Just Another Friday Birthday Liquid Lunch Down on Wall Street

9-6 may be a drag, but depending on where you work, it can have its privileges. Today we celebrated a few birthdays at a certain little ho-in-the wall spot downtown where a certain little...lady will stick paper matches to her nipples and light them on fire while she serenades you with Happy Birthday and you blow out the..."candles." Then she jumps up and down with a "Yaaaaay!!!!!!" while her cans* bounce all around. Some would say the "Yaaaaay!" is the best part. I would.

*fake but entertaining all the more

The affixing and lighting of the matches.

Lit.

Happy Birthday to You....

And blow 'em out, yo. Hurry!

"Yaaaaaaaaaay!"

Skip Lickdale and Sparkle Montgomery Celebrate Mardi Gras

Shawn Hollenbach and Katina Corrao

Who's everyone's favorite married couple who's never kissed from Bird-in-Hand Pennsylvania? Well, that'd be, Skip 'n Sparkle of course! Here are a few snaps I took from their delightful Mardi Gras show on Tuesday night at Ochi's Lounge which featured Rachel Gelfenbein, Andrew Singer, Kicker and Turner, Margot Leitman, and Danny Leary.



Kicker and Turner in the middle of jazz hands mania.

Danny Leary

Robin Gelfenbein

Andrew Singer

Skip n' Sparkle waltzing with Andrew Singer

Margot Leitman (artsy, no?)


Skip n' Sparkle admiring Kicker n' Turner's finale.

I didn't even have to show my cans and they gave me 8 strings of beads. Doodle enjoyed them.

Skip n' Sparkle Show, Ochi's @ Comix, February 24, 2009

My Type: Russell Sams as Dick in Rules of Attraction

Dick's' behavior don't really make these vids safe for work.





I find him endearing.

Rules of Attraction, 2002. 

What a Conference Call Feels Like

I Can Has Cookie?

I can't?

Oh, well. Too late.

Albert Brooks: Modern Romance

Albert Brooks is brilliant, and his 1981 movie, Modern Romance, is a hilarious sleeper. Check it.

Netflix says: "Writer-director Albert Brooks offers his take on "modern" romance (circa 1981), following the efforts of hopeless neurotic Robert Cole (Brooks) to find -- and keep -- a woman's love. Alternately wooed and discarded by Cole, who can't make up his mind, bank executive Mary Harvard (Kathryn Harrold) may be the most patient girlfriend in the world … which could make her his perfect match. George Kennedy and James L. Brooks turn up in cameo roles."

Happy Ash Wednesday

Doodle celebrated Mardi Gras last night by gettin' all jazzed up in her beads and relaxing on the sofa with her copy of this month's Feline Health Magazine. Dork.

Doodle ~ NYC~ 2/24/09

Today is Ash Wednesday. In honor of Ash Wednesday and Two Can Anne Tradition, let's do what we do ever year, and that's a re-post of my 2006 piece, Ash Wednesday: Awkward at the Office. Enjoy.

You Too Can Learn Disco, the Disco Dancing

Learn Disco. Disco Dancing. 

At one minute, listen for his instruction: "Icks? Cocks. Icks? Cocks. Icks? Cocks. Icks? Cocks." Just flip your arms and foot up at the same time you say it. Disco is easy.

Slumdog Dessert Tray: Blicky Blicky Doo Doo

Slumdog Millionaire's success has made India all the rage these days. But can we talk about their desserts? I respect and enjoy cultures foreign to my own as much as the next guy, which is like practically nobody so that makes me totally open-minded, yo, and I'm a big fan of Indian food. I try stuff. But if these are the delicacies, well, I dunno. The orange thing on the bottom looks like something wormy and tragic that came out of Doodle after she messed with some leftover Buffalo wings after a tragic Bills loss. I think I'd rather take my calories by suckin' on a Taj Mahal after my samosa if it's alright with all y'all. I photographed the following on a recent walk through Manhattan's Curry Hill:

"Dessert."

What?

Badam Barfi?

Green Barfi?

Curry Hill, Lexington Avenue near 29th Street, 1/09

Retro Bang: A New Series

Retro Bang is a creepy new series where I post about celebrities I'd bang despite the fact that they're either dead, wicked old, or fictitious. 

Brian Keith with Jan Sterling

For Retro Bang's Premiere, I'm proud to present the one and only, Bayonne, New Jersey-born, Brian Keith! You may recognize him from the original 1961 version of The Parent Trap, or from re-runs of A Family Affair (where Buffy's favorite doll was an old lady called Mrs. Beasley!), and you fell in love with him as the level-headed patron stranger hottie who teaches a vendetta-bound Steve McQueen how to use a gun to in Nevada Smith. Or was that me?

While Googling his image, I was fascinated by Brian Keith's legendary career and tragic details of his life which include the suicide of his stepmother (a struggling actress who infamously jumped from the H in the Hollywood sign), his daughter Daisy, and finally himself. He's gone, but bangable all the same.

Brian Keith

1921-1997

She's All Ears

Doodle, NYC ~ 2/24/09 ~ 7:45 a.m.

Just Another Saturday Night

White wine spritzer.

Stillwater Bar, East 4th Street, NYC. 2/21/09 ~ 6: 30 pm

The Bowery Electric, Bowery @ 2nd Street, NYC ~ 8 pm for the first eve, combination Drink at Work + Shark Show Combo for the New Economy: The Shark at Work Show.

Sean Crespo, Ari Voukydis, Nick Stevens and Carol Hartsell (in the booth)

Jessi Klein

Paul "Fitzy" Fitgerald (Nick Stevens) and Ari Voukydis

Pete Holmes

The Urge, 33 2nd Avenue, NYC ~ 11 p.m.

Cocktails and cocktail ~ Midnight

1 a.m.

Sure, I lost my scarf at the Bowery Electric, and a two-ton bathroom door at the Urge ate my middle finger and it appears--on my right hand anyway-- as if I moonlight as a blind carpenter.

But what happened here?

Uptown 6 Train at Astor Place, NYC, 2/22/09, 1:45 am

Sometimes You Want Your Cat on Your Lap

...and sometimes you want her off your jock for awhile.

Doodle watching me watch David Cross's The Pride is Back, HBO on Demand ~ NYC ~ 2/20/09

Two Can Anne Poll: Are You Employed?

Yes
24 (72%)

No
9 (27%)



I'm not a math person, but recalling the grades I got in Algebra, Geometry, and Chemistry --report cards which I doctored with surprising success using a basic pencil eraser and exceptional art skills--a 72% is an unacceptable, shitty grounds-for-grounding C freakin' minus.  

A 21st Century Night on the Bowery

I lost my favorite scarf at that one bar 

I smashed my FU finger

in the bathroom door at that other place

The nail is black and blue

But at least

I didn't break my face

Smoking a cigarette

on the sidewalk

Anyway, you're beautiful

And I love you

Even with those bandages on your grill

You're feelin' yummy head to toe

Happy Birthday, Dave

It's Snuggiepuss

by our beloved patron of the arts across the pond, sans pantaloons. 

Eastbound and Down on HBO: You're F'in Out, It's F'in In

I on-demanded the premiere of Eastbound and Down on HBO last night and thought it was so funny, I'm still howling this morning. There was so much giggling, I actually had to use the pause feature on my remote. Anyone familiar with ye olde pause buttone? Anyway, check it. You're welcome. 

"That jet ski is not a fucking toy!"

Asian Nannerpussu

I'm a banananananananananana.

Friday Night at Two Can Anne Headquarters

Thoughts going through my mind as I, in my Snuggie, watch a pile of crap movie called Serendipity starring John Cusack and some annoying British broad while I also flip through Women's Health magazine and sip from a 16 oz can of Miller Light?

None. Not a one. 

Lunch is...

Remember Indian Fridays, R.I.P. because of the roach in the naan? Indian Fridays just became Mexican Fridays! At a place called the Little Place.

• 
  
  Special of the Day: Shrimp Fajita thingie


• 
  
  Corona Light with lime


• 
  
  Tortilla chips/guacamole/salsa


• 
  
  Glass of water (mmm!)

McSorley's on a Thursday: Three Thousand Can Anne

McSorley's Old Ale House

15 East 7th Street ~ NYC ~ 2/19/09

Valentine's Day Supper at Itzocan

Itzocan Cafe, 9th Street between 1st and A.



Unhappy married couple struggling through Valentine's Day.


A zoom in reveals the happy accident I discovered, shall we?
This woman's Mayan twin.
Bringin' people together, I am.

2/14/09 - NYC

Smith Magazine's Next-Door Neighbor Stories

Sweet Dreams by Anne Altman

I moved to NYC in the early 90's and shared a two-bedroom apartment with a whiny roommate who ate only Hamburger Helper. Because she was so annoying, my boyfriend and I usually stayed at his luxury co-op on the Upper West Side. When my lease was up, I ditched the roomie for my very own place in Gramercy Park.

The upside was that I'd be living alone, and the rent was reasonable. The downside was that it was a railroad style on the first floor with scant natural light and a shower in the kitchen. But it was cozy, and I was proud.

The bedroom was so narrow it required a trundle-style twin bed that flipped out into a double to accommodate guests. One hot summer night, I invited my boyfriend to spend the night for the first time.

"But you don't have A/C," he said.

"I know, but I have a fan. And a window to put it in! Please? Come on! It'll be fun!"

He relented. When it was time to turn in, I switched on the small box fan in the alley-facing window at the foot of the bed to alleviate the heat.

As we drifted off, sweating atop the covers, a couple in another apartment--possibly in the building next door--started fighting. They obviously relied on their open window to cool off, because they were so loud they may as well have been in the trundle bed with us.

"Nice," my boyfriend said to me in the pitch dark.

"It's fine. It'll die down. It's okay," I replied, trying to convince him—and myself—
that slumming it for a night at my place wasn't a terrible idea.

"Fuck YOU!" screamed the woman.

"No, fuck YOU!" screamed the man.

"FUCK YOU!" they screamed in unison.

And so it went, for what seemed like hours, as we lay there listening and wondering whether or not to call 911.

"YOU JUST HAVE TO ANSWER ME ONE MORE QUESTION!" the woman shrieked.

"WHAT!?!?!" shouted the man.

"WHERE… DID YOU PUT… MY FATHER!?!?!?"

Braced for his reply, we didn't hear an answer, just an eerie and deafening silence.

My boyfriend never stayed at my apartment again.


The End

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