I Know When I've Been Insulted

I just tore into a bag of Snyder's of Hanover Honey Wheat Stick Preztels With Sesame Seeds.

The bag didn't last long.

Then I see here in small font: "HUNGRY SIZE"

Fuck you, Synder's of Hanover Honey Wheat Stick Pretzels With Sesame Seeds. It's like you are assuming I wear Husky-sized Toughskins. Which I do, but you didn't know that until I just told you.

Cuba Lake Canoe

Cottage #1, Cuba Lake, NY ~ 8/06

Songs I Have Memories Of Playing Over and Over Again Until My Ears Bled

1. She's So Cold, The Rolling Stones
2. She's Got Legs, ZZ Top
3. The Devil Went Down to Georgia, The Charlie Daniels Band
4. Let It Whip, The Dazz Band
5. Boulevard, Jackson Browne
6. Downbound Train, Bruce Springsteen
7. You Better, You Bet, The Who

Two Great Tools Who Tool Great Together

Matt Dillon (center) cockblockin' Kate Hudson and Owen Wilson (but not well enough, apparently)

Kate Hudson and Owen Wilson. It's perfect! She's a philanderer and he's a tool! And his nose looks like a penis. Fantastic. Made in heaven.

My peeps, The Knuckleheads, know for sure what a tool he is. Listen to a true story they arranged and put to music. It's called "Tommy Made Owen Wilson Cry". (And apparently it wasn't too difficult.)

"'Tommy Made Owen Wilson Cry' taught me to hate Owen Wilson more than I ever thought I could hate someone who hadn't pissed me off personally...better than 'A Boy Named Sue!'" ~ Fametracker.com



Boy, do I love to hate. It's like my favorite thing.

Operculum

Wow! Would you look at that operculum! Yes, this is what a Google image search rounded up when I picked a random word--operculum-- in the dictionary*.

Operculum: a lid or covering flap, the hard bony covering of the gills of a fish, a body process or part that suggests a lid, etc.

Pictured here is the operculum of a perch. And you thought nothing interesting happened in Mr. Tippetts Biology Class!

Alright, when Celeste flushed the baby sharks for dissection down the toilet that was kind of interesting, but other than that...

Alright, alright, when Sharon told the teacher, "Eat me raw you asshole" and he heard her, but that's about it. Right?

Alright, ok maybe when the teacher was reading aloud the multiple choice answers to the test and vagina was one of the answers and instead of reading just "The answer is A" he said "The answer is vagina" and I cracked up and was sent out of the room, that was interesting, but that's about it.

* I still need a new name for this, your newest favorite feature on Two Can Anne. Suggestions are welcome.

Doodle Gettin' a Little Scratch From a Friend

Her highness Doodle, holding court in her throne. The people come far and wide to see her.

That Makes No Car Scents

All I'm saying is that when I get into a hired car, I'd like it not to smell like the hired driver. Can't he smell the stagnancy? The stanknancy? I mean, I understand they basically live in these cars, but a little breeze blown through it, perhaps a little Febreeze blown through it, these aren't bad things. A little awareness would be nice.

I'd like also not to feel guilt about immediately putting down both back seat windows.

Thanks.

I Hate Life

I do.

Of course, I'm referring to the board game LIFE. It's the worst fucking game. It's boring, and annoying. Then again, real life is a pretty lame game too. But that's for another post.

This post is devoted to the Worst Board Games. My sister and I would play it. We'd get the board game set up, and choose the cars, and the blue and pink pegs representing our families, and spin the colorful wheel with the th- th- th- th- th -th- th-th noise, drive a few spaces, refinance a few mortgages and then give up.

Who wants to recreate doing what they do when they're not recreating? Plus, let's say you're really good at LIFE. Does that mean you're good at life? Doubtful. You may put on a good show, Excellent LIFE Board Game Player, but deep down inside you're a miserable tool. Face it.

Alright, so LIFE bites. What else?

Things My Sister Has Said In the Past Without Irony

1. It was so white, it was pitch white. (Apprarently the thing was really white. As white as pitch is black.)
2. What's that soup called, gestapo soup? (Yes, but with less tomatoes and more swastikas)
3. That road has a lot of pinhead turns. (Danger!)
4. Underwear Drawer Smeller Upper (Referring to lavender sachets, not dirty underwear)
5. That was the needle that broke the camel's back. (Um...ok.)

She's a riot. There have been more Erinisms (that I can't seem to recall at this time) and there will be more in the future. You just can't force these things.

What Doodle Did Last Night

Her evening began on the sofa:



It then progressed to her brand new scratching post (birthday gift from me, her waitress)


When that got old, she took a trip...


...to you know where:

And all was right in the sink.

You're Grounded

Dear Claustrophobic Lady Who Disrupted the London to D.C. Flight,

You are claustrophobic. It's a type of crazy. You are not allowed to fly in planes, travel on trains, buses, boats, or any other type of public transportation. Buy yourself a car and freak yourself out. Or better yet, try the open-air travel a bike or skateboard will afford you. If we catch you doing anything crazy like this next time, we're going to shoot you.

You've been warned.

Thanks. Bye.

Love,

Anne

Doodle What You Want To Do

Sometimes you just want the food you want, how you want it, and when you want it. I like sliced beef and chicken products (occasionally tuna) in a small can, and I like to eat it served in thirds, because if you put too much out at once, it's going to get old, and I'm not going to eat it. This doesn't seem like a lot to ask, but apparently it is. This place is a dump.

Is It Possible To Inflict Pain Via a Punch Through the Radio?

One of the terrible things that can happen when listening to JackFM include:

Bad Day by Daniel Powter
Where is the moment we needed the most
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost
They tell me your blue skies fade to gray
They tell me your passion's gone away
And I don't need no carryin' on

You stand in the line just to hit a new low
You're faking a smile with the coffee you go
You tell me your life's been way off line
You're falling to pieces every time
And I don't need no carryin' on

Because you had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
The camera don't lie
You're coming back down and you really don't mind
You had a bad day
You had a bad day

Will you need a blue sky holiday?
The point is they laugh at what you say
And I don't need no carryin' on

You had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
The camera don't lie
You're coming back down and you really don't mind
You had a bad day

(Oooh.. a holiday..)

Sometimes the system goes on the blink
And the whole thing turns out wrong
You might not make it back and you know
That you could be well oh that strong
And I'm not wrong

(yeah...)

So where is the passion when you need it the most
Oh you and I
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost

Cause you had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
You've seen what you like
And how does it feel for one more time
You had a bad day
You had a bad day

The Kids Are Cuter In Western New York

Natalie, 8/7/06

And they pout harder. Doubt you can beat that pout.

Das Boathouse

See? I told you it was death defying!

When Do You Say When?

I think it's time to leave the office when you can't see in your right eye due to the huge hive that has unbeknownst to you, formed just beneath while you were tap tap tapping away on your database because clearly you're allergic to work, and this sudden unattractive ailment is a signal to GO THE FUCK HOME.

Don't mind if I do.

Cripes. You should see this thing. It's not gnarly, it's far worse--it's gnar-gnar. I don't remember ordering an under the eye allergic reaction. Anyone here order this and I got it by mistake? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? WTF?

Das Boat

Jump Off a Boathouse Will You?

There's a tradition over 50 years old at Cuba, New York's Cuba Lake, and that tradition is jumping off of Cottage #2's boathouse. It's kind of like cliff diving (pictured above) but much more difficult, as the water isn't deep enough to dive. The boathouse is the perfect height: not too high that you'll break your neck, but high enough to be exciting to the point of "Oh shit I can't do this I'll never survive" and then of course, you do.

Again, diving is not recommended-- but if you jump knowing that you may touch the bottom then you won't paralyze yourself. (Alright, most likely won't). You climb a huge rickety ladder up to the roof, and as you're looking over the edge, getting up the courage to jump, the hot tar shingles make the decision for you.

I hate rides and heights, and yet I've probably jumped 50 times since I was small. Sure, there was a lot of peer pressure involved. The youngest kid we know of to ever jump was 4 1/2, and the oldest kid 65. All it took for me to jump again after all these years was to hear that. The youngest to jump this year was my cousin's kid (my niece) Natalie, and she rocked it out 3 times!

Here are a few shots. Unfortunately, the chairs obstruct the view.

Shitty picture (because of course, I didn't take it) but here I am on the left side of my cousin. Tandem jump.

Makes you wonder who was possibly the first brave soul to make such a leap. Probably the same dude who climbed Mt. Everest or whatever.

I mean, it looks exactly like cliff diving, doesn't it?

Water Taxi Beach, NYC

Here's a cool dump in town. Well, Long Island City, to be exact. It's a great place to hit this summer. Water Taxi Beach boasts cheap beer, cheap eats, picnic tables, great views of the city, sand between your toes, eclectic crowd, and a DJ. Convenient access via NYC Water Taxi or the 7 train.

Do it.

Oh, and since there's no access to the biohazardous East River for swimming, they spritz you with a constant cool mist which echoes the surf. I thought someone may have been pissing into the wind but I was soon corrected. This is NYC afterall. Go early and stay into the evening to watch the sunset. It was relatively crowded when I arrived, but by the time I left, there was a line to get in. A LINE! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh, stop it!

Lines. I don't wait in lines. In this town? Absurd. Please.

Here are some shots from the day. I didn't post the ones with me in them because frankly, they're too hot for you.

The Only Dip In Town

Bison French Onion Dip. Now with more Bison. It's the best!

I refuse to burp up anything else.

It's the official Dip of the Buffalo Bills for cryin' out loud!