Thinkin' About Flying Somewhere for Vacation?

Think again.

Unless you've factored in extra time spent at the airport (I recommend 2+ extra days on average) + unspecified damages to your mental and physical health (the sky's the limit), well, then I'm not sure you can afford to go. If you want pain and suffering, why pay for it? You may as well just stay home and smack yourself in the face with a hammer.

I'd give you details about my commute to and from Buffalo International Airport, but I'm still in a semi-state of shock. Basically the list reads like this: Someone was gross, someone was rude, someone peed on the seat, someone was annoying, someone was ugly, someone was an asshole, someone sucked, someone blew, someone was ugly, someone smelled bad, someone had a bad job with TSA, someone liked to yell, someone liked to carry a lot of shit, someone liked to stand in the way of everything, someone didn't wash their hands, someone picked their nose the whole time, someone thought they were better than everyone else, someone really needed a punch in the face, someone needed to die. Alright, in the name of fair and balanced reporting, someone was good looking and someone was polite. And not just me, there was another guy too.

My advice for those of you forced into air travel this summer and beyond: Travel with a small carry-on backback with nary a toiletry save for a Chapstick in a Zip-lock bag, wear slip on shoes, bring something to read, check in at an automated kiosk, get in line for security, close your eyes, take a deep breath, go limp, and let yourself be sucked into the violent eye of the hurricane which will toss you around like a ragdoll in the dryer and shout at you at the top of its lungs until it spits you out on the other side where, with hope, you can order yourself a stiff fucking drink.