EXT. 4/5 SUBWAY STATION- PM RUSH HOUR
An mass of people spills up the stairs of the auxiliary end-of-platform entrance to 4/5. Anne Altman approaches this mass with a "Jesus Christ," and a sigh.
INT. 4/5 SUBWAY STATION
Anne descends the stairs at a snail's pace with another sigh. Others turn around and go back up the stairs with a "Fuck this," but Anne presses on. As she gets closer to the turnstiles, she sees that one (of two) is out of order as is one of two Metrocard machines(explains the line. A tech is fiddling with the Metrocard machine whilst a Transit worker is standing next to the broken turnstile screaming at the top of her tits at the line of people, particularly a man standing off to the side with two dollars in his hand.
TRANSIT WOMAN
This is one of FOUR entrances! Use another entrance! If you don't have a Metrocard, turn around and use another entrance! There are THREE OTHER ENTRANCES! Turn around and use another entrance!
STRAPHANGER #1
(Unintelligable)
TRANSIT WOMAN
I SAID, GO BACK UP THE STAIRS AND USE ANOTHER ENTRANCE WITH A BOOTH ATTENDANT! This is NOT, I repeat, the ONLY ENTRANCE!
STRAPHANGER #1
But I have a broken leg.
ANNE
(looks to see if his leg is broken, can't tell, but he is holding out two dollars pathetically)
STRAPHANGER#2
He said he has a broken leg! YOU'RE A NASTY WOMAN!
TRANSIT WOMAN
This is one of FOUR entrances! Use another entrance! If you don't have a Metrocard, turn around and use another entrance! There are THREE OTHER ENTRANCES! Turn around and use another entrance!
STRAPHANGER#2
Why are you such a nasty woman? Why you gotta be so nasty? You're a nasty woman!
TRANSIT WOMAN
I am just doing my job. I ain't doin nothin' but my job, and there are three other entrances.
STRAPHANGER#2
He says he got a broken leg! Here, man, I got an extra Metrocard (hands Metrocard to Straphanger#1) You nasty woman! Ain't no reason for you to be so nasty!
TRANSIT WOMAN
...
ANNE
(goes through turnstile and approaches platform)
STRAPHANGER#1
(goes through turnstile)
STRAPHANGER#2
(goes through turnstile) NASTY WOMAN! You're A NASTY WOMAN!
TRANSIT WORKER
I am just doing my job.
STRAPHANGER#2
(from other side of turnstile) What's your name and badge number, if you don't mind me askin'?
TRANSIT WORKER
...
ANNE
(walks back down the platform back to the edge to see what's going on)
STRAPHANGER#2
Huh? I asked you, what is your name and badge number if you don't mind me askin'?
Huh? All quiet now, huh? Yeah.
TRANSIT WORKER
...(drifts away from the turnstile and turns her back to STRAPHANGER#2)
STRAPHANGER#2
Thought so. YOU ARE A NASTY WOMAN! No reason to be so nasty! This is America! Nasty woman! (he shakes head with a scowl as he walks down the platform past me)
ANNE
Right on.
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Mortified Shoebox Show: New Episode!
New episode. Just launched. If you are a fan of fist fights, Liza Minelli, drama clubs, 8 Is Enough, and shoplifting, this week's episode is for you. The Mortified Shoebox Show
http://getmortified.com/videos
EPISODE: Everyone's a Critic
READER: Will Seymour
PLOT: Seeking refuge from bullies who ridicule his sexuality, a 15- year-old outcast joins the drama club. Only to encounter an even harsher reception. We've done a few pieces from Will's journals over the years (in books & on stage). And like many of his journals, this one broke our heart, stomped on it, and gave it back with a great big hug. We hope it does the same for you. If you like it, please tell your friends. You can also subscribe to our podcast in iTunes:
itpc://mortified.blip.tv/rss/itunes/
http://getmortified.com/videos
EPISODE: Everyone's a Critic
READER: Will Seymour
PLOT: Seeking refuge from bullies who ridicule his sexuality, a 15- year-old outcast joins the drama club. Only to encounter an even harsher reception. We've done a few pieces from Will's journals over the years (in books & on stage). And like many of his journals, this one broke our heart, stomped on it, and gave it back with a great big hug. We hope it does the same for you. If you like it, please tell your friends. You can also subscribe to our podcast in iTunes:
itpc://mortified.blip.tv/rss/itunes/
And you can Get Mortified all up close and personal:
Mortified: Live in NYC on February 11!
Hosted by Anne Altman
Produced by Anne Altman and Brandy Barber
9 pm
Tickets on sale now!
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
True Story
I want to beat the living fuck out of my vacuum cleaner and throw it out the window.
But then I wouldn't have a vacuum cleaner, so...
I will continue to suffer.
Just wanted to keep you in the loop.
But then I wouldn't have a vacuum cleaner, so...
I will continue to suffer.
Just wanted to keep you in the loop.
True Story
Idiot: You look different.
Me: What?
Idiot: You look better than usual.
Me: Don't talk to me.
Me: What?
Idiot: You look better than usual.
Me: Don't talk to me.
Where Do Babies Come From?
Do you want the truth?
CAN YOU HANDLE THE TRUTH???
Ok, then:
Click here for the True Story of How Babies are Made.
Then click each image to progess.
The True Story of How Babies are Made, by Per Holm Knudsen
Publisher: Chicago, Childrens Press [1973, ©1971]
Found on http://www.planetdan.net/
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
I Liked it Better When It Was the Tourist Fantasy Colony
Harrington Motel52241/2 Sunset Blvd.
Hollywood 27, California
Phone NOrmandy 6173 (I'll pick up on the first ring)
Name That Live Televised Sport
I saw a sporting event a few weeks ago on t.v. that had the following advertisers:
Name that sport.
Brilliant
Airwick Freshsweep Broom
Marketing Guy #1: We gotta move more stickup thingies. Sales are down.
Marketing Guy #2: Down?
Marketing Guy #3: Yeah. People don't just stick up a stick up in a dirty room and call it clean anymore. They're actually cleaning.
Marketing Guy #2: Actually cleaning?
Marketing Guy #3: Hmm. But how well are they cleaning. Frat boys may have graduated from college, but let's face it, they're doing a cursory job.
Marketing Guy#2: Cursory?
Marketing Guy #3: How about we stick a stickup to the end of a broom so they feel like they're doing a great job?
Marketing Guy #2: So...if I guy is using a broom to clean up a pile of puke it smells like flowers?
Marketing Guy #1 & #3: Pretty much.
Marketing Guy #2: Meeting adjourned? Who's hungry for lunch? I'm thinking Quiznos.
Marketing Guy #1: We gotta move more stickup thingies. Sales are down.
Marketing Guy #2: Down?
Marketing Guy #3: Yeah. People don't just stick up a stick up in a dirty room and call it clean anymore. They're actually cleaning.
Marketing Guy #2: Actually cleaning?
Marketing Guy #3: Hmm. But how well are they cleaning. Frat boys may have graduated from college, but let's face it, they're doing a cursory job.
Marketing Guy#2: Cursory?
Marketing Guy #3: How about we stick a stickup to the end of a broom so they feel like they're doing a great job?
Marketing Guy #2: So...if I guy is using a broom to clean up a pile of puke it smells like flowers?
Marketing Guy #1 & #3: Pretty much.
Marketing Guy #2: Meeting adjourned? Who's hungry for lunch? I'm thinking Quiznos.
Sans PantaloonsMonday, January 28, 2008
Two Thoughts
- I bought a $10 box in a Super Bowl pool today. I hope that the winnings won't change me too much. I will most likely hire some broad to clean my house, but I won't go buying planes and stuff.
- I used a plastic fork today on my salad that was really defective, but I was too busy/lazy/disinterested to get a sturdier version from the pantry, so I used it anyway. It was less a fork and more a stabbing instrument.
Mortified Makes Yahoo: People of the Web
Mary-Kate Olsen's Thought Process in Flow Chart Form
The cover of Thursday's New York Post asked, "Why, Mary-Kate, Why?" Presumably (I didn't read it) asking why she didn't immediately call 911. Here's why.
Submitted via email forward. Yay! Click to enlarge.
Submitted via email forward. Yay! Click to enlarge.
Friday, January 25, 2008
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