A Mail Carrier's Haste

Do you think Judy Altman will miss her Ladies' Home Journal this month? I just got up to my apartment and I've gotta say, I'm too lazy to go back down and straighten out the mishap. Plus, the cover story is 15 Ways to Stay in Love: By Dr. Phil and Robin McGraw, so...

How's Your Sticker Collection Holding Up?

The scratch n' sniffs don't seem to have a long shelf life in terms of sniffability, I find.

Burlesque Tonight

This evening I'm going to La Mama's (74th East 4th Street) upstairs theater at 8 pm to see a burlesque show produced by Honi Harlow, featuring herself, Jenn Wehrung, and several other sultry babes and perhaps some dudes. The really interesting feature about this show (other than the campy and suggestive T&A) is that a majority of the performers are deaf, as is most of the audience. I saw it last year, and it's really amazing. Highly recommended!

Harvey, North Dakota in 1900

Tell a Dude He Has Big Boobs and He Takes it the Wrong Way

I met a dude on Friday night who was hitting on me like a bum hits on a baloney sandwich. I told him he had big boobs.

BB: What??? Are you calling me fat?

Me: No, I'm saying you have big boobs.

It can be annoying when a highly-crafted insult is misinterpreted.

Happy Birthday, Willie Nelson!

Jimmy Day & Willie Nelson, circa 1955

Today the amazing Mr. Willie Nelson turns 74.

It goes without saying that everytime I hear this song I tear up a little bit.

Weird Wedding Photos Part MVCVLLVXVM

The BoSox Clobber the Yanks. Again.

I almost felt a tiny little bit sorry for them. Kind of.

Nah.

Meet "ly"

Classic Electric Company.

Anonymous New York: You Gotta Love It

Warning: Rated "I" for Immature.

The party in the unspectacular highrise with the spectacular penthouse and eastern view also had a pretty entertaning southern view as well, and a nice balcony from which to enjoy it.

Here are some folks earlier in the evening enjoying the southeastern view.

And later, more folks on the balcony. This time, giggling. At what? A bird?

Now, giggling and pointing due southwest. At what? A plane? The Empire State Building?

No, no, and no.

Well, what? What is all the excitement all about???

Oh, just a dude on the 38th floor of the highrise across the street getting a BJ from a lady person who was seated in the dude's pleather desk chair from Staples. Click on the picture, and you'll see what I mean. The show was over (for us) when she suddenly popped up into view after hearing a cheering crowd (us). Then the lights flicked off, but the Empire State Building remained lit until midnight. I was lit until about 4.

You Want I Should Take the Subway?

En route to Brooklyn, 4/28/07

Occasionally I'm Invited to Parties

Sometimes they're in penthouses. There was nothing beautiful about this particular monstrous highrise on the outside, but you can't beat the view from the 35th floor lounge.

View of the East River from the 35th Floor

East 40th Street @ Second Avenue, 4/28/07

Family Fun & French Horns

Anyone who knows me also knows how much I love glass figurines, especially glass figurines of French horns, because I love anything French and honestly, is there anyone out there who doesn't love horns? I don't like car horns, though, so if you give me a glass figurine of a car horn, I'm going to throw it against the wall.

I bring up my love of glass figurine French horns because I overheard a hilarious conversation on a crowded uptown 5 train this week. Two women and a man got on and shared my subway pole. The two women were evidently sisters, and the guy was either their friend or one of their husbands or boyfriends:

Younger Sister: (laughing) Remember the time we surprised Mom and Dad with an anniversary dinner on the back deck and you played the French horn while they ate?

Man: (laughing) No way.

Older Sister (laughing) Yeah, I think I played "We Didn't Start the Fire."

Younger Sister (laughing harder) Oh my God! "We Didn't Start the Fire!" (laughing)

Older Sister: Yeah. And I defintely played a medley.

Younger Sister: A medley! (laughing hysterically) Do you still have that French horn?

Older Sister: Somewhere, yeah.

~

Then they got off the train, and I started cracking up, picturing the scene myself. It still makes me laugh, and those people aren't even in my family. I wonder if their parents are still married.

Eldred, New York

Want to go on a 1906 straw (hay) ride? Try the Highland Lake Grove, in Eldred, New York. I'd call first to make sure they're still open, but Mama recommends it.

I Don't Know What the Deal With Muffins Is

But I was mesmerized by this muffin video. Disturbingly so.

You Are My Sunshine With Cousin Emmy

And a rubber glove.

I Had a Wicked Red Sox Day Yesterday By Myself With Others

I don't remember the last time I spent an entire day talking about the Red Sox and about myself. I hate talking about myself, but that comes up when you tell people you are a Red Sox fan in New York City. I realize that some of you don't care about the Red Sox. My friend Dan Curry has a joke about when he did a show in Boston one time, and someone asked him, "I hope you're not a Yankee fan!" and Dan replied, "I hope you don't think I give a shit about baseball!" But I know most you care deeply about me and my day yesterday (as Red Sox related as it may have have been), so I'm obliging, for majority's sake, and here you go.

As I mentioned earlier, I solo-attended the BLOHARD luncheon at the Yale Club yesterday, and being a crappy photojournalist (as well as a crappy regular-type journalist), I only snapped four pictures before my camera died. Here they are:

I took this shot in the elevator on the way up to the thing. If you were curious about the median age of the kids in the BLOHARDS club, the elevator shot should be a good clue. Look carefully.

Host Joe Cosgriff, John Pizzarelli (left) and part of his trio (right, with bass)

Radio's own Joe Castiglione and Red Sox pitcher Kyle Snyder

Here's the room. Beautiful space. I was also wearing a blue blazer with gold buttons too, so I fit right in. Minus the not wealthy, male, or old part.

Chris, one of the owners of Professor Thom's on 2nd Avenue and 13th Street (the site of the old Flamingo East) came to say a few words about his new bar and that it should be everyone's destination to watch Red Sox games as it's a safe place for fans in the city to watch NESN without restraint and unburdened by Yankee fans or other obnoxious distractions. Chris is from Brighton, and his Masshole accent was so thick it almost seem put on, and such a refreshing thing to hear at the Yale Club. I haven't heard it in awhile.

So, that night, I made sure to watch the last few innings of the game at Professor Thom's. It's a huge space and sure enough, because of the Sox/Yanks series it was crammed. Everywhere you look, you can see the game because the amount of televisions behind the bar, along each wall, and at a few booths (which you can reserve) personal flat screen televisions are placed like ye olde table-top juke boxes of yore.

Thom's played "Nessie" and "Sweet Caroline" and all the good stuff in between innings just like they do at Fenway, the food is good, and all of their cocktail waitresses wear little Red Sox jerseys. I asked one very tall and beautiful Ramirez, where she got her jersey and she said, "You'll have to ask my boss, I don't know, but I hear he (Ramirez) is supposed to be good." Well...he's been better. Anyway, the jerseys are from the Kids' Section at Paragon Sports. I'm gonna pick myself up an Ortiz one. The corner booth was rowdy with a Japanese camera crew who were filming the crowd and the Dice-K Matzusaka vs Godzilla Matsui matchup. They'll have tons of Masshole footage, that's for sure, as there was a group 10+ strong of Mass/NH fans who were in town for the game today. You guys know Kev, Jeff, and Mahk, don't you?

I'll be back to Thom's.

So far, the Sox lead the Yanks 1 game to zero in this series, making this the Yanks' 7th loss in a row.

GO SOX!

Etta James: My Kind of Broad

Here's Etta in 1982, singing the blues, rockin' an afro, a beach ball, and a kitchen towel as a sweat rag.

Pure.

Unabashed.

Soul.

Please, enjoy Etta James and the Blues Breakers with "You Got Me Runnin.'" I can't stop playing it; what a show that must have been!

Wing Sings: Mama Mia

The Police: So Lonely

Thursday Night at the D-Lounge Was Wicked Good

Anne Altman & Jackie Monahan

Baron Vaughn

Jackie Monahan

Dan Curry

Tom McCaffrey

Posse In Effect: T'was some good comedy, indeed. A lousy five beans for some excellent reasonably clean fun. Ok, it wasn't clean, but it was fun and excellent. And that's reasonable. They also happen to be much better looking in person. Oh, and it wasn't far from my house.

DMX and I Have Something in Common Besides Good Looks

From Matt Sears at Brandy Barber's suggestion. Thanks, peeps!

Long Liquid Red Sox Lunch at the Yale Club, Anyone?

Today I went to a Yale Club luncheon sponsored by the Boston BLOHARDS club, the contingency of Red Sox Nation who live in NYC. The acronym BLOHARDS stands for Benevolent and Loyal Order of Honorable and Ancient Red Sox Diehard Sufferers of New York. Needless to say, it was a good time. Blue blazers with gold buttons, white wine n' whiskey, chicken n' greenbeans, and Joe Castiglione himself interviewing the larger than life (6'8") Sox pitcher Kyle Snyder himself! Kyle and I may have been the youngest in attendance (minus the four year old working the door with his mother. He was also in a blue blazer with gold buttons and bow tie). Let's put it this way; if you are familiar with the '67 Sox, you would have been in good company and done well on the trivia portion of the afternoon.

Tonight the Sox face the Yanks for another 3-game series, this time at Yankee Stadium. Here's hoping things turn out like they did last weekend. I will have a few pictures to share with you from the lunch later on. At times I'm quite a crappy photojournalist, and sometimes I neglect to charge my camera battery. This was one of these times. What a jerk.

PS Guess who else was there? Oh, only John Pizzarelli, of Foxwoods Casino "Wonder of It All" fame! Believe it. Click on the link, I think the music starts up if you haven't heard it in ten minutes. He sang "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" & of course, "Wonder of It All," but I don't remember if he said "Foxwoods Yeah!" at the end. At any rate, he's Red Sox fan and those commercials have enabled him to purchase a nice house last year. He's at NYC's Birdland all week, kids!

Just Because: Satch Sanders

Satch Sanders, #16 at a time when the Celtics weren't the Cubs of basketball.

(Sorry, Cubs. Your day will come. Love you. Mean it. Call me.)

Friday Funtime Video For You

I Really Miss My Grandmother

Is there anyone out there who really doesn't miss their grandmother? I mean, my Grama was a kickass grandmother. If you had an asshole-ish grandmother I can understand why you wouldn't miss her, but mine was awesome, and even though she had ten kids and 30 grandkids, she'd find room to love you too. But she's dead now, so you missed out. Sorry.

Who Is Not a Toast Fan?

I mean, seriously, is there anyone out there who doesn't like toast? C'est challenge: EVERYONE LIKES TOAST! My grandmother really, really, really liked toast. I can tell you that.

Where Were You In 1972?

Sure, Count will remind you of an Armenian priest, and Cookie of a frat boy, but their meeting for the very first time was memorable, to say the least. Don't get distracted; it's really all about the cookies.

So I'll Have To Say I Love You in a Song, Ayite?

However you gotta do it, dude.

Refreshing Idea From Anne

Hey, if you have what we in modern times call a "land line" and dislike coming home to a lot of messages on what we in "olden times" called an answering machine, I have a helpful suggestion:

Get really super old timey and don't have an answering machine. It really works*!


*Not recommended for people who complain about getting a lot of messages but truthfully really enjoy it deep down

**In the interest of full disclosure, I personally don't have an answering machine for three reasons:
1) Relentless stalkers (and talkers)
2) My number is one digit away from a local pizza place and during football season life becomes a living hell if I answer the phone
3) My Radio Shack phone/answering machine combo broke and I'm too lazy to replace it
4) Why do I still have a land line? The apocalypse. Duh

Anne's Fashion Tips For Someone Who'll Never Read Them

I am not perfect, no. Not even close. But I do consider myself to be considerate to a fault. The black slacks I wore to work today were sloppy because they're too big for me in the crotch and the thighs (they're Old Navy, whaddaya want from me) and I looked more like a janitor than an office worker person, but at least they weren't too small. Pants that are too small render one looking like ten lbs of sausage in a 5 lb bag with your junk poking out here and there for the world to see, and that is an assault on eyes of the public. I wouldn't do that to you, people.

Yesterday was a miserable rainy day, and I found myself walking behind the woman pictured here who was struggling for, yet not acheiving, what could be considered fashionable had she taken a few extra steps. Nice hair? Check. Nice jacket and bag? Check, check. What ended up happening to her from the waist down made her uncomfortable and my eyes bleed. She had what appears to be a large butt, yes, but it's an average American-sized ass, really. My problem with her ass is not it's size, but it's lack of containment within her skirt. If you have a high and tight butt like a gymnast with two perky grapefruits for buttocks, then you don't need to read on. If you're like the rest of us, and your ass has character like sagging, cellulite, anomalies here and there, then you may not toss on this skirt without Spanx (lycra girdle) or similar type of smoothing mechanism. Why? Because people are looking at your butt. Especially men. And men are gross, and they don't deserve to see that much of your butt unless you're sleeping with them. Or if they paid you. And if every dude on the street paid you for a glance at your butt, you'd never have to walk anywhere again because you could afford to pay people to walk for you.

Let us now zoom in on her feet, shall we?

Ugh, what we women suffer through for fashionable footwear! The poor thing obviously wore some unforgivably torturous shoes prior to yesterday which plagued her ankles with blisters, so she had to go clod-hopping around town in the chilly rain with the backless mule. But what about us, and our eyes? What about me? A few bandaids, some socks and sneaks--while not techincally fashionable--would have been a much better for choice for her comfort-wise and fashion-wise because blisters like that will ruin any outfit. And the eyesight of the public. Or just me, because I'm an a-hole. But you're reading this blog, so that makes you an a-hole too. I know I bring out the rotten in you and you love it.

Weird Wedding Photos Part MCLLMCXXXV

I know it's pretty obvious, but may I point out anyway that the bride has given birth to a 6 year child on her wedding day by shooting it out of her ass? Amazing.

Doodle Isn't Impressed With You So You May As Well Relax

Not impressed.

Doodle, 4/26/07

Weird Wedding Photos Part MVCCLLVX

I'm Thinkin' Tonight of My Blue Eyes

Maybelle, AJ, & Sara Carter, 1920's

I'M THINKING TONIGHT OF MY BLUE EYES


'Twould been better for us both had we never
In this wide and wicked world had never met,
For the pleasure we've both seen together
I'm sure, love, I'll never forget.

Oh, I'm thinking tonight of my blue eyes
Who is sailing far over the sea.
I'm thinking tonight of my blue eyes
And I wonder if he ever thinks of me.

Oh, you told me once, dear, that you loved me;
You said that that we never would part.
But a link in the chain has been broken
Leaves me with a sad and aching heart.

When the cold, cold grave shall enclose me
Will you come dear and shed just one tear
And say to the strangers around you
A poor heart you have broken lies here
~

Sung by Sara Carter. Recorded on 2/14/29 Camden, NJ
Here is the Carter Family (minus AJ Carter): Maybelle (on left) & Sara (on right) singing "Canonball Blues" at a family reunion back in the day:

Cubicle Life: It's Square

If one of my cubemates comes over to my cube and says or does something which irritates me, I shout, "Get in your hole!"

It leaves them speechless, generally. Sometimes they reply, "Why don't you get in your hole!" And I go, "I'm already in my hole." So then they go back into their hole and the whole thing is over pretty quickly.

Lost Dog

As I walked out of a doctor's office this morning on Tenth Street, I heard the sounds of dog tags behind me when a light brown mutt of pit bullish descent trotted right by, on a mission, with no human companion. When I realized he was alone, I ran after him, passing other folks on the street who would whip their heads around after they realized he was going solo as well, but I couldn't catch him. I got close enough to grab his collar when he got startled, barked, and sprinted faster down the sidewalk. In the distance I could see him crossing Broadway without looking both ways. He made it across, and has ID tags, but he's lost. Boo. I'm glad I didn't lose an arm or an eye to the pooch, but I'm bummed I didn't catch him. Sort of matches my mood today.

Congratulations, Class of 1928!

Today you graduate from North Carolina Baptist Hospital School of Nursing! Hip Hip Hooray! Hip Hip Hooray! Hip Hip Hooray! Who's psyched to be a nurse! Those of you not excited about your new careers, raise your hand! Whoo Hoo!

Being a Human is Hard

In my next life, I'm coming back as a rock. That's gotta be easier. Longer hours, sure, but less work in the long run.

Weird Wedding Photos Part MCLLMCXXX

Release a pair of doves in a strapless wedding gown and it's not the only thing you'll release.

By the by, females going topless in public is legal in New York City**, people, so this photograph* is technically not illegal or unsafe for work. Make sure you tell your boss that when he fires you. Breasts are breasts, man***. Calm down, already. All it is, is National Geographic: Manhattan Edition.

* had it been taken in a subway station

** from www.uslaw.com: "The New York City Transit Authority has ruled that women can ride the city subways topless. New York law dictates that if a man can be somewhere without a shirt, a woman gets the same right. The decision came after arrests of women testing the ordinance on the subways. A transit police spokesman said they would comply with the new rule, but "if they were violating any other rules, like sitting on a subway bench topless smoking a cigarette, then we would take action."

***unless they've been incredibly or grotesquely enhanced in the form of beanbags or dodge balls

****boobeez

Weird Wedding Photos Part MVCLLVC

Weird Wedding Photos Part MCLVVVCXIV

Weird Wedding Photos Part MCLLMCXIVIXV

A Diagram of a Cat's Insides

Dogs In Germany Don't Say Bow Wow

They say Bow Vow.

That's what I'm guessing, anyway.

Here is a diagram of a dog's outside and inside. Enjoy.

You Say Tomato

I say the gout.

I'm Ready For a Brand New Start, Who's With Me?

You comin'? Awesome. Let's rent at first, before we buy. Just to make sure, you know that it's better than this dump and whatnot, which I'm sure it is, so it's still awesome. An awesome idea.

Mistaken Lyrics: Scorpio

In Junior High I used to go over to this one friend's house after school to hang out. I'll call her Kelly. Kelly, who happened to be a Rolling Stones fan and a Scorpio, belted out "Scorpi-oh!" with such verve and conviction into her hairbrush one afternoon that I immediately regretted killing her buzz by telling her that it was actually "Start Me Up." She was kind of a hothead with some pretty abrupt mood swings. I seem to remember that she called me a liar and kicked me out of her house. Mood swing people are selfish. Oh, and crazy. She also used to call Nike sneakers "Nykes," but I guess we all did back then, before they changed the world. She had Nykes before I did, but hers were discount from Marshall's and were tan nylon with a dark brown swoosh, like poo and poop color. So I wasn't too envious. Just a little bit envious. Everyone knows that the classic was the blue with yellow swoosh, anyway. I'll wait for those, thank you very much. I'll put a hold on cool for awhile and make sure I get it right instead of shooting my load too soon with the poo and poop shoes. Swoosh.

Mistaken Lyrics: Livin' in the Bronx

Until a few days ago, I was groovin' away like an a-hole to "Sexy Back" when I was taught that Justin Timberlake is not actually saying "Go ahead... be goin...'" but instead, "Go heavy, Go with it." I was schooled. Until, that is, I found the lyrics online and they're "Go ahead, be gone with it..." so whatever, peoples.

I tell you what though, I sure got a howl out of my friend Martin's "Living in the Bronx...Living in the Bronx...It's a put on...Livin' in the Bronx..." as "Eminence Front" blared on the stereo one evening. When I enlightened him (sometimes I enlighten), I remember he said, "What the hell does "eminence front" mean?" Exactly. What does it matter if you're singin' away having a good time? It's all a put on. Please, put your hands together for The Who, and "Eminence Front."

Mistaken Lyrics: Paragoo Twist

What's the Paragoo Twist? It's what my friend thought Billy Ocean was singing when he was actually saying Caribbean Queen. Nothing is funnier than being around someone when they sing the wrong crap because the word or phrase that is mistaken for the real lyric is always ridiculous. He had no friggin' idea what Paragoo Twist meant, but he sang it anyway and figured Billy Ocean knew what it meant and that was enough for him. My favorite part of this song? The beginning: "She's simply...awesome." The Paragoo Twist and the Caribbean Queen. Both simply awesome. Just a side note, I'm more of a person who says "CAH-ribbean" rather than "Car-ra-bbe-an" but I suppose that's neither here nor there.

Yo, Nice Socks

You can't be trusted, kid.

When I See Someone With a Smallpox Vaccination Scar

I think to myself, "That person is immunized against smallpox." And thank goodness they are, because smallpox is nasty. I couldn't even post a picture of what it does to a person it was so gross. Slightly grosser than Weird Wedding Photos.

Weird Wedding Photos Part MLVXXIVX

Weird Wedding Photos Part MVCLLMXV

Who in the bride's Friends and Family Program okayed the strapless gown? The only thing it flatters is her penis.

Plumbing Diagram

Escutcheon. One of my favorite words. I'm going to encorporate it into my vocabulary as much as I can. In the meantime, Happy Tuesday! Have a nice escutcheon.

Wicked Big Mussels

Beach at Beverly, Massachusetts, 4/23/07