 2x in ten years: Get a life, people.

I promise I will if you will.

Wave to China Before It Caves In on Itself

photo by metro.co.uk

And takes us all down with it. When is China done developing? When it's entirely paved over, rivers and streams included. No matter, they're full of three-eyed fish anyway. Here's a picture of Mr and Mrs. Wuping's house. The Wuping place is an island at this point, as he and his wife are refusing the developer's financial offer to move. Way to go, Wupings! Stay strong!

I Always Push 4

Whenever the automated answering system says Push 1 for blah blah blah, Push 2 for blah blah blah, Push 3 for blah blah blah, or Push 4 if you don't know what the hell you're calling about or didn't hear it on the options...

I always push 4.

This Guy Looks Very Smart

Some people just have an air about them. A smart air. A smair. Turns out this dude is smart. His name is Alfred Holbrook (1816-1909), I call him Al. He was the President of the National Normal University* in Lebanon, Ohio from its founding in 1855 until 1897.


Don't confuse Al Holbrook with actor Hal Holbrook, who is married to Dixie Carter. Of Designing Women fame.

*National Normal University? They don't take my kind.