Doodle Took a Piss on My Bed

Can you believe this? While I watched men watch men play golf for 12 hours, Doodle managed to knock out not only the fresh sheet and blanket I hastily tossed on the mattress and curled myself into for the wee hour of sleep I got today with a nice big private piss festival, but she also, for good measure, slashed the F out of the mattress cover, shredding it to ribbons just the right amount to give the piss a chance super soak itself into my very expensive foam mattress. You know it, not the kind with the different numbers and the Bionic Woman bragging about it, but the kind where the broad jumps up and down in her pajamas next to the full glass of red wine? I'd like to see that same commercial done with that same broad (or another broad) jumping up and down next to not a glass of red wine, but a hairy, 6 lb. pissed-off pissbag full of piss named Doodle.  Who also happens to be a a shape shifter in the form of a hairy, 6 lb. pissed-off shitbag full of shit, on your bed, depending on the circumstances. 

FREE CAT. INQUIRE WITHIN. 

My Guess on the Moral of This Tender Tale*: 

Attempting to save 30 cents a can on cat food by purchasing dog food will cost you $300. 

It's like trying to color your hair at home for a little savings.  It always seems like a good idea, but it never is. And the only always about it is that you always end up paying thrice for repairs and the only thing that it saves is your dignity. Bad hair color is bad, folks. (I'm talking to you too, dudes. Get a life. Pay a lady.) 

And then you want to toss your cat out the window. Nobody wins. Except Doodle (she'd die to be tossed out the window). 

*More Likely: What to Expect When You Bring a Wild Animal into Your Home