Spankees Turn Into Rapists, Yo

So...don't spank your kids. Unless you want to leave a legacy of rapists behind, and well, perhaps that's something to be proud of where you come from.

The article doesn't say crap about beating brats with beating machines, so... beat away. Enjoy.

Braddock, PA

July, 1912

Dear Aunt Mary,

This is the main street. We live not far from this so you can just picture what kind of a hole Braddock is like. I would like a change. Drop us a line if you have time...

W.D.

Happy Leap Year!

Congratulations, Leap Year babies of the universe.

Speaking of Leap Year babies, my dear friend Doug Moot turns 11 today.

Happy Birthday, Mooty! Only ten more years until your first drink. Think you can wait?

Moot on the Toot, Cuba Lake, NY ~ 8/07

Guess not.

Happy Birthday!

Beer? Drugs? Cafe? Beer? I'm There!

Dee's Cafe, July 1941. "On the Main Street of Cascade, Idaho."

35mm Kodachrome transparency by Russell Lee for the Farm Security Administration.

We're in a "Slowdown?"

Slowdown? ? ? Cute euphemism for hell in a hand basket, pal.





Per The Onion, "Bush Vows to Make It Up To Country Somehow."

Here's GW holding his breath on that.

The Whitest Kids U' Know: Timmy Williams

Timmy Williams, everybody. Timmy says, "Once you break it down to the basics, there's really only two life paths that a person can follow: The Happy Retard or The Heartbroken Genius."

I dunno. I think Timmy's a combo of the happy genius kind, but only he really knows. (And clearly I'm a heartbroken tard.) Check out his his blog, Robot Armageddon for chicken nuggets* and info about Timmy, his troupe The Whitest Kids U'Know, his show The Kingdom of Heaven with John F. O'Donnell or his talent for hosting/singing karaoke.

*There's no info about chicken nuggets but I figured there could be.

Word to the Wise

Passport photos.



You know they're gonna be bad.



No reason to take one when you're feeling like you're coming down with a cold, right?



I got mine taken today regardless. Clearly it was a mistake.

I'm having them retaken tomorrow.

I Think We're Dying...I Think We're Dead

This has been cracking me up all day, so it's my obligation to share.

Why they eat so much, yo?

To Whom it May Concern (read: Doodle)

To Whom it May Concern (read: Doodle),

Sure, I had a few drinks last night after work and returned home in sloppy shape, but I do distinctly remember taking off two diamond hoop earrings and placing them on the bookcase with the other jewelry I removed before retiring. Why, then, did I awake to a ring on the floor, and only one earring on the bookcase? Surely you have enough toys to kick around the joint--jingle balls, super balls, milk top thingies, Q-tips, etc. Did you really need a toy encrusted in diamonds? Couldn't you have messed around with one of the red plastic pair of hoops from Claire's that I just got? I mean, honestly? Seriously? WHERE THE FUCK IS MY EARRING?

Thanks,

Anne

A Parenting Story

Kid: Why didn't we get the Lady & the Tramp DVD? Now it's going back in the Disney vault and we can't get it for another ten years.

Mommy: What?

Kid: I asked you if we could get Lady & the Tramp when they were selling it, and now it's not for sale.

Mommy: You did? Well, what'd I say?

Kid: You told me to "get a life."

Mommy: I did?

Kid: Yeah.

Mommy: Oh. Sorry about that.

Weird Wedding Photos Part MVLMMVMCLM

Dear Mothers of the Bride & Groom,

We realize and embrace the beauty of the Over 50 Woman--you're gorgeous!

However, we can't condone your choice of strapless---let alone sleeveless-- gowns:

Unless, of course, you were looking to distract the eye from the bride and groom on their most very special day with your respective flubberous, blubberous upper arm festivals--and if that's the case, you've surely succeeded. Brava, ladies!

Love,

Us, the Sighted People of the Public

So You Say You Want to Kill and Dismember Your Wife

So you strangle her and cut her up in a machine shop. Assuming you don't want to be caught for this crime, where, do you think, is a good place to hide her torso?

1. In a fresh chopped grill feast for your dog
2. In Liza Minelli's pants
3. In a container in your garage

Two Dirty Looks Down From a Dozen

My commute this morning was relatively easy. Chalk it up to Qi Gong, overall fitness, a good night's rest, or complete resignation, I only gave two dirty looks on my subway ride.

One look said:

I realize you're getting off, a-hole, but there's nowhere to move, and I'm also getting off at this stop, so why don't you calm down and don't worry about it, okay?

The other said:

I am disturbed by just how much I would enjoy shoving that iPhone/Blackberry/Trio device up your ass.

Heidi's Really Into Heidi...

...and she's also really into Real estate, Louisville, Kentucky and pictures of herself. Specifically, real estate in Louisville, KY and pictures of herself selling it and whatevs.

Click here for Heidi's wedding tips, and click here for a shot from her wedding, where she's super into it. Guess which one's the horse?

Anne's A-Hole Things to Say

Lately, I've been saying the following, out loud, to myself, and others:

• "I'm really into fitness."

• "I'm like, super into fitness and stuff."

• "It's just that I'm all about fitness."

If you're looking for an obnoxious way to distance yourself from friends, family, and just about everyone you come into contact with, including yourself, feel free to use any of those lines. It's a a tad more obnoxious than what I used to say:

• "I'm really into drugs."

• "I'm like, super into drugs and stuff."

• "It's just that I'm all about drugs."

Feel free to tweak the phrase by adding the noun of your choice:

• "I'm really into blogs."

• "I'm like, super into blogs and stuff."

• "It's just that I'm all about blogs."

One gets pretty much the same a-hole result. Enjoy!

Anne's New Standards & Practices

I have begun to call the filing cabinet on which the aptly labeled "Current Marketing Materials" rest as the Bluefly Accessories Wall.

Extinct Giant Sea Turtle

Kick Ass Dog of the Week: Faith

Faith gives a ridiculous new meaning to "walk the dog." And this bitch doesn't need your help, yo.

My Family Drinks And We Don't Hit Each Other

You likey? Get the t-shirt!

From marriedtothesea.com

Thinking About Flying Somewhere in 1955?

Here's what's on the menu:

2/5/07

Broadway @ Cortlandt Street, NYC

I don't know if I'm voting so much on HOPE this time (2004 dashed all illusions of "hope") as I'm voting on "Can we just get the current a-holes out of the White House already so we can stop the hemoraging and make room for more a moderate a-hole whom preferably isn't yet another white dude?"

Before You Bitch About That Cube Again

Sure, you don't have an office and you "deserve" one. I get it, I understand, I completely relate to your pain. But before you go trashing the fact that you work in a slightly less smelly version of a slaughterhouse, behold this cube, this desk, this office space.

Here's your cube, with your ubiquitous pics of your strange looking spawn, your various Post-It notes, certificates, office supplies. Check.

And your printer. Normal, average printer. Check.

Here's a shot of the crap under your desk. Nothing unusual, ok. Check.

Book in the windowsill of your desk, "The Art of Happiness at Work" by His Holiness the Dalai Lama. Nothing unusual there. Check.

Here's a closeup of your weird kid again, this time on your monitor, cleverly surrounded with "Sign Here" flags. Check.

Sure, just your average office cube, except that your back is to 74th and Broadway, and everybody knows your business. Including me and my friend DeeAnne:

So, remember that the next time you feel that crusty boog in your nose, and you're lamenting the lack of an office in which to pick it. And I'm talking to me.

So a Strange Dude Says to Me on the Street

"I can't believe they want me to shave my mustache! Can you believe that? I can't shave it, I'm missing a tooth. Man."

Happy President's Day From the Office

Hello?hellohellohellohello
Echo? echoechoechoecho

Kick Ass Blog of the Week: Married to the Sea

marriedtothesea.com




marriedtothesea.com

marriedtothesea.com

You Know What Might Possibly Cheer Me Up Right Now?

A good old fashioned White Sale.

Happy Valentine's Day, People!

I hope you're all out there enjoying yourselves and whatnot that people do on this day, I honestly can't be bothered anymore. I seem to remember something about love or some shit? Not sure, memory fuzzy. Doodle celebrated Valentine's Day early by taking a dump comprised of 4 or 5 rock hard nuggets in the corner of my bedroom and spent the rest of the night hiding under the chair in shame.

If you MUST send an e-card, send the very best: www.someecards.com

Got Live Music? Salazar

Checked out a groovy band called Salazar a few weeks ago at Club Midway on Avenue B. Salazar's got jam band feel, an indy rock flavor, and songs with thoughtful lyrics to boot. Plus, they've got a keyboardist, yo! Who doesn't love the trippy sounds from a keyboard? Only a jerk. Read about their debut album, Cinemetocracy here.

Drums & Vocals - John Federico
Bass & Vocals - Jesse Greendyk
Vocals & Guitar - Nate Gowtham
Piano & Keys - Michael Kester

Mortified's Comix Debut: Mortifyingly Amazing!

Almost 200 people showed up to Comix on a very chilly Monday night to see 9 brave souls (including myself as host) mortify the crap out of ourselves in front of total strangers and according to the Laff-o-Meter, they were glad they did. If you were one of those folks, thank you! If not, check out www.getmortified.com more information on future show dates.

The lineup included (pictured below left to right) Jenn Wehrung, Boni Joi, Jake Goldman, Angela Lovell, and Jessie Paolucci. Not pictured are Brooke Van Poppelen and Michael Cyril Creighton, whom one or the other was onstage and being viewed onscreen in the green room to the obvious delight of the rest of the cast:

And last but not least, pictured below is my co-producer Brandy Barber, whom also read from her diary and penned the infamous line (one of several), "Ugly bitch Jamie* has her finger up her ass & hopefully she'll die!"

*name changed to protect the ass fingerer

Click here for pictures from the show by Anya Garrett.

www.getmortified.com

Mortified's Comix Debut Tonight!

Mortified!

Comix! 9 pm!

Order tickets here and save $5 by using discount code: MORT

Feed an Animal For Free With a Simple Mouse Click?

OK!

Beholder Art

Featured Artist:

Mike Monteiro

"Untitled (pussy)"
gouache on paper

14" x 11"$150.00

Affordable emerging art from www.beholder-art.com

Meet You in Hell

What else am I doing this weekend in between meals of toaster oven pizza crammed into my piehole whilst standing at the kitchen counter? Well, reading this fascinating book, as a matter of fact. Check it.

Meet You in Hell by Les Standiford

The 1979 Seldom Scene: Rider

Members of the 1979 Seldom Scene: John Duffey (Mandolin), Ben Eldridge (Banjo), Mike Auldridge (Dobro), Phil Rosenthal (Guitar), & Tom Gray (Bass)

Seldom Scene's "SCENEchronized" is nominated for 2008 GRAMMY - Best Bluegrass Album

What Up, Doodle?

Doodle, 2/9/08

Spirit Air's Crazy Ronnie Sale! Expires Tonight!

Hi, Kids!

Do you like to go places? Do you like to fly to get there? Have you no money? Then you need to check out Crazy Ronnie! Fares as low as $9? He's craaaaazy!


Here's a sampling of Spirit Air Crazy Ronnie flights which leave from LaGuardia Airport in NYC:


New York (LaGuardia) To:
$9 Fare Club (You must be logged into the $9 Fare Club to access these fares.)
To:
Myrtle Beach
$19* Each Way
3/1, 3/4, 3/10, 3/16, 3/17, 3/22, 3/23, 3/24, 3/31

Non-Member Sale Fares (These great fares are available for everyone!)
For travel between 2/21/08 and 5/21/08
Tuesdays and Wednesdays
Mondays and Thursdays

Detroit
$59* Each Way
$69* Each Way

Myrtle Beach
$69* Each Way
$88* Each Way

Fort Lauderdale
$74* Each Way
$88* Each Way

Freeport, Bahamas
$79* Each Way
$99* Each Way

Las Vegas
$99* Each Way
$109* Each Way

Los Angeles (LAX)
$99* Each Way
$109* Each Way

Nassau, Bahamas
$99* Each Way
$109* Each Way

San Juan, Puerto Rico
$99* Each Way
$119* Each Way

Cancun, Mexico
$104* Each Way
$129* Each Way

Kingston, Jamaica
$109* Each Way
$129* Each Way

Montego Bay, Jamaica
$109* Each Way
$129* Each Way

Punta Cana, DR
$109* Each Way
$129* Each Way

St. Thomas, US Virgin Islands
$109* Each Way
$129* Each Way

Santo Domingo, DR
$119* Each Way
$139* Each Way


--

Fares must be booked by 11:59 PM ET on February 8, 2008

Anne's Exciting Weekend

You can reach me at Tomorrow's Pharmacy Today:

Brockie Medical Center Pharmacy

Country Club Road at Richland Ave.

York, PA.

Tomorrow's Pharmacy Today

THIS NEW AND UNIQUE PHARMACY IS THE FIRST OF ITS KIND IN PENNSYLVANIA TO BE CERTIFIED BY THE AMERICAN PHARMACEUTICAL ASSN.



OWNED AND OPERATED BY PHARMACISTS JOHN MADDUX AND BLAINE MILLER, THE CENTER WILL SPECIALIZE IN PROFESSIONAL SERVICES.

Photo by Simon

Did You Know?

Before you start salivating over this short rib, you need to know one thing:

It's fake.

I found it on fake-foods.com while searching for faux food products. Why?


Well, today at lunch, I discovered that those over-stuffed sandwiches that they have on display at Subway are fakes. True story. I pulled the cover off of the thing and poked at it. Plastic lettuce, plastic meat, plastic olives. Makes sense, how could that stacked up meat parade stay so fresh all day long? Fake sandwich.





I want one.

Happy Year of the Rat!

"A Rat Year is a time of hard work, activity, and renewal. This is a good year to begin a new job, get married, launch a product or make a fresh start. Ventures begun now may not yield fast returns, but opportunities will come for people who are well prepared and resourceful. The best way for you to succeed is to be patient, let things develop slowly, and make the most of every opening you can find. People born in an Earth Rat are said to be logical realists, shrewd, charming, ambitious, and inventive. Of course, the entire horoscope must be considered when making any personality assessment."


What are you?

New England Lost Ski Area Project

Hogback Mountain, Vermont

We weren't a traditional ski family growing up, but I was raised in New England, like to ski and I love history, so it's no surprise that Bill Pennington's article in the Escapes Section of the January 25th New York Times featuring the New England Lost Ski Area Project--www.nelsap.org--was of particular interest to me. NELSAP is a project created by Jeremy Davis nine years ago which collects, preserves and, according to the website, "celebrates the history of 587 lost ski areas in New England and 71 elsewhere!" Changing times and disappearing places are a fact of life, but thankfully Jeremy Davis was thoughtful enough to document stuff before it's forgotten forever.

The Rejection Show's Valentine's Day Heartbreak Haven Returns!

image from http://www.capeflorist.com/

FEBRUARY 14, 2008
8PM - 1AM
Upright Citizen's Brigade Theater
307 West 26th Street
Between 8th and 9th Avenue


TICKETS AVAILABLE HERE!

The cult-favorite live comedy series The Rejection Show and Mortified join forces for an evening of their best breakup, heartbreak and love related performances from shows past ---blending into and evening of love song karaoke, live music, DJ, free drinks and partying.


If you’re single, feeling alone, rejected, don’t have a date or don’t like traditional Valentine’s Day routines then The Upright Citizen’s Brigade Theater is the place to be on Valentine’s Day ‘08!

Don't feel left out, happy couples. All are welcome to party and see some hilariously heartbreaking performances and join the fun.


"Find someone to french!"


Featuring HEARTBREAKING fast performances from:

Jon Friedman
Claudia Cogan
Adam Wade
Sara Schaefer
Annabelle Gurwitch
Katina Corrao
Adrianne Frost
Matt Goldich
Michelle Collins
Greg Johnson
Baron Vaughn
Mandy Stadtmiller
Meital Dohan
Gabriel Delahaye
Brandy Barber
Kaet Perna
Anne Altman
& More!

LIVE MUSIC FROM:
THE DEFIBULATORS
LEIBYA ROGERS
STUCKEY AND MURRAY

AND WHO KNOWS WHO ELSE MIGHT STOP BY!

TICKETS AVAILABLE HERE!
$10
(one ticket for the whole night)

"BEST OF OFFBEAT NIGHTLIFE"
AMERICA ONLINE

"BEST OF NYC"
THE VILLAGE VOICE

"BEST VARIETY SHOW"
ECNY AWARDS


What is The Rejection Show?
The Rejection Show is a comedic based event that embraces the rejected and "turned down" material of professional and amateur writers, comedians, cartoonists, artists, and human beings whom display their creative “failures” live on stage.

What is Mortified?
Mortified is a comic excavation of teen angst artifacts (journals, letters, poems, lyrics, home movies, stories and more) as shared by their original authors before total strangers.

Would you like to see The Rejection Show
and other Tremendous Rabbit Productions
at your venue or college?
Contact Jon Friedman to find out how.


"For most people, rejection means a bottle of Jack and a pint of Ben & Jerry’s. But for one comedic genius, rejection has meant a cult hit show, national recognition, and now --a book deal? Rejected: Tales of the Failed, Dumped & Cancelled author Jon Friedman first gave life to The Rejection Show after he found himself passed over for a job at Comedy Central and, worse, dumped. Since then the invariably hilarious lineup of rejected New Yorker comics, Late Show sketches, and dismissive childhood sweethearts has featured a variety of New York personalities. Check out the failures and the mayhem if you are sucker for bloopers and outtakes, or just revel in others’ disappointments." -NEW YORK MAGAZINE

"On the surface, The Rejection Show is a mere demonstration of unsuccessful work by usually successful comedians, writers, filmmakers, and cartoonists. Deep down, though, it provides an interesting look into the thought processes of magazine editors, network executives, and others who wield power."
–THE ONION

"If The New Yorker has rejected your cartoon, if 'SNL' has fired you, if Conan doesn't think you're funny enough, host Jon Friedman just might. The Rejection Show is a pastiche of writers and actors who didn't make the cut, and its cult audience can't imagine why."
–AMERICA ONLINE

"Who knew being shown the door could be so much fun..."
–CHARLES GIBSON, ABC NEWS

"The Rejection Show has gotten so much mainstream press that we suspect people are purposefully botching the pitches they care most about, and then "settling"
for showing them off here."
-THE L MAGAZINE

"The highlight is watching the performers vibe off the audience's laughter, turning what could've been a negative into the ultimate live validation."
–THE VILLAGE VOICE

"Ever wonder what you're not seeing? Each month comedians perform pieces that have been rejected by anything from Conan O'Brien to The New Yorker..."
–TIMEOUT NEW YORK

“Novelists, TV writers, stand-up comics, cartoonists, filmmakers, recording artists, dramatists, and poets come together for a friendly but edgy celebration of failure.”
–LA TIMES

"Rejection hurts. Luckily, this hurt comes from laughing so hard you pull a muscle. Comic Jon Friedman offers a ‘Summerfest of Rejection’ -- TV sketches, movie pitches, and New Yorker cartoons go from the cutting-room floor to Mo Pitkin's. Friedman cracks us up all summer by making his previously sporadic Show quasi-weekly."
-FLAVORPILL

"In New York, audiences are finding that failure is fun!"
–ABC NEWS

"'The Rejection Show' is a refuge for the rebuffed, a haven for the heave-hoed,
a destination for the deep-sixed."
–NEWSDAY

"A show like this is like the ultimate catharsis, for sure."
--NY DAILY NEWS

"Like a gang of Farmer Ted’s leading the geeks through the brutal, estranged halls of high school, the Rejection Show features some of NY’s finest rejected writers and performers, in this comedy-centric event."
-THE L MAGAZINE

"…Not just a brilliant idea, it’s a well executed one."
–COMEDY CENTRAL

"'What do you get when you display a whole bunch of stuff that didn’t make the cut
at the New Yorker, Conan, and a bevy of other shows and publications?
Evidently, some funny shit.”
–GAWKER

"True to it’s maxim, ‘Just because it’s been rejected doesn’t mean it’s not good,’
the show continues to attract an audience that can relate.”
–FLAVORPILL

"Rejection can be hilarious -- especially when it's someone else's. But the Rejection Show is not just your chance to laugh at the misfortune of others. It's the best of the rest, so to speak; a showcase of comedians turned down by Conan O'Brien, rejected television writers, and cartoonists who find more SASEs in their mailboxes than checks."
–AOL CITYGUIDE

Got Vote?

Vote in the primaries, yo.

Hell, if West Virginians can do it, you can too.

You Should Know That

If you're interested in buying me a brand new of any of the following, please let me know:

1. Refrigerator
2. Vacuum Cleaner
3. Life

From Houseplant Picture Studio

Dave sounds like someone Doodle would like.

Spend some time at Houseplant today!

Weird Wedding Photos Part MVMMCLVMVMV

First comes love, then comes marriage, then you stick your ___ in her___ and then comes baby in a baby carriage...Yes--We get it.

Alright! Alright! Here's Your NY Giants Parade!

Here is lower Broadway at Liberty Street from my 28th story window as Eli Manning drove by with the trophy:

My favorite part is the massive amounts of paper, real 8.5" x11" office paper that folks threw from their windows. That white stuff on the sills ain't snow--could be cocaine, this is Wall Street, afterall, but it's most likely confetti. Awesome crowd. Electrifying even if they're aren't your team. Damn, I wish I worked in a building with real windows that open! People even threw shit out windows on Church Street where the parade isn't happening:



Say what you wish, Giants fan or not, you gotta love New York.

NY Giants Parade in Lower Manhattan

I'm at work on the 28th floor and yet I can hear the cheering! I also had the pleasure of riding the subway with some suburban Giants on their way down to the parade who were primed and hammered. Charm-a-plenty, yo! I'd go downstairs and really check it out for you, dear readers, but, you see, I hate people, especially lots and lots of them, so this would be terrible. A window with a view would be perfect, but it's on the other side of the office, and well...this parade is really an anti-Boston parade, isn't it? I believe it is.


I know that this as a disappointment to you folks who depend on me blogging from the front lines, so instead of a picture of lower Broadway from out my window a few minutes ago, how about a picture of lower Broadway out someone else's window from 100 years ago? Now picture a sea of blue in the middle of the street and there's your Giants parade. Enjoy.

Northeast view from top of Singer Building, Lower Manhattan ~1908

from shorpy.com

The Great Debate of '08

You have to eat one. Which is it?

1. Booger
2. Scab

Got Angst? Mortified NYC on February 11

Dear Angsty Folks in the New York Metro Area,

Hi! Like, what's up? Were you ever, like, a teenager? Great! Then you'll like totally love this show! We're one week out from Mortified NYC's Comix debut on Monday, February 11 @ 9 p.m., and we want you to Get Mortified along with us!

Reservations strongly recommended! Buy tickets now and come share the shame, or I'll like totally never talk to you again.

UR2Good2B4gotten,

Anne

PS Write back!

Giants Win!

The Patriots lose 17-14, and NYC is going nuts! The whooping and hollering and beeping outside my window is akin to the 1994 Rangers Stanley Cup win back in the day--mucho festive. It's so loud that Doodle actually woke up from the snooze she's been taking the entire game.

Anyway, sure, I'm from New England, but I love an underdog (hello, Bills fan). New Yorkers and the rest of the world are pretty psyched to knock Belichick and Brady and Boston down a peg, and now they've got it. I'm just pissed my numbers didn't come up in the office pool.

Lots of hungover Giant fans and Patriot haters in the office tomorrow morning.

Superbowl 42 Means: Puppy Bowl 4!

Sure, Tom Brady and Eli Manning and the rest of the boys will be duking it out tonight for Super Bowl 42, Patriots v Giants, but don't forget about Puppy Bowl IV on Animal Planet.

Here's the intro from Puppy Bowl III to get you pumped up:




and don't forget the Bissell Kitty Halftime Show:

Tramp Stamps and Fake Tans Have Replaced Sweaters and Beads

October, 1943. Washington, D.C.

"Sweaters and long ropes of beads are popular with the girls at Woodrow Wilson High School." Photograph by Esther Bubley for the Office of War Information.

Speaking of Horrible

Next Up: Strawberry Covered Locusts

Oh my good gracious golly grossness! Strawberry Flavored Cheetos to invade the United States!

I think I'm going to be sick!

Oh, who the hell am I kidding, I"ll probably be all over these things like a bum on a baloney sandwich.

Mmmm. Baloney sandwiches and Strawberry Flavored Cheetos.

Stop hogging that blunt, yo!