I Thought the Cocaine Was Gum

John and his Cow ~ Park Slope, Brooklyn ~ August 27, 2010

Tomorrow is a big day for this Mommy, because it's Baby John's first day of daycare! Or "skool" as I like to call it. Let's hope they teach him lots of important things, like his A-B-Cs, 1, 2, 3s, and the difference between cocaine and gum. It could be a very costly mistake for him down the line. (Pun intended). Kidding! We're not letting him anywhere near gum.

Anyhow, even though John's not going to be in skool for the entire day on his first day, I'm warning you and everyone right now: I'm going to cry. I think. If I don't cry, then okay, fine, but if I do cry, you can't say I didn't warn you. I don't think John will get upset; he likes new people and new experiences for the most part, and he seems to roll with the punches. JD says that he didn't cry when his Mom dropped him off on his first day of school; he cried when she picked him up! Similarly, I think John will embrace it and be completely fine without us for a few hours.

On the other hand, how well I'll be holding up is another story. Do they have daycare providers for mothers who can't handle being away from their babies? Yes, and they're called psychiatrists. OMG am I tearing up already? I need to get it together!

Man, I Could Really Go for a Tasteless Chill Tonic Right Now

Grove's Tasteless Chill Tonic ~ invented by Edwin Wiley Grove

Step Right Up!

www.marriedtothesea.com

Oh, Phuket!

"Photo courtesy of Nancy Wiegand. Sign found in Phuket, Thailand."

www.engrish.com

400 Years Later Some Things Never Change

"Infant in a baby chair, Netherlands, 17th century." nypl.org

" John in a Bumbo Seat, NYC~ 8/24/2010 ~ 21st century"

Don't Broil Your Babies!

DON'T BROIL YOUR BABIES!

"But use Mr. Punch's patent nursemaid's bonnet-screen. Warranted to keep children from the sun in any climate."

(Simultaneously will keep your nursemaid from getting laid.)

When in Doubt, Throw it Out

I have nightmares about being swallowed alive. Not by a sink hole, or Godzilla, but by my stuff. Despite the fact (or maybe because) we New Yorkers live in smaller spaces and are forced to pare down our possessions to a degree. I did a big toss-out with a bunch of friends before John arrived, but once he got here, so did more things. He has clothing, blankets, diapers, a Diaper Genie, a Pack 'n' Play, an exersaucer, a jumper, another kind of bouncy exerciser thing, a Kick 'n' Play chair, a swing, a playmat gym, a car seat, a Bumbo seat, a clip-on high chair, and a stroller. The other night I had one of my recurring dreams that I discovered a tucked away space in my apartment, another room I had managed never to notice before, in which I could conveniently store some of these items. Like I said, it was a dream.

Anyhow, you know you have too much crap if your wife dies underneath a pile of junk, her decomposing body going unnoticed for four months, and you think she ran away. But maybe at that point it's too late to know you had much crap. Either way, now you know, I guess.

Feng shui philsophy says a good place to start is with 9 things a day. You don't have to go big or go home; if you have a dozen empty beer cans in your bed, just throw away nine. It'll get easier from there. So I'll toss 9 things tonight if you do...

My Kind of Town, (Chicago Is) - Frank Sinatra Live in London 1971

I'm posting this video because Greenberg is leaving NYC and moving to Chicago in a few weeks. Since he shared the news, I've made sure make sure to tell him every single day that he's making the "biggest mistake of his life." Not because he won't thrive there, but because I'll miss him. Chicago is a great town. It's just that it's not that close to a coast, you know? You're landlocked. No ocean horizon to gaze upon or beach in which to do cartwheels. And that could be weird full-time. I mean, what if there's some sort of catastrophe and you need to escape into open waters? I don't know. Other than that, I think it's a great town.

Anyhow, I'm also posting this because it's strange. Frank's hair, in particular, is strange. Talk about a terrible toupee. Didn't this guy have a friends and family? Of course he did, he was a popular dude. The Friends and Family Program is supposed to be honest with you when you wear or do stupid shit, and this hairpiece is ridiculous! Is it a case of the Emperor's New Clothes? Perhaps. In 1971, Sinatra still remembered the words to the songs, hit the notes, and was still nailing broads ad nauseam. At this time, I think he was smooching a very young Mia Farrow, if I remember correctly. You can tell he's still "got it" with his cheeky performance. Did she pretend not to notice the ferocious wig? Even though they were rocking an almost identical Rosemary's Baby 'do? Apparently.

Tuna Salad Recipe of the Day

While Baby John munches on his bottles of formula and ventures into the lands of barley cereal, green beans, sweet potatoes and hard boiled egg yolks, his folks need something more substantial to eat. This tuna salad recipe is high in flavor, Mommy-friendly (ie: quick and easy), and relatively low budget/ calorie. Mega summery and tasty. Enjoy! Note: Must love radishes.

Tuna Salad With Celery and Radishes from Real Simple Magazine. Photo by Jens Mortensen.


Ingredients:

2 5-ounce cans tuna in water, drained
8 small radishes, cut into thin wedges
2 stalks celery, sliced
1/4 cup chopped fresh flat-leaf parsley
2 tablespoons fresh lemon juice
1 tablespoon olive oil
kosher salt and black pepper
crackers, for serving

Directions:

In a bowl, combine tuna, radishes, celery, parsley, lemon juice, olive oil, and kosher salt and black pepper. Refrigerate in a container for up to 1 day. Serve with crackers.

Nutritional Information
Per Serving
Calories 399
Fat 18g
Sat Fat 3g
Cholesterol 44mg

Where Have I Been?

MOMMYWOOD.

Green Bean Town. Mommywood, USA

John, NYC ~ August 23, 2010

Don' Do Dat

This afternoon, I found a piece of Christmas candy and ate it. That's right, folks---I ingested a piece of chocolate older than my son. I may die.

August is Dwindling--Got Plans?

Sunset Magazine circa 1890's

"The West's Great National Magazine"

Mad Men Recaps by Michelle Collins

It's Mad Men Season, which means that Sundays are less depressing for me because I've got the new episode to look forward to every week (that is, if I manage to keep my eyes open long enough to make it to 10 o'clock. New Anne, new hours, thanks to Baby John.) Then I can't wait to read Michelle Collins' recap of Mad Men. She's tall, gorgeous, and friendly and that doesn't happen very often. The only other tall, gorgeous and friendly broad I suspect could be Heidi Klum, but I don't know her. Anyhow, Michelle has a very funny brain and Heidi only has a very funny accent. Big fan of that Michelle, I am.

Now I've turned into Yoda (short, ugly, and friendly).

Without further ado about Yoda and such, if you're caught up on last week's episode, you may now please enjoy:

Finally, The Episode Where We Get to See Don Draper Naked by Michelle Collins for Vh1's Best Week Ever.

Hmmm

John, VT ~ August 14, 2010





http://www.cialis.com/

Hoarder Decision Process

http://www.marriedtothesea.com/

The Ambien Walrus Says

www.toothpastefordinner.com

ATO Ho!

Fraternity Brothers, written by Yannis Pappas
"Three fraternity brothers reunite after ten years. A Ditch Film written by Yannis Pappas directed by Jesse Scaturro starring Louie Katz Ali Wong Rory Scovel & Yannis Pappas"

We're Back in the Adorable Picture Business Again

John, NYC ~ August 11, 2010

Sitting in his Bumbo Chair and gnawing on Sophie the Giraffe

I'd Post an Adorable Picture Here But

My camera (a Canon PowerShot SD880 IS Digital Elph) crapped out again. Well, let me explain. First it was awesome, then flash started popping and smoking just like one of those old square flashbulbs that you'd put on your Dad's Polaroid camera. Then it was too late to return it, so I just took photos without flash unless absolutely necessary and then with good warning to all involved. Then the camera crapped out a few weeks ago. Now, when I say "crapped out," it still takes photos, but I can't get them off the camera without removing the disk and putting it directly into a printer (or new camera) because of a "communication error." Who doesn't communicate with errors from time to time, eh? Then suddenly a week later or so it started downloading pictures and uncrapped itself. But last night it crapped itself again and still today I get a "communication error" message when I try to download photos. On the upside, the flash still smokes, which makes using the camera sort of fun still and dangerous.

New camera: Still on the list of things that I'm sure once I own will make me deliriously happy and satisfied in life.

In the meantime, I will continue to take pictures with El Smoking Cam Cam that may or may not be seen by the public. Stay tuned.

UPDATE:

"Communication error" problem fixed! I did some research on the internets and found some advice someone had given another someone about the same problem, stating that storing over 1,000 photos on a memory card will prevent the photos from being uploaded via the camera onto a computer. So I deleted about 500 old pictures and you know what? We're back in business! (The flash still smokes. No idea what to do about that other avoiding taking flash pictures to close to the subject or spraying your hairdo with AquaNet at the same time)

For the Very First Time

Doodle and John, NYC ~ March 2010

Doodle came up to me and John on the sofa yesterday meowing for a little TLC, and John reached out to pet her. She wasn't alarmed, she just walked around in a few circles as she's prone to do, and his hand touched her back. As she moved, his hand smoothed over the length of her back and he ended up with a meathook full of fur. She could stand to be brushed, it's hot here these days. I think they'll be fast friends. Until, that is, he pulls her tail, which is bound to happen. I'll keep her nails clipped in the meantime.

By the way, it was Doodle's birthday on August 7, which after ten years I had actually forgotten until my mother reminded me. With the baby and all, there was no time for remembering, let alone a Birthday BLOWGANZA like we've had in years past. Coincidentally, when she sent the text, I had just left the pet store with a new catnip toy, some cat grass, and Doodle's favorite food. Though I was shopping to prepare Doodle for another weekend alone in the house, I must have known subconsciously.

Turning 11 means that she is 64 years old in "people years."

Happy Eleventh (64th) Birthday, Doodle! I love you!

When I'm 64

Songwriters: Mccartney, Paul;Lennon, John

When I get older, losing my hair, many years from now

Will you still be sending me a valentine, birthday greetings, bottle of wine?

If I'd been out 'til quarter to three, would you lock the door?

Will you still need me, will you still feed me when I'm sixty-four?

You'll be older too

Ah, and if you say the word, I could stay with you

I could be handy, mending a fuse when your lights have gone

You can knit a sweater by the fireside, Sunday mornings, go for a ride

Doing the garden, digging the weeds, who could ask for more?

Will you still need me, will you still feed me when I'm sixty-four?

Every summer we can rent a cottage

In the Isle of Wight if it's not too dear

We shall scrimp and save

Ah, grandchildren on your knee, Vera, Chuck and Dave

Send me a postcard, drop me a line stating point of view

Indicate precisely what you mean to say, yours sincerely wasting away

Give me your answer, fill in a form, mine forever more

Will you still need me, will you still feed me when I'm sixty-four?

*another coincidence: this is the song my mother sings to John

Baby Spoon: More Impressive Than the Sweet Potatoes

John, Long Island ~ August 8, 2010

-----

We tried giving John is first official taste of solid food over the weekend with a little sweet potato and Enfamil mash. In my opinion, it tasted metallic and terrible, but that's because of the formula, which tastes metallic and terrible, yet baby can't seem to get enough of the stuff. At least he enjoyed the spoon, which he promptly pushed into the back of his throat to choke himself. Learning is fun!

Life's Tough: Remedies for the Whole Family

For Daddy:





For Mommy:

For Baby:

(Contains morphine. 1 grain (65 mg) morphine per fluid ounce, to be exact)

It should be a good weekend!

A Woman's Work is Never ___________

Hello!

Sorry I've been MIA of late, guess I've been busy being a mother, a working mother. I could say there's no glory in motherhood (they wouldn't even light up the Empire State Building for Mother Theresa for cryin' out loud!) but ask me again whenever John smiles or laughs at me, and I'll retract that statement.

My little sweetie pie is growing fast and doing all kinds of new things like laughing, drooling, grabbing faces, glasses, and necklaces and rolling over on his sides. And he's got two bottom teeth poking out. Pretty soon he'll molt from a mole person into a mobile person. That's going to be a hoot.

Speaking of hoots, Auntie Jenn made this sunburst bib for John. Doesn't it manage to look delightful despite the dollop of puke on the front?

PS Doodle's been good. She won't use her new litter box (but hasn't used the bed), hates her new food (my bad, this working mother tried to save time by ordering a similar thing online, negativo resultivos), she ran away (again), she caught another mouse (again), and she killed it in the bathroom. Again. So, Mouseville took another hit and things are status quo in Doodleville.

John, NYC ~ August 3, 2010