from marriedtothesea.com

Who Doesn't Love an Email Forward?

Ultimate Peep Show.

Kick Ass Shoe of the Day

The Sperry Top-Sider.

I wore these classic kicks when I was a wee lass. I took sailing lessons, my family had a sailboat, and this preppy footwear was standard issue. The Sperry Top-Sider, created in 1935, remains today because it never was really in style, therefore it never went out of style. Dig?

Read more about the history of the Sperry Top-Sider here. You don't have to have a sailboat or a preppy to wear a pair, you just have to wave your hands in the air like you just don't care... that people may make fun of your shoes. Screw those people. What have they done for you lately, anyway? Buy some here* today.

*I wear a 7.5. Thanks.

I Was in Public With a Man With a Huge Zit on His Forehead

Naturally, it was a bit embarrassing for both of us. Possibly a little more embarrassing for me. The zit is on his upper forehead above his right eye and sits atop a large egg-shaped pulsating mound of redness. It is --at the very least--a day away from popping. When he raises his eyebrows, the zit virtually disappears, but then he looks incredibly startled and borderline insane. I'll describe the experience of being in public with a man with a huge zit on his forehead in greater detail later. Thanks for your attention, and enjoy your afternoon.

Don't Bother Me When I'm Watchin' My Stories!

Sent to me by whipcreamy:

This is ridiculous.

Kick Ass Shoes of the Day

"Brocade shoe; red and white satin shoe; shoe belonging to Rosa Anderson, a fair maid of Perth, whose elopement created a great sensation in bygone days in the town, to whose Council her husband belonged."

T. W. Grieg ~Ladies' Dress Shoes of the Nineteenth Century~1900

from the New York Public Library's Digital Gallery

I'm Staircase Shopping: Help Me Decide

I'm struggling between





#1:

&






#2:

Walgreens Grand Opening in the Neighborhood

Many of you have read or at least heard about the new Walgreens in the neighborhood. It has finally filled the spot formerly known as Gristede's Supermarket (the word Gristede's apparently is German for poorly managed cat piss-flavored grocery store) and formerly formerly known as The Gap. Before that I have no recollection and maybe that's best for the purposes of this story because I'm already getting off track.

Why is a new Walgreens in my neighborhood so special, you ask? First of all, you don't see anything disappear around here without another bank branch taking its place. We have more friggin' banks around here. Who the hell has all this money to put in these banks? Don't we bank online these days anyway? Good grief, banks piss me off. Back in the day you'd have your bank and it might be close by, it might be a little farther away, either way, you went there and that was it. Now you have a fat ass because there's a branch every few feet. Ooooh, what an interesting neighborhood you live in! Is that a Chase, next to WaMu, next to Bank of America (jerks charge $3.00 for their ATMs? Welcome to America), next to a Commerce, next to a WHATEVER? WOW! HOW INTERESTING AND USEFUL! Banks. Ridiculous.

Not getting a bank is fantastic. What else is fantastic? Not getting a Duane Reade. This is "Manhattan's Drugstore" (named after Duane and Reade Streets in lower Manhattan) and it blows. They're everywhere, and they suck. Simply put, their staff sucks and they have a bad selection. I was forced to shop at a crappy Duane Reade until I saw the papered up windows of the vacant storefront announcing Walgreens Coming Soon, and man, I was elated! Seriously psyched!

Here are a few more pictures of my first time shopping at the new Walgreens last night. The trip was pleasant and interesting. I even saw some folks from my apartment building in there. The cranky rich dude who lives in the penthouse was already arguing with one of the store clerks with the circular in his hand, "But you're out of ice cream! It's advertised here, sale on ice cream and you have no ice cream!" She calmly replied, "We'll give you a rain check." He exclaimed, "How could you be out of the ice cream already? Already?" She responded, "I don't think we ever had it at this location, actually. We just opened." And cranky old dude couldn't let it go: "I was gonna say! Out of the ice cream already, how could that be the case? Now you'll give me a raincheck now, but you don't have the ice cream. Do I come back? Will it be on sale?" I have a feeling she said something about giving it to him at the sale price for a later time, but the conversation was starting to give me a little anxiety, and plus, what if he recognized me, that's a whole other deal because he's deaf too, so there'd be more shouting. Next aisle for me, please.








Here's the chick stamping sticker prices on stuff with her new sticker price gun in Aisle 4, Side B: In front of the refrigerated cases where the ice cream wasn't. Look how nice and shiny everything is! And neat! And shiny. And empty of people! Yay! People are terrible!












Here's up front near the registers. Peanut butter flavored Whoppers, you say? Well, okay! Look at all that beautiful I Heart NY stuff made in China. Nice selection.











Good shot of this broad entering the new store in wonder and amazement, don't you think? She has literally stopped in her tracks, stunned by the selection of products. I mean, inside her head, she's flipping the fuck out, you know? It's that new drugstore smell, filling up her senses. Wow, electronics section right up front? Excellent! Beautiful. That's where Gristede's used to keep its rotten meat case. True story.

















What is that, an overhang to prevent you and your Walgreens packages from getting soaked in inclement weather while you fumble for an umbrella or try to hail a taxi? I think it is! What a stunning idea! What a beautiful overhang. I stood under it for a second and have to say, it was top-notch. A perfect end to a perfect shopping experience. I'm going to transfer prescriptions there, and find all kinds of reasons to go there for this, that, and whatevs. I wonder if they're open 24 hours?

Wunder Beer Sold Here

Wunder Beer, Bohemian Lager Beer

The Best in the World

San Francisco, CA
1905

D is the Deerstalker, Sometimes, Fear...

Ogden's Cigarettes
from New York Public Library's Digital Gallery

C is the Cricketer, Baleful and Bitter

Ogden's Cigarettes
from New York Public Library's Digital Gallery

Happy Spring!

Springtime in the Ozarks, Arkansas

Spring! Spring! Spring! Nevermind that springtime starts in early February these days because the planet Earth is on fire and is about to blow, so friggin' bring it already. Winter was a joke. We had two or three cold days and the rest were mild enough for frisbee but cold enough for people to whine about it. I realize other parts of the country got tons of snow but we in Manhattan got one lousy flurry, which of course, caused major panic stirred up by the Mayor, the weatherpeople, and the idiot who couldn't make it to the office because of "the snowstorm" which apparently was raging thick on the Upper East Side. Oh, was I bitching? Let's get back to flowers. I like tulips.

It's Time Fo' Mo' Wendy Ho

Sure, it's a month after Valentine's Day, but not a minute too late to view my amazing hottie friend Wendy's latest creation, "Cupid You're So Stoopit" with the ever-lovin' and silly John. F. O'Donnell. These two are gf / bf in real life and man, they're way too cute for words. Normally, I'd hate them for being "that kind of couple" but they're much too likeable. I suppose this is the part where I'm supposed to warn you that this vid might not be safe for work, but you realize that my entire blog isn't safe for work unless you're working on getting yourself fired, and well, that's happened to me a few times, so my apologies in advance.




Make sure you check out "Bitch, I Stole Your Purse" next if ya ain't seen it yet or nothin' cause it's hilarious too.

You Were Cordially Invited

to the New York Central

Wine, Liquor & Beer Dealers Association

at the Lexington Avenue Opera House

on September 2, 1891.

I do hope you had a good time.

B is the Boxer

Ogden's Cigarettes
from New York Public Library's Digital Gallery

A is For Angler Whose Patience is Great

Ogden's Cigarettes
from New York Public Library's Digital Gallery

We Can Discuss the Sfingi and the Zeppoli All Day

But we're just avoiding the real question which is obviously, "Do crocodiles eat other crocodiles?"

Chicken Wing Cupcake

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Got Sfingi?

Happy St. Joseph's Day, Everyone!

This is the day where we eat the sfingi.

From wikipedia: A zeppola (plural zeppole, in southern dialects zeppoli) or St. Joseph's Day cake, also called sfinge and in Rome Bignè di S. Giuseppe is a pastry typical of Roman, Neapolitan and generally peninsular Italian cuisine.

Click here for an interesting article from St. Louis Today which describes today's holiday, its traditions and its edibles.

Weird Wedding Photos Part MCLMMVMV

"Oh, I love this part! This is the part where Martin Sheen hacks us to death with a machete!"

A Quiz: Name This Pastry

Weird Wedding Photos Part MVLCMMVMV

"Does this dress make my nose look big and my tits look like flapped mashjacks?"

Just a Couple of Chicks With Attitude and My Empty Purse

Misses Brandy Barber (who is sportin' her new hairdo and old attitude) and Michelle Buteau (who is doing such a fine job modeling my handbag it looks like it wasn't made in China and selling on overstock.com for $99) ~ at Giulia Rozzi's new pad in Williamsburg, Brooklyn ~ March 15, 2008.

*Check out the amazing faux brick wall in the background painted by Giulia's husband Tim!

Matt's Party: Featured on ComedySmack.com!

Let's celebrate St. Paddy's 08 with a fond (and disturbing) memory from St. Paddy's Day 07:

Matt's Party on ComedySmack!

Blarney-stoned.

The Killarney Rose

Tuesday afternoon, March 11, 2008

691

691 = number of people at Grand Central Station on the Downtown 4, 5, 6 platform who needed a punch in the beanbag this morning.

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

Skillet Irish Soda Bread.

Photo by smitten on flickr.

~

Recipe: Skillet Irish Soda Bread Served With Cheddar and Apples
Published: March 14, 2007, in The New York Times
Time: 1 1/2 hours

Butter for greasing pan plus 1/4 cup unsalted butter, melted

3 cups all-purpose flour

2/3 cup sugar

1 tablespoon baking powder

1 1/2 teaspoons salt

1 teaspoon baking soda

1 3/4 cups buttermilk

2 eggs, well beaten

1 1/2 cups raisins or currants

1 tablespoon caraway seeds

Good aged Cheddar cheese, for serving

Tart apples, cut into slices, for serving.

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Grease a 10-inch oven-proof skillet and line with parchment or waxed paper.
2. In a bowl, whisk together the flour, sugar, baking powder, salt and baking soda. In a separate bowl, combine the buttermilk, eggs and 2 tablespoons melted butter. Add wet ingredients to dry and stir until just combined. Do not overmix. Stir in the raisins or currants and caraway seeds.

3. Pour batter into skillet. Brush top with remaining butter. Bake until golden and firm to touch, about 1 hour. Cool 10 minutes before slicing and serving with Cheddar and apples.

Yield: 1 10-inch loaf.

Van Halen @ Madison Square Garden on St. Patrick's Day

1982 wasn't that great. Just like any other year, it had it's problems--my bucked teeth, for one-- so I don't really understand my desperation to re-live it through music like this. Yet all I want to do while washing dishes is do just that. David Lee Roth's perfect pitched scream on this song is perfect David Lee. Oh, and somebody get me a ticket to this show tomorrow night, will ya? You know I deserve it.

Weird Wedding Photos Part MVLCMMVMCMV

A classic example of how Toofy Bookends can ruin your wedding photos. If you must invite Toofy Bookends to your wedding, politely refuse to be photographed with them. If Toofy Bookends insist, throw a few root vegetables in their direction and run the other way.

Click to enlarge if you are legally blind.

Weird Wedding Photos Part MCLMMVVVM

If you could lick your own nuts, why bother with a wedding?

I Started a Band Called Poopy Pants

And I did it all on www.createbands.com.

Try it! It's stupid*!







*fun

Won't You Take Me To...Doodletown?

Doodletown, New York:

From Wikipedia: "Doodletown was an isolated village located in northern Rockland County, New York, United States. Abandoned during the 1960s, it is now part of Bear Mountain State Park. It is a popular destination for hikers, birdwatchers, botanists, and local historians. The former village is now a ghost town."

Stuff White People Like

This blog Stuff White People Like is hilarious. It's even more hilarious if you're a white person and a black person sends it you--and then asks you in disbelief, "Anne, is this true?" and you say yes, and she doesn't believe you.

She: "White people really like that crap?"

Me: "Um...yeah. We do."

She: "What? You're lying."

Me: "I know. I wish I was lying. Man, do white people love shorts or what?"

She: "Yeah. Please. It's gotta stop."

Shirt-a-Day.com: Spitzer #9

from http://www.shirtaday.com/

And You Thought Your Husband Spent Too Long on the John

Folks? This...is fucked up.

Match.com : Ladies? It's OK to Look

New York City municipal lodging house circa 1909. "After the bath." This is the answer to those wondering what you'd wear while your clothes were being fumigated overnight. George Grantham Bain Collection.

Anyone Interested in Becoming Client #10 or Whatevs?

screen cache from wonkette.com

Call 212-812-2114. Oh, mailbox is full, yo. But I'm sure they'll get right back to you.

Popular Mechanics

February 9, 1927. Central High School, Washington, D.C. "High school girls learn the art of automobile mechanics. Grace Hurd, Evelyn Harrison and Corinna DiJiulian, with Grace Wagner under the car." National Photo Co. From shorpy.com

The Disappointed Faces of Those Whom Read This Blog

Save the Mortifying Date: April 7!

And save the time:

8 pm

And the place:

Comix.

Let's repeat:

MORTIFIED!

Monday, April 7

8 pm

Comix

Check it!

Anne Activity for the Week of March 10 Includes But is Not Limited To:

• Last night: A delightful exhibition tennis match at Madison Square Garden between Pete Sampras and Roger Federer. Very entertaining. I don't know much about tennis but once again, it was proven to me why I'll see just about anything from a corporate skybox at MSG. How can you go wrong with free booze (which included a bottle of McCallan's 12 Year), free food(which included one of these), cushioned theater seats and a private bathroom? You can't. You simply can't go wrong. Unless you wanted to catch Federer's headband or a stray tennis ball, and in that case, you may need to get a life. Anyway, I went into the evening rooting for Roger, because I didn't know better, then I realized that the real dude to cheer for is the "old guy" born in the U.S.A. And our boy Pete made things competitive! So competetive, he almost pulled it off. Good fun was had between the opponents, lots of laughs, and lots of GO, PETE! shouted from the stands. The match was sponsored by Rolex and NetJets, and luckily for me, I happen to be in the market for a luxury watch and a private plane so that was some convenient shiz, no?


• Tonight: Weird, weird, weird. I will be attending a dinner in lower Manhattan with a naturist group (ie: nudist group). The program is called Clothing Optional Dinners. In other words: No Hot Soup! As they like to say. I'll be performing in MORTIFIED--- with clothes. That's right, MORTIFIED's the entertainment, at the most exposed MORTIFIED ever! No need to picture the audience naked, kids---they already are. When I was asked whether or not I'd like to be naked as well, I replied, "Hell! I don't even shower naked, yo." Read all about Clothing Optional Dinners here from an article written in '05. This I've gotta see. I think. I chalk all this shiz up to the stories I'm going to tell my imaginary gran' chillin'.


• Thursday: I'll be seeing "Posteriors" (compliments of Robbi Kearn) live at Comix: "Woody Allen stole from Ingmar Bergman and we’re stealing it back…sort of. The TWEED Fractured Classicks Series continues on Thursday, March 13th at Comix with Posteriors, a fully staged send up of Woody Allen's 1978 drama "Interiors". Twisted by jealousy, insecurity and resentment, this is the story of an interior designer mother deserted by her husband and her emotionally glacial relationships of their three grown daughters. This spoof will be interpreted by a dynamic cast including, Julie Halston (The Class), David Rakoff (This American Life), Peter Frechette (Tony Nominee), Lennon Parham and downtown legends Steve Hayes, Brenda Bergman, David Ilku and Jodi Lennon. Directed by TWEED’s Kevin Malony and presented by Jodi Lennon, Robbi Kearns and TWEED TheaterWorks." For tickets and more info: click here.

Doodle ~ March, 2008

Federer v. Sampras: Let's Get Ready for Eyebrows!

Tonight tennis great Roger Federer takes on tennis great Pete Sampras at Madison Square Garden, and I'll be there because I love tennis.

Ok, ok, not because I love tennis, but because I love eyebrows.

OK! OK! Not because I love eyebrows, but because I never turn down free tickets.

See you there!

Breaking News: Governor Eliot Spitzer Can't Keep It in His Pants

Alright, alright---dudes can't keep it in their pants.

This is news?

Everyone's shocked?

Not me. Not this broad.

Allegedly, Governor Spitzer had a meeting with the Emperor's Club, a high-priced, "exclusive" (ie: pricey, yo.) prostitution ring, on February 13 in Washington D.C. I just listened to his press conference, where he basically admits he's let his family and the public down. Whether or not he'll resign is to be determined--he will report back to us "in short order."

Oh, Eliot. On Valentine's Day Eve?

Tsk, tsk.

Sure, you want to stick your dick in stuff things than your wife. But you're a politican, Governor Spitzer--an American politician, one who specializes in fighting organized crime. People find this shiz out--and in this country, care. People always shit on France and stuff, but man, if you want to be a dude and have extra-marital sex with no public repercussions per se, France is the place to be. Better out in the open and than the hypocrisy here. So let's fly to to Paris and stick our baguettes in some brie, shall we?

Waaaaah waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah...

Afghani Acupuncturist

I'm listening to the radio right now. An American journalist is talking about world politics and keeps mentioning "Afghanistan," but is saying it like

Aahf-gahn-ee-stahn.

But he isn't saying Ahh-merica or ahh-ctually or ahh-nd.

AHHHssole.

Ironically, on Saturday night, my friend Tuna was telling us about his acupuncture therapy. But he said it like,

Ahh-cupuncture.

He's not an AHHHssole, but he did provide us with mucho party entertainment with that one.

P is for Paw Paw

A is fo Ah Ah

R is for Rah Rah

T is for Tah Tah

Y is for Wahh Waaaaaaaaah

Cat of 1000 Faces

They Say It's My Birthday

I'm gonna have a mediocre time.

Oh, and we lose an hour tonight for daylight savings. Happy Birthday to Me!

Clean Your Screens, Peeps

Click here.

Let's Get Ready to Vomit!

Ok, guys, I told you how excited I have been for the new season of Housewives on Bravo, this time it's the "Real" Housewives of New York City, and boy is it brutal. Super brutal horrible style!



These women are terrible. It was a laborious decision, but I've decided that my least favorite broad (man, do I love to hate this broad!) is Alex McCord Van Kempen. Surely she didn't know how unappealing she'd come off on-screen? Apparently not. A quick perusal of her personal website, www.mccordvankempen.com reveals that clearly Alex is either dillusional or doesn't give a flippin' Hermes shit.






(Photo: Copyright Jay Sullivan, Bravo)

Did you know that her son



"Francois took his first flight to London when he was 13 days old and when we were flying back (by then Francois was 19 days old) we were asked by a fellow passenger how young our son was and when we told her that he was 19 days old she replied how that was very young to fly but the previous week she had flown with a baby only 13 days old. We had to laugh as that was Francois – she’d asked the same question on our outbound flight.

(OMG OMG OMG!!!!)

and

"When Francois was 5 weeks old he took his second overseas flight, this time to Marrakesh, Morocco and therefore had been to three of the Earth’s continents already.


(WOW!!!!!!)


and

"Francois first went to St Barth’s in 2003 when he was in utero and has been back for two weeks every year since. Summer 2008 will be his 5th trip (well 6th if you count 2003)."


(THAT'S AMAZING!!!! DO YOU COUNT 2003????????????)


What an obnoxious, super huge, horse-faced hosebag! I'm so happy she exists!

Love,

Anne

I'm Afraid I Only Had Fifteen Minutes For Fitness Today, Yo.

So, suck it.

Also, I've decided that the only movies with nuns in them that I can tolerate are the The Blues Brothers and The Sound of Music. All other nun movies can take a hike. I recently suffered through The Bells of Saint Mary on TCM. What a shitshow. I remember my grandmother telling me in the 1990's that it was the last movie ever she saw. I can see why.

Ok, kids. Go back to your animal crackers.

Yale-Colgate Football

"Yale-Colgate Football." New Haven, Oct. 23, 1954, with Ralph, Dan and Richie, a few months after Richie (standing) graduated from Colgate. From shorpy.com

Viceland.com's DO/DON'T of the Day

DON'T: Christmas Chucks.

I'm Funny

Sometimes (a lot of times) I have to be reminded of my best material. See, I'm throwing this stuff out left and right, and I don't always remember the gems. Someone I work with just told me about this beauty I produced a few weeks ago--and I have no recollection of saying it--but it sounds like me, alright, and I'm so glad that I did. And proud! I've been laughing for twenty minutes. To myself. About myself. Out loud. Oh, me! You're always me!

GUY IN OFFICE WITH GIRLFRIEND WHO HATES ME:

Anne, what should I get my girlfriend for her birthday?

ANNE:

Um, I dunno, why don't you fart in her face?

*Apparently there were sound effects accompanying this joke but I think it stands on its own.