My old friend Tom* was once an undercover Health Inspector for the City of New York, and his beat was the underground bath house scene in the early nineties. My best girlfriend Shari and I used to go over to his and Matt's** apartment in Hell's Kitchen on Easter every year. We'd tease their cat, and drunk on ham and champagne, smoke some bowls, and demand Tom to tell us some stories from on the job in that world. He is a tall, quite thin and preppy person, and to picture him wearing cut off denim shorts and no shirt as his undercover uniform for entrance to these underground places, well, it's a hilarious image to begin with. He said the places were really dirty and dark and shady, with club music bumpin' and long corridors flanked by rooms with doors that shut but didn't lock (not permitted). I guess the laws on the books at that time were such that anything but human to human penetration was legal. Vague? During one routine inspection at a particular bath house one early morning, Tom opened a door to find someone consenting to a lightbulb, big end first, up his bunger. The End.
Epilogue:
Tom and Matt got married, moved to the suburbs of New Jersey, got a dog, and now they're dead to me. Not really, but you know what I mean. Ok, really. It was one thing when my straight friends got married and abandoned me for the suburbs, because at least I still had my gay friends. But now that the gays can marry, well, Gay Rights Whatevs: I went from Fag Hag to Hag with the snap of the fingers. It's bullshit, man. Total bullshit.
Unprofessional Anne-alysis:
I think if people feel they need to hide their sexuality from the world because it's not accepted or worse, it's against the law, then the pre-disposition exists to develop dangerous or deviant sexual behavior like sticking lightbulbs up bungers fat-end first. I truly believe that people should be able to do whatever they'd like to themselves as long as they're not hurting me, but that's a surefire way to shatter your asshole. And you're only playing Bunger Daredevil because of some serious self hatred that society or your momma taught you. Talk to this guy. Drunk, bound, and wearing a ball-gag in his mouth? Fun times, but a surefire way to shatter your career.
Epilogue:
Tom and Matt got married, moved to the suburbs of New Jersey, got a dog, and now they're dead to me. Not really, but you know what I mean. Ok, really. It was one thing when my straight friends got married and abandoned me for the suburbs, because at least I still had my gay friends. But now that the gays can marry, well, Gay Rights Whatevs: I went from Fag Hag to Hag with the snap of the fingers. It's bullshit, man. Total bullshit.
Unprofessional Anne-alysis:
I think if people feel they need to hide their sexuality from the world because it's not accepted or worse, it's against the law, then the pre-disposition exists to develop dangerous or deviant sexual behavior like sticking lightbulbs up bungers fat-end first. I truly believe that people should be able to do whatever they'd like to themselves as long as they're not hurting me, but that's a surefire way to shatter your asshole. And you're only playing Bunger Daredevil because of some serious self hatred that society or your momma taught you. Talk to this guy. Drunk, bound, and wearing a ball-gag in his mouth? Fun times, but a surefire way to shatter your career.
*Not his real name. His real name is Bert
**Not his real name. His real name is Ernie
2 comments:
but that's a surefire way to shatter your asshole...
LOVE it--almost choked on my seltzer!!
stay away from the cheese or you'll shatter yours, bumpkyn!
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