Ok Enough With the Non Nonsense Around Here!

This is the kind of stuff that makes me laugh.

Unlike over-forecasty, headline-deprived, alarmist weather forecasters, which make me annoyed. This is the second "SNOWSTORM OF THE CENTURY" for Manhattan in less than a week with predictions of a foot (or more!) and there's nary an inch of snow on the ground. Get a life.

Subway Art ~ E Train @ 50th Street, Monday, February 8, 2010

No Kidding

"Sex is something I really don't understand too hot. You never know where they hell you are. I keep making up these sex rules for myself, and then I break them right away. Last year I made rule that I was going to quit horsing around with girls that, deep down, gave me a pain in the ass. I broke it, though, the same week I made it--the same night, as a matter of fact."

-Holden Caufield, The Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger

Mortified NYC! Holiday Heartbreak on Thursday!

Mortified's Heartbreak Holiday Show is featured in The L Magazine this week, so you KNOW it's good! Valentine's Day sucks. Love stinks. Come on out and share the shame!

Thursday, February 11, 2010
9 pm
92YTribeca
$15
http://www.getmortified.com/

Got Storm?

Remarkably, NYC might get some accumulation. Might. Sure, it's an exciting city where we don't need storms to liven things up, but I enjoy snow. And let's face it, I'm pretty uncomfortable these days (Hell, people are shouting, "Pregnant!" at me on the street), and I need to enjoy stuff while I can. Let it snow.

You Know You're Pregnant When

1. Your period stops
2. You feel queasy
3. You grow a belly
4. Something within that belly moves around a la Alien
5. Your walk turns into a waddle
6. Oh, and most important: A guy passes you on the sidewalk with, "Pregnant!"

True!

Who needs to buy a Clearblue Easy test when you've got that guy tellin' you what time it is?

Mortified NYC! Heartbreak Holiday Edition One Week Away

MORTIFIED!

The Heartbreak Holiday Edition
Thursday, February 11

@ the 92YTribeca
9PM
$15
92ytribeca.org

Produced by Anne Altman and Julia Wright.

Featuring really pathetic teen crap written by the following relatively reasonable grownups:

Brooke Van Poppelen, Jenn Wehrung, Adam Wade, Todd Rosenberg, Jasmin Singer, Boni Joi and more!

WHO LIKE-LIKES MORTIFIED:
"A cultural phenomenon!" (Newsweek)
"Captivating!" (Entertainment Weekly)
"Spreading the new gospel of awkward all over the land." (Daily Candy)
"These readings capture just how wrong-headed we can be back when we were teenagers." (This American Life)
"Comic genius! (LAist.com)
"Funny and horrifying" (USA Today Pop Candy)
Mortified is a totally grassroots organization and depends on people like YOU spreading the word. Please pass this on.

Help Three Friends Win a Well-Deserved Award

Direct message from my pal Matt McCarthy (your favorite red-headed Verizon commercial cable guy)

"HEY!

www.ecnyawards.com

VOTE for FRONTPAGEFILMS.COM for BEST WEBSITE!!"

Then maybe feed an animal for free?

As you were, do gooder!

Too Good to be True

Cupcakes topped with not just vanilla babies but chocolate as well (or Latino babies, as the package read, apparently). Comix, NYC ~ 1/27/10

Jon Friedman cracking up the kids with"your mother" jokes. Comix, NYC ~ 1/27/10

Folks "show"ered (and roasted) me and baby-to-be with love last week at Comix for the first-ever comedy co-ed Baby SHOWer that people not only didn't whine about attending beforehand, but raved about for days afterward.

Produced by Jenn Wehrung, Julia Wright, and Brandy Barber.

Special guests included dear peeps Jenn Hyjack, Honi Harlow, Giulia Rozzi, Shawn Hollenbach, Jenny Rubin, Jon Friedman, Leah Dubie, Matt Sears, Katina Corrao and Adam Wade live via satellite (or pre-recorded video, if you want to get technical)! Oh, and there were tremendous cupcakes.

Photos by Jenn Wehrung

Goodfellas Peanuts: Funny, How?

My Wife, Uh

"My wife went through my phone, and, uh, may be calling you."


Heh heh. That's still so good. Oh, Tiger.

Tonight: Honi's Hide-a-Way!

Honi Harlow’s Hide-a-Way
Monday, February 1

“Cudzoo & The Fagettes” Band at 8:00 pm
Show at 8:30 pm
Tickets $10 (Say you're a friend of Honi's for $5 tickets)

@ Fontana’s

105 Eldridge Street
New York, NY 10002-4482
(212) 334-6740


Your Host: Honi Harlow

Your Stars:
Bunny Love
Jo Boobs
Creamy Stevens
Dame Cuchifrita
Bella Da Balls
Rob Davis
Maddy Mann & Lexi
Erica Bradshaw
Justine
Jenn Hyjack

Plus Special Guests from the cast of "Fetes de la Nuit"
Kris, John, and Alexandria

This Sheet Does Work

Got dirty laundry but no time? Check.

Got dirty laundry and no time and dozens of stairs to climb? Check.

Got dirty laundry, no time, dozens of stairs to climb, and no extra hands for bulky products because you're carrying an extra load (pregnant)? CHECK!



Even if you answered two out of three, Purex Complete 3-in-1 is for you; these pre-treated detergent/softener/dryer sheets are phenomenally convenient for the average city kitty, let alone a suburban dweller with the luxury of washer/ dryer in the house.


This Sheet Works - Purex® Complete 3-in-1™ Laundry Sheets





* I don't get paid in cash or with products to endorse stuff, so believe it, yo. This sheet is good.

Busted in Her Self-Made Down Comforter Hidey Hole

Doodle, NYC ~ 1.7.09

Doodle's New Sweater

Doodle modeling her new ski sweater as she practices smothering the baby by smothering the onesies. Good job, Doodle!

Doodle, NYC ~ January 27, 2010

Best Baby Shower Ever

Tonight wonderful friends (including a real live baby) came out to support (and delightfully roast) me and baby-to-be. I'm so honored by everyone's thoughtfulness--especially those who put the whole thing together in the first place--that for once, I'm speechless.

The Today Show Has Softened My Brain

I may need to wear a helmet for awhile.

Since tossing my vintage 1990 stereo a few months ago, I regrettably no longer listen to NPR (WNYC) in the morning. I now rely on NY1 but since it repeats itself every fifteen minutes or so I've been also flirting with The Today Show. For this, I'm paying a high intellectual price. Man, is that show dumb. A dumb show talking down to what is a dumb audience, I guess, and I'm a dumbass for participating in the dumbing down process. I can't decide whom I like least. Meredith, Matt, Ann, or Al, and yet, there I am, watching it. Gross! As I was being patronized this morning, and Martha Stewart gasped, "I just love woks," as she tended to her stir fry before commercial break, I recalled a few dumb things folks have said around me recently.

In a meeting a few days ago, someone said, "Last year, we had an account that was literally in the toilet." Do you believe him? I don't believe him. That'd have to be one big toilet.

And recently while I was walking down Broadway, I encountered a group of tourists from Long Island. Naturally, they were chirping with excitement about their surroundings as they made their way to their next destination. One pointed to Smithsonian's National Museum of the American Indian, in NYC, formerly the Customs House, and exclaimed to her fellow hens, "That used to be Delmonico's Steak House*. Eggs Benedict was discovered** there. Yeah! Eggs benedict! It was discovered there!"

* no it didn't
**discovered?

Here's the real story behind eggs benedict.


Sigh.

www.marriedtothesea.com

No Fair For the Fatties

Some dear friends are throwing a wonderful baby benefit for me tomorrow night. I decided that since the spotlight will be on me and the wiggling basketball I smuggle under my clothing everyday, that a new festive frock might be in order for such a special occasion.

It was not to be.

Whether you're reluctantly fat (most Americans) or fat on purpose (pregnant), the stores aren't very kind to you when it comes to style. Unless, that is, you're a wealthy reluctantly fat or fat on purpose person and can have designers make you a custom-fit gown.

H&M has a Maternity section called H&M Mama, so I visited their Herald Square location after work. But the selection of dresses was bleak, practically non-existent, rendering a trip for someone lugging around 30 extra pounds a big huge bummer. I did manage to walk out of there with a very nice 3-piece set of maternity basics in a little cotton bag emblazoned on the front with, "Get Started, Mama" consisting of a black tank, belly band, and leggings in an organic cotton mix fabric that is uber soft, stretchy, and comfortable. I see myself living in the leggings for the next few weeks, perhaps indefinitely. A great investment for $29.95, no matter what kind of fat you are.

For tomorrow night's gala, if you stop me on the red carpet and ask me what I'm wearing, I'll say, "Same thing I wore last weekend!" Which is a simple black wrap dress by Liz Lange Maternity for Target which cost about $25. Throw on some bright accessories you haven't seen in awhile, and you know what, bitches? You're gonna love it!

Would I?

Would I hire a painter whom, according to his advertisement, has been in business over 20 Year's and touts no hidden fee's?

Yes; I don't have time to worry about unnecessary apostrophe's: I'm having a baby in less than two month's.

Doodle's a Photographer: Christmas Vacation Doodle Style

"Liberry" ~ Photo by Doodle the Cat, Vermont ~ December 24, 2009

"Garage Lights" ~ Photo by Doodle the Cat, Vermont ~ December 24, 2009

"Mom's Can Under the Christmas Tree" (Anne) ~ Photo by Doodle the Cat, Vermont, 12/25/09

"Mom" (Anne) ~ Photo by Doodle the Cat, Vermont, 12/25/2009

Doodle the Photographer, Back From an Expedition, Vermont~ December 24, 2009

Just in From CNN

Gary Coleman in jail
Scorpions announce breakup
Brad, Angelina not splitting




As you were.

Excited Prospective Grandmothers Take the Cake

Real cake (green layer: chocolate with ganache filling and white frosting, yellow layer: carrot with cream cheese frosting). After it was cut, I paid a little too much attention to this cake.

Diaper cake! Made with love by my mother.

Ingredients: Newborn disposable diapers. Sure, they're new, but the cake's not edible.

Unless you're a termite or whatever eats paper.

Scenes from a Baby Shower, January 23, 2010

Amtrak' Quiet Car So Quiet Everyone is Snoring

THIS IS AN OUTRAGE!

Are we freakin' snorious?

The only way I can deal with it is to quickly snap my reclined seat back into its upright position. The 85 year old dude behind me doesn't know what the hell is going on or why he's woken up from his nap 6 times in an hour but a girl's gotta save herself.

Ella Roof Heckendorn Liked to Write It Down

Another excerpt from my great grandmother Ella Roof's diary:


"Bridge--

June 1940


Mrs. Port, Mrs. Fleming, and I played at Edna's one eve in June when Mrs. Port came down from Chatauqua.




July 12- Edna, Mrs. Benner, and I played at Flemings--Mrs. B served Salad, Rolls, Coffee.


July 19- Edna and Mrs. B- beat Mrs. Fleming, Edna and Mrs Jones played here--served peach salad and muffins and Mrs. Jones and Edna beat.


Sept - Had Mrs. Port, Mrs. Fleming and Edna for bridge. Served sea foam salad."







From Mom:
Johann Nicholas Borger married Ottillia Schaffer
Their daughter Babalonia Elisabetha Borger married Conrad Hawk
Their son John George Hawk married Elizabeth Dotter
Their daughter Elizabeth Hawk married John Ruff
Their son Samuel Roof married Lucy Ann Searfoss (Serfass)
Their daughter was Mary Ellen (Ella) Roof

In Boston Tonight: Stripped Stories

Beantown peeps: My pals Giulia Rozzi and Margot Leitman are bringing their saucy 'n' salacious sexy storytelling show to town tonight. Check. It. Out. It's hilarious!




From Boston.com:

Photo by Anya Garrett

Care to share a personal sexual scenario at Stripped Stories? No? That’s fine, just sit back and watch others play “never have I ever’’ at this celebration of sex and how funny it can be. Hosts and creators Giulia Rozzi and Margot Leitman (pictured) will share their stories and ask audience members about specific sexual scenarios (possible questions: Have you had sex with a celebrity? Did you kiss on a first date?). The person with the highest score will be interviewed on stage. There will be stories by performer Cyndi Freeman and comic Mehran Khaghani, and music by folk singer Laura Burns. 8 p.m. $15. 21+. Mottley’s Comedy Club, 61 Chatham St., Boston. 877-548-3237. www.mottleyscomedy.com





-by June Wulff, Boston.com
© Copyright 2010 Globe Newspaper Company.

Doodle Likes to Be High

Doodle, Out the Window and on the Roof

(She didn't return via the window and most definitely jumped)

Vermont ~ Winter, 2006

Roy and Leona in Summer

Altman side of the tree: Roy and Leona (Leone) Merryman with a bicycle. Circa 1910

Delta, Colorado or visiting Clarion County, PA

Now THAT'S a bike!

From Mom:

1910 United States Federal Census
Name: Monsell M Merriman
Age in 1910: 31
Estimated birth year: abt 1879
Birthplace: Pennsylvania
Relation to Head of House: Head
Father's Birth Place: Pennsylvania
Mother's Birth Place: Pennsylvania
Spouse's name: Olive
Home in 1910: Delta, Delta, Colorado
Marital Status: Married
Race: White
Gender: Male

Household Members:
Monsell M Merriman Age: 31
Olive Merriman 27
Leone Merriman 8
Roy Merriman 4 1/2
Carrie Morgan 49

Texting with Tuna the Fish

"Remind me to tell you about the time I looked into the heart of an artichoke."

Tuna - 7:54 pm

"Hope you didn't see your own face"

Anne - 7:56 pm

"How did you know?"

Tuna - 7:59

This Tribe Traveled in 2009

When you're single in this beloved town, you create your own family, and occasionally you and your city kitties need a respite from the hustle and bustle. As I ponder how my life is about to change forever, I present a few images from some memorable and precious escapes I had this year with dear friends. Back when I could take off on a whim, sleep in, still see my toes, cartwheel--let alone walk without a waddle-- and my greatest concern other than the self-doubt which is inherently human was basically, who will care for Doodle while I'm gone and discourage her from taking a revenge dump on my bed?

Puerto Rico

Fire Island

Vermont

Fire Island

Vermont

Fire Island

Astoria

Can't Say I Remember What a Hangover Feels Like

But according to Real Simple Magazine and Rachel Vreeman, M.D., co-author of Don't Swallow Your Gum:

Hangover Cure:

"Eat an egg sandwich on white bread. Experts believe cysteine, an amino acid in eggs, helps break down acetaldehye, a toxin produced when alcohol is in the liver, which can contribute to a hangover. Your body turns refined carbs into energy, hence the white bread."

Roy and Leona in Winter

Altman side of the family tree: Roy and Leona Merryman.

Clarion County, PA. Circa 1910

Big Oil

Me (newly born'd) 'n' Dad, NYC/NJ/Philly?

Shame on You, Massachusetts

I understand Democrat Martha Coakley coasted along in her campaign until she saw the poll numbers and many fault her for that. But Massachusetts has spoken and it's chosen Republican Scott Brown for Senate. Teddy Kennedy? Most definitely twisting in his grave.

Tuna and I were texting about our utter disappointment last night. Massachusetts, the state that led a brand new nation with the Minute Men, created the first public school, the first post office, and the American Navy decides to turn its back on healthcare and other progressive reform and elects a backward conservative? I wasn't even a fan of this concession-ridden healthcare plan by Obama in the first place; working with the Republicans on it had backfired, making it crappy anyhow. Mom's right; Obama should have stuck to his guns and steamrolled ahead without "working with the other side of the aisle" just like the Bush administration did so well. Compromise in this case has gotten us nowhere.

I'm one of the very few and lucky in this economy to be employed and have healthcare insurance. And yet being insured in this country, I spent over 3K dollars out of pocket in addition to what I paid monthly for benefits in 2009. Additionally, with my benefits, unless I use personal and unpaid time off, I will receive 6 weeks of maternity leave. 6 weeks. Six. Weeks. Surely the baby should be able to take care of itself by then, no problem, and not only that, take care of Doodle when I'm at work.

America embarrasses me sometimes.

Okay, more than sometimes. If we can't do anything about healthcare reform right now, can we please, as Americans, promise not be so fat when we go to Europe and wear those dumb white sneakers? I can't take it.

Here's a Little Ditty I Just Wrote Just Now

How Long is That Bag of Pretzels Gonna Be?

I'm so glad

You're enjoying your pretzels

Dear cubicle mate

During your lunch

They sound nice

The way they echo

In your piehole

The way they crunch

And bounce off your teeth

But I kind of want to kill you

So if you could wrap it up

You won't die

Thanks,

Bye.

-by Anne Altman

Mortified: Heartbreak Holiday Angst Edition! February 11 @ 9pm

If you're alive (or dead), you've definitely had your heart stomped on once, twice or thrice. And whether or not you're lucky in love at this very moment, love stinks and you know it, so just get over yourselves.

Come on out to Mortified to hear pathetic, sad-sack, completely ridiculous, humiliating and embarrassing teen vomit from the following former teens:

Brooke Van Poppelen

Adam Wade

Jasmin Singer

Todd Rosenberg

Jenn Wehrung

and more!

Anne in Chicago ~ January, 2009


Share the shame with us!


Mortified

Produced by Anne Altman and Julia Wright

Thursday, February 11, 2010


9pm

$15 (and worth every pathetic penny)


Tribeca92Y

(Romeo and Juliet image from www.taudiobook.com)

Doodle Q

Doodle, NYC ~ May, 2009

RIP sleeper sofa, thank you for a good 12 years of service.

We loved you. (Doodle did, anyway. I found you to be unwieldy)

www.marriedtothesea.com

Ella Roof Heckendorn Liked to Write It Down

I never knew my paternal great grandmother Ella Roof Heckendorn, but I understand she was loved by her grandchildren, especially my Dad. All I really know about her is what she put in her scrapbook which my Grama gave to me. It's full of recipes, notes about the Reverend's sermon, notes about temperance and the evils of liquor, notes about her children and their children, who brought what to the Presbyterian church supper, prices and lbs of fruit and vegetables, and newspaper clippings: inspirational quotes, quotes about the Lord, tips on playing bridge, who got married, who was born, who died.

Last week my Aunt Sandi generously mailed me a little notebook she thought may have been Naomi Decker's, a childhood friend of Gram's. Miss Decker's name is indeed inscribed on the front cover--Naomi Decker, 152 East Avenue, Johnsonburg, Pennsylvania-- but upon reading, this diary definitely belonged to Ella Heckendorn. Likely it came into her possession from the Deckers somehow, as they were neighbors in Johnsonburg, PA.

Want to know what was goin' on July 6, 1940 in Mrs. Ella Heckendorn's world? Thought so!

Mabel, Doc, Maryellen and Nanette came at 8 o'clock July 6, 1940. They had brought Mrs. Nelson and Aunt Flo to Broadway. They stopped at Carl and Edna's and brought them up. Edna had baked banana cake.

Had lunch.

Doc brought for me

2 long loaves french bread

3 lb green peas

3 heads lettuce

1 basket black raspberries

1 1/2 dozen oranges

1 basket tomatoes

1 black walnut Buffet Roll

1 box muffin mix

It appears if you brought Ella a gift, she wrote it down; so any of you planning on going back in time and stopping by better bring something good. It's also interesting but not surprising to note that my Grama is missing from this entry and not present on this particular visit to her mother's. She had moved to Olean, NY by this time and was a little busy, clearly; by 1940 she was almost halfway into producing her brood of 10.

Stay tuned for more titillating excerpts from the diary of Ella Heckendorn.

Have a Dream

Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase.

-Martin Luther King, Jr.

Oh My God

Brandy asked me to go see a play about babies and she sent me a link to the play, Smudge, a "terrifying" dark comedy about babies and parenthood, and though it looks very good, I may be terrified enough. Then she wrote, "Or would you do anything but talk about babies?" and she provided the following link:

Judi Sheppard Misset and the Jazzercisers do a routine to Arthur's theme.

Thank you, Brandy.

You're welcome, everybody.

Anne Reviews Avatar

Tuna and I went to see Avatar last night. I was reluctant to go for a few reasons:

1. Don't care much for CGI
2. Never first in line for science fiction let alone blockbuster science fiction
3. I hate crowds
4. This movie is LONG (how many times will I have to use the ladies' room?)

We got our 3D glasses and while Tuna bought some popcorn and water, I remarkably scored two seats in the center of the theater, one being an aisle seat. Later arriving people had to sit in the front row, which I imagine was super rough for a flick like this.

I liked Avatar. It was wild. Beautiful, loud, violent, a bit funny, sad. The baby was kicking up a storm during the part where the dude has to go up to the side of a cliff to choose a horse bird to fly.

And there you have it; my review of Avatar. Hope I didn't spoil it for you.

I'm Goin' to Try This on For Size

Wish me luck.

Help Haiti

The American Red Cross has set up an easy--and legitimate--way to help the earthquake victims of Haiti. Simply text haiti to 90999 and $10 beans will be added to your cellphone bill with the money will go the American Red Cross' Haiti Relief Fund.

Do I have ten bucks to spare? No. Did I send $20 to Haiti? Yes. Did I send $10 extra because I didn't think the first text "took" but it did? Yes. Do the Haitians need it more than I do? Absolutely; Haiti was a shytehole before this earthquake, and its people have always gotten the shortest end of the stick. Help 'em out if you can.

Tonight: True Tales from College

Amherst College Baseball Team, 1896

True Tales From College

Featuring Anne Altman

Tonight!

Wed, January 13, 7:30pm

Free!

Ochi's Lounge353 W 14th St.

Adam Wade and Jake Goldman present this new monthly storytelling show with stories ranging from the absurd to the heartfelt, you'll hear true stories from comics, writers and everyday people. Hosted by Adam Wade and Jake Goldman - two very nice people.

Donegal Tweed

Mr. Compliment was right; my coat is indeed a Donegal Tweed.

Pine 'n' Wine

Old Christmas Trees and Old Grape Juice

The Greene Grape, NYC ~ The corner of Liberty Street and that nameless creepy, cool, cavernous alleyway.

January 12, 2009

Pay No Attention to That Which Stares Behind the Curtain

For some bizarre and delightful reason, family and friends still send me--a wretched, disorganized, unworthy fool--Christmas cards. Thank goodness they do, or I wouldn't get gems like this one. Enjoy. You're welcome.

My Compliments to the Complimenter

It's nice to receive a compliment on your wardrobe from an average-dressed person, but it's a super boost to receive a compliment from an impeccably-dressed person, especially when the complimented is pregnant and feeling silly looking and the complimenter is male.

Generally, I do my best to look as impossibly cute as possible, and these days it takes a little less and yet much more effort, if you will. Since you're carrying extra blood when you're expecting (Gross? Sure!), you've got a natural blush in the face which is where "the glow" comes from. Then there's the fact that you're not losing any hair during pregnancy so it remains thicker and more lustrous and these things combined can make you look younger. I think. But you're also carrying another human, so that makes your body a bizarre shape, naturally, and you waddle like a penguin, and these things combined can make you feel self-conscious. Because people tend to stare at the misshapen penguin woman.

This morning as I waddled onto the elevator, the gentleman who let me on first said, "That is a beautiful cape. Cape, is it? I was behind you as we entered the revolving doors and noticed it."

"Thank you very much. Yes, I suppose it is a cape."

"What kind of pattern is that, is it a wool donegal?"

The man was tall, in his 60's, wearing a lovely wool coat, sharp scarf, and very nice grey classic brimmed hat a la 1950's.

"I don't know what it is technically, but I do know it's an Italian designer..." (It is a beauty, if I don't say so myself. It's a brown mini swing cape with petal fringe on the bottom and the collar. I got it at Syms for a song about 5 years ago, and since it's a swing style, it fits a waddling penguin woman just right)

"....but I really appreciate the compliment, it means a lot. I'm feeling sort of large these days."

"Oh, you've got someone on board? I didn't notice. Congratulations!"

"Thank you! Have a great day, sir."

"You too."

A little elevator exchange like that can make one's day. Or at least get one to their first cup of decaf without scowling. Much.

Mad Santa

Uh, Santa? Your tag is hanging out.

So is your attitude.

Doodle, VT ~ Christmas, 2009

Thank You, Friends, Real and Virtual

What would I do without you?

Subway Seat Series

Today a woman with luggage gave up her seat for me on the Downtown 4/5 making the number of seats offered now: 6

Take It from a Pregnant Broad: Jenny Hyjack Says It Best

"PEOPLE ARE TRYING TO WALK HERE, LARD ASS!"

Hahahahahaha! Oh, Jenny. Thank you.

www.jennhyjack.com

Dying Young's No Good, But Growing Old is Tricky

I just returned from Walgreen's, and I still can smell the old lady perfume worn by an old lady I encountered as our carts intersected here and there during our respective shopping. I understand that sometimes as an old lady (or old man) you may smell like pee, (a tough scent for anyone to stomach) therefore, you powder up with a cologne. But is there a rule that after age 75 or whatever you're relegated to Eau de Old Lady and that's it? I'm not saying that every teen girls' favorite Love's Baby Soft would be appropriate, but maybe something a bit less pungent and stale? I don't know.

I solemnly swear to you, dear public, that if I make it to 75, I will not assault your noses with such revolting toiletry products. Or walk around with "old lady open mouth" catchin' flies and debris. I'm going to do my best, anyway. Whether it means I badger anyone willing to speak to me to give me a scent recommendation and/or use a few pieces of strategically placed tape on the old jaws to keep my pie hole shut. Whatever it takes.

I'm going to try, anyway.

More likely, I'll end up a diapered, wig wearin', muttering, smelly, old open-mouthed broad with lipstick on her teeth, but a girl can dream, right?

Another Gem from Andy at Sans Pantaloons

Featuring Anne 2.0 (far right) and I do believe that's Jenn Wehrung and possibly the artist himself.

2010!

Thank you, Sans.

They Should Run for Office

When I asked my super (a very sweet guy) about the chunks of rust which blow out of my kitchen sink faucet, he suggested that I run the hot water for 20 minutes.

Hmm.

Reminds me of the time over ten years ago when my old super (not a very sweet guy), suggested I get a cat as a remedy for the mice which had moved in with me.

Thanks for the tips, bros!

The hot water running solution hasn't worked out thus far (I'm well into an hour now and the water is still doo doo brown peppered with what look like coffee grounds) but the cat / mouse thing sure did, didn't it? I had no mice when I adopted Doodle, and now the only ones I ever get are the ones she brings up from her occasional escapes into the hallway and down the stairs to the basement. She brings 'em up but always takes 'em out, if you know what I mean. They don't live here long.

See Me in True Tales from College: January 13, 2010

Come see me spin a tale from my days in college, all while sober and smuggling a basketball underneath my clothes! Not to be missed!

True Tales From College
Date/Time:Wed., January 13, 7:30pm
Price: free

Ochi's Lounge
353 W 14th St.
New York, NY

TRUE TALES FROM COLLEGE -- Adam Wade and Jake Goldman present this new monthly storytelling show with stories ranging from the absurd to the heartfelt, you'll hear true stories from comics, writers and everyday people. Hosted by Adam Wade and Jake Goldman - two very nice people.

Babies R Us: Formerly a Place You Couldn't Pay Me to Enter

Anne at Babies R Us? Now that's a first.

NYC ~ December, 2009

My pal Cha Cha was kind enough to chaperone me at Babies R Us to pick out items to register for. And Cha Cha would know; her adorable bambina turns one this month!

Subway Seat Series

Today I was offered a seat on the subway by a mother and child (whilst plenty of spread-legged dudes just watched and sat) making the # of seats offered me thus far: 5

It should be noted that I appear to be smuggling a basketball under my coat, so unless you have a policy that you don't offer your seats to shoplifters of basketballs, and that's your excuse, then fine. Otherwise, you're just a jerk.

Then I got in an altercation with a woman coming down the stairs. I'll save that story for later.

Doodle Went to Vermont and All She Got Were These Lousy Cob Webs

Doodle, VT ~ December, 2009

Not true! As a matter of fact, Doodle took some amazing photographs of her Christmastime in Vermont. I'll post some of the highlights when I get them. The snap she snagged of me and my arse bending over to get gifts under the Christmas tree is a remarkable beauty.

So, How's Your Year Been?

Mine? Fine. Admittedly I've been a bit busy with this whole growing a human being inside of my belly project, butI do have few details to share about it.

Pregnancy is a funny thing. You're basically telling the world you're easy without a t-shirt with SLUT emblazoned on the front, no? And dudes, they walk free, their tummies flat, their business theirs, nobody's the wiser. Weeks ago, I was glowing, feelin' good, rockin' and rollin', and having a great time. Now I'm still glowing, but I'm waddling, feeling uncomfortable, and having less of a great time. Par for the course say the mothers out there: The Third Trimester Ain't Pretty.

So far, only 4 people have offered me their seats on the subway. Also, I've noticed that people say funny things to you when you're pregnant. I got a manicure on Monday, and two of the ladies on staff asked me if I was 8 months pregnant. Not what you want to hear at 6.5. Today, a guy I work with commented, "My, you're really getting huge, fast," which also sort of hurts the ears, but what are you going to do? I suppose the strangest, dumbest question I've been asked so far was by a friend I hadn't seen in awhile. She'd had a few drinks, and leaned into my ear with one hand cupped around her mouth. "I have a question," she slurred.

"Shoot."

"Well, see, I, well, I shave down there? And I'm like, really concerned, like, when I get pregnant one day because, I mean, what on earth do you do? Like when you can't see your feet and stuff?"

"Mirrors? Listen. Trust me: You're going to have bigger problems. I know you can't believe it now, but you need to take my word for it. If you remember anything tomorrow morning about this conversation, remember that manicuring your downtown fur will be one of the last things on your mind when you're a human being factory, months away from shooting a watermelon out of your business. Particularly things like worrying that you might pee your pants when you sneeze, or your arse blowing itself inside out for no reason. Things like that."

The Coolest Candy

www.papabubble.com

A friend gave me a gorgeous papabubble candy ring for Christmas*, and not only was it delightful to look at, it was delicious as well. I'd take a picture of it but it's gone to stomachtown now.

* I swiped it off his desk in broad daylight while he watched.

Since he didn't stop me or chase me: gift.