Walk It Out on New Year's Eve 2007

Scenes From a Restaurant

Michael's Restaurant

Pine Avenue, Niagara Falls

New York ~ 12/27/07

99 Bottles of Beer on the Tree, 99 Bottles of Beer ...

Now here's a "green" tree for you! Not for kids.

For more examples of unusual Christmas trees, click here.

Liberty

Mole & Thomas
Human Statue of Liberty , c. 1918
Vintage Silver Gelatin Print

Read more about this photograph here.

See others like it here.

Amazing.

Cures What Ails Ya

A friend of mine just told me a story about his old old Grand Dad. He said when his old Grand Dad was sick, he'd make the family run out and get him some Old Grand-Dad. True story.

Jamie Lynn Spears

A look at Jamie-Lynn's website, here gives you the following options: News and Galleries, Bio, Diary, Zoey 101, and Cool Stuff. Under which tab will I find information on bare-back, legs in the air, dirty night out humping, y'all?

When does Gramama Lynn Spears' book on parenting come out? That'll make for gooooood kindlin', y'all.

Merry Christmas from Doodle

12/21/07

Tila Tequila Chose the "Dude" Over the "Broad"

Of course, even though I'm at death's delightful door, I simply had to watch the Season Finale of A Shot at Love With Tila Tequila on MTV late last night.

Instead of Dani, the likeable dykable lesbian, Tila chose Bobby, the slightly effeminate, semi-lame-o straight fella.

Oh, wella.

I was rooting for Dani, and I know she was hurt, but Dani? You dodged a skanky bullet there. For realsies. Unlike Tila's boobies.

Name That Gathering

Newsflash: Smelly Skank is Stupid, So Is Boyfriend

"It was a shock for both of us, so unexpected," she said. "I was in complete and total shock and so was he."
-Jamie Lynn Spears

Comin' On Down to Comix Tonight, Folks?

I'll be doing a little ten minute ditty featuring the lamest mix tape a dude ever made for me. Ok, so it might be the only mix tape a dude ever made for me and it's actually a mix CD but you know what I mean, you a-holes.



YOU'RE TALKING TO A 2007 DRYSDALE AWARD WINNER, OK? ? ?



One who happens to have had a bad reaction to a perfectly well-intentioned grilled cheese on whole wheat that she had for lunch and really needs to use the john in private but the cleaning ladies are buzzing around the hallway and well...apparently the guys must have put a little extra doo-doo on that grilled cheese and I'm paying the price.


Now I'm getting all pissed again. Awwww, the old me. Remember me?

tonite

8:00 PM

@
Ochi's Lounge

Downstairs at Comix - 353 West 14th Street
New York, New York 10014

Chicks and Giggles

Our Holidaze! Show

featuring

Anne Altman (Mortified)
Katina Corrao (HBO)
Emily Epstein (Laugh Lounge)
Kimmy Gatewood (The Apple Sisters at The PIT)
Jenny Rubin (MAX)
Carla Rhodes (The Cutting Room)

Hosted by Carolyn Castiglia (VH1)

chicksandgiggles.com

So Sorry

Kids,

You know I love you. Which is why I have to burden you with the fact that the reason I've been so remiss on interesting posts of late is that this:

is the color of the snot that has been choking me for over a week.

That's right, I'm ill. This time physically. And there's good news and bad news.

The good news is that my voice is slowly returning to the normal high-pitched and nasal sound which forces telemarketers to ask, "Is your Mommy home?" A much needed respite from the Selma from Night Court shiznit I've been rocking all week.

The bad news is that once I'm feeling 100%, my blog will continue to rely heavily on quantity (versus quality) and continue to disappoint.

Happy Pre-Holiday Horseshit, everyone!

Weird Wedding Photos Part MVLMMVMCMV

For the bride who really wants to hit that Christmas-Themed Wedding home so hard that you feel it in your fuckin' hollyberries.

WE GET IT, MRS. CLAUS.

Weird Wedding Photos Part MCVLLVMMVMV

Bubble, bubble, toil and stubble...

How About a Devil Atop Your Xmas Tree This Year?

Eeeeewwwwwww.

Want to See More Me?

Catch me being silly on

Tuesday, December 18, 2007
8:00 PM

@
Ochi's Lounge

Downstairs at Comix - 353 West 14th Street
New York, New York 10014

Chicks and Giggles

Our Holidaze! Show

featuring

Anne Altman (Mortified)
Katina Corrao (HBO)
Emily Epstein (Laugh Lounge)
Kimmy Gatewood (The Apple Sisters at The PIT)
Jenny Rubin (MAX)
Carla Rhodes (The Cutting Room)

Hosted by Carolyn Castiglia (VH1)

chicksandgiggles.com

What a Great Gift Idea

Drive someone insane with a crazy postcard from abroad!

Compliments of Sans Pantaloons!

Shorpy.com

"Great Falls, Montana. Return after 3 wks Vacation. June 27, 1964." 35 mm

a 1960 Chevrolet Parkwood
From Shorpy.com

What Type of Christmas Tree Topper Type of Family Are You?

1. Star
2. Angel

I come from a star family. I judge angel families as being trashy. Sorry if you come from an angel family and you are offended by my opinion, but it is the truth. Stars are the only way to go. Stars exist.

Thanks.

Real or Fake: What Kind of Christmas Tree Family Are You?

I witnessed a conversation between some newlywed friends of mine who were discussing the fake tree they ordered in the mail for their first Christmas together as a married couple. "Oh, you're a fake tree type of people?" I asked. I come from a real tree family. (Real tree or no tree, in my opinion. Unless it's small and super over the top tacky and fake like the aluminum ones they look at before settling on the lil' sad sack real tree on A Charlie Brown Christmas. Fake trees trying to look real are terrible. I hate fake plants. But I digress...)

"No, just this time, with the tiny New York City apartment. We'll be a real tree family," said the wife.

"What?" interjected the husband. "What about my parents' massive fake tree? You love that tree!"

"But we always had a real tree growing up," said the wife.

"Wow. I never realized it but we haven't discussed what type of family we're going to be. Real or fake?" asked the husband.

Apparently, after some discussion, they decided on becoming a real tree family.

Fantastic.

Happy Friday, Meowwwwwwwwww!

These Are Good

Dear Twats at the Nail Salon Yesterday

Thanks for ruining my salon experience with your selfish, entitled, idiotic drivel on your cellphones. I will not shed a tear--and I'm being sincere--if you get these tumors in your heads. Good luck and fuck off.

Love,

Anne

Holiday Mortification is Cathartic: Believe It

Come see me in:

Mortified

Thursday, December 13, 2007 ~8 p.m.

Mortified is a comic excavation of teen angst artifacts (journals, letters, poems, lyrics, home movies, stories, and more) as shared by their original authors before total strangers.

Hailed a "cultural phenomenon" by Newsweek and celebrated by the likes of This American Life, The Today Show, The Onion AV Club, Esquire, Entertainment Weekly, Daily Candy, and more, Mortified is a comic excavation of teen angst artifacts (journals, letters, poems, lyrics, home movies, stories, and more) as shared by their original authors before total strangers. As the largest and longest-running project of its kind, our grassroots comedy collective has spent years sifting through hundreds of otherwise forgotten notebooks on a mission to celebrate the extraordinary lives of ordinary people. Mortified is co-produced in New York by Anne Altman & Brandy Barber.

Yo, loggygaggers! Be warned: SHOW SELLS OUT!
Presale tickets: $10 (Day of show $12) Buy tickets here!

www.getmortified.com

@

The Tank

279 Church Street

New York, NY 10013

(Btn Franklin and White)

Share the Holiday Spirit by Donating Food to the Hungry

I don't mean hungry like your husband who is always finishing what's on your plate hungry, I'm talking about the real hungry. The countless companies I've worked for over the years have tossed countless pounds of food away after those gluttonous holiday parties. If your New York City office is having a party with buffet-style serving stations, check out City Harvest --they will pick up any unused food (40lbs or more)-without liability on the donor's part--and get it to those in need instead of it winding up in a dumpster. Call 917-351-8700 for more information.

Anne's Fashion Tips: Colors Which Don't Go Together, Yo

• Brown and Yellow


• Grey and Brown


• Pink and Red

I was inspired to post this because I saw a picutre of a broad online recently (it may have been Kanye West's late mother) with a brown and yellow suit on, which--as if I need to spell it out-- conjures up nothing but Poop and Pee. Grey and brown is tempting, I realize, because to most men (and most men are colorblind) it's close enough, but, no, it's not. Not even close to close enough (brown is warm, grey is cool, get over it).

Finally, pink and red, well, there's nothing more than I ever wanted to do as my six year old self but bound out of the house for gymnastics class in pink tights and a red leotard-- to my mother's chargrin, I might add. Something about it the combination I loved and still love, but I realize it's wrong. Perhaps what I love about it is that it's wrong. At least it conjures up visions of cotton candy and candied apples instead of the aforementioned.

As you were.

Doodle is High

Doodle, NYC, 12/07

Remember Thanksgiving 2007?

Behold the deep-fat frying of a turkey. No houses were burned down in the making of this meal (though the fryer was a little close to the car). The yellow stuff is butter, the sight of which may cause high cholesterol, so consider yourself warned.)

Thanksgiving 2007 ~ Boonton, New Jersey

Leaf It to Leafer

Thanksgiving 2007 ~ Boonton, NJ

We'll Be 'Avin' a Laff on December 16

For the series finale of Extras on HBO. Great New York Magazine article on Ricky here.

All good things come to an end. Boo!

Hats Off to Cha Cha and Her Crabby Hour

Tal Ronen, DeeAnne Gorman and Kevin Heald~12/7/07

DeeAnne entertained us with some holiday jazz accompanied by the smooth bass of Tal Ronen while Kevin and Cha Cha --of Cha Cha's House of Ill Repute--served up some holiday cheer--cocktails Partridge in a Pear Tree and Rudolph's Revenge in the beautiful setting of Cha Cha's Millinery. Enjoy our time vicariously through my photos below (click to enlarge the yuletide).

Get thyself to one of Cha Cha's infamous Crabby Hours and pick out a beautiful Cha Cha original! Check out DeeAnne's website to catch the sexy songstress around town!

Have I Told You Lately How Much I Love Mario Lanza?

Philadelphia-born and devastatingly handsome tenor Mario Lanza had a whirlwind ten-year career in Hollywood movies, radio, and the stage before his tragic death in Italy at age 38 of a pulmonary embolism--perhaps from complications from the "slimming cure" he was taking at a clinic. The "slimming cure" consisted of a patient being induced to sleep for days and days at a time, therefore not eating. Poor Mario--skyrocketing to fame as fast as he did is never an easy transition for anyone, and he abused food and booze to cope. He sang better when he was heavy, but Hollywood expected him to be thin, and that was a disastrous combination. Mario's amazing voice lives on in recordings which are immensely popular still. Bravo, Mario, may you be resting in peace.

Bad Breath is Rough For Everyone

And apparently can cost you your job! In my opinion, there's no cure for halitosis, save for eliminating the public's ability to smell. Mints just make a victim's breath smell like peppermint poo poo.

Yesterday, a dude from the mailroom-- who simply asked me where another colleagues office was-- unfortunately burned my eyebrows off with his breath. Time to pencil those suckers in for awhile, I guess. Now I can look crazy surprised, mad, or confused with no effort at all and no wear n' tear on the ol' forehead.

Just One Reason Why Greenberg is a Maniac: In 3 Parts

Enter one size 11.5 dirty Bass Weejun that Greenberg wears everyday and refuses to shine.




















Hole-y shit! Is that an enormous hole? Is that green chewing gum? Is that gross? And possibly terribly cold/wet when it hits the winter pavement?























According to Greenberg:

1 Avery #5260 label = Shoe is fixed.