Leave Your Pussy at Home Tonight, Yo

Wanda Sykes, "Detachable Vaginas", Sick and Tired

"I better put a Bounce in there!"

Oh please. Pee.

Swine Flu? Bed Bugs? Ain't Nothin' But Thangs

Especially if rats biting your face off while you sleep is your thang.

www.marriedtothesea.com

Accigone!

OMG. Pee.

Paul Lynde on Our Government

Paul Lynde, Hollywood Squares.

Are you Gay? Are You Black? You're Both? Whoa.

Robb Leigh Davis ~ American Blackout ~ 4.23.09 @ The Tank

I never had the impression that being gay or black--or God forbid, both!-- in this country would be a funtime hayride, but until I saw American Blackout, I had no idea just how rough the road is. Bravo on an amazing show, Robb. Funny, serious, provocative, very well done.

"From street corners to Baptist church pews, American Blackout, written & directed by Robb Leigh Davis, is a modern-day journey through the labyrinth of sexuality, ethnicity and individual identity in the land of the free. "


AMERICAN BLACKOUT
Written & Directed by Robb Leigh Davis

Cast: Robb Leigh Davis, Neil Dawson, David A. Rudd, Nysheva-Starr, Jenn Wehrung

Producers: Robb Leigh Davis & Nicholas Petraccaro, blakkaprikorn productions

The Go Fug Yourself Girls are Fabulous

And what they had to say about Pamela Anderson had me snickering whilst I stabbed at salad bits with a fork and smashed them into my piehole.

Texting with Tuna the Fish

People are idiots. I'm joining a monastery.

-April 29, 1:17 pm

Tan Hong Ming: I Feel You, Man

Tan Hong Ming's in love.

Newsflash, Ramona

Botox is plastic surgery. And in some circles, so is picking your nose. 

So, suck it. 

Tuna is All About Doll Parts

i am doll eyes
doll mouth, doll legs
i am doll arms, big veins
dog bait
yeah, they really want you
they really want you, they really do
yeah, they really want you
they really want you, and i do too
i want to be the girl with the most cake
i love it so much it just turns to hate
i fake it so true, i am beyond fake
and someday, you will ache like i ache
someday, you will ache like i ache
i am doll parts
bad skin, doll heart
it's stands for knife
for the rest of my life
yeah, they really want you
they really want you, they really do
yeah, they really want you
they really want you, and i do too
i want to be the girl with the most cake
he only loves those things because he loves
to see them break
i fake it so true i am beyond fake
and someday, you will ache like i ache
someday, you will ache like i ache
someday, you will ache like i ache
someday, you will ache like i ache
someday, you will ache like i ache

-Hole, Doll Parts ~ 1994

Apparently Happiness is as Simple as Jammin' Out to This in Your Underwear

Collective Soul, Shine. 1993

It's My Right Not to Like Tom Hanks

" 'Everybody f---in' likes you,' fretted Julia Roberts, eighth speaker of the evening at the April 27 tribute to Tom Hanks." (from www.ew.com)

Um,  not true, Julia! No need to fret your pretty teeth piece; I don't like Tom. Coincidentally, I'm not a fan of yours. Not that you asked.

I was chatting with Newblue, President of a Tom Hanks Fan Club, about my dislike for Tom Hanks, which he equated with blasphemy (actually, he couldn't give a rat's ass about blasphemy), but I simply don't like Tom because he's an off-putting egomaniac. Just like Julia. I'm not saying Tom doesn't do good work (not that I saw the box of chocolates flick or the volleyball flick or the AIDS flick), I'd just prefer it, since he's had his face time with all of us, if he stuck with producing quality shows and whatnot by staying behind the camera from now on. Same with Julia. Thanks in advance, you two! 

But it's not to happen for me anytime soon, not before Tom stars in his dream role, anyway. Until then, I await the buzz:

Tom Hanks stars at Tom Hanks in The Tom Hanks Story!

I See Dead People

Oh, like I don't want a copy of the new book Dissection, featuring old timey (late 19th, early 20th century) medical students posing with their cadavers?

I do.

Dissection. Compiled by John Harley Warner and James M. Edmonson. Read Barron H. Lerner's review, "Gather 'Round the Cadaver" for Slate.com here.

30 for 30 Challenge: Results

Last night I snowboarded with a few free weights during a 45 minutes episode of Intervention via A&E on Demand (Marie's story here). Exercising while watching people suffer from crippling addiction soothes me. I never said I wasn't twisted. This morning I got up for Qi Gong and thank goodness I did; I'm officially in a foul mood if I don't make time for 7 Minutes of Magic.

You've Come a Long Way, Bra

Washington, D.C., circa 1927. "Al Jolson's parents." Rabbi Moses Yoelson and wife Ida, the actor's stepmother. Harris & Ewing glass negative.

www.shorpy.com

I've said it before, and I'll say it again, there is no such thing as the "good old days" when it comes to supportive women's undergarments. Considering women didn't earn the right to vote in this country until 1920, I suppose it's no surprise it's took a bit longer for proper tit containment to work itself out. The "two rabid racoons fighting to the death over chicken bones in a garbage bag" is a rough look. Some would say frowzy.

Throw Doodle Out the Window Day / Week

Doodle, NYC ~ April 27, 2009

Throw Doodle Out the Window Day has morphed into Week for obvious reasons. Click on the image for more attitude. And lint. And cat hair. Would you believe I vacuumed on Saturday? Because I did. Immediately afterwards, I threw my unwieldy vacuum cleaner out in a fit of rage.

Why My Neighborhood Sucks...For Me

When I moved here, it was all old people, so I guess change was inevitable. It does answer the question, "Why don't we go out in your neighborhood, Anne?"

Somethin' Had to Go, Yo

“I remember throwing something out of the [car] window because I couldn’t drive. Obviously, one hand had the d**k and the other hand had the knife, so I couldn’t drive.”

—Lorena Bobbitt on ”Oprah”

Photo of the cock chopper by the AP. Found it on the Frisky!

Where I think it's completely obvious that someone totally just phoned in the horoscope for Pisces today. 

How May I Insult You Today?

I had to call my credit card company recently to find out my balance. After I navigated around the phone tree and got a real person, the conversation went as follows:

Hi, I'd like to find out what my balance is.

May I ask why?

Excuse me?

May I ask why you'd like to find out your balance?

Um, so I can know what it is?

Oh, okay, I'm just trying to serve you better. You live in New York! I've always wanted to live in New York.

It's a great city.

Yeah, I always wanted to live there. Well, not live there, but I've always wanted to go there and see the Little Mermaid on Broadway. Have you seen it?

Haven't seen it, but I hear it's good. NYC is actually probably a better city to live in than to visit, believe it or not. It's not all Times Square hustle and bustle. We have our little neighborhoods.

All that walking!

That's one of the reasons it's great. We walk everywhere. No fat people here!

Well, I wouldn't say I'm fat, I mean, I'm definitely plus-sized, but...

Oh...well...(ouch)...where do you live? Texas?

No, Missouri.

Oh, ok. Don't know much about Missouri, can't say I've been, but I'm sure it's nice.

I see here your balance is 4 million dollars*. Is there anything else I can help you with today?

No, but thank you.

Thank you for calling Visa!

-------------------------------

*might as well be

"The Bridge" by Eric Steel

Newblue and I got into a disussion on Saturday about just how amazing we thought this documentary was. "The Bridge" chronicles the lives of a bunch of folks who jumped off the Golden Gate in 2004. Netflix it here.

Swine Guard: Another Way of Saying Caller ID

http://www.marriedtothesea.com/

Low Flying Plane Near My Office Causes People to Poop Pants

We evacuated our highrise this morning because airplanes chased by F-16 fighter jets flying close to buildings down here in Lower Manhattan aren't exactly met with cheers n' beers these days.

Homely Duck-Footed Family Walks Around Midtown Looking for Verizon Store

East 50's, NYC~ Sunday, April 26, 2009

Throw Doodle Out the Window Day

Cute overload. I've had it. When I get home? She's gone. So out the window.

Doodle, NYC~ April 26, 2009

Texting with Tuna the Fish

Is there anything more low-class than eating on the subway?

April 24, 9:27 am

A Golden Girl: RIP, Bea Arthur

Bea Arthur dies at 86. Whether Maude, Dorothy, or simply Bea: Class act. 

Want to Get Old? All You Need is Friends

Losers die young, yo, so get thyself some good pals, ayite? 

Tara Parker Pope, "What are Friends For? A Longer Life," 4/20/09, The New York Times.

30 for 30 Challenge Day 4 & 5 Results: I Feel Good

James Brown & Friends, I Feel Good, 1960's


Just finished 15 minutes of Q Gong followed by 45 minutes of snowboading machine while I watched an episode of Intervention via A&E on Demand. Now we celebrate 0 out of 5 hatchets with a little ditty by James Brown! So nice! Just like sugar and spice.


Now I'm about to see my fake boyfriend Warren Haynes serenade me with sugar and spice tonight backed up by a little band who calls themselves The Grateful Dead in a little place called Madison Square Garden. And what, I ask, is not to love about that?

Doodle Prefers a Furrier Houseguest Than I Do

And Doodle wants to move here.

30 for 30 Challenge Day 4 & 5 Results

Day 4: Postponed due to excuse of being exhausted. Fell alseep at 9:30 p.m., on a Friday night, in the middle of the Red Sox  v. Yanks at Fenway, so there is some truth here. The trouble with this is, nobody cares about my excuses.  

Day 5: Makeup session required. 14 minutes of Magic Qi Gong, followed by 1/2 hour of snowboarding machine to a television program of my choice. 

Then I'm going to take that energy and frolick my way on this beautiful day to the Grateful Dead at Madison Square Garden where there will be mucho more frolicking. 

Woot!

BLOHARDS: Let Us Eat Cake

As a Red Sox fan hopelessly trapped in NYC during baseball season, it's no surprise that I commune with my people, the BLOHARDS: The Benevolent and Loyal Order of Honorable and Ancient Red Sox Diehard Sufferers of New York. Since the Yanks were in Boston last night, I was able to watch my team on regular ol' television, and what a game it was (if you're a Bosox fan)! This morning I awoke to an email containing a picture of BLOHARD Treasurer Pete Collery's birthday cake, and what an edible park it is:

Fenway Park Birthday Cake: Click on it for more deliciousness. 

Whipcreamy's Favorite Commercial

Copeland Toyota.

I'm Bringing Frowzy Back

Thanks to freerice.com, I just learned a new word. It's called "frowzy." It means slovenly, or unkempt. Which is how I feel today. I might not look it, but I feel it.

Frowzy Friday.

The Grateful Dead at Madison Square Garden, April 25, 2009

See you there!

The Grateful Dead on Letterman

Check it. 

Wanna Go to the 1939 New York World's Fair?

Upon seeing this, I have a newfound respect for the a-holes who take video of the the M&M Store in Times Square. Now I get it.

30 for 30 Challenge: Day 4 Results

Qi Gong this morning and today gets:

3 out of 5 hatchets!

Remarkable!

Here's To Yesterday: Lionel's Engagement Party

All in the Family, Lionel's Engagement Party, 1974

Talk About Pirates: Secrets of the Dead - Blackbeard's Lost Ship

Doodle and I just watched Blackbeard's Lost Ship the Queen Anne's Revenge on PBS. Fascinating. Doodle really identified with Blackbeard. I can see it. Boy, can I see it. Even though she's got a white beard.

www.marriedtothesea.com

Les Paul and His Trio: Simply Amazing

Les Paul and His Trio, Iridium Jazz Club, NYC ~ 4/20/09

Living guitar legend Les Paul plays two shows every Monday night right here in the heart of Manhattan. $50 for a ticket and whatever item minimum they banged me out for in the showroom was some of the best money I've ever spent. Les is feisty and funny and he and his accomplished circle of friends put on a tight and delightful show which he peppers with anecdotes. And the dude has anecdotes--he was born in 1915 for cryin' out loud! Les also features and interviews new musicians and surprise guests. If you go for the 10 pm set, and Les is feelin' it, he does a meet and greet with his fans afterward. Les Paul's 94th birthday is in June. He joked, "I need another birthday like I need a hole in the head!" Let's hope he has many many more; I want to go back. To put things in perspective, Les's smiley son Rusty, a senior citizen, works the show's merchandise booth. It's all awesome. All of it.

Click on my images for more awesome:

Lou Pallo and Les Paul.

Lou Pallo

Lou's fancy fingerwork

Les Paul

Unbeknownst to me, I was sitting beside one special guest, Rich Conaty, host of The Big Broadcast on WFUV whom Les invited up on stage to chat. Rich has been hosting the Big Broadcast for 37 years, and Les was not only travelling in a car across country when he heard the very first broacast-- he's been listening on Sunday nights ever since. The Big Broadcast features classic jazz and pop tunes from the 1920's and '30's. Rich named the show after a movie starring Bing Crosby, a very good friend of Les Paul's. I'll now be listening to the Big Broadcast along with Les; WFUV (Fordam University radio) is an amazing station. Stream it!

Click = Food: Yay!

Why don't you help one of Earth's furry, feathery, or leathery creatures by clicking here and feeding them for free?

Don't Date Me...

...I'm a comedian.

I think this article, "Dating an A-hole--don't do it!" by Mary Swanson for the Frisky is a tad oversimplified and should be re-titled, "Dating an A-hole--don't do it!" But what do I know?

Happy Earth Day!

Click here and learn about some stuff you can do to help the Earth and save energy ($). Unless you hate the Earth. And if you hate it, you should maybe leave? Anyway, I've already unplugged my toaster oven, so it's definitely your turn to do something.

30 for 30 Challenge: Day 3 Results

I didn't wake up early enough to do Qi Gong today, and I'm in a terrible mood. There's a broad I don't know from another department whom I run into in the pantry in the morning and I simply can't stand her because of all the disposable cups and cups and bowls and cups and cups and bowls she wastes on a daily basis, and she's always in the way, and I hate the way she mixes her oatmeal and then does this thing where she puts it in the microwave for 10 seconds and takes it out and stirs it and puts it back in for ten seconds and takes it back out and cups and cups and bowls and cups and bowls....IT'S FUCKING EARTH DAY, YOU JERK!

Good grief.

Someone needs Qi Gong when she gets home.

Because I Hate You?

Or because I love you?

"Say You, Say Me," Stacy Ferguson on Season 3 of KIDS Incorporated.

One Cavity? Big Deal! Let's Get Rolling!

Featuring Marcia Wallace!

30 for 30 Challenge Day 2 Results

4 out of 5 hatchets. 

A very good score, considering the ratio of annoying a-holes I encountered at every turn. Throw them into the mix of regular everyday a-holes and you've got yourself quite a day ahead of you, am I right? Ha! Am I right?!?! Ha? AM I RIGHT?!?!??!!!! OF COURSE I'M RIGHT! 

I totally would have scored 6 out of 5 hatchets had it not been for Qi Gong this morning. 

Here's a positive example that the exercise helped. The pharmacy was all jacked up after work, they were way behind in filling orders, and everyone was pissed off.  Instead of leaving that shit storm like I normally would to return an hour later, I grabbed a bunch of magazines I love but would never buy, took a seat where infirm usually sit, poured myself a cup of water, and had myself a great time. As I flipped through Town and Country, 48 broads came and went to the counter, huffin' and puffin' and flipping the fuck out. Good show! And, I was extra nice to the pharmacist as I checked out.  It's not her fault she has a shitty job. 

Without Qi Gong this morning it would have been 6 out of 5 hatchets. Woo!

Convo Killer, Q'est-ce que c'est?

Some folks don't enhance a conversation, they kill it.

Example:

"There's a really good Mexican restaurant in New Jersey near my house? Well, it's not actually near my house, it's closer to my boyfriend's house? But it's awesome. There's always a line out the door, and they have chips and salsa and stuff? It's like really good."

Um...the restaurant you describe? It's in New Jersey, so...nobody here in Manhattan actually gives a fuck. Notice how your story ended right there because there weren't any follow up questions? Did you hear tumble weeds rolling by? No? Well, they were a rollin'.

Sorry.

End of story.

American Blackout by Robb Leigh Davis

AmericanBlackout
featuring Jenn Wehrung

Thursday, April 23, 8:00pm – 9:30pm

Upstairs @ The Tank
354 W. 45th Street between 8th and 9th Avenues.


From street corners to Baptist church pews, AMERICANBLACKOUT is a modern-day journey through the labyrinth of sexuality, ethnicity and individual identity in the land of the free.

AMERICANBLACKOUT Written & Directed by Robb Leigh Davis
Produced by BLAKKAPRIKORN PRODUCTIONS
$15 Presale Tickets are available here!

*

*

*

See you there!

Les Paul and Chet Atkins

"Birth of the Blues," Les Paul and Chet Atkins

Polka Dot Lawn: Only in Austin

The house with the polka dot lawn! Instead of fruitlessly and wastefully watering a lawn Texas, what a brilliant way to be green! By Beth Thom, artist. Photo from www.showcook.com

30 for 30 Challenge Day 1 Results

Qi Gong this morning. The day gets 4 out of 5 hatchets. Not bad for a Monday and the start of 30 for 30.

May 20, 2009: Mortified NYC at Le Poisson Rouge!

We're one month out and this is a jaunty and friendly, yet acne and angst-ridden reminder to reserve yourself a seat at the hot new Le Poisson Rouge for an enjoyable evening of super mortifying teen crap for the recession-friendly price of just $10* beans! I'm proud and honored to say that the Judy Blume, accomplished, distinguished, and controversial author--and Patron Saint of Teen Angst-- herself came to see Mortified with her husband George and loved it. See what she had to say about it here.

It's Springtime for Mortified!

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

7 pm

at Le Poisson Rouge!

www.lepoissonrouge.com

Advance reservations recommended--tickets on sale now here!

What is Mortified?

Hailed a "cultural phenomenon" by Newsweek and celebrated by the likes of This American Life, The Today Show, The Onion AV Club, Esquire, Entertainment Weekly, Daily Candy, and more, Mortified is a comic excavation of teen angst artifacts (journals, letters, poems, lyrics, home movies, stories, and more) as shared by their original authors before total strangers. As the largest and longest running project of its kind, our grassroots comedy collective has spent years sifting through hundreds of otherwise forgotten notebooks on a mission to celebrate the extraordinary lives of ordinary people. Mortified is produced in New York by Anne Altman and Julia Wright. www.getmortified.com

*Day of show tickets are $15, so don't wait, appreciate!

Texting with Tuna the Fish

"My anti-aging cream could etch glass."

April 14, 2009 ~ 10:17 pm

30 for 30 Challenge

April 20 - May 19, 2009 (and beyond?!??!)

Get your fat ass off the sofa for a minimum of 30 minutes everyday for 30 days. Walk, jog, do scissor kicks, jump up and down, dance, climb the stairs, or get movin' with Grover. Whatever you gotta do, just do it.

Day One has begun, monsters.

Celebrate April 20 with Les Paul and His Trio?

Will do!

Iridium says that Les is back and doing fine, so let's try this again: I've got tickets to his 10 pm show tonight.

Yay!

Lylice by Jen Nails

My pal, the wonderful, adorable Jen Nails is back with "Lylice"! Check it:

-------------

Dear friends and colleagues,

Come one, come all, to my one-woman show, Lylice! After a few years
off from performing, I am bringing the play back. Lylice is about
exuberant sixth-grader Lylice Martin, and is appropriate for ages 10
and up. I play six characters and transport you to the cringe-worthy
world of middle school.

During my time off, I adapted the show into a novel for children
called Next to Mexico. The book was published by Houghton Mifflin in
the fall of 2008.

Lylice is playing at 7pm on Fridays in May, at the Peoples Improv Theater.
For just $10, here's what you'll get:

*hilarious 40-minute show
*chance to win a FREE signed copy of Next to Mexico
*a SURPRISE during the performance
*option to purchase a signed copy of Next to Mexico
**fun

Attached is a flyer with all of the details.

I know many of you have seen Lylice lots of times (thank you), so if
you are unable to make it, please feel free to forward this to anyone
you think may be interested in coming.

Thank you for your time, and hope to see some of you at the show!
Jen Nails

--
Jen Nails
http://www.jennails.com/
zacharynailsgold.blogspot.com