Weird Wedding Photos Part MVCVVMVMC

Either This Guy's Got a Shitty Lawyer

Or he's representing himself.



An appearance on The Today Show with Matt Lauer?


''Why would I look for somebody who I don't believe is missing? She's just gone. She's where she wants to be,'' said Drew Peterson.


Face down and dead in a ditch is where she wants to be? Really? I can think of like, twenty places better than that. Way better. Even the very back of a snaking line at the DMV is better.

I don't think Stacy Peterson is where she wants to be. Wherever she is, she's finally away from a creepy mustachioed killer cop, so... there's the pathetic silver lining, I suppose.

Montage of Potted Meat Towers

The Dollar Store in Beverly, Massachusetts

10/07

The Holidays. Hooray.

Bo Pepper, "I Haven't Got You Anything at All (This Christmas)"

Weird Wedding Photos Part MVCVLLCMMCCM

Behold the Bride of Frankenfug and the head of her parasitic twin.

IT'S ALIVE! ALIVE!!!!!!!!!!!

Weird Wedding Photos Part MCLVVMCVMM

Weird Wedding Photos Part MVLCMMVMV

What do you mean you feel smothered? What do you mean you feel crowded? What do you mean you feel suffocated? What do you mean you feel like I'm going to push you off this pier? Whaddaya mean? Whaddaya mean? Huh? Whaddaya mean? Whaddaya mean? What's wrong?

Happiness Is

1. Something to do
2. Something to look forward to
3. Someone to love
4. Underwear that doesn't give you a wedgie all day

So they say.

Fierce

Reads Like an Onion Headline

Coast Guard: Oil Spill Proly Due 2 'Human Error'

And I thought it was piss drunk harp seals fuckin' around late at night vandalizing shit.

Don't Hate. Instead, Appreciate

We popped a video over the weekend of a solo show I wrote, produced, and of course, starred in three years ago (or is it four?) called I'll Clean Out My Desk: Ten Jobs in Ten Minutes. It played to a sold out People's Improv Theater for a glorious one night run. Needless to say, I knocked the fuck off of the audience's socks with my finely-crafted prose which, I should add, was saturated with pants-pissing wit and followed by a mesmerizing dance number of my own choreography. Believe it. Now I don't want to spoil the show by giving you too many details in case I decide to do it in Vegas some day down the road, but there may have been a few props and a Power Point presentation involved, so, well, that's entertainment.

Anyway, I digress, because this post isn't actually about my show, it's about how fantastic I looked in the video of me onstage doing the show. My hair had recently seen up close and personal by a professional. My suit fit me like a glove, my legs were long and strong, my posture was regal; I was superbly poised. And my profile, well, something that the very glimpse of in a mirror or photograph normally sends me straight to Nausea Town was streamlined and swan-like. I was, in a word, smokin'! Smokinggggggggg.

And seeing this video for the first time in a few years I have to say, I was simply mesmerized. With myself. Laughing out loud at my own jokes. Admiring the broad on stage in the t.v. and thinking, Who is this girl?!?

What sucks about this revelation of fabulousness is, is that at the time, I'm sure thought I looked like shit. I no doubt was referencing the same tattered laundry list of crap to beat myself up with back then that I use now, and that's just sad, people. Sad. What's wrong with human nature that makes us unappreciate the beauty in the now? Why can't we love who we are today? Why don't we love ourselves? Why can't we be free to be you and me? They say you should look in the mirror and grin because today you are one day younger than you will be tomorrow or something like that, and that's obviously true. Time marches, yo. Can't stop it. Don't even try.

Sigh.

And that sigh is where I leave you with the moral of this post, which has clearly revealed itself to me just now:


We all need to realize what's really important. And that is that I looked really fuckin' good three years ago. (Or was it four?)

Suck it, Fred Thompson

Thompson: Overturning Roe v. Wade is the goal.

And yet you seemed so intelligent on Law and Order.

Acting.

I Don't Care How You Slice Your Eggplant

But some people do.

When preparing / eating eggplant parmesan, do you prefer the eggplant to be sliced lengthwise or in circles?

The fella from Brooklyn says "Lengthwise." The fella from Connecticut says, "Circles. How else can you eat it on a hard roll?"

Hard roll?

Connecticut is such a weird state. Total identity crisis.

Please, No Gifts This Christmas

But feel free as a bird to purchase this for me. Inappropriate? Possibly. I don't mind.

AQUA ALLEGORIA

Pamplelune

Weird Wedding Photos Part MCLLVMCMLV

Here comes the bride...

Blicky blicky doo doo!

People and Stuff That Sucked Today

1. My underwear which kept going up my fat can all day
2. My fat can which makes my underwear too small apparently
3. Burritoville's overrated Burrito Bowl
4. Finding out Adrienne Barbeau is not Bea Arthur's daughter after I told three people she was

Greetings from Hobart, Indiana

The Grassy Knoll

From The New York Post, 11/8/2007:

'Lion' Smells
"LION King" audiences at the Minskoff have been sniffing the sweet scent of marijuana. It turns out the pot-head fans of former Grateful Dead bassist Phil Lesh, who's doing a nine-day stint at the Nokia Theater next door, were lighting up. "The smoke was so thick it was seeping through the wall and into the Disney audience, and they started complaining," a spy at Monday's show told The Post's Bruce Golding. "The ushers are now very vigilant and making sure nobody lights up." A Nokia rep admitted there were complaints. The Minskoff had no comment.

Be Very Afraid

If you're into it, buy one today. Doodle's lucky it doesn't come in her size.

Back Burner? Peace. Front Burner? Bed Bugs.

Get ready for bed bugs, folks. Gross! How to make sure you don't end up with them crawling on you at night and feasting on your blood? Easy:

Never travel on airplanes, trains or buses or ever spend the night in hotels, motels, or the home of anyone who has traveled on airplanes, trains, or buses or ever spent the night in hotels or motels. Never invite anyone who has traveled on airplanes, trains or buses or ever spent the night in hotels or motels over to your home. Ever.

The word on the street? Bed bugs are favored in this match up.

Good luck, us!

BRING BACK DDT, PLEASE.

Click here for Google news on bed bugs-- just to see how far, wide and crazy this epidemic is spreading. Just thank 9C for bringing them to Manhattan from England.

Weird Wedding Photos Part MCVVCLMMLVM

"Try to run, Honey Bunny, and Big Daddy Waddy sells you back to the broker woker. Understandy?"

People and Stuff That Sucked Today Part 1

1. The Director of Catered Events at City Crab--"Where the Customer is Always Wrong"
2. The NYC Subway system
3. The people who didn't let people off the subway before they got on
4. The gummy residue left behind when I peeled the fake Pashmina label off of my new fake Pashmina

*I'll elaborate when I cool down so as to smear this joint and its Director of Catered Events in a manner they so properly deserve. (Maybe. I might never cool down.) Let me just say this: A job in catering events implies that you'll be catering to people in some capacity, most likely events. If you're not into catering to people, perhaps catering (events or otherwise) is the wrong line of work for you. For example, if hundreds of people asked me on cramped airplane for a blanket, a beverage, or a snack, I'd say, "Get it yourself, fatass," which is just one of the reasons why I never attempted a career as a flight attendant. And that, my friends, is one of my most prideful achievements.

Know thyself.

Especially if you suck.

It makes you suck just a little less.

Florida Sucks

For every 1,000 people age 65 and older who "retire" to Florida, there are about 481 that leave Florida, usually to go back to their original location. - Marketwatch.com, 10/17/07

Top 4 Things Dudes are Desperate to See Online

1. Heather Mills McCartney naked
2. Halloween tits*
3. horsetail butt plugs
4. 50DDs

*I have no idea what these are. If you know, please share.

Dear Anne

I've already shared my thoughts with Myrtle on this one (which amounted to "Hell, I don't know what to tell you..."), and she expressed an interest in sharing the query with you, my dear readers, for your thoughts. Please proceed.
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Dear Anne,

My ex of 10+ years ago has just invited me to his pending nuptuals on Saturday the 10th!
There's really no love lost here, but it turns out that he and the bride to be live 1 block away from me, and I never knew.

He has not been friendly to me in the last 12-18 months - (as I wasn't up to doing the wild thing with him on a casual basis!)

So should I go to this stupid wedding.

Part of me is dying to see it.

But I have really weird stomach experience when I think about it.

- you may have some good advice.

or at least, please be amused!

Signed,

Myrtle Mason*

-------------------------------------------------------------------

*unbelievably, not her real name

Increase Your Productivity at Work By Working

Study Finds Working At Work Improves Productivity

WASHINGTON, DC—According to a groundbreaking new study by the Department of Labor, working—the physical act of engaging in a productive job-related activity—may greatly increase the amount of work accomplished during the workday, especially when compared with the more common practices of wasting time and not working.

An American worker can triple his work output by working.

"Our findings are astounding: By simply sitting down and doing work, employees can dramatically increase their output of goods and services," said Deputy Undersecretary of Labor Charlotte Ponticelli, who authored the report. "In fact, 'working' may revolutionize the way people work."

Perhaps even more shocking, the study reveals that not working significantly decreases worker productivity, sometimes even resulting in no work getting done at all. Similar findings were reported in the areas of avoiding work, putting off work, complaining about work instead of actually working, pretending to work, and fucking around.

"Fucking around is in fact detrimental to the work process," the study reads in part.

To conduct the study, researchers split the staff of a Washington-based insurance company into two groups and assigned each group a series of tasks to be completed by the end of the day. The control group engaged in normal workplace activities, such as standing around and talking, staring vacantly at the computer screen, and surfing the Internet. The other group was instructed to do work and complete its given tasks. Incredibly, the group that did not do any work failed to get any work done, while the group that did do work finished all the work.

The researchers believe that these lessons could possibly be applied to fields outside the insurance industry.



Typical workplace activities, such as shooting the shit, turn out to be less productive than not wasting time.

"Based on the study, we can safely conclude that if an employee's job is to process expense reports, doing a crossword puzzle will result in the successful completion of that task zero times out of 100, while processing expense reports will result in the successful completion of that task 100 times out of 100," head researcher Richard Schoemberg said.

Jon Halper, a Baltimore-area small-business owner, claims that people used to laugh whenever he told them that the key to worker productivity was not checking friends' MySpace pages for hours at a time, but rather working.

"After this study, I feel vindicated," said Halper, who believes working is so important that for years he has required all his employees to work throughout the day. "Hopefully, more companies will embrace the idea that employees working on things that they are supposed to do is practically essential."

A similar study conducted at Harvard University over a period of three years attempted to determine conclusively whether working was more productive than various different subsets of not working. The results showed across the board that working is 100 percent more productive than listening to music and checking e-mails, 100 percent more productive than meandering around the office socializing with coworkers, 100 percent more productive than playing online Sudoku, 100 percent more productive than watching YouTube videos of nostalgic childhood television programming, 100 percent more productive than reading celebrity-gossip blogs while chatting with friends on Instant Messenger, 100 percent more productive than napping, and 98.2 percent more productive than not showing up to work.

Despite the staggering new findings, many American workers say that they still do not feel comfortable working on the job.

"I love coming into work every day," Arlington, VA sales manager Bryce Davidson said. "I get to have great conversations with [office receptionist] Sandy, challenge myself with Yahoo! TextTwist, and still have time to set my fantasy-football roster. Why would I want to ruin work by working?"

I'm Bummed Julia Roberts' Maternity Leave is Over

'Twas so nice to be out of the glare of those overexposed chompers for a while. Didn't it burn? Oh, how it burned. But now Julia wants you to know that she's back, all up in our grill, with her grill, all the damn time. Please, Julia, would you get back in your hole? Don't you have enough whatevers that you can't take a permanent powder? What are you looking for, anyway, Adoration? It's impossible for us to be more in love with you than you are. Unless, of course, you're willing to spin your head around Exorcist style for us. That, I think, the public would like to see. Gotta love the Go Fug Yourself girls.

Honey Dolls

It's a man's world, alright. When scientists aren't tirelessly developing a cure for baldness, they're working on improved versions of the blow up doll. This one, the Honey Doll out of Japan, fakes her orgasms via the MP3 player embedded in her dome piece. Nice. Perfect for the holidays. Buy one for a loved one today! They'll love you long time for it.

We Don't Need Einstein For This One

I'll tell you why kids who get more sleep are thinner--every minute they're getting shut eye is one less minute they're cramming their fat pie holes with Dominos Cheesy Bread and Cinnastix.

And Oreo Dessert Pizza. Only 8 in an order? Man, that's bullshit! Waaaaaaaaa!

Weird Wedding Photos Part MCVVXXVXVXLV

Make sure the wedding photographer snaps a combination of formal and candid shots. And don't forget to focus on the bride's huge hammertoe with extra long n' gnarly nail. It's her best feature, afterall.

RIP Washoe

Washoe, you will be missed!

Anne's Underrated Movie Pick of the Week: The Taking of Pelham One Two Three

This flick is fantastic!!! If you like action, drama, suspense PLUS biting comedy, Walter Matthau, Jerry Stiller, Martin Balsam, the gritty 1970's NYC Subway system, cameos by Doris Roberts and that hedgehog lookin' squirt from 8 is Enough--well, need I go on? Easily one of my top ten favorites.

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The Taking of Pelham One Two Three

From Film Forum:

(1974) "Screw the goddamn passengers! What do they want for their thirty-five cents? To live forever?"Just a typical day on the East Side IRT, as a No. 6 train starts its downtown run from Pelham Station in The Bronx at the scheduled departure time of 1:23 PM (there's your title) – then gets hijacked by heavily-disguised men: Mr. Brown (Earl Hindman), shnurfling Mr. Green (Martin Balsam), trigger-loving Mr. Grey (Hector Elizondo), and their icy-cold leader Mr. Blue (Robert Shaw) – color-coded aliases: are you listening, Mr. Tarantino? ? This city hasn?t got a million dollars!? kvetches the schmucky, flu-plagued Koch-lookalike mayor (this was the era, after all, when Jerry Ford told NYC to “drop dead”) to hovering spin doctors when he gets that ransom ultimatum: cough up the dough in an hour or the 17 passengers (your typical fellow riders: a hooker, a philosophical old Jewish man, a mother with two bratty kids, Matthew Broderick?s dad James as the conductor, et al.) get wasted, or one corpse for each minute late. Wisecracks and bullets fly as Walter Matthau's quickwitted TA cop Lt. Zachary Garber gives a guided tour to embarrassingly polyglot Tokyo subway execs; dispatcher Jerry Stiller doesn’t believe it; the ransom-carrying cop car jackknives in Astor Place; and Matthau negotiates with the all-business Mr. Blue via subway squawkbox. A crackling adaptation by the late Peter Stone of the John Godey bestseller, featuring terrific (and accurate) Gotham locations, knife-edge hilarity, a thrilling jazz score by David Shire, and third-rail brand jolts – evoking a New York that, while not exactly the golden age, was a time when you could still buy a token... for thirty-five cents!

AN MGM DISTRIBUTION RELEASE SPECIAL THANKS TO MGM'S JOHN KIRK.

“A violent and funny hostage caper with the cynical irreverence of a vintage Jimmy Breslin column and the relentless energy of an early James Bond film… Directed with breathless expediency.”
– Bruce Bennett, The New York Sun

“A time capsule spiked with amphetamines… It may be the perfect movie for post-blackout New Yorkers. And what a cast!”
– Michael Sragow, The New Yorker

“Giddily thrilling! Bootylicious with tuba, David Shire’s score mates blaxploitation bomp to vintage-cop-show rattle and dread; indeed, Sargent’s whole enterprise doubles as a 70’s archaeological dig, its eureka momentarriving when the cop car with ransom in tow crashes in a grimy, pre-Starbucks Astor Place.”
– Jessica Winter, Village Voice

I Love Me Some Ginger Snaps

Here's a great little website featuring images of vintage food product boxes called the http://www.theimaginaryworld.com/. They've got all kinds of cool pics like the ginger snaps above (which thankfully are still around) and little gems from the past which don't exist anymore like Chicken Flings. What the fling happened to Chicken Flings? Aye, I was born too late.

Help Me Obi 1 Kenobi You're My Only Hope

I just spoke to a vendor who goes by the name of Leah. It is my experience that that name is pronounced, "Lee-yah." However, Leah closed our phone call with, "So, just ask for "Lay-ah." As in Leia. As in Star Wars. On a scale of 1-Exhausted, how exhausted is Leah having to constantly correct everyone's pronunciation?

Happy Dreamy Keanu Reeves Monday

You Guys All Jazzed About Falling Back?

That sweet, sweet, sweet hour is so precious, and yet so fleeting. By the time I even realized that Daylight Savings Time was actually in effect via the incongruous time on my microwave--because tv cable and cellphones switch automatically--the buzz was already killed. I say we get to fall back two hours. What's an hour these days? It's like twenty bucks. Close to useless.

Happy New York Marathon Sunday

But honestly, why run when you can sit?

I No Trusty Dr. Trusty To Work on My Teeth

But I do trusty him to shake his booty on the dance floor and get nasty.

What Do You Mean You're Too Busy To Blog?

So much to blog about, so little time!

Tonight:

GWAR at Roseland Ballroom, NYC

~

Last Night:

NY Rangers vs. Washington Capitals at Madison Square Garden (Rangers 2, Capitals 0)

~

Two Nights Ago:

Phil Lesh and Friends at Nokia Times Square Theater (maniacal Halloween jamming)

See You Tonight at the Apache Land Village Cafe

Apache Land Village Cafe

Globe, Arizona

circa 1935

Old Timey Meow Meow

I'm Fully Aware That Everyone Hates New England Right Now

So let's turn our attention to Buffalo, shall we? Specifically, the Buffalo Bills and their fans. Some of you may know that Doodle and I are Bills fans. Why? Well, Doodle's favorite player is Lee Evans, and I've got some Western New York roots myself, so rooting for Buffalo feels good. Plus, the Patriots really don't need my help, do they? No, they don't.

Last Sunday, I was treated to an amazing fete--something called a Buffalo Bills Tailgate Party, Away-Game Style in the Meadowlands Stadium in New Jersey. Oh, and then there was a forgettable football game between the New York Jets and the Buffalo Bills. The Bills won, however, just in case you're paying attention and are curious about sports and whatnot. I've witnessed live NHL, NBA, the WBNA and mostly MLB, but this was my first time ever witnessesing a professional football contest, and let me tell you something--football ain't baseball. These football fans are really into getting hammered. In the great paved outdoors. Did you know this? I did not! I suspected it, but did not know it. And of course, I loved it.

Now back to the f00tball. Here is how football goes down for a Buffalo Bills fan when the Bills play the Jets in Jersey:

Once you get dropped off in the Meadowlands Parking Lot, you need to find your tailgate party. For Bills fans, it's at Lot 16, Pole C. Obviously. There, you'll find your people (many of them affiliated with the NYCBBB (NYC Buffalo Bills Backers), drinking, carousing, and singing the Bills Song (the Bills Make Me Want to Shout!). You'll find plenty of meat products being grilled (feel free to BYOM) and wings being deep fried on makeshift stovetops in pots bubbling over with grease and pans full of Frank's Red Hot. See that bar with the rail full of peanuts and the television and Bible on top? That's Kenny.

Kenny's gonna "delicately persuade" you (Buffalo badger you) into doing a shot of Polish Cherry Schnapps out of the thumb hole of a giant, gnarly, sticky, regulation black bowling ball, which you then drop on the ground so you can then toot the long plastic red horn at the top of your lungs, and you're gonna freakin' love it. You know the drill. Sure, Kenny cleans the ball off in between the peanut shell dirt dives and the saliva slurps with a baby wipe, so you know it's all good.

Then if you look up, you'll see some Jets skank who has hiked her fat ass atop the Bills van, shaking her ass and shouting, "J!E!T!S!" even though there are a thousand other tailgates in which to act like a proper Jets skank, and suddenly the Bills crowd shouts in unison, "WHORE! WHORE! WHORE! WHORE!" and there you find yourself, shouting along with them--and really meaning it-- and all the while drinking a Bloody Mary and eating a chocolate chip cookie and some other crap you so generously helped yourself to from one of the myriad of tables in the center of the mania. Oh, and then there's that game to go to.

Kenny and his infamous bowling ball shot

Hey---ey---ey---ey!

Hey--ey--ey--ey!

Let's go Buffalo

Let's go Buffalo!

Security guard approached us with a whisper, "See these blue gloves? I'm a Bills fan. Shhh.."

Being an NFL cheerleader is a weird job. These chicks (part of the "Jets Flight Crew"are paid to run around with these flags and shake their asses and shit. Weird.

Appropriately bummed Jet fans.

Buffalo Bills 13 , New York Jets 3
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On a related note, some guys in the office and I went to Brother Jimmy's on Monday night for All- You-Can-Eat Buffalo-style wings and unlimited pitchers of beer. These cats, not hailing originally from the Buffalo area, may have seriously underestimated (or neglected to remember from college) the extreme gastronomic violence that ensues after a meal like that. As of last count, Greenberg was ahead in bathroom visits (typical) and leads his miserable opponent 5-3.

70's Fashions Were So Bad

That kids growing up in these clothes were virtually untouched by pedophiles. Peophile-proof outfits, if you will. The colors were foul, plus there's the unwieldy large belt to fumble with.

Visit 15 Minute Lunch for a terrific post featuring a whole slew of 1977 J.C. Penney outfits from the worst fashion decade in history (or is that the 80's?) by Johnny Virgil.

PBS / Frontline's The Undertaking

If you know anyone who has died, or if you are going to die yourself someday, do yourself a favor: See this program. At the very least, read about it online. It's very good.

Breaking News: Lance Bass Was Once Married to a Woman

Regardless, something tells me that this guy is gay.

Let Elvis Teach You How to Make Spaghetti

RED EAGLE MEATBALL AND SPAGHETTI DINNER

__

"According to Nancy Rooks, Graceland's longtime cook, this was the last meal Elvis ate. It's in The Presley Family Cookbook, a spiral-bound tome she wrote with Vester Presley, Elvis' uncle and a guard at Graceland for many years. It's heavy on meat and light on tomato sauce, and redolent of one of Elvis' favorite flavors: bacon!"

by Jeanne Besser for Cox News Service

__

1 (16-ounce) package spaghetti

1 ½ pounds ground chuck

½ cup chopped onion

1 teaspoon chopped garlic

Salt and pepper to taste

1 egg

1 tablespoon parsley flakes

3/4 cup bread crumbs

¼ cup bacon grease

¼ teaspoon butter-flavored salt

1 (8-ounce) can tomato sauce

2 cups tomato-vegetable juice

Grated parmesan cheese, optional


Bring a large pot of water to a boil and cook pasta according to package directions. Drain.

Mix ground chuck, onion, garlic, salt and pepper, then mix in egg, parsley flakes and bread crumbs. Form into balls and fry in batches in medium-hot bacon grease until browned on all sides.

Season spaghetti with butter-flavored salt, pepper, tomato sauce and tomato-vegetable juice. Add meatballs to spaghetti and cover pan; simmer over low heat. Sprinkle with parmesan cheese, if desired. Makes 8 servings.

PER SERVING: Calories 517 (41% fat) Fat 23 g (9 g sat) Cholesterol 86 mg Sodium 609 mg Fiber 2 g Carbohydrates 52 g Protein 22 g

Weird Wedding Photos Part MCLVVVCV

"Hee hee hee hee terrible posture and weird facial expressions run in the family hee hee hee, hee, hee waaaaa waaaa waa."

Happy Halloween!

I actually had this very costume when I was a kid. Believe it. Flame retarded.

Interim Post

I realize you're all waiting desperately for my post on the Bills v. Jets at the Meadowlands--my first ever professional football game--but it's taking some time to put together, so hang on to your bing bangs.





In the meantime, please enjoy this link on eBay to a bunch of fake loaves of bread you might be interested in.



Opening bid for all these fake loaves of bread? $9.99. Only nine ninety nine? Seriously? For all that fake bread? That's remarkable, wouldn't you say? You'd think a lot of fake loaves of bread like this would go for twice that, easily. And they look good enough to eat, no? Real beauties. Bid away, folks, you don't want to let this fake bread loaf opportunity get away, and if you're no stranger to eBay, you know how quickly these things can slip through your fingers.

Those loaves really look terrific, it bears repeating. I mean, it's like you're really in a boulangerie. One wonders if they used stunt real loaves of bread for this photo shoot? I don't know how they're gonna prove it to you, but before you bid, you should verify their inauthenticity.