Mortified's December 7th Show and Party

In order to properly celebrate Mortified's new book, "Mortfied" ---which dropped two weeks ago (what a great gift idea! Buy yours here today! Or stop into a regular old timey type bookstore and snap it up. Time's a 'wastin'.)---the December 7th show featured performers who are all contributors to the book. Sold out, baby. Sold out. And afterwards? An 80's dance party where the music and high school gym decorations so reminded most of us where we were when we wrote our mortifying masterpieces that the only thing different was the absence of creepy parents and teacher chaperones the dance. Oh, and the smell of wine cooler vomit. But the New York Daily News was there! (Today's Daily News, page 28. No offense, Daily News, but seriously lame coverage. My recap here is more comprehensive, trust me. Thanks to Bumpkyn for the photos.)

Mortified Music Stand, decked out in crepe paper prom decorations (note: crepe paper tastes terrible, don't lick it)

Hosts Giulia Rozzi and Brandy Barber. They did not get out unscathed; they took it for the team and shared their own embarrassing crap as well.

Anne Altman

Sara Barron

John Friedman

Ari Scott

Jake Goldman

Rylan Morrison

Brianna Jacobson

Photographic evidence of serious "Fame" moves at Mortified's After Party

Me doing the same while spectators look on, shocked and intrigued. Ok, fine, so they're not paying attention or my moves are so smooth they hypnotise. Whatevs.

Here's the Weather, Up Here

And here's me, down here.


BOOO!


Yeah, a long week had me run down, sorry for the lack of posts. No energy to do anything but whine. Doodle says hi.

It's Electric!

Thursday night's Mortified show at the Tank Theater was electric to be sure. The performances were as good as the fun I had with balloons. In fact, it was so amazing, I got run down from all the excitement and am feeling a little schloopish these days. I'll post more pics tomorrow when I'm feeling better. Rock and roll.

Happy Friday To You, Happy Friday To You

Doodle, 12/7/06

MmmNnuhh MmmNnuhh

Origami Style Paper Fortune Teller

When I was in elementary school, this paper fortune teller dilly-o was quite a popular--and accurate--way for us girls to have our futures revealed. Decide your future today by making one here.

This tradition died out in Junior High and was replaced by the Paper Football Note Folding technique in which a poor "pass" --or flick, rather-- could result in an interception by the teacher and tremendous embarrassment for the quarterback should she decide to read the football in class. Reputation: ruined.

The Reviews Are In!

That's right, folks! Here's what the critics are saying about Two Can Anne:

"She's angry."

-John Doe, 44, Elmira, NY

~

"Not funny."

-Jane Doe, 50, New York, NY

~

"A serious Suck Fest."

-Doodle Doe, 6, New York, NY

Fabulous! Sounds about right to me. Tell your friends!

Her Ears are Burning

12/05

Doodle knows you're talking about her.

Room with a View

Looking downtown, 50 stories above the ground in the Empire State Building, 11/06

See Why Freddy the Frog and Charlie the Owl Suck?

New Zoo Revue

Good Friday: The New Passover

I had a temp job once where I was supposed to fill in for someone for three weeks. But when the person returned, I was not let go, but instead kept on for months and months and months. Because I'm good is why! Soon the idea was presented to me by my co-worker and superiors that I "audition" for the full-time position they were creating. So I made sure I was the best I could possibly be. Comin' in early and stayin' late kind of stuff and takin' on all kinds of BS in the name of promotion. Since they liked me and I was doing the job well, the conversion seemed like a no-brainer. I was sent to Human Resources to meet with the Director.

The Director of Human Resources looked at my resume, discussed the job responsibilities for the position, waxed on about the tremendous benefits at the company, and assured me that they "Don't gyp you out of vacation days here." They were looking to hire this candidate in the next few weeks and I would be advised of the process as it was going along. I took notes. Taking notes conveys a certain "Je ne sais quoi" n'est pas? Always try and look like a smarty pants. If you don't wear glasses, get fake ones. Or take diligent notes. Even if your notes say, "This dude is a sweaty panty smeller."

Anyway, a few months later, I was approached by my boss at 3 p.m. about a surprise meeting with VP, the Senior VP, and my counterpart concerning the full time position--at coincidentally, 3 p.m. I asked my colleague, "Do you know what this mystery meeting involves?" I was met with a blank stare. So, I gathered my notes from the Human Resources pow-wow, and got myself a nice tall glass of ice water in a styrofoam cup.

I sat down, in the last available at the round table for four by the door. In the fifty seconds I had just traveled from the pantry to the conference room, I had rehearsed what I was going to say about my summer vacation plans, that they were already in place for months, and that I'd be out of the office for approximately two weeks. I had my salary range in mind. I was all set. Let the games begin.

SVP: Well, Anne, we've called you in today to discuss the full-time position we spoke to you about.
Anne: Yes, great!
SVP: Ok. We have offered the position to someone else.


*3 sets of eyeballs blinking at me*


Anne: (pause) Oh-kay?
VP: Her name is Beth. And she starts on Monday.
Anne: Alright?
SVP: We decided to go with someone more junior.
VP: Yeah, more junior.
Co-worker: Yeah.
Anne: Ok?
VP: You'll love her. She's great.
Anne: I'm sure.
SVP: So, yeah. We just wanted to let you know that we went with another candidate.
Anne: I see. Ok. Um, so... I guess this meeting is adjorned, then?
SVP: Unless you might have some questions, we just felt it right to meet with you like this to let you know the direction we decided to go in. Do you have any questions for us?


*3 sets of eyeballs eyeballing me around conference room table*


Anne: Does this mean I'm getting the shitcan?
SVP, VP, Co-worker, (in unison): NO! WE LOVE* YOU!!!!
VP: Oh, please, no! Don't think that we don't love you because we do!
Anne: Oh, ok. I ask because I need to know if I can I keep my Time Warner Triple Play package? I just signed up for it and all.
SVP: Yes! We love you! Don't think we don't love you! We're keeping you on until the first of the year*!

And that day, Good Friday, the day Christ was nailed to a cross, was the day (or one of the more memorable days) I was passed up for a job. The day will now be known as Passover. Get it? Got it? Good.



*liars
**pants on fires

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Even Doodle Can Take a Bad Picture

Doodle, 11/3/06

Without her hair and makeup did, Doodle's been known to shatter a mirror or two. She beat me with her bejeweled cell phone after I snapped this. Then she accused me of stealing her designer jeans. I call her the 7 lb terrorist*.

*behind her back, duh.

Oh, Conway

12/5/06, West 34th Street, NYC

Tsk Tsk Tsk. Now You're Arrested

This kid screwed up. Every self-respecting kid at Christmastime knows that of course you open your presents early and play with them if you happen upon the treasure trove. But you don't get caught, for cryin' out loud!?! You tear the paper away carefully, play with your Mattel Basketball game in the closet for a few minutes or hours, then you re-tape the paper and put it back. Duh. Now he's doin hard time for the holidays. Shame shame. I bet he wishes he got the coal instead.

Get Mortified: Sold Out

Hey, kids. Bad news for all of you wanting tickets to Thursday's Mortified show at the Tank Theater. Sold out! After the show there will be a Mortifying Party and a Mortified Book Sale as well. Yes, I will sign copies for those folks who are interested. Doodle will not be in attendance; she said she didn't want to steal my spotlight, as people would see her and want her to sign stuff. She's right. She's always right.

Anyway, wild rumor has it that one of my favorite radio progams of all time, This American Life will be there taping. Yay. I hope my 'do looks good enough for radio. Although, they are debuting the TV version of This American Life in January 2007 on Showtime, so perhaps that extra ten minutes of care I spend on the hair actually could come in handy. You know how the old saying goes, "Show you care, brush your hair."

You Down Wit D.O.O.D? Yeah, You Know Me

Doodle, 12/5/06

It's Hard Out Here For a Pimp Ass Beeyatch

Look how hard it was for DeeAnne, my #1 Pimp Ass Beeyatch, to celebrate her 26th birthday tonight. Let alone try to find the money for the rent. We spent the evening with Cha Cha and Kevin while they sold her kick ass hats at the Puck Building Gift Show. We partied like it was 1999, because drinks were free and that's the last year DeeAnne was young. For those counting, DeeAnne was 20 in 1999.

Ok, sure, that's in dog years, but she won't be insulted because she friggin' loves dogs. Ask her. For reals. She eats their faces off. And she claims to be a vegetarian! I know! It's ridiculous! She'll also spend hours on the phone with Doodle. Don't even get me started on that nonsense.

DeeAnne making love to two cute dogs and one fabulous hat outside of Cha Cha's House of Ill Repute

Kevin, Anne, Cha Cha and Eddie in "Bite Me Best" on Avenue C and Ninth Street.

(Yes, I'm wearing a fabulous Cha Cha Original, so definitely click on this bitch, once, then again in the bottom right corner for maximum sweet ass magnification. I'm the a-hole with the camera.)

DeeAnne and Kevin

DeeAnne and Eddie keepin' it real straight pimpin, G. G is for Gorgeous.

DeeAnne is singing some jazzy jazzy jazz hands jazz on December 6th in Midtown Manhattan. Check the details here. Be there and wish her a Happy Birthday yourself! Or, be a square. You're choice, Jazz Hating Square.

I Do Believe I Was Napping Peacefully Before You Interrupted Me

Doodle 12/05/06

Sure, It's Seen Better Days: Link Fixed

But it's still a lovely place to rest in peace, even during the harsh winter months of Western New York. The North Cuba Lake Cemetery on Smith Road next to the Cuba Lake Dam. Thanksgiving 2006.

Relatives of Charles Ingalls aka Pa Ingalls (father of Laura Ingalls Wilder of "Little House on the Prairie" are buried near this spot) you know, Michael Landon. Before they moved West, they came from here. Ingalls is a common surname in Cuba to this day.

Tuesday Taylor

Doodle, 12/5/06

Does anyone remember Tuesday Taylor? She was a doll similar to Barbie but her big feature was that her hair could either be black, blonde, or black and blonde together. You basically twisted her 'do around her dome piece for variety. But inevitably she never looked as fashionable as the picture on the box and she'd have matted clumps you could never brush out. That made the look less hip and put together and more Atlantic City Hooker on a 74 hour Crack Binge.

At least that's what happened with Melanie's Tuesday Taylor. Please. Melanie was a really nice girl, but I can't say that her Tuesday Taylor and Barbie Dreamhouse AND Barbie Sportscar weren't on my mind those days when she asked me to come over and play. Friends with benefits. But I came over once, and the Dreamhouse elevator had been broken. Come on. Everyone knows that the working elevator was the reason you played with the thing. You'd think you'd get that fixed. I'm no engineer, I couldn't make sense of those white strings jumbled up in the pulleys.

Anyway, so that in addition to Tuesday Taylor's knots was beginning to be a drag. Then Melanie switched schools, and well, that was the beginning of the end of our friendship. No, actually, yes, that was the end of our friendship, but we shared good times. And melba toasts. Melanie was really into Melba Toast crackers. I wonder if she still eats those.

Monday Monday

View From a Wall Unit

Looking North: a Paw






Doodler on the Roof

Goodbye Cruel World, I'm Gonna Jump!

All I Want for Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth

And the Time Life Soft Rock Collection!

No, I'm not not kidding. And yes, I'm a dork, but I can't help it; songs of youth shape a person. You may want to coordinate amongst yourselves to avoid embarrssing gift duplication. I believe if you order now with credit card, you may get free shipping --and I get a bonus CD called Greatest Hits of 1977--so act now!

Here's a tidbit of what the collection has to offer, Rupert Holmes' "Him." Check out the music video, and the expressive nature of the woman backup singing with him. She really gets into it--Cheri Oteri style--so much so that you're sure she's just taken Improv 101 and is making fun of Rupert. But why? The fact that he looks like your Junior High School Math teacher? Or maybe because his lady is cheating on him? I'm sure it's neither, and that she puts that much energy into everything she does, but it's still funny to watch. Oh, Rupert. Whatever did "she" do about "him?"

Green Machine

Doodle, 12/3/06, 7:45 a.m.

After waking up and before her first nap (of several) for the day

Sick of You

But sick of GWAR? Never! Please. Can one get enough of a band whose website has flies, maggots, severed arm and hypodermic needle? Doubtful. Coming to NYC's Irving Plaza on December 14, people. Be there and get sprayed with green blood or be square.

Sick..of..you...

I'm so sick of

You-ooo-oooh

Sick.. of.. you...

I'm so sick of

You-ooo-oooh

Ahh...the dichotomy of the Gorman siblings. One is an artist who also spills enough blood to "wake the maggot" and the other is a sultry jazz musician and poet. Both make beautiful music. Just not on the same stage at this juncture. Just wait. I see a duet of Stormy Weather in their futures.

Freaks

Gooble Gobble

Gooble Gobble

We accept you

We accept you

One of us

One of us

Gooble Gobble

Gooble Gobble

Freaks, 1932.

I watched it thanks to Netflix last night and found it amazing. See it. Here are some of the reasons why you should. And another. Doodle likes it because it's a Metro Goldwyn Mayer picture, and she likes to watch the lion at the beginning. Even if she doesn't see it first, but hears the roar, she'll look up. Kitties: they know their kind.

Deal or No Deal

I love the NBC game show Deal or No Deal. Howie Mandel is way less annoying than he was in the 80's (perhaps it's being rid of the bad 'fro alone), and there are hot broads --for those who are into that sort of thing--to ease the pain of his blindingly shiny dome piece. The show is very simple. It's just like Lotto with more safety nets. And I love it for one of the same basic reasons I love PBS Antiques Roadshow: you want the unassuming and kind to win and the jerk off know-it-alls to lose. Who can stand a know-it-all?

Doodle Wishes You a Happy December

May you spend it in the sink. Where the action is.

Quite Possibly the Worst High School Photo Choice Ever

The poker face and chips has replaced the folded hands and cocked head. Oh, Jesus. Bring back the folded hands and cocked head. Please. Should we be encouraging this behavior? This is the land of the Indian Casinos, after all.

Fit For Kids?

Not even the Pope has the amount of patience required for this craft. Clever idea--nobody loves makin' paper snowflakes more than I-- but no thanks, man. Too complicated. I just don't think the payoff is that good.

Life is Looking Up

You know life is getting better when I have the inkling and energy to do stuff like this:

I don't have it just yet, but I feel it coming in the air tonight. And honestly, does this broad own anything? She certainly has a lot of leg room and floor space in which to hang. Plus, I might not wear that leotard. Or the socks. We'll see.

The "Who's Fatter Seesaw"

Oh, sure, here's a fun and humilating ride. No doubt created by men. Broads finally exercise the right to sport reasonable amount of skin and then they're subjected to "Tip the Scale". Good times. What woman at the beach doesn't want to hop on this thing with their hotter best girlfriend. Right. Hey, Ethel! You looked like you crammed yourself into that swimsuit and sure enough the scale proves it! Fatty Bumbalatty!

Of Course I Compete in Pageants on My Own Free Will

Pageantry was all my idea.

No pressure at all. It's just that if I don't win, Mommy will beat me.

I want to win for me, not just for Mommy. Right, Mommy? How was that, Mommy?

Eeeewwwww. Now don't kid yourself, stage parents: don't think you can slide your kid in on the Optional Category of Best Personality if he's got eyes wider apart than a Cuba Lake carp. Sunburst Beauty Pageant has standards, people.

FYI

Random lunch lady with pinched face and gloves, random fat kid in random sweater, random nachos, random public school in Anytown, USA

Here's the cafetorium menu for the Cuba-Rushford Central School in Cuba, New York. Just thought you'd want a head's up before Monday. I know personally I'm pretty stoked about Thursday's Italian Dunkers.

Mortifying Press is Mortifying!

No it's not. It's way cool! Im so thrilled to be associated with such an amazing project and be a part of such a cool book that can't help but sound like a sycophantic a-hole talking about Mortified, so read about it straight from the Barber's Mouth!

Christmas Gift Idea for the High School Drop Out in Your Life

Let your loved ones lounge around on your sofa like graduates with the feel of luxurious polyester in this spiffy bathrobe. Great gift for those with a G.E.D as well. Everybody deserves to wear a cap and gown. Even if it kills your sex life. Put this baby on, add a few cats to the picture and next thing you know, you're one step closer to muttering to yourself in either a muu-muu or a housecoat. Yes folks, nothing says I love you this Christmas more than "You appear to have given up on yourself. Enjoy the downward slide, may this robe grow with you." So, give the gift of abstinence this holiday season. Buy a robe here.

Allegheny River Dikes

Whipcreamy on the dike with two crutches and no bike. In house injury on the way to the bathroom at my cousin's house. Olean, New York 11/06

View of the Allegheny River and Road to Allegheny, NY @ Irving Parkway, Olean 11/06

The only thing more bucolic than having your house situated across a rolling green hill separating you from the Allegheny River would be a farm house or an Amish lady selling elderberry pie and baskets. "Up on the dikes" is what we used to say. The dike was a lot higher back in the day, but it's still a lovely view. Or perhaps it just seems a lot smaller than when I was 6. It was years and years later when I learned that my dear cousin was allegedly also a mountainous dam did I find out the other meaning of the word. In the 1940s the river swelled right over the dike and flooded the Altman homestead and the whole town. Not as big news as the Jamestown---oops, no, that's Lucille Ball--thank you to Oren for correcting me-- the Johnstown Flood, but still. Important part of Olean's history. And the house though now sold twice, is still referred to in town as the Altman House. Who hadn't heard of the largest family in town on the quietest street in town? Anyway, we grandkids spent a lot of time running up and around this thing. Wide open grassy path with a dangerous river on one side? An irresistable attraction. In the summer my aunts and uncles would nail in large pieces of refrigerator box cardboard to the slope and we'd all (old and young alike) coaster down the street side in those Day-Glo saucers. Yes, nails. And gravity forced plastic vehicles carreening into the road. Safe time to be a kid, the 70's. What, I turned out alright without car seats or Baby Einstein, ain't I?

I Can See Clearly Now, the Rain Has Gone

Irving Parkway, Olean, New York. Thanksgiving 11/06

This swingset has been here for forever. My grandmother's former house is the one on the left with the big porch. I spent many a summer afternoon on that front porch with Grama Altman when I was a kid, sipping iced tea with fresh mint from the garden and playing a rousing game of "Guess Which Color Car Will Drive Down the Street Next?" It was usually safe to guess blue or white. We saw about a car an hour on a good day. A lot of K cars. Man, Grama was the greatest.

You think that picture was ridiculous? How about these?

Some little dog in a swing, Irving Parkway, Olean, New York, 11/06

A dog in a swing? Almost as funny as a dog in a bandanna.

Please Stop Saying That

I just got my copy of "Mortified: Real Words. Real People. Real Pathetic." in the mail, and it is HILARIOUS! Let's put it this way: Great Gift Idea! (of course, I don't get any residuals from those sales but it's a great gift idea nonetheless, and I'm in the book!) Another Great Gift Idea? 2007 Doodle Cat Calendars, people! And I get a $5 Scratch Your Face Off Fee for every outfit I stuffed Doodle in for the project. They are still on sale for $19 beans, so get the discount while you can.

Ok, back to insulting things that people say. I've heard this a time or ten in my life in response to a writing or photography or art project somone has created:

"Wow, you have way to much time on your hands."

Insulting. Did you enjoy the project? Art takes time, yes. Did you stop to look at it? Are you commenting about it now? Then you have too much time on your hands, and I didn't say that to you, did I?

"Tell us how you feel, don't hold back." (said sarcastically)

Insulting. No explanation necessary here.

"The temp screwed up the project."

Oh, the temp. The lack of job benefits makes us the universal scapegoat. The reason I got sent my Mortified Book late wasn't because of a general mixup, but because the "Temp typed the wrong address." Not necessary.

Friday's here! So don't be queer.

How the Grinch Stole Christmas

Whoville Hill, Olean, New York, 11/06